In honor of Terry’s wishes that I celebrate her passing with laughter instead of sorrow I’m posting something only slightly more depressing. I’ve officially been published. It’s the first time ever I’ve ended up in something hard-copy unless you count that time when my vagina was mentioned in Barstool Magazine, which I don’t unless I’m drunk and then I’m all “Did you know my vagina was published?” and Victor makes me go sit in the car and wait for him to pay the bill.
Anyway…me being published. It’s called The Printed Blog and basically it’s exactly like online newspapers that have blogs in them except exactly the opposite. It’s a printed newspaper composed completely of blog content. It’s pretty much the stupidest idea ever and I’m totally on the front page!
Me: I’m on the front page of a newspaper!
Victor: You’re already in a newspaper.
Me: Yes, but this is a printed newspaper! You can pick it up and hold it! Well, except that you can’t actually hold it because they don’t print it here. But it’s in Chicago! And San Francisco! And possibly New York although they weren’t too clear on that.
Victor: So…basically you’re being seen by an even smaller audience than ever.
Me: I’M FAMOUS!
Victor: *cough* World’sGreatestGrampa.*cough*
Me: You’re just jealous that I’m out there making a difference. Even now, homeless people are sleeping under a newspaper I contributed to! Fish are being wrapped in my article! Young children in subways are walking past the newstand asking their parents what “anal” means! BECAUSE OF ME!
Victor: What?
Me: I’m like a martyr who isn’t even dead yet!
Victor: You’re not getting paid for this either, are you?
Me: I AM SAVING THE WORLD THROUGH FREE NEWSPAPERS.
Then I walked off. Also, I should note that if you’re looking at this at work you should just look at the front page because starting on page two there’s some partial nudity. Also there’s more on page 3 and page 6 and there’s a half-nipple and a picture of two girls making out in bikini’s. Basically I’m writing for p0rn.*
*I said that to one of my coworkers and he was all “You’re getting paid in p0rn?! That is the best job ever!” I didn’t correct him though because I needed someone to make me feel good about myself so I was all “Yeah, it’s pretty awesome”.
PS. Dear The Printed Blog: Please send me a copy of the newspaper so I can frame it and also some p0rn so that I won’t be a liar.
PPS. Used p0rn is fine.
PPPS. Ew. Not “used” used p0rn. Lightly perused p0rn.
PPPPS. I debated whether or not to use this title but then I realized that Terry would have laughed her ass off at it so if you’re offended you should blame her and also you should feel really bad for blaming her because she was awesome and what the hell is wrong with you anyway?!
PPPPPS. Seriously? Thank you all for the kind words about Terry. I wish she was here to read them.
UPDATE: Holy crap. I’m on the front page again today, this time detailing my addiction to Meth. It’s right under that photo of Jesus saying “DON’T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE”. This is all going in the Christmas newsletter.
Comment of the day: Not to be a jerk, but Cracked told me that the word ‘peruse’ actually means ‘to read with thoroughness or care‘. So yeah, perused porn is basically even worse than used porn. ~ Liv