I just got an email inviting me to the inauguration of the Mayor of Malibu, who also happens to be Clint Eastwood’s stunt man and body double. You remember him. I met him that time I landed on that aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific ocean and accused everyone of being cylons and then ended up getting locked in the brig.
So I responded:
“Congratulations, J!
FYI, when I was inaugurated as Czar of Texas I got to keep my crown and my scepter but then some baby tried to steal them. True story.
Get your baby-kickin’ shoes on, Zuma Jay. They’re fucking everywhere.”
But apparently I accidentally did a “reply all” so that response went to all of the people who’d landed on the aircraft carrier with me and I know this because I immediately got a form-letter from Robert Scoble explaining that he did not have time to reply to all his emails and that if I wanted him to review a product I’d have to give him notice and so I decided to respond because I’d had too much to drink and no one was here to tell me this was a bad idea:
Dear Robert,
I completely understand your busy schedule but I know that you will be excited when you hear that I have a great product for you to review. It’s like a boombox, but smaller and you can use it to listen to your cassette tapes privately. It’s called a “walkman”. I call it that because a “man” can “walk around” while he uses it. Pretty awesome, right? I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “But isn’t that sexist? Will you make ‘walkwoman’s’?” And no, Robert, I won’t, because you and I both know that chicks aren’t into tech gadgets and I don’t want to waste my time and resources.
At only 8 pounds, the walkman is light enough that you can use the built-in plastic tab to hang it from your belt. HANDS-FREE, ROBERT. This is the wave of the future. Also, in the future everyone will need to be wearing belts all the time because if you’re wearing sweatpants the walkman will just pull them right down. I’ve personally solved this issue by wearing sweatpants with a belt. That way I can exercise AND listen to music. I’m not sure why no one has thought of this before.
If you are interested in reviewing it, please let me know so I can send you a walkman. I only have one so you’ll have to send it right back but I’m including my own mix-tape of cool songs I taped off of the radio, including the first third of “My Sugar Walls” before the tape ran out. That’s my only copy but if you give the walkman a good review I’ll see if I can make a copy of the mix tape for you. No promises, Robert.
Hugs,
Jenny ~ Inventor of the Walkman
Then Robert Scoble told me that he was not interested in reviewing my walkman but he put a smiley-face at the end of his email so I think we’re still cool. Also? Aside from the fact that I didn’t actually invent the walkman, every single part of this post is true. That’s the really fucked up part about this whole thing. That, and the fact that I can’t afford to go watch Clint Eastwood get his crown and scepter, which is doubly disappointing because he’s the rare kind of guy who could totally pull that kinda look off. The man is striking, y’all.
Comment of the day: Seriously. I have a Walkman. The little hinged door that covered the cassettes is gone and this thing still works. And. There is a mixtape in it. I think I just realized I’m a hoarder. ~ Apryl’sAntics