I usually just ignore these but tonight I was bored.

Actual pitch I just got:

Hi Jenny,

Would you be interested in recipes from baby food creators on how to include your child in their first holiday meal?

My return email:

Weirdly enough, we’ve actually been feeding holiday meals to our child for the last eight years, but I will pass this on to any of my friends who ritually starve their children during Christmas.

So far, no response.

 

250 replies. read them below or add one

  1. My mom used to send me to bed without supper. But, I was in trouble then. Do you think she would be their target audience?

    Robyn Webb recently posted I Super Glued My Lips Together Instead of Writing a Paper.

  2. Sounds to me like they want you to cook your child…

  3. Oh, I thought it was for people who enjoyed cooking and eating babies.

    JRose recently posted Anti-Anti-E.

  4. You had a more charitable interpretation than I, who assumed they were giving out recipes in which the child was an *ingredient*.

  5. Is it weird that I read that as literally including your child into your holiday meal? Like, as an ingredient?

    Banana Stickers recently posted I will inject you with kindness.

  6. Exactly, Codie… you do NOT want to try the Gerber Holiday Puree.

  7. I fear you misunderstood the pitch. Sounds to me like they want to cook your daughter and feed her to babies, the sick bastards. This calls for a more aggressive response.

  8. You should have said you would only allow recipes that included Spam in them.

    Lady J recently posted A Ginger Kid Haunts Me.

  9. 9
    Smiling Kevin

    First thing that came to mind was it was advocating cannibalism. Festive.

  10. Are you sure this wasn’t a pitch for recipes featuring your child as an ingredient? It reads OK either way, is what I’m saying.

    Chuck Baudelaire recently posted Wikipedia Worldwide Candy Marketing Juggernaut Thing.

  11. Um…. I read that as including your child… as in adding them to the ingredients during their first holiday. You know… get them while they are fresh.

    Robyn recently posted Blogging withdrawal (apparently).

  12. Lol… I feel ya.

    Sabrina recently posted Grumpy Cat.

  13. Am I the only one who read this as if you want recipes to cook your children and serve them as the holiday meal?

  14. I also read it as like cutting off a baby’s hand to feed to them during holidays. >.>

  15. Or… are they asking if you’d be interested in recipes on how to cook children for their first holiday? Human veal might be something special to wow your guests.

    (Yes, I am fully aware I’m going to Special Hell.)

    R.C. Murphy recently posted The Window.

  16. Hahaha.

    Not everyone has the kind of effervescent, appropriately nourished childhood that you have been able to provide for Hailey. And if they don’t, it’s certainly for want of inventive babyfood ideas.

    Wait, isn’t baby food pretty much mashed potatoes and Jello? Christmas dinner is already fully 50% baby food.

    David Eagle recently posted A thing I learned tonight.

  17. I love it! Are you a grammar nazi (no political or racial implications intended)? I am at times, but then I also tend to write how I speak so I am sure my grammar is all over the place.

    I guess when you are famous you get pitched all kinds of crazy stuff. You could probably come up with a huge post of just these kinds of offers that would make everyone laugh!

    Mishka recently posted At Least One Thing.

  18. Oh good, I’m not the only one.

    Banana Stickers recently posted I will inject you with kindness.

  19. Best.Response.Ever!!!

    Tammi @ My Organized Chaos recently posted Sonic the Hedgehog – All Star Racing R/C Vehicle.

  20. I totally read it as include your child as an ingredient.

  21. I’m more concerned about the “their” as in, are they planning to cook your child to make the baby food creators’ first holiday meal? Also, who are baby food creators? Is that really a job? And it kind of bothers me that they want to eat your child.

    The Diamond in the Window recently posted Half-Baked Ideas: On Race, Tokenism, and Representation.

  22. You rock!

    My response was: Normally, I season and roast my babies. How do you prepare yours?

  23. It seems that they’ve been reading “A Modest Proposal…” Well read, though creepy baby food manufacturers. I wonder where they get their baby food from. Anybody reminded of the soap in Fight Club?

    neal recently posted Crazy hair.

  24. She definitely made it sound like you would be eating your first-born child. Not that I am opposed.

    Ally recently posted Awful Self Portraits.

  25. I want to know why she wants you to eat your child? That’s what’s more disturbing to me.

    Krystyn @ Really, Are You Serious? recently posted Date Night!!!!!.

  26. Somehow I feel the joke “killing with kindness” could be worked in here somewhere…

    Zena Zee recently posted Insecurities....

  27. Holy shit, I love you people.

    Jenny the bloggess recently posted I usually just ignore these but tonight I was bored..

  28. Nice. I’m missing some winners by just deleting most pitches without reading them.

    Christina Gleason @ WELL, in THIS House recently posted Wordless Wednesday – What is This Naughty List You Speak Of?.

  29. It sounds like the baby is going to be “the meal.”

    Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) recently posted Fridge Astrology: What Your Magnets Reveal About You.

  30. You’re supposed to feed those? Um. We have a problem.

    Sarah Elizabeth recently posted I'm Doing NaNoWriMo This Year, And Here's Why.

  31. 31
    Kelly Panick

    Too damn funny!

  32. That’s an end-product of what Terry Pratchett terms as “cackling.” Gingerbread houses… Stuffing children in ovens…

    You know. HOLIDAY cheer! ;o)

    ShellHawk recently posted Ape's Dolphin Adventure.

  33. A modest proposal…

    Jenni Kitchen recently posted Still recovering....

  34. Please answer all my email for me.

  35. Sounds like a natural progression from thumb-sucking, to me. Creamed baby! Pureed toddler!

  36. “Include your child in their first holiday meal” sounds like a “Modest Proposal”-type thing. “NEW: TENDER BABY RECIPES! BABY WITH CRANBERRY GLAZE!”

    Wendy recently posted Batman Joker-inspired Wooden Necklace in black, purple, green, and tan by NerdyNecklaces.

  37. No, Jenny’s not interested, but I hear that Wil Wheaton is a huge fan of strained carrots!

    Julie recently posted This weekend (12/7).

  38. Yeah, they def wanna include your child so as to be eaten! Or pushed around on a plate or passed over on the buffet.

  39. …why do baby food creators want to have other people’s children for their first holiday meal?

    Isn’t “child” just an informal weekday snack for the busy working family?

  40. For chrissakes. Just put whatever you made into a blender. They won’t know the difference. Recipes. Bah.

  41. It was nice of them to offer to make sure that you were feeding your kid. It’s even nicer that, you know, you were feeding your kid.

    Rachel recently posted Stupid Things...And Sunsets.

  42. Ditto. Don’t let them cook your child!!

    Kathleen recently posted Hope Springs.

  43. AND, I just read that as ‘feeding your holiday weasels…”

    I’ve been following this site for too delightfully long! Keep on keeping on, Jenny!

  44. Does sound like a modest proposal. The baby should probably be the centerpiece though, so as to feel properly included.

    Geoffrey recently posted the citizenship.

  45. This is so the best thing I’ve read today.

    Jessica M. recently posted LIFE IS A TEST. HA. (TAKE TWO).

  46. If I didn’t know any better I’d think they were advocating cannibalizing your baby this Christmas… Isn’t that what they meant by including them in your holiday meals?

    Andie recently posted Gender Essentialism in Your Stocking This Christmas.

  47. Maybe they are trying to get you to prepare for the rapture..

  48. Huh. I read that as including your child in the meal…as an ingredient. Mushed up food already is kinda gross, and the idea of mushed up human? Even grosser. And also disturbing.

  49. 49
    ellemichelle

    How To Cook For(ty) Babies

  50. Be sure to ask if it can be eaten with the fingers or should the fingers be eaten separately?

  51. I wish I had your quick wit today when someone told me my baby seemed hungry… and asked was he getting enough??? Nope, he was a bad baby and I said, “that’s it, no food for you today!” idiots….

    Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog recently posted Would Ya Wednesday – Worst Mother Ever Award – I Let My Baby Fall and Break His Leg.

  52. Yep, I’m in the “baby as Christmas Roast Beast” crowd. That’s some baaaaad sentence structure right there. Or scary. One of the two.

  53. @banana Stickers. Nope- I read it the same way as well.

  54. I kind of like to exclude mine. That’s what the kids’ table’s for, isn’t it?

    Stephanie recently posted My Top (and Bottom) 10 Favorite Christmas Songs of All-Time.

  55. I would love to meet the people that create recipes that use children as ingredients.

    On second thought, maybe not.

  56. 56
    Denise Evans

    Hmmm.

    I thought they were asking if you’d like them to eat your child.

    Maybe I _do_ need to get my glasses checked.

  57. It says something about me that I am overjoyed to learn that I’m not the only person that interpreted this as someone cooking and eating children.

  58. 58
    Denise Evans

    Of course, I am the same person who once referred to KFC as “Kentucky Fried Children” — WHILE PARKED IN FRONT OF IT LOOKING AT THE SIGN.

    My teen still brings that up on occasion.

  59. um. yeah. add me to the couch of they want you to cook WITH your child as an ingredient, not FOR your child.

  60. To me, that pitch read like you were going to get instructions for how to serve your baby, suckling pig style, at christmas dinner.

    Mellzah recently posted The Hawkeye Initiative.

  61. 61
    Lisa (yeah - circa 1963!)

    I just had this horrible flashback to an image from “The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover”…*shudder* (That’s two hours of my life I’ll NEVER get back.) Please don’t cook or starve your child this holiday season.

  62. My kids think Christmas dinner is Chinese food and a slice of pie. If those are the types of recipes they’re offering, then forward me the email, dammit!

    Rhana @ Dumb {Squared} recently posted Wednesdays suck..

  63. You really include your child? We take ours to the kennel. Sure, it costs a lot (holiday rates) but the meal is much more relaxing. Please forward me their information as I’m sure our children would prefer to stay home this Christmas. Thank you.

    One classy motha recently posted Should Christmas Cards Cause Irritable Bowels?.

  64. Soylent Green is People!

    Lynne Thomas recently posted Thanks to everybody.

  65. Too damn funny!

    Melissa Lawler recently posted Fashion From Midnight Velvet #GiftGuide.

  66. I love when companies don’t do their homework before pitching something, and then send it to you. It’s the gift that keeps us laughing.

    Becky recently posted I Present My Case for Getting Off….

  67. Soylent Green is Christmas Dinner!!!

  68. HEY you won!!…Kicked Ass actually!!…Congrats..Way to go Jenny!!!

    http://www.goodreads.com/choiceawards/best-humor-books-2012#74607-Best-Humor

    hargo recently posted Brandi Carlile - Live at KEXP.

  69. Gives new meaning to the concept of a “childrens’ table”!

    Robert K. Blechman recently posted OK. This is Getting Embarrassing!.

  70. Yeah, include me in with the people who read the child(ren) as an ingredient! Ha.

    JoAnn @casualperfect recently posted Birthday Party Lunch Pack Idea.

  71. Glad I wasn’t the only one who thought they were suggesting cooking the baby!

  72. Total Jonathan Swift territory.

  73. People should really Hunger Games their children this holiday season.

    John recently posted champagne cupcakes + lemon raspberry buttercream.

  74. Baby, it’s what’s for dinner

  75. Once again, I’m doing it all wrong. But what a pitch. Not. I suspect they employ lazy, unpaid interns destined to ruin their business model. And I kind of got a cannibalism vibe from that correspondence. Is that just me?

  76. you totally need one of those thumbs up options in your comments, so many good ones I would love to give kudos to.

  77. I like how pretty much ALL of us read it as “cannibalism for the Holidays” instead of starving the child.

    I think that says something pretty fundamental about us — that we’re freaking fantastic. :D

    Jessa recently posted Patent Malarkey.

  78. What do they mean, include your child?
    It’s called a “holiday” for a reason…

    bschooled recently posted Labor Day.

  79. I’ve always wondered what baby food was made of.

    Mary recently posted Durigutti Bonarda 2008.

  80. To me, it sounds like that want to turn your child into baby food for the baby food creators to eat. Worst baby food company ever.

  81. At first I totally thought it was a pitch to use your own child in the recipes. Now I’m really going to start questioning people who say their kids are “visiting” relatives for the holidays.

  82. I never get any good email.

    Danielle recently posted RACK day 5 and Elf on the Gambling Shelf.

  83. If you read it fast, it sounds like they want you to cook your child.

    Gigi recently posted A Splashy Start to De-Stressing.

  84. 84
    mydogfartswhenshebarks!

    If only I had known I could include my babies in my holiday meals 30 years ago. I’d have much more money in my retirement account by now. I wouldn’t have had to pay for 2 college educations!! (Which I’m STILL paying for).

  85. HA! Talk about needing to do more research…also better wording because it definitely sounds like they want to cook your kid. I get wanting to make the magic of Christmas and bringing childhood fairytales to life but Hansel and Gretel needs to stay in between the pages. Just saying……

    Nickie recently posted Dealings with customers and Pinterest Update.

  86. The way I initially read that sentence, I thought the pitch was asking if you wanted recipes from baby food creators on how to include your child in the BABY FOOD CREATORS’ first holiday meal. Like the baby food creators have been so busy making baby food their whole lives that they have never had time off for a holiday meal until now.

    Which is why they’ve gone round the bend and think it’s not weird to ask you if you’d like to swap recipes from the Children-Cooking cookbook (available in the store where the witch from Hansel and Gretel shops).

    Jillian recently posted Updated: Short Post and a Song #30.

  87. I actually read that as using your child as an ingredient in the holiday meal.

    Gross.

    Kelly@Sublurban Mama recently posted And *that's* how we ended up pooping by the campfire..

  88. Thank you, people, for making me feel less bad for thinking that infanticide/cannibalism was being advocated here.

    Also? For finding it freaking *hilarious*. I feel less alone because of all of you sick bastards.

  89. I am really REALLY glad that I’m not the only person who misinterpreted that!

    Devon recently posted Fire In Ice by Devon Stewart.

  90. Wait…what? “recipes from baby food creators on how to include your child in their first holiday meal?”. Okay, Is it just me, or does it sound like they want you to eat your child?

    Dolores recently posted Boring post about my feelings and shit..

  91. Why do you ever doubt your parenting skills??

    Leslie recently posted In Which I Get Bitch-Slapped By An Airbag..

  92. I too read it as instructions for including the child as an ingredient. Are you sure the email wasn’t from a descendant of Jonathan Swift?

  93. That’s so much better than the spam I got today! Commenters want to know if I’m interested in real estate in Turkey, or in getting rid of my man-boobs.

    Sarah recently posted They’ve Got Nothing on St. Nicholas.

  94. OHHHHH…. I thought they were talking about feeding children… Like… Cannibals or something.

    I should probably stop drinking now…

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    Valerie recently posted Someday, someone will have take a stand. Someday, someone will have to say enough! This could be that day..

  95. Seems to me like they’re promoting cannibalism at a young age.

  96. Actually, I read that as the baby food creators wished to eat your child in THEIR holiday meal, which I found even more disturbing.

  97. I probably would have mentioned that I’m not really a fan of eating children, and that I’d especially be against making them part of Christmas dinner.

  98. Oh, HELL no! Keep your food processors away from Hailey!
    I, on the other hand, have teenagers who would make delicious Soylent Green Beans for the holidays.

    Sullen and moody, but delicious!

  99. Hide yo kids, hide yo blender, they cookin everybody up in here!

  100. Sounds to me like it was going to be suggestions on how to prepare your child to be a main course or side dish depending on the size of the child.

    Seanna Lea recently posted I'm Smitten!.

  101. It sounded to me like they wanted to include the child IN the meal. As in an ingredient? They are baby food CREATORS after all!

  102. Jenny: one. Bad solicitors: zero.

    Natalie the Singingfool recently posted Christmas in the LBC. Sounds Like a Rap Song..

  103. So are they going to tell you how to purée your child into baby food? That’s kind of what that email sounds like.

    Ashley recently posted Elf on the Shelf: Fallen From Grace Edition.

  104. Wait, are they making food out of babies? Not right man, not right.

    Holly Folly recently posted Brush Clearing and the Fence of Thorns..

  105. I, too, had visions of folding the child into the holiday batter! Ick! Sick!

  106. 106
    TemperamentalRedhead

    You forgot the signature line

    –signed the witch from Hansel and Gretel

  107. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that sentence actually wants you to cook your child into a meal and then feed it to said child.

    My head hurts trying to imagine that.

  108. This isn’t related to your post, but this picture of a taxidermy made me think of you: http://i.imgur.com/YDgu2.jpg.

  109. I, too, thought that they were going to offer suggestions on To Serve Baby. Oh, right, spoiler.

  110. The baby was eaten by lions.

    Tragic Sandwich recently posted How to Make a Mom Angry.

  111. It’s not just you.

    Brook recently posted Self Portrait “Saturday”: Real Beauty.

  112. I agree with the consensus: I read it as though they wanted to give you recipes for turning babies into a festive main course for a holiday dinner. In case your local Jeffry Dahmer wannabee is coming by for a snack, I guess.

  113. I am glad that I am not the only one that thought cannabalism was being suggested.

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Tentacle Sex Fiends.

  114. I took it as include your child….as a meal. I don’t see you as the type to eat your young, but then again I don’t really know you. Maybe that is your type. Are you one of THOSE people?!

    Bailey recently posted I just want to be OK.

  115. I love how all of us have been reading your blog for so long that we all just misinterpreted that as suggesting cannibalism. Personally, I was kind of hoping that your response would be somewhere along the lines of “Thanks, but I’d prefer not to eat my child.”

  116. Everything about this was wonderful.

    Emelie recently posted Nice to Meet You, Mr. Erin Brockovich..

  117. Given the comments, I think your response was rather tame.

  118. I almost want to see how dumb the recipes are.

    Mom Off Meth recently posted The people of Walmart.

  119. i thought they meant make baby food out of your baby too…

  120. Well, I’m glad to see that I’m hardly alone in reading that as recipes that want you to either make a meal of your kid; or feed parts of your child to the child.

    And yes, it does kind of give “baby food” a whole new meaning…

  121. Actually sounds to me a bit like they want to make the food OUT OF the babies. And that is weird and wrong.

    Heather/muirnait recently posted Whitewashing the Fence.

  122. Mmmm. Roast baby is my favorite, right after broiled kitten and giraffe au vent.

  123. that is the most awesome answer ever

  124. We just let the kids lick our plates when we’re done. Looks like I’ve been doing this wrong and may need to do some further reading on this subject.

    Sabine recently posted Tis the Season for A-Holes.

  125. Oddly enough when I read the first statement I IMMEDIATELY thought they were saying something about having the baby and eating him too. Could be my meds are off. Could be lack of sleep. Could be they are really are cannibals.

  126. …or perhaps they’re suggesting you actually cook your child in some sort of sick, twisted, auto-cannibalistic holiday meal ritual. Which is just wrong on pretty much on any level.Like, seriously. My holiday meals often include things like turkey, ham, and a suspicious-sounding dessert called “Sex In a Pan.” But never a child, much less my own.

    These people are sick.

  127. After the news I just got, this post was exactly what I needed to feel better and laugh a little. Thank you!

  128. My first thought was, “Well, if I include my child IN the holiday meal, they probably won’t be alive to partake with me. Hmmm. Maybe they don’t really need that foot after all…”

  129. I somehow read this as how to include the baby as part of the meal and I’m all, “baby food is not made of babies!!”

  130. And now I see how many other people read that letter the same way, which means the pitch person needs to learn how to write, and also your followers are a bunch of sickos.

  131. Oh, so that’s what I’ve been doing wrong these last 8 years! I thought I was supposed to feed my child.

    Silly me.

    Cheryl D. recently posted Happy Belated Thanksgiving!.

  132. “When I was a kid, our dad would kill us….”

    “And we were lucky!”

    Martin Hajovsky recently posted Arts, crafts, birds and, of course, Lights dot calendar.

  133. 133
    imp the sane

    I want a like button for the comments… :)

  134. Good. Everyone else picked up on the apparent plug for cannibalism, too. Gross.

  135. Jenny…. I think they wanted to give you a child roast recipe…

  136. Can you imagine the commercial pitch? “…I love this baby food. It’s all natural and contains more baby than the leading brand…”

  137. Sorry, I have to laugh it Loud! Do I get it right? Sounds hilarious and creepy, I hope the sender wasn’t offended.

    Jacque Raine recently posted Famous Secret Societies.

  138. “Despite his butterball exterior and plump thighs, my therapist doesn’t think it’s a good idea to cook him. WHY ARE YOU TEMPTING ME??!!”

    Shannon recently posted Let's Make Fun of Angry, Humorless Commenters!.

  139. I am sad that I am late to the party and all my witty replies to your post have been taken. Dammit.

    lifestrickery recently posted Dear Vagina, – Part 1 in a series.

  140. Hmm, well…. that leads me to think of a modern take on the Hansel and Gretel story…. Gingerbread houses are…. holiday like. Maybe she just wanted to put them in her ‘Holiday Oven’.

    Kera - Dreadnaught Darling recently posted Downsizing: Form Follows Function.

  141. “It’s a cook book…!” Feck, that’s funny! Good start to a Friday morning!

  142. Yes, I thought they were talking about including the child in the meal as, like, a garnish sauce or as an antipasto on the side…

    Claire J recently posted Why Philadelphia.

  143. Off topic but I just found something that made me snort my cup of tea in a most unladylike manner and think of you, so here is my long-time-reader-first-time-commenter comment:

    According to Amazon, people who viewed this highly suspect product: http://www.amazon.com/Passion-Natural-Water-Based-Lubricant-Gallon/dp/B005MR3IVO
    Have also viewed this: http://www.amazon.com/Marshall-Ferret-Cap-Red-Tassle/dp/B00176GK96/ref=pd_sim_sbs_hpc_9

  144. Don’t be mean. These sound like nice people trying to do a nice thing.

    Also it says “thier” meal, not “your” meal. I know it is not your fault that people commenting here can’t actually read, but you probably knew where this would go. Again, don’t be mean.

  145. I’m with your other crazy readers – I assumed they were talking about cooking up your baby for the holiday meal. Strange our mind went there and not yours. Sign of maturity? Go you!

  146. I totally read that as recipes to cook children and serve them as the holiday meal.

    I am clearly sick.

    Dana and the Namaste Dogs recently posted Adventures Abroad.

  147. You know, the way I read it they not only are talking cannibalism, they are wanting you to feed the child to itself!

    “Mommy, I’ll take a leg, please.”

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted Double #selfie.

  148. I read it that they were offering the child as an ingredient too. Meh, I suppose it is something different. We all used to have turkey legs…all 6 of us….from one turkey. Norfolk is the home of the turkey production for England and inbreeding, so the two work fantastically together at Christmas.

    Sam Whiteoak recently posted Elf on a shelf the Norfolk way..

  149. *spitting coffee on keyboard.* THAT was fabulous and i think it just made my day.

    monica recently posted Hello, Blog. Remember me?.

  150. 150
    Lady Penelope

    Oh, we’re a sick bunch. Proud to be “one of us, one of us”

  151. It totally sounds like they want you to eat your child. Or possibly want your child to eat your child. I don’t know which is worse.

    Nat recently posted Adventure time!.

  152. Was the email signed “J. Swift,” perhaps?

  153. Bahahhahaha short and sweet and awesome. Love it.

    Mayor Gia recently posted Would You Like to Hear a Christmas Song?.

  154. Nom Nom Nom Nom BABIES!

  155. Their pitch also makes it sound like the baby goes IN the meal, instead of just being able to eat it.

    Heather recently posted Reading Wrap-Up: November 2012.

  156. I actually read that as making the child a part of the meal – some bizarre offer of cannibalism…

  157. Uhm, when I read “include the child in the meal” I thought “baby food” means “food made OF babies” 0o

  158. for the love of pete, this is why we grammar! otherwise strangers are eating our babies!

  159. 159
    Brattus Rattus

    Ever since the courts ruled a “Dingo” really did take that ladies baby, they have been coming up with new and interesing way to make babies disappear.

    Good on you for calling bullshit to this “baby food creator” schtick. It was just the new Dingo 2.0 version.

  160. Hey, can you forward that info on to me? Last year’s dinner was a little tough. Maybe it’s because I’ve been roasting *adult* relatives. A younger child might be just the ticket to a tender, juicy meal. Thanks.

    Heather Head recently posted The Goats: A Retrospective.

  161. I should have known I wouldn’t be the only person who read that as “include my child in a nice pot roast?”

  162. So I saw this headline about a man who shot a woman over a zombie argument and I immediately thought it was you. Glad to see you’re not dead though. http://www.geekologie.com/2012/12/sadness-man-shoots-girlfriend-over-zombi.php

  163. I really wish on most days I had your quick wit. Me, I would have just deleted the email, but you made this glorious situation out of it. I am willing to bet more hilarity will ensue from this. Good choice!

    Sara recently posted The One With the "Foreign Body".

  164. Jenny! I can’t believe you missed the opportunity to call them out on their baby eating ways. Way to take the high road. Pfft.

  165. I’m now reminded of the scene from Alice in Wonderland.

    Dangerous Lilly recently posted The Best (and worst) Sex Toys of 2012.

  166. Oh my lord. Feeding a pureed version of my family’s recent holiday dishes might be grounds for a visit from Child and Family Services, e.g. Green bean-Oriental noodle Casserole with Marmalade, Salad Nicoise, Tomato Aspic, Salmon Mousse. Good thing Waffle House is open 24/7/365.

    Childishman recently posted Oh BFD! (Bad Food Decisions).

  167. 167
    Tina, Escrow Goddess

    Uhm, should it bother anyone that so many of your readers leaned towards the whole idea that this had something to do with cooking and eating small children? That’s disturbing, very disturbing, on many levels.

  168. I’m with everyone else…I thought it was about cooking your child. How horrible….

  169. Wow. Inviting family over for Christmas dinner suddenly takes a turn for the worst.
    Grandma: “Where’s Johnny? Doesn’t he want some of this delicious meal?”
    Mom: “Oh, he’s here, and I don’t think he’s a fan of this particular dinner.”
    NomNomNom.

    Czaja! recently posted I totally DO have something to blog about today..

  170. 170
    Joan Rowlands

    Well really, if they want to include children in the holiday meal, can’t they just eat one of their own? I’m sure that if I wanted to eat my child I can create my own recipe. You know, chocolate covered eyeballs, jellied lips, or how about stuffed roasted arm – you could even have it holding the jug of gravy!

  171. Recipes, huh? Like from “Mastering the Art of Child Cooking” by Julia Child Cookery? What a blatant rip off. Those Gerber people should be ashamed of themselves.

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted Pen and Sell Her.

  172. I read it the same way I read “baby oil.” That is, oil extracted from babies. How can I cook a meal that uses the flesh of small children.

    the gold digger recently posted Wednesday May 16 Political Wife 1.

  173. Oops. And I see Joan had the same idea, only far more creative! I like the stuffed roasted arm holding the gravy jug, Joan!

    the gold digger recently posted Wednesday May 16 Political Wife 1.

  174. Awesome. I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who thought it sounded like they want to cook their child for the holiday meal.

    Amélie recently posted Crispy Chickpea Patties.

  175. Well, at least people actually give a damn about your work and your awesome rep. For every “Katie” appearance, there’s bound to be a few crazies…
    The last pitch I received was from a medical laboratory that wanted me to test some new designer drugs…

  176. Is it weird that I immediately went to a cannibalistic place? “Include your child in their first holiday meal”? Really?

    Bonnie recently posted Year of the Heifer.

  177. See I read it and would have responded that it sounded sinister like the food was made of babies and you were incorporating your child into the menu for the meal, I would pretend to be outraged and then ask for curiosity sake what a sample child menu would be.

    The Suzzzz recently posted 2012 USU Holiday Ceramics Sale.

  178. Um, Jenny these people are actually canibals and they are trying to solicit your participation in a old family recipe exchange that is secretly designed to bring you and what is left of your family, into the fold. Cannibles are sneaky that way. All I can say is beware of Spam that comes with a calderon.

  179. I am so glad that I am not alone in that thinking this was about cooking up your babies to make the holiday meal. You really missed an opportunity for a great response. Perhaps next time you should just post the marketing pitches, wait for the responses and pick the winner to send back as your reply.

  180. Hooray for your success at a good sized following of twisted minds! (Mine too). ….also thought it sounded like they meant to cook the baby. However, since it specified “first” holiday meal, it makes me wonder if it would have just been something small included in the meal like a foot or a hand, so they can be included for years to come….I count a maximum of 13 years though, because at 12 years you’d be left with head and torso, so you’ve got one final year to cook the rest of them in, unless you can preserve parts for future years but I don’t think conventional freezers work well for that long a time of storage.

  181. I agree with some of the other comments. I think you completely missed the point of their pitch. Obviously, they were marketers from a weird cult that eats children during their holiday meals. They’ve probably seen pictures of how delicious your daughter looks and thought you might be ready to sell or trade her.

  182. Kind of reminds me of something you’d see on Chopped. “Remember, you must include all of the items in your basket. Your basket includes: celery! persimmons! tarragon! and a newborn baby!”

  183. Oh man, this is perfect for us! Our holiday babies always turn out so tough. I wish you’d pass along more info. We’re particularly interested in brining this year. Mmm, I just love to include babies in our holiday recipes!

    mike recently posted Race to the moon … or general vicinity.

  184. When I first read the e-mail they sent you, I thought they were asking you for recipes on how to cook children for Christmas dinner…
    Love your response though!

  185. I was pretty sure it was about cooking babies, too. I’m kind of saddened that it wasn’t an updated version of A Modest Proposal (http://art-bin.com/art/omodest.html).

    Adrasteia recently posted Pretty pictures to end the week.

  186. Pitch… smitch.. should have said that you would consider it if they let you use theirs first.. Then again, maybe your response was much more tactful.

    TheFeelGoodDepot recently posted Holy Spock! The Star Trek Medical Tricorder Is Real, And It’s Only $150.

  187. The comments make me think of my favorite response to the dreaded “Why don’t you have any children?” question. I usually smile at them and say “Well honestly I like children, really I do, but I can’t eat a whole one.” and then walk off.

    The Suzzzz recently posted December 7, 1941.

  188. um i immediately thought cannibalism as well.

  189. At least your arm isn’t stuck in a cows vagina?

  190. I know everyone’s already said it, but I’m finally catching up on your blog, and this TOTALLY reads to me like they are wanting to cook your kids. Maybe they read your previous post about kiddie kebobs and thought since you were opposed to such cooking methods, you needed a new recipe? I like them on the rotisserie with a bourbon glaze, but maybe that’s just me…

  191. wait… you’ve actually been feeding your child these past 8 years? I didn’t know that was a thing.

    natalie recently posted I'm done..

  192. I think you’re reading it wrong…

    “Would you be interested in recipes from baby food creators on how to include your child in their first holiday meal?”

    The people who make food from babies want to add your kid to the recipe and eat her over the holidays.

    Canibals!

  193. “Would you be interested in recipes from baby food creators on how to include your child in their first holiday meal?”

    So the baby food creators want to cook and eat your child in their first meal for the holidays? And they’re going to give you the recipes to show you how they’ll do it??

    Grammar. It’s important.

  194. Ha, like a lot of other commenters, I totally thought they wanted to cook the baby as a part of the holiday meal. LOL

  195. My first thought – see KristiLoo. That could go a few ways I guess.

    Tina recently posted Williwaw - My Band.

  196. It’s part of the robots’ plan to take over the earth. Simple, yet brilliant.

    SexyLittleIdeas recently posted real men suck in bed.

  197. Love this response! I teach children’s cooking classes and believe that children are people too. They like good food and don’t need “kid” food.

  198. I think you may have missed the point. Pretty sure it is people creating food from babies, and they would like you to learn how to incorporate your baby into a holiday meal.

    claire recently posted Le Roi est mort.

  199. I’m one of the ones who thought this was referring to cooking the kid… O_o

    <3,
    -J

    Jess Haines recently posted Friday Funnies – Casual Friday.

  200. Are babies the new Fois Gras? We know that we probably shouldn’t eat them because it’s just so horrible, but damn, they’re tasty.

    Veronica recently posted The goalposts have shifted. My how they have shifted..

  201. You kill me, Bloggess. Just kill me. I’ve read into past posts and I was glued. Laughing, but glued. You’ve got great wit, and have opened up a WHOLE can of ideas for what I’ll be doing with our shelf elf in the coming weeks.
    Rock on, sister. I’ll be rooting from the sidelines.

    Jason

    Jason recently posted Boy And Girl Baby Names.

  202. My husband has been telling my kids for years that he’s raising them for food. I could sure use those recipes now that they have reached the pre-teens!

  203. Baby back ribs?

    And I, too, find it vaguely reassuring that I am not the only one who interpreted that message as referring to recipes CONTAINING children.

  204. Foie Gras even. Way to typo things Me.

  205. Yeah, sounded like a cannibalistic offer to me.

  206. wait, babies eat food?

    Simone recently posted Why are food trucks so popular?.

  207. That really does read that they have recipes using children. Love your reply.

    Kattie recently posted Please.

  208. You’d think after a while people would stop sending you ridiculous pitches, knowing that you’ll make an appropriately snarky reply and show it to the world. People worry me sometimes.

  209. Like others commented, I read it as recipes for including the child in the recipes… mashed baby? steamed baby toes? baby belly flambe?

    Peanut recently posted The P word and the D word.

  210. Good for you! The least they could do is a little research and pretend they read your blog – then again they’d be way cooler if they actually read it.

    Kim @ The Family Practice recently posted Parenting to Christmas.

  211. Include them in their first holiday meal? Like.. In the recipe?!

  212. 212
    Jennifer Becker

    You could have expressed great interest in recipes on how to cook your child for holidays meals.

    Hi Jenny,
    “blah blah….recipes from baby food creators on how to include your child in their first holiday meal?”

    Jenny: “I have always wondered about cooking children and serving them for holiday meals. Do tell.”

  213. 213
    Jennifer Becker

    Hahahaha….I hadn’t read any of the comments yet.

  214. What! No wine pairings? How would I know what to serve with my cannibalistic Christmas dinner.

    Keri recently posted The Diva is in the House.

  215. What JRose said. I guess context really is everything.

  216. And if you read it slow, it still reads as though they want to cook your child. If your child mouths off during the holiday, now you know what you can do with a fresh child. Ho! Ho!

  217. Actually, it’s worse than all of you think. They are baby “food creators” (how precocious) and they want to include (read that as cook) your child in their (the baby “food creators”) FIRST holiday meal. This is babies eating babies. It’s one step up from cannibalism. Of course it could just be the first meal of the holiday season, but that’s so last year. . .

  218. Gives a whole new meaning to “Goodnight Moon”

    Robert K. Blechman recently posted The Perfect Antidote to Holiday Spirit.

  219. I must admit, my first thought was “they want to tell you how to cook children?”…

    Catherine recently posted Recipe: Pink Scones!.

  220. I’m with Lady J @8 – they should only include recipes with Spam in them :)

  221. I’m guessing that Soylent Pink is made of girl babies and Soylent Blue is made out of the boys?

  222. I read this sentence as – would you like to know how to include your kid as one of the ingredients in your holiday meal?

    As in “stuffed baby quail” but let’s just forget the quail.

    Lady Jennie recently posted Ten Wedding Bloopers.

  223. (looks like I wasn’t the only one who read it that way).

    Lady Jennie recently posted Ten Wedding Bloopers.

  224. looks like I’m not the only one who thought eating your child is bad. You should’ve written back, “Cannibalism is illegal.”

    Trinity recently posted Christmas is a tough time.

  225. Why would they not respond? That’s just rude.

  226. Hey Jenny,
    Would you be interested in a great video of Tim Minchin? Sure you’ve probably seen it before but I just saw it last night and can’t help sharing. Tim Minchin – 5 Poofs and 2 Piano’s – (HD) OFFICIAL. While I’m sharing things that you’ve probably already seen, Fist Me This Christmas, a carol by The Wet Spots.

    I’m sure these are the e-mails that you’d rather get.

    BiPagan recently posted VIDDING PANEL AT ODDCON!! Please join the panel..

  227. Yeah, cannibalism all the way. These ‘baby food creators’ are sick fucks!

    Sarah recently posted All I want for Christmas is a new hymen.

  228. GREAT. You just gave them a multimillion dollar idea for free.

  229. You remain my idol.

    Karen Sanders recently posted Happy Happy Joy Joy.

  230. I can’t believe you’ve been feeding your kid for the past 8 years. I assume she’s 12, right?

    Marinka recently posted Calls From School.

  231. I cannot imagine why this Etsy seller’s wares made me think of you:
    http://www.etsy.com/shop/cathairandteeth?ref=seller_info#

    Enjoy!

  232. They should know better by now, really. Will these silly PR people ever learn?

    TPPC.tv, Pets Teach Us So Much Radio Show, Podcast & Blog recently posted How to look like the Smartest Person or Pup at the Party.

  233. Would you be interested in recipes from baby food creators on how to include your child in their first holiday meal?

    No thanks. I prefer my holiday meal with turkey, not children.

    Jen recently posted musings re: Phineas & Ferb.

  234. wouldn’t that be soylent green?

    janeen recently posted Love builds a garden..

  235. I’m still working out how someone could be EXcluded from their first holiday meal.

    Cris recently posted Anatomy of a Scam Email.

  236. I am absolutely amazed that you didn’t write something about how it’s really unethical to eat children. Or ask them how your child is going to eat the meal if they are part of it.

    Jeneral Insanity recently posted Conversations with The Manchild: Why I need a midget pony..

  237. I am sorry, but I think it is a rude answer to a very polite question

  238. Do these people not read your blog? Totally wrong tone!

    Whorrified recently posted CAMILLE PAGLIA MAKES FEMINISM AS SEXY AS THE CLAP.

  239. Somehow, I can’t imagine babies caring nearly enough that they’re stuck eating mushy peas instead of whatever holiday feast everyone else is chowing down on.

    Julia H. @ Live Young & Prosper recently posted Links For All: 12/9/12.

  240. All I want for Christmas is to be friends with Jenny Lawson. And also dinner.

  241. Am I the only one who thinks you might send them a picture of Wil Wheaton making snickerpoodles? Oops, I mean snickerdoodles. You know – the ones rolled in festive red or green sprinkles.

  242. No one puts baby in the corner… but the crock pot is okay.

  243. Are you sure they were offering ways to cook (aka include) your child as part of the holiday meal?

  244. Hmm, I read that as them wanting to give you recipes to cook babies…

  245. Are they writing recipes for the post Zombie Apocalypse?

    Mustang Sally recently posted New TV series "Portlandia".

  246. So baby food creators feed on babies, but only during the holidays?

  247. Dear Jenny, As a suffer of panic disorder it was consoling to read of someones elses angst. Your wit and resilence is admirable. Being a new mother is great material for writing and I’m almost done with “Let’s Pretend It Never Happened” When I get used to my new glasses and can see wtihout feeling like I’m looking through binoculars I will read more of your writing. The picture of little Rambo will forever make me laugh, especially since he has a smile on his little face. You are lucky to have a loving husband. Mine is surely contributing to my mental decline, since all he’s worried about is that I keep my weight down.Oh well. I guess my life epitomizes the saying from the 70’s band YES- If you choose not to make a choice you still have made a choice.’ I feel Hunter Thompson would have been amused by your writing. My 1st husband was Thompsonesque-consume mass quanities of drugs whenever possible-so I have had some good times.~ALOHA~

  248. I think I would prefer to eat my second child. She is the one who drives me to drink…well if I did drink she would drive me to it. Although she is only 3 so she can’t quite drive yet, so perhaps I should rethink this. ;-)

    Jesica H recently posted Nutrisystem Week 15 Report – Tasty Food equals Tasty Results! #NSNation.

  249. Add me to the list of people who thought they were talking about actually cooking your baby. That’s why proper puctuation is so important. It’s the difference between “It’s time to eat chlidren,” and “It’s time to eat, children.”

  250. I also thought it was about cooking your child as part of the meal.

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