Lunch conversation I had with Victor yesterday:
Me: So my friend Rob says he’s having problems selling his book because no one’s buying anything unless it has teenage vampires in it.
Victor: Huh.
Me: So I’m going to add a whole chapter in my book about sexy teenage vampires.
Victor: You’re going to add a chapter about teenage vampires in your memoirs?
Me: Sexy teenage vampires.
Victor: That’s pretty much the dumbest idea ever. Besides, teen vamps are big this year but your book won’t be done this year. You’ve been working on it for like five years now and you still haven’t finished it.
Me: I see your point. So I need to come up with what will be hot in like 2012.
Victor: That wasn’t my point at all.
Me: OH MY GOD!
Victor: Uh, we’re actually not alone in this restaurant. Could you maybe keep it down?
Me: I JUST TOTALLY CAME UP WITH A GREAT IDEA FOR A BOOK.
Victor: People are staring at you. Seriously, how does that not bother you?
Me: Okay, so this year it’s all about vampires, right? And next year it will probably be werewolves. But I’m totally going to write a book about cereal box monsters.
Victor: Wha…?
Me: But set in the past BACK WHEN THEY WERE SEXY TEENAGE CEREAL BOX MONSTERS.
Victor: This is exactly why people don’t like to go to lunch with you.
Me: No seriously, like Count Chocula, and Frankenberry, and that mummy guy that I can’t remember the name of. Except, were there any girl cereal monsters? Because I definitely need a love interest.
Victor: I think the Cocoa Pebbles thing was a girl.
Me: What? Ew. Cocoa Pebbles was a baby caveman. What the hell is wrong with you?
Victor: Oh, I meant Cocoa Puffs. That bird who was always cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs
Me: Okay, first of all? You can’t have Count Chocula screwing a damn bird. And secondly I’m pretty sure the bird was a dude. No one’s going to be able to relate to a romance between a corpsey chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover. I’m not even sure if that’s legal in America.
Victor: I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation. Could you please use your inside voice?
Me: Wait, what about Frankenberry? Frankenberry was a ghost, and ghosts can be girls, right?
Victor: Frankenberry was a Frankenstein.
Me: No. I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure it was a ghost.
Victor: Who’s the last ghost you saw that had bolts sticking out of the side of its neck?
Me: Oh, right. Well then who was the ghost? Wasn’t there some asexual ghost cereal?
Victor: No.
Me: BOOBERRY!
Victor: Seriously, I will walk out right now.
Me: Sorry. Booberry. That was the ghost. I wonder if she was related to Frankenberry? Like maybe she’s his little sister?
Victor: Booberry was a boy.
Me: No way. Boo is totally a girls name.
Victor: What?
Me: Like Boo Radley. Beloved female character from one of the best books of all time? And also apparently the name of my main character from my upcoming book about cereal box teen angst. It’s like the ghost of the chick who wrote To Kill a Mockingbird is ASKING me to write this thing.
Victor: I’m pretty sure that’s not happening. Plus, Boo was a guy in To Kill a Mockingbird. Scout was the girl.
Me: Are you trying to destroy my book?
Victor: You know, I always thought the count from Sesame Street and Count Chocula were the same guy.
Me: No way. Sesame Street’s Count was all fat from sucking blood but Count Chocula was skinny because he didn’t want to eat you and would rather starve himself than drink your blood. And he wanted you to have a healthy breakfast. That’s why I loved him. Because his angst was so palpable.
Victor: He wasn’t really “skinny” as much as he was “pointy”.
Me: He was pointy with LOVE. …Oh my God, that would make a great title.
Victor: I’m not eating lunch with you anymore.
Me: It’s going to be a sexy teenage cereal box character coma-drama-rama. That’s my new word for something that’s half comedy, half drama, half romance.
Victor: (with his face in his hands) That adds up to one and a half.
Me: I KNOW it adds up to one and a half. THAT’S HOW BAD-ASS THIS BOOK IS GOING TO BE.
Victor: I’m going to be supporting you forever, aren’t I?
Me: Probably.
Comment of the day: Booberry is totally a girl – the word boob is in her name. ~ Jessi