I just need a name for my hookers. Like something about loving “sea men” but classy, you know?

The other day I was thinking that if I was a prostitute I would totally join the navy because first of all: free room and board, and secondly: captive audience because those Navy guys couldn’t leave the ship to buy stuff and so they’d have all this extra cash.   Plus, no police on board.  But then my coworker Tracy said that military police are even more strict than regular police and I was all “But we’d be in international waters and there are no rules there.  Pirate law, motherf’ckr!”  And then he was like, “Okay, number one, there’s no such thing as pirate law and number two there are probably already women sailors on board giving it up for free” and I was all “Yes,  but they wouldn’t have my costumes” and then Tracy was all “Wow.  You’ve…really thought this through” and I’m like “Hell yeah, I have.  And even my uniform would be a costume because who doesn’t want a girl in a sailor outfit?  Nobody, that’s who” and then he was all “Yeah, but the other women on board would be wearing sailor uniforms too” but that wouldn’t matter because my uniform would be just like the chick’s from Sailor Moon.  And I’d carry around a giant stuffed octopus because guys really like that.  Apparently.  Then Tracy was all “What in the hell are you talking about?” And I was all “You know…in those Japanese manga cartoons when the girls are always being violated by tentacles?  How do you not know this?” and Tracy was like “How do you?!” like I’m the freak.

Then I got home and asked Victor about it and he was all “Violated by tentacles?  Where the fuck do you get this stuff?!” and I’m all “Why do I have to keep explaining this to people?!” and he was like “Who else were you explaining it to?” and I was all “Oh, just some guy at work” and then he walked off in awe.  Or disgust.  I can never tell those apart.

PS.  Just to clarify, I could never be a prostitute because I’m married and also because I’m allergic to latex.  What I need is a venture capitalist willing to back my elite cadre of naval hookers.  I even have a business plan.  Victor says a price list of sex acts written on a napkin is not a real business plan but yeah, it totally is. 

PPS. Just a little note that I may be MIA this week as I’m going to be at a Christian camp helping to coordinate the yearly retreat.  For the highly religious company where I work.  In HR. 

Honestly, I’m just as surprised as you are.

Comment of the day:  “Captain Hookers”? ~ Sophie

166 thoughts on “I just need a name for my hookers. Like something about loving “sea men” but classy, you know?

Read comments below or add one.

  1. i talk about tentacle porn at least once a week, and my listeners are always shocked. why isn’t this more mainstream? why do i have tentacle porn bookmarked on my blackberry?

    lora’s last blog post..

  2. Anyone who claims they know all about the internet but doesn’t know about tentacle porn is lying about one or both of those things.

  3. Given your day job, perhaps you can answer this burning question for me: are latex allergies in fact a Christian conspiracy (ooh, look, that word has piracy in it!) to ensure maximum numbers of God’s children born to womankind? I’ve always thought so.

  4. Okay – when you said naval porn. . . my first though was a fleet of bellybutton-only hookers. Then the latex allergy wouldn’t be a problem. Bellybutton nooky is the ultimate in safe sex. I think I need more coffee.

  5. Okay, I’ve got it. In Pahrump, NV there’s already “The Chicken Ranch” brothel, so why not take advantage of their branding as “The Chicken of the Sea.” I bet you could come up with a killer logo with like a mermaid or something. Oh, wait…

    Jay’s last blog post..You CAN have your cake and eat it too

  6. I’d be willing to join this merry band of pirate naval hookers. But purely for seasonal work with the option of adding time on depending on how cute the men on board are and where we’d be sailing, especially if its somewhere like Hawaii. Though I am negotiable. And since this will help me pay for all these Christmas presents for people I barely like, no one can complain. I’m not so sure about the octopus, but again, negotiable. I’m sure after enough time spent on a boat, I could get creative. Or crazy. But if I do snap and kill someone it’s cool, because I’m totally gonna put my faith in the pirate law. Maybe we should call ourselves the pirate hookers instead? And we can have our own boat and can attack all the U.S. Navy boats and say things like “permission to board, handsome?” as we swing from our ropes onto the deck of their ship and then break into some awesomly choreographed pirate hooker dance. We could charge extra for that. I’m seeing a real career for us here.

  7. how bout “Shiver Your Timbers” or “The Mateys” or maybe “Port Vagina (dock your ships)” or “The Sea Biscuits” (totally satisfies the at sea thing and fans of farm animal porn) and last suggestion …

    “Ankles Away”

    I’ll keep working on it 😉

    Ryan’s last blog post..Out of the Frying Pan and Into The Fire

  8. I’m a little worried about this one or I would totally invest. Gay and bi military men often self-select the Navy for obvious reasons. Not that all of them are gay. Many are just entirely straight, though, probably, so you could deploy on a smaller scale.

    Deb’s last blog post..Two, two, two times the fun

  9. I think part of the joy of joining the Navy is the ability to meet exotic prostitutes at various Ports-of-Call around the world. You are a very charming and attractive woman, Bloggess, and I’m sure you would make an excellent prostitute in the States, but I doubt you would be able to compete with the experience international prostitutes around the world. There is a certain “girl back home” quality to you that would make it unseemly for a Navy man to pay you for sex. It would be like paying your own sister for sex! Just not cool, especially for Navy men, who like to follow protocol. Navy men are trained to be patient. They wait with anticipation until their ship docks in Thailand, Italy, or the countless other beautiful countries where foreign prostitutes are waiting for these horny American servicemen with open arms. I know that in bad economic times, we are all searching for new ways to make money, but this attempt to “monetize your vajayjay” seems like it would quickly go into Chapter 11.

    I also think you probably talk to much too be an effective prostitute. When I go to a prostitute, I want the experience to be about ME, not the prostitute’s own neurotic needs.

    Neil’s last blog post..Three Photographs

  10. There’s no way you work for a Christian company. Do they know you blog?!

    And latex is not a good excuse for not being a hooker. There’s always sheepskin.

    You would be the madam. I could totally see you in that part. Minus the octopus tentacles, please.

    Rhea’s last blog post..I’m not really talking about Legos

  11. I do work for a Christian company and they know I blog. Luckily they are laid-back, forgiving kind of Christians who I believe are trying to save me. It’s an odd sort of job security.

  12. I want to know more about this Christian camp retreat. I bet you’ll generate a lot of stories there.

    …and now, you know, I will wonder about the secret lives of other people I work with…you know, which ones might be into Japanese tentacle porn that you would. never. suspect.

    kristin/kwr’s last blog post..Let them eat cake

  13. You know, my blog only makes like $5 a month… actually I’m not sure if it is even that much. Regardless, my “real job” is in marketing and I think you are on to something here. With the right slogan and an aggressive targeted marketing campaign, we could make you some serious coin!

    Summer’s last blog post..Friday Night with Hoobastank

  14. True Story:

    I’ve written more than one short fiction piece about tentacles. And um, orifices. I say “short fiction piece” so it sounds classy. If that’s possible.

  15. When I lived in Brussels, the police chief there issued a memo that officers were not authorized to visit the brothels during work hours. Apparently, while American cops have a reputation for stopping frequently for coffee and donuts, Belgian cops just go for the, um, HOLES.

    Maybe you should try your luck in Europe.

    V-Grrrl’s last blog post..Evening in Paris

  16. I think the napkin might be the safest route since it’s good to get rid of the evidence in raids. Hey, have fun at the Christian camp. That just sounds…um…awesome.

    Jim’s last blog post..I’ve moved

  17. Oh dearie me. I’m sitting here at work thinking up names for your business venture: “Four Belles” (Some sort of naval time-keeping thing. This would assume you’d assign 4 ladies per ship). “Seawhores” — with a little seahorse logo for the “uniforms”. Or how about, “Hello, Sailor!”

    I need help.

    –V’s last blog post..The Tweets you see when you forget your phone

  18. i notified my husband that if times get really tough around here, i’m prepared to enter into the oldest profession in the world, nurse/hooker.

    having had a four year relationship with a former navy man, they aren’t very picky about what “type” of woman they lay down with. just sayin’.

    leah’s last blog post..i think i may be a magnet

  19. The interesting thing would be what you use the napkin for, I mean REALLY use it.

    @V – my vote is for SeaWhores, but you have to capitalize the w or it looks too much like seahorse and that’d be bestiality.

    Or is that what you were shooting for, and that’s an extra 50$ ?

    M@’s last blog post..It’s about the little things

  20. I know a venture capitalist who could help you. He’s in the seafood line…

    Victor honey, get with it. Scribbled notes on napkins are binding legal documents. Especially when “sex” and “cost” are included. Sheesh.

    Wait…Christians let you near them????

    Braja’s last blog post..

  21. I write about completing my first knitting project and I start reading your blog and I think my future as a knitter is going in the wrong direction.

    I have a pirate outfit already in my closet. I have to ask the husband if I can be a hooker now. He was in the Navy for a brief period of time. He knows all about hookers.

    CrysOHara’s last blog post..It’s Monday and I knitted.

  22. I will never eat squid again. Ever. Not that I have in the first place, but I had thought it was something I might be interested in doing sometime. But not anymore. And I’ll never look at my now-grown-daughters’ old Sailor Moon things with the same childhood nostalgia — but I have laughed so hard I sprayed my computer screen with coffee, so that’s something. Thanks!

    Cathy’s last blog post..12 Days of Christmas Countdown

  23. You know, I’m a little put off by how easy you assume being a prostitute is. It’s not all “shiny boots” and “hobo sex” there’s a lot of hard work involved. Also with the sinking economy don’t count on big tips unless you’re willing to be a specialty hooker – like having one arm or something cool. I’m just saying. Do your research.

    Stefanie’s last blog post..Ten Advantages to Having a 14 Pound One-Year-Old

  24. My husband is Navy and we found out that the place we are about to move to just had major prostituting issues. Apparently all of the wives of one ship decided to start a prostitution ring. When all of their men would go out to sea, they would make extra cash by whoring themselves out, and when those men came back the other crew would leave and their wives would take over the prostitution. Apparently all of the variety was good for business.

    Cassie’s last blog post..Our Weekend in D.C.

  25. I read this to my husband — who is IN the Navy. He totally respects your concern for the needs of the sailors. But he does caution that someone has tried it before and they got caught.

    Thanks for the laugh

    Momma Mary’s last blog post..My week in moments.

  26. What, how do they not know about tentacle porn? Even I, with my fragile mind, knows about it!

    My hometown hosts the coast guard’s base, and we used to go out for a night on the town when we knew a ship had just docked and the sailors were on shore leave for the first time in weeks. Definitely not to give it up for money, usually not even to give it up at all, just for some good honest fun (and maybe a free drink or three).

    Renate’s last blog post..Some more Twilight

  27. If laughing at your blog does not make me go into labor, then I don’t know what else to try, seriously.

    And maybe, b/c of your delicate latex condition, you could just be the “pimp” to these highly advanced naval ho’s?

    Tori’s last blog post..Hey Guess What?!?!?!?!

  28. I swear to GODDDDD you slay me.

    I’m still laughing, and I’ve already coughed up my liver!

    Marry Me.

    Barring that, hire me as a hooker. My testicles look great in a sailor moon outfit.

    thedemigod’s last blog post..Five Questions

  29. I bet they need prostitutes at the Christian camp too!

    And, hey, thanks for the fabric softener idea. Younger worked it into her science project. And since I don’t want the school to think I’m totally off my rocker by giving credit to “The Bloggess” for inspiration…this is all the credit you get!

    Laggin’s last blog post..why do i do this

  30. For fresh ideas go to Wiki and look at nautical terms. My flag’s a hoistin’ just reading this saucy sea jargon. See below and I just got through the c’s.

    Abaft the beam
    Accommodation ladder
    Anchor ball
    Back and fill
    Baggywrinkle
    Bear down
    Bilged on her anchor
    Boom vang
    Bunting Tosser
    Coxswain
    Cunt splice

    I personally think the “Bilge Pumpers” would be an awesome name and very classy.

    So, if you are coordinating the retreat, do you have to stick to a Christian theme for the activities, or are you free to put together a cross-dressing talent show with sex toy prizes and maybe even Kama Sutra Twister, strip poker and….I am at work, people. Don’t encourage me.

  31. I don’t know if they still print up wedding napkins with the couple’s names and the wedding date, like they did when I was a kid, but if they do, you could TOTALLY print your business plan/price list up on napkins and hand them out like party favors.

    Sallyacious’s last blog post..So. Close.

  32. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in the “How do *I* know more about this type of p0rn than my male friends do? Do I really spend this much free time on the web?” category. It may be a small club, but we know how to be bendy & do super-fun tricks with our tongues, right? 😉

    Heather’s last blog post..to thine own self be true: effort

  33. Naval Hookers.

    I had no idea there were people out there that like to get screwed in the belly button. I guess if you were going to be a hooker, a naval one is better than the traditional kind. Belly buttons can’t get herpes, plus you don’t have to take off your pants as long as they are low riders.

    Miss Yvonne’s last blog post..Who Is Your Role Model?

  34. It is amazing to me that more people don’t know Sailor Moon. I am quite certain that the average Josephina is not going to roll with the whole tentacle-vibe…. but nice try introducing it to the world. Nice try. Maybe your next prostitution scheme will get a better response.

    p.s. Neil’s comment is either a.) extremely offensive or b.) the driest piece of hilarity this side of the Sahara.

    amysprite’s last blog post..Before The Bitches Walked the Walk, They Shook It To That Jazzercize Beat!

  35. I totally mis-read and thought you would be at Christmas camp. Here I am picturing hills made of peppermint and lakes of hot chocolate and marshmallow snowflakes, taking trail rides on reindeer. Then I check it again and realize you’ll just be like, lighting fires to send prayers to heaven on the smoke. Or something? I am unfamiliar with Christian camp.

    Jess’s last blog post..Cody

  36. Well I can vouch for Jenny… we do work for a faith based organization. We are both extreme Christian funamentalists, now if you will excuse me, I must step away from the computer as lightening is about to strike me down for lying and using a Christian organizations computer. It’s most likely going to take out Jenny as well just because, so if she never posts again y’all know why.

  37. Referencing hentai and everyone looking at me like I’m insane and then my boyfriend confirming that I am insane, story of my life.

  38. Dude.

    Bloggess’s “Navel-ettes”. Have them pierce their belly buttons with little silver octopussies. Or anchors.

    Or, y’know, “Submarine Sluts” – Because they go down.

    I used to be in HR too.

    Ree’s last blog post..Mute Monday – S

  39. I was totally violated by tentacles as a volunteer diver at the Tennessee Aquarium. Never feed the octopus without someone nearby to get the damned thing off of you.

    On a purely unrelated note, a few of my friends and I sat around and made up stripper names for ourselves. Yeah, I’m Vega.

    So there you go.

    And HR?!? Wow. You have some titanium balls. Or something…

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Job Offer

  40. Wow, you absolutely stole my idea. Except that I’m WAY, WAY ahead of you. I talked to my accountant and apparently if I call it “relaxation therapy” I won’t even have to charge tax, and it qualifies under the Americans with Disabilities Act in the same way seeing eye dogs and comfort animals do, where you could actually walk right into a store while screwing someone and they couldn’t do anything because you’d have a doctor’s note.

    Now I just need my vagina.

    Johnny Truant’s last blog post..Unfortunately, pants

  41. I have begun to be intimidated by not just the entries, but the awesome comments. I have nothing but this, where I come from the snowmen have wicked branch rods.

    amanda’s last blog post..Believe*

  42. A)Through my relationship with you and this site, I’ve learned that porn is a lot more mainstream than I thought.

    B)I used to think that I was Sailor Moon when I was younger. Well, more specifically, Sailor Jupiter — I mean, recounting embarrassing stories (i.e. your blog/this comment) is really the time to be a stickler for details, you know? But I’m not exaggerating. I. Thought. I. Was. Sailor. Jupiter. Therefore…

    C)If you want to start a fleet of Sailor Prostitutes, I’m probably your gal.

  43. I TOTALLY get you. I have the live action Japanese Sailor Moon tv show where in the VERY FIRST episode she fights a tentacle rape monster.

    Surely this is common knowledge?

    Its a growing problem in Japan, I hear tentacle rape has taken over from Saki addiction as the number one youth related problem!

    Gaymosexual’s last blog post..Very delayed Update

  44. Don’t worry, I’m with you. As soon as you mentioned magna, I was already thinking of that weird tenticle porn. And I don’t even watch magna. It’s just common knowledge. Or, it is in my circle, but obviously not in yours. Feel free to join my circle – I’m giving you a no HR, no Christian Camp guarantee in this circle.

    FruGal’s last blog post..Simple Tips for Day-to-Day Saving

  45. I’m not sure what it says about me that I knew about the tentacle thing. I’m not sure I WANT to know. But at least I’m in good company.

    laanba’s last blog post..Snow!

  46. One time, in school, we had “Eat what you dissect day”. One of the items on the menu was octopus tenticles (which for the record I never dissected) and another were “Rocky Mountain Blue Oysters”, which I’m pretty sure is a fancy name for sheep nuts (and, again, never dissected). I went home and told my dad that I had ate tenticles and he was all “At least you didn’t eat testicles” and I was all “Boo-Ya, I so did, in your face dad”. It was awesome except for that “Eat what you dissect day” was a sham and was probably just a fun way for the teacher to get her students to eat balls.

  47. I would totally back this idea…such a money maker lol. It is kinda like my husband wanting to open a chunky chip n dales lol. He swears there are people out there who want to see over weight mena dn women shake there shit (apparently another idea stolen from a plethera of porn lol) and i totally know what porn you are talking about and i am equally disturbed by the tenticles lol.

    Courtney’s last blog post..Interview and Result

  48. Thanks. I just spent the last 45 minutes googling and checking out tentacle sex. I had no idea.

    I never liked octupus sashimi anyway.

  49. l felt oddly compelled to post, seeing as how I am a virgin (pun intended) to octopus porn. Wow.
    Alert the media, I’m speechless.
    I think a name is definitely in order –
    Sally’s Sea Snatches, huh, bueller? any takers?

  50. the comment by Jenn, numero 8, made me laugh out loud for like ten minutes, which is an accomplishment, since i’m sick and can barely talk.

    jenny, you made me laugh too, just on the inside so i dont kill myself.

  51. Transfer the contents of that napkin to a powerpoint presentation and you’ve totally got a business plan. Toss in some mudflap girls just for flavor. Or just laminate the napkin.

    Holmes’s last blog post..For The Funk Of It

  52. The last bit where you mention that you are at a Christian camp retreat this week is the perfect ending to this post.

    I still feel violated by the tentacle p0rn and what we affectionately termed the “d1ck of light” from some anime I saw in college.

    avonlea’s last blog post..All I Want For Christmas

  53. The male facial musculature is capable of manifesting many emotional changes which are subtle and all but unrecognizable to the naked female eye. Awe and disgust are often confused with one another. I encourage some experimentation with low cut tops and asparagus so that you might capably discern the differences.

  54. I am firmly convinced that the nights that I can’t sleep because my brain won’t shut the fuck up is when you are writing your posts, because this is the shit that goes through my head while I am trying desperately to sleep. That, and the black and white tigers that are attacking my cat’s ass – but I firmly believe you will post about that very soon.

    kaila’s last blog post..Ain’t Got Time For The Pain

  55. i was just violated by tentacles last week.

    I also think you should know that I misspelled tenticles and my spell checker wants to change it to testicles. I like testicles more then tentacles. Something about that swinging / slapping motion

    fidget’s last blog post..Such beauty craps in my yard

  56. Yeah, I have some images from ‘tentacle porn’ indelibly burned into my brain. Unfortunately, I keep returning to it on occasion, which makes me worry–more than I normally do–about my mental stability, but then I read one of your posts and feel much better about myself!!

    residuetiger’s last blog post..Imaginary Friends

  57. I totally get it. Being in HR you’d be able to recruit top flight hookers for your venture. And well if you need to fire them you’d be good at that too.

    WM’s last blog post..I iz 36

  58. LMFAO You have such a fucked-up-coal-black sense of humor that you are immediately adopted, my sis doesn’t know yet, but she will totally love you too ~ In a non-sea-slut-but-totally-in-awe-of-your-mental-process kinda way.

  59. I worked on a Naval Base. It’s not hard to be a hooker in the Navy. Those male sailors are horny all.the.time. They will hump anything that moves. Rumor is that a female sailor paid for a home in cash after she returned from six-month deployment. It could be a lucrative business.

    Astacia’s last blog post..Thirty Times Around the Sun: my birthday post

  60. howdy – came across from the johnny boy who thinks highly of you …

    if you want an aussie arm to your navel hooker empire i am at a loose end, very good with people management, have a brother who is ex prostitution unit in queensland police so I am sure would have some pointers and am a well and truely trustworthy type – so I’m your gal 🙂 le

    le’s last blog post..Six Years Back

  61. I was telling some of my coworkers how hilarious midget porn is just the other day. They all looked at me blankly, and then one of them said “midget porn? is that where, what, it only takes a few seconds to get off?”
    and I was all “NO, like with ACTUAL MIDGETS, little people, getting it on with normal sized people. DUH.”

    Who doesn’t know what MIDGET PORN is??

    You know, I have some live action Japanese tentacle porn at home. LIVE. ACTION. It’s just like that scene in Popeye where the octopus attacks Olive Oyl, except it’s in a hot tub and not the ocean, and Olive Oyl is hot and asian instead of skinny and annoying.

    If you send me your address, I’ll mail you a copy. I know Victor would appreciate it. It’s not blood or drugs, but it’s the best I have to offer.

    PS I inherited this stuff from an ex boyfriend. I promise I am not a pervert. Or a stalker.

  62. I have never seen one of these movies in my life, but somehow I had already heard of this concept, so I can vouch for you, whatever that’s worth.

    The Japanese are just like Americans except that they cover up all their depravity and vulgarity with facades of politeness, civility, accountability, and decency. Sneaky bastards.

    Why does this post make me want to join the Navy so much? Maybe you could get a side gig serving as a recruiter. I’m pretty sure they need all the help they can get these days, or at least while Bush is still at the helm.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..The weather inside is spiteful

  63. Oh my god, STOP IT THIS INSTANT. I always wanted to be pirate hooker. Wait. I totally didn’t say that. What I mean to say was, if, say, I was somehow catapulted back in time 300 hundred years ago and I only had the choice of being a bar wench (land hooker) or a sea wench (pirate hooker) I would TOTALLY be a pirate hooker because, um, hello?! AND if I was tired and didn’t feel like working all I’d have to do is take a nap in a pile of fish voila! retirement.

  64. No one I know has heard of the octopus porn thing either! I keep sending videos of it to everyone I know using unsuspecting titles “Cutest Kitten Ever!” and “How to make a homemade robot chicken!”

  65. Ok, so I need to figure out some names for umm, bordellos i guess, for a YA novel I’m writing…never mind, that sounds terrible…. anyway, I ran into your blog while trying to find a whorehouse name generator (can you believe there isn’t such a thing?). I woke up my kids laughing and even though you didn’t give me any horrible names for these establishments (and to be clear, I AM saving a character from one of these, I’m not a monster), I did get a laugh i needed, and a reminder of why I writing…YOU. With all your issues you still write, and one of your books saved me from a very dark time in my life. I’ve always wanted to write, and for the last year i have. Not every day, but the story is coming together. I deal with a lot of shit, but so do you and you can always make me REALLY LOL. And wake up my kids at 3am.

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