Google is trying to get me high.

Last week I had to write about heroin but I always spell it wrong so I looked up “heroine” (def: a female hero) and this is what Google gave me:

Conclusion: Google is a sexist drug-peddler.

Awesome. I’m switching to Yahoo.

*****************

And in other news, I’m a day behind on my Shit-I-Did-This-Week post but I’m giving myself a pass because I spent much of yesterday looking for a giant bear for you. True story.  On Saturday we were on the way to the movies (spoiler alert: Everyone in the new Harry Potter movie needs zoloft) when I saw an ENORMOUS dead animal on the side of the road and there were these girls tiptoing up to it and I was all “TURN AROUND!  I JUST SAW A BEAR” and Victor was all “There are no bears in Central Texas” and I was like “YES.  THAT’S WHY I’M YELLING SO LOUD” but he refused to turn around because we were running late and on the way home it was too dark so the next day I made him drive me all over the highway looking for it again and he was quite grumpy and insisted it was probably a dog but then we saw it and I was all “OMG, IT’S FUCKING BIGFOOT” but then we pulled up closer and it was like half Russian Wild Boar and half giant Wildebeest.  I took a picture of it from the car with my phone and I’m not going to post it here just in case you don’t want to see a day-old animal because I’m considerate that way.  But if you’re subscribed to my flickr feed you’re fucked. Also, it looks way smaller in the picture because I didn’t want to get out of the car to get near it in case it was a chupacabra wearing a dead boar suit as camouflage.  Those bastards are totally tricky.  Victor says I’m not allowed to direct our road trips anymore.

Wow.  That was a really convoluted side-note.  I apologize for that.

So here’s what you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):

What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on the internets:

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

68 thoughts on “Google is trying to get me high.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I knew this day would come … the first couple of years, all the cool stuff is free, and now we’re all addicted, so you bring out the “you gotta subscribe to my feed from now on …” line. Way to be the crack dealer of blogtopia.

  2. In my 19 years of existence I have never thought to ask a genie for more genies. I don’t know if that makes me dumb or unoriginal. Or both.

  3. LMAO! Thanks for the morning (almost afternoon) laugh. BTW – in TN, it’s legal to pick up the roadkill off the road, take it home, and do, well, whatever. No, I don’t know what the ‘whatever’ is, and I don’t want to know, but I have a vision of The Beverly Hillbillies and roadkill stew. Just sayin’ . . .

  4. I had all these witty things to say (maybe, you can’t prove I didn’t) but then I just got totally distracted by you crawling out of your own eye. Cue nightmares….and….GO!

  5. How did you find these things? Seriously I thought with the amount of time we troll the interwebz we have so far seen EVERYTHING!

    The Euphemism Generator will provide loads of fun for work. Thanks! Can’t believe I have never even heard of the Mary Kate series. And the I2Ncubator is PURE Brilliance! So what’s your personality? Svelte. Innocuous. Iconic. Ornery. Or Jack Cheddar?! It’s like, oh wait, are you behind this??!!

  6. I’m pretty sure whatever google employee responsible for the Heroin page is not only male, but probably also sampling the product, just to make sure the research is thorough. Good to know Google is full of sexist druggies.

  7. You saw a giant dead animal on the road, and I went into Deliverance country and saw one laying in one of the locals yard! Just laying there among the tires and rusted cars.
    People are freaky.

  8. Between this and the meth lab post you are most definitely now on the DEA watchlist. Next time you feel like there’s someone staking out your house that’s because there IS someone staking out your house.

    P.S. The dead boar/wildebeast gives all new meaning to the term “drug mule”

  9. Jenny,

    Try OneLook dictionary (http://www.onelook.com/)! It’s a little more scholarly than Google so it’s less likely to push drugs on you, but it might not give you as much material for your blog!

    One time, I Googled “meth mountain” because I saw a documentary that said that’s the current nickname of the area my parents come from and then I started getting all this unsolicited stuff about meth addiction sent to my email! Apparently, if you Google any drug, you are assumed to be an addict. I cleared my temporary files and cookies and that helped, but I still occasionally get a meth email.

  10. Did you not see The Social Network? Google is run by a bunch of teenagers who can’t spell their own names let alone female characters from Harry Potter aka Hermione. Which has always reminded me of heroine but not heroin.

    Until now.

    (Someone with impeccably good taste must’ve submitted that post to Story Bleed. Just statin’ the obvious… ;))

  11. Dude once I was riding in my mom’s car with her and it was Twilight (not the movie but the time of day) and she said “THERE’S A BEAR ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!” so we drove up further and turned around to drive back by it. Then again she yelled “THAT’S REALLY A BEAR!!!” So of course we had to turn around again and drive sloooooowly by it JUST to make sure. Then I yelled “IT’S A TRASH BAG!!” I think she felt dumb.

  12. As to your last link, “I might be one of the only people in the world who thinks this is funny,” well, I found it funny. CONTRACT!!!!!!!!

    I’m also going to post a link to a screencap I made of a sexual harassment online course I had to take to teach at a community college. I love the photo that accompanies the scenario and really really want to know more about the lives of Mandy and Rachel. They seem interesting.

    http://twitpic.com/3be9pr

    Oh, and also? Best parenting advice about drugs I’ve read in a long time. So, thanks.

  13. Google is very, very unsafe.

    Have you ever looked up “kid with a broken arm” ?

    Don’t.

    Don’t ever look up ANYTHING that could – even possibly – send you to a bunch of pictures of twisted body parts. Your eyes will cry.

  14. We live in a land with bears, and I can tell you that giant wild boar you photographed looks exactly like a dead bear only with a slightly longer snout. My husband once came downstairs in the middle of the night to find the bear sitting outside our back door eating kitty litter from the garbage can. He says, a) it was bigger than Bigfoot, and b) if it had been dead by the side of the road it would have looked just like your wild boar.

  15. I love how you made a special trip to see the road kill.

    I came home two weeks ago and there was a MASSIVE squirrel on the road… I wasn’t sure if it was dead, but I didn’t want it to suffer. I ended up crying for hours because the little bugger was dead and there was nothing I could do about it.

    And then you start climbing out of your own eye. I think I am far beyond traumatized. And I haven’t even clicked on your picture…. YET…

  16. I distrust Google. “Don’t be evil.” – You first, Google!

    Always been team Yahoo. How can you not? They’re YODELICIOUS! Yaaaaahhhhooooooo-oooooooooo!

  17. Dear Jenny – Tell the Houston Chronicle to fix all of their shit. Not just some of it. They changed the author portion so it reads by Jenny mom of six year old but the about section still says you have a 5 year old. Oh but maybe your responsible for changing it ? If that’s the case then you’re forgiven. They’re not.

    XO,
    Me

  18. True story. Everyone I know who has been a heroin user spells it like heroine. And every time I see it, I’m like, “after putting that up your nose for X amount of time, shouldn’t you know by now that you are in no way a protagonist in your life story?”

  19. I’m obsessed with roadkill too and I always want to turn around and check it out. Not because I’m a freak but because I’m always hoping to confirm that it wasn’t a cat or dog. When it actually was a cat or dog… well that just fucks up my whole day, honestly.

    But if I ever saw a Chewbacca Bear I’d totally pose for photos with it. I’d probably wear the thing as a meat suit for a week, not because I’m a freak but because it would just be awesome. That’s why.

  20. It’s obvious to me that what you saw was “Manbearpig.” He’s half man, half bear and half pig. Before someone lashes out at me for being a big, bad thief, I want to make it clear that I am aware that “Manbearpig” is from South Park.

    I am pretty sure that the post to the link that reads, “I’m pretty sure this is a compliment,” is a compliment. It was also a hilarious post. To me it kind of points out your web prominence that is generally known by most bloggers (and even general web-surfers.) If anyone should wonder, it is your commenters. In the comments section of that post she replied to someone else’s comment by saying, “Many that i visit are populated by #1 too and it’s very intimidating. That’s why I’ve kind of stopped reading the Bloggess. Seriously, how long do people sit there and ponder what they are going to comment back to her?” This is in a way giving your commenters a compliment (by saying that the comments you receive are witty…since they fit into #1, Commentus Loqueris Vici) and in a way implying that your commenters have no lives or too much time on their hands. The fact that she’s “kind of” stopped reading isn’t due to your material, it’s due to your commenters. So I wouldn’t perceive it as a put down or anything. You just have an intimidating group of commenters with lots of time to ponder.

    That mooog dude has some funny one-liners. The Danny Devito comment was hilarious.

  21. You should’ve tied that sucker to the roof of your car and brought it home. Your local taxidermist could’ve made some sort of decorative furniture out of it. And you’d have a great big supply of mystery meat to boot. Mmmmmm…..mystery meat.

    Also, don’t crawl out of your own eyeball anymore. It can’t be good for your ocular nerve. Or something.

  22. Hey girl just wanted to send a big thanks for putting the link to #4trevor on the sidebar, that was super awesome of you. His surgery is tomorrow am ( tuesday 11/30) I will send out updates as his cousin sends them in to me.

  23. “The species of commenters” article is an excellent endorsement of the quality of people that you have brought together. I regard them as friends of my friend (you) and I have even made connections with some of them along the way. I just couldn’t read one of your posts without reading the comments. They are all awesome people.

    On a side note, I was trolling the web and encountered a pic that made me wonder. If Jenny was a cat. I have entitled this pic “Stabby Monday” http://twitpic.com/3bfmt4 As soon as I found it I said to myself “yeah, I know THAT look”. Someones gunna get stabbed.

  24. Google, google, google… What in the world are we going to do with Google? Not only is it a sexist, drug peddling search engine, but it’s the Oprah of the internet… (Not to say Oprah isn’t aiming for an interwebz takeover soon.)

  25. I’ve been thoroughly enjoying all of this for quite awhile now– you are just the best, don’t ever change. Except possibly for the better. If possible.

  26. Jenny ……… thanks for placing the link for Trevor on your blog. NOW……. I want to know who or what I have to blow to get on that list too ……..lol.!!

  27. Damn You, Auto Correct just ruined my productivity for the next week. Which sucks, because I have 2 papers to write. Oh well, that’s what procrastination is for. Oh and WTF is with the backwards bend dude on that last web link?

  28. I can’t click on any of that because I’m so disturbed by the HAND TRYING TO PRY OPEN THE MOTHER FUCKING EYE LID.
    My eye is watering just thinking about it.

  29. i actually parked beside a car in the parking lot of a godforsaken bar in the middle of nowhere N.C. last wkend and someone had actually placed roadkill on the trunk of the car beside mine…..a guy walked up and said, “oh look! it’s the blueplate special!”

    true story.

  30. Yesterday I checked out Alexa for the first time, and apparently one of the searches used to reach my blog is “Heroin Mother’s Little Helper.” Which made me oddly pleased.

  31. Once while driving home from work (in Western NY), I had to slam on the breaks to avoid hitting a small(ish) sized bear that ran across the road in front of me. Not totally uncommon in our part of the world. I was telling my husband (who is not totally familiar with our area) that I thought it was probably a ‘teenage’ bear, based on the size of it. And he looked at me in all seriousness and asked me if it was riding a skateboard and wearing headphones and that’s how I could tell. And I said DUH, teenagers don’t skateboard anymore, it was texting and listening to its iPod….men…they just don’t get it.

  32. Jenny I think I saw that pig in the last episode of The Walking Dead. Are you sure it didn’t bite you? Did you get it taxidermied, so it can join James Garfield on your wall?

    ~EdT.

  33. You realize that picture you took is of the cousin of your mounted head critter (Chester A. Arthur, or Grover Cleveland, can’t remember its name), don’t you? I’m sure he’s in mourning right now for his fallen family member. Given his Victorian roots, I hope you have suitably attired him in a tall hat with a band of black crepe. And, dude, obvious next question: WHY haven’t you posted a picture of him in mourning for us to see???!?

  34. Edward Cullen killed it, he should know what it is. Ask him the next time you’re in the bathroom and he shows up in the mirror.

  35. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s a boar. *lol* Hit one going 80 mph once…quite the mess. I’d rather look at your dead animal than that one 🙂

  36. Although it looks like a javelina, it’s most likely a dancing goat. They migrate through here this time of year on their way south to escape the cold. And the trappers from the circus.

    What I want to see is whatever vehicle hit it! You KNOW it’s got a bloody big bloody dent in it.

  37. This one time I was having lunch with two friends. While one of them went to the bathroom, my other friend explained to me that the one currently in the shitter used to have a heroin problem. My response, which was said in all seriousness, was, “Oh. So he is attracted tot he strong female archetype kind of thing?”

    I’m not sure what’s funnier. The fact that I mistook a drug for a strong female archetype, or that I think dating a strong female archetype is worthy of being labeled as a “problem”.

    Win.

  38. honestly it’s hard to find relevant info on google sometimes if you are searching for a specific string of words… they all need some tweaking(pun intended!)

  39. Did you know that gmail does it as well?
    A friend had a girlfriend break up with him by gmail. Gmail ran dating side advertisements on the side. I would have gone with liquor, myself.

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