The Bloggess

This month’s new book releases held a few of my absolute favorites for the year, which made it quite hard to winnow them down to just two for my book club picks. A good problem to have though.

This month we’re sending Fantastic Strangelings When the Tides Held the Moon by Venessa Vida Kelley. It’s a fascinating historical fiction/fantasy about mermaids, sideshows, queer love, race, power, found families and more. And it is gorgeously illustrated inside and out. Big swoon.

And be sure to check your package because we’re dropping Fiesta medals in to celebrate 5 years of Strangelings! (I believe we still have a few left if you want to join the club this month, but hurry before they’re gone.)

And if you’re a member of the Nightmares from Nowhere Book Club you’re getting one of my favorite books of the year, The Devils by Joe Abercrombie. This is one of those books that I recommend to both horror lovers and non-horror lovers because even though it is filled with vampires, ghosts, zombies, necromancers and a bit of gore, it is also tremendously smart and funny. Like if Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy was possessed by demons. It’s the first in a series but it ends in a way that leaves you wanting more but is satisfying enough alone.

And if two books are not enough to distract you from the world being on fire, I got you. Here’s are a few other new May releases I loved:

The Butcher’s Daughter: The Hitherto Untold Story of Mrs. Lovett by Corinne Legh Clark and David Demchuk – The story of the vengeful barber Sweeney Todd has gripped fans but little has been told of Mrs. Lovett, Todd’s partner in crime. Until now.  A bloodcurdling correspondence of horror and intrigue, based on the original Victorian penny dreadful that started it all.

The Incandescent by Emily Tesh – Did you read Naomi Novik’s Scholomance series about a dark and dangerous magical boarding school?  It’s like that but from the perspective of the teachers.  If you’ve been or loved a teacher you’ll love this one.

The True Happiness Company: How a Girl Like Me Falls for a Cult Like That By Veena Dinavahi – In this wrenching, darkly funny memoir, a young Indian American woman’s quest for mental health is derailed by a charismatic alternative therapist who pulls her into his Mormon self-help cult.  Riveting.

We Can Do Hard Things by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach and Amanda Doyle. I love these people and this book.

Little Troublemaker Defends Her Name by Luvvie Ajayi – A lovely children’s book by my friend Luvvie for every child who could never find their name on a keychain.

Happy reading!

We’re moving to a smaller place and so I’ve been selling some things on Facebook marketplace, and I started with just normal descriptions but then I got bored and everything I’m posting now is ridiculous but I figure if I’m going to write ad copy it’s going to be entertaining, even if it’s just to me.

But I’m pretty sure I fucked with the algorithm because below are 15 of the local suggestions that have been given to me this week, and they are slightly terrifying because several of them are really speaking to me and I have to keep reminding myself that I need to be downsizing.

Am I the only one who gets stuff like this?

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A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess)

Yesterday I was at the hospital getting an endoscopy and biopsies for yet another terrible autoimmune thing that I don’t even remember the name of because my body has decided I have to have all of them and after I got into a bed the nurse told me to think of a song to play during the procedure because the doctor now lets you pick what plays while you go under anesthesia, and I’m 99% sure this is because of my husband turning into a werewolf. See, last year Victor had a procedure at the same place and when I came to see him in the recovery room he was very loopy and distraught because he insisted that he’d turned into a werewolf during the procedure and had ripped off the arms of his doctor. I explained that he was just still high but he was like, “They were playing Werewolves of London when I went under. WHAT DID THEY THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN? HOW WILL HE BE A DOCTOR WITH NO ARMS?” and eventually we had to get the doctor to come back to prove he still had his arms and even then Victor wasn’t entirely convinced.

Of course my head immediately went blank of any appropriate songs I’ve ever known and instead Victor and I started listing all of the songs I could request, including:

Norwegian Death Metal

Gin & Juice

Rawhide

That song that plays when Darth Vader is walking anywhere

The Liberty Mutual jingle that is basically just the word “Liberty” repeated over and over

The Oscar Mayer Weiner Song

My Vagina is Eight Miles Wide

The Czechoslovakian National Anthem

My Humps, My Humps, My Lovely Lady Lumps

The Meow Mix Jingle

The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round

Mister, Would You Please Help my Pony?

My Milkshake Brings All The Boys to the Yard

I also considered and then ruled out a number of songs that would be fun but possibly dangerous to play during a procedure, including The Hokey Pokey, The Macarena, Deep in the Heart of Texas and If You’re Happy and You know It Clap Your Hands.

Then the nurse came back because she thought I was crying because I guess most people aren’t laughing hysterically while waiting for stomach biopsies and in the end I couldn’t come up with anything good so I asked for Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon, which has some pretty questionable lyrics but is still a banger.

Spoiler: I survived and didn’t rip off anyone’s arms.

But today when I was walking Dorothy Barker I waved to the mailman and he was like, “Ow. Are you okay?” because it took several tries to get my IV in and I guess I blew out a vein because this is my arm today:

And then I said I was fine and that it was not from heroin, which probably seemed abrupt now that I think about it.

Anyway, please share any song suggestions that I missed because I’m sure there are lots of them.

My friend Xan sent me some giant easter bunny for Bone Crawford and I love them but…

Bone Crawford is no more. Or, actually she still exists but I had to take her down because we’re selling this house and moving to a smaller one in the same neighborhood because this house feels too big and empty now that Hailey has moved away to college. Sadly, Bone Crawford is one of MANY things that I now have to find new homes for because so much stuff doesn’t fit. I gave away a truckload of stuff and I’m going to put some stuff on eBay to help fund Hailey’s college but I have a shocking amount of weird shit that is too big to ship anywhere and my neighborhood doesn’t allow garage sales. Ideally I’d find a San Antonio collector with lots of space and weird tastes but I’m not super hopeful because here are just a few of the many, many things I need to sell:

The (working) head of a Middle-earth tree Ent.

Hand-painted 3-foot-tall faces of George and Martha Washington.

An entire footlocker filled with vintage mother-of-pearl buttons from a button factory, but they’re filthy and all need to be cleaned because the factory was abandoned for decades.

A very old plastic horse that I bought for Nowhere but it didn’t fit.

Bertram, the giant bear head.

An old english pram. Taxidermied head included, if needed.

An art door that I thought I could use as a real door but it didn’t fit anywhere.

A Victorian roller cranking organ with 10 incredibly haunted sounding songs on cobs.

Marie Antoinette parade statue from the 50s on top of a display filled with a dozen tiny wooden houses I built.

Literally dozens of weird prints on old book pages.

A wearable dress made out of damaged copies of my books.

A TARDIS bookcase that is too small for you to get into unless you are a baby.

A creaky victorian fold-up ladder that will absolutely not hold your weight even if you are said baby.

Also, a shocking amount of taxidermied animals in clothes, a number of haunted dolls (including one that moves), a communion tray of glasses in case you want to do a lot of shots with Jesus, an actual robot on wheels I bough during covid so that people could visit the store virtually but we ended up not using because the team thought it was too creepy, a metal chicken mixer where the drink pours out of the beak like it’s throwing up your cocktail, a purse made out of an alligator foot, and a partridge in a pear tree.

PS. The giant easter bunny ears were not wasted, as Sir Terry Scratchett is now happily wearing them at Nowhere:

Y’all. I’ve been a bit of a wreck lately and part of that is another bout of pernicious anemia (which absolutely sounds like a Lemony Snicket disease) and also some other autoimmune disease (BECAUSE I GUESS I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH?) that I haven’t been able to get tested for because the doctor says I’m too weak to be under anesthesia now, but with added shots and meds I’m actually feeling almost human today (FUCKING WHOOP!) and was just reading the local news when this popped up and I literally cried.

I don’t know how to embed so you have to click on this but just…ow, my heart. I want to hug everyone on the Nowhere team and everyone who has ever loved us. Sometimes you don’t know how much you need some unexpected joy until it shows up.

And on Saturday if you’re near San Antonio you should come to the San Antonio Book Festival because it’s free, it’s fun and it’s amazing. So many of my favorite authors are going to be there doing talks and signings. I’ll be there at 10am interviewing comedian Aida Rodriguez about her incredible book, Legitimate Kid and then I’ll be in the Nowhere tent right afterward.

Come say hi, or just wave from afar if you’re an introvert like me. I’ll be hiding under a table probably.

If you’re subscribed to my art substack you get an email from me every Monday with a doodle I’ve drawn and a few words of what I’m thinking. It’s a bit more earnest than what I write here because my (incredibly amateur) art is a tool I use to battle the harder parts of myself and the world, but every few months I like to share a letter here, just in case you need it. Today is one of those day:

Dear friend,

I recently read about this psychological study where people who were placed at the bottom of a hill perceived the hill as being higher and more difficult to overcome if they were alone. But if people were placed there with a friend they perceived the hill as being less slanted. And if they were alone but allowed to text a friend they perceived the hill as being even less difficult to climb. Supposedly it proves that social support (even virtually) can make a positive impact on our perceptions and life in ways we can’t even recognize. It can change our perceptions and our reality, making it easier for us to do the hard things.

I think about this study a lot when I draw and when I write. I spend so much time alone because my depression and anxiety are often too loud, but even when I’m sharing scary or hard things I know that I’m not really alone…that you are here….my invisible friend and pen pal. I’m so lucky to have this incredible community of people who care. I’m so glad you’re a part of it.

You are not alone, even if sometimes it feels like it.

“Sometimes I need someone to save me from myself.”

Thank you for saving me, again and again. You don’t even know your power.

Thank you for sitting here at the bottom of the hill with me. You are the best company.

Love,

me