The other day I was thinking that if I was a prostitute I would totally join the navy because first of all: free room and board, and secondly: captive audience because those Navy guys couldn’t leave the ship to buy stuff and so they’d have all this extra cash. Plus, no police on board. But then my coworker Tracy said that military police are even more strict than regular police and I was all “But we’d be in international waters and there are no rules there. Pirate law, motherf’ckr!” And then he was like, “Okay, number one, there’s no such thing as pirate law and number two there are probably already women sailors on board giving it up for free” and I was all “Yes, but they wouldn’t have my costumes” and then Tracy was all “Wow. You’ve…really thought this through” and I’m like “Hell yeah, I have. And even my uniform would be a costume because who doesn’t want a girl in a sailor outfit? Nobody, that’s who” and then he was all “Yeah, but the other women on board would be wearing sailor uniforms too” but that wouldn’t matter because my uniform would be just like the chick’s from Sailor Moon. And I’d carry around a giant stuffed octopus because guys really like that. Apparently. Then Tracy was all “What in the hell are you talking about?” And I was all “You know…in those Japanese manga cartoons when the girls are always being violated by tentacles? How do you not know this?” and Tracy was like “How do you?!” like I’m the freak.
Then I got home and asked Victor about it and he was all “Violated by tentacles? Where the fuck do you get this stuff?!” and I’m all “Why do I have to keep explaining this to people?!” and he was like “Who else were you explaining it to?” and I was all “Oh, just some guy at work” and then he walked off in awe. Or disgust. I can never tell those apart.
PS. Just to clarify, I could never be a prostitute because I’m married and also because I’m allergic to latex. What I need is a venture capitalist willing to back my elite cadre of naval hookers. I even have a business plan. Victor says a price list of sex acts written on a napkin is not a real business plan but yeah, it totally is.
PPS. Just a little note that I may be MIA this week as I’m going to be at a Christian camp helping to coordinate the yearly retreat. For the highly religious company where I work. In HR.
Honestly, I’m just as surprised as you are.
Comment of the day: “Captain Hookers”? ~ Sophie