You know how on Sundays I do a week-in-review about all the shit that happened to me that I didn’t write about here but then sometimes I forget to do it and instead I do it at the beginning of the current week and it gives everyone a headache? That just happened again. Honestly, I need an intern to help me with this stuff. I’d be all “Intern, I need to know what animal has claws and is scary but also has a funny name. Something with at least two syllables. And it can’t start with an “n” because it’s going to fight a ninja and I don’t want them to have matching names. Like, I’m thinking ‘bear’ except ‘bear’ doesn’t sing, you know? Is there a bear that has more than one syllable in it’s name? Like “polar bear”, maybe? Hang on. Polar bear totally works. So never mind about that. Scratch that off your list. Next assignment: Find out if there was ever a cowboy-monkey that rode around on a dog in a Dairy Queen commercial. I say it wasn’t a Dairy Queen commercial but Victor insists it was and he says that the lack of proof about it on the internet isn’t proof of non-existence so I need you to find a way to prove something that never actually happened. But be careful because that sounds like the kind of thing that could start a worm-hole.” And that’s exactly why I need an intern. Because instead I spent all morning tracking down the monkey myself and sending him emails. No response so far, by the way. I think that monkey needs an intern too. Totally lost? That’s why you should be reading me on twitter, y’all. Because then this would all make sense. Unless you read the monkey saga on twitter and didn’t understand it then either. Then I apologize for wasting your time. I will have my intern send you a dollar. When I get an intern. And a dollar. But now, onto the recap:
Last week in real life:
- I got this in the mail:
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Um...what? - The envelope is a gin advertisement ripped out of a magazine. No return address. Sent by “air mail”. The whole thing was covered in clear tape, probably to keep all the anthrax inside. Then when I finally got it open I found a piece of cardstock that had a picture of me with glitter glued to my curlers, paint and rhinestones on it, and my name glued to the side. And part of me thought it was very sweet that someone sent me this anonymous art work from overseas but the part of me that has an anxiety disorder assumed it was some sort of threat. Victor said that most threats aren’t pink and covered with glitter but technically if I was going to send someone a threat that’s how I’d do it because you hardly ever get arrested for sending a glittery index card with rhinestone hearts glued to it. That’s why I put it next to my computer and obsessed over it for like 4 days while I waited to die from anthrax poisoning, and on the 5th day I started picking apart pieces of the collage to see if there were any clues underneath and Victor was all “Dude. It’s a piece of paper, not the fucking Da Vinci Code” but right then it popped open and turns out it was actually a card that must’ve gotten glued shut during the collaging process. Which was a relief because inside was a very nice note from a charming British woman who just wanted me to check out her blog. Also, a direct quote from the card: “If you fuck this up you could potentially, single-handedly be responsible for the escape of up to 500 thieves, fraudsters and murderers. I hope I have made myself clear.” Victor says that what written inside the card was technically more disturbing than if it had remained sealed but obviously he doesn’t have my talent for imagination. Anyway, huge relief. Also, I don’t have anthrax yet. Yay me!
Last week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a total a-hole):
Last week on the internets:
- I made it on the front page of Salon.com for like a minute. And it was awesome. Also, according to one commenter, I’m probably a troubled, gay, impassioned activist. I only knew about the “troubled” part. Conclusion: Salon.com is educational.
Last week on my mommy blog on the Houston Chronicle:
Last week on shit-I-didn’t-write-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
- “Oh, Helloooooooo“
- “I like penguins. You rarely hear of them savaging people. Because they’re cunning.“
- I don’t understand this but it’s fucking fantastic.
Coming soon: I’m leaving for Japan. No really. Japan. Like, in a few days. Victor asked if I was packed and I was all “No. But I made a banner!” Then he walked off kind of disgusted. Probably because he doesn’t understand the importance of banners. And because I think he realized it took me like 8 hours to make it and so that’s why I didn’t clean the house again. Which is precisely why I need an intern. One that’s good at making banners and living in my hall-tree.
More on this Japan stuff later. Unless I get distracted. In which case I’ll just go missing for awhile and people will think Victor stabbed me. Which, if we’re being honest, is probably going to happen no matter what Country we’re in.
Comment of the day: Okay, so, here’s the thing. I’m sure there are eleventy thousand other people who are going to be all “I’LL BE YOUR INTERN,” but fuck that. I’m going to be the best intern in the galaxy (See what I did there? I just up and decided that I’m going to be your intern. Because that’s what interns do, they’re helpful and they anticipate your needs and bring you a cookie in the shape of a giant vagina when you’re having a bad day because who doesn’t love chocolate chip labia?) And the answer to your question is a falcon, because they have claws and a two syllable name that doesn’t begin with the letter “n” and are scary as hell because things that can fly are scary and they’d put up the best fight for a ninja because ninjas like to be stealthy and falcons are known for their insane vision and in fact, one species of falcon has even been found to have a visual acuity of 2.6 times that of a normal human.
PS – You better believe I just researched falcons for you.
PPS – I have absolutely no idea what “visual acuity” means, but I could find out. Or I could just MAKE IT UP. Either way, you win.
PPPS – I should probably send this entire comment to you in an email as well, in case you don’t read all of your comments due to how overwhelmingly busy and in need of an intern you are.
PPPS – My next job as your intern is getting you to read this list of 10 Extraordinarily Useful Japanese Phrases for Travelers. Particularly #3, which translates to: “Oops! I meant to fart but poop came out.” Yeah, you’re welcome. ~ nicole antoinette