If someone sent you this post it’s probably because you really fucked up or they love you and want to change you. Either way, you should probably thank them.

So today Victor and I had this big fight and it was pretty much like every fight we ever have in that it starts off with a misunderstanding about sharks and ends with Victor being a complete dick and I’m always like “JUST FUCKING FIX THIS” and he’s all “No one understands your rules” and I’m like “This is so fucking simple.  Why don’t you get this?  All you have to do is hold me and tell me you love me and that you’re sorry and then we can move on” but he won’t because he’s an asshole and then when he does finally do it it’s in this really begrudging sort of way and I’m all “No, it has to be genuine.  Not like I have a gun to a puppies face” and he’s all “FUCK! I SAID I WAS SORRY” and I’m all “Yes, BUT YOU DIDN’T SAY IT RIGHT” and then he stomps off yelling profanities and I’m all “THIS IS NOT MAKING IT BETTER!”  Then he screams “Why am I always the one who’s wrong here?” and I’m all “That’s exactly what I’d like to know” and then he’s like “You are fucking killing me” and I’m all “You’re killing us both.  Just say you’re sorry *genuinely* and it’s done”.  So then after like 8 more hours fighting he comes back in and sighs defeatedly and kind of half-heartedly hugs me and says “Sorry if what I said about you hurt your feelings” but it’s that kind of hug where you don’t use your hands because your mom is forcing you to hug your sister and I’m all “Ugh.  Dude, hold me like you WANT to hold me” and he gives me this confused look and then tentatively puts both hands on my boobs and I’m trying to be patient because at least he’s trying and I whisper “No. Don’t grab my boobs” like I’m giving him answers to the math test and then he moves his hands down and I’m all “Not my ass either” he’s like “FUCK! You said to hold you like *I* wanted to” and I’m all “That’s not what I mean and you know it.  I just meant, like hold me close to you an-ohmyGod stop looking at my boobs” and Victor’s all “Aargh!  I don’t know what you want!” and I take a deep breath and I’m all “Okay.  Just…hold me like you’re a virtuous young vampire and I’m a virginal woman and you desperately want me but you are too respectful to maul me or insult me by staring at my chest” and he pauses for a second like he doesn’t understand stage direction and then he steps back and holds my shoulders at an arm’s length with one eyebrow raised like “Is this it?” and I just kind of sigh because at this point I don’t even know if he’s really trying or just fucking with me and then he’s all “No.  I don’t like it because I have to look in your eyes” and I’m all “What the FUCK?!” and he’s like “It’s just that…your boobs look really great today” and then I shook my head and considered stabbing him and then I realized that it was actually the first genuine thing he’d said in hours and also that it’s probably the most romantic compliment I’m going to get all month so instead I just decided to go with it and pretend my nipples were my eyeballs.  And then I said “You are lucky to have me” and he’s all “Uh-huh” except he forgot to say the “uh” part but I forgive him because he forgets words sometimes when he’s distacted and so I just say them for him in my head.  Then I say “Thank you, actually this is a new dress” out loud and Victor wonders who I’m talking to.

And that’s why it’s called “compromise”.

PS.  When Victor and I went to New York a few weeks ago (post coming, I promise) I was surprised at how many blind/limbless/disabled beggars there were around but this one was my favorite:


Even better? What he was doing on the other side of his sign.


I gave him a dollar.

PPS.  Victor says you’re not supposed to have a “favorite” blind/limbless/disabled beggar but I’m pretty sure that’s discrimination.  Victor says it isn’t.  We’re totally about to have another fight.

Comment of the day: When my husband gets tired of fighting, he likes to break me by looking at me with big eyes and saying, “How does a penguin walk?” Which initially pisses me off, but who can stay mad at a grown man running after you, flapping his arms and yelling, “Hooow does a penguin waaaalk?” Which is why our fights usually end with BOTH of us running around the living room, flapping our arms, and the neighbors gathering around our window. ~ MonsteRawr

105 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Say what you want but I’m on Victor’s side this time. I feel your pain…!

  2. I wonder if the blind guy would stare at your tits, too?

    flutter’s last blog post..I am rounding the corner

  3. This is totally going down in my own personal history as my #1 favourite Bloggess post. Especially the virtuous vampire part.

    Lynn (Walking With Scissors)’s last blog post..Silicon Valley Moms Summer Road Trip

  4. OMG, that’s awesome! Where did you see this guy? My gf & I are going to NYC in a few weeks. We’ll have to see if we can find him and tell him he’s famous now! hahaha

    Daniel Hagan’s last blog post..Parkinson’s Law

  5. It was at a park that has a fountain in it. That probably doesn’t help much.

  6. And to think, there are times when I believe that I think being married is something to aspire to. Huh.

    Maura’s last blog post..Hitting the Road

  7. I thought maybe you were trying to trick me into watching gay porn with the link on the blind man image, but you let me down.

    Kim Røen’s last blog post..Toilet-credit

  8. I have to be honest here – I would totally send this to my husband but it would result in the exact same argument described above. THEY DON’T HAVE A CLUE BECAUSE ALL THEY THINK ABOUT IS BOOBS.

    One of my favorite posts ever. Truly, and I’m sure the dress is hot.

    Dijea’s last blog post..I’m pissed and I don’t care who knows it

  9. See, you have the right idea about what it takes to make a marriage work these days. I also try to help out my wife by silently saying things for her that she forgets to say, and sometimes I even have whole conversations for us. But it seems the wife in my head is a total BITCH and always winds up nagging me about things I said I’d do and haven’t done that I don’t even remembering SAYING I’d do. Although it’s possible Head Wife said it silently FOR me, in HER head, which doesn’t count because her head’s imaginary. So we get in these silent screaming matches, and then when I finally back down (because it’s ALWAYS ME!), Real Wife comes into the room and says something to me, and I have to break off the conversation with Head Wife at a real delicate moment and she’s all, “Don’t IGNORE me like that, our MARRIAGE is on the line!” Well, I just couldn’t take it anymore, so now my head’s getting divorced.

    Scott C.’s last blog post..The Dud From “Mystery Date” Sets Us Straight

  10. since we’ve all had a decent gander at your breasts, i’d have to agree with victor about them being a distraction.

    and if i hadn’t already lost faith in humanity because of the whole “evolution” thing? the fake blind guy would’ve for sure done it for me.


    andy’s last blog post..life is a party bag full of porn, cat hair, happiness, and vomit. sound unappealing? if you want the joy, sometimes you have to get the barf.

  11. 11
    Just A. Reader

    Maybe Victor wouldn’t get so distracted if your nipples were wearing blue hats.

  12. Jenny, I understand exactly what you’re going through. All you need is for Victor to be sincerely sorry for everything he may or may not have said, done or thought. And all Victor needs is to learn how to fake that convincingly enough to fool you, while simultaneously ignoring the completely irrelevant facts regarding what anyone actually said, did or thought. It’s just that simple.

    Steve’s last blog post..Six Degrees of Godwin

  13. That’s a lot of stuff to have to type just to post a comment… shit now what did I want to say???? oh right

    I TOTALLY understand EXACTLY your side of the fight and I have had this same fight with my hubby like every full moon I swear to god! I honestly think men are fucking stupid! I don’t want you to just go through the mottions just to make me happy.. I WANT YOU TO WANT TO DO THEM BECAUSE YOU FUCKING WANT TO! and if those thoughts and feeling don’t come into your pea sized brain then MAYBE we shouldn’t BE TOGETHER! MEN! I’m seriously contemplating the whole lesbian idea…. they just might be geniuses!

  14. When your name is “Victor”, you don’t have to compromise. You just automatically win.

    Marinka’s last blog post..Are You There, Gynecologist? It’s Me, Marinka!

  15. I think this is a banner post for both marriage and disabled-homelessness. The best way for me to integrate the principles of this post into my daily life – because, you know, I try to do that with every post I read, which can be difficult sometimes with your posts because doing so puts me at risk of being arrested most of the time – is to marry this man. Maybe I can swing by NYC after my weekend in Chicago, pick the dood up, and fly him to Vegas for a quickie wedding. If I do, will you be my maid of honor? Cool, thanks. 🙂

    Lara’s last blog post..MALARIA

  16. Possibly the funniest shit I have ever read in my life. 🙂

    Teresa Wu’s last blog post..Gratuitous Declarations

  17. On the flipside if you imagined your boobs like they were hard romantic cock yearning to swoop you up and make love to you like there was no tomorrow and was attached to some hard man body; ummm… typing that out kinda “icked” me out ’cause lesbians aren’t fans of the man cock. You get it, anyways, your boobs are the hard sexy man cock of the hetero womans world. Try to give him some understanding. Your boobs would have me retarded too, hetero women and their hetero confusion. Try chaneling your inner lesbian next time you masterbate do it in front of a mirror. Totally would give you some prespective.

    Rah-Shell’s last blog post..As she left the party, she smiled her great big smile, knowing…

  18. oh and yes you can have your fave disabled beggar… imagine if you were a disables beggar wouldn’t YOU want to be someones favorite????? I mean come on! we can have a favorite flower which are there to look pretty smell nice and brighten up our world and isn’t that just what a disabled beggar is???? I might be confusing them with something else….hmmm….

  19. I think you totally made women everywhere feel a lot better knowing that our arguments are all the same, without the misunderstanding about sharks but still just as random and then afterwards you’re all, How did this fight start anyway?

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..I’ve Been Missing For Several Reasons

  20. ummm, how was the make-up sex?? That is the best part of an argument.

    peedee’s last blog post..Cast Off! Woot!!

  21. The texting blind guy is an actor in a scavenger hunt type show in NYC called “Accomplice.” Pretty fun, actually.

  22. 22

    How the hell did you get a surveillance camera into our home and who do you think you are writing about us?


  24. Maybe his cell phone keypad has Braille on it? *shrugs* … LOL…:-)

    Zandria’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: That Which Is Lost…Will Be Found Again…

  25. Blind guy texting is classic.

    annie’s last blog post..Eubie Blake #fridayflash

  26. This is the sort of post that makes me love, love, love you. When Sweets and I “fight” its usually by text. That way he can’t see me shooting him the “bad” finger. Or hear me screaming at him in between texts. All of this makes me look good (no screaming or finger gestures), which is my plan bahahaha…

    Martie’s last blog post..Am I The Only One Who Sometimes Disikes Their Kids?…

  27. Is anyone wearing blue hatS?
    As in, is one person wearing more than one blue hat?
    Because that shit’s just fucked up ya’ll.

  28. J. We are double secret fighting twins. Powers activate. smooches. Toungue.

    amy’s last blog post..yeah well I can’t help it. I want to talk about blogher.

  29. What is it with men and not being able to hug without grabbing an ass cheek or cupping a boob??? Neither of us backs down in my house so it’s kinda scary. Putting a crotch in his face is probably the only way to shut his ass up. Men …

    Awesome pic of the sorta-blind dude.

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..I Failed At Nudity

  30. OK – you nearly killed my husband. He’s the one that turned me on to your blog – which brings us both endless amusement.

    So today I read this post, and said, “Honey – you MUST read The Bloggess right now”. After a lot of laughing, shaking and slapping of the desk he finally calmed down. Honestly, I’m not sure how much of this kind of laughter he can take.

    Wormie’s last blog post..Knit Your Bit

  31. Hey, hate to burst your bubble and all, but whatever i like ruining people’s fun. But that blind guy is actually part of an interactive theater piece, which i participated in and was awesome. Though I do think that to make up for being an ass i should say your boobs probably were very attractive that day and thats why the guy broke character, to text someone about them.

  32. Fuck. That guy owes me a dollar.

  33. Screw the fake blind guy (well not literally of course, unless you’re looking to start another ‘compromise’), your fights sound like they’re awesome.

    Liv’s last blog post..the daily/weekly/whenever review: glee

  34. OK, here is the magic spell to say that will save your marriage, except that you may have a big fight about who has to say it:

    I’m sorry. You were right, dear, AND, I was wrong.

    The first two phrases are healing, but what really pulls the poison out is the last one.

    Right: “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
    Wrong: “I’m sorry IF I hurt you.”
    Why is the “IF” wrong?: The “IF” is a weasel word. When you’ve hurt someone and they are acting hurt and angry, you should be pretty clear about the connection between what you did/said and the fact that it resulted in hurt/anger. The fact that you may think it should NOT have resulted in hurt/anger counts zero against the fact that it DID.

    Also, for the men:

    Question: If a man is alone in a forest and no woman can hear him, is he still wrong?
    Answer: Yes.

    So that should settle it once and for all.

    Cynthia Yockey, A Conservative Lesbian’s last blog post..Yo! Krauthammer! Jonah Goldberg! Palin would be a better president RIGHT NOW than Obama ever will be

  35. Regarding Victor being captured by the sight of your breasts and rendered unable to focus his attention where you thought it ought to be, I believe the poet William Butler Yeats speaks for nearly all straight men, and frankly, a LOT of us lesbians, and explains why with this poem — although he is writing about hair, and it sounds like Ms. Gregory had a precursor of the Princess Leia coif:

    For Anne Gregory

    ‘Never shall a young man,
    Thrown into despair
    By those great honey-coloured
    Ramparts at your ear,
    Love you for yourself alone
    And not your yellow hair.’

    ‘But I can get a hair-dye
    And set such colour there,
    Brown, or black, or carrot,
    That young men in despair
    May love me for myself alone
    And not my yellow hair.’

    ‘I heard an old religious man
    But yesternight declare
    That he had found a text to prove
    That only God, my dear,
    Could love you for yourself alone
    And not your yellow hair.’

    I hope this helps you to forgive him.

    Cynthia Yockey, A Conservative Lesbian’s last blog post..Yo! Krauthammer! Jonah Goldberg! Palin would be a better president RIGHT NOW than Obama ever will be

  36. I used to have exactly that fight with my husband, although it wasn’t always about sharks, but once involved me throwing meat Then I went on crazy pills and we stopped having that fight

  37. You totally knew you were going to be arguing about sharks so you purposely wore a dress that accentuated your boobs.

    I am on Viktors side.

    William’s last blog post..Holes

  38. You should have TAKEN money money from him just for being a liar. And then said, “You know, God hates liars! Blind people can’t read texts!”
    And those fights are EXACTLY like Hubby’s and mine. Thanks for putting them into words.

    Jules’s last blog post..Things I Need and Trilobites

  39. You totally spelled thebloggess.com on the second photo wrong … Wait, did you have the blind guy type that? Cause then it would be ok.

  40. that’s pretty much how our fights go, except there are more f-bombs. unless of course you are filtering out the f-bombs, which i totally fucking understand.

    AS Novus’s last blog post..a day in the life…

  41. Are you sure you weren’t channeling the argument I had with my butthead spouse this morning? And the blind guy? Um, do they make braille on cellphones?

    Theresa’s last blog post..A Happy Birthday And A Shame On Somebody

  42. “..I decided to go with it and pretend my nipples were my eyeballs.” – Hysterical!

    LB @Wait, She Said What?’s last blog post..Food, Fireworks and Fun! Oh my!

  43. I don’t have time to read the comments, so I hope no one else has said this (but I kinda doubt it…)

    I just read this post out loud to my husband (because he thinks you’re the funniest thing ever, which still makes me hate him – read your email) but then he said, “She’s hilarious. Now shut your computer and come help me get these kids out of the tub.”

    He talks all tough, but he’s the one who left them in there to hear your post, so if they drown, it’s totally his fault.

    amo’s last blog post..Just another day to Bonus

  44. ok, so you sent me a link to this post…well, you tweeted it and i stalk you on twitter…so anyway…the question is, am i really fucked up, or do you love me and want me to change?

    erin’s last blog post..so long, farewell…


    See, this happens to me a lot when I fight with my mom, except I play the part of Victor. (I mean the FIRST part happens to me when I fight with my mom. Not the boobs part.) And now I’m starting to be Victor with my boyfriends, so I understand it pretty well.

    Basically my mom wants me to apologize really sincerely and lovingly, but I’m still MAD. Because we were just FIGHTING. And that’s what fights are, two people who are mad at the other one for over-reacting.

    It’s not like I want to keep screaming at her either because that’s her thing, I don’t do that. I just want to go sulk, and then come back and apologize after I’ve had some time to think about how nice she are. But she’s all APOLOGIZE LIKE YOU MEAN IT and it’s the only way that I’m allowed to leave the room so I just say “I’m sorry” and I try to be only precisely as cold as she’ll allow me to be, all the while in my head I’m enraged that her feelings somehow count as so much more worthy and legitimate than mine and I’m not allowed to be angry.

    So I think you do have to let someone be angry. Maybe they’re WRONG to be angry, but if they’re a good person that you really like, they’re probably right some of the time too. And even if they ARE wrong, some people need a little time to cool down and realize that.

    Anyways, there’s your solution. You’re welcome!

  46. I’m sending this to someone I love who is fucked up and I want to change (isn’t that the definition of marriage?) just because of the title AND because I want them to compliment my boobs in a genuine fashion. They aren’t very good at acting, so I need to give them something they can be genuine about. Ok, it’s just one person.

    Also: dude, after ranting about – ok, *discussing* theblogess and thebloggress, who is theboggess? Is she the master of the fen? I would totally follow her on Twitter. I bet she’d be dirty. Or did I just miss something and am looking like a total tool? I’m ok with that.

    harmzie’s last blog post..10/07/02 12:45 – 7#7 – XX

  47. Everyone has it wrong about blind guy…that’s no hobo that “Skylar ” gay porn god. Made famous by fucking albino midgets. True story.

  48. Fighting is FUN. Am I right? It’s one of the reasons I got married. After I moved away from my siblings I realized: Wait a second. Every time I fight with a person they get really angry. I can’t say insanely hostile pointless things even at my very best friend and have them forget about it an hour later and then pay for my movie. The only solution was marriage.

    Of course, I had to marry the youngest child because I’m the oldest and if you are the oldest you have to marry someone young who eventually just gives in. Whatever you do, don’t marry the middle child–because they fight with the ferocity of Tasmanian Devils and plot their next move with the strategic cunning of Garry Kasparov. Which is great for practice and enjoyable once in a while but seriously exhausting.

    ozma’s last blog post..Crazy Dictator Month: Depressing Edition

  49. I love fighting with my boyfriend, and not just because it always ends with me making all the sense in the world and him saying “I feel like an asshole”, but also because the title of this entry always applies to us. I usually fucked up by losing my temper (not my fault he leaves the door open when I’m naked and I HAVE ROOMMATES) and then he wants to change me because I guess only irrational ladies slam doors when they’re NAKED and there’s ROOMMATES. Cause then they came out right after I slammed the door, so I think I made my point.

    Samantha’s last blog post..Blow jobs can only happen on HIS birthday, because we have to hold the power somehow. And being on top just gets exhausting after a while.

  50. When my husband gets tired of fighting, he likes to break me by looking at me with big eyes and saying, “How does a penguin walk?” Which initially pisses me off, but who can stay mad at a grown man running after you, flapping his arms and yelling, “Hooow does a penguin waaaalk?” Which is why our fights usually end with BOTH of us running around the living room, flapping our arms, and the neighbors gathering around our window.

  51. i have been known to get absolutely pissed off at my husband for not knowing the answer to my question but then 10 seconds later giving an answer that he thinks is the reason … but i don’t care anymore because if he MAYBE had an answer than he should have said that answer in the first place … preferably by stating … “i’m not sure if i know the answer to your question, but i think it might be … blah blah blah.”
    he really should just ask my opinion before talking about anything.
    and fighting at our house … we now box each other on the wii to solve all of our problems. which works out great for me because he hasn’t won yet. my 5 year old, stella, gave me the inside scoop. aim for up high by his head and down low by his penis. it works. everytime. he has yet to beat either of us.

    jen’s last blog post..by the numbers.

  52. I feel you, like 4 years ago when we went and saw the movie the breakup and jen is all, “I want you to want to do this dishes” I was all like, exactly. ANd my husband thought that was crazy but I understood it perfectly. An “I guess I am sorry for upsetiing you,” does not fucking cut it, and I don’t want an “I’m sorry” because you don’t want to fight anymore, I want one because you realize you’re being a prick. The husband does not think it matters, that is when I want to go all stabby on him.

    mountainmomma18’s last blog post..I would yell “Hey 5-0? but I don’t think she would get it.

  53. As a Lesbian I can really identify with men at times and what they have to deal with. Men are easy, they don’t want to yada, yada, yada, about a lot of shit. Sex, food, outside time and life is good for men. A man will never say, “Let’s process our relationship.” And when we’re done processing the relationship, let’s process the process. Let’s face it if men had boobs they’d be perfect. Real boobs, not man boobs, or Pamela Anderson you bite them to hard they spring a leak boobs. Okay, I’m done now.

    Cedarflame’s last blog post..Hits, Runs and Errors

  54. I gotta say, when I saw “thebogess.com” I totally pictured some sort of crazed swamp creature wearing lipstick and acrylic fingernails. Which totally has nothing to do with this post, but a Bogess would be pretty awesome.

    Sarah’s last blog post..Why Music Moves Us (Scientific American)

  55. I don’t get what the blind guy has to do with your irrational feelings and Victor’s firmly grounded rationality. Your posts are too hard.

    Black Hockey Jesus’s last blog post..Friday Crossroads

  56. Damn, @flutter took my line. As a fellow man, I feel that it is extremely hard to not look at someones tits, especially if they are looking great today!

    Jim Gaudet’s last blog post..Costa Rica Mountains in the Morning | Photos

  57. I’m pretty sure the flies on your walls have learned how to pronounce “fuck”. And, do they have texting in Braille? Man, am I out of the loop. I just learned how to take photos with my phone.

    Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..So, Do You Feel Lucky Punk?

  58. I hate to say this, but given that that guy is LOOKING at his phone as he texts… are you so sure he’s realy blind?

    kittenpie’s last blog post..Lost Boy

  59. i recently had a similar argument with my ball and chain…but he did not try to grab my boobs, i think i would have been happier if he did, consider yourself lucky

    dina’s last blog post..Dancing With Words

  60. Everytime you wrote “beggar” I read “blogger” and I was all “how many armless legless blind bloggers does the bloggess know! SERIOUSLY”

    deidre’s last blog post..Tofu the other other OTHER white meat.

  61. You think that because he’s wearing glasses and has a cane that he’s actually blind? He’s in NEW YORK.

    Ken’s last blog post..Saturday Free Speech Roundup

  62. Lady, you are perhaps the funniest damn person I have ever heard of in my life. Thank you for bringing a little of your own dysfunction to the table to make mine seem a tad more normal and acceptable.

    Shawna’s last blog post..Cough, Sneeze, Piss, Puke and Piss some more.

  63. Going to NYC in a few months, I’ll keep an eye out for him and give him another dollar for you! And it will only cost you $1.50, interest, carrying charges, etc. I’m pretty reasonable.

    Donna Hansen’s last blog post..Let the Games Begin

  64. Smiles, giggles, and guffaws…all the way through! You make me laugh out loud *Every.Single.Time*. Thank you!!

    Fledgling Poet’s last blog post..One Single Impression: Thinking

  65. You are so lucky that the S word even exists in Victor’s vocabulary, genuinely or not. I would kill for a man who would grab my boobs when he’s trying to make up with me.

    Catazon’s last blog post..Hitting a Car was the Highlight of My Week

  66. Ah yes, it’s all about the compromise. I kind of chuckled when you said he grabbed your boobs. Speaking of bums, I ran into a bum the other day and his side said “Hungry, Homeless and Ugly”. I had to give him $20!!!

  67. 67
    Leo the Leo

    Hell, we all look at boobs (they’re the eight & ninth wonders of the world, after all, especially if they’re big & beautiful) but Victor should only be grabbing them at the right time. He should ask The Most Interesting Man in the World. He’d tell him.

  68. […] out.  you wonder if, either way, you’ll actually do the right thing.  you read a post like this and you go, yeah, jenny, tell him. tell that holographic husband of yours to do it right. and then, […]

  69. It’s not so much discrimination as it is profiling. Either way, I think it’s awesome that he regained his sight in time to send someone a text. Maybe your dollar contribution brought about a miracle.

    apathy lounge’s last blog post..My Week At Camp –OR– Seven Days Without Wine

  70. You’re sort of a genius, aren’t you?

  71. I’d be much more concerned about this post if I wasn’t convinced that Victor was a figment of her imagination

  72. I gotta say, I can see both sides here, but I couldn’t make an official decision without more information about what started it all. Mostly I just wish I could see the side with the boobs.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..IL to ME Odyssey: New York through Maine

  73. Maybe he was testing a new smartphone… touch screen with braille!

    Besides, who says he’s trying to make people believe he’s blind? Lots of non-blind people wear those huge sunglasses and carry around walking sticks… granted they are usually over the age of 85, but still…

    Abby’s last blog post..#27 – Day 221: For the birds…

  74. I was going to blog about me & my hubby’s fight today, instead I’m just going to tell them to visit this site for the play-by-play description.
    Oh, and I once saw a chinese monk texting on a cell phone in an airport. It was oddly comforting to know they get all addicted to twitter and such, too.

  75. omfg, I laughed so hard I cried because this is how it goes at our house sometimes too, except it usually doesn’t last for 8 hours because I think we are older than you and Victor, and my husband hates to waste time on the “potential” make-up sex thing, since you never know when you might die, so let’s just get too it, which is why I’m here to tell you that the fights do get easier after 16 years, because he’s just like, “damn I’m super genuinely sorry,” within like, maybe 10 minutes now. But otherwise it is the same. Except I think your boobs are bigger than mine, but he claims that doesn’t really matter. So it’s the same.

    juliejulie’s last blog post..Running Around with a 25 Year Old CEO

  76. LMAO… I just love it!!! And the blind texting guy!

    Cyn D Alvarado’s last blog post..Tick, Tock

  77. Yeah… for some reason this post reminds me of a conversation that I had with my not-soon-enough-to-be-ex when I went today to find my 6th Harry Potter book (which was mysteriously missing… almost as if he KNEW I would want to read it again right before the movie and hid it… which he swears he didn’t, but when have I ever believed his lying ass??). So he is laying in bed, which is really lame because it was like 4pm, and he says, “So… do you ever miss sex?” My reply is yes, because I am a human being and not a robot and it has been 6 months. Then he says, “Well, if you ever want to… you know… with no emotion…” I’m like… You are retarded. I am not going to have sex with you.

    Wait… what was I talking about? Oh yeah… he is retarded. I just like to say that.

    I like the story, speaking of blind/limbless/gimpy hobos, my dad tells about the blind guy that came to my grandfather’s house asking for money. My grandfather opened the door with a shotgun, and the guy took off running. I guess it was “temporary blindness.” He should have paid my grandpa for curing him!

    Sorry for the ramble. Victor was wrong, and you were right. I don’t remember what the fight was about, but I am pretty sure that is the way the world works. Always.

    Elizabeth’s last blog post..Woman in the Mirror

  78. If my hubby were named Victor, I’d swear we had the same husband, and then we could BOTH yell at him for the same reason. But he’s not, so Victor must be some sort of long-lost twin/seperated at birth from my hubby, because I swear to GOD – mine uses the same fucking words and totally does the boobs/ass thing. And why don’t they get the whole “hold me, love me and this could be so much easier” thing?
    Damn, you make me laugh.

  79. While I sympathize with the plight of the blind/disabled/limbless of the world, I refuse to give a dollar to anyone who is dressed better than me…and has a nicer phone.

  80. How did you get the script from my fucking weekend!?!?

    You have an in with the leprechauns that are spying on my house, don’t you?!?

    Aimee Greeblemonkey’s last blog post..Lunch Chat 7: Emotional Chopping

  81. Wow. You sound hard to apologize to. Especially for a sex columnist. You sound like my girl of a husband (aka “Blueza” in situations like this) “Blue” personalities are hard to apologize to (unless you’re “Blue” lol). GIVE US AN EFFING SECOND TO ACTUALLY FEEL SORRY BEFORE YOU EXPECT US TO MEAN IT AND SOUND BELIEVABLE! And by a second, I sometimes mean give me enough time to stab a table, hide in the closet, forget why I got mad, and then come out and apologize. That is what I mean. If I need to apologize, Rob acts like you. If Rob needs to apologize, all he has to do is stare at my boobs. Then I’m like. Oh what? You like my boobs? Yah. You do. Then I forget he needed to apologize. Which doesn’t even matter anyway, since he’s perfect at apologizing 🙁 I’m done commenting on your blog post now. Thanks for linking to me BTW. I’m wishing my Blog name started with “A” instead of “K” now, but still! Thanks. 🙂 K bye.

    Jones – Keeping Up With Mom’s last blog post..Mom’s Who Make It Conference – ALMOST SOLD OUT!

  82. It must be tough fighting with someone named “Victor” — how could you possibly win?

    Brutalism’s last blog post..Well, I’m Sure They Do Need To Be Laundered Pretty Regularly

  83. She wins because she’s damn good in bed. Not that I know from experience, but that I’ve read about previous fights which she has also won. There’s just no effin’ way she’s not good in bed and still wins all of the fights.

    Bloggess, you go get ’em tiger.

    ps. I know you’re all like “this comment is really crude and slightly offensive because why the eff is this girl all up in my bed life” and I just wanted to let you know I’m all like “because if you really took offense to this comment you have problems. Kinda like Capt. Charlie Brown probably has name identity problems, but taking offense to being good in bed is def not as bad as identity problems .”

    pps. I actually don’t remember if Charlie was a Captain. But I bet he hated football nonetheless. And silly boys named Linus. That’s because he probably has name identity problems.

    ppps. my favorite beggars ARE albino midgets. I don’t have a favorite albino midget, but they’re still my fav. that’s all I’m sayin’.

  84. 84

    My friend’s husband used to act like a stop-action animation dinosaur when she got bitchy.

  85. Please give Victor a break. PICTURES of your boobs distract me, I would imagine that the real things are downright hypnotic.

  86. I could really relate to that, “Don’t feel my boobs” part.

  87. I’d like to see that fake blind guy kung fu fighting with the crazy blind hellen keller karate cat.

  88. One of my favorite posts ever. And I totally want to send it to people because it’s so funny, but I don’t want them to think they fucked up, or that I love them. I just want to share the funny.

    Katie’s last blog post..Maybe Britney wasn’t crazy, y’all.

  89. This is EXACTLY what happens when we fight too! I am sending this to my husband so he knows forevermore just want I mean when I tell him to apologize GENUINELY. I don’t understand why they can’t just GET that! Geez! 🙂

  90. Maybe he wasn’t a beggar? Just saying. Maybe he was a Market Researcher and you’ve made him a dollar richer.

    BOSSY’s last blog post..All You Need To Know: Coffee Energy Drink Giveaway.

  91. I saw a movie one time where a girl had eyeballs in her nipples. *shudder*

    The worst part is that I picked it myself and nobody even forced, cajoled or heckled me into watching it.

  92. In Victor’s defense, boobs kick ass. Does he have a blog? I can see it now: “I don’t know what her fucking problem is, I totally grabbed her boobs and apologized for whatever it was she was pissed about. Women.”

    MayoPie’s last blog post..This post is not about vaginas

  93. I can’t believe I’m going to do this…

    Victor’s apology was fucked up. A non-apology. It’s the kind of apology athletes give when they were caught doing something wrong. “I’m sorry if you were injured when my fist hit your face.” As in, the fist hitting the face wasn’t the problem, it was the other guy’s inclination to being damaged when fists hit his face. Like it’s the other guys fault for being so easily injured.

    The correct form of the apology is not “Sorry if what I said offended you.” It’s “I’m sorry for being offensive.”

    Having said that, dude isn’t wrong all the time. He just apologizes because he likes your vagina. So don’t ever put your vagina into the bet in a poker game or let it go base jumping. Or bum fighting. Because if you ever lose your vagina? Pretty sure you’re going to see a lot fewer apologies from Victor.

  94. Would it have been better if Victor had called them “tatas?” How ’bout “funbags?”

    I just need to know for the next time I get in a fight with my wife.

    Thank you.

  95. I swear if I had a bigger – or any – cupsize I would win every fight.

    Carolyn Online’s last blog post..A Wikkid good trip to New England. Part Two.

  96. I think God gave women boobs because he knew we’d always be right but that men wouldn’t admit it unless their boob-feeling-up privileges were on the line. See? God knows that you’re right, Jenny.

    ajnabi’s last blog post..Monday Eye Candy, or, Fighting the Post-Lunch Drowse

  97. OMG! I totally nominate MonsteRawr for comment of the day. I still cannot stop laughing… but don’t tell my husband or I will never win an argument again.

    “Hooow does a penguin waaalk”…dying…seriously…dying

  98. Totally not related to this post, but I wanted to give you a head’s up thatthey’re coming for you, because I care deeply.

    Jeff’s last blog post..Blast from the past

  99. I’m still hung up on the blind guy texting. Was his name Eddie?

  100. By the way the blind guy was Braille-ing. It’s all the rage with youngsters.

    William’s last blog post..Frankie Pickle

  101. Blind guy texting totally made my day.
    Except I kind of want to punch him, too.
    Maybe it’s the shirt.

    sweatpantsmom’s last blog post..This is what I did last month, besides fill out forms

  102. […] not calling each other terrible curse words that usually people reserve for genitals. BTW fights? I read the Bloggess this week and it hit close to home. But anyway, we had a date night, and I planned six courses. But we were too full after the lobster […]

  103. 103
    Sue Morton

    Near the end…after all the drama, you write: “so I just say them for him in my head.” I wonder what would happen if you tried to make his apology sound right. Please try it next time and let us know how it goes.

  104. 104
    Lady Penelope

    If anyone tried to grab my boobs mid-argument they’d lose the arm…

  105. I think those guys are actors who are part of a scavenger hunt you can go on with a date. I was confused the first time I saw something like that when I moved to NYC, though lol. I figured it out from a flyer, I guess they know who ‘paid admission’ to play by some kind of blue hat or other item. It might be different elsewhere. I sat right next to him and pretended like I was playing, too, but didn’t talk to him lol. All that aside, you and Victor remind me so much of me and my husband that these arguments are hilarious and totally depressing, somehow at the same time, because my brain is broken.

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