So today Victor and I had this big fight and it was pretty much like every fight we ever have in that it starts off with a misunderstanding about sharks and ends with Victor being a complete dick and I’m always like “JUST FUCKING FIX THIS” and he’s all “No one understands your rules” and I’m like “This is so fucking simple. Why don’t you get this? All you have to do is hold me and tell me you love me and that you’re sorry and then we can move on” but he won’t because he’s an asshole and then when he does finally do it it’s in this really begrudging sort of way and I’m all “No, it has to be genuine. Not like I have a gun to a puppies face” and he’s all “FUCK! I SAID I WAS SORRY” and I’m all “Yes, BUT YOU DIDN’T SAY IT RIGHT” and then he stomps off yelling profanities and I’m all “THIS IS NOT MAKING IT BETTER!” Then he screams “Why am I always the one who’s wrong here?” and I’m all “That’s exactly what I’d like to know” and then he’s like “You are fucking killing me” and I’m all “You’re killing us both. Just say you’re sorry *genuinely* and it’s done”. So then after like 8 more hours fighting he comes back in and sighs defeatedly and kind of half-heartedly hugs me and says “Sorry if what I said about you hurt your feelings” but it’s that kind of hug where you don’t use your hands because your mom is forcing you to hug your sister and I’m all “Ugh. Dude, hold me like you WANT to hold me” and he gives me this confused look and then tentatively puts both hands on my boobs and I’m trying to be patient because at least he’s trying and I whisper “No. Don’t grab my boobs” like I’m giving him answers to the math test and then he moves his hands down and I’m all “Not my ass either” he’s like “FUCK! You said to hold you like *I* wanted to” and I’m all “That’s not what I mean and you know it. I just meant, like hold me close to you an-ohmyGod stop looking at my boobs” and Victor’s all “Aargh! I don’t know what you want!” and I take a deep breath and I’m all “Okay. Just…hold me like you’re a virtuous young vampire and I’m a virginal woman and you desperately want me but you are too respectful to maul me or insult me by staring at my chest” and he pauses for a second like he doesn’t understand stage direction and then he steps back and holds my shoulders at an arm’s length with one eyebrow raised like “Is this it?” and I just kind of sigh because at this point I don’t even know if he’s really trying or just fucking with me and then he’s all “No. I don’t like it because I have to look in your eyes” and I’m all “What the FUCK?!” and he’s like “It’s just that…your boobs look really great today” and then I shook my head and considered stabbing him and then I realized that it was actually the first genuine thing he’d said in hours and also that it’s probably the most romantic compliment I’m going to get all month so instead I just decided to go with it and pretend my nipples were my eyeballs. And then I said “You are lucky to have me” and he’s all “Uh-huh” except he forgot to say the “uh” part but I forgive him because he forgets words sometimes when he’s distacted and so I just say them for him in my head. Then I say “Thank you, actually this is a new dress” out loud and Victor wonders who I’m talking to.
And that’s why it’s called “compromise”.
PS. When Victor and I went to New York a few weeks ago (post coming, I promise) I was surprised at how many blind/limbless/disabled beggars there were around but this one was my favorite:
Even better? What he was doing on the other side of his sign.
I gave him a dollar.
PPS. Victor says you’re not supposed to have a “favorite” blind/limbless/disabled beggar but I’m pretty sure that’s discrimination. Victor says it isn’t. We’re totally about to have another fight.
Comment of the day: When my husband gets tired of fighting, he likes to break me by looking at me with big eyes and saying, “How does a penguin walk?” Which initially pisses me off, but who can stay mad at a grown man running after you, flapping his arms and yelling, “Hooow does a penguin waaaalk?” Which is why our fights usually end with BOTH of us running around the living room, flapping our arms, and the neighbors gathering around our window. ~ MonsteRawr