You DESERVE this.

A few days ago they announced the Bloggie Award winners and unsurprisingly I lost in both of the categories I was a finalist in.   Victor was out of town so I called him to tell him.

me:  They just announced the winners of the Bloggie Awards.

Victor:  The one where you got disqualified because your boss is a cat?

me:  No.  The other one.

Victor:  Oh yeah.  “World’s Greatest Grampa.”  So you won?

me:  No, I lost.

Victor:  Wow. So you’re not even World’s Greatest Grampa.  How embarrassing.  For you.

And it wasn’t really embarrassing because I never should have even been in the category of “Best Writing” since I can’t even use apostrophes correctly and also because all week I was flooded with very nice emails (honestly, don’t stop) telling me that my latest post had a typo IN THE FUCKING TITLE.  And even then I was all “No way.  That’s totally how you spell “razerblades” and so I googled it and it was all “did you mean ‘razor blades’ (asshole)?” but I consoled myself with the knowledge that several entries popped up with the wrong spelling too so it was probably a commonly misspelled word but then I looked at the very first entry of people-who-can’t-spell-razor-blades-correctly and it was fucking mine.  Then I quickly fixed it but it didn’t matter because Google was all “No way.  That shit’s never washing off” and for days it was the first thing that showed up when you googled “razerblades” because Google is unforgiving and apparently isn’t over the shit I pulled last month.

Touché, Google.

Anyway, I’ve decided to just give up on ever winning awards and instead I’m just gonna make some up because really, who’s gonna check?  Nobody. So today I’m awarding myself “Leader in the Field of Innovative Literary Efficiency” because last week I was thinking that instead of saying “lettuce” we should all just say “let’ce” because if you can shorten “let us” to “let’s” then the same principle should apply.  I just saved you a syllable every time you ask someone for “let’ce”  Except that then you’ll have to spend a few minutes explaining what “let’ce” is but it’ll be worth it because you’re helping others to save syllables too and I’m pretty sure that counts toward your community service hours.  You’re welcome.  And thank you for the award recognizing my literary contributions even though I had to award it to myself. And also, it’s about fucking time.  Honestly, how long have I stood here with no awards?  Too long.  In fact, I’m going to make up a bunch of them and if you want one then I officially bestow it upon you as the official Czar (of Nothingness) of Martindale Texas.  Pick an award, y’all.  You earned it.  Probably.

Congratulations, winner.

Comment of the day: Now you jinxed yourself. Enjoy being eaten by a bear. ~ Marinka

(Honorable mention: most strangely in-depth comment of the day goes to Neil for this baffling bit of awesomeness.)

296 thoughts on “You DESERVE this.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Holy cats woman, you forgot the most important award of ALL
    Best practical application of felines.
    Your contributions to society are unquestionably superior.
    Best non-zombie review of Target shopping experiences.
    Brilliant. Really.

  2. Oh, Bloggess, you can have all my awards. I actually don’t have any yet, but I’m starting a new job in a week and a half and am planning on getting a lot. And then you can have them, because you are hella funny.


  3. I killed a Unicorn once. But that is because I thought it was a Narwhal. Why I was Narwhal hunting in the woods is another story entirely.
    .-= William´s last blog ..Never Have =-.

  4. Now I have to go around and apologize AGAIN to all my coworkers for interrupting their busy workday with my laughter. It’s my third strike, too. So that’s another job I’ve lost because of you.

    We’re not naming the baby after you now — I mean, I still wanted to. But the missus says Blogess Camp sounds like a Womyn’s Weekend Retreat. So now the baby is loses out too.
    Thanks lady. Somewhere deep in her womb-like, uh, womb, my baby girl is crying. Because of you. Again.
    .-= T.M. Camp´s last blog ..The Trouble with Reading =-.

  5. Well I humbly accept my award for not intentionally killing anyone. Thanks for that.
    Except I took my mom’s dog to the vet and held her while they put her to sleep so DAMN IT I think I loose. I totally intentionally caused her to be dead, but not out of meanness or anything, I WAS BEING KIND!
    I give up.
    .-= Ariel´s last blog ..Unmanned =-.

  6. WOO! Thanks for my award for knowing the difference between its and it’s. I finally won something!

  7. I also find it ironic (I am not sure the of the use of the word Ironic) that you say in one paragraph you don’t know how to use apostrophes but then in the next paragraph you want to shorten lettuce with an apostrophe.

    How am I supposed to trust your spelling of Let’ce? Hmmm? Maybe it is Letc’e.
    .-= William´s last blog ..Never Have =-.

  8. I’m pleased to say I could have won at least three of those awards. The others….well, there’s always next year. Unless I actually do get devoured by bears.
    .-= Suzanne´s last blog ..A day without snow =-.

  9. i have tried to teach people the difference between IT IS (it’s) and belonging to IT (its).

    i would use the example, “the dog wagged it is tail.” Doesn’t work? then no apostrophe.

    Possessive pronouns (his, hers, ours, its, theirs) do not use apostrophes.
    contractions DO (he + is = he’s, it + is = it’s)

    but this makes me an asshole, so i can’t get the not asshole award…

  10. I want an award for Most Superior Sweet, Tender Loving. And for Superior Pet Ownership.

    Separate awards, pervs.

  11. Sadly, I’m not sure that any of those apply to me – even the ‘still being alive’ one.

    Who’s the sad sack today, huh? I AM, I AM.

    It’s a fabulous idea, though. I’m thinking you might be the Susan Lucci of blogging, huh? Your day will come, my dear, and hopefully it won’t have any razorblades.
    .-= JustLinda´s last blog ..Dr. Seuss took LSD =-.

  12. I was wondering how long it was going to take for someone to realize that I’d never killed a unicorn. Thank you for this prestigious award.

  13. you are so awesome that there needs to be a word set aside to *just* describe YOUR awesomeness. like… the bloggess, she’s ~fabulawesome~. excelfabulawesometabulous. or something.

  14. I’m totally taking the award for knowing the difference between “it’s” and “its” because I’m all over that shit, yo. So thank you. I deserve it.
    .-= TeacherMommy´s last blog ..Release =-.

  15. How am I supposed to fake frown at my computer (proof I’m a diligent worker) when I’m giggling in my office?!

    Does this mean I lose?

  16. If you kill a unicorn, the blood is so psychedelically cool. All colors and sparkles and smelling like vanilla.

    For the record, I won’t be getting that one. Obviously.
    .-= MommaKiss´s last blog ..Pretty Things. =-.

  17. I used to take notes in a weird shorthand that used apostophes, dots and lines for all the vowels in a word.
    See, you’re not the only one who comes up with brilliant ideas no one’s interested in.

    I’m all over that apostrophe award. I never get that sh*t wrong.

  18. Your commentors are also very funny. I can’t compete–but you already promised to be my best, best friend. No going backsies! Thanks so much for making me laugh. I agree with arin721. You need your own word to describe all the wonderfulness that is Jenny.

  19. So is it bad that I sent the everyone’s an asshole but me to my kids on their phones at school?
    Teenagers suck sometimes!!

  20. Every single one of these will make great gifts for the people in my life, except my husband because I already custom ordered a tiny trophy for his truck that reads “World’s Greatest Driver.” Also? I probably shouldn’t pass the Bear one to our great uncle because as luck would have it (not his luck) he was actually mauled by a bear. That one might sting a bit.

  21. i totally would have voted for you in the best “ANYTHING” category.

    because as much as you say your readers do for you, we can say the same back…multiplied by at least ten.

    well, at the very least, multiplied by eight. so i rounded up.

    you’re welcome. every little bit, right?


  22. Okay, the twitter one is totally me. So I accept. I’d like to thank the academy, the Frog Pond Holler Arts Commission and my dog, Pupzilla.

  23. dude. their loss. I mean, who could do a better acceptance … ermm… ‘performance’… than the bloggess. I rest my case.
    .-= Kimberlee´s last blog ..ah-choo. =-.

  24. Well I grew up Roman Catholic where even thinking something is the same as doing it, so I’m pretty sure I lost the Never Intentionally Killing Anyone award. But I’m rocking that Still Alive thing…In your face Dodo!
    .-= Karen´s last blog ..Because of you =-.

  25. If you know the difference between it’s and its, and you are good about not just sticking apostrophes in most plurals, you’re ahead of most Americans (and the British, according to Lynne Truss), so accolades to you.

    I’ve always had a problem with village, wanting to write it “villiage” and then stupid came out and screwed me up even more.
    .-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..March On =-.

  26. I will graciously accept ALL of these awards, thank you very much! Ok, all except the unicorn one because I actually HAVE killed a unicorn before but I won’t bother explaining it here because it’s a really long story. Also, I don’t need PETA to get all up in my ass over it and I don’t want to be covered in red paint. Thanks though!
    .-= Jen @ lifelove’n’wine´s last blog ..How They Find Me – Take 2 =-.

  27. I thought you told me at last year’s BlogHer – making me promise that I would never tell anyone — that you DID once kill a unicorn.

    Remember — when you were driving down the I-95 that one night and you were listening to that Christian rock station, and you tried to change the station, but you were in a part of town where every station was a Christian rock station, and it was driving you crazy, turning the radio back and forth, and you forgot to focus on the road, when THUD, you hit something.

    “What is it?” you asked.

    You jumped out of the car. It was a snowy cold night. You sighed in relief that it wasn’t a human being or a cute dog. But it wasn’t a deer either. This wasn’t deer country. You bent down, lifting up the green dress you wore, the one you just bought to impress your friends at the high school reunion with all the weight you lost since you starting running marathons. But whatever was lying on the floor by your feet, motionless, was dead. Blood was splattered on your front lights.

    You took a closer look. It was an unusual animal. It was white, long coiffed hair like a 70’s rock star, with one prominent horn.

    “Can it be a unicorn?” you asked yourself, shuddering with horror. A car sped by. You were freezing.

    Your thoughts were as jumbled as a puzzle. “Did they see me? Will they call the cops? How would this affect my growing blog success? Will my fans still love me, once I am known as The Unicorn Killer. Granted, I never win the Bloggies, but I am invited to talk at conferences and promote sex toys. Will this destroy my career. Will I be the blogosphere’s Tiger Woods? Pee-Wee Herman? Fatty Arbuckle?”

    There was only one solution.

    Using your high heels, you started to scoop up the dirt in the adjacent forest, until there was a deep hole. Sweat was running down your chest. You dragged the unicorn, your arm muscles buckling under the pressure. You had to tug his long tail, which was trapped under your back tire. It started to rain. You continued to bury the unicorn, the mud on your face, insanity in your eyes. You screamed at the moon. You stripped off your clothes, dirtying yourself. You had become an animal yourself.

    After several hours, the unicorn was buried. The horror was over. No one would ever know what you did. You washed your dress in a nearby river and dried it in the warm morning sun. You bathed, dressed, and brushed your hair back, ready to go back to your suburban home, your wife and child, as if nothing had ever happened. But as you walked away, vowing never to return, to never tell ANYONE about the worst night ever, there was a movement in the dirt by the tree where your evil had been hidden. The one horn of the unicorn SHOT UP out of her own dark grave, like a marker, a tombstone from HELL, as if saying that one day, someone, somewhere, will tell my story, will tell the world about Jenny, the Bloggess — the Unicorn Killer!

    Fellow bloggers, do not believe what she writes!
    .-= Neil´s last blog ..My Current Situation, Clearly Explained =-.

  28. It’s moments like this when I turn to a good ol’ Beckett quote: Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

    Or even better, I allow Beckett to remind me that our achievements don’t really add up to much anyway. Take, for instance, counting your copious farts, and realizing you don’t fart copiously after all (sigh):

    One day I counted them. Three hundred and fifteen farts in nineteen hours, or an average of over sixteen farts an hour. After all, it’s not excessive. Four farts every fifteen minutes. It’s nothing. Not even one fart every four minutes. It’s unbelievable. Damn it, I hardly fart at all, I should never have mentioned it. Extraordinary how mathematics help you to know yourself.

  29. Not that my coworkers didn’t already think I was nuts, but when I’m laughing out loud for no good reason, they’re absolutely convinced! I can’t do the frown intently at my computer while playing Mafia Wars on FB thing. And I certainly can’t frown at the computer when there’s a new post here. Crap, I guess I won’t be getting that award. Smacked down by another of life’s disappointments…sigh.
    .-= a´s last blog ..Show and Tell – My Valentines =-.

  30. Google *is* an asshole! But it calls me “dumbass”, when it brings up what I had MEANT to say.

    Little does smartypants Google know that I do that on purpose, because if it’s going to be so smart, then *it* can just spell the word and then I don’t have to guess!

  31. I want the “Hasn’t killed a ‘wild’ turkey who is pooping all over her yard because shooting wildlife in the city limits is illegal” award. Or I’ll take the Dodo. I think I’m on life number 7 right now.

    And I’m with Curvy. Ignore Google, she’s a smartypants and probably no fun at parties.
    .-= Edgy Mama´s last blog ..Free tickets to new musical Spring Awakening =-.

  32. I love the Still Alive one…that’s the shit. I’m definately going to award myself one, or two, or all of them.

  33. As a redhead, I would like to claim the award for “Still Alive” due to the horrid fact that many people would like to see us Gingers extinguished (my girlfriend being one of them).
    Us firecrotches need to stick together – we’re the Pandas of the human race, and shan’t end up like the Dodos.

    Thank you for supporting, and awarding us, Jenny.
    .-= Meg´s last blog ..A Quick Convo Between Me and Smash. =-.

  34. I. . . I don’t know what to say. All my life I’ve prided myself on knowing the difference between it’s and its, including scoring a point on my mom once because I knew this (trust me, that’s a big deal). And now I’ve been recognized the Leader in the Field for knowing the difference between “its” and “it’s.” This is so huge.

    I’d like to thank my English teachers — except Mrs. Taylor who was an old crank — for teaching me — oh, and Mr. Jenkins who paddled me several times in the 5th grade — about the importance of properly — you know, Mr. Kellems was kind of jerk for not allowing us to use a computer for our term paper class when I was a junior — using apostrophes.

  35. I can’t believe you didn’t win. I’m going to go punch the award winners in the throat.

  36. I’ve never, ever killed a unicorn. How did you know? Thank you for the awesome award.

    I’d like to thank the academy. And the unicorns. If they weren’t so dam adorable, I’d be shooting their asses right now for all the glitter shits in my yard.

    oh crap, did I say that out loud? I’ll um, be going now. *runs off with award* YOU CAN’T HAVE IT BACK!!
    .-= Issa´s last blog ..11 years, the new forever =-.

  37. I would like the apostrophe one. And the its/it’s. Because I get grammar rage, and I’d like to have something to show for it besides frown lines and a stroke.

    I can’t believe you didn’t win the writing award. Anyone who uses fuck and asshole as much as you should have been a shoe-in.

  38. Its so nice that someone recognizes how dificult it is to understand the difierence between it’s and its. Its hard, but I’m so good at it I deserve that award.

  39. With the Razerblades thing, here I thought you were making a play on the gaming equipment company Razer’s name and so didn’t correct you.

    And for the twitter award, I’ve figured out that if you look at the screen with a combo of puzzled and annoyed, (works best if you’re IT, a programmer or web designer), people just leave you alone anyway. If you mute the speakers, you can even get away with playing World Of Warcraft.

  40. Aw, sorry kid. But at least you were nominated (it’s nearly Oscar giveaway – so I’ll pimp the loser’s response). I have never been nominated for anything and I do know the difference between “it’s” and “its”.

    I would take the “frowning at the screen” aware but according to my husband I have more of a dazed zombie look. I haven’t killed a unicorn, that I am aware of, but as my husband enjoys taking me out into the wilderness for vacations, I can’t say that I’ll never be eaten by a bear for sure.

    What I need really is a “lives in a haunted house without freaking out most of the time” badge. Can you make me one of those? I really suck at badges (okay, really – I am way too lazy).
    .-= annie´s last blog ..Northern Lights =-.

  41. OK, here is a completely serious comment… you should go on one of those t-shirt websites and make all of these available as shirts. Also put on the bottom so people will know where to find more of your awesomeness. Seriously, all you do is upload the pictures, set the price to sell them for and they print them as needed and send you a check.

    Also, I know you’re probably super busy, but my daughter made a 2 and a half minute stop animation of attacking monkeys that I’m sure you’d appreciate.
    .-= Wendy´s last blog ..Weird Kid Wednesday- Video Production =-.

  42. You’re so funny! And you could also call the “Leader in the field of pretending you’re working…” to the George Costanza Award–or just the Costanza award. I actually used that little trick two or three times today!
    .-= gingela5´s last blog ..Who Wants to Win Something… =-.

  43. BTW, on dodos, reminds me of a quote I like. Well, a thought, as I can’t remember the exact quote. It’s something like –

    I never intend to die / intend to live forever. It’s working so far.
    .-= My Baby Sweetness´s last blog ..My thoughts on snow =-.

  44. i’m intimidated by all the competition for the still alive award. (will there be a runoff?)

    i’m mostly wondering, your czarness, if you would consider adding an award for going to the dentist and coming home with an eyepatch.

    even my dentist said he’d heard of this happening before but i was his first. his FIRST.
    totally award worthy, no?

    most humbly yours.
    .-= tara´s last blog ..weekly winners :: end of february 2010 =-.

  45. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand once again, Google outs itself as a pompous fuckstick.

  46. I totally think you’re the world’s best grandpa. I don’t care what anyone says.

    And you’re absolutely right. I totally deserve that award for not killing anyone intentionally.

    .-= Spot´s last blog ..Let your freak flag fly… =-.

  47. The bear one is all mine. Helps that we don’t have bears here, but whatever.

    Also the not intentionally killing anyone, I think I’ll have that one too. It shows my restraint in times of stress and stabbiness.

  48. I think these would make great T-Shirts for your Minions. I know I’d pay to use my chest to taunt dodos.

  49. I’d like to proudly accept the award for never killing a unicorn. However, I’m very important and so I must accept this award while texting on my phone while driving. I knew from the time I was a little girl that I’d never kill… (THUMP THUMP). Was that a horn?

    Oh shit.
    .-= Busted Kate´s last blog ..Uncorking the Wine. Apparently. =-.

  50. Your awesomeness <—– that is you.
    I may or may not take them, depending on my mood and stamina in taking an award but if I decide to take them, i want the killing ones. No I am not at all disturbed.

  51. Genius. I WANT all these awards but am afraid that I may have, at some point, actually killed a unicorn.

    And where is the Rocks A Cat On Her Head award? Because the fact is that my cat crawls up on my pillow in the middle of the night and becomes a Cat Hat. So I totally deserve that award.

  52. Award shows are meaningless–do not give in to the zeitgeist! (They never gave Mozart an award for anything, and he was pretty cool, you have to admit.) Weirdly enough, this being awards season, I did a post about it, too.
    .-= Mr. Paul Maul´s last blog ..WHY AWARDS SHOWS SUCK =-.

  53. i want the “looking angry at twitter while pretending to doo-doo-diligence.”

    in your face doo-doo.

  54. I’m taking the unicorn one because one time I had a dream that I had a pet unicorn and then my boyfriend bashed its head in with a rock. I’m going to print out the award and put it on my refrigerator and when my boyfriend asks me what it is, I’ll be like “An award for never having killed a unicorn which you can’t be a part of because you bashed my unicorn’s head in with a rock.”
    .-= Allie´s last blog ..I CAN’T FEEL MY FACE!!! =-.

  55. I could totally go for sending these out on cheap plaques with a signed letter of authenticity from The Bloggess. Not quite the Xmas card, but good all year around. Cost? I’d send the bear one to Stephen Colbert and pretending to work to Conan O’Brien since they still refuse to follow you on twitter. Asshats!
    .-= mousebert´s last blog ..Sad news update about Chippy =-.

  56. Oh holy hell. I want all these awards. I’ve often thought that should there be an award for “sobbing into a hand towel while locked in the bathroom with the kids like wolves at the door” I’d totally win. I’m not sure what that badge would look like though. Cluttered I would guess. Still.
    .-= tara´s last blog ..The Rewards are Endless =-.

  57. Shit. I was so hoping people just didn’t notice when I fucked up the its vs it’s thing Obviously they do if getting it right is award worthy. Summabitch. I might as well go kill a Unicorn while I’m at it.
    .-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..Seven Toes, No Waiting =-.

  58. I am totally stealing these to pass out as achievement awards at work.
    My coworkers can place them next to the “virtual windows” I installed on their cube walls (pictures on copy paper).
    I’m all about inspirational motivation, yo .

  59. I peed a little when I saw your awards because I JUST had a conversation with a friend of mine who insisted that I was an idiot for having just mastered its and it’s. I have NO IDEA why it was so hard for me, it just was. I also could never say ‘Europe’ as a child, still have trouble adding 8 + 5 and have only recently mastered spelling ‘definitely’. Some of us are slow and we appreciate the awards!!!

  60. Thank you for recognizing my success in not *intentionally* killing people (babies don’t count, right?). Would you consider creating an award for the ‘Highest Achievement in Making Others Feel Like Shit’ – you know, for the people who point out our mistakes when, hmm, we didn’t ask?
    .-= Simone´s last blog ..Girl Scout cookies are laced =-.

  61. This is ingenious. If we shorten words, we’re actually saving time. I seriously doubt the Mayans factored this in to their calculations. You may have bought us another 2-3 years. And in that time I’m sure you’ll figure out how to save us again. So I’d like to add to the list of your prestigious awards: The “Bruce Willis? Fuck Bruce Willis.” It’s a major award. The button is being handcrafted by… Swedes or something. I’ll make some calls. See what’s taking so long.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..I told you the aliens were here. I’m like Randy Quaid in Independence Day but more drunk. =-.

  62. *wipes perfect single tear from cheek* I can’t begin to express what a deep honour it is to finally have my many achievements and hard work recognized. I have led in the field of dreams in silence, fought a unicorn with my bare hands and let it live to rue the day, escaped certain devouring by bears and managed to stay alive to this day, toiling to make others aware of the difference between “its” and “it’s” in the shadows of society. And now, after my many years of stoic suffering, to be presented with so many awards truly representative of my most heroic feats…I’m overcome with emotion. Thank you, Bloggess, thank you for understanding and acknowledging what I have overcome to be standing here with you today.
    .-= josibear´s last blog ..Toilets Everywhere! =-.

  63. I’m not a greedy person…mostly…so I took the Dodo one simply because it made me laugh so loud I scared the dog :). Thank you…now I have to clean up puppy pee. (the “thanks” and “puppy pee” are totally unrelated).
    .-= Kendra´s last blog ..I Did It!! =-.

  64. While i know we were told to pick one i picked about 4 or five. 🙂
    i wonder if there is a award that says my boyfriend MUST be banging his xbox because that bitch see’s him a lot more then i do. I’d totally fucking win that one. Kidding….if his xbox friends knew…that he plays that shit nekked. They prolly wouldn’t play with him as often….

    .-= Crystal´s last blog ..AND the AWARDS just keep rolling in!!! =-.

  65. aaaaaaaaaaah, can’t get enough. for real. also: just told the boyf (who’s originally from texas) we could move to houston because then i could LITERALLY stalk you as well as my internet stalking, since we’re looking to move away from expensive orange county. he said no. the campaign to persuade him starts… now.

  66. I was hoping to win in the category of knowing that “virtually everywhere” and “absolutely everywhere” are not the same thing. Since that didn’t even make the finals, I’ll add this award, and give it to myself: “Mom who survived having a teenage daughter.”
    .-= Barbara´s last blog ..Hey Batter Batter =-.

  67. I once wasted some firefighter’s time, back in the 90s. Dag that was fun, too, she was super strong and basically a hero healer–once bravely removed an earring that had tried to become permanently attached to my body. But her time wasn’t too valuable if you ask me, the siren never rang while I was there…they hung out a lot WAITING, and this was before the Internet, so they did things like play spades and renovate Karmen Ghias behind the station. They probably just surf and read blogs now. So..hey Cindy! How’s it been?
    .-= Deb´s last blog ..Road Trip Rituals and Rossellini =-.

  68. I am so awarding myself … “Leader in the field of pretending you’re working by frowning angrily at your computer so that it looks like you’re super diligent when actually you’re updating your twitter status.” … I’m honored!
    .-= Natacha´s last blog ..Parenting 101.13 …The Suit =-.

  69. I was chortling until I got to the last one…”Still alive…In Your Face, dodo” Then I was cracking up. Did you make all of these up??

  70. I have never won one of those stupid awards, so I’m giving myself at least one of them. I think it’ll be the its/it’s one since that makes me so crazy to see screwed up, I have to sit on my hands to not correct people.

    Thank you for the award! It’s nice to be recognized.
    .-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Happy New Year! =-.

  71. So basically what you are saying is if I make up enough bogus contractions and get other people to use them too then I can go to Disney for free AND have Michele Obama stop flexing her guns at me? Rock on, Jenny. You’re right, I t’ly d’rve th’s – t’nks!

    (im goin to disneyworld bitches)

  72. Haha. The irony for me is that I only found your site because of those bloggie awards, and after voting for you without having read your blog just because I liked the name, I ended up following it religiously. That might not really be irony. It might just be coincidence. Nonetheless, just think of all those idiots out there voting for sites they’ve never read. In the “Best Written” category. Your awards sound much cooler anyway.
    .-= Ross´s last blog ..Why Don’t You Just Use it to Pick Up Chicks, Then? =-.

  73. This is going to be a serious comment. I think. I haven’t finished it yet.
    I went to the winning site in the humour category, the Walmart thing. Jenny, I don’t know if your site should have won or not. I’m a relatively new follower of your stuff.

    But that Walmart thing sucked. From what I could see, its main concept is that people who shop at, or work at Walmart are a) fools, b) mentally retarded, or, c) just worth laughing at because of a) or b).

    Stay with what you have here, Jenny. It’s great stuff, and as so many others have said, it’s wonderful to get a daily smile out of it.

  74. WHY would you WANT to kill a unicorn?

    I can’t believe you even need a sign for that. Do you want to kill a unicorn? Do I have to call you a unicorn killer? Or a unicorn killer wannabe? What.the.fuck?

    I might be a little upset, and disappointed.
    .-= statia´s last blog ..Putting the fan in profanity. =-.

  75. Dear Kenny,

    I would like to nominate myself for two things. “Typoes” and “Not Intentionally Killing Anyone for X Days.”

    Regarding the first nomination, I find meself often flestered with the many many Spelling Gurus that lurk on my sight and don’t ever have the Bawls to tell me when I make a mistake. You see, your fans rock, because they actually tell you when your shite is messed up. Mine just giggle and save it up for when they see me next.

    Regarding the second nomination. Well. To be clear. I’ve never once killed anyone intentionally, my entire life, despite keeping a list (I’ll blog about The List soon) of everyone the undeniably needs a little bit a good ol’ Tony-Culling…I have showed the resolve of…well…a LOT of resolve and I think I should get the award 😉

    Okay. that was a BIG comment and I dont comment so. um. ciao bella!

    .-= Tony hunt´s last blog ..Surprises from the News =-.

  76. From the grave after dying by being devoured by a bear while on holiday in Canada: I cant believe I cant even win awards invented by some loser bloggess woman that can’t even win any awards that she doesn’t make herself. Once again, I lose.

  77. I’ve never killed a unicorn. But I *might* have crippled one. It’s really dark on these Georgia highways! Wait. When animals like that break a leg, they die, don’t they? Or are Unicorns exempt because they’re all magical? Or do animals like that just die because their owners then shoot them? Oh, the questions.
    Oh well. Nevermind then. I’m obviously a murderer. Got an award for that?
    .-= Sara Plays House´s last blog ..Letter To My Daughter … =-.

  78. I call the “In recognition of not following the Bloggess/Morgan Freeman/ Elizabethian-lady-with-pussy-choker trend of wear cats (dead or alive) on head.” award.
    Thats some tough shit to resist.

  79. I will graciously accept your award for not intentionally killing anyone, which is really hard to do because traffic here is murder. Um, but not in a way that makes me want to commit murder. However if something happens as part of that Defensive Driving thing they talk about in safe driving PSAs and the unicorn* I have strapped to the hood of my car and am using as a carpoon likes his job a little too much, do I still get to keep the I’m Alive and the Dodo Isn’t Award?

    * I pay the unicorn fair wages and he has a short work day. I’m pretty sure that makes him a Fair Trade Unicorn and me a benevolent boss.
    .-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..Are Low VOC Paints Long Lasting? =-.

  80. You have inspired me. Now I want to make up a fuckton of previously-un-made-up awards, and go randomly award them to friends blogs/LJ/facebook/whatfuckingever. I feel this will be a very valuable waste of my time. My final research paper will write itself, right?

  81. I totally need the Leader in the field of knowing the difference between “its” and “it’s.” I know, I’m a word nerd. Hahaha! My co-workers will be so jealous!

  82. Oh! Can I please be a Leader in the Field of Not Intentionally Killing One? I really am a leader in this field! Want to know why? I’m a working mother of a 3 year old and I’m 8 1/2 months pregnant, and yet… I have NEVER committed homicide. I’m a hormonal mess and my feet are swollen and the other day I sneezed in my backyard and definitely peed in my pants as a result, but have I killed anyone? Nope… not intentionally! Plus… I am about to have baby #2, which means soon I will be required to not kill TWO kids, at the same time, instead of just one. So I strongly feel I deserve that award.

  83. I think it’s awesome that you bestowed me with that bear award. I HAVEN’T been devoured by bears. Yet.

    Let me tell you, it’s been a close race. They’ve come knocking on my front door, but I’m not fooled by a wig and cape… anymore.
    Take that bears! I laugh in the face of bear devouring danger!
    .-= followingtheroad´s last blog ..I like to call it resourceful instead of cheap =-.

  84. OH. MY. GOD. The frowning at the computer screen one is SO me. Except I work in law and I really shouldn’t be doing that since like people legitimately depend on me. Fucking twitter, fucking gchat, fucking ruining transsexuals’ lives and dudes who want to sell their books about philosophy outside the public library without being taxed.
    .-= Angela´s last blog ..Living Alone + Paranoia = No Bueno =-.

  85. For the record, I’ve put the last one on my blog. Thanks for thinking of me!! If I knew anything about the computer other than how to spew my thoughts to the world on a near-constant basis, I would make you one. It’s ridiculous you haven’t been showered with awards by now, really.
    .-= Robyn´s last blog ..Death warmed over. =-.

  86. I choose the frowning at my computer so that I no one knows I’m not actually writing my paper award, but then I laughed and my roommate yelled at me for not doing my homework because I told her that was her job, but anyways I think I might be disqualified. I seem to be less good at this pretending to be productive stuff then I thought.
    I guess I’m stuck with never killed a unicorn, then. It’s likely that “Still Alive” award will no longer apply once this paper gets through with me.

  87. Jenny – can you make me a very special award please? Something along the lines of “life after the paranoid former employer saga and still being able to type with a broken right wrist”?

    I know you have it in you and were just waiting for a challenge like that.

    Right? Alternatively get your a*se over to London and we can work on one together, amongst others to be bestowed on the wider blogger community.

    LCM x
    .-= London City Mum´s last blog ..My war wound: ’tis but a scratch =-.

  88. I’m nominating myself for the dodo award this very second. Who is the jury? Do they accept bribes? Don’t look at me like that, I’m sure that’s the way you got it, girl.

  89. Well, being a regular lucid dreamer, I think the “Leader in the field of dreams” is mine.
    You may all applaud my dreams.
    Thank you. I would like to thank S. Laberge who replaced my nightmares with nights full of adventure.

    May there be dreams for everyone! Free dreams people, and you can do whatever you want in them.

  90. Thank you so much for the Twitter award! I’d like to thank my job.. because without internet access, I would be on my blackberry, updating my twitter status.

  91. I think you should make a “Leader in the field of pretending to angrily talk on the phone after yelling at another driver and then realizing you know them” award. And then award it to me.

  92. It looks like I’m going to have to fight some peeps for the “Still Alive” award, as it’s the only one I can truly claim (except I think I just used “it’s” right! Huzzah!).

    Oh, honey, you’ll ALWAYS be the World’s Best Grandpa to me*.

    *One of my granpas died when I was super young and the other was basically a bastard. I’m confident that you’re better than all the rest, too.
    .-= Leslie´s last blog ..Gurgle =-.

  93. Hey!

    You totally deserved to win, this blog is the funniest blog I’ve read in forever, I’m going for a logical reason as to why you didn’t win, as there are more regular housewife (bored) kind of women out there who vote for Ree @ Pioneer Woman.

    It’s not your fault, It’s peoples fault, they need a sense of humour.

  94. I think you should petition Webster’s Dictionary and have them change the spelling, razER blade sounds like it would be much sharper than razOR blade and that’s how we say it, so it must be right and “they” are wrong.

  95. I only had a Grandaddy & a “mom’s dad” so you are totally World’s Greatest Grandpa in my opinion. I voted for you, Grandpa. & I meant it.
    So, how many awards are we allowed? Because I don’t want to toot my own horn here but I mean, *tooooot*, I pretty much qualify for all of them. I guess I’ll just take the most important ones, & link them to charities. Gosh, I am such a good person.
    .-= Ambry´s last blog ..I, Ambry, Do Solemnly Swear That This Will Not Become A Wedding Blog =-.

  96. Hey, I won the Never Killed a Unicorn Award that is SOOO AWESO….wait, uh…..nevermind. Is there one for Found-Mythical-Creature-and Accidentally-Killed-It-With-Your-Farts Award, cause that one is ALL me.
    .-= Amy Phillips´s last blog ..Daily Rant =-.

  97. I spell things wrong on purpose …. because the world is imperfect. When I first started blogging .. I did a post on Tina Fey… except I typed too fast and spelled it Tiny Fey …. 300 other people did the same thing that week and came to my site. I showed up #1 in google and was #2 … spelling her name the same wrong way I did in their article. I LOVE wrong speellings…… 😉
    .-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Sponsored but not really =-.

  98. I definitely want the award for knowing the difference between “its” and “it’s”. Its an award that I will always cherish, especially when its featured on my résumé. Thanks, Bloggess!
    .-= Dingo´s last blog ..Thanks for Nuttin’ =-.

  99. Wow, I actually don’t qualify for the not-falling-down-wells one. I can’t even win a made up award.

  100. In the name of “Literary Efficiency” I thought I’d shorten your “Leader in the Field of Innovative Literacy Efficiency” award into a snappy acronym. I know, HOW smart am I? Anyway, turns out the acronym is LITFOILE. Or Lit Foile. Which just made me think of someone smoking crack and that’s not a good image for an award, is it?

    So, I took it upon myself to do some research for you. Since Google is not really in your good books, I thought I’d start with Wikipedia. Don’t know if that was really a good idea though because when I typed in Lit Foile, it asked me if I meant Lit File, which I think insinuated I’m illiterate. So then I gave Wikipedia another chance and just typed in Foile. Not only did it ask if I meant FOIL, it also gave me a suggestion to look up Folie à deux – which is basically a delusional disorder. Here go read for yourself: Anyway, I ultimately decided that Wikipedia was being a bit douchey and they clearly don’t like you being innovative with literature. Jerks.

    So I resolved to give Google a chance. The good news I thought, is that they didn’t even ASK if I meant Foil! But the really, really bad news is that the 4th hit (haha) was actually a drug forum link with tips on how to smoke crack. No shit!

    So forget the acronym. My little initialization project has fail written all over it. All it does is suggest you spell foil the same way an illiterate crack head does. Or that you’re French and / or delusional.

    Sigh, I tried. So much for me getting an award huh?
    .-= Karen @agentninety9´s last blog ..Courage To Try =-.

  101. I’m turning 50 on Saturday. I’m thinking the Dodo award is appropriate for me in so many ways. Thank you Jenny.

  102. Does the unicorn one still count if it was in self defense. If not I will totally take the one about not *intentionally* killing some one.

  103. I want them all! Well, except for the one about its v. it’s, cause that one is lame and grammar is over-rated. (obviously I am pissed because I don’t qualify for that award, can’t tell the difference and can’t remember even when I’m told. Its a shame…or maybe It’s a shame…whatever, who cares, at least I beat the Dodo. In your freaking face Dodo!!!)

  104. I am SO the winner of the twitter one. I’ve even had people at work tell me they’re afraid to interrupt me because I look so serious. Serious? Seriously catching up on Facebook, y’all.

  105. As the proud recipient of the Leader in the Field of Knowing the Difference Between Its and It’s, I promise to try not to be obnoxious about other people’s grammar. Yes I do notice. But I won’t tell anyone if they don’t want to know. If they do want to know, I will gladly explain. And you all can call me The Grammar Queen, like they do at work.

    That is my solemn vow. Oh, and I’m glad there is not an award for best speller, cause I do suck at that.
    .-= caramama´s last blog ..Like Father, Like Daughter =-.

  106. How about an award for NOT killing all the morons who DON’T know the difference between its and it’s?!? I would totally win that one. (Hmmm. I think double negatives are kinda like time travel. I just got stuck in some kind of paradox!)

    And on a related note, I claim the title of “Sesquipedalian Goddess.” Look it up, bitches.

    National Grammar day rocks!

  107. I totally swore that when I moved from Jaka’s Tea Party to the new site that I wouldn’t put up any badges or ads or fake awards or any of that shit. But I think you just made me fuck that one right up. Thanks. Now I’m a loser AND a winner.
    .-= Ellie Di´s last blog ..Thinking of the Sound of Wind =-.

  108. Yeah I would never be selected to win any “writing” award. But thats ok, I know that I’m just average. I think you should have your own contest and hand out awards for unusual writings. Just a thought.

  109. embeddable code please?

    (i think i’ve earned the unicorn one. i mean, i’ll be sure to confirm that i have prior to slapping the code for the award on my blog. using a complex r&d process that will probably result in several OTHER animals being harmed, but not unicorns.)


    (remember that time we ran across approximately seven lanes of traffic in las vegas to get to the karaoke bar that was, in fact, closed, and instead drank plum wine in the too-hot japanese restaurant and made up a very inventive, unique, never-before-thought-of musical about cats that morphed into a cat casino? that reminds me of an award i deserve for cat-casino-creation. can i have *that* award?)

    (i don’t expect you to create the award for me. i just want your permission, Czar-lady.)

  110. I printed these awards up and put them on the outside on my cube. Unbeknowst to me, my colleagues were in our bosses office getting real rewards for things like professionalism and integrity. When they came out and put them outside their cubes, people came over to congratulate them. I got everyones attention and told them to look at my wall, because I get awarded too-and they should probably respect me more because I have never killed a unicorn. I’m expecting my pink slip in a week. Totally worth it.

  111. I hope I remember to come back and get one of these for my blog. seriously, i shouldn’t read this at work because I laugh out loud and then people mock me, but i can’t help it.

    oh, and my shift button is sorta broke, and so is my pinky, so forgive me for capitalization issues. can I still have the award? My pinky is broken, that’s gotta cut me some slack… right?
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..99? Really? =-.

  112. As a teacher, I have to say that these would be great for my classroom. There’s always that kid that never wins. The one where you go to write his report card and when you try to make your compliment sandwich (nice/mean/nice) you find that’s you’ve got no frickin’ bread.

    So now I can say “So far this year, Johny has not killed a single unicorn. Way to go, Johny.” See how nice that is. So much better than, “Sometimes I stop by Johny’s desk and check his pulse.”
    .-= Christina Bell´s last blog ..Now They Tell Me…. =-.

  113. Thanks for recognizing that I have never been devoured by a bear. It hasn’t always been easy (although I don’t live near any bears or go to any bear hangouts).

  114. Totally giving myself the “never killed a unicorn” award. It’s damn difficult, man, what with me always being surrounded by asshole unicorns and stabbing utensils. I’m a goddamn hero.

  115. Ugh…I am not eligible for the Unicorn one. That little bastard kept crapping on my lawn and he needed to DIE. Plus, the economy isn’t so great and ground beef is expensive. Maybe next year.
    I think you are a kick ass grandpa, BTW. But the nose hair needs a trimming. May I?
    .-= Kadi Prescott @DigitalKadi´s last blog ..The Power Mom List =-.

  116. WHY do i ALWAYS make the mistake of reading your blog during my baby’s naptime??? THE SAME THING HAPPENS EVERY TIME – i get to reading and i start cracking up, then i try to stifle my laughter and end up choking on my own spit and wheezing like wilford brimley and there’s just nothing cute about that. note to self: you have a laptop. it’s portable. dummy. leave the room with the sleeping baby in it whilst reading the bloggess. for fuck’s sake.


  117. I won an award. “In recognition of your likeliness to never do anything worthy of recognition. Congratulations.” That was the best day of my life.

  118. Blogess…

    I know you are uber cool.
    I understand that you have many loyal followers in your land; however, I am a but a small-time blogger. I read this and felt upset that you were not awarded with either award. I think that it is such a shame that this occured, that I have given you an award. Now, this award isn’t as cool as “Haven’t Killed a Unicorn”; however, I do feel that you are amazing and wonderful and have tried to think of the best award possible; however there isn’t one. I would like to be un-origonal and give you these….
    .-= Insatiablehost´s last blog ..Dear Ann Landers, eat your heart out! =-.

  119. Hmmph. Iguess you forgot what I apparently am *really* good at: “Leader in the field of bringing up the rear” (since a whole lot of other people already claimed my it’s and its award… They must not be the people writing all the web pages where I see it’s and its used wrong. You know, the ones making my eyes bleed every day?
    .-= gurukarm (@karma_musings)´s last blog ..I’m Not Going to BlogHer’10 =-.

  120. There are days at work when I’m fairly certain I deserve the “Everyone-is-an-asshole-but-me” award. I’m on the phone for a lot of the day. When people can’t see you sometimes they think it’s totally fine to act like you’re a mosquito. If they don’t know you, mostly.

    So thanks for the award. 🙂 I really like reading blogs, and especially yours (double especially now that I’m getting awards just because I happen to be reading your blog).
    .-= Kate´s last blog ..Five ways to make kids read across America even more =-.

  121. I have bestowed upon myself the honors of “Princess of All Things Sparkly” & “Queen of Beating a Dead Horse & Non-Sequiters”. My hubs even bought me a crown. Hoepfully, I will one day get a sash and be invited to ride in parades as a dignitary. I’ll be practicing my beauty queen wave and putting glue on my butt.

  122. Why is James Garfield not in charge of this? It seems to me that he would have this shit all under control.

  123. Can I nominate myself for the “Able to run over one’s own hand while skating OR skiing” award, which you seem to have left off the list? And, I nominate you for “outstanding achievement in the gratuitous use of pygmy jerboa promotion”, unless they have already given you that award. You can only receive it once, you know.

  124. I’d like to award myself all the awards (because I’m humble like that). Although I failed today as far as the award for looking like I’m working diligently while reading this blog because I burst out laughing out loud… passed it off as turetz though by swearing shortly afterwards. I’m clever like that.

    LOVE YOUR BLOG… am never leaving… will be stalking you regularly. 🙂

  125. I chose the award for not intentionally killing anyone yet, but I don’t think you can claim that, given Neil’s story and the fact that instead of “hit with your car” he meant “took out with a bullet at 500 yards” and instead of “white curling hair” and “single horn” he meant “coarse short dark hair” and “tusks” and instead of “unicorn” he meant “James Garfield” and instead of “buried in the woods” he meant “mounted his head on your wall.” It’s not nice to show off your accomplishments like that, Jenny. That’s probably why you lost the Grampa award, because you were such a nouveau-riche-style winner with James Garfield. Also, now that you’re a president-killer, you need to start adding your middle name to all your posts. It’s a rule.
    .-= ajnabi´s last blog ..Dil Bole Hadippa! Or, Not So Much =-.

  126. omg…so I’m not the only one who’s never killed a unicorn?! Damnit I thought I cornered that market! Pfft. I’m also still alive – which might be obvious since I’m typing this but hey, it’s the internet right? Like its possible that somebody hijacked my name and crap and used it to post this comment. Could happen. But it didn’t. Since my life is uninteresting like that. Maybe I should recieve the ”Leader in the field of your life sucking more than other people’s in the fact that it’s uninteresting” omg. That’s better than never having killed a unicorn! I am so awesome.
    .-= Mesina´s last blog ..Ask Me: First ever! =-.

  127. I am a huge fan of the ever popular straight to VHS movie Follow That Bird, so it only makes sense to take the Dodo award.
    I think you are onto something here. Will keep reading with my morning coffee, or my evening margarita…
    .-= TaraB´s last blog ..Sure you take it… =-.

  128. I totally have to do that frowny thing all the time so my boss won’t catch me watching dogs bounce on trampolines. Oh yeah I’m self-employed. I keep forgetting that part. That may explain why the coffee pot is always empty.
    .-= Zoe Right´s last blog ..They Looked so Normal =-.

  129. I would like to thanks everyone that never belived I could win a made up award. I also have some great new status updates for facebook. My bday is the 14th and i am gonna use the dodo one. I wish you all to know that I will be a fair ruler untill I turn into a hateful witch. I will contiune to try to win the staulking in a non creepy fashion as I feel that will be the pinnicle of all that is awesome.

  130. Thank you so much for the “never been devoured by bears award”. It has been my life’s work and to know someone is aware of my fortitude is so overwhelming, I haven’t been able to stop crying.

    Thank you, dear Jenny. I salute you. I will post the award on my blog and link back to yours…
    .-= truestarr´s last blog ..This week has just flown by! =-.

  131. There is NO Leader in My Field. I need an award for outstanding in my leader..

    Because I am always out standing in my field..field of tomatoes, peppers, veggies and this time of year my field has SNOW…lots of nasty ass white stuff.

  132. oh holy hell, i’m not reading 241 comments, and i’m amazed that you do. instead of accepting the awards you’re doling out, which really, i think i can only accept the unicorn one if someone can verify that the sheratons room service goblets of unicorn tears are animal friendly.

    instead, here are the awards i’d give you if i had some sort of award giving power.

    “lady who i’d most like to be trapped in a bathroom with (preferably with a case of strawberry boones)”

    “random blogger lady who i’d be most incline to leave my kid with, if for no other reason to hear how my kid awkwardly asked about whether you were wearing a wig and then how she made a smug face about it”

    “best target shopping experience partner”

    “person who google fucked with the most in a calander year to let out some of their pent up aggression against China”

    “person who introduced me to blow up latex outfits which subsequently lead me to seek therapy”

    and finally

    “mommy blogger who comes across as the most unpretentious of them all, and whom i’d most like to share a beer with”

    screw the bloggies, and the shorties, and anything else that ends in “ies” that fails to appreciate your greatness. you’re the best in the business.
    .-= jen lovely´s last blog ..oh john mayers, you smarmy bastard. =-.

  133. I only read to comment 73, but no one talked about the falling down wells award by that point. So, I get that award by default! Go me! Way to out smart the first 73 people!

  134. “In your face dodo” made me laugh so so hard i actually fell from my chair, dear bloggess, i have an hematome with your name in my butt.

  135. Thanks for the laughs. I’m so sleep-deprived I can’t even pretend to be funny, but I just wanted to at least be the 243rd person to say you’re hilarious!! Much aloha!

  136. I just awarded myself the bears one on my FB. hanks Jenny! It is pretty awesome that I haven’t been devoured by bears.

  137. Damn it! Apparently my “T” does not enjoy the same distinction.

  138. Hi, this is my first visit here & I’m totally psyched.

    Also, I would like to steal the “it’s” vs. “its” award. I am a big grammar nerd (having majored and mastered in English, and btw, I am coining “mastered”) and I also have an affinity for the ellipsis… It’s sort of a problem…
    Because it kinda implies I never completely finish a thought…or something.

    Loving yourblog!
    .-= Erin´s last blog ..Memoir Monday: Shrinking to Fit, or Finally Growing a Nice Pair of Cojones. =-.

  139. Oh my god, I miss you.
    Hope you are having a great time, but please come back soon.
    I had no idea I craved your posts this much.

  140. So basically if you’re not Voldemort you can get like 3/4 of them!!! Awesome. I love this game! Also, I checked back every day, sometimes multiple times a day to see if you’d written anything else and my heart broke every time you hadn’t… :'( So I basically had to drag myself through last week. Just so you know. This is your fault, just like Morgan Freeman. 😉

  141. Miss me? Perhaps in your rise to stardom you’ve forgotten the little people who’ve helped you along the way? If so, well done. That’s how it should be. Who needs little people anyway? Other than little people that need other little people… it’s called Darwinism mutha! Or something.

    Well, first of all, I’m kinda pissed that it just took me about 90 seconds of scrolling to get to this comment box because you have 250 comments. I so don’t heart you right now.

    Secondly, if I knew that I could just award myself any old crap I wanted, I’d be a bazillionaire for being the queen of whole effing world, and then with my power, I would bestow the award titled “Best use of vulgarity in a blog targeted at women with suppressed sexual appetites” and then we could rule the world together: you as the princess of vulgarity and sexually undernurtured women over 25, and me as the queen of everything else.

    Want in?
    .-= SassyTwoSocks´s last blog ..Cape Cod meets Soho with a bit of Sass (meaning me) thrown in… =-.

  142. On behalf of me I’d like to thank all the little people that like to think they helped make it possible for me win the “Its and It’s” award. And, seeing how I’ve been clever enough not to be devoured by bears I non humbly accept that award too. Because…I’m fucking awesome.
    .-= Fivehead´s last blog ..Boy George and Holy Wilford. =-.

  143. OH MY motherfuckinggod. Yeah. I blasphemed. Get over it. Haters. Worse, religious haters, which is like against your religious laws, isn’t it? I’m NOT religious, so I can hate. Isn’t that how it works?

    WHATEVER. I am so freaking happy about those awards.



    especially the it’s and its one. Because I can’t be bothered to capitalize all the time, but fuck if I’m not using the correct form of it’s or its.
    .-= Well Read Hostess´s last blog .."Oh I love trash. Anything dirty or dingy or dusty, anything ragged or rotten or rusty, yes I love trash!" =-.

  144. And on that note, you have a blog award waiting for you over at my blog. Thanks for being awesome! 🙂

  145. I can’t wait to use “In your face Dodo!”.

    Can I special order an award?

    The award for Consistent Correct Usage of “your”, “you’re”, “there”, “their” and “they’re” goes to…..

    One and Only Erin!

    And the crowd goes wild!

    I totally had to look up “consistent” because I couldn’t remember if it had an “a” or an “e”.

  146. For real… can I have these awards… ’cause I want all of them. And I’m putting them on my blog because you said I was awarded them. But I think I also saw on the site that you’d, like, stab me in the ankle or something if I stole shit from your site… so I’m asking… because I like my ankles. And also ’cause I think your cool and I don’t wanna piss you off. I promise I’ll credit you. Please…please…please… I really deserve the awards. For real, I have NOT killed a unicorn. And all the other stuff.

    .-= sarah @ i run with scissors´s last blog ..The Quest for Answers… and Monkey Action. =-.

  147. Wait, if Sarah gets them can I get them too?? I just don’t want to get get stabbed in the ankles either. BTW you are pretty awesome if I do say so myself and that means a lot coming from me because I am pretty awesome… I even wrote about it! I must follow you now…
    .-= Jayme´s last blog ..This is Why I am Awesome! =-.

  148. Narwhals are my favorite animal, which are unicorns of the sea. I would never kill a Narwhal – so I like to believe I’d never kill a unicorn – even they were real. Maybe they are real and we just don’t know yet. They were in Harry Potter. Uhm…. Thanks for the Never Killed a Unicorn Award!

  149. you are so fucking rad. i will take an award, thank you. methinks the not being mauled by bears one. oo ooo!! the not falling down a well award! wait!! the dodo!


  150. That was the funniest fucking thing I have read since…. I can’t remember ever reading anything that fucking funny. Thank you for making me cry laughing tonight!

  151. P.S. I saw this today and thought it might be of some use for you, in particular the following quote.

    “Ron Short, a muscular roofing contractor who was born without collarbones because of cleidocranial dysostosis and so could collapse his shoulders to work in cramped corners, arrived at the site and offered to go down the shaft; they accepted his offer, but did not use it.”

  152. I was just about to blog about this. But I am happy that you did before me…because this is insanely funny (way funnier than mine would have been).
    Now….when I get angry about seeing too many pointless award badges on blogs…I’ll just revisit this page. And be happy.
    And also…now I don’t have to blog about this. Instead, I can go take a nap. And be happy.

  153. I think “Never killed a unicorn” needs to be on my resume. I mean, that totally counts as a special skill, right?

  154. i’ve killed quite a few unicorns in my time. i’m kinda pissed nobody has recognized this incredible feat.

  155. I work in a photolab at my friendly neighborhood “store-mart” and I do the frowning intently at the computer screen thing to make myself appear busy when in reality, I’m really just looking for naked pictures at best and old men in speedos at worst and being pissed off that the raunchiest thing in our system is someone eating a penis cake with asymmetrical balls. As long as I have the editing box up, I can totally say I’m just enhancing someone’s shitty candids from their wedding because Joe Bob’s got his hand down his pants and can’t you please dear God just blend that in to something else, maybe a fern or a nice potted plant.

  156. I think I can safely say that I can proudly display all of those awards…except the one about the well. I’ve never fallen down a well and thus inconvenienced firefighters, but I did get my finger stuck in a water bucket and had to inconvenience our neighborhood firefighters. They cut me free with minature jaws of life and I got to keep all of my fingers. Do I have to forfeit my award now?

  157. Aren’t you *supposed* to do dumb shit so firefighters rescue you and fulfil all your fantasies?

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