NOT dismembered baby feet

UPDATED: Cats eat babies. Apparently.

I was just on the phone with my friend Karen and I was in the middle of (unsuccessfully) convincing her about the importance of guns on roadtrips and then I heard that hurk-hurk noise of a cat throwing up so I ran over to scootch Posey toward the tile and the vomit was all glitteryContinue reading “UPDATED: Cats eat babies. Apparently.”

Netflix thinks I’m a religious psychopath

So last week Victor installed Netflix on our Wii and I don’t understand how that works so I just stared at him blankly when he tried to explain it and the entire time I’m like “You are wasting money” but he did it anyway and now I can’t stop watching movies about serial killers. AndContinue reading “Netflix thinks I’m a religious psychopath”

It’s not what it looks like.

This morning my friend Kevin sent me this picture. Because it reminded him of me: And then I vowed never to speak to Kevin again because I’m pretty much unoffendable but there is actually a line and that line is babies-being-impaled by-penises-through-their-solar-plexuses and I was all “THAT SHIT IS DISTURBING, KEVIN. NEVER EMAIL ME AGAIN” butContinue reading “It’s not what it looks like.”

Victor says this conversation is about me “not being able to behave like an adult” but I’m pretty sure it’s about how he loves Hitler so damn much.

Conversation with my husband about Hitler: Victor: This house is a wreck. me: This house is a creative haven. Victor: No. It’s just a wreck. me: Well, I don’t know why you’re telling me about it. It’s not my job to clean the house. Victor: Yeah, actually it is. Remember? You were going to quitContinue reading “Victor says this conversation is about me “not being able to behave like an adult” but I’m pretty sure it’s about how he loves Hitler so damn much.”

I’m way too whiney to think of a witty title for this right now.

So the other day I cut through the park on the way to an appointment when I see these babies and I’m like Oh my God, those are the cutest babies ever but where are their parents and OH HOLY SHIT. THAT BABY IS TOTALLY EATING THAT OTHER BABY’S BRAIN. And that’s when I’m all “Fuck.Continue reading “I’m way too whiney to think of a witty title for this right now.”

Now I just need to find someone who sells human skin

Sometimes I’ll be in the middle of talking to someone and I’ll be all “HOLD ON. I have to write something down because if I don’t I’ll forget it forever and I’m pretty sure it’s brilliant” and then they sit there in my office looking at me uncomfortably while I spend two minute typing furiouslyContinue reading “Now I just need to find someone who sells human skin”