What’s really sad is that this isn’t a joke at all and that my mom actually was subjected to all of these emails

A series of inappropriate emails I sent to my mother which she has not responded to at all.

(This is all totally true, by the way.  That’s what makes it so very awful.  FYI: Lisa is my sister.  Gabi is my niece.  My mother is a saint.)

To: Mom

Sent: 2:02pm

Weird. I can’t even get my cat to wear a condom.



To: Mom

Sent: 2:04pm

Crap! I meant “sweater“.  I can’t even get my cat to wear a SWEATER. Why did I say “condom”? What is wrong with me?

Pretend Lisa sent this.



To: Mom

Sent: 2:10pm

Also, I just remembered that you said your computer won’t play videos so this whole thing is pointless.  Just trust me that the video was adorable and didn’t have anything to do with cat sex at all.

~still me


To: Mom

Sent: 2:12pm

OR ANY TYPE OF SEX.  It’s a video of a kitty getting wrapped up in Christmas paper.  OHMYGOD! SHUT UP, ME.



To: Mom

Sent: 2:15pm

Hi.  I apologize for being your daughter.  But really you brought this on yourself.

~ me Lisa


To: Mom, Lisa

Sent: 2:22pm

Hi mom!

You’re going to see a bunch of emails from me in your inbox but you shouldn’t read them because they’re all infected with a terrible virus.  Which I got from Lisa.  You should really just avoid her and also any emails from her.  She’s not with you right now, is she?  Because if she is you should push her down.


PS.  I found Gabi’s jacket in my car but now I’ve lost it again.  I need Lisa’s address in case I find it again.  Oh hang on, I’ll just CC Lisa on this so she can tell me.  Duh.


To: Mom, Lisa

Sent: 2:26pm

Oh.  I have made a horrible mistake.

You both should not open the emails from me in your inbox.  They are infected with a virus.  Which I got from daddy.

I love you both very, very much.


PS. Lisa ~ What’s your address?  I may or may not have something to send to you but if you don’t get anything it’s your mailman’s fault and totally not mine.  You have a terrible mailman.


So far?  No response.  Except for my sister who simply responded “You are an idiot“.  Hard to argue with that.

Comment of the day: I just sent my mom a picture of a house in Ohio where we spent 2,475 days growing up. She wrote me back and said, “Oh look, it’s that house in the Hamptons we spent the afternoon at.” ~ Suzy

121 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I laughed so hard I snorted Cheez-Its. If this was my mom I’d be disowned.
    .-= K´s last blog ..Oil tastes like regret =-.

  2. At least you’re interesting. My sister doesn’t know how to send an email.
    .-= Maxie´s last blog ..the 24-hour blog break =-.

  3. I bet your family reunions are actually fun.
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Grey’s Anatomy S6ep11 =-.

  4. Agreed. This sort of reasoning and the behavior to back it up has got to be entertaining in person. Carry on, sister.
    .-= Casey´s last blog ..Sacrifice And Giving =-.

  5. I so needed this laugh today. You have no idea! if your mom is like mine she won’t have a clue you sent her anything until she has 400 emails and yours will be buried on the bottom. Send her more!!!
    .-= Janis´s last blog ..My Worst Nightmare: The Power’s Out! =-.

  6. My mom doesn’t respond to my emails until weeks later when I have already forgotten about the weird shit I sent her.
    .-= pineapple´s last blog ..I’m no reporter, ya’ll =-.

  7. Lisa sounds like trouble if you ask me.
    .-= singlemomma_cc´s last blog ..What the hell do you have against Jackie Chan?! =-.

  8. 8
    RYTJIAAL Intern

    my family just yells at each other. this is way more fun. please ass me to (oops i meant add…. i’ll leave that one to your imagination) the list of people to random email. xoxo

  9. Some day, Lisa will learn to appreciate the finer things in life.

    I bet your mom really looks forward to getting links from you, even if she hasn’t learned how to reply yet
    .-= LiteralDan´s last blog ..Important Question: What would you use this for? =-.

  10. My mother still writes letters on parchment and seals them with wax. No wonder I’m so backward.
    .-= Pauline´s last blog ..The Pirates Own Book: "Are Not We In Sport?" =-.

  11. My sister would do that, though she would probably be drunk! Wait…

    Anyway, Lisa doesn’t know what she has! Though I suspect your mother does. Know what Lisa has.

  12. I have the oppostie problem. My dad has just become proficient at emailing in the last couple of years and for some reason old people (or maybe it’s just his friends..) really, really, really, REALLY like to send horrible forwards that no one wants to read. However, he seems to think that I will be interested in reading them. I’m not, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’ll open my inbox to find 32 messages from him, 2 from an old friend telling me about MaryKay deals even though her and I haven’t talked in years, and 1 telling me how to enhance the size of the penis I don’t have.

  13. At least your mother doesn’t fill your inbox w/political or religious crapola that not only offends you but you’re pretty sure she didn’t even read past the subject line.
    Not that the saint of a mother of mine would do such a thing. Noooooo.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..So you want to know about life insurance? What? No? =-.

  14. Of the many things there are to laugh at in this video for some reason it’s the wrapping of the tail that has me in seizures on the floor. Am not sure how I’m even able to type this, fortunately one set of toes is still functioning.
    .-= Stephanie Smirnov´s last blog ..Outgrowing Star Wars =-.

  15. For kitty birth control you want to use the NuvaRing. Duh. Stays in for 3 weeks.
    .-= Kristin´s last blog ..My big Australian crush =-.

  16. this is why people “don’t have email.” which really? you don’t have email. weird. one time i texted my brother and sister from my mother’s phone saying that i was, in fact, her favorite. she’s sixty four, she doesn’t text but i got those fuckers good. then my mother panicked because “I DON’T EVEN HAVE TEXTS ON MY PHONE!!!” that really didn’t work because she does and she did and i’m her favorite, the end.

  17. That is brilliant! Why haven’t I thought of the whole “virus” and/or sent by someone “else” thing when I send a screwed up email?

    I blame the public education system. Or Al Gore for inventing the internet. Either way.

    This comment is totally screwed up now. I’m pretty sure it was written by a chimp.

    Pete Bubbles
    .-= Pete´s last blog ..Khmer a Minute =-.

  18. Hmm my mother wont even turn on the computer as she fears she will “break it”, should she even breathe in its presence. It’s amazing I turned out so normal (tic, tic).
    .-= Michelle Roger´s last blog ..Always Something There To Remind Me. =-.

  19. ha ha ha!! I’m glad ‘Cat’ recycles…..next video with her in a protest against thrown out Chrstmas paper w/ paw/ arm up…..”SAVE THE PAPER…SAVE THE PAPER!!!” and maybe burning gift bags b/c ‘Cat’ is confused about how to save the RainForest…..GiftBags are still paper….
    Cooks Chamapagne: no say more stupid shit
    Me: I know that made no sense but I am going to stop there….
    Cooks: Pussy
    Me: we will pick this up later
    .-= NinjaDragonFly´s last blog ..Dallas Cowgirls/ Boys…… =-.

  20. Wow, just fucking wow. That has got to be the funniest thing I have ever seen….since your other crazy ass blogs. Family reunions must be awesome at your house.
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..I am going to Hell =-.

  21. poor mailman!
    .-= neers´s last blog ..a mom is born =-.

  22. I’d send my mom emails, but she’d just call me and ask me to walk her through *exactly* how to check her mail. At least your mom’s not a luddite!

  23. I just sent my mom a picture of a house in Ohio where we spent 2,475 days growing up. She wrote me back and said, “Oh look, it’s that house in the Hamptons we spent the afternoon at.”
    .-= Suzy´s last blog ..The Shorty Awards =-.

  24. Brilliant. I’m tempted to send my mother an email now… that’s probably NOT such a great idea.
    .-= ellie´s last blog ..Whinge moan whinghity whinge. =-.

  25. 25
    jennifer bridges

    OMG! Can your post emails between you and Victor. Better yet can you write a book about everything. You crack me up. I also like reading the comments people leave you. Its like we are all on the same page. Sorry I took lots of ativan tonight so I better stop now. Bye

  26. I would love to receive email from my Mother. Unfortunately she’s too “challenged” to get my email correct. In the past, she has gotten gmail and blogspot confused, therefore sending all email to my gspot account that I don’t have.

    Yes, that is a true story.

  27. I was going to make some joke about the emails starting with a condom and ending with getting a virus from your father, but then I realized that I just couldn’t make incest and questionable sexual abuse funny. Well, I could, but I would be ashamed of myself. Well, not necessarily ashamed of the joke, because the ones I thought of were pretty funny, and I would only be ashamed of them if they weren’t funny, but slightly embarrassed, way later on, when I realized that it was probably inappropriate and nobody else thought that they were funny. Mostly not the inappropriate part, though. And now I am not funny in paragraph form. FML.

    What? I didn’t say anything. That was her. I was too busy trying to figure out how I could be Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer’s wife. Apparently, a position is open. Yum.
    .-= Rachel´s last blog ..heiferness: Why isn’t there a Dr Pepper and ice cream delivery service? =-.

  28. I thought I sent my mom some weird stuff. This made me giggle. A lot.
    .-= Mad Woman´s last blog ..It’s like the search for the Holy Grail. Only more humiliating. And less Knights that say "Ni!" =-.

  29. Ok, I kind of wish someone would send me emails like that because all I get lately are random spam. I also think you’re sister really meant, “you are awesome.” Lets just go with that.

    Oh, and I loved that video! Seriously awesome cat. All yours does is sit on your head. You should totally wrap your cat in Easter bunny paper (Christmas has already been done) and then let it sit on your head. That way you can top that video. Your intern should totally get on this. You’re welcome.
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Moronic Monday – Riot shields are meant for riots, not sledding down a hill, you Bobbies! =-.

  30. That cat looks exactly like my cat, who had to be given to my Ex’s mom when she went psychotic ninja on my kid when she was like, just learning to walk and tried to sever her achilles tendons. And her son, my ex’s brother is just weird enough that he might wrap up a cat in wrapping paper. And youtube it. Except instead of traditional Christmas music, he would have had some traditional Chinese music because in addition to just being a cat-wrapper-upper sort, he’s also become Chinese since 2001. And he was here at Christmas time, from China, so it totally could have been him.

    Which is what I hope my ex and his mom’ll understand when they hear the voicemail I left them, accusing their family member of being a dirty cat-wrapper.
    .-= Zoeyjane´s last blog ..On moving on up, part 2 =-.

  31. my younger brother would have sent me the same email – so feel understood regarding international cretinhood 🙂 !
    .-= dfn´s last blog ..Kuriosfetisch Sprache =-.

  32. I have the reverse problem, those emails would be coming from my mother, which is why I’m not allowed to write about her anymore on my blog.

  33. My mom still has a rotary dial phone.

    No lie.
    .-= The Expatresse´s last blog ..Moscow Never Ceases to Surprise Me =-.

  34. All my mom ever sends me is gay porn.
    .-= Uriah´s last blog ..Who the hell are you and what are you doing inside my brain?!?!?! =-.

  35. I am fairly sure that my cat wouldn’t stand to be wrapped. In paper, a condom or a sweater (is a sweater a jumper? I’m always confused by that) without freaking the fuck out and murdering me.

    Actually, my cat looks at me like he wants to murder me all the time. It’s a little creepy. I think he’s in cahoots with the baby. I mean, the baby likes to snuffle in his fur, how I am to know that they aren’t plotting my demise?
    .-= Veronica´s last blog ..Weeding =-.

  36. How come you can’t get your cat to wear a condom?
    .-= Marinka´s last blog ..What Color Is Her Parachute =-.

  37. I like sending my mother email from random accounts with specific information I know about her saying that I’m from Nigeria and will give her “the sum of $10m dollars US trusted benevolent euros” if she’ll give me access to her bank accounts or else the puppy gets it!

    Sure it’s mean, but so far I’ve paid for two years of my kids’ college tuition out of it.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Family Circus and the Day I Got My Ass Sued =-.

  38. My mom would love to get emails. Unfortunately she still lives with my dad, who refuses to have a computer that’s “hooked up” to the internet, cause then “they’ll get in”. I keep telling him for $29.95 anyone can find out anything about him, but he refuses to believe it.

    Then he comes over to my house and tells me what to look up for him on the computer.

    Cause it’s okay if “they” get in over here.
    .-= CaroleM´s last blog ..Day 187/365 A Deal With the Devil =-.

  39. I send similar type emails to my Mom but she actually responds with her own nonsense which will keep us going and giggling for hours. Also? I know a cat around here that is going to be wrapped up in something if he doesn’t stop growling at the other cat that is “looking at him.” Actually, I think that cat plans on killing all of us when we sleep. I already woke up once to him on my chest staring at my mouth. He took some of my breath, I just know it!
    .-= Dani´s last blog ..My Name is Dani and I Must Kick Your Car. Its a Problem =-.

  40. I’ve been trying for decades to get my daughter to say, “I apologize for being your daughter.” So, how do I forward this email to her?

  41. I’m still wondering if a cat in sweater would be funnier than wrapping paper & would a cat in a condom be illegal? Gee, my day has now started off on a very odd foot hasn’t it? 😀
    .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..No Babies Were Injured in the Making of this Photo =-.

  42. That right there, sadly, is my typical day of what I say outloud. The other day my boss comes in to my office, which I share with some other ladies that won’t let me live this down, ever. And he looks all coifed and I say – “hey did you get a hair cut or something?” him: “no just took a shower” me: “well it looks good on you, keep it up!”

  43. Loved the video! Understand mom situation others have, my mom and grandma say things or do things and then forget immediately so whatever I talk to them everything is always new, even if it’s not…what was I saying?
    .-= Marie´s last blog ..swingers, avon and the search for good friends =-.

  44. Am I the only one worried that the words ‘condom’ and ‘sweater’ appear to be interchangable in your mind? I’m not a psychiatrist or anything, but…

  45. i’m going to challenge my mother to an Indian Strap Match just like the heydey of the WWE. i get to be junkyard dog, i don’t care what she says.
    .-= suddenly furiousball´s last blog ..challenge =-.

  46. You know that strange filter that you have if you’re a teacher and you know you can’t curse in front of your students even though you swear like a sailor? Oh wait- you’re probably not a teacher. Anyway, THANK GOD I have one of those filters. So far in 15 years of teaching I haven’t sweared in front of my students. Except that one time when one of my first graders dropped a heavy chair square on my big toenail. I said “SHIT” out loud and then ran/ hobbled out into the hallway to cry and vomit. And then two days later I lost my toenail.

    Well somehow that filter has carried over to sending fucked up stuff to my mom on the internet. Again, THANK GOD. Because I really really want to.

  47. I’ve had email conversations like that with my husband. I mean not about cat sex or kitty condoms but just rambling one after another emails from me to him. I guess they weren’t really email conversations… he didn’t respond either. It’s so aggravating when people we love have more sense than us, isn’t it??
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Well, I woke up this morning… =-.

  48. It’s not your fault you want to have a warm pussy.

    Your mom and sister should understand that.

    cat + sweater = warmth
    .-= Ed Adams´s last blog ..Introducing……STICKMAN…….My first cartoon. =-.

  49. too funny… If I could have a cat, I’d call it “slippers” I can’t explain why, except to say that it wouldn’t be wearing them… But, I can’t have a cat, I’m seriously allergic to them.. which would mean that I couldn’t have slippers made out of soft kitty fur.. DAMN! I wasn’t supposed to say that..
    no kitties were harmed in the writing of this comment… or ever… I was talking about weaving shed kitty fur into yarn .. oh I’m going to shut up now..
    .-= Monica´s last blog ..Christmas: The AFTERMATH =-.

  50. That cat had to have been drugged. It’s a big problem here in NYC. Kitties go out to bars, get drinks from strangers, then end up wrapped in holiday paper. *shudder*

  51. You have to arouse your cat first. I light some candles, put on Animal Planet and a little Marvin to set the mood. Then the condom usually goes right on.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Batman: Inside The Cave – 3rd edition =-.

  52. I would laugh my a$$ off if I were your mom. My mom would have me arrested for indecency…seriously…she’s done that.
    .-= Linda´s last blog ..Helping Haiti and navigating charitable organizations =-.

  53. My cat just uses the rhythm method.

  54. So…what happened to the condom? Is this some new trick you are teaching your cat?


    .-= Tony´s last blog ..Holding a lot of hope for Haiti. =-.

  55. Your emails are awesome. E-mails my family send me usually include a pasted-up list of jokes or LOLcat-like images that they find funny and pass around until it reads FWD:FWD:FWD:RE:RE:FWD:HILARIOUS CATS! I always somehow resist the temptation to tell them that there’s another place they can find collections of jokes and pictures and just share the links, called the INTERNETS.
    .-= Vicki´s last blog ..Riding a horse is like blogging, except you can’t become a parapalegic if you blog =-.

  56. I want you to adopt me. Or maybe your mom. Wait. I don’t want you to adopt your mom. That’s redundant. I think.

    Hell, I’m allergic to cats anyway. More of a basset hound kind of girl. Well, I’m not actually a basset hound. Oh never mind.
    I think I love you.
    .-= Dara´s last blog ..Father’s Day =-.

  57. The first email is ridiculous on so many levels… I wish some psychologists would break down all the Freudian craziness that is bursting through in those eleven words…

    I don’t know who to feel sorry for: You, your Mom, or you Cat…
    .-= Ryan Hanley´s last blog ..Branding Your Business =-.

  58. 58

    We have a bad mailman. I think I’m going to give him a wrapped cat next Christmas.

  59. This is where your mom tells you you’re adopted. Then you’ll never know if the address for your ‘real’ mother that she gives you isn’t the real one or that girl in high school she hated.
    .-= JChevais´s last blog ..New Year, New Beginnings =-.

  60. My mom sent me a naked hippy calendar. True story. Sadly.
    (because dude, hippies are *old* now! Like, older than ME)
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..The Mark(er) of Integrity =-.

  61. My mom just sends random religious power point crap. And porn. To my dad. Yeah…

  62. I have a sister named Lisa, too, and everything has totally been her fault since the day she soaked the little cloth doll from the top of my jewelry box in the toilet.
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..I Always Knew I Didn’t Care For Baseball =-.

  63. I am in love w @Mayopie’s comment. I would propose if it weren’t patently obvious she is experienced sexually, which makes the comment dirty and whorish. SO JUST FORGET IT.

  64. Also, next time use a lubed condom. Makes the cats slimy, but it makes it easier to slide on.

    And do you think wrapping paper, a sweater, and a condom (especialy all three) would help to make the cat-towel facelift thing more suitable and practical for public? Because I do. A sweater for warmth, a condom for its spanx-like properties (it would flatten the cat out, you see, so he blended better), and the wrapping paper with the bow could make it look like a normal hair accessory. In fact, if the cat didn’t meow, I don’t think anybody would be able to tell. I am not sure how you would get it to stay on. Bungee cords? Ribbon? You cold make him look either like a bonnet or like one of those amazing winter hat things with the strings that tie under your chin, that you aren’t really supposed to tie, but you do, and the huge poof ball on top. Depending on the season. Or not, I guess. You could wear the bonet version year round, I suppose. But you might have to dress like you are Amish.

  65. If this was sent to my mom, she’d ask if I was alright and maybe if I should start taking some medication. Then when it got to the point where the sister gets blamed. She would agree, then tell everyone my sister sent her some rambling emails and needs an intervention. My mom’s cool like that. Thanks for the laugh on a day that I needed one. You rock!
    .-= Shirley´s last blog ..I Think He’s Better =-.

  66. It is like you are part of my extended family! Me, Mom, Dad and one of my brothers had an all day e-mail fest about mooning people in the military. Brother is in the military and it started out with us making up military names for mooning people i.e. bringing up the rear. It went downhill from there.
    .-= Jess´s last blog ..New Hairs! =-.

  67. Really? You can’t get the cat to wear a condom?? Huh. I’ve never had that problem.

  68. I think Lisa needs to guest post. Or to leave the country and get a new name.
    .-= always home and uncool´s last blog ..Shows NBC is Developing to Replace Leno in Prime Time =-.

  69. i feel your pain. my kitty won’t put in her diaphragm in before she heads out for the evening. and my mom still sends me 10 year old jokes everyday. there should be a contraceptive device to block them from entering my inbox.
    .-= Patty Punker´s last blog ..Pristiq Depresses Me =-.

  70. I’m stealing your “write my name in cross-out letters; put my sister’s name instead” technique. Sure, my mom might not find it funny, but I’ll think it’s HYSTERICAL, which is really all that matters. 🙂 ~ r.
    .-= ryeginald´s last blog ..If I cannot be helpful, at least I can be honest. =-.

  71. I bet Al Gore sure is glad he invented the internet just so we can share videos like these. Am slightly embarrassed to say I laughed like a hyena. …I think, I’ve never actually heard a hyena laugh.

  72. I say go all out; tell them you’ve won the Nigerian lottery and need money to release the OTHER money owed to you by a businessman you never met but who died and left you his fortunes. Good kind sir.

    This wouldn’t bother me, my mom is too busy forwarding that Bill Gates is giving away money to respond to my emails.
    .-= Chris Illuminati´s last blog ..If you’re thinking of buying my book, don’t…yet =-.

  73. Dear Jenny-

    Please tell your sister to return my condoms.



  74. Cats can still have sex with sweaters on, or so I’ve heard.

  75. Funny. I have no mom, and no siblings, and I wish I had both so I could torture them with goofy, borderline inappropriate, hilarious emails. This is why being a motherless only child fucking sucks. SUCKS I TELL YOU! (I mean, okay, that’s ONE of the reasons it sucks, really there are plenty more but they have nothing to do at all with this post so I’ll spare you.)

  76. So, I would totally have this one-sided conversation with my mom, but she’d be too drunk to notice we were talking anyway. Love that video though, I wish my cat wasn’t the devil so I could wrap him. Have you ever tried to wrap the devil in Christmas wrap? Not a good idea, trust me.
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..EcoStore USA Review and Giveaway! =-.

  77. Oh jesus. That is every IM log and every email I’ve ever had with my mother. At this point she isn’t even surprised anymore.
    .-= Rook´s last blog ..Picture blog: Trip to Erie =-.

  78. Sounds exactly how me and my sisters are! Hilarious as always!

  79. I read this post outload and let my cat watch the video. He (Randy) is now outside sitting on the roof of the house and pretends he doesn’t know how to get down. Gahhhh…
    .-= Martie´s last blog ..Seven Kids Is Entirely Too Many… =-.

  80. My sister’s name is Lisa too, so I feel for you. I have one of those cats as well. A Ghandi cat. His tolerance and patience are endless. He just sits there and takes it all with a look of pity on his face, as if to say I am but a bumbling human fool who sadly doesn’t know The Way.
    .-= Momish´s last blog ..In A Word =-.

  81. I’ve always wanted a funny sister to send me email that would make me wet my desk chair. Feel free to think of me as the sister you don’t actually have and include me in the fun!
    .-= Paula´s last blog ..Chee-burger! Chee-burger! Chee-burger! =-.

  82. As a pseudo self-help professional, I commend you on your healthy airing of issues with a relative, specifically a mom. Not the easiest thing to do. Oh, and it is also funny, thank you.
    .-= Mr. Paul Maul´s last blog ..THE MEANINGFUL AND THE MEATY – 31 =-.

  83. HA! Looks/sounds like something MY sister and I would do!

    So did your mom get a kick out of them, or does she wonder where she went wrong?! 🙂

    .-= Pearl´s last blog ..I Claim This Bus in the Name of France =-.

  84. I wish I could have an email conversation like this with my Mom. Actually I wish I could just have an email conversation with her, she doesn’t even have the internets! Which means when I go home for a visit, I damn near go insane, I have to take drastic measures like reading books. Crazy I know, but true. And I wonder what it would take to convince my cat Scribble to let me wrap him up? Probably an unspecified, but large amount of tuna in non-sequentially marked cans…
    .-= residuetiger´s last blog ..Conan, Bay, and the Twilight Zone =-.

  85. I could never send email’s like this to my mom. My poor mother is so easily confused.
    .-= Crystal´s last blog ..The RETURN of the Lambo doors… =-.

  86. There’s far worse things in life than cat sex. Your mother should be proud!!
    .-= Belle´s last blog ..Out of the Mouths of Babes. Rude Babes. =-.

  87. Your mom and sister can actually access and use an email account? My mom can’t even turn her computer on. You are so lucky.
    .-= annie´s last blog ..#fridayflash – Birdsong =-.

  88. 88
    The Original Lisa

    Lisa is a saint….and HOT! Also her kid is cold since her aunt stole her jacket. Please send a sweater.

  89. If I sent these to my mom, she would NOT UNDERSTAND AT ALL.
    .-= Aimee Greeblemonkey´s last blog ..Artist Intro: Lucy Schwartz + MORE Haiti Relief =-.

  90. LOL. Damn, I wish my mom wasn’t terrified of computers. I would SO send her stuff like that
    .-= Suz´s last blog ..Hey VANOC! Get your head out of your ass! =-.

  91. I don’t remember the last time Mum & I exchanged emails. We do, however, trade messages on FaceBook on occassion, which is probably the saddest thing one can admit to, except maybe you follow each other on Twitter. Or you trade messages on adultfriendfinder.com…

    Oh. My. God.

    I was trying to be oh-so-humorous, but I just grossed myself out so much I almost threw up!
    .-= Dudge OH´s last blog ..They’ll Be Dancing In The Streets of Heaven Tonight… =-.

  92. Your mom was giving that cat to my dog for Christmas. And you blew it. THAT’S why she’s not talking to you.
    .-= Julie´s last blog ..If Charles in Charge was a Girl. And a Dictator. Resolution #7 =-.

  93. Remember when I wanted to interview your mom & dad while I was in Texas? And you said no, you wanted to save and exploit them for your own purposes? I can totally see why. They’re funny even on the side.
    .-= Jane Devin´s last blog ..Texas: Gracious People, A Good Shirt, and a Little Bless Your Heart =-.

  94. Oh this reminds me of that scene in Swingers where the call call the woman for the first time and has a converstaion that ultimately leads to him breaking up with her. Except he hasn’t gone out with her yet and the conversation is all by himself on her answering machine.

    One’s own mind can be a dangerous neighborhood.

  95. Ahahaha. Hahahaha. YES! I am glad I am not the only one that does this kind of stuff.

    Just be thankful your mom does not have a Facebook account. Mine does, and I made the mistake of posting that she looked like an up-right corpse in one of her pictures. The entire Facebook world collapsed on me soon after.

    Except replace entire Facebook world with all of my mother’s friends and you have a better approximation of what actually happened.

  96. I laughed SO hard I cried. My dogs enjoyed as well. My mom would probably never speak to me again. She’s not this much fun. Thank you for making me laugh like this every day!

  97. As I’m reading this, I’m on the phone with my dad, walking him through how to attach a file to his email.


    He’ll never send me a kitty condom video.

    Although, he did used to ask why anyone would want to look at “kitty porn”.
    .-= Amo´s last blog ..The Stronger Sex =-.

  98. I find it odd that people are still wrapping cats to begin with…don’t most people use gift bags now? You know, “Don’t let the cat out of the bag!”… until Christmas. Isn’t that where that saying came from anyway?

  99. I just can’t wait for the next family get together – I DO hope you’ll write about it!
    .-= Jane´s last blog ..Top 20 Songs Played On My iPod – Or, I Got Nothin’ For Tunes For Tuesday =-.

  100. Surely she’s used to this sort of thing by now. “Oh look, more insane emails from Jenny. And there’s a sale at Macy’s!”
    .-= Steve´s last blog ..Jenny’s Got a T-Shirt =-.

  101. Your cat won’t wear a condom? Really? Hmmm. It’s not that hard… Er– difficult. 😉
    .-= Kevin´s last blog ..It’s A Two-fer Tues-Monday =-.

  102. I love you, your mom, your sister, and Gabi.

    p.s. Your cat is an irresponsible jerk!
    .-= submom´s last blog ..We are all in this =-.

  103. You very explicitly told your sister not to open those e-mails. *Now* who’s the idiot?
    Between this and the whole possibly-Diet Dr. Pepper incident, it’s obvious you two are related.
    .-= Sarah´s last blog ..No C-U-Next-Tuesday; Duggar time! =-.

  104. My mother has just aboot mastered email.

    However, thanx to my brother and nephew being forward-everything-and-the-kitchen-sink email-tards, she rarely uses it.

    I also made the mistake of telling her where my blog wuz.

    However, I didn’t mention that I didn’t use my real name on it, so I’m hoping she got confuzzled and fergot aboot it…
    .-= Andrew Ironwood´s last blog ..Found Poem From Someone Else’s Random Text Generator Output/Filler =-.

  105. Gmail has a function you can add that cracks me up. You know how we sometimes get drunk and send e-amils we shouldn’t have- not that Jenny was drunk when she sent these, I’m guessing it was more fun sober- BUT you can add a “drunk guard” to your e-mail account that makes you solve simple math problems before the program will let you send. How awesome is that?
    .-= Christina Bell´s last blog ..I Can’t Seem to Think of a Title That Doesn’t Include "Delta" and Various Profanities…… =-.

  106. Lldb, thanks, but ilm a dude. I won’t dispute the dirty whore part.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Batman: Inside The Cave – 3rd edition =-.

  107. My mother forwards me Jesus powerpoint presentations. I don’t even have powerpoint. Sorry Jesus.
    .-= Beck´s last blog ..Nudie Pictures =-.

  108. hahahahahahaha thats amazing

  109. I end up doing stuff like this all the time too.
    Only I have no siblings, so I have to blame it on one of my Mom’s dogs.
    It works better than you would think.

  110. Don’t kill the messenger but your mother doesn’t reply because your emails go directly in her junk mail.
    Your sister may be partly responsible.

  111. Oh, and another thing. I’ve been reading this blog since the last decade and this is the first that I’m hearing about a sister. I’m afraid that I’m going to need to see her birth certificate. And perhaps a few tax returns. Just the federal, I’m not some kind of a freak.
    .-= Marinka´s last blog ..Other Things Admitted by John Edwards =-.

  112. I just found this blog via the blog awards and I am CRYING with laughter at this..you are definitely added to my daily reads!

  113. –>You can email me any time because I would be entertained For Sure!
    .-= WebSavvyMom.com´s last blog ..Flashback Friday (Part 46) – Goo Goo Dolls =-.

  114. My mom would just respond to me by saying, “I don’t remember raising you—a psycho of a daughter :)” No joke. That’s her being kind. And yes, she’s even cool enough these days to do the smiley face.

  115. Laughing as always. If I had a cat I’d totally do shit like that to them. And a sister too.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Implements of Sleeping Convenience =-.

  116. So. hard. to. laugh. silently. at. desk.

    Aaaah! This is too funny!!

  117. you’re lucky.
    if I had sent all these weird mails,
    my mother would have sent over my sister to make sure
    I haven’t hit my head on the nightstand again or something.

  118. Laughed so hard I cried!

  119. I was really hoping you were going to tell us that your sister and niece were the ones wrapping the cat. I wanted to know how many times they had to rehearse that because it seems like it was down to a science. I don’t even wrap things that aren’t alive that precisely. (Uh, like, inanimate objects… I’m not saying I wrap dead things….)

  120. […] is a damn riot. … other posts by […]

  121. 121
    Lady Penelope

    That’s gold!

    My Mum takes weeks to respond to anything I send her but when she finally does, she hits ‘send’ so many goddamn times it blocks my email.

    You win this round, Mum.

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