Conversation I had with Victor at the gas station that we go to every morning for coffee after we take Hailey to school:
Victor: Dude, we look fucking crazy. Everyone else in here is in a suit on the way to work. You’re wearing pajamas and my shirt says “That’s MY potpie”.
me: We don’t look crazy. No one cares.
Victor: I could wear a thong and one flip-flop and not look more out of place.
me: We look fine. We look like we work from home. At…some sort of meth lab.
Victor: When we get home I’m calling my boss to ask if it’s okay if I start another business on the side since it’s not technically competing with my real work. I’ll be all “Sir, it’s a meth lab. No conflict of interest there.”
me: Except that it’s a lab and technically you work in a medical field so we should probably register the meth lab in my name on the legal papers. Plus I’m a girl so I can probably get one of those government grants for women. Do we have to report meth lab earnings on our taxes?
Victor: Like, we’d be H & R Block screaming “No, it’s a Meth LAB. Like, short for laboratory. It’s science.”
me: Exactly. But first we should go the bank to ask for a business loan. And I’d be all “I need money for a small start-up. It’s basically the same business plan as growing tomatoes in my own house and then selling them at the farmers market. Except instead of tomatoes it’s meth. But it’s organic so it’s technically healthy. I make it myself“.
Victor: And then we should go to open houses and ask the Realtors how thick the firewalls are and loudly measure the kitchen for all of our lab equipment.
me: No, dude. We RENT. We meet with the owners and we’re all “So, hypothetically, if there was some sort of explosion, do you have insurance to cover that? Because we have a lot of expensive equipment and product that would need to be replaced. Meth doesn’t just grow on trees you know.” Wait, does meth grown on trees?
Victor: No idea. “Hypothetically, have you ever had to barricade the doors here and if so, how successful was it on a scale from 1 to 10?”
me: Awesome.
Victor: And then the home owners would be all “Well, you’re going to have to fill out some paperwork first” and we’d be like “NO. NO PAPERWORK. We pay in cash only.”
me: “Or in meth. Unless you don’t like meth. Then we don’t either.”
me (to the check-out lady as we’re leaving): We don’t really have a meth lab.
Check-out lady: Oh. Okay.
Victor: I don’t think she bought it. She’s probably calling the police right now.
me: No. She’s probably calling the local meth lab to warn them. This town is tiny. They don’t need that kind of competition here.
Victor: Well, good luck, local meth lab. We’re going to fucking crush you.
me: Hmm. We’re never going to fit in here, are we?
Victor: Not even a little.