Every few months I go into my notes app on my phone to look at all of the reminders that I’ve written to myself that I have forgotten to do and inevitably there will be several notes that are deeply concerning because what was I even talking about? My latest one read simply:
“I’M NOT PAYING $700 FOR PICTURES OF INTERNAL CAT FARTS.“
Quite often I never figure out what these baffling messages mean and chalk them up to things I thought were hilarious in a dream (that were not hilarious at all the next morning) but then it clicked that a month ago I saw a string coming from Ferris Mewler’s butthole and I had to take him to the vet because clearly he’d eaten a ribbon and the vet was like, “He seems fine and probably passed it all, but we could do an X-ray?” and I asked if she’d do an X-ray if it was her cat and she was like, “Well, probably not because if there’s any more string it won’t actually show up in the x-ray but it could show if he has any blockages or unusually large gas pockets but we’d have to sedate him and it would be about $700″ and I was like, “I’M NOT PAYING $700 FOR PICTURES OF INTERNAL CAT FARTS” and the vet agreed that it was probably fine to just keep an eye on him. And I wrote that note to myself because these are sentences you don’t think you’ll say out loud until you become a cat mom, but I didn’t write about it at the time because I was afraid I’d jinx myself and then the next day Ferris Mewler would take a bad turn and then everyone on the internet would be like, “YOU SHOULD HAVE PAID FOR THE FARTS, YOU IDIOT” and then I forgot about the whole thing until today when I came across the note and remembered that Ferris was just fine and I could give myself a little high-five because I’d actually managed to make a good decision after all. I’m not sure if any of this makes sense because I’m on a lot of codeine cough syrup for a nasty cold but there’s something a little comforting about recognizing that maybe I’m making more good decisions than I give myself credit for, even if some of them are about cat farts.
Ferris Mewler (Totally alive and lightly mortified and probably dreaming about eating more ribbon):
you have the best vet! mine is always trying to pawn off unneeded tests
Good Call. I have a hard $599 limit for internal fart imagery of any animal.
My cat (that lived to 22) had long hair and loved to lick herself like a madwoman. I would too if I could, by the way. But, along with those creepy regurgitated hairball logs, she had hairball turds. I once saw one daintily hanging out and tugged it. Do not do this my friends! I am sure there are many ways to help with these tiny butt tidbits (daily brushing) but give them some ‘hairball remedy’ to ease those suckers out. Thanks for listening to a yucky topic. But if you love your cat give them some of that paste. And hope they don’t flick it on your white sofa. And I am going to say this too: cute puss!
Been there! “The cat ate WHAT?” Ferris is adorable, by the way.
Some cats just can’t resist ribbon or string. That’s a mighty high price for a xray of a cat fart!
This is great. It’s the kind of thing that all pet friends experience at some point but your way with words makes this extra special.
I’m fostering puppies right now and wee-wee pad destruction is their ribbon equivalent. Sigh.
I do this too and have many very weird strings of nonsense in my notes app. Somewhat related- my cat once ate some string and it came out with poop attached which resulted in the creation of the word poopon. It’s a combination of poop and tampon. He was a grey kitty so this evolved into periodically making sure he did not have any grey poopon.
When my oldest cat Smoo was young (he’s almost 16 now), he loved to scare the hell out of me by eating anything string. I spent a lot of time at the ER vet and on “poop watch” during those years. Then he developed mega colon and we switched to is it a blockage or just constipation. Good times. He’s old enough now that he stopped eating random things so I can be pretty confident it’s just constipation. But of course I decided to adopt two kittens-who are almost 2 now-and start the crazy cycle all over again. Wheeeeee
Celebrate the wins!!! Best advice I learned in therapy. Take the win no matter how small, and $700 is so not small. So big win.
Great story! My kitty ate some dental floss once. Grossest thing I’ve pulled out of a kitty booty because it was no longer white. She seemed fine and now I’m hyper vigilant on dental floss disposal.
I don’t know if it’s sad or hilariious that I immediately knew what you meant. I have a dog who’s always eating weird stuff, and I have considered getting X-rays to see if she’s okay, but I’ve decided she has an iron stomach and does just fine, and honestly, I just don’t want to see what didn’t make it out.
Thank for the laugh! Always good timing for the end of the month.
My elderly cats LOVE ribbon. I will think it is completely hidden, and … nope. They’ll be chewing on it.
Am I a bad cat mom because I’ve never taken then to the vet when the ribbon is being expelled?
My kitty ate a ribbon once but luckily he pooped it out (I bet you can guess what I had to do to find it). We took all the ribbons off the toys that had them.
It could have been worse. You could have thought that “ if I pull this will it be like one of the pull string dolls and make him talk.”
Our cat Pip had surgery to remove a shoelace he’d eaten. It was one of those kinds that have a cotton outer sheath around a nylon cord. The cord passed through him and the sheath bunched up inside. Of course I discovered this at 11pm. What a night. Post surgery the vet handed us a bag containing parts of a towel, tee shirt and random string that he’d been snacking on and she’d extracted from his colon.
My cat ate yarn and I was told to isolate her until it all came out. I can’t remember if I paid for cat fart pictures or not. She went on to live a long and happy life as my personal neck scarf and my kid had to seriously clean up their room!
my guess was that it involved an ultrasound and a pet, rather than an xray. those things are expensive!!
Back in school, I had a friend whose cat ate tinsel off the tree – imagine the family chasing it around the house to help dislodge the festive accoutrement.
I worked in a veterinary office in the 90s. One of my coworkers brought in her own cat that had a blockage and required surgery. The cat had swallowed a couple things including a penny. We gave her an additional one cent discount for the penny found in the cat’s intestine.
Ferris: “Mew Culpa”
It’s a shame we can’t remember things we did/thought that were good/correct as easily as those we f’ked up completely. Hooray for the win and for FM!!
Haha. I keep a pen and paper pad in my bathroom drawer b/c I constantly have a flash of what I think is brilliance or I just thought of the name of someone or something that’s been plaguing me for days or just to remind myself to do something the next day. Since the ideas for these notes usually occur as I was just going to sleep or woke me up in a panic or something, if I don’t write them down I won’t be able to go back to sleep. Now, I’d keep the notebook in my bedside drawer, but then I’d have to turn on my lamp and wake up my husband and he’d get mad, then I’d get mad, and I’d forget whatever it was, anyway, but I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep because I got mad. So when you think about it, these notes are really important to help us sleep at night, which is always a good thing. So yeah, high-5 yourself girl!
God, I love you!!!!!!!
Thank you! Needed that more than you could ever know. And yes, being a cat, pet, or regular mom makes you say crazy stuff! 😉
Lesson you made a great decision I have a cat and she ate a piece of garland from a Christmas tree 🌲 and I put a pair of rubber gloves and removed it when I it was pocking out of her but and it was DISGUSTING so yes no x ray for 700 dollars great idea 💡 by the way I believe that there is medical insurance for pet’s now if you are interested 😃!!!?
I’m not sure that Ferris is really mortified. In my experience, cats love to show their buttholes on Zoom.
I have to ask; how much would you pay for pictures of internal cat farts?
($20 max. ~ Jenny)
Have you ever noticed how BIG Ferris Mueller’s paws are?!
We have pet insurance for our eternally weird black cat, which I’m so glad for because this week we took him to the vet because something is up with him (likely just allergies, but we wanted to be sure) and the only diagnosis we came away with was “kinda fat”. Which I would have been pretty pissed to pay money to hear. (Yes, we know he’s “solid”, and yes, we’re working on it!)
So smart. Particularly asking the vet what they’d do for their cat. It reminded me of the time I was in excruciating pain at 3am. I couldn’t do anything to make it better and eventually went to ER. After many tests, including an X-ray, they diagnosed me as constipated. I realized I was going to pay more than a thousand dollars to be told I am full of $h1t. My note would say “I won’t pay $1500 to be told I’m FOS”.
Your raw honesty about self-talk is both hilarious and deeply relatable—like peeking into a shared human experience we rarely acknowledge. The way you balance darkness with humor (‘sentient anxiety meat’ might be my new band name) makes these terrifying messages feel less isolating. Thank you for turning vulnerability into connection—and laughs.
I don’t know, you probably could have framed Internal Fart, hung it over your mantle and passed it off as modern art. Missed a chance to be the envy of all your friends right there….
😉
When I was growing up we had a cat eat some ribbon at Christmas time. It had Merry Christmas printed on it. It started sticking out so my dad got some gloves on and started pulling(probably not the best thing to do in hindsight – no pun intended!). He was treated to Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Merry Christmas over and over again as he was pulling it out! A wonderful present from the cat(he was fine).
Just so excellent.
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