A series of inappropriate emails I sent to my mother which she has not responded to at all.
(This is all totally true, by the way. That’s what makes it so very awful. FYI: Lisa is my sister. Gabi is my niece. My mother is a saint.)
To: Mom
Sent: 2:02pm
Weird. I can’t even get my cat to wear a condom.
~me**************************************************************************
To: Mom
Sent: 2:04pm
Crap! I meant “sweater“. I can’t even get my cat to wear a SWEATER. Why did I say “condom”? What is wrong with me?
Pretend Lisa sent this.
~me
****************************************************************************
To: Mom
Sent: 2:10pm
Also, I just remembered that you said your computer won’t play videos so this whole thing is pointless. Just trust me that the video was adorable and didn’t have anything to do with cat sex at all.
~still me
****************************************************************************
To: Mom
Sent: 2:12pm
OR ANY TYPE OF SEX. It’s a video of a kitty getting wrapped up in Christmas paper. OHMYGOD! SHUT UP, ME.
~ugh
*****************************************************************************
To: Mom
Sent: 2:15pm
Hi. I apologize for being your daughter. But really you brought this on yourself.
~ me Lisa
*****************************************************************************
To: Mom, Lisa
Sent: 2:22pm
Hi mom!
You’re going to see a bunch of emails from me in your inbox but you shouldn’t read them because they’re all infected with a terrible virus. Which I got from Lisa. You should really just avoid her and also any emails from her. She’s not with you right now, is she? Because if she is you should push her down.
~me
PS. I found Gabi’s jacket in my car but now I’ve lost it again. I need Lisa’s address in case I find it again. Oh hang on, I’ll just CC Lisa on this so she can tell me. Duh.
******************************************************************************
To: Mom, Lisa
Sent: 2:26pm
Oh. I have made a horrible mistake.
You both should not open the emails from me in your inbox. They are infected with a virus. Which I got from daddy.
I love you both very, very much.
~me
PS. Lisa ~ What’s your address? I may or may not have something to send to you but if you don’t get anything it’s your mailman’s fault and totally not mine. You have a terrible mailman.
*******************************************************************************
So far? No response. Except for my sister who simply responded “You are an idiot“. Hard to argue with that.
Comment of the day: I just sent my mom a picture of a house in Ohio where we spent 2,475 days growing up. She wrote me back and said, “Oh look, it’s that house in the Hamptons we spent the afternoon at.” ~ Suzy