Google is trying to get me high.

Last week I had to write about heroin but I always spell it wrong so I looked up “heroine” (def: a female hero) and this is what Google gave me:

Awesome. I’m switching to Yahoo.

*****************

And in other news, I’m a day behind on my Shit-I-Did-This-Week post but I’m giving myself a pass because I spent much of yesterday looking for a giant bear for you. True story.  On Saturday we were on the way to the movies (spoiler alert: Everyone in the new Harry Potter movie needs zoloft) when I saw an ENORMOUS dead animal on the side of the road and there were these girls tiptoing up to it and I was all “TURN AROUND!  I JUST SAW A BEAR” and Victor was all “There are no bears in Central Texas” and I was like “YES.  THAT’S WHY I’M YELLING SO LOUD” but he refused to turn around because we were running late and on the way home it was too dark so the next day I made him drive me all over the highway looking for it again and he was quite grumpy and insisted it was probably a dog but then we saw it and I was all “OMG, IT’S FUCKING BIGFOOT” but then we pulled up closer and it was like half Russian Wild Boar and half giant Wildebeest.  I took a picture of it from the car with my phone and I’m not going to post it here just in case you don’t want to see a day-old animal because I’m considerate that way.  But if you’re subscribed to my flickr feed you’re fucked. Also, it looks way smaller in the picture because I didn’t want to get out of the car to get near it in case it was a chupacabra wearing a dead boar suit as camouflage.  Those bastards are totally tricky.  Victor says I’m not allowed to direct our road trips anymore.

Wow.  That was a really convoluted side-note.  I apologize for that.

So here’s what you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):

• The sexiest thesaurus ever.

What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

• The joys and horrors of after-Halloween sales.
• James Garfield makes a cameo.

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

• If you love your children (or fairies) you will force them to read this.

What you missed on the internets:

• A sneak peak at the Blogger Body Calendar
• The Traveling Red Dress was featured on StoryBleed.
• I’m pretty sure this is a compliment.

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

• MORE GENIES!
• I fucking love this whole series.
• This is the dumbest thing to make me smile all day.
• Damn You, Autocorrect
• I might be one of the only people in the world who thinks this is funny.