This morning I wrote a post for the Chronicle about Wolverine blow-jobs and then right after that I twittered:
And then suddenly eleventy billion people tweeted back “WOLVERINES!!!!!” And it was awesome. So awesome, in fact, that within an hour “WOLVERINES!” had become a top trend on twitter and people were vowing to shout it on the subway. Then Victor woke up and was all “This house looks like shit. What have you been doing all morning?” and I’m all “I’ve orchestrated a mass Red Dawn awakening before most of America has had coffee, that’s-what-I’ve-been-doing“. Then he gave me this look of disgust and said, “I don’t get it” and I’m all “That’s why it’s so funny. No one gets it. It’s like when you’re at the grocery store and you suddenly yell out ‘SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!’ and everyone stops and looks at you weird, but then one person over in the cereal aisle starts laughing and yells back “KHAAAAAAN!”, and then you laugh and go back to shopping. That’s what life is all about.” And Victor’s all, “Yeah. I just don’t think it’s funny” and I yelled “YOU DON’T THINK THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD RANDOMLY SCREAMING ‘WOLVERINES!’ IS FUNNY?!” Then I thought about leaving him. Then Hailey started screaming “WOLFAREEMS!” and I’m like “Even four year olds think this shit is funny“. Then we went to this sandwich shop for lunch where you write down your name and order and then they call out your name when it’s ready, so I filled mine out and gave it to Victor so he could pay for it.
Then the sandwich guy was all “Uh…I’ve got a BLT here. Uh…wolverines?” and then I laughed so hard coke shot out of my nose. And Victor was like “What is wrong with you?” And I’m all “WOLVERINES!!!” It was awesome. Then we went back home and Victor left to do some work, but like 10 seconds later he stepped back inside and screamed “WOOOOOLVERIIIIIINES!!!!!” Like, so hard he was panting afterward. And I’m all “Exactly.”
And that’s how Red Dawn saved my marriage.
Comment of the day: Speaking of Wolverine blowjobs, here is how I got introduced to the concept of furries: this friend of mine in college told me that he (my friend) was e-chatting with some dude about some innocuous, non-furry-sex thing and then said dude typed something completely insane and filthy and perverted and then followed up with “Oh, sorry, I’m getting a blowjob from a raccoon in the other chat window.” And my friend said (to me) “And the weirdest thing is that raccoons don’t even have saliva, so why would you even want a blowjob from a raccoon?” That was more than 15 years ago, and every time I see a raccoon I still think of this. Every. Time. ~ jfruh