Remember last year when I wrote that post about mistaking a photo of premature baby feet for delicious raspberry gummi bears and people saw the photo and thought I’d posted a picture of dismembered baby feet and so I had to go back and clarify that the baby was totally fine and I was all “Seriously guys, no matter how dark my sense of humor is I can assure you that I will never post fucked-up shit like dismembered baby feet to make you laugh because that’s fucking insane” and then I had to actually add a tag to my blog called “NOT dismembered baby feet” which is pretty much the most embarrassing disclaimer to ever have to make about your writing.
Well today I almost posted a photo of this monster that washed up on the beach in New York and I had some devastating funny moderately amusing quips about it being another tiny sasquatch or possible an R.O.U.S but before I finished my post some experts started saying that it’s probably a drowned dog and so I’m dusting off the “No Dismembered Baby Feet Or Other Fucked-Up Shit Clause” here so I can save you the emotional turmoil of having to stare in awe at a totally cool monster which we may later find out is a totally decomposing dog. Unless you want to stare at it, in which case it’s right here, you sick, wonderful freaks.
And speaking of things which are supposed to be funny but fail miserably, did you read that the University of Wolverhampton (this is a real place) recently published an article about the oldest recorded joke in the world? It was told by the Sumerians in 1900 BC and goes like this:
“Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”
Um. What?
I don’t even understand the sentence structure. Something that never happened is that a young woman never farted? Isn’t that a double negative? Wouldn’t one negative cancel out the other? Then the joke would be “Something that did happen: Some chick farted on her husband’s lap.”
Which actually? Is kinda funny. I actually giggled when I typed that.
Touché, Sumerians. 4000 years later and it’s still fresh.
PS. I told my coworker that scientists had discovered the world’s oldest joke and he told me not to tell him the punchline and ruin it for him. I was all “It’s fucking four THOUSAND years old, DJ. I don’t think it qualifies for a spoiler alert warning.” Then he put his fingers in his ears and yelled “Lalalalala!” and ran away before I could tell him the joke, which, in all fairness, I probably would have fucked up anyway.
Update: Additional pictures of the dog monster have turned up which help to explain absolutely nothing and might make you throw up a lot.
Comment of the day: If it starts out “A Phonecian walked into a bar…” I’ve heard it. ~ Apathy Lounge