In all honesty, you’d probably be better off skipping this post.

"Other shit I did this week." ~ Translation, in case you don't read Dracula.

"Other shit I did this week." (Translation, in case you don't read Dracula.)

You know how on Sundays I do a week-in-review about all the shit that happened to me that I didn’t write about here but then sometimes I forget to do it and instead I do it at the beginning of the current week and it gives everyone a headache?  That just happened again.  Honestly, I need an intern to help me with this stuff.  I’d be all “Intern, I need to know what animal has claws and is scary but also has a funny name.  Something with at least two syllables.  And it can’t start with an “n” because it’s going to fight a ninja and I don’t want them to have matching names.  Like, I’m thinking ‘bear’ except ‘bear’ doesn’t sing, you know?  Is there a bear that has more than one syllable in it’s name?  Like “polar bear”, maybe?  Hang on. Polar bear totally works. So never mind about that.  Scratch that off your list.  Next assignment:  Find out if there was ever a cowboy-monkey that rode around on a dog in a Dairy Queen commercial.  I say it wasn’t a Dairy Queen commercial but Victor insists it was and he says that the lack of proof about it on the internet isn’t proof of non-existence so I need you to find a way to prove something that never actually happened.  But be careful because that sounds like the kind of thing that could start a worm-hole.”  And that’s exactly why I need an intern.  Because instead I spent all morning tracking down the monkey myself and sending him emails.  No response so far, by the way.  I think that monkey needs an intern too.  Totally lost?  That’s why you should be reading me on twitter, y’all.  Because then this would all make sense. Unless you read the monkey saga on twitter and didn’t understand it then either.  Then I apologize for wasting your time.  I will have my intern send you a dollar.  When I get an intern.  And a dollar.  But now, onto the recap:

Last week in real life:

  • I got this in the mail:
  • Um...what?


  • The envelope is a gin advertisement ripped out of a magazine.  No return address.  Sent by “air mail”.  The whole thing was covered in clear tape, probably to keep all the anthrax inside.  Then when I finally got it open I found a piece of cardstock that had a picture of me with glitter glued to my curlers, paint and rhinestones on it, and my name glued to the side.  And part of me thought it was very sweet that someone sent me this anonymous art work from overseas but the part of me that has an anxiety disorder assumed it was some sort of threat.  Victor said that most threats aren’t pink and covered with glitter but technically if I was going to send someone a threat that’s how I’d do it because you hardly ever get arrested for sending a glittery index card with rhinestone hearts glued to it.  That’s why I put it next to my computer and obsessed over it for like 4 days while I waited to die from anthrax poisoning, and on the 5th day I started picking apart pieces of the collage to see if there were any clues underneath and Victor was all “Dude.  It’s a piece of paper, not the fucking Da Vinci Code” but right then it popped open and turns out it was actually a card that must’ve gotten glued shut during the collaging process.  Which was a relief because inside was a very nice note from a charming British woman who just wanted me to check out her blog.  Also, a direct quote from the card: “If you fuck this up you could potentially, single-handedly be responsible for the escape of up to 500 thieves, fraudsters and murderers. I hope I have made myself clear.”  Victor says that what written inside the card was technically more disturbing than if it had remained sealed but obviously he doesn’t have my talent for imagination.  Anyway, huge relief.  Also, I don’t have anthrax yet.  Yay me!

    Last week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a total a-hole):

    Last week on the internets:

    Last week on my mommy blog on the Houston Chronicle:

    Last week on shit-I-didn’t-write-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

    Coming soon: I’m leaving for Japan.  No really.  Japan.  Like, in a few days.  Victor asked if I was packed and I was all “No.  But I made a banner!”  Then he walked off kind of disgusted.  Probably because he doesn’t understand the importance of banners.  And because I think he realized it took me  like 8 hours to make it and so that’s why I didn’t clean the house again. Which is precisely why I need an intern.  One that’s good at making banners and living in my hall-tree.


    More on this Japan stuff later.  Unless I get distracted.  In which case I’ll just go missing for awhile and people will think Victor stabbed me.  Which, if we’re being honest, is probably going to happen no matter what Country we’re in.

    Comment of the day: Okay, so, here’s the thing. I’m sure there are eleventy thousand other people who are going to be all “I’LL BE YOUR INTERN,” but fuck that. I’m going to be the best intern in the galaxy (See what I did there? I just up and decided that I’m going to be your intern. Because that’s what interns do, they’re helpful and they anticipate your needs and bring you a cookie in the shape of a giant vagina when you’re having a bad day because who doesn’t love chocolate chip labia?) And the answer to your question is a falcon, because they have claws and a two syllable name that doesn’t begin with the letter “n” and are scary as hell because things that can fly are scary and they’d put up the best fight for a ninja because ninjas like to be stealthy and falcons are known for their insane vision and in fact, one species of falcon has even been found to have a visual acuity of 2.6 times that of a normal human.

    PS – You better believe I just researched falcons for you.
    PPS – I have absolutely no idea what “visual acuity” means, but I could find out. Or I could just MAKE IT UP. Either way, you win.
    PPPS – I should probably send this entire comment to you in an email as well, in case you don’t read all of your comments due to how overwhelmingly busy and in need of an intern you are.
    PPPS – My next job as your intern is getting you to read
    this list of 10 Extraordinarily Useful Japanese Phrases for Travelers. Particularly #3, which translates to: “Oops! I meant to fart but poop came out.” Yeah, you’re welcome. ~ nicole antoinette

    (This wrap-up sponsored by casino online.)

    105 replies. read them below or add one

    1. I wouldn’t have come to dinner either. But meet you in Japan? THAT I could handle….
      .-= Amber’s Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck´s last blog ..Pumpkin Lovers Unite (and indulge in my recipes) =-.

    2. Your stalkers are getting way more creative. I mean I just made a video with a stuffed dog. When people take time to use glitter and jewels… that shows REAL passion.
      .-= Steph´s last blog ..Blog World 2009 A VLOG =-.

    3. I would totally be your minion (or intern, whichever) — except I couldn’t really run errands or do anything useful that couldn’t be accomplished from inside of a computer, since there’s the whole living-thousands-of-miles-away-from-each-other issue. But, really, can’t everything pretty much be accomplished from inside of a computer these days…?
      .-= Miss B´s last blog ..Crayola Fun-Pack =-.

    4. I am not qualified to stalk you, as I could never top the glittery card air-mailed in a taped-up advert for gin, so why even try?

      However, 500 escaping fraudsters / thieves / murders sounds like a potentially amusing scenario, so it’s basically sort of OK if you’re single-handedly responsible for it. It could be … interesting, to say the least. Like that curse about living in interesting times and whatnot. So don’t worry! You’re in Texas so you’re armed to the teeth right?
      .-= dotlizard´s last blog ..dystonia is a tragedy. but so is preventable death due to fear and misinformation. =-.

    5. the glued and stuck cutouts are creepily like Silence of Lambs. I think. I may have the wrong movie. But in any case, it’s way creepy. That’s like celebrity stalker stuff. I would have been even more freaked out, probably because that much more of it me has an anxiety disorder.

    6. You mean, like the country that lives in the future? If so, can you tell me what the weather will be like in January?
      .-= bea´s last blog ..Swim, then run, then bike, then collapse (Life List: an update) =-.

    7. Is Victor not going? That’s probably why he’s bent. You forgot to hire the intern to feed your kid for a few days so he could practice his mojo on the Japanese chicks.
      .-= Jessica´s last blog ..the neighborhood hates us =-.

    8. Oh Jenny. I’ll be your intern, OK?
      .-= Ruth Dynamite´s last blog ..Not Dead Yet =-.

    9. Is your address just floating around the internet? Because if not, you should totally get a PO box and post the address. I bet you would get some really creepy stuff.

      And by that I mean I’d send you some really creepy stuff.

      It may or may not be a light up grill. Yes, I actually own one.

      (that one’s already been in my mouth, but I’ll totally spring to get you another one. It’s only like 3 or 5 dollars anyway.)

      You have been warned.
      .-= Maxie´s last blog ..Win Some Starbucks Swag! =-.

    10. Oh, I get it: now that you’ve viewed her site you have 24 hours to get someone else to view her site or else you die. And now all of us who clicked the link have 24 hours. OH MY GOD WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
      .-= Swistle´s last blog ..Reader Question: Sleep Issues 2 =-.

    11. Sadly, I’m actually not creative enough to have made even that lovely bit of construction paper and glue you received there in the mail. But the envelope? Genius, that woman should totally go into business making stationery and shit out of recycled materials. Recycled materials where you can still tell what it once was. The business would blow up. Totally. She’d be a damn millionaire.

      Good luck in Japan with whatever you’re doing there. You don’t need wigs there, just dress like a Geisha the whole time. No one will suspect a thing.
      .-= Amy´s last blog ..Because Titmouse is obviously a girl’s name… =-.

    12. Japan sounds awesome.
      .-= Jessica @ How Sweet It Is´s last blog ..Chunky Fire-Roasted Chili. =-.

    13. i played a lot of diner dash today. is the picture on top blurry or is it just my diner dashed out eyes? and the one on the bottom, i think it says you are taking me to japan. which is awesome. how many shoes should i pack?
      .-= erin´s last blog ..not me! =-.

    14. I love the Japan inspired masthead. Awesomeness.

      Which reminds me… in Japan, they have Colonel Saunders statues outside their KFC’s… dressed in Samurai Warrior outfits. Look at this fine example:

      I know… you’re welcome.
      .-= Karen ´s last blog ..Normal people read on the toilet. My child develops plot lines. =-.

    15. I heard a story this week about a bear on ice skates that mauled his ice skate trainer to death, which was hilarious to me because getting killed by a bear on ice skates is the most absurd way to die I have ever heard of.

      No reason for this comment, I’m just telling everyone.

      Furthermore, if I was going to threaten someone, I would do it by singing telegram for two reasons:

      1) I’m classy
      2) Jazz hands
      .-= Imnotbenny´s last blog ..I saw a sign on the side of the road yesterday that said "Lost: Canoe." =-.

    16. I so want to go to Japan with you and….just watch.
      .-= peedee´s last blog ..Happy Halloween! =-.

    17. Hey I have an intern! If by “intern” you mean “young child”! AND I have a dollar! If by “dollar” you mean “leprosy”!
      Wait a minute, I don’t really have leprosy! Shit I just let the whole internet think I have leprosy! How popular are you anyway? I mean, besides your creepy, card sending, pscho-stalker from “over seas” (which I know for a fact is prison lingo for “in your house”) does anyone read this thing? I mean should I scan a test or something to prove I’m healthy? Does leprosy even exist in todays world or is it just some made up thing from the bible?
      Ok, I totally know the answer to that, it’s just the leprosy makes me kind of dumb sometimes!
      I mean.. SHIT!
      .-= Chrysalis´s last blog ..Hi ho, Hi ho… =-.

    18. So, wait. I made the Farm Team, but not even the long list (let alone the short list) for “Intern”? Tell me how that happens?
      Better yet, I’LL tell YOU how that happens. Because that’s what a good intern would do. And I’m banking on you not even having MADE a long list yet, so let’s call this my application.
      Obviously, you DO have anthrax, and it’s affecting your memory.
      So relax, forget all about long lists, and short lists, and running my background check, and send me the blog admin password so I can post the “My Intern Has Goatherding Experience” post.
      Look at that. I’m one efficient intern.
      When you send the passwords, let me know what to pack for Japan, mmkay?
      .-= WaltzInExile´s last blog ..Things-I’m-Not Thursday =-.

    19. You going to Japan kind of makes me want to send you threatening, glittery fan/hate mail. In other words, I’m jealous and good for you.

      By the way, I can’t believe he made you research the monkey commercial. I’m pretty sure that’s emotional abuse.
      .-= Sarah´s last blog ..With the thoughts you’d be thinkin’, you could be another Lincoln =-.

    20. Dude. That monkey cowboy thing was not Dairy Queen. It was Taco Johns. And if you already know this, can you at least pretend my answer was a surprise? I love that freaking commercial. His name is “Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey.” Which would be a great rock band name.
      .-= Marymurtz´s last blog ..The Luckiest Worm Ever =-.

    21. Holy crap! I am TOTALLY mentioned in that photo caption! How awesome! Except you forgot to link to me. So maybe it was an accident. Oh never mind. Japan is awesome too, I guess.
      .-= Lesley @ Um…What??´s last blog ..Before I Was Like Charles Schulz But Now I’m Just Like Atreyu* Only Instead Of A Luck Dragon I’m Stuck Here With A Mostly-Dead Porcupine =-.

    22. Hey for all our mental instability… why don’t you just write for ONE or two blogs… I can’t keep my favorites straight with all the weird links you have… I just can’t keep up….

      I feel like you’ve got your fingers on the wrong keys, like one key over from where they belong… i can’t follow you unless I wake up in the middle of the night and read your blogssss….

      Have fun in the Orient… p.s. they speak funny there… so be ready !

    23. Don’t worry about missing your recap on Sunday. I’ve been reading your blog about 3 months and I never figured out when it was supposed to be on the site… I looked at it as a present, or at least an easier way to get to your other websites since I refuse to bookmark you that many times. Because that would just make me look a little obsessive and stalkerish (Which according to Firefox isn’t a real word). Hopefully, you get the idea.

      About me not being a stalker, which of course sounds creepy. It’s like saying your not the one who farted. Everyone knows it was you and not the cat. But this time it really was the cat, because I’m not a stalker.

      I’m gonna stop now. Thanks for the recap and have a great time in Japan.
      .-= Brianna´s last blog ..How to Peel or Eat a Pomegrante =-.

    24. Do you have a passport? Because they get testy if you don’t and just remember, you will be the tallest person there. Have fun!!!!

    25. Seriously, I’m your new Canadian intern.
      You have to let me or I’ll send you cards full of maple syrup and bacon and you’ll never get anything done.

      And bears might attack you.

      Email me any intern request that can be carried out from here.


      PS: I don’t do cigars though, even if it is what you freaky Americans are into.
      .-= Legs´s last blog ..That’s some quick work… =-.

    26. I am soooo glad that dude on clued me in on the real you. Here I was reading all this propaganda and thinking you were funny and entertaining. But now I see that somehow, hidden in all that humor, you have a nefarious agenda that you are pushing. Apparently I am too clueless to figure out what it is though. Can you just email me or something, because – trust me – I’ll never catch on. By the way, does Victor know you are a lesbian?

    27. Oh my God! I absolutely love that banner! Eight hours of well wasted time in my opinion. I hope you get to see some Kabuki. I honestly believe that my true talent lies in Kabuki. But alas, I wasn’t born in Japan and therefore I will never know. Life is so cruel.
      .-= Momish´s last blog ..Don’t Slip Away =-.

    28. You are the cutest, bestest thing ever. I’m not a stalker or anything — I guess I’m too boring for that, which is probably a sad thing given my childhood ambitions to be something special. But I stumbled my way over here one day a while ago from a Tbogg link and knew I’d found something kind of…I’m not sure what. Your posts soothe the crazy in me and make me laugh at how utterly absurd life is, so I’ve been lurking ever since. Plus I read your GPS psycho killer lady post to mr. jezebel and we laughed so…fucking…hard…because that is so my life and we’ve had that conversation a million times. We laughed so hard — that’s a great gift you gave us, so — thanks for that. I’d give you something back but I don’t know what you like. And I don’t want to be your next post of “LOOK AT WHAT SOME F’D UP STALKER SENT ME.” So I’ll just say thanks for all the laughs here, and back away quietly. But please go conquer Salon. They need you.

    29. Plus I managed to screw up my first stinking comment here. I meant to comment on your post about the Salon thingy. Whatever. I’m never commenting here ever again. Until the next time I’m on my second martini and mr. jezebel isn’t around to protect me from myself. So there.

    30. Dear Victor,

      Get over yourself. Jenny’s banners are EXTREMELY important. For one, they allow the easily amused like myself to say “OOOO look, something changed!! The bear is getting closer!” or “Ooo look, Japanese Bloggess!”

      And secondly, DUDE. You almost lost your precious jewel of a wife to ANTHRAX (you are SO over the frisbee plate already!). Have some effing gratitude.
      .-= TxtingMrDarcy´s last blog ..Reasons that PA is Friggin’ Weird =-.

    31. Holy Shit! You are going to Japan? My house has turned into little Japan this week with candy sushi cakes and Japanese toys and that little whore Hello Kitty. If I had known you made that awesome header I would have totally put YOUR face on my daughters cake instead of that smarmy little bitch Kimmidoll.

      Now, here is a tip, spend the whole time there with two fingers up and saying ‘So Kawaii’. It means ‘so cute’ and you will totally fit in.

      (buy me a present. Ta)


    33. My life is shit. It’s not the first time, although, fortunately, I can’t really quite remember the last time–it was probably a medical thing–but the past 23 years have been a pretty good run, if you don’t count my mother’s having shot herself in the head in a closet with two guns. Well, she had two guns, but she only pulled one trigger. Anyway, that did put me off my feed rather permanently, but after two years I was able to quit being mad at her because she fucked up my concentration so bad that I couldn’t READ. That was bad. How did she think that I was going to escape the horror of her suicide if my concentration was so shot that I couldn’t read. Honestly, the lack of consideration boggles the mind. Anyway… Where was I? Oh, yeah… My life is shit again. But I can always stop by here and get a slap of silliness that makes my entire fucking week!

      Have fun in Japan or hiding from your fan mail. Whatever… I do love you.

    34. Great. Now you are going to be receiving tons of mails with glitter-encrusted cardboard cards in clear-taped covered envelops. (Where is my glue gun?!) And I actually read your sex column at work. Thanks. I am moving into your backyard if I get fired (Don’t worry. I will pick up the frisbee/dishes for you and make myself useful). Happy trail and DO take a lot of pictures on the flight over there esp. if you are in first class. You need to show those big wigs that 1st class is an experience of a life time. They are all so jaded, so you need to show proper appreciation to remind them how lucky they are. And don’t forget to check out the pantie vending machines. Can’t wait to read about your adventure in Japan. I agree with the previous poster: when having your picture taken, make a “V” sign with your hand (BONUS if both hands). You’d be the most Kawai person Japan has ever seen,
      .-= submom´s last blog ..Happy Halloween! saying it now ’cause this Saturday I’ll be too busy eating, eh, giving out candy =-.

    35. Almost forgot:

      “Everything great that we know has come from neurotics. Never will the world be aware of how much it owes to them, nor, above all, what they have suffered in order to bestow their gifts on it.”

      – Marcel Proust

    36. I would totally be your intern.

      Please, for the love of all things, don’t let Victor stab you. It would be way funnier if he maybe turned you into a human puppet or something and stab wounds don’t cover well. And, if he turned you into a puppet you could totally still blog. Which makes it okay.

      Have fun in Japan, and don’t step in any feces. I hear they use sidewalks as bathrooms over there.
      .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..You’re In For It Now =-.

    37. This has nothing to do with Anthrax, or Japan – but I am now Explore #36. Just thought you should know.
      .-= Aimee Greeblemonkey´s last blog ..My Zombies Are Going To Eat Jenny’s Brains =-.

    38. I want to be your intern! I mean, I have a job and all, but I’m sure they would understand.
      On second thought, your postal stalker should be your intern. I’m sure you’d be hard-pressed to find someone more…uh, dedicated?
      .-= Diana V´s last blog ..In Which I Avoid Writing By Melodramatically Musing About Not Being Able To Write. =-.

    39. So there’s this essay-writing contest I’ve been meaning to enter in which the winner gets to go to Japan. It’s supposed to be something about the geography affecting its culture or something smart like that, but I think if I just stole your future Japan blog post, it would probably be absurd enough for them to just go, “oh God, get her the hell out of here.”

      It’s due really soon though, so there goes my plagiarism plans. Well played, Bloggess. Well played.

    40. Wait, fuck, ‘there go?’ Or ‘there goes?’ God damn you, grammar. This is why I need people to write my essay for me.

    41. Oh, that banner. I’m sitting here, trying to laugh quietly at it, doing that funny silent laugh thing through my nose so Husband won’t wake up and ask me why I’m breathing heavily infront of the computer screen.


      Have fun! 😀
      .-= Chloe´s last blog ..Old Naaaaavy (Shake Your Groove Thing, Shake Your Groove Thing, Yeah Yeah.) =-.

    42. Intern should not make banners. Intern should clean house. Understand?
      .-= SupaCoo´s last blog ..Starting off on the wrong foot. =-.

    43. Now see, I tried to tell people like Victor that glitter in mail is totally a cover for sending anthrax and nobody ever fuggen listens to me! I hear ya. In fact a friend of mine works for the Red Cross and was bored during mailouts the other day and I told her to put red glitter in them and a With Compliments slip saying ‘congratulations,you just killed your mail’ on it. Again, nobody listens to me. Stupid corporate delicate sensibilities!

      You need to find illegal immigrants to be your interns. Yeah, that’s what I said. No, I dunno where you’d find them in Texas either.
      .-= Leesh´s last undefined ..If you register your site for free at =-.

    44. I like your blog alot, whent I told my friend to google it she got this site?? a) she was insulted bc she thought I was trying to say she was bi-polar, b) she then became suspicious that I was trying to tell her I was bi-polar. I might be, however, wasn’t intended to be my confession. Anyway, it was actually kind of good, in a really serious and depressing sort of way.

    45. Dude, why Japan? They don’t cook their babies for Thanksgiving like we do.
      .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..I know it’s icky, but I can’t throw it away. =-.

    46. I love the way that I woke up this morning to find that I am an anthrax posting stalker!!!!

      I’ll admit though that from an outsiders point of view, it could look a bit creepy. If anybody would like a glittery card in a recycled envelope sent to them, to make them feel like they are famous enough to be stalked, I’m happy to oblige. Just send me your address.

      troutiesblog at hotmail dot co dot uk
      .-= Troutie´s last blog ..I’d better up my game =-.

    47. OMG I am an awesome intern and I currently live in Japan – right by Shinjuku ‘cos that’s how efficient I am – I anticipated that you would need an awesome intern and be taking a trip to Japan and I got here 8 months ago to set up and shit!
      .-= Natalie´s last blog ..TRUE STORIES =-.

    48. I kind of dig a stalker who uses glitter. Very snazzy and jazzy. My work mate has a crazy stalker and she never uses glitter but she has used the finger a lot. I’m rather surprised it still works and isn’t all arthritic from over use. Maybe if she put glitter on it, it would be so annoying. In short your stalkers are way better and more creative. Have fun in Japan!
      .-= Jenn´s last blog ..Did You Feel That Breeze… =-.

    49. That is a kick-ass banner.

      …why is the “Ghostbusters” theme song playing in a video about a giant bat scaring people…was the “Batman” theme not long enough?

    50. Fast forward three months where the CDC is looking at that card and saying:

      “Well…I think we found Patient Zero.”
      .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Can Someone Please Splain This? =-.

    51. As a fellow Brit, let me tell you, if you read her post about her husband in a string vest and DON’T laugh, there is something seriously wrong with you.
      That is all x
      .-= Tara@Sticky Fingers´s last blog ..This girl has the makings of a politician =-.

    52. I’m glad I’m not a famous bloggeress-type-lady because I would be completely freaked out getting mail like that. Completely.
      .-= XUP´s last blog ..First Bite =-.

    53. In a fight between a polar bear and a ninja, the polar bear would win. Unless the ninja used his throwing stars to take ou thte polar bears eyes. Then, maybe, the ninja could win.
      .-= William´s last blog ..Neighborhood Watch =-.

    54. What initially confused me was that you received something in the mail. I didn’t know people still received mail with postage.
      .-= meredith groenevelt´s last blog ..postpartum depression? have you tried making tutus? =-.

    55. Dearest Bloggess…you have someone stealing your content: Specifically, she has pilfered your Little Engine That Could insomnia post. Apparently, she just steals content from everyone as she did it to Redneck Mommy and others as well.

    56. That Japan trip banner is totally THE SHIT! I <3 Jenny!
      .-= Middle-Aged-Woman´s last blog ..sthguohT yadseuT modnaR =-.

    57. JENNY! Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey has NOT been a DQ commercial…He’s in a Taco John commercial!

      When you’re in Japan, don’t forget the twitter advice you gave me last week:
      “Quick! Hide under the table!”

      Also, I heart Whiplash. He’s awesome, but if you ever see him in person…don’t make eye contact. I don’t trust anything that’s a foot tall wearing chaps and a pearl snap. I’m just sayin’. His beady little eyes can freak a girl out.
      .-= Jenn´s last blog ..Post-It, Post-It – Read All About It! =-.

    58. I would be more concerned how said British women got my address. That is scary shit.
      .-= Whitney´s last blog ..Zombies take over the streets of Atlanta, For Real…I have video =-.

    59. So, are you going over to Japan to learn how to become a ninja? That would be awesome, because ninjas are supposed to be all silent and deadly! Kinda like a bad cat fart. (But less stinky.)
      .-= Monkey Kurt´s last blog ..Bon Jovi Surprise =-.

    60. I just got fired. Like, yesterday. So, I feel like I am the best intern candidate. And, I got fired from being an intern. AND, I DMed you and you didn’t even respond. So…I can make posters. Just sayin’
      .-= Whitney´s last blog ..Serious addiction problem going on here =-.

    61. “I don’t understand this but it’s fucking fantastic.”

      Oh come on. You understand. Think about it. You score a big furry bat costume. What else are you going to do with it? And, yes. It’s fucking fantastic.

    62. You do of course realize that now you will be flooded with disturbing-possibly-anthrax-filled-bedazzled-cards from your adoring fans? The glue is drying on mine right now.

      And Japan? Fascinating…
      .-= Michelle´s last blog ..Wife Wanted =-.

    63. Dude! Polar bear is 3 syllables. Fire that damn intern! Hire me. I’m available
      .-= Em´s last blog ..2 Weeks Late =-.

    64. You are brilliantly badass, and I think we all should send you glittery cards. Some with anthrax, some not, just so you aren’t disappointed and also so you can tell Victor “I told you so” about concerns over anthrax in the mail being valid. I will not put anthrax in the your glitter card, because that would be fucking nuts.
      .-= Katie´s last blog ..Roman Ruby Pendant – $440.00 =-.

    65. I think you have that backwards. You don’t want an intern that’s good at banners, you want one that’s good at windows. And toilet cleaning. and vacuuming. And possibly spelling words with two u’s, because I’m never sure if I’m spelling vacuum right.
      .-= Jessi´s last blog ..Embarrassed Is the Name of My Land – Join Me There =-.

    66. Okay, so, here’s the thing. I’m sure there are eleventy thousand other people who are going to be all “I’LL BE YOUR INTERN,” but fuck that. I’m going to be the best intern in the galaxy (See what I did there? I just up and decided that I’m going to be your intern. Because that’s what interns do, they’re helpful and they anticipate your needs and bring you a cookie in the shape of a giant vagina when you’re having a bad day because who doesn’t love chocolate chip labia?) And the answer to your question is a falcon, because they have claws and a two syllable name that doesn’t begin with the letter “n” and are scary as hell because things that can fly are scary and they’d put up the best fight for a ninja because ninjas like to be stealthy and falcons are known for their insane vision and in fact, one species of falcon has even been found to have a visual acuity of 2.6 times that of a normal human.

      PS- You better believe I just researched falcons for you.
      PPS- I have absolutely no idea what “visual acuity” means, but I could find out. Or I could just MAKE IT UP. Either way, you win.
      PPPS- I should probably send this entire comment to you in an email as well, in case you don’t read all of your comments due to how overwhelmingly busy and in need of an intern you are.
      PPPS- My next job as your intern is getting you to read this list of 10 Extraordinarily Useful Japanese Phrases for Travelers. Particularly #3, which translates to: “Oops! I meant to fart but poop came out.” Yeah, you’re welcome.
      .-= nicole antoinette´s last blog ..turkey sandwiches, over-sharing, and the impact of social media on our ability to just shut the fuck up =-.

    67. “I need to know what animal has claws and is scary but also has a funny name. Something with at least two syllables. And it can’t start with an “n” because it’s going to fight a ninja and I don’t want them to have matching names.”

      I was thinking you could work miracles with “platypus.”
      .-= TheExpatresse´s last blog ..Cats: Who Needs ‘Em? =-.

    68. So, when it is a person in my family’s birthday, I make these things called “Lorelei Poems”, I have made them since I was 7 so they are notoriously bad and they ALWAYS rhyme. So it was my mom’s birthday yesterday and she and I both absolutely love you and read all your different bloggages. So I TOTALLY used you in the poem and thought you might want to see it since it’s your name and all. I am just posting the little part where I used your name, the whole thing is really kind of tedious.

      My mother is pretty awesome
      I love her more than an opossum
      So please don’t change a bit
      Or I will have to speak to Jenny Lawson

      Btw, I would have to speak to you because you would TOTALLY kick her butt if she did change cause you can.

    69. **I need to know what animal has claws and is scary but also has a funny name. Something with at least two syllables.**

      mammals. that lay eggs. and have the body and fur of an otter. with a duck bill. and webbed feet with claws at the end of them. and poisonous spurs on the backs of their back feet.
      the scariest animal EVER.

    70. Please, oh please, oh please tell us that the trip to Japan is to research Sumo wrestler porn! It’s gotta be at least as scary as clown porn.
      .-= mrsbitch´s last blog ..Random observation about homophobic idiots. =-.

    71. So wait – all I have to do is sending you a VAGUELY threatening, possibly anthraxed package and the site views on my blog will skyrocket?! Damn – why didn’t I think of this first?!
      .-= My Baby Sweetness´s last blog ..Halloween =-.

    72. I could totally make you an awesome glitter card..contemplating it now…
      .-= Kirsten´s last blog ..BACON EATING ROBOT =-.

    73. Wow XUP is over here now, I stalk, I mean I follow her Blog. Anyway, Kodiack Bear has move than one syllable…not that you asked.

    74. what’s your address so i can wrap myself up in glittery pink paper and mail myself to you and live inside of your inner sanctum and get all fuckin crazy like you. i think like you but not until some other nut makes me stop my normal fuckin life to be nuts for a minute
      .-= dina´s last blog ..Cleansing Body and Mind with Grapefruit Essential Oil =-.

    75. Now you have me all tingly waiting for stories from Japan. There has GOT to be AWESOME blogging material in a trip to Japan! Have fun! And don’t forget to write!
      .-= Jane´s last blog ..Don’t Let Your Mother Hear You Playing This! =-.

    76. My son is going to Japan this weekend. I hope you both have a great time. BTW LOVE the Japan banner!
      .-= zenmomma´s last blog ..Good Mood Gig =-.

    77. You’re leaving Houston for another country? The vortex of awesomeness is going foreign and it’s your fault, but to be honest, Houston couldn’t handle the entire awesomeness of you, so it’s nice that you’re giving it a break. Don’t be surprised if it implodes in your absence though.
      .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..I Was A Cross Between Pretty Woman and A Compton Gang Member So We Went To Galveston =-.

    78. Why do people know your home address…..but more importantly…why don’t I?
      .-= dubiousMa´s last blog ..Sometimes it’s Really Cute How Dumb You Are =-.

    79. Your Japanese banner is awesome. Totally worth spending a day over.
      .-= Mr Farty´s last blog ..Computer Terms Illustrated =-.

    80. I really didn’t understand anything in this post but congratulations on your junk mail and Japan and shit.
      .-= bejewell´s last blog ..It’s Really Only a Matter of Time until Someone Stabs Me, and That is Why This List is Necessary =-.

    81. I could be your intern! Except I would want to get paid. Preferrably in Looney Tunes DVDs, but I’ll take money too. Also, I’m not moving to Texas. I’m staying in Seattle. Cause I’m scared of spiders and apparently they’re like currency there. The big ones are worth ten bucks. Tarantulas are like gold.
      .-= CyraEm´s last blog ..22 =-.

    82. That banner is toatlly made of awesomeness! Have fun in Japan. Can’t wait to read all about it.
      .-= OhSweetSara´s last blog ..I Couldn’t Come Up With A “Witty” Title For This One =-.

    83. Now I’m afraid you go to Japan and never be back. Please, oh, please get back! I can’t make myself learning another language, I am too old. And lasy.
      .-= Aleutie´s last blog ..How to be your own perfect boss =-.

    84. i would totally stalk you if you come to my house. i live in japan.

      i LOVE the geisha you. fabulous!
      .-= illahee´s last blog’s that time of year again! =-.

    85. Haha “threats aren’t pink and glittery” … haha.
      .-= Katie´s last blog ..It’s That Time of the Year Again… =-.

    86. You’re SO lucky. I never get anthrax mail. Ever.

      My life blows.
      .-= sandyb´s last blog ..Married. Without children. You gotta problem with that? =-.

    87. I bet you’d fire 57 interns before you found the right one. Then you’d fire that one cause even though they’re perfect….they eat more xanax than you. Hopeless. Just hopeless.
      .-= peedee´s last blog ..Outta Here =-.

    88. I have a four-year-old with a serious attitude and I’d be pleased to send her to you so you can have an intern. She’s not that great with Google searches or anything, but she’s a quick learner, and I think you could possibly provide her with a far better education than preschool. Seeing as you’re going off to Japan, though, this might not be quite the right time. But you just say the word, and I’ll send her along.

    89. Japan is awesome. I’d do anything to go to japan. What do you want me to do for you ?

    90. You don’t need an intern, you need a bitch.
      Or, better yet, a paralegal.
      I think I know of JUST THE RIGHT paralegal…except you’d totally be her bitch. Which might be OK.
      .-= Well Read Hostess´s last blog ..Despite Our Best Efforts… =-.

    91. Just fucking great. I spent like 16 hours making a bloggess collage with rhinestones and I get beat to the punch by some crazy british lady. Looks like I’m going to have to get a little more disciplined and taper back dancing around naked with my penis tucked between my legs while wearing a red wig and pretending I’m at a cocktail party with Anthony Edwards. I didn’t know I was in a race. Whatever. I’m creative. I’ll come up with something else. Can I touch your feet? Think about it. I don’t want to lick them or anything. Just a little pet, maybe wiggle your big toe. Nothing weird. See you in Japan.
      .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Really? ‘Cause I think you’re the odd one. =-.

    92. Nice banner.

      THANK YOU for linking “Oh helllooooo.” That made my morning.
      .-= tracey´s last blog ..An enigma* =-.

    93. I’m with your husband that the weird threat/comment in your glittery gin-ad wrapped card is CREEPY! Japan will be awesome. I can’t wait for your stories…
      .-= Holli´s last blog ..Girl in the box =-.

    94. Glittery card was awesome enough, but April Flores? Shit, where do I get a gig like that? Wait, if I’m your intern….

    95. A) I’m very scared of the charming british woman and you should be too. I mean, whatever happened to the classic hair dolls?
      B) If you let me be your intern, I will clean your house and tell Victor that you did it.
      C) I don’t know why I did this in outline format. And I have nothing for C.
      .-= Belle´s last blog ..Are you there, Internet? It’s me, Belle. =-.

    96. Can I be your intern?
      .-= Kyla´s last blog ..This week, I… =-.

    97. Um, the monkey+dog on a tex-mex rampage was a taco commercial, if memory serves me (and, unfortunately, it usaully does). Haven’t been in a long while, but I don’t think DQ does tacos, do they? Btw, best damn blog I’ve read in forever. You got yourself another regular!
      .-= NikiBGD´s last blog ..Welcome to the Free Balkans: Croatian Damir Finti? May Be First Blogger in Europe to Be Jailed for Third Party Comments =-.

    98. Your banner is really, really good.
      .-= juliejulie´s last blog ..Twist Pop Media Goes to Vegas =-.

    99. […]  I’m going to Japan in a couple of days so please get back to me in the next few hours or I might be tempted to do something drastic when […]

    100. That comment of the day is right up there among the best Bloggess posts ever. You better hire her as your intern, Jenny, because I’m pretty sure it’s chapter 1 of The Art of War (also The Art of Life) that you keep your friends close, but enemies closer. And hire your rivals as interns. Also, something about hitting the other guy more than he hits you.
      .-= LiteralDan´s last blog ..Maybe Amelia Earhart simply unraveled? =-.

    101. One word: Wombat

    102. 102
      Valerie Howard, author of The Pussy Dialogues

      Hello, Ladies,
      I was just googling my name in hopes of reviving the my book and I came across your site. What a hoot about Eve, she’s just a sour puss! I love your site think your vagainamonoblog was a great idea! She tried to give me some flack about my book in 2003, but she didn’t have much luck. Writing a letter to your vaginas’ is such a scream and so profound. (That’s why the Pussy is smart, has a whole lotta charm, little patience and requires clean hands, good converstion, lots of cash and certainly a listening ear.) Too bad Va-gina doesn’t know that, maybe she needs a reminder on her vaginal wall! If you have a mailing list, please keep me posted on what you’re up to. I think you guys are cute. Much love, Valerie Howard

    103. My boyfriend lives in Wyoming and I’m in Vermont and he bought me a webcam so we could stay in touch. I was all like you just want porn and he laughed and I said no way. So here I was today watching the April Flores photo shoot video with its porn-ish music on my laptop when he rang me on the webcam. I minimized April’s window and accepted his call and then realized that the music was still playing. “Whatcha watching?” he said and all I could think of to say was “um, nothing” which was just stupid and gave me away. Then I turned Bright Red. Now I feel like a hypocrite.
      .-= Kristi´s last blog ..Memory Foam =-.

    104. I have obsessed over finding that rodeo monkey commercial, too! Sadly, Victor is right, it was a Dairy Queen commercial. In a cheesy country way they sang, “This is DQ country!”

    105. 105
      Lady Penelope

      You don’t need an intern, you need a ‘service dog’. But instead of ‘dog’ you can get a miniature pony or a trained monkey (which actually exist – they were on an episode of 60minutes. A blind girl had a miniature seeing eye pony and took it on a plane. There’s gotta be a joke in there somewhere…)
      And ‘cos of your anxiety disorder you totally qualify for one so Victor can’t bang on about the cost.

      Personally, I prefer the dog, but the miniature pony would be worth the strange looks alone as he sits in the car riding shotgun…

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