Bradley Cooper and my vagina

Remember when I was on the Katie Couric show?  I know, it’s fuzzy for me too, but it happened.

It was the first Katie show she ever taped, and I sat on my white corner seat after falling almost completely on Katie Couric because her producers insisted that I wear heels.

Me and Katie. She's just as sweet as you would imagine in real life. And so tiny I could carry her around in my bra like a kangaroo baby.

Soon afterward, Bradley Cooper sat on that exact same stage.  And then he planted his face deeply into the same pillowed seat that had so recently supported my vagina.

Academy-award nominated actor with his face where my butt was.

This means that my vagina has one degree of separation from Bradley Cooper.  It’s like the Kevin Bacon game, except that it’s Bradley Cooper’s nose and my lady-garden.

Which, mathematically speaking, means that the Hangover II cocaine-monkey is just two degrees of separation from my vagina.  Which I suspect is illegal in Texas.  But totally worth it.

Honestly. The man cannot stay vertical.

This is all going on my resumé.

241 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I’m jealous in a really strange way.

    Coti recently posted Thailand is a place for food fanatics..

  2. That’s definitely resumé material.

    Carol recently posted Signed copies.

  3. Actually, I think it’s legal in Texas.

    daniel recently posted Parenting Lessons In Parking.

  4. I now have a new life goal. I need someone famous to have one degree of separation from my booge. Or less in the case of Evan Peters. Also, I am gross. Sorry. You started it.

    JRose recently posted On the internet, no one knows you're JRose!.

  5. That’s all fine and well unless he suddenly sniffed deeply. Then that would be creepy.
    Err, yeah. Just kidding. It’s Bradley Cooper for fuck’s sake OMG

    Banana Stickers recently posted Zesty as Fuck.

  6. I don’t know what is funnier- this post or the fact I am actually jealous of your vagina.

    Gail recently posted The Stand.

  7. Ha! Love this post, cheered me up today! I wonder if he knows?!

    Chelsea Williams recently posted Lunch box Money Saving Tip..

  8. Harumph. I have a Bacon # of 3 to Bradley Cooper, not involving anyone’s lady garden. Because that would be wrong.

  9. Almost falling on national TV because of the female peer pressure to wear heels: you now have something in common with Lena Dunham. 1 degree of separation from Bradley Cooper? Swoon.

    Amanda recently posted Blogstress Purgatory.

  10. holy shit that was funny! totally just made me lol at work

    Erica B recently posted It's winter break time ya'll.

  11. Wow, Bradley Cooper has a real “nose” for talent. Also, your ta-tas look excellent in the background photos. Well played!

    LDiggitty recently posted why my infant daughter needs a helmet.

  12. Seriously…. I have such a crush on Bradley Cooper. My vagina is super jealous right now!

    Cathy recently posted I’m sorry: An open letter to my loved ones.

  13. #winning

  14. I’ve never envied him before. Bradley Cooper, not the monkey.

  15. Haha, you said “Lady Garden!”

  16. And since I sat on a sofa next to you before, my lady garden is three degrees of separation from Bradley Cooper.. You just made my day..

  17. Honestly, all I can think when I look at the post is “boobs”.

  18. I can’t stop laughing… or crying… You are one lucky lady.

  19. Oh high heels. Why must you be so cruel? And lady gardens. Tee hee.

    Ashleigh recently posted End of an era... Or a world....

  20. Lucky. Connections like that don’t happen every day. Almost every day maybe…

  21. I…I…okay for once I have nothing to add, except my congratulations to your Lady Garden? :)

    Reneesance recently posted Navy Wool Skirt with front Pleats Vintage 1980s Preppy perfection. by Reneesance.

  22. Does that make me two degrees of separation from Bradley Cooper because I read your blog or three and my computer is two or none because it’s your vagina? I hate math.

    Julie recently posted Do you mind if I smoke or maybe burst into flames?.

  23. And its all because of The Unicorn Success Club! horns up :)

  24. OK, before I read this post, that picture of Bradley Cooper would have just been a cute picture. Now it brings two words to mind: Sphincter Tingle. And as Martha Stewart would say, “It’s a good thing.”

  25. New game….replace the word vagina with one word from any movie title…I’ll start:

    Vagina Linings Playbook

  26. I’ve met you twice. I think that totally validates a connection to the cocaine monkey.

    I wonder if this will show up on my LinkedIn profile.

    Cris recently posted Zen and the Art of Toast.

  27. I once told Bradley Cooper he couldn’t use our restroom. I’ve never lived it down, and I realize there may have been the ability to kidnap him had I said yes, so I’ve never really forgiven myself either.

  28. I have not laughed that hard in a very long time. Please don’t ever stop being you.

  29. Dude. Without context that picture is totally fine. Those two pictures back to back makes it look like he is REALLY going for a good, deep inhale. Like he is specifically doing that because your vajayjay was once there.

    …Maybe he is.

    Wednesday recently posted That Isn't Nerds Rope at All!.

  30. Bradley Cooper should feel HONORED! He has no idea how far his “coolness” has just multiplied.

    Valerie P. recently posted Damned If You Do....Damned If You Don't.....

  31. Your vagina is so lucky!

    John recently posted ode to ina: chicken with wild mushrooms.

  32. That’s all right. We’ve got a friend who any conversation involving him is three steps (or fewer) from meth. Just the way it goes sometimes.

    Jen recently posted Canine Body Language: Piloerection.

  33. Oh. My. Goodness. It’s the new Febreze scent – “As fresh as a Lady Garden.”

    Kara recently posted OWH Sketch Challenge 160.

  34. Juliejulie (#15) You’re new here, aren’t you…

  35. The closest my vag came to a celeb encounter was that one time I was in an elevator with Mike Epps. And my friend thought he was in porn.

  36. I’d hire you.

    Melissa recently posted I’m Ready for my Closeup.

  37. So… since you signed my chestal area, I have a connection to Bradley Cooper because of his nose’s proximity to where your lady garden had once been ensconsed? Honestly, I am not even sure what that flowchart would look like. This requires either a little research or perhaps a few hours of intensive therapy.

    Carry on!

    MsDarkstar recently posted An Interview with an Author.

  38. It’s been about two years since I was last here. Sorry about that. I can’t promise it won’t happen again, but I can say I’m relieved to see you’re still talking about vaginas. I don’t think anyone on the face of the planet has done more for vaginas than you. I think you deserve a medal the size of a satellite dish for services to Lady Gardens.

  39. Love this!

    Devon S recently posted It's the little things.

  40. Oh…I really needed that chuckle today. Thanks.

    And…that’s TOTALLY resume-worthy.

    Jess recently posted Yes Medusa, my hair IS trying to kill me (or: You won't like it when it's ANGRY).

  41. Hilarious!!!!

  42. You win life. That is all.

    thedoseofreality recently posted Never Let Anyone Steal Your Sparkle.

  43. Thank you!! Thank you for all of this. I was having a really crap-tacular morning when I read this and couldn’t help but smile, which is good becuase before that happened I felt like kicking someone-anyone actually-in the face, just to see a fight break out. That……..would be good for no one. So, my entire office thanks you!!

  44. Your resume must be the most awesome reading. Mine sounds so boring. Like I’ve done the same job for the last umpteen years. And it doesn’t involve a lady garden at all!

    Seanna Lea recently posted a complete mess before it gets better.

  45. He was obviously overwhelmed at the awesomeness of sitting where you had sat. He just wanted the moment to be even awesomer

  46. Okm I may now be jealous of a couch

  47. What’s up with Texas anyway? You should totally live in New Jersey. I’m almost certain that the laws are much more liberal when it comes to lady gardens…or lady gardeners, which I just realized is a phenomenal alternative word for lesbians or lawsbians for that matter. I digress.

  48. ROTFLMAO! That is all :)

    Kerry :) recently posted … It’s the thought that counts.

  49. I would pay cash money to read your resume. Or have you write mine for my next job search. Truly.

    Julie recently posted Pinewood Derby pictures (much belated)!.

  50. ok—now I am gonna be wanting to use “lady garden” in sentences all the time….

  51. Oh, and very nice ta-tas btw!

  52. Obviously, you are living under a magical star. Or cocaine monkey influence. &8~)

  53. As someone pointed out, it might be legal in Texas, but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal in Arkansas. Until this last election I could not buy a bottle of wine in the county I live in. I shit you not. How fucked up is that? Wait. What were we talking about?

  54. If Bradley Cooper sniffed anything where my lady garden had been AND I had a picture of it? I would offer to buy that couch and take pictures of my cats sleeping on it all day long…. where did this blog reply go awry? I’m uncertain. Oh well. I’m posting it anyway.

  55. OK, since I’ve met Kevin Bacon, who is 2 degrees from Bradley Cooper, or vice versa, then that means I’m 4 degrees from your vagina AND 4 degrees from the cocaine monkey… wait, is that right? I’m so bad at this game.

  56. LMAO!!! That is just so much better than I expected, and I started off with high expectations! :-D

    Ellen M. Gregg recently posted The Beauty of a Woman: Inside Out.

  57. I’m not sure Bradley Cooper, a vagina and a cocaine filled monkey make for a great resume, maybe good, but in this economy you might want to throw in, say, medical marijuana. That being said, I’d still hire you. I like women who like their vagina’s. They’re pretty cool to work with. Did that make sense? NO, but who cares. I let my vagina do the talking for me.

    Susan Hemingway recently posted Down on the Farm cooking with Mutt and Mike.

  58. I just have to say I love the red dress pictures behind you on the Katie show! You look beautiful! Yay for one degree of separation between your vagina and Bradly Cooper! :)

  59. I once met Jenny McCarthy while having a smoke outside a hockey rink. She looked at me, then at the crowd of autograph seekers. She saw my badge showing that I worked at the rink and said. “Are you here to escort me?” I said. “Nope.” She rolled her eyes, walked past me with a man in a suit and she rudely said. “I’ll sign a few autographs but no Playboys.” It’s like we were dating. I call it a date. I hate Jenny McCarthy.

    Smokeynall recently posted The First Goalie Post..

  60. When are you posting your ‘resume’? I wanna see that shit.

    =)

    Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense recently posted You May Call it Husband-Training if You Wish, But Don’t Call it That in Front of Your Husband.

  61. First of all, I love your thought process or sometimes the lack thereof. You give me hope that my thoughts are not so crazy after all. Secondly, you and your ta-ta’s are gorgeous, so it stands to reason that so is Victor’s playground. Who can blame Bradley Cooper for doing a nose dive into the lovely, lustful scent you so graciously left behind. (I just know he tongued the spot, while fantasizing about picking the fruits of your garden.)

  62. I would ask if I could touch your vagina, but on second thought – 1. That is gross, 2. That is gross, 3. He touched the couch after you, so I guess this whole discussion is moot.
    But anyway, congratulations. I wouldn’t mind spending ten minutes in a room alone with him…

    Natalie the Singingfool recently posted On the Blue World.

  63. I’m not sure what it says about me that I’m jealous.

    Amy recently posted Seven Up ~ Janet Evanovich.

  64. Thanks, I really needed to laugh out loud at totally inappropriate stuff today. I really did.

  65. Holy Fun Bags!! I guess it’s true, everything really is bigger in Texas!

    Do you think he was smelling the cushion?

  66. Hahahahaha!
    (I know why you were wearing red, but is Katie Couric always colour coordinated with her guests? Just wondering, does she change when a new guest comes on, or is the guest asked to wear a specific colour? I am not going to spoil this generalisation-from-two-samples by doing research, but feel free to do this for me ;-) )

  67. So, what does it mean if I’ve met you & you signed my body?

    meg recently posted Sleep Study #4.

  68. I would have hated it if they had made me where heels. HATED it. I am terrible at walking in heels becasue I never wear them, so having to walk without looking at my feet would be pretty hard.

    Holly Folly recently posted Our Quest to Fix Our Backhoe Continues..

  69. My vagina is jealous.

    Ashley recently posted Wake Up Call.

  70. This means your vagina is also just 3 degrees away from Zack Galifianakis.

    Be careful what you wish for.

    moooooog35 recently posted My Valentine Sexy Kitchen Story.

  71. That should definitely be a drinking game or something. 2 degrees to a cocaine monkey!!

    I don’t even have a vagina and I think I have vagina envy because I don’t connect in 2 degrees with a cocaine monkey!!

    TheFeelGoodDepot recently posted 7 Facts About The World You Didn’t Know @ TheFeelGoodDepot.com.

  72. It won’t be legalized here until Rick Perry comes out or gets caught.

    …being 2 degrees of separation from a cocaine monkey, that is. Wait, what did you think I was talking about?

  73. Delighted, not just for you, but for me, See, Jenny, I met you on your book tour and I touched your shoulder as I bent down so they could take a (really bad) picture. Now it’s all worthwhile Your shoulder is connected to your lady-garden, which was connected to the cushion which was connected to Bradley Cooper’s nose.

    It’s like I’m only four degrees of separation from picking Bradley Cooper’s nose. Squeee!

    Beverly Diehl recently posted Purging the Dreaded File Cabinet.

  74. Looks like the Coopster is really breathing your lady garden in, trying to be one with it. He is a true talent.

    Rhana recently posted Tears for Fears.

  75. Interviewers never ask Bradley Cooper the question I really want the answer to. Which is, ‘Is Michael Ian Black a good kisser?’

    nikki recently posted “I prefer not to.” Or, The Outcasts of 19 Schuyler Place.

  76. You look so beautiful in that red dress. Your smile is fantastic. And I would truly relish reading your resume! I think it would be really fun (and more interesting) if everyones resume contained all the crazy things that happen to them!

  77. And this is why I love you so much–sober or drunk. That’s referring to me, not you. Of course I love you sober or drunk as well.

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted Recently Named One of Top Ten Blogs in the World.

  78. Thanks for being you. Love reading your shit.

    Adrienn recently posted My asshole pets..

  79. I would like my vagina to be zero degrees separated from Bradley Cooper. Advice please.

    Lolia at Summer of George recently posted Best Money I Ever Spent.

  80. SORRY THIS COMMENT HAS LITERALLY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR LADY PARTS OR YUMMY BRADLEY COOPER, BUT YOU NEED TO CHECK OUT THIS WEBSITE! YOUR KITCHEN WILL NEVER BE MORE FULL OF AWESOME PROFANITY THAN WITH THIS!
    Honestly, this isn’t even my website, nor do I know the person who created it, but it is Amazing, and must be shamelessly whored about the interweb, and, let’s face it, you have the connections. So Here.

    http://fuckingrecipes.tumblr.com/

    Becky recently posted Yam, bam, thank-you ma-am....

  81. Totally stealing “lady-garden” :)

  82. Bradley Cooper has a #2 from YOU, not the other way around. Please keep in mind the degree of personal importance and to date, your impact is much greater than his…regardless of his totally hot #. Besides, to the best of our knowledge, he neither collates nor staples…or, for that matter, owns any twine.

    Now, if he were to send you picture of himself _mopping_, that would increase his hotness quadrilaterally, in which case, we might have to re-evaluate. But until then, YOU have it over him any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

    I’m just sayin’………………

    Sj recently posted There's More To This Than Meets The Eye.

  83. You make me laugh almost every day.
    You rock.
    That is all.

  84. I love reading your blog and when I recommended “Let’s Pretend” it came with a warning to wear a pamper because accidental tinkling would occur! I suffer/get by with depression and have most of my adult life. I haven’t wanted to die, but there were many times that knocking myself into a coma seemed like a valid option. Over the years, through many medications, self injurous behavior, anxiety and times where I would have rather slept out in a field than deal with life, I know that I am okay. I know that while it feels terrible now, I will feel better in the future and try to ride it out. Daring to make oneself vunerable seems pretty daunting, but you were/are amazing for being so open about being you. You definitely have a fan in me.

  85. If you’re going to have someone’s nose that close to where your lady bits have been, Bradley Cooper is an excellent choice.

    My greatest six degrees story includes telling Chris Robinson he looks like Jesus. He laughed, I awkwardly backed out of the room, I doubt he’d take my calls if I tried. I think that makes me negative degrees from him now.

    Dawnie recently posted Knowing when to rock, and knowing when to roll out.

  86. Any time, any way that any part of Bradley Cooper can be remotely close to me, it’s a good thing.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Mantyhose? Just say no.

  87. I think that it is wonderful that you can put stuff like this on your resume. Mine on the other hand is so boring.

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Trolls say that there are 20 Wiccan holidays.

  88. I am SOSOSO jealous that you have any degree of separation to a super-freak coke-monkey! Also to the cute capuchin from “Hangover II.” (<– See what I did there?!?)

    Your life seriously results in the best stories.

    Leslie recently posted And Now A PSA. Also a PSA: Delta Airlines Sucks Ass Cheeze..

  89. Bradley Cooper faceplants in a cushion where your lady garden was.

    My dog shoves his face in my sweatpants.

    Your life is different than mine. :-/

  90. Is it weird that I’m insanely jealous of you? I mean, really , what girl doesn’t DREAM of having their va-jay-jay directly related to a MONKEY??? Wow.

    Sincerely, Jenni recently posted Weight Watchers Week 29.

  91. Damn, I’m jealous. None of my body parts are within six degrees of separation of simians on stimulants, and I probably wouldn’t even get into trouble – you know how liberal our Europeans laws are.

  92. If Bradley Cooper can get a whiff of your daintily scented delicates, that’s ZERO degrees of separation.

  93. The way your mind works makes my soul weep with joy :)

    Also, Bradley Cooper’s pretty hot. Congrats to your vagina.

    Lindsey recently posted Still Kicking, I Swear.

  94. So, if I know YOU — but not on a Lady Garden level, what does that make me to Bradley Cooper?

  95. I laughed so hard I dislocated my uvula.

  96. having bradley cooper and my vagina in the same sentence…….. awesome

    mothers little hleper recently posted gluten free blueberry muffins - breakfast fit for a grumpy goddess.

  97. 98
    Melissa Hourigan

    This is so full of awesome…

  98. 99
    Kristin Dewey

    O-M-Effin-G! The comments after this story, and not to mention your story is freakin’ hilarious! I’m at work and I couldn’t stop laughing!!! I work in a lab, and your logic makes me two (I think) degrees from everyones’ vaginas and penis’ since I have to touch and process their samples for Chlamydia and Gonorrheae, and sometimes God knows what else!!!!
    Uh……EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  99. Don’t you kind of wish you were still sitting there? Living vicariously through that.

    MILF Runner recently posted WHERE'S MY STEVIA?????.

  100. I think this also now makes me two degrees separated from Bradley Cooper… sorta…which in some states constitutes marriage. Probably.

  101. Actually, cocaine monkeys are totally legal in Texas. I worked as an administrative person for a state agency and when we moved a new bunch of IT guys into our building I went around asking if they needed anything. One told me he would like monkeys and cocaine and that both are available via state contract. I refused to order them because I was just starting out in my career and didn’t want that order associated with my name, but hey, it is legal.

  102. I should also add that I think you have some rights to the Monkey. Just sayin’.

    Carmen recently posted Just in time for Valentine's Day!.

  103. I’m lost for words on this one which is unusual as my wife oft says I wish, that’s me of course and not you Jenny, just in case you were confused, sometimes that you were Dumb as the crap that comes out to often makes you sound dumb and you need to stop talking now … What… I’m a guy it goes with the jeans

    Tom Stronach recently posted A Wandering Cloud.

  104. Nice to see a man who takes time to stop and smell the lady garden!

    Teresa recently posted Bath Salts, Vajazzle Sisterhood Clubs and My Writing Career.

  105. Wow. I have a boring-ass resume. I’m nowhere near cocaine monkey.

    Allison recently posted Things I Have Done Lately: A Journal in Pictures.

  106. This is exactly the sort of thing I would have noticed if it happened to me. Damn….lucky you. Although, if you had sat on the sofa AFTER Bradley had planted his face there, you might have been able to walk away with a little of HIS essence on your lady parts… just saying.

  107. totally legal, even in texas. so, bradley cooper, feel free to have your cocaine monkey around the Bloggess’s lady garden all. damn. day.

  108. That. Is. So. Awesome.

    Punky Coletta recently posted And my mom said, “What’s a dildo?”.

  109. The thought of all the people who are now one degree of separation from my vagina will now bother me… I should buy a new couch.

    Amelia recently posted Shopping.

  110. 111
    Cookie McCool

    Incidentally, your boobs looks fucking FABULOUS there.

  111. I’d be willing to bet this isn’t the first time vagina and Bradley Cooper have been mentioned in the same sentence(nor will it be the last).

  112. SCREW THE MONKEY!! Bradley Cooper was like in your vagina! If I read a resume with that, I would hire you for ANYTHING.

  113. You never fail to make me choke on something, this time ice cream! Love it..

    Molley Mills recently posted Who Knew I Had Hoarder Tendencies…...

  114. You had me at Bradley Cooper!

  115. Well. Bradley Cooper can faceplant my lady garden any time he likes. ;)

  116. I totally followed that logic.

  117. Your mind works in mysterious and delicious ways!
    Bradley Cooper + Lady Garden + Cocaine-Monkey = MAGIC

    Darcy Perdu recently posted Complete Invasion of Privacy!.

  118. 119
    SouthJerseyBlu

    Wow, those photos on the set sure show off your…eyes.

  119. I’m really out of touch because I have no idea who Bradley Cooper is.

    Lovelyn recently posted A Good American: A Review.

  120. Oh, thank you for that laugh. I needed it!

    Momma Fargo recently posted Randomn Smandom.

  121. I wonder if they knew he was going to faceplant where your butt was? I mean, why did he need two seats all for himself if they didn’t? Odd staging, really. Unless there was someone who was going to come in with him. And you realise that your lady garden also has one degree of separation from whoever else’s ass has been on that seat. Although yeah… Bradley Cooper would be one of my picks too.

    And PLEASE tell me you’ve seen or at least heard of that new competitive taxidermy show? (You might enjoy the other one too!)

    http://www.indiewire.com/article/television/amc-greenlights-two-new-unscripted-series-about-taxidermy-and-freak-shows

    Jessica @ Just a Mum? recently posted 4:37..

  122. OMG – laughing so hard I’m crying. I adore you!

  123. 124
    :) Christine

    completely envious. that’s all. wish his face was where my lady-garden sits.

  124. I once shared an elevator with the Irish guy out of Braveheart who saved Mel Gibson’s life when he was cavorting around in the forest.

    My genitals have no connection with his face, though. I’m pretty sure that’s a good thing.

    thedavidcmurphy recently posted Hey Roomie!.

  125. 126
    mydogfartswhenshebarks!

    I find comfort in the fact that when I am watching Katie, so are you…but I don’t know what time it comes on where you are. It’s on at 2PM MST where I am located. Is it weird that I am comforted by this?

  126. This is freakin’ hilarious. Every word. Fun Fact: Bradley Cooper is bilingual, so he can tell you how to say “lady garden” in French. Well, unless your vagina is also fluent in the language of love, then “she” already knows.

    Dan Burt recently posted Fixing the Feng Shui in My Shorts Book Available.

  127. Okay, so I’ve met you. That puts me at three degrees from the cocaine monkey? Then two degrees from Bradley Cooper’s face? So am I one degree from you or your vagina? The cocaine, nose, lady-parts, and boobs all have me confused. Freaking awesome.

  128. I’ve played way to many of those computer games lately where you find what’s different in the two pictures! Just noticed your sitting in a one person chair and she has the love seat, he is sitting in the loveseat and she is sitting in the chair for one.

    (It’s actually three pieces. Two chairs for one and a floating piece that moves to either side as needed. Later when they brought out other guests to talk about the red dress they moved the middle part over to our side so that we could all sit together and Katie could sit separately. ~Jenny)

  129. Clearly Bradley Cooper knew this in advance and was waiting for an opportune moment to bury his face into the chair… Who wouldn’t jump at the chance really?

    Also, the term “lady garden” must be added to the official dictionary. It’s too full of win to not be used in daily conversation… So lets all see how many times we can use that this week…

    Alyssa Visscher recently posted Sacrifice.

  130. Why was his face where his butt is supposed to be? If he’s going to cover his face, then he should at least do it in a way that would allow us to stare at his ass. That’s only fair.

    Robyn Webb recently posted I've Settled on Referring to the Extra Bone in My Right Foot as Randall and This will be his Official Eviction Notice.

  131. 132
    Miriam Gilmore

    I totally get your humor, love it!

    Very happy for all the success you are having! Enjoy!

  132. I hate to be a buzz kill – but Bradley Cooper is actually sitting in the chair that Katie was in – not the couch you were on. Sorry! But it’s still pretty neat!

    (You’re not a buzzkill. The set is in three pieces and the middle piece moves as needed to accommodate how many people are on it. That’s why it looks bigger in the second picture and smaller in the first. Katie’s seat always has the arm rest on her left. The guest has the armrest on their right. ~ Jenny)

  133. Or the other way around – either way….

  134. I’m sure Bradley Cooper will be putting this his resume. I know I would.

  135. This is why I am so excited that I don’t get math at all. I totally believe your equations!! I don’t really have to add any numbers up!!

    Mary recently posted Chat- en Oeuf Rouge.

  136. Oh FUCK yeah! That is going on MY resume too. Lucky.

    Mom Off Meth recently posted I have depression..

  137. I want to have one degree from my nether region from any part of Bradley Cooper. For real.

    Sara recently posted The Dark Places.

  138. Your vagina is also one degree away from everyone he ever slept with, too. Just sayin. And if I got within one degree of him, you could assume it would end up NO degree and that police would be called to remove me from his body.

    hazlnutt recently posted 1st visit to the farmer’s market after all my education….

  139. one of the best posts ever.

  140. Those kind of resume credentials are hard to come by. It reminds me of that exchange in Notting Hill with Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts.

    ANNA
    I could have a stunt bottom, yes.

    WILLIAM
    Would you be tempted to go for a
    slightly better bottom than your own?

    ANNA
    Definitely. Ths is important stuff.

    WILLIAM
    It’s one hell of a job. What do you put
    on your passport? Profession — Mel
    Gibson’s bottom.

    Funny stuff.

    Jason
    The Cheeky Daddy

    Jason recently posted Rock Climbing - A Family Affair?.

  141. awesome!

  142. I am trying to think of the next target/step in your continual ascension to ultimate awesomeness but I cannot, at this moment, think of another man I’d like more to bury his face in the imprint left by your warm vagina…

  143. Was a little ticked that you made me snort laugh, but now I’m intrigued because I think your vagina may have ESP. Have you had it tested?

    Tracy recently posted The One Where I’m On Time With Love.

  144. Can you ask your vagina to get the cocaine-monkey’s autograph for me???

    Maple Syrup Land recently posted Theme Thursday: Redneck Ingenuity.

  145. Can I borrow $20 from your vagina? I need it for drugs.

    Julie the Wife recently posted Forty-Eight Bottles of Beer on the Wall.

  146. That’s a lucky couch.

    Kylie recently posted This Blog is Tagged ‘Blog Tag’.

  147. Holy shit, this makes me wish I had your vagina… but not in a creepy way.

    The Six-Fingered Monkey recently posted Wordless Wednesday #4: Enter the Dragon.

  148. 149
    Lady Penelope

    My vagina is jealous of your vagina.

  149. HHAAAAA!!!! You should write him a super awkward letter assuring him that although he is within just a few degrees of your vagina you have no plans to pursue him…..though you should be entitled for one movie premier on the red carpet.

    Nickie recently posted Date ideas...now that you have a baby.

  150. Lady garden?! You just gave me a new term for my vajayjay. Which means you’ve replaced Oprah vocabulary and in my heart. You beat Oprah… well played.

    Kadia recently posted Newsworthy comes as it’s happening.

  151. I bet this is totally going on Bradley Cooper’s resume too. If he’s smart…

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    Valerie recently posted How I almost became Queen of the Underworld, but then had to decline due to hair issues..

  152. I feel like we would get along well in real life.

    Why aren’t more people like you?

    -Tara

    http://madmaxandfamily.blogspot.com

  153. 154
    Lady Penelope

    P.S.
    You are in the top 4 Google search results for “Bradley Cooper vagina”. Congratulations!
    Add *that* to your weird search requests that send people to your page…

  154. Your boobs look lovely in the background and Bradley Cooper looks lovely trying to smell you.
    It’s a win-win!!
    PS I think Katie got an idea from Bradley and probably smelled the cushion after he left….

  155. I’m trying a new thing and reading the comments without reading the post (will read it after). You should try it. It’ awesome.

    Oh and ‘Tee, comment 25′ – New game….replace the word vagina with one word from any movie title…I’ll start:

    ‘Vagina Linings Playbook’

    I have to add……………… Jurassic Vagina

  156. Bradley Cooper once bumped into my crotch. It happened in an elevator in Los Angeles. At time I was happy he was making a fist but maybe an open palm would have been better for me.

    Nah…

    Jack recently posted The Cure For A Bad Day.

  157. If you were a unicorn… You would now be pregnant with Bradley Cooper’s baby. It would be a very beautiful baby.

  158. Haha! Once I was on a business trip in San Francisco and found a tiny B and B to stay in. They usually house people on tour doing musicals or film shoots, but they were in between gigs, so they let me stay in a really great room for a reasonable price! The owner happened to let it slip that the last person to stay in that room was Matthew McConaughey (he was there for a 3 month stay or so for a film shoot and left a few days before my stay). Let’s just say I had some good times in that bed!

    Cheryl D. recently posted World's Worst Blogger.

  159. I tried to play the game once or twice. I wish I knew enough people to know which important/famous/brilliant people I am linked to. I wonder how many steps it would take to reach Johnny Depp. Hmm.

    Sabrina recently posted Honey Barbecue Meatloaf.

  160. Wow, Jenny! My initials are B.C., same as Bradley Cooper’s. And I watched The Hangover (just part 1; haven’t seen the sequel yet). I think this means we’ve been intimate, you and I. Am I right? I can’t wait to tell my friends. Or… is this one of those things I should keep to myself? Please advise.

    Brian recently posted Don't Look Now, But Your Modifier is Dangling.

  161. 162
    Holly (a.k.a. Adore Prince)

    Am I the only one that is going to tell you “No”? Dearest Jennifer –as a world famous celebrity, I am sure you are used to having “Yes” women around you. However, some of us are strong enough, and confident enough to tell it like it is …Crap, I totally lost my train of thought…Oh yeah, Bradley Cooper had an extra chair next to yours, so there was not so much a vagina touching. I’m a big Prince fan, and David Gandy too ( google him – totally worth the effort), so I would appreciate it if you would please let me know when you will be anywhere next to a chair (vaginally or otherwise) of either of them. Much love from your strong, confident minion – Holly

  162. I completely hate the Hangover movies but the monkey bit is priceless. Go monkey and Bradley Cooper’s face.

    Southern Girl recently posted So Zumba...yeah.

  163. Awake, anticipating bad news about our beloved dog, and knew I could count on you to bring me a smile. I thank you for being you.

  164. This all makes complete sense.

    Claire J recently posted Dream Catcher.

  165. eh? Noteworthy achievement that.

    Miss Gee recently posted Turning My Bitch On..

  166. Cool. So if I bought your book, how many degrees away am I from Jennifer Lawrence’s legs? Or am I closer to Ed Helms’?

    Christian Walters recently posted Comment on Just say NO to medical reform by Gary Henderson.

  167. I like your math.

    Kaitlyn recently posted Only three weeks left.

  168. I shook your hand once at a book signing and you probably went home and immediately masturbated, (because, come on, look at me) so technically… yeah. Me and Bradley Cooper. It was bound to happen.

    RachRiot recently posted You're Welcome, Manuel.

  169. Is that considered cheating?

  170. has this happened again since? if so, is it chronic? (you are so funny and i think i just peed my pants.)

    monica recently posted A Good American - A Great Read.

  171. I’m so jealous! You are living my dream. You need to get back on the show and touch your lips to where he had his! Oh, I’m excited for you just thinking out it.

    Malia recently posted Sleeping Like a Single Man.

  172. that title is going to get you A LOT of hits….

    onsanity recently posted broken.

  173. you should totally get your vagina to introduce you two

    onsanity recently posted broken.

  174. LOVE LOVE LOVE the red dresses!

    Lorca Damon recently posted My Car Is On Drugs.

  175. Well technically, I guess you should add Kevin Bacon to your resume too, as Brad Cooper starred with Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers, and Vince starred with Luke Wilson in Old School, and Luke Wilson starred with Kevin Bacon in My Dog Skip.

    But that’s not even the best part. The best part is that the dog that played the young Skip, is also the same dog that played Eddie on Fraiser. So now your vagina has been touched by a famous monkey and a famous dog.

    Damn woman! Your vagina has seen a lot of star action!

  176. Not really related to this post, but I assume this is something you tried to bid on:

  177. I’m sure you have a very beautiful….resume!

    (You thought I was going to say lady garden, right?)

    Kathleen recently posted You Say It's My Birthday.

  178. This is awesome, Congratulations on your one degree

    Nellie recently posted Friday Fitness Check-In: Switching Up The Diet.

  179. I just want to know why Bradley Cooper seems to get two chairs, while you only get one. It seems like a very weird insult.

  180. Depending on the celebrity, lets say Justin Beiber, I would deposit the most god awful sulfuric fart into the cushion. Savor the flavor Biebs!

  181. That was hilarious… but what would be even funnier is a recap by you of the TV show “Immortalizer” on AMC. It’s basically the Iron Chef of taxidermy. They’re trying to play it off like they’re serious (and I’m sure they’re probably deadly serious about it) but they have a comic as one of the three judges so I’m not 100% sure on that. I mean, take a look at the headline picture on the Smithsonian Magazine blog. It is trying to be serious, but I’m almost positive it’s some kind of parody.

    http://blogs.smithsonianmag.com/artscience/2013/02/outrageous-taxidermy-the-subject-of-a-new-show-on-amc/

    Lila recently posted Adam Lambert Begins the “Non-Tour Tour!”.

  182. I totally want you to post your new resume!

    Wendy Roberts recently posted Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!!.

  183. *giggle* LUCKY YOU! ;)

  184. I can’t imagine you have any more goals to pursue after this! Book, schmoock…you practically had his head buried in your vagina…can the New York Times compete with that?

    One Classy Motha recently posted Happy Margarita Day!!!!.

  185. I’m so incredibly jealous it isn’t even funny. It’s a personal goal in my life to one day be part of a Bradley Cooper / George Clooney sandwich.

    *sigh* A girl needs to have goals and dreams.

    Maura @ Eve Was Partially Right recently posted Be Your Own Measuring Stick.

  186. Hilarious! Love it.

    Cara Lyn Erickson recently posted Fancy Free Friday: This Week’s Faves.

  187. All I can say it that I envy the way your mind works.

    Sue recently posted Arizona Renaissance Festival 2013.

  188. Not only is that legal in Texas, it’s practically on the state flag.

    Marinka recently posted Wait, So This Isn’t How Math Works?!.

  189. Does that make your blog the…

    Wait for it…

    Lady Garden Monologues

    ?

    You’re welcome.

  190. Bradley does seem to end up face-planting a lot, doesn’t he? Maybe he should write you a thank you letter for giving him such a lovely lady garden-scented pillow to land on instead of something else. Like imagine if Katie had been interviewing plumbers or something instead. Plumber Butt has got to be a worse perfume than Clean Lady Garden. Now that I think about it that way, Cooper DEFINITELY owes you a thank you. And possibly a wine slushie.

    Adrasteia recently posted Fight Like A Girl.

  191. I seriously think you should post your resume.

    Claire recently posted No Penis Between Us!.

  192. That is some crazy cleavage you are rocking in the pictures.

    recently posted Roots.

  193. You are so funny. That’s all I have to add.

  194. I actually am 3 degrees away from Kevin Bacon and I think you beat me easily!

    Em recently posted Status of the Quo.

  195. 196
    gretchen diefenderfer

    All of you is a Lady Garden, I think.

  196. I’m sure Bradley knew EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING.

    Leila recently posted Um, Yeah, I Didn’t Tell You But We Have a Baby.

  197. Now I wish I was your vagina. Wait. What????

    Lesley recently posted for the love of the game.

  198. It’s definitely something that makes you unique and thus attractive to a potential employer!

    jesspants recently posted SNKR – busy knitting week was busy!.

  199. I have a similar story to that, but with Drew Barrymore. Except there are no vaginas, or couches. Just a boy I once knew and a film called Ever After. It’s an odd story. I’ll stop talking now…

  200. I’m super jealous! You have the best resume ever.

    GurlNxtDoor recently posted And Then I Caught a Cold From Leonardo DiCaprio.

  201. Looks like Bradley Cooper did a triple sow cow face plant into your lady garden (and stuck the landing.)
    Personally, I think there should be a few more degrees of separation with the monkey. Some of those dudes carry raunchy rabies and are pro-life.

    Annie recently posted Hold The Probes!.

  202. Nice. Wait, is Bradley Cooper nominated for an Oscar? Because then your vagina is one degree away from winning an Oscar!

    Girl to Mom- Heidi recently posted I Think You’re The Father of One of My Kids….

  203. I just want you to know that, since you mentioned the monkey, you need to keep your eye on that monkey….. (Crystal is the name from what I’ve been told). Monkey and I worked at an event (Screening of Treasure Buddies) and Crystal did photo ops with guests and when I went to take my pic the monkey kissed me AND TRIED TO SLIP ME THE TONGUE!… I’ll never forget it. 0 degrees of separation between the monkey and me and way too many between BC and me…. sigh….

  204. YOU have the best blog in the world!

  205. Bradley Cooper had butt sex with Michael Ian Black in Wet Hot American Summer, and Black was caressing Cooper ALL OVER with his hands. And with those same hands he replied to a comment of mine on MySpace 402 years ago. So pretty much I basically had sex with BC…I think. Right?

  206. congratulations, you have accomplished 1 degree of separation from the dreams of probably 90% of straight women. I mean, you were my hero before, but now you just took all others out of the running for ever. Until Batman because a real thing..

    Tanya recently posted Postemptive Punches.

  207. I love you. This post made my night.

    Stacey recently posted Ten Mistakes I’ve Made as a Pregnant First Time Mom.

  208. If there is only three degrees separation now between your vagina and Mike Tyson, that is not a good thing.

    HogsAteMySister recently posted Chinese New Year Durian Tragically Gazumps TexMex.

  209. Wow, prior to this I would not have assumed my vagina capable of expressing emotion. But she is indeed jealous of your proximity to Bradley Cooper :)

  210. You’re so flippin’ funny!!

  211. I almost just peed my pants. This is literary gold.

    xo Ashley
    luckylittlebird.blogspot.com

    Ashley recently posted Trend-Packed!.

  212. Anything remotely ‘sex toy’ is illegal in Texas.

    GeekGoddess recently posted Friday Fun Flick! How to Dress for Barbeque in Texas.

  213. you are too freaking awesome…just sayin’…

  214. Uh, the Katie show damn well better be on your resume anyways! Right next to your role as the leader of at least 2 cults. (Beyonce and Red Dress. Do all cults have to be bad?)

    KMarrs recently posted Should You Read This.

  215. I just wanted to say thank you. Seriously, you have helped me so much. I know this seems random since the post I am commenting on is about Bradley Cooper and your vagina, but I was just looking through posts on my blog and realizing that a lot of the things I have written on there, I couldn’t have without the strength I got from reading your blog. Actually, my entire blog wouldn’t exist without you. I started reading your blog during a really bad period of depression, and it helped pull me out of it. And after I started to get better, it gave me the courage to try to start writing again. So thank you.

    Madelyn recently posted Catharsis.

  216. I opened this website up to show a co-worker that the rooster on his porch was just like yours and we both read the title (VAGINA) at the same time. awkwardddddd

  217. I would think you would already have one or two degreees of separation from the cocaine monkey just because of your drug experimentation days of drawing on walls and answering phones.

    Ranting Seriously recently posted Snow storms: a time for cookies.

  218. I had to go watch all the “Katy Couric and Jenny Lawson” videos after seeing this post. I don’t know why I never thought to go search for you outside of your own Chanel on youtube… There are so many vids from your book signings! That’s awesome since I keep managing to miss them.

    CrissyM recently posted Have you hugged your favorite author today?.

  219. I’m glad you shared. It’s not a dirty secret, it’s a cry for help, and sounds like it was heard. Someday you won’t have to. We love you.

    Sarah recently posted Quick Tips for Treats.

  220. And today is one of those days when I think “I’m really jealous of Jenny Lawson’s life.”

    …okay, so that’s every day, but still.

    Emelie recently posted Guys. Guys. Guys… I Need Your Help..

  221. I agree, definitely resume worthy.

  222. I just started a new job, so I am WAY behind on reading your blog… BUT I saw this and, in the event that no one else has posted this to your comments, I felt that is was my duty to do so…

    Headline: Oklahoma Man Swears He’s Taken a Photo of the Chupacabra

    http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/oklahoma-man-swears-hes-taken-a-photo-of-the-chupacabra

  223. ‘Lady-garden’ is the most accurate term for vagina I’ve heard… ever. It’s all coming up roses.

    Burns the Fire recently posted Life or Death, 2.

  224. Does being from Philadelphia mean that I’m one vaginal degree from Bradley Cooper as well? Because that would be nice.

    Lee recently posted Dude Days Are (Never) Over.

  225. Incidentally, thanks for a much needed laugh.

    Lee recently posted Dude Days Are (Never) Over.

  226. True story: Bradley Cooper’s character’s house in “A Place Beyond the Pines” was filmed in my sister’s home. Left behind with various other cheap props that the crew purchased at salvation army, was a pair of plain white boat shoes that Bradley Cooper wore on set. Turns out he has the same size feet as my father. A 61-year-old man in Upstate New York is wearing Bradley Cooper’s shoes.

  227. I’ve been troubling myself with the question “what type of job would this be a selling point to put on your resumé” and surprisingly the answer is: all of them! Who _wouldn’t_ want to work with someone whose vagina is one degree of separation from Bradley Cooper’s face?

    Amelia recently posted Rude (I'm a cinema vigilante).

  228. This entry, awesome lady, is why you all kinds of awesome :)

    Mary recently posted Booky.

  229. Hahaha oooh, this made my day. I’ve spent a week up on the mountains without any internet or TV and I come home to civilization to Bradley Cooper’s face in your almost-lady-garden. Brilliant! It’s so good to be back! :D

    Cara(Eli) recently posted Winter break.

  230. Believe it or not, a similar situation exists between myself and Bob Ross. Okay, don’t beleive it. IT’S ALL LIES. But there’s something weirdly enticing about thinking of Mr. Ross transitioning over into “happy little gardens,” if you *know what I mean.* Vaginas, Jenny. I’m talking about Bob Ross painting happy little vaginas.

    Jessica recently posted mudbloods, cake, & how to be the very best bad guy.

  231. I do have an eye for detail and looking at those two pictures, I’m afraid I have to say that he is face planting Katie’s seat, not yours. See, you’re in the single chair, she’s on the loveseat. And then he’s on the love seat, all in love with Katie’s vajayjay spot.

    Love the background pictures in that top scene though. Red is my favorite color and you make it do things I didn’t know red could do!

    sparkling74 recently posted Keep The Tortilla, Mary Pendergast.

  232. Hahaha, this made me laugh out very loud! And almost a little jealous ;-)

    Natasja recently posted Winterkost: Avocado Grapefruit Salade.

  233. The vagina is the inside part. It would be very difficult to have a couch support it.

  234. Ah, “Bradley Cooper and my vagina.” That’s a phrase I don’t hear nearly often enough.

    Dana the Biped recently posted Mad Motor Skillz, Yo. I've Got Them..

  235. Does it kind of make ya wonder if he saw you on the show, and thought hey….when I get out there on that couch, I’m gonna……
    Well, either way, pretty cool stat for your resume.

    Leslie recently posted Oscar Recap 2013.

  236. I know I’m a little wait, but lmfao. I aspire to one day have my vagina in the same vicinity as Bradley Cooper, so you’re basically my hero.

    Amarticus recently posted Alligators, Turtles & Panthers, Oh My!.

  237. Please tell me you didn’t fart on that cushion that that was in the picture “Academy-award nominated actor with his face where my butt was”! :P

    Mariah recently posted News On My Mother Post Surgery Complications Showing up again – and Apologies.

  238. Obviously he can’t fight the pheromones.

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