I’ve been in a depression this last week and honestly, I’d probably still be in bed but I made a promise to update my substack every week and it forced me to write, which actually helped in a strange way. Just in case you aren’t signed up for it, here’s what I shared today. I’ll be back here soon. Promise.
I’m writing this a day late because I’ve been in a depression and I wanted to give myself time. This last week I drew a lot…using images to get out my feelings…but I don’t quite have the words yet. This image felt right though:
Sometimes the skies are dark and the waves may rise around us, but still we stand. It can be frightening and disorienting, but still…we are here. I’m not abandoning kindness and love and the knowledge that light always comes, eventually. I’m not abandoning joy and silliness…because clinging to it and celebrating it is what we will remember most. I’m not abandoning hope and trust…even when it sometimes feels harder to practice. And even if the world may seem a little cold today, know that you are here with me in this stony tower that may sway but doesn’t crumble. I’m not abandoning myself. I’m not abandoning you. Don’t abandon who you are.
Today this popped up in my fortune cookie:
“Mind your words; they have the power to build or destroy.”
And I suppose that’s true in many ways. Words can destroy beautiful things, but they can also dismantle terrible things. They can build communities and hope and rebellion and comfort. And right now I will use mine to remind you that you are not alone. I’m so glad you’re here.
So I guess maybe I did have some words after all.
Hugs,
Jenny
Ps. I took this photo with Dorothy Barker in the background (because who doesn’t need a dog pic?) and she snatched it out of my hand and then immediately regretted it and I had to fish it out of her mouth while she was looking at me like, “WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE COOKIE IF IT IS NOT COOKIE” and I was like, “I DON’T KNOW, DOTTIE. THE WORLD IS UPSIDE DOWN SOMETIMES” and she was like, “Girl, are you okay?” and I took a deep breath to regroup and assured her that I was going to be fine and so Dottie and I are going downstairs for a little sweet treat because I think maybe we all deserve cookies and milkbones.
Treat yourself kindly, friend. I super crazy love you.
I didn’t even know how much I needed this…until I read it. Thank you for finding the strength to post…
What a week 🙁 thank you for this. It’s good to have reminders that we aren’t alone out there.
As I lay here in bed, I’m glad that you get it. Because only those who get it get it. You know? I’m learning how to give myself time. I know I’ll get better. And so are you!
Pretty depressed this week also. Thank you for coming up for air here. We need everyone we can touch base with in order to survive and that’s not hyperbole.
Thank you.
I’m scared. Not just due to this week’s election..
I’m on my third layoff, I have my daughter to worry about while she is in college here and still at home. Trying to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies while I try desperately to find work.
And now I’m also navigating the looming potential of a break up with the love of my life because distance is hard and he doesn’t know how we get from long distance to in person.. This is a week out from him being here, and not being ready to go home. I’m rudderless and terrified.
I don’t know what to do and am trying so desperately not to spiral and allow myself to slip into the darkness I know is just under surface. I don’t know how to stop it. To keep going. It’s too much.
But knowing people like you exist helps.. even a little.
I’m not ok.
I am a firm believer that words have power, and you have wielded yours so well 🌻🌈💜✨
Sending you lots of love and hugs Jenny🤍⭕️
I have hope for the first time in a long while, and I know it’s going to be okay. I truly hope everyone struggling will hang in there and know that we are only good when we work together to make strong connections and communities. Thank you for always giving hope through your struggle and your strength.
Thank you for posting and for writing. Sometimes when we think we are empty, it’s the best time to write because that’s when we realize we’re so full of words that when our fingers touch the keys or hold the pen it flows out of us and it’s then we realize that we were drowning in words and emotions and it’s only when we spit them all out on the page that we can breathe.
Thank you for this. I’ve been in a dark place and worried even more than usual about my trans, non-binary kid (who shares a birthday with your kid!) this past week. Sending positive thoughts back your way…
Thank you. I needed that, too. I’ll remember the Tower on those days I don’t want to get out of bed. (Happening a lot recently)
Thanks for your uplifting words and spirited art! I’m amazed that you can be so uplifting while feeling so depressed. Hopefully you find that helpful; you’ve helped my mindset today! Thank you for how you share yourself with us. <3
Thank you. My 2 trans nephews also thank you. My gay mother in law. My gay brother in law. My gay cousin. And the rest of the families on both sides. We still have strength in numbers, even when they do too.
Oh Jenny, thank you! This is beautiful. Feel quite lucky to be in that tower with you and this supportive community you have created!
Dear Jenny,
Thank you for finding the 🥄🥄🥄 to get out of bed and write this.
You make the world a better place for us.
Much love,
Susan
Jenny, you are the one light I’ve seen in the past week, swear to god. Thank you, for you. And for Dorothy Barker. I love you so.
xoxo
Wanda
Thank you. This helped. I, too, have been deeply depressed since the election. I’m close to 80 and thinking this might have been my last presidential campaign. It’d be a very sucky note to go out on, you know. So thank you for these words: I needed to hear them. Sending thoughts and prayers Haley’s way (plus I will be contributing dollars to LGBTQ+ causes).
I super crazy love you back!
And all your fans, too!
There is strength in numbers.
When they come for one of us, they come for all of us.
Divided we are weak, together we are strong!
We may feel like climbing into bed and pulling the covers over our heads with caffeine and chocolate to keep us going, but we also have your light shining through your posts and pointing the way to keeping on the path to tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. Every step, no matter how small, is a triumph against despair.
I just keep thinking about Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz and how no matter what crazy thing she encountered, and no matter how scared she was, she found strength in making new friends and standing up for herself, and for others like her who were also struggling.
We are all in this together.
Hang in there.
I’ve been so so so sad this week. Knowing that we are not alone is helping, but my stupid brain has been trying to tell me otherwise all week. We will push through, practice kindness and care, and hopefully get lots of care and love and licks from our pets.
Made me tear up b/c, me too. Love you and that you keep on.
I feel like being a lifer here in Texas we have already been living what the rest of the US will begin to encounter.
I am moving forward with loving kindness to support those who will need to know who they can trust and who will be there to help. Thank you for always being a shining kindness to us all even in your darkness.
All my love Jenny!! Sending you all.my jest juju! 🥰🥰🥰❤️❤️❤️
Dorothy Barker, I strongly agree with your concern. Truth in all things, especially when cookies are involved. And Jenny, that drawing is exactly how I feel as a small blue dot in an increasingly red country. I feel the hate flooding the nation, and I’m climbing further up the tower. I know the tower will stand, but I’m worried the flood waters will rise above it, and then what happens? Maybe we can all connect our towers to a lifeline with some buoys tied to it.
I’m so glad you’re here. We (all) will get through this.
You are the light trough the storms and most times after a storm come a rainbow 🌈🌈🌈🌈
My kids have been really struggling lately. It has made me question many of my choices, including the wisdom of thinking I could raise children. I think it was the first time I have recognized I was experiencing depression as I went through it. Until I had to explain at work how I spent the few days off I took and my distracted state when I returned. Then my coworkers turned into such a tremendous support group I could cry (for a good reason for a change).
For anyone who needs to hear it: It’s going to get better. It will be okay. You aren’t alone.
When little more than a child, my brother died in my arms on the front lawn of our house. My father fought to revive him, raced him to the hospital to try and save him. Months later my father sensed my grief was no lessening and saw me slipping below and through his own great sorrow told me I need to tell you something you will not like but you need to embrace.
What I demanded
LIFE DO GO ON, he responded.
It is so very true. Life do go on with you or without you. I have tried always to go on in spite of some harsh circumstances.
LIFE DO GO ON!
What an awesome, comforting, calming post. And Dorothy was the icing on the sweet gift.
An awesome quote, Jenny. and a necessary reminder to us all how our words really do matter.
Hang in there, darling Jenny. I’m going to go against the grain here (which is kind of a jump for me) and say that I’m from the half of the voters that are not sad this week. But I’m only telling you this to say that I see you and feel your suffering, and that I love you so much. And that we can all get through everything together. And again, I just love you
This past Thursday was the first day that I have been out of the house since October 31st.
I had 2 appointments, back to back.
Hair, Physical Therapy.
I was greeted, by both women, with “Are you O.K.?” and a hug.
Told them, “No, not today. But soon.”
Going to have an embarrassment of tea and cookies, because we need energy to resist.
You are crazy loved, too, Jenny.
Skritch the animal fam, for me.
I keep telling myself to be an Ember from November .Be A tiny spark of positivity that remained after it felt like the fire inside us was put out on that day. Embers can slowly burn for a long time and just one ember can ignite a raging fire!!
To Commenter number 30
MB
November 12, 2024 at 4:16 pm
I am here for you too, because we are all in this world together. We sink or swim together.
You are right! I adopted a senior cat with enchanting green eyes from the pound over the weekend, & we’re both happier. Also, do a search for Australian Firefighters Calendar. Strictly medicinal. Be well, Jenny.
It was a particularly rough day today but your words and Dorothy Barker’s sweet face were a little ray of sunshine. May we all be kind to ourselves and others.
The most important wars we win will be the ones within ourselves.
I super crazy love you too 🙂 <3
I needed this. Thank you💜
Jenny, your words always inspire, especially now when hope is hard to come by. Thank you for writing and for being you. Sending a big hug.
💕 you speak truth!
Grasping at anything that gets me beyond just moving one foot in front of the other. This entry, and so SO MANY of the responses, helps a LOT. Last week when I tried to sing in chorus, I ended up merely trying not to cry openly. No joy, no performance. I came home and wept in fear that I would never again have the joy within me to sing.
This week I’ll try again and remember the straws of hope and encouragement floating on this rising, awful, fear-full sea engulfing our once-great nation. I’ll keep reading your blogs and your readers’ replies, and keep healing slowly but surely. I believe I will someday sing again as though I mean it.
Thank you to you all, furkids included!
Thank you for this ❤️ saying I feel distraught is actually an understatement. Really hoping everyone does their part so we can come out of this darkness in “one piece”
Back at you! It has been a week from hell, but we are in this together. I will be in San Antonio a few days after Thanksgiving, and I will be visiting your bookstore – it’s the #1 item on my bucket list. (Previous #1s were having dinner on the Eiffel Tower, seeing a flamingo in the “real world” – not just a zoo, and having Prosecco from a wine window in Florence, Italy.). I hope you will be at the bookstore when I visit!
This was such a sweet gift today!
Thank you, my friend that I’ve never met. Your words and art are a blessing. The laughter that you unlock is a miracle!
This was perfect. So much what I’m feeling. Thank you.
I have been spending a lot of energy holding space for many people the last seven days. It’s hard to find hope.
I’m in my solitary tower this week. Sending smoke signals of love and comfort to other solitary towers out there.
Thank you. I’ve been cycling between anger, fear, and deep sadness. I thought we were better than this, and it’s painful to realize how many people don’t hold my sort of values. People I know will be greatly and personally affected, which breaks my heart. So again, thank you for your words.
A lot of things are terrible right now, but trying to remember the good things (and good people) are still there. We’re not alone. Love you!!
Thank you !!
Thank you for these words. I needed them this week. This blog is a place I can go when I’m feeling like this and find community and hope and I super crazy love you back for providing this space. Time to put my Let’s Pretend This Never Happened audiobook back on because it never fails to make me laugh. Hugs. 🥰
Yes, totally. Sometimes and especially lately, the world IS upside down. I paint and draw and it helps me balance my anxiety and depression, but when I’m too anxious and depressed I just stare at blank paper. Sometimes for days. Deciding to make the first mark seems to make all the difference. Plus also sometimes just ripping paper and collaging gets me over the edge before I go over the cliff… hope you find your words soon! xo
I love this. Thank you. Like you and so many others, I have retreated this week…being bombarded with so many emotions that it crippled me. But goodness always prevails—not always as quickly as we would like, but while we’re waiting we learn and grow. It will come and we will survive to come out on the other side. Much love to you. ❤️
And I super crazy love you!
I needed this so much. Thank you, Jenny. Sending you so much love.
I’ve been lurking around your blogs and books, and I have to tell you that you are reminding me so much of my dear friend and mentor, Kelly Carlin. I only found you because i figured out that you may be the only person on the planet who has a copy of a cassette tape from the 80’s that i’ve been looking for for years (so random). And as i was trying to find you, to ask if i could make a copy, i discovered so much about you and I’m pretty damn sure that we should be friends. And FWIW, we are going to be OK. Detoxing from news media and TikTok the last 2 days has helped lift the depression for me a bit. Thank you for putting kindness and hope into the world. I appreciate you.
I get it…love to you. 💜
Just… Thank you for being you. 💜
I’ve been drawing a bit this past week and read
The Travelling Cat Chronicles and The Goodbye Cat by Hiro Arikawa. I absolutely loved those two books. I purposefully avoided social media for a few days. Anyway, this year has been hard and isn’t ending in a very positive way. Yet there are still things that we can find joy in. Like books, music and your art and words Thank you.
Thank you❤️
Well, I’m sinking further in, so sorry. My life is crap right now. The election made me physically ill. It made me angry at women, angry at everyone. Personal crap made it worse. The bad guy always, always wins. And I’m not just talking about the election. In my life, somehow, the bad guy always wins. I keep waiting for Karma or Divine Intervention or the Universe to step in and correct things, but it just hasn’t happened. Hate always wins and they will find my dead, withered body alone on the high road. Apparently, that’s how life works in my world.
(I know. I’m sorry. But I believe in hope and I believe in you. Keep breathing. Nothing last forever. ~ Jenny)
I’m a 50 year old woman and I have never in my life struggled with anxiety or depression. It was just literally something I NEVER felt, because never in my life did I feel powerless.
This is such a new and weird concept for me. Not going to lie, I am spiraling a little. I will look to those who have trod this road before me to help guide me through.
I’m losing hope and trying to do small kindnesses where I can, they make others smile and for a minute I feel a little better, but still crying everyday.
I am not okay either. Am terrified – may possibly lose my job in a few years as I work as a federal contractor at a small HHS agency that has been a target for years. This time they may very well succeed. I am a few years off of retirement so may need to retire early because who hires somebody my age? Luckily I live with my family so am not worried about a mortgage (sold my house several years ago). I am widowed. Have suffered anxiety and depression my whole life and am slightly neurodivergent. Not sure how to cope. Hanging on is very very hard. Please pray for me and all of us who are suffering. Big hugs to you Jennifer. I don’t know how you can survive in Texas. I at least live in a very blue state.
Thank you for being in my universe, Jenny! Another action for this week for me comes from Rachel Maddow: join something. Anything. To reach out in community with others. So I signed up for the Queer Death Book Club. Because of course I did!
Thank you. We need to cling to the good people and good communities right now – you are very much needed and appreciated
I love you guys.
Spot on Jenny, as always
You’re loved so much more than you know.
I super love you too!
Thank you for being you. You’re an inspiration.
Have no words either.
Can anyone recommend decent recent science fiction movies? Need some escapism.
@Jenny. What happened to your instagram?
Thank you, Jenny. You always find the perfect words for the moment.
You make it all better, thank you xx
Cookies and Milkbones…….oh girl I love you and hug you from afar.
Thank you for reminding us about kindness and joy when it’s so easy to forget they still exist! I’m grateful for your wisdom, your art, and your stellar knowledge of treat therapy.
I really needed this today. I have had a very rough week due to the election and other factors too and I’m so glad to read this as well as all of the wonderful supporting comments from others too. We are not alone in this. And we will all get through this together.
With tears of gratitude, thank you!
Love. For all of you. And trying to accept love for me too. 😉
This is EXACTLY the post I needed to read today. Thank you so much! I’m saving it to read and read and read and read and read again. 💖
Thank you for being you.
Jenny, this is a beautiful and honest piece. Thank you for sharing your experience with depression. It’s so important to normalize these feelings and know we’re not alone.
The image you shared is powerful, and your words about clinging to kindness, love, and hope are truly inspiring. It’s a reminder that even in the darkest times, there’s always light to come.
And Dorothy Barker? Stealing the photo and then demanding cookies – that’s the perfect ending!
Sending you virtual hugs and cookies (and milkbones for Dottie!). Keep writing, Jenny. Your words have the power to build and comfort, and we all need that right now.
Much love,
khalidelarbi
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اغانى مهرجانات
I am way behind on your blog posts and have just been treating myself to a binge of your writing. Scrolling the comments I saw so many kind words of support for you regarding your health struggles, but NO ONE seems to have told you that you are not alone on the dog-eating-fortunes front! My mastiff-mix Athena is also a fortune thief, but she’s considerably larger than Dorothy Barker and less willing to part with an illicit snack once it’s in her giant maw— she’s not much for chewing and thinks if it smells like a cookie and is unattended, it’s fair game. This has led to much concern (and lots of inconclusive googling) on my part about where these cookies are made and whether the ink is edible. Fortunately, Athena eats lots of stuff she’s not supposed to, but none of it has killed her yet (though I did have to call pet poison control TWICE one weekend for two separate incidents, and prefaced the second call with the likely unconvincing claim that “really she is well-supervised she’s just determined and sometimes she outsmarts us”). So anyway, know that you’re not alone. The struggle is REAL.