Okay, so first of all my kidney infection was doing much better until last night when I seriously considered removing my left kidney myself because it hurt so much but it’s behind me and I’m not that flexible so then I thought about calling a hooker because you always hear those stories about people going off with a hooker and waking up in a bathtub of ice with one kidney gone and what I gathered from that is that hookers are good at surgery but I don’t even know where to find a hooker because we live so far out in the country. Also, with the way my luck’s been going I’d get the one hooker who doesn’t know how to illegally remove a kidney. So instead I went to the doctor again and he was all “Well, your pee looks fantastic” and I was like “…Thank you?” and he’s all “I just mean that the antibiotics are really working on the infection but your kidney’s are still inflamed so I’m going to give you a shot” and then the nurse came in and was all “Bend over. This is going to hurt” and I just kind of stared at her because “Um…what?” Apparently she had to give me the shot in my hip because it was ” much too big for your arm” and it hurt so bad I almost kicked her. But I didn’t because I’m a grown-up. And because they said that they’d call in a refill on my xanax. But I suspect that the only reason they gave me that horrible shot in the first place was so that I’d be distracted from the pain in my kidneys and would stop complaining about it. That shot is like the equivalent of “I’ll give you something to cry about”. Then the nurse asked if it hurt and I was all “Nope! Feels great!” because I was afraid that if I said it hurt she’d rip off my ear or stab me with a pen to distract me from the distraction pain. I wasn’t thinking very clearly at that point.
Then I drove an hour to the nearest pharmacy to pick up the xanax and they were all “Oh, we don’t have xanax in stock. WE’LL HAVE TO ORDER IT.”
(This is a space to let that shit sink in.)
So then I called Victor and I was all “What kinda fucked-up, backward, hillbilly town did you move us to?!” and Victor was like “You might be overreacting” and I was all “Well that’s probably because I MIGHT NEED SOME DAMN XANAX” and Victor was like “Well, you certainly can’t tell. Did you react this well when you were actually at the pharmacy?” and I was all “Are you even listening to me? THEY. DIDN’T. HAVE. XANAX.” Then Victor said “Well, I’m guessing they’ll stock up for next time” but he said it with less of a “clearly-they-are-trying-to-destroy-you” kind of tone and in more of a “Great. Now we can never go back to Walgreen’s” kind of way. Then a squirrel bit me in the eye. That last part is made up but it sounds like something that would actually happen to me. That’s the kind of week this has been. Also I haven’t had any booze or caffeine in 6 days because of my kidneys and I think I might be having withdrawals because my brain is mush and I asked the doctor if I could get some methadone and he said he “wasn’t that kind of a doctor“. I don’t what he meant by “that kind of a doctor” but I’m assuming he meant “helpful”.
I apologize for this whole post. If I had some methadone I bet it would make a lot more sense.
Updated: For everyone asking me why in the hell I moved to this scorpion-infested, God-forsaken suck-hole, this is the view from my street:
It does have some small perks.
And no xanax. Apparently.
Fuck. Now I’m mad again.
Comment of the day: If you decide to go through with the whole hooker kidney removal surgery thing, be sure to label which kidney she needs to remove. Because that would suck if she took your good one. Except I am pretty sure hookers take kidneys to sell on the black market, so if you label your bad one, then she will probably actually take your good one because how are you going to sell an inflamed kidney on the black market? Hookers don’t have time to worry about these kinds of things. They are paid by the hour, Jenny. So what you should do is mark your good kidney as the bad kidney so she will think she is taking your good kidney when she is really taken your bad kidney. Man, swindling hookers can be confusing. That is some espionage shit right there. But if you pull it off, you will have actually just screwed a hooker, but she will be the one that just performed an illegal activity. You win. Twice! Also, you should totally use Sonic ice to fill the bathtub because that stuff is the best. ~ Scott