UPDATED: Enough about my sweet dead friend. Let’s get back to me.

In honor of Terry’s wishes that I celebrate her passing with laughter instead of sorrow I’m posting something only slightly more depressing.  I’ve officially been published.  It’s the first time ever I’ve ended up in something hard-copy unless you count that time when my vagina was mentioned in Barstool Magazine, which I don’t unless I’m drunk and then I’m all “Did you know my vagina was published?” and Victor makes me go sit in the car and wait for him to pay the bill.

Anyway…me being published.  It’s called The Printed Blog and basically it’s exactly like online newspapers that have blogs in them except exactly the opposite.  It’s a printed newspaper composed completely of blog content.  It’s pretty much the stupidest idea ever and I’m totally on the front page! 

Me:  I’m on the front page of a newspaper! 

Victor:  You’re already in a newspaper.

Me:  Yes, but this is a printed newspaper!  You can pick it up and hold it!  Well, except that you can’t actually hold it because they don’t print it here.  But it’s in Chicago!  And San Francisco!  And possibly New York although they weren’t too clear on that.

Victor:  So…basically you’re being seen by an even smaller audience than ever. 

Me:  I’M FAMOUS!

Victor: *cough* World’sGreatestGrampa.*cough*

Me:  You’re just jealous that I’m out there making a difference.  Even now, homeless people are sleeping under a newspaper I contributed to!  Fish are being wrapped in my article!  Young children in subways are walking past the newstand asking their parents what “anal” means!  BECAUSE OF ME!

Victor:  What?

Me:  I’m like a martyr who isn’t even dead yet!

Victor:  You’re not getting paid for this either, are you?

Me:  I AM SAVING THE WORLD THROUGH FREE NEWSPAPERS.

Then I walked off.  Also, I should note that if you’re looking at this at work you should just look at the front page because starting on page two there’s some partial nudity.  Also there’s more on page 3 and page 6 and there’s a half-nipple and a picture of two girls making out in bikini’s.  Basically I’m writing for p0rn.*

*I said that to one of my coworkers and he was all “You’re getting paid in p0rn?!  That is the best job ever!”  I didn’t correct him though because I needed someone to make me feel good about myself so I was all “Yeah, it’s pretty awesome”.

PS.  Dear The Printed Blog: Please send me a copy of the newspaper so I can frame it and also some p0rn so that I won’t be a liar.

PPS.  Used p0rn is fine.

PPPS.  Ew.  Not “used” used p0rn.  Lightly perused p0rn.

PPPPS.  I debated whether or not to use this title but then I realized that Terry would have laughed her ass off at it so if you’re offended you should blame her and also you should feel really bad for blaming her because she was awesome and what the hell is wrong with you anyway?!

PPPPPS.  Seriously?  Thank you all for the kind words about Terry.  I wish she was here to read them.

UPDATE: Holy crap.  I’m on the front page again today, this time detailing my addiction to Meth.  It’s right under that photo of Jesus saying “DON’T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE”.  This is all going in the Christmas newsletter.

Comment of the day:  Not to be a jerk, but Cracked told me that the word ‘peruse’ actually means ‘to read with thoroughness or care‘.  So yeah, perused porn is basically even worse than used porn. ~ Liv

96 thoughts on “UPDATED: Enough about my sweet dead friend. Let’s get back to me.

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  1. And the winner of the least “greenest” idea for February — let’s take material that is online, have thousands of people print it out on paper, so they can read the exact same posts that they just read online, and then have everyone toss the paper into the trash, killing more trees. If we can work in clubbing some seals into the mix, I want in!

  2. You are the bitchin-est blogger evah! Also, even though I check obsessively thru the day to see if there are new posts, there are always 600 posters ahead of me. So let me take this opportunity to crow at being near the top!

  3. I didn’t even know a vagina COULD BE published by I’m new to this whole game or at least that’s what i tell people when they ask where I’VE been published. Then I push over their barstool and run away.

  4. I’m not sure which was funnier, your published article or your post about your published article…I’ll have to get back to you!

  5. omg! How do you sign a deal to get paid in porn?

    I mean, right now I don’t get paid at ALL, so that’s got to be an improvement.

  6. Is your paper available in Britain? My local fish’n’chip shop’s newspapers are crap.They get ink all over the fish – it’s horrible.

  7. I love how suddenly the blog newspaper isn’t a paper anymore. Your blog pretty much sent that idea off on its merry own way. Oh, please will you please send Victor away everyday and stay home and make every day President’s day?

  8. I had a photo published in a book once, and Hot Husband was so proud of me that he bought the book. (I hadn’t wanted to). Years later I found out the whole thing was a scam and they only published you if you WERE buying the book. So, yeah, I paid to have my shit published. I still feel so used when I think about it. And I never told Hot Husband because I was embarassed. Now I see that picture and laugh my ass off because it sucks.

    Congrats on being published in the paper. I’m in NY…would you like me to see if I can find a copy to send you?

  9. A.W.E.S.O.M.E.

    Which stands for awesomenisity as well as Anal Whore Exits Stage Over Mesquite Eater.

    Maybe not. Go with the first one. It makes more sense.

  10. Did you enter the Wii contest to pick the new tagline?

    One of my three entries is “Bloggers Love Dead Trees Too.”

    I don’t think I’ll win. But you probably could!

    http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=8592&post=35752&uid=40395149722#/topic.php?uid=40395149722&topic=8592

    You can totally edit out the link. I’m not trying to pimp facebook or your publication on your blog, just sharing. I’d email but I’m not as cool as your paralegal.

  11. Used porn is okay, but beware the repercussions of used anal beads. Damn, you really think you’re getting a good deal on Ebay!

  12. Is this seal-bashing recycled porn newspaper Canadian, by chance? We’re famous for clubbing the hell out of those pesky baby seals. And it’s cold here – porn = warmth.

  13. I think the whole Printed Blog idea is pretty neat even if it probably won’t make money. If I were on a train or walking around Chicago I would totally pick it up and learn about some new blogs. Especially on the train.

  14. Oh, I can promise you Terry would LOVE that title!

    And I’m totally envious. I’ve been published a bazillion times, and I’ve never been paid in porn.

  15. Hey, if you’ve made it in Chicago, you’ve made it.

    I don’t have a BlackBerry or anything, and don’t want one, so I’d love to read this if all the blogs were half as good as yours.

    Go pollution!

  16. Jenny,

    People who have died are very magnanimous about graveyard humor. It’s their nearest and dearest who, understandably, get their panties in a wad.

    Thus, I’m confident that Terry is smiling down on you, unless she’s in purgatory, in which case she is smiling up on you–minor detail. Either way, she’s smiling.

    Congratulations on being famous. Is this the 15 minute version or more along the lines of Mary Magdalene’s?

  17. Good job killing more trees. And me, now that the total oxygen in the world has been reduced by 0.000000000000000000000001%. I’m slipping…tell my wife I’m sorry for spending so much time on the internet…

  18. Shit sells.
    I suspect that they really wanted a yet-to-be-outed-and-caught record-book-leading serial killer, but settled on you, the next best and closest thing.

    I know there is a compliment in the above somewhere, it felt that way when I wrote it, a slightly warm and sticky and reddish feeling, even if it doesn’t read that way…..

  19. I am so pissed at you right now. Not because you put yourself before Terry, who was clearly a much better person than you because she could actually be your friend. Not because you got paid for writing porn.

    Because you sold out to M&M/Mars! I saw the ad. How could I not? I covered practically the entire page!! And their chocolate sucks.

    So congrats on using that bacon photo and getting ads for your blog. They suck, though.

  20. I hate M&M’s. Except the peanut ones. Those are mildly acceptable. But only the yellow ones. I have no idea what you’re talking about regarding a full page ad though. I think you might be hallucinating. Either that or M&M’s are highjacking my shit.

  21. Sorry about your friend. Life can be very painful. You make it a bit less painful for lots of people, so thank you for that.

    My husband says there are too many man tits in the printed blog, can you do something about that?

    P.S. He’s also on meth for a pinched nerve in his neck so he’s all in my face about how much you two have in common.

  22. Yeah. The naked couple lying on top of each other on the pile of dirty mattresses on page 2 really seem to be enjoying themselves. Seriously. I’m not sure if they’re even alive. I didn’t look past that page, though, ’cause I was all disgusted by the photos of what I really think are just naked corpses in sexual positions. And not even creative sexual positions either. Jesus! Have some respect for the dead, people!

  23. Just think Larry Flynt might read your printed porn (well, your article printed next to porn) and want to put it on his blog! The circle of life never ceases to amaze me.

  24. Look out Hustler! You should totally submit some of your work to them; then you can have your writing AND your vagina published in the same place. And really, isn’t that what we all aspire to?

  25. Hmmm…I’m a little mixed on this whole printed blog thing. I mean, I love having printed material, but I’m not sure if blogs translate well to that, unless they’re extremely well written. And, by reading blogs, I didn’t have to feel bad about killing trees 🙁 Still, it looks pretty cool so far, so maybe I’m wrong…

  26. I think it’s great that you can now be read in the bathroom. People with desktops rejoice!

  27. Cynthia Heimel wrote for porn, so I don’t see why you couldn’t as well. You should totally pitch Playboy on giving you an advice column. It could be called “Ask a MILF” or something much less lame than that. I can’t think of anything better, but that’s why I’m not pitching this idea to Playboy, but you totally should.

    Jennifer Kenney’s last blog post..Homeless Rates Increasing

  28. R.I.P. Terry, long live The Bloggess. Mother Teresa on the front page of The Printed Blog. Wicked cool. Try to refrain from using vag picks out of respect for the dead.

  29. I am thrilled. Also jealous. It’s been so long since I’ve been in print, and half the time they spell my name wrong.

    Also I am worried that fidget apparently has three nipples.

    PS: Where’s my face-spackle?

  30. i had to look the word up that you used on twitter, “unsycophantic”.

    i’m kind of surprised my picture wasn’t included in the definition of the word without the “UN”, making it just “sycophantic”.

    that might not makes sense.

  31. holy shit, i swear to god i didn’t make a second error on purpose.

    i’m a pice of work.

    fuck it, i’m not leaving comments anymore ever, anywhere.

  32. I’m going to blame her for shutting off my alarm clock this morning, too. Thanks Terry!

    Also, I’ve been experimenting with different margarine containers ever since reading your now-published post, because I have a dream that one day I’ll live in a world where my waffles fit into the dish and butter themselves. So far, all the containers are too small. Did you use actual sticks of butter in an actual dish and then kind of twirl the waffle around? Or do you have a giant margarine container? Or tiny waffles?

    Cat’s last blog post..Diamonds On the Soles of Her Poo (sha na na na na)

  33. Eggo waffles plus Country Crock butter in the round tub. It fits perfectly until you get to the bottom and then you have to kind of squish the waffle into it because the container narrows. It’s not an exact science but it’s pretty damn close.

  34. My mom (rest her soul) used newspapers when she cleaned our windows.*

    If she were alive, she’d have been honored to use your newspaper to clean the fanciest windows of our house. Once she drove to Chicago to retrieve a copy of course.

    PS: Nothing is really real until it’s happening in Cincinnati, just sayin’

    *To this day, sweet memories of her cleaning bring me to tears which is why my house is such a sty I think. That or I’m lazy.

    Amy in Ohio’s last blog post..On this day, many, many years ago…

  35. I can vouch for the fact that your vagina has been published because, well, you know, it was me

    Here is the actual passage…

    OK geography aside this year’s Ifest celebrated everything African and its place in history complete with a re-creation of a 13 or 14th century church in Ethiopia. This barstool contributor was given special access to the site where this re-creation was being – well, created a couple months back. I remember it being morning, somewhere in the heights. There may have been some Old Milwaukee’s involved and some sort of cancerous foam that a pirate was spraying everywhere. There were others around, including a certain blogger, or bloggess if you will, whose vagina I know way too much about 😉 Then I ended up at Sig’s Lagoon drinking Lone Star. Real high class affair kinda day. Holy shit where was I?

    —————————

    Pirate proof!

    http://thebloggess.com/?p=435

  36. I Xeroxed my ass and handed copies out to hobos. According to The Bloggess’ definition of “published,” I ought to start looking for a literary agent.

  37. Dude I never laugh at things I read on the web but I totally cracked up at your “Addicted to Meth” story. Thank you, thank you!

  38. Because I’m totally going to hell I’ll say this out loud. Jesus saying, “Don’t make me come down there” totally makes me think that he likes to come on tits.

    mrtl’s last blog post..The Furlough Song

  39. Jenny, pull out quick. You’ve been bamboozled. Marketers at TPB probably use Twitter to find out who has enormous fan bases, then approach those bloggers with the allure of print. It looks like a scuzzy online rag set up to sell tons of ads based on huge numbers of hits when bloggers like you provide links to it.

    betaphi’s last blog post..End of the Rainbow

  40. Well Congrats to being on the front page (again)!
    I too happened to scroll down the pages and noticed more and more nudity. My 13 yrs old was stalking behing me asking me to go on Mafia Wars and send him an energy pak. He quickly changed his mind after seeing what was on those pages.
    I guess he got a little energy boost of his own.

    Sheila’s last blog post..GETTIN THINGS DONE!

  41. 1)I am very sorry to hear about your friend, Terry. Cancer sucks really hard.

    2)Congratulations on being published in the porn rag.

    3)The porn rag also tells me that Abraham Lincoln was the devil.

    Jenni’s last blog post..Sour Mix, Anyone?

  42. Dude, I wonder if you can order The Printed Blog and get it at home… like a regular newspaper. There is nothing I would enjoy more then reading your blog while causally ignoring my screaming two year old every morning with a glass of juice. How totally fantastic would that be?!

    Sarah’s last blog post..Double!!! Monday Momisms

  43. Completely off topic, I’ve been meaning to ask you about the Orange Show. I saw your post on it and I’m wondering how bad it really is, because my brother is getting married there at the end of March. Right now my I’m at Dread Level: Rolling My Eyes and Muttering. I’m thinking I might raise that Dread Level to Cursing Louldy Enough to Scare the Dog, but I need to tell me if I should raise it to Dread Level: Fracturing My Tibia to Have a Good Excuse Not to Go. What do you think?

  44. I have seen the Orange Show, and I think Dread Level: Cursing Louldy Enough to Scare the Dog is sufficient. Your mileage may vary.

  45. I’m sorry about Terry, and I agree, she would have loved that title. The Printed Blog sounds oxymoron-ish (SOMEONE is going to club me because they think I’m calling you a moron, I am sure), but no matter, cool that you made the front page. I think they should bring back tablets–you know, like the ten commandments–while they’re at it. Ye Olde Blog Tablets would be awesome.

    Ellen’s last blog post..Raising a child with special needs: a photo essay

  46. hey. guess what. i totally saw you on the front page before reading this post. i was looking at the printed blog online and started reading and was like, um….i know this writing. and then i saw your name and totally high-fived you. okay, that’s a lie. for two reasons. (1) you weren’t here
    (2) i’m not a fan of the high-five

    krista’s last blog post..alumni

  47. “Creepy, but at least you won’t pass out from the heat.”

    I’ll take that as a ringing endorsement. Thanks.

  48. Well…I’m proud you were published. I think you’re a special talent. I absolutely looooved that one entry where you wrote about self-loathing, your vagina and no one liking you. Oh, that was all of them?

    …I see.

    Love
    JM

  49. So I was cooking dinner last night and had left your page to load and my husband wandered by and yelled,
    “Did I just see the word vagina?”
    “What? What website are you looking at?”
    “I dunno. Some chick with curlers in her hair.”
    “Ah, Jenny. Then yes, you most likely saw the word vagina.”

  50. Hey Jenny! I’m Michelle and am the assistant publisher for The Printed Blog. You’re stuff is absolutely hilarious! My heart goes out to you and Terry’s family for your loss…keep up the great work!

  51. My thoughts and prayers to Terry’s family and all her friends…

    Actually, you’re published more places than you realize…your bio, aliases, and photo (3 of them) are on the bulletin board at our post office.

  52. You really need to make it so that when you click on the top image of the website it will take you back to the home page. It’s standard. Get with it. I’m waiting.

  53. and also… I want to be able to start at post one. I have (literally) been going backwards one page at a time to read everything I missed during the 3 years I didn’t know about you. (they were 3 miserable years, I assure you.) And this sucks mainly because everytime my laptop loses power or restarts or what-have-you, I lose my place and have to back through every post one at a time until I get back to where I was in 2009. I don’t want to miss a bloggess-moment and I will continue to back-page through, but a “start at the beginning” would be awesome. Kind of like “choose your own adventure” exept you don’t get to choose anything at all you just have to roll with it. Maybe that’s what reading your book will be like. Unless I start at the front and work my way back. In that case, I’ll have the same problem.

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