People in the country need xanax too.

Okay, so first of all my kidney infection was doing much better until last night when I seriously considered removing my left kidney myself because it hurt so much but it’s behind me and I’m not that flexible so then I thought about calling a hooker because  you always hear those stories about people going off with a hooker and waking up in a bathtub of ice with one kidney gone and what I gathered from that is that hookers are good at surgery but I don’t even know where to find a hooker because we live so far out in the country.  Also, with the way my luck’s been going I’d get the one hooker who doesn’t know how to illegally remove a kidney.  So instead I went to the doctor again and he was all “Well, your pee looks fantastic” and I was like “…Thank you?” and he’s all “I just mean that the antibiotics are really working on the infection but your kidney’s are still inflamed so I’m going to give you a shot” and then the nurse came in and was all “Bend over.  This is going to hurt” and I just kind of stared at her because “Um…what?”  Apparently she had to give me the shot in my hip because it was ” much too big for your arm” and it hurt so bad I almost kicked her.  But I didn’t because I’m a grown-up.  And because they said that they’d call in a refill on my xanax.  But I suspect that the only reason they gave me that horrible shot in the first place was so that I’d be distracted from the pain in my kidneys and would stop complaining about it.  That shot is like the equivalent of “I’ll give you something to cry about”.  Then the nurse asked if it hurt and I was all “Nope!  Feels great!” because I was afraid that if I said it hurt she’d rip off my ear or stab me with a pen to distract me from the distraction pain.  I wasn’t thinking very clearly at that point.

Then I drove an hour to the nearest pharmacy to pick up the xanax and they were all “Oh, we don’t have xanax in stock. WE’LL HAVE TO ORDER IT.”

(This is a space to let that shit sink in.)

So then I called Victor and I was all “What kinda fucked-up, backward, hillbilly town did you move us to?!” and Victor was like “You might be overreacting” and I was all “Well that’s probably because I MIGHT NEED SOME DAMN XANAX” and Victor was like “Well, you certainly can’t tell.  Did you react this well when you were actually at the pharmacy?” and I was all “Are you even listening to me? THEY. DIDN’T. HAVE. XANAX.” Then Victor said “Well, I’m guessing they’ll stock up for next time” but he said it with less of a “clearly-they-are-trying-to-destroy-you” kind of tone and in more of a “Great. Now we can never go back to Walgreen’s” kind of way.  Then a squirrel bit me in the eye.  That last part is made up but it sounds like something that would actually happen to me.  That’s the kind of week this has been.  Also I haven’t had any booze or caffeine in 6 days because of my kidneys and I think I might be having withdrawals because my brain is mush and I asked the doctor if I could get some methadone and he said he “wasn’t that kind of a doctor“.   I don’t what he meant by “that kind of a doctor” but I’m assuming he meant “helpful”.

I apologize for this whole post.  If I had some methadone I bet it would make a lot more sense.

Updated: For everyone asking me why in the hell I moved to this scorpion-infested, God-forsaken suck-hole, this is the view from my street:
Exploring the neighborhood

It does have some small perks.

And no xanax.  Apparently.

Fuck.  Now I’m mad again.

Comment of the day: If you decide to go through with the whole hooker kidney removal surgery thing, be sure to label which kidney she needs to remove. Because that would suck if she took your good one. Except I am pretty sure hookers take kidneys to sell on the black market, so if you label your bad one, then she will probably actually take your good one because how are you going to sell an inflamed kidney on the black market? Hookers don’t have time to worry about these kinds of things. They are paid by the hour, Jenny. So what you should do is mark your good kidney as the bad kidney so she will think she is taking your good kidney when she is really taken your bad kidney. Man, swindling hookers can be confusing. That is some espionage shit right there. But if you pull it off, you will have actually just screwed a hooker, but she will be the one that just performed an illegal activity. You win. Twice! Also, you should totally use Sonic ice to fill the bathtub because that stuff is the best. ~ Scott

182 thoughts on “People in the country need xanax too.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I live in one of those backwoods towns. Next time, your best luck would be to search out a cattle farmer who may have some good bovine drugs. Also, they’re cheap, so you could probably pay them off with your kidney.

  2. Maybe you could have a look on craig’s list for methodone and hookers? Better yet, find a hooker with methodone and she can remove your kidney and help the withdrawal afterwards.

    I totally feel you on the caffeine withdrawal though, the coffee machine at my office has been out of action for a week (which is nearly as bad as a vindictive, blood-thirsty kidney that might kill you) and I’m ready to punch a nun. Seriously.

  3. Make sure you bring up starting a “free needle” program at the next town council meeting, or village elder summit, or whatever they have there.

  4. I had a kidney infection in 1997 and to this day I remember the name of the drug that they gave me at the ER that kept me from keeping even a drop of water inside my body – that would be Bactrim. I always list it when I’m asked if I have any allergies. That’s as close to an allergy as I hope to ever have, so I’m going to list it even if it’s not technically an allergy. Anyway, all this is to say that having had a kidney infection myself that resulted in hospitalization, I hope that you get some relief soon. Take care of yourself!

  5. Oh my God. Why would you NOT have Xanax? I wonder how many people in that town have been institutionalized because when they NEEDED their Xanax, they couldn’t GET their Xanax which caused a major flip out…. much more major than yours and I wonder how many pharmacists are in the local cemetary because they told a patron who needed Xanax RIGHT. NOW. to calm down and then was shot. Which wouldn’t have happened if the person needing th Xanax could have just gotten it. Lesson to be learned here? Never just *not have* Xanax on hand. This goes for a bevy of other Xanax like medications as well.

    You need to move…. again.

  6. I’m sorry that I laughed out loud at your pain. But dang, girl, you are funny. And since I’ve never had Xanax, I now feel like I’m missing out on something.

  7. I say screw the medical instructions and teach that kidney who’s boss with a nice bottle of Gray Goose. Though I suppose the local liquor store would have to order Gray Goose, because that’s fancy. Like Xanax.

  8. Wow.

    Gorgeous view though.

    Maybe people with that view eventually don’t need Xanax?

    *ducks from the flying plate thrown at my head*

  9. Jenny, you might want to talk to your doctor and try alternative (holistic, all that) approaches.
    All smartassery aside, it might do you good. Remember, my mom is a doctor who specializes on kidneys, and I heard it from her so many times that alternative meds work better in the long run (I mean you take what you need to take to alleviate acute conditions but you still need to re-consider your diet, perhaps, and all that).

  10. What I’m seeing in that vast expanse of land is a perfect opportunity for a grow-up easily camouflaged by nature. Or you could start making meth in your shed.

  11. Ask the exterminator if he has Xanax. I bet it’d do a great job on the scorpions. Plus you could just pop a few while you’re waiting on Walgreen’s to call back. And, seriously, how can they run out? Surely you’re not the only person in rural Texas who’s needs some Xanax. Surely.

  12. You have a Walgreens? I have to drive 45 minutes to GET to Walgreens. We buy our antidepressants from the guy with 6 fingers and no thumbs who stands down by the post office. We think he’s the one who pees in the mailbox, but he’s never actually been caught. He’s kinda short, not sure how he reaches the mail slot or how he maneuvers himself what with the lack of fingers and ya know.. those drawer things can be kinda tricky.

    Sorry about the shot. That sucks.

  13. Out there in backwards, hillbilly country, they don’t need Xanax. You’re supposed to suffer in silence. Oh, maybe if you get run over by the combine, they’ll give you an aspirin or something. And if you accidentally hack off a limb with a chainsaw, maybe they’ll pull out the dusty bottle of Tylenol with codeine. But I believe in backwards, hillbilly country, most issues are treated with whiskey.

  14. I couldn’t help but giggle at your post because you’re just so gosh darn funny, but I thought I was all done until I read Keith’s comment about the liquor store needing to order Gray Goose because it’s fancy. Like Xanax. Now I’m all giggly again.

    I really shouldn’t check your updates when I’m supposed to be working…

  15. I can’t believe they wouldn’t have Xanax. I would think pretty much EVERY pharmach would have Xanax except maybe some kind of specialty pharmacy that only carries completely natural medicines like that can be extracted from tree bark. If it doesn’t come from tree bark they don’t have it, but they have ALL KINDS of tree bark. Can you get a Xanax equivelant by extracting something from some kind of tree bark?

    For that matter, does Xanax go bad? I mean do you have to keep it in the fridge, or in a hyperberic chamber, or else it goes bad or something? Cause I’m thinking it might be a good idea for even the tree bark pharmacies to keep some in stock. I wouldn’t think it would take up that much space, unless they were horse sized pills. And if you’re going to the horse pharmacy you’re going to the wrong one.

  16. I’m trying to figure out if laughing so hard at this post makes me a bad person because, well, I’m not actually laughing *AT* your pain but I’m sort of laughing at you describing it which might actually be the same thing.

    Feel better. If it’s any consolation I passed a kidney-stone once and passed out and my wife told me that I finally knew what it was like to have kids, to which I responded, then why did we have three?

    To which she hit me, which almost hurt as much (emotionally)

  17. That view should be your xanax. Except, not really; its pretty and all, but dammit, sometimes you just need some drugs.

    I bet that view looks even better when you’re doped up.

  18. My doctor is also not helpful. I asked for some Vicodin for my last period because OHDEARMOTHEROFGAWD I was *thisclose* to ripping out my uterus with my bare hands and he was all “Narcotics for normal biological functions is indicative of a problem” with that raised eyebrow thing that smug doctors do… but then he turned around and refilled my script for Valium so WTF? Lucky for me, the pharmacy had Valium in stock. They did however ban me for life for insisting that the script really said Vicodin.

  19. My memaw just got my sister in law hooked on celery juice to help her kid with his sleep. According to this article, it also aids in kidney and gall stones destruction. Could help you and you can make your own, unless of course, your hillbilly backwoods town does not have any celery in stalk – I mean stock.

    If my memaw said it, it must be true!

  20. They give ass-shots here, too. But they come from the pharmacist. In fact, the last time I went in to the pharmacist, he said “I’d like to give you a shot in the butt” and, I swear to God, he WINKED! and I was like “Look buddy, I don’t know what kind of girl you think I am, but I’m just here to pick up some addictive, narcotic pain meds, a handful of anti-depressants, and some of those magical fat melting pills that aren’t legal in the U.S. So how ’bout you put your ‘needle’ away, and we’ll talk business.”

    And *that’s* why you should have moved to Costa Rica instead of that lovely little patch of splendid in Texas. Costa Rica never runs out of Xanax.

  21. When my xanax script ran out, the pharmacist recommended an herb called Valerin. I use it now instead of xanax.

    More “medical” advice regarding arthritis:
    1) I’ve heard that using Braggs vinegar on a daily basis helps.
    2) In Morocco, they will bury you up to your neck in the Saraha for a day. It’s supposed to help with the pain by warming your bones. (My husband is Moroccan)
    3)Last one: there is someway to setup certain tanning beds so that you get heat for the pain.

  22. Do you want me to send send you some Xanax? I’m kidding – I don’t have Xanax, I just have Percocets. But I know people who do!

  23. last semester the pharmacy by my school was out of adderall during FINALS WEEK. wouldn’t you think that would be their best earning time?

  24. You need to look on the bright side – when you shoot someone in one of those towns, it takes forever for the cops to show up. You can get a really good head start.


  25. If you decide to go through with the whole hooker kidney removal surgery thing, be sure to label which kidney she needs to remove. Because that would suck if she took your good one. Except I am pretty sure hookers take kidneys to sell on the black market, so if you label your bad one, then she will probably actually take your good one because how are you going to sell an inflamed kidney on the black market? Hookers don’t have time to worry about these kinds of things. They are paid by the hour, Jenny. So what you should do is mark your good kidney as the bad kidney so she will think she is taking your good kidney when she is really taken your bad kidney. Man, swindling hookers can be confusing. That is some espionage shit right there. But if you pull it off, you will have actually just screwed a hooker, but she will be the one that just performed an illegal activity. You win. Twice! Also, you should totally use Sonic ice to fill the bathtub because that stuff is the best.

  26. I hate that “Imma give you a shot in the hip” shit, because, dude, they mean ASS. Hip is the bone in front, OK? Please do not inject a needle into my BONE (ooer) unless I am saving someone from cancer with my bone marrow or something. You mean my ASS, you want to stick a needle in my ass cheek, I GET IT, it’s awfully cushy back there, but let’s dignify this already embarrassing situation and call a spade a spade and an ass cheek and ass cheek, mmmkay?

  27. What the hell kind of ass backward pharmacy doesn’t have xanax?! You need to get that shit on automatic mail order so you’re never without. And I would have donkey kicked that sadistic bitch. Reflex, really.

    Danita, I’m afraid I would have kicked your doctor in the balls and told him next time he actually HAS a period and can actually UNDERSTAND the overwhelming pain that can accompany it, he can talk to me about normal biological functions.

    But I’m feeling particularly stabby today.

  28. I’m no pharmacist but isn’t that a drug that’s fairly common to keep in stock? Like pain killers, blood thinners, bottled estrogen, birth control… I think xanax fits the bill.

  29. I hate Walgreens. Especially since they gave me a hard time when I brought in MY prescription for Xanax and they *refused* to fill it. They’re just amateur. I mean, LOTS of doctors write prescriptions with red crayon and on purple construction paper. And just because she’s five doesn’t mean my kid isn’t a real doctor.

  30. Frack, Methadone is a maintenance pain med too. I so wish doctors would stop forgetting that. That said, I wouldn’t start with Methadone for pain because of the stigma. Like anyone needs more of that?
    Pharmacies are always out of the ‘good’ stuff or whatever it is you desperately need. When I was 15 I needed a med that my eye doctor had specifically requested that the local pharmacy carry but they thought they knew better so they didn’t bother. So, while the doc chewed out the pharmacy I called my Mom who made arrangement to fill the script and deliver to me by plane. That’s how in the boonies I was and how great Moms can be.

    Oh and on a serious note. I saw that Barbara Schantz mentioned Bactrim and while you probably know this I figured I’d tell you just in case. If you take Bactrim while on MTX your blood counts will drop in such a way as to mimic hemolytic anemia and your doctor will freak. I, of course, did not know this and forgot to tell my Rheumy about the last round of antibiotics I’d taken so he freaked. This happened twice. I was lucky and never ended up with a bone marrow biopsy but that was the next step.

  31. I hate that bad crap happens to you, but I love that you found an outlet and share your brand of funny with us all. Tell some bean-counter somewhere to add me to the tally that would buy whatever you sold: book, tv show, margarita mix, kood-aid from a stand at the side of the road. That should get you an advance and an assistant to keep Xanax on hand (literally in the assistant’s hand to give to you at a moment’s notice).

    I’ve been meaning to ask, can’t Victor buy his damn swords online instead of traveling for “business”?

  32. What the fuck do they mean they don’t have any Xanax?! That’s about as stupid as calling a drug dealer for your hippielettuce only to be told they don’t have any….um, dude, your a drug dealer….you need drugs…you’re doing this all wrong fucker!
    Do you know what would be even better? Spray Xanax. Like Mace but with Xanax…we could just go around misting one another….the world would totally mellow the fuck out

  33. Do they have no Xanax because no one needs it, or do they have no Xanax because everyone needs it, and they can’t keep it in stock? ‘Cause I’m sure if I were sharing my back yard with scorpions and vultures I would need some wicked strong medication.

  34. I saw my Dr twice this week. I explained my constant pain level is never less than 6 and it’s a couple months b4 I have surgery. I also explained that I am getting super stabby and full of anxiety and nearly slapped the eyebrows off the bitch in the blood lab. I asked what xanax was for and if I could have some if they thought it would help. They gave me b12 and ibprofin. uhm I am not happy.

  35. So What ? That view is supposed to make people not need Xanax? Come on. I see that view and I think – shit, its 5 miles to get to nearest bait shop, and an hour to get to a Macy’s. XANAX is needed to overcome that kind of problem.

  36. but I do have 2 good kidneys and judging by how laid back the bitch in the lab was after I slapped her I am sure they have xanax here. so I can get a hooker to give you one of my kidneys and fill your xanax rx if you tell my dr I probably need them so I don’t get bit in the eye by a squirrel.

  37. I am glad to see from other commenters that I am not the only one who has gotten an ass-shot. The last time I got one, they punctured a butt muscle. THEY PUNCTURED IT. So my ass caved in and I couldn’t wear any kind of tight pants cause you could see the horrible indentation. And I may have demonstrated to my sister that I could place a golf ball in the divot and one could play golf off my ass. We are a wierd family. So Jenny, I hope your muscles don’t divot! XOXO

  38. Dear juliejulie: …”And, seriously, how can they run out? Surely you’re not the only person in rural Texas who’s needs some Xanax. Surely.” And that, dear Julie (and Jenny), is exactly WHY they ran out of Xanax!! If you lived in a town where the nearest Walgreen’s was an hour a-fucking-way, you’d stock up, too. What you need to do, Jenny, is tell them to order it and to order extra, so you can stock up so you never have to go through this horror show again! It’s madness! I live in a small town in a house that is isolated from the street and most neighbors, so it feels like I live out in the middle of nowhere (I can walk around ouside naked if I want to!!), but w/in a five minute drive are AT LEAST TWO liquor stores and TWO beer distributors (that I can think of) and countless pharmacies!! And tell Victor he should be kinder & more sympathetic. He moved you out into the middle of East BumFuck Texas where you can’t get anything you need except for a pretty view, and then he’s snarky when you’re having Xanax withdrawal…AFTER a near-fatal bout of kidney infection. Not nice, Victor. Not nice.

  39. when i went to get put on adderall because i can’t.. um… concentrate… yeah. anyways. i was all nervous about asking for it, then i realized the doctor was all kinds of fucked up on xanax. so it made for an awesome conversation between someone who talks a mile a minute and someone who takes three minutes to process two words. anyways. the point is, when i went to fill the script they were out of adderall, and i was like. wtf. i live in a college town, how do you run out of adderall?! it’s more important than antibiotics in these parts. none of this was really all that helpful, but my adderall totally kicked in and as long as i’m typing i feel productive. also, maybe they ran out of xanax? because while that’s a really nice view and all, it also comes with scorpions and vultures, and the coyotes that victor tried to turn into pets by feeding them apples. fuck. i think i might need a xanax to process all of that. but in any case! if you were closer to me i’d hand deliver the valium i’ve been holding onto for an emergency situation. i’d even bring a bottle of stoli with me. because if you’re gonna go with middle of the line anxiety pills, you should also go with middle of the line vodkas as well.

  40. “Then a squirrel bit me in the eye.” HAHA Oh lord…. That was too funny… I may have spit out my soda………….

  41. That view is amazing!

    But what the hell good is it without Xanax and booze? WTF Batman? Santa better bring you some good shit this year for putting up with that suckhole.

    didn’t you once say you were prescribed crack? Why not break out that shit? I am sure it would help with the pain of not having Xanax and booze withdrawals.

  42. 1) Bragg’s apple cider vinegar. Miraculous for kidney problems.

    2) I’ve been going thru the hell with ya. Moved to the country, giant spiders, got bit on the butt by a brown recluse, my horse died, and squirrel I was trying to save from drowning in the horse trough mauled my finger so bad I had to go to the er. Maybe the same kind of Indians are buried beneath me. 🙂 hugs to you Jenny….

  43. You have a commenter of the day already and I was going to say some really hilarious stuff. Now you can’t have it. Also, I have Valium. Pfffffffft, Jenny.

  44. Dear God, Jenny, please fix the italics that turned on with Valerie in comment #52 and didn’t turn off. It’s freaking me out. I know you have better things to do, but maybe the karma from saving me from this little stress will help you out?

    Shit. Is it just me?

  45. I’m no doctor, but I thought at a certain level of alcohol consumption, no infection would be able to live in one’s body. This is what I tell my husband in explaining the merits of wine.

  46. Jeezum Crow. I thought they had Xanax in vending machines at the 7-11 nowadays. If they don’t, they should. Now I totally have to run for mayor of Bumfuzzle, TX or wherever you live, and make that happen for you, Jenny. Because I loves you that much. Also, I figure Xanax vending machines would be very profitable and could possibly eliminate the national debt. And buy me a medium-sized island. Populated by cabana boys. See??? Xanax is good for you!

  47. I read that entire post waiting for you to blame pirates and, even without the Xanax, you didn’t. So thank you. I mean, unless there is a hidden implication that pirates highjacked the Xanax truck on its way to the country and – fuck!

  48. Did you stop to consider that the OPPOSITE is true?! The pharmacy ran out of Xanax because everyone else is also taking it! You’ve moved to a place where everyone over the age of 18 except for Victor is on Xanax. Maybe you should switch to Ativan like us.

  49. Oh god, I’m laughing so hard it’s taken me 15 minutes to type this damn comment. The post was gold, but holy crap the comment of the day was just as funny. Maybe you should buy Scott a hooker? But only if he has both his kidneys.

  50. Having to do all of your drinking for you is extremely exhausting because of course I have to do my own as well. The counting is killing me. also I can only drink so much coffee per day so you’ll have to find someone else to do that for you. I had to take the week off work for this so I sure hope you appreciate the sacrifice.

  51. It’s pretty but I’d worry about squirrel bites too. Although I hear there is a squirrel and a cat living in my son’s tree house. In this case, however, the fear that somehow the squirrel and the cat have procreated into some super mammal with buck teeth that no only bites human in the eye, it also eats their brain.

    However, now I’m worried about brown recluses and I don’t even know what that is? I thought they were weird people who send bombs through the mail, but did not bite people in the ass.

    Maybe I need metadone.

  52. I would move. I don’t care what kind of a view you have – everything sucks if you need a xanax and it’s not there. I always have back up xanax and back up valium, and back up wine, and booze – shit. I should have used an alias on this comment.

  53. You just made me LOL at work. Now everyone is staring at me. Someone asked me what I was laughing at and I said, “Hookers.” Needless to say…I’m getting strange looks.

    Walgreens didn’t have Xanax? I thought Walgreens was supposed to be like a perfect world or something (according to their commercials). How can anything be perfect without Xanax? Hmph.

  54. I’ve decided that you should write more than once a day because now that I know about this blog I want to read it as if it were a novel…. btw, consider a novel. I would buy like a million copies just to spread the word.

  55. I used to live in a little town. At least they didn’t announce over the intercom to the entire store when they were searching for the pharmacist that , “This here little lady has a drug problem and needs her xanax now! She is getting fiesty”
    And then have all the customers look at you like they are looking at a zombie. They are terrfied. Yeah that is totally embarrassing!

  56. Fuck. I thought I lived in the stink crotch of hell, but even here in Hooterville we have Xanax. By the look of those woods around you I bet you could find some “wildwood weed” in there.. that could hold you over till the Xanax arrives.

  57. i’m a bit concerned that the local walgreens is out of xanax. walgreens is supposed to be a class establishment, with literally thousands of locations nationwide. i hear tell that some even have their own little nurse practitioner there for, like, diagnosing sore throats or eye wounds caused by squirrels.

    OBVIOUSLY you have to burn the place down. or maybe sign up for like a mail order xanax delivery? or call your doctor and plead for some samples? you know they have a huge fucking jar back there someone. i’m like the only person in the world not on xanax. yet. i plan on begging… asking my psychiatrist for it next visit, since i had a ridiculous freak out the other day.

    also, you should have gotten some pain meds for that kidney infection. i had one like a year ago and got some sweet pain meds that made my kidneys just wonderful.

  58. everyone knows its not the hooker who takes the kidney its her pimp… if she had blood on her from slashing people open to take kidneys no one would stop her and try to give her any “business”! And as far as your town not having xanax the girl behind the counter prob. sold them on the black market to the hookers that have to get there pimps to take out the kidneys… its a nasty nasty cycle! But cheer up you got a shot in your ass it could be worse… atleast i think it could.

  59. No amount of pills in the world make up for Scorpions. There are no reasons for Scorpions to exist. They only pinch and sting and cause trouble for Greek heroes on quests. Also they release power ballads.


  60. The part about the xanax made me laugh because every time I have to refill my prozac, it’s like the most stressful thing ever. Really? You’d think they’d make it easier to get anti-anxiety medication.

  61. OK fine – admittedly, that landscape is BEAUTIFUL. But couldn’t you have someone paint you a ginormous mural in your living room somewhere in civilization where they have people and Xanax and less scorpions and coyotes and you could appreciate it that way??? Meet us half-way here, Jenny. Because really, it IS only a matter of time before a squirrel bites you in the eye. Be safe.

  62. Note on caffeine withdrawal…if your calves start hurting, like leg cramps only worse? That’s caffeine withdrawal, NOT dehydration. Walk right past the Gatorade and drink down a 2 liter of Pepsi or Coke and you’re legs will feel better in about an hour. No shit. This lovely symptom was how I discovered I really WAS a caffeine addict last year when recovering from a bout of food poisoning. The pain was awful – and all I could think of? I can NEVER become a heroin addict ’cause that withdrawal must really suck if this is what caffeine feels like…though when I’ve been given morphine at hospitals, I can understand the allure.
    Um…shit…that was way more tangential than I intended. Sorry.

  63. When I kinda had money, but kinda not, I used to get my meds mailed to me using Rx Outreach ( You get a three or four month supply, depending on the prescription, so no rinky-dink pharmacy in Bingo-Bangoland (where you are) will tell you they have to order Xanax because you’ll have more pills than they do.

    Get better, sweetie. 🙂

  64. I suppose the pharmacist didn’t know you by sight either. Douchebag. (the pharmacist, not you)

    I love my pharmacist I walk in and he basically tosses me my prescription and types in my cc number from memory.

  65. I’m not going to say anything. Except that Victor is a very lucky man. And you should have some Southern Comfort. Or something. And a “helpful” doctor.

  66. Dear Jenny,

    I am sorry I taunted you with my Valium ownership and I lied about having hilarious shit to say. If it makes you feel better, my family had lice last week.


  67. Maybe you SHOULD contact a hooker afterall, only not to just take out your (bad) kidney, but to arrange for her to take out somebody else’s good kidney and THEN do a transplant/switcheroo for you. Perhaps Victor’s kidney, so he can realize the severity of the situation & go to the pharmacy and kick some ass like a proper Texan husband until they “produce” your medication from the backroom where it probably really is anyway but they’re too lazy to go to the back and look. At least have the hookers number on speed-dial so if your’s does go completely bad, she can have one at the ready for you. Couldn’t hurt…

  68. I hate Walgreens. I refuse to fill prescriptions there after I had multiple incidents where they had to order the medication I needed. Every SINGLE MONTH with one drug…they wouldn’t bother to call and tell me, either, I would just show up like an idiot and expect to have medication in hand when I walked out, only to be sadly disappointed. I guess it’s a testament to my eternal optimism or overwhelming stupidity that I always thought I’d actually get my prescription. (I have to defend my stupidity here and say I was pregnant, vomiting all the time, on and off bedrest, and had two young children as well, so my brain wasn’t firing on all synapses). Occasionally, I would get 4 pills out of 30 or some crap like that.

    The last time, I just sat down on the floor and cried when they told me it wasn’t in stock. Right there, in the pharmacy, with all the old people waiting for their heart medication, I cried like a baby. I finally was able to stop crying , but I hadn’t really considered how to get up from the floor, being *very* pregnant and emotionally exhausted. Ugh. It wasn’t graceful. Not my finest moment.

  69. Is it that they don’t carry Xanax or they had a run and were out because all your all neighbors had already stocked up on theirs because of the foxen, mold, rats in the walls, vultures, and Indian graveyard curses? Is there a reason you cannot drink beer, since that acts like a diuretic? I have more questions and advise, but I will wait until you are feeling better. When are you come back to Houston for a visit?

  70. EVEN for that view – I couldn’t live somewhere where the pharmacy doesn’t even stock Xanax. That is a BASIC pharmaceutical! And if it’s not well, then it should be – especially living in the back woods of Texas with all the scorpions and shit.

  71. Does this mean we have to start a Twitter campaign against Walgreen’s? Walgreen’s Hates Xanax!

    (is there just one pharmacy in this town?) If so, you better start sleeping with the pharmacist to make sure he is always well-stocked.

  72. I feel for you. When I started having to take B12 they gave me my first shot in my hip because the needle is an inch and a half long and has to go into the muscle. The first time I did it at home it took me 45 minutes to work up the nerve to do it, but I did figure out that I can do it in my thigh. Initially they tried to make me believe it had to go in my hip, but I’m not Gumby and that really wasn’t going to happen. (Especially since Spencer can’t even be in the room with me while I do it, let alone help out.)

    I’m glad you feel a little better.

  73. Oh, and p.s. The first time I filled my syringe prescription at Walgreen the pharmacist intentionally gave me the wrong needles. They were super short. I noticed and got all hopeful that the Doctor had changed her mind, but when I called to check the Physician’s Assistant got angry with Walgreens and called them to yell at them and get it changed back.

    That’s right. I called to get BIGGER needles.

    I’m pretty sure there’s a note in my file at Walgreens.

  74. Besides feeling for you, all I can think about is the search engines now showing people your blog when they type in “Hookers + parking lot kidney removals.” Man. A drugstore without Xanax. Hope you feel better soon.

  75. I’ll trade you you’re kidney infection for my XANAX taper. I have been on this medication for over a year. It was making me ill. The doctor decided wean me off it. I have been puking for weeks and now have vertigo. Before taking or joking about XANAX please google xanax withdrawal.

  76. Did they maybe have Valium? Because that is an old fashion sort of Xanax relative. You obviously did not act out enough in the pharmacy for the pharamist to think of an alternative. Next time just ask, What the hell do you have back there because I am about to lose my shit.” They’ll find you something.

  77. If that ain’t enough to piss off the pope, I don’t know what is.

    Very nice place though. I see the hills, the checkered pattern that they log and some gas silos out my window.

  78. I live in Texas. I think we should have an amendment to the state constitution that no Texas pharmacy should EVER run out of Xanax.

  79. LMAOOOOOOOOOOO at the comment of the day. Sorry, I know your situation is no laughing matter. *covers her mouth*

    Feel better, bubba.

  80. I was stuck in bumfuck this week with no xanax myself. I’m helping my mother purge 50 years of shit to move to the city and forgot my happy pills. Well I was stuck until I called my doc and had her call in an Rx to the local pharmacy. They had it in stock which actually shocked me. I was so scared that they wouldn’t that I made my husband overnight some while I was waiting for my doc to call me back….so now I have 60 xanax to last three more days. I think that might take care of me. When I went to pick it up I joked with the pharmacist that I was truly nuts to come and try and move my mom with no crazy pills. He, a guy I knew since the day I was born, who came to birthday parties and family picnics, just glared at me. I guess they take their xanax very seriously in this part of bumfuck.

  81. I’ll see your story and raise you the one where last Friday I was ATTACKED BY A CAT at the rescue league (this is why you NEVER EVER treat cats nicely even if they’re homeless) where the thing took a rip out of my tendon in my right arm and THEN the whole arm got infected which I could tell by the giant-inflamed-red-patch-and-what is that…glue?-coming-out-of-the-gaping-tooth wound which required that I get a tetanus shot but NOT in the other arm because that’s the arm that I TORE MY BICEP on the week earlier because I was shifted incorrectly at the gym because of the ARTHRITIS IN MYLOWER BACK ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, I’M FORTY TWO, GOD. THE FUCK?!

    Let me know when they have Xanax back in stock.

  82. Well I would have asked the pharmacy if they were never carried Xanax, or if they carried it but had a lot of people would needed it that day. Though, I’m not sure which would be worse.

  83. I was completely expecting the shot to be demerol. And then you were going to say how you didn’t need Xanax because the happy shot put you into a dreamland of candy and unicorns and no pain.
    When I had a kidney stone last year that hung out in my whatever-the-tube-is-called-that-goes-between-kidney-and-bladder for SIX WEEKS, my doctor made 2 house calls armed with demerol. Clearly you need to channel your frustrated yelling towards the doctor before the pharmacist… the Doc should give you something better than whatever the heck they stuck in your hip.
    Xanax good, Demerol good… its a win win

  84. Scott brings up some very valid points and concerns regarding coaxing a hooker to take your bad kidney. Also, Scott has thought about this entirely too much.

  85. They ran out of Xanax? Oh dude, that just sucks. Good thing you didn’t call that hooker, she probably would have taken BOTH kidneys, and that would suck even more. Also, she might have offered to score you some Xanax and then turned you in to the DEA, because with your luck she would also be a paid undercover informant.


  86. My comment isn’t even about your post – it’s about the wisdom of your choice for comment of the day. Even though it wasn’t mine. It was so funny that I clicked through to his blog, which was about this charity – – which was so awesome that I immediately donated. So your wisdom in choosing Scott’s comment lead to lives being saved in developing countries. Use that the next time Victor or whomever says disparaging things about the time you spend blogging. Boo-yaah, bitches!

    I can hear you thinking that you didn’t even click through before you picked him, so that just means that it was someone working through you. So now your blog has also proved the existence of a higher power. Not bad for a days’ work. You should probably celebrate with a Xanax.

  87. I hate you because your pee looks fantastic and your antibiotic is working, and my pee still has “signs of infection” and my antibiotic was changed, and I had to pick up my car from the mechanic today because one of our brakes almost caught on fire, and also yesterday, I left my pinkeye medication at the doctor’s office, where I went to deal with the fucking kidney infection, and I still have a fever, and the girl who sits across from me who gave me the pinkeye has pinkeye AGAIN, and also when I went in to work on Monday, the electric outlet behind my desk started crackling and fizzing even after I removed all the plugs, and the building maintenance guy was all “Good thing you called us to replace it because it was already burning,” and I was like “awesome,” and also this weekend, while I had pinkeye and a kidney infection, I ran into this guy I dated in, like, 9th grade and this week, he sent me a message that was all like “You have a nice personality” instead of “OMG! You’re so hott. Can’t believe you gave birth to twins because your body is so rockin’. I kick myself every day for being so dumb when we were 14 and also for telling everyone that I totally felt you up,” which I think should be the protocol for any ex-boyfriends who send you private messages on Facebook, even if they were young, meaningless relationships, because otherwise, what the fuck is the point?

    You know what? I’m just going to blog this, because I think I might be a little too angry about your clear mid-stream catch. You know what I’m saying?

  88. Even though I read your tweets about your kidney infection it wasn’t until I read this post that it reminded me that my mom had a kidney infection when we were growing up. I remember she was in bed for days, a doctor had to come to the house twice and that’s all I remember.

    Years after I had run away from home I asked her about that infection and what caused it. This is what she said, “Your father was ABSOLUTELY no help and he didn’t do anything to help me.”

    Our family crest is 4 people clutching dead memories and daring the others to let go first.

  89. Now I’m sorry I wrote the last line of my comment because that’s a good line and I could have used it in one of my posts.

    I hope you’re happy.

  90. Love the picture, but there isn’t a cocktail lounge visible anywhere…WTF?

  91. P.S. Every one of us out here in CommentLand would probably have bet money that your pee looked “fantastic.”

  92. OK, please believe me when I say I am not laughing at your pain, nor your need for Xanax. But I was seriously laughing at the humorous spin you put on these things in your post. And really, some of the comments here make me laugh just as much as your posts do! Your blog is beginning to be my own personal therapy session. So thanks for that. But geez, I hope your kidney infection goes away soon. I have a sister in law with a bad kidney and she experiences infections and pain on a regular basis. I don’t wish that on anyone. I’ve had a kidney stone before, which I truly found to be more painful than going through labor–so if it’s anything like that, I feel ya.

  93. I have nothing to comment because Scott, Mr Comment of the Day, took every thought out of my brain! Espionage and swindling hookers…that’s some funny shit right there.

  94. You would think that the small towns would have extra xanax. Maybe you can get the hooker to get you some xanax too. She’s already dealing in illegal stuff and since that is almost legal it would be easy for her to get you some.

  95. So, instead of getting a lollipop for being a good girl about the shot, you get a Xanax perscription?

    Jenny, you’re my hero.

  96. I laughed when I read about your kidney infection. I had one last week. Really. It put me in the hospital for four f*cking days. Because when it started I was camping and they didn’t have doctors there, so it got worse, which I ignored, because I’m one of those bitches who don’t need a doctor, yo. Uh, except I did, I really, really did. Just like you need your friggin’ xanax.

  97. my pharmacy was out of my ritalin today and now i can’t stop talking, i’m eating everything I see, buying everything I see and I can’t finish anything I star

  98. Hookers used to take kidneys. Now they have expanded into other precious organs like livers and sweet breads. At least I think it’s sweet breads, or is that brains? I never can tell. I can’t think either; Weatherbug is chirping at me over severe weather but it’s really just a fire watch. So now I have to go watch for fires instead of researching this whole hooker thing.

  99. Let me get this straight…no caffeine, no liquer, and NO XANAX????? I too have only one good kidney and live in the country…bad combination. The hookers here are all missing teeth, which gives them places to put multiple cigs. You’re right about not pissing off the nurses because things could get REAL bad, real quick. Keep this in mind-if your kidney doctor mentions the word ‘stent’, turn tail and run like hell-trust me.

  100. Could you train the scorpions to remove your kidney? After all, that’s the least they could do for all of the pain and suffering they have put you through. They have those little lobster claws, don’t they? Well, problem solved! Snip, snip, hookers stay employed and oh wait…those people at Walgreens…they are so going to be perplexed when the angry herd of scorpions attack, stinging and clicking their lobster claws chanting “XANAX, Mommy needs XANAX!”…Helpful Zombies are so 10 minutes ago…trained scorpions…that’s the new “IT” superhero helper!

  101. Screw the Xanax; it’s the COFFEE you need. I know from personal addiction issues.

    And it’s a nice view and all, but no drugs? As in, no DRUGS at ALL? That’s just bullshit. Order a 3 month supply next time and be on top of that pharmacist (not literally. Unless he’s hot, which, in that case, might make him order more. Or less. Depending on what you’re doing on top of him. If you’re sitting on him to discuss the people that won’t stop screaming at you in your mind, then he’ll either order it STAT or call the police. Either way, you’ll get some meds.) to keep it in stock.

  102. I am a pharmacist and you can bet my ass that when I worked in an actual pharmacy we had Xanax. Shit, we had a back up stock of Xanax. And those were the days when I was young and single and hadn’t gone crazy yet.

    I think that pharmacist was fucking with you.

    He’s probably part of the black-market kidney stealer association.

  103. Good lord… I am sitting here shivering thinking about the possible ramifications of my pharmacy telling me that they didn’t have any Xanax in stock. It would be like Armageddon meets Girl, Interrupted. I would have to request an ‘I love me jacket’ to keep people safe… I feel your pain.

  104. Oh yes, kidney infections. Last time I left a screeching crazy person message on my doctors phone because he hadn’t called in my pain meds yet. I had just been denied and was standing IN the pharmacy. Good times…

  105. You see a town with no Xanax, whores or kidney rippers, I see major new market opportunities! I love America. It’s truly wide-open for entrepreneurs.

  106. No xanax vs. beautiful scenery – that’s a tough one.

    No caffine or wine and a painful medical condition – that’s got me shuddring in the corner just thinking about it.

    Hope you feel better soon!!

  107. I think not having your Xanex may be a violation of your first amendment rights, because people yell about their violated first amendment rights a lot so I assume it’s a ubiquitous answer to all unpleasant things. I also recommend trying to find a hooker who hangs out near a medical school. Med school is expensive. You never know …

  108. This sounds like a typical day for me as well, minus the bad kidney, but plus multiple things going to shit, and the need for Xanax and/or medical marijuana. I would be way less grumpy if I had either one because I’d be too blissed out to give a shit that everything was going wrong. I think I have a case built for my medical marijuana prescription! Sometimes I feel like the female Clark Griswold…I’m like a clumsy shitstorm magnet.

  109. Jenny, there are three different walgreens in New Braunfels (you live in Gruene right?). Also you should be careful with Xanax. It is the one of the most addictive prescription drugs out there. I’ve done withdrawal off of it and it wasn’t funny. My Dad’s walgreens store less than an hour drive from you has been held up multiple times for it. They may not keep it in stock for this reason. Best of luck.

  110. I’m still laughing over Suzy’s comment “Our family crest is 4 people clutching dead memories and daring the others to let go first.” My personal calming pill is 1 Vicodin/day but now because of the stupid acetaminophen additive, that’s not an option (liver danger); besides which, everyone in my town is addicted to them so I can’t get an RX. I’ve never tried any antidepressants but my kid and husband are about ready to force me to take them, like it or not. Hope you feel better soon!

  111. Girl, I hear you on the kidney pain. I have dealt with it and it does cause soooo much pain. I DID have a kidney removed but not by a hooker, by a doctor. From beginning to end it cost nearly $98,000 and 6 fulls weeks of recovery time. So, for sure the hooker would be cheaper, but eh, the risk of infection is probably greater. Just things to weigh out when deciding 🙂
    I hope you get some Xanax soon.
    Love, love,love the view!

  112. seriously- I went through this entire summer where I was getting one bladder/kidney infection after another- they never figured out why either. Well on one of my many visits to the doctor I was so ill I could keep nothing down including water. So they decided to give me a shot for nausea in my hip-well this needle was a fucking giant of a needle and the liquid in the shot was very thick- left a huge bump on my hip. then- the amazing medical staff made me roll onto said hip that just recieved this painful shot to give me a shot in the other hip for the kidney infection. Cause that didn’t hurt. Especially not with a 102 degree fever. Thank you understanding doctors.

    anyways point is- i feel you, it sucks. and i’m sorry about the xanx. too bad you can’t drink that bad news away 🙁

  113. This is why my parents live REALLY close to Mexico, where illegal kidney removal and Xanax are as easy to come by as a Happy Meal. In fact, they may BE the Happy Meal.

  114. Sorry but that’s the kind of story you read if your having a bad day and need to cheer yourself up by someone else’s misery, LOL
    So what did we learn? Call in your prescription next time before you run out…..that is hoping your country dog gave you more refills……if not you better go back and cause some ruckus!

  115. Is that what green grass and trees look like? I bet you a Xanax it smells real purty, too. Well, thank you for sharing but now I’m depressed.

  116. Sorry you’re not feeling well, Jenny. I know it’s hard to think straight when your kidney hurts and your ass hurts and you’ve got the jumpy-jumps and just need the damn Xanax, but maybe you can write a note on your hand to ask for an alternative med if the prescribed one is not available. I mean pharmacies are so eager to second-guess our Doctors these days and recommend something cheaper for the insurance company, that they must have a potential substitute for everything. Even the Valerian someone suggested might be a good short-term solution until the real stuff arrives.

    And other commenters – please don’t encourage Jenny to go ahead and drink alcohol and caffeine with a kidney infection dudes. That’s bad news! Now loco weed is another story. And hookers can get methadone. That is all.

  117. On the upside squirrels cannot contract or carry rabies. Avoid armadillos they can give you leprosy and i’m pretty sure you’d need something stronger than Xanax to get over that.

  118. Wow this blog is one of a kind. Having so many comments for a blog is very difficult thing to do. It only mean that you have a lot of reader. You are a brilliant writer and I think your humorous too. Sometime being brilliant is boring without humor. But you, you got it. Thanks. I love the pictures you posted. Nice blog. Keep it up. =)

  119. I had a delay once to refill my Prozac and I turned into a person you would NOT want to be around. Hallmark should create a greeting card that says “Sorry about how I acted, but not really because it’s the pharmacy’s fault as they did not have my refill ready. Hope it doesn’t happen in the future but no promises.” I probably should submit that idea.

  120. Oops, sorry. I was the one who took all the xanax. I’d give you some of mine but I already paid for it sooooo. Good luck with that. Hey, at least they didn’t give you the wrong prescription. CVS did that to me and combined with some other stuff, I had a seizure.

    No, I did not get really drunk and fall down. I THINK I would know the difference.

  121. Lovely view. Just breathtaking. I would take access to medication over the damn view, just saying.

    Last year I had a huge allergic reaction all over my face with skin falling off, and they couldn’t find the right drug in town and had to order it in from another city. Really people? This city has a million effing people, I know because I smell them all on the damn bus. So the drugstore has 4 rows of greeting cards and shit but no drugs. Niiiice.

  122. I think flavored Vodka is the new Xanax…I think I read that in Cosmo or Popular Mechanics, any way I intend to research the hell out of it!

  123. OMG hysterical! Maybe you could ask for a few referrals from previous customer because you should be a little picky when choosing a hooker surgeon. Maybe one specializes in kidneys.

  124. If you find a hooker to remove a kidney, let me know as I have a right kidney that could use removing. My body decided it would put some extra tubes on that one so it gets infected when I have a UTI. EVERY. TIME. My doctor said to go to a urologist but I think paying a hooker to just remove the thing would be cheaper.

  125. Hi Jenny, the Bloggess. I am so glad your kidneys are getting better, and that is excellent advice about the surgical prostitutes. They are a clever bunch, those surgical prostitutes, and you have to stay one step ahead. I’m support you whole-heartedly on the call for more Xanax everywhere. The world needs more Xanax.

  126. You have no idea how excited I was to read this post (which is less weird than that sounds)…because SOMEONE ELSE OUT THERE has been living with the same doubling over in pain kidney infection as I have been this week! Seriously, between kicking back martinis, popping percocet, and taking xanax, I couldn’t figure out why I was so much pain.

    Between that and all the peeing, naturally all the men in my office think my “kidney infection” is a cover up for being pregnant again.

    Can you get xanax with a prescription from or another online outlet? Who doesn’t carry xanax?

  127. In Hooker Skool, “kidney removal” comes between “how to avoid arrest” & “how to knock out your client & abscond with his money”. I failed the other ones, but I got an “A+” in kidney removal. For you, babe, I’d do it for free.

  128. That fucking blows, dude. I happen to feel your pain. Well, not literally. And probably only, like, 1/4 of it. I have a super-fun immune deficiency called lupus (and I swear to every single god I don’t believe in, if you say, “It’s never lupus,” I will stab you in the eye with a squirrel). Lupus likes to attack organs in the body, and one of its favorites is the kidney. I’ve been hospitalized with kidney infections twice before, and both times I was certain that my kidney had been infected by one of those face-sucker aliens from that movie Aliens, and was attempting to rip itself free of my body in an attempt at world domination. Or to do that weird straw-hat and cane dance like the alien from Spaceballs.

    Anyway, here’s to feeling better. You can’t see me, but I’ve raised my fancy wine glass of whiskey and Coke to you. And no worries, your lack of caffeine and booze just means there’s that much more to enjoy when your kidney is less hurty. I’m still making up for my last kidney infection. Is it worth it? Only when you’re healthy again, and maybe a little bit drunk. Don’t try to argue until you’re better and wasted.

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