A few days ago they announced the Bloggie Award winners and unsurprisingly I lost in both of the categories I was a finalist in. Victor was out of town so I called him to tell him.
me: They just announced the winners of the Bloggie Awards.
Victor: The one where you got disqualified because your boss is a cat?
me: No. The other one.
Victor: Oh yeah. “World’s Greatest Grampa.” So you won?
me: No, I lost.
Victor: Wow. So you’re not even World’s Greatest Grampa. How embarrassing. For you.
And it wasn’t really embarrassing because I never should have even been in the category of “Best Writing” since I can’t even use apostrophes correctly and also because all week I was flooded with very nice emails (honestly, don’t stop) telling me that my latest post had a typo IN THE FUCKING TITLE. And even then I was all “No way. That’s totally how you spell “razerblades” and so I googled it and it was all “did you mean ‘razor blades’ (asshole)?” but I consoled myself with the knowledge that several entries popped up with the wrong spelling too so it was probably a commonly misspelled word but then I looked at the very first entry of people-who-can’t-spell-razor-blades-correctly and it was fucking mine. Then I quickly fixed it but it didn’t matter because Google was all “No way. That shit’s never washing off” and for days it was the first thing that showed up when you googled “razerblades” because Google is unforgiving and apparently isn’t over the shit I pulled last month.
Touché, Google.
Anyway, I’ve decided to just give up on ever winning awards and instead I’m just gonna make some up because really, who’s gonna check? Nobody. So today I’m awarding myself “Leader in the Field of Innovative Literary Efficiency” because last week I was thinking that instead of saying “lettuce” we should all just say “let’ce” because if you can shorten “let us” to “let’s” then the same principle should apply. I just saved you a syllable every time you ask someone for “let’ce” Except that then you’ll have to spend a few minutes explaining what “let’ce” is but it’ll be worth it because you’re helping others to save syllables too and I’m pretty sure that counts toward your community service hours. You’re welcome. And thank you for the award recognizing my literary contributions even though I had to award it to myself. And also, it’s about fucking time. Honestly, how long have I stood here with no awards? Too long. In fact, I’m going to make up a bunch of them and if you want one then I officially bestow it upon you as the official Czar (of Nothingness) of Martindale Texas. Pick an award, y’all. You earned it. Probably.
Congratulations, winner.
Comment of the day: Now you jinxed yourself. Enjoy being eaten by a bear. ~ Marinka
(Honorable mention: most strangely in-depth comment of the day goes to Neil for this baffling bit of awesomeness.)