Cursing makes everything funnier.
My dog just died.
My fucking dog just died.
See.
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Personalizing stacks of books today and having lots of feelings. So many people send my books to others who are struggling. They ask me to write specific notes to their loved ones and the requests are so beautiful that I want to share them but I won’t bc it seems too personal. But just between you and me, if you’ve written something lovely to someone you love and I get to transcribe it for you I feel very lucky bc your words touch me as well. I am warmed by your fire.
Apparently two of my books were used without permission to train generative-AI systems. So, that sucks.
I can write. I can doodle. My talents do not extend to video. Sorry.
ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:
I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:
I like it better as “My dog just fucking died.”
See? More emotional!
No way. “My dog just fucking died” is tragic. You can practically hear the devastation. “My fucking dog just died” is way better. It implies that it’s the annoying dog’s fault for dying.
I can’t believe you find “My dog just fucking died” funny. You are a sick person, Christine. You are banned for the rest of the afternoon.
Bite me, man!
But, see, if you take it literally, it sounds like the dog was fucking when it died when you write it that way.
Oh, but I may be labeled a “sick puppy” and banned from the blog for that position. So, uh, Hey, Jenny!! You’re always right! Love ya!
Oh, did I ever share with you this poem my dad wrote:
Bless dammit and shit
How often they rise to fit
While others sit.
My fucking dog did just die. NOW how funny is it? 🙁
Kidding. She’s just sleeping.
Fuck, my fucking dog just fucking died. (That would be for those who have named their dog “Fuck”
My fucking rabbit just died also. I wonder where it went…oh wait, nevermind.
Fucking hell yes it makes it funnier. And shit.
Just tell me where to send the fucking sympathy card.
Except I can’t say that.
Don’t tell anyone.
Fuck yea!
See, cursing is part of why I miss Ireland so feckin’ much. I mean, there are TWO versions of the “f” word there. And both are just adjectives like “red” or “homely” that you are expected to use in normal conversation. Does it get any fucking better than that?
PS: I’m all atwitter about the new site, chica! Rock on!
Are you saying your dog was fucking when he died? Because that’s how I want to go too.
My children have asked me to stop cursing because it embarrasses them so I can’t respond in cuss. Wait, fuck them, they don’t read your blog. You are fucking great.
I had to come back after reading the post before this one (I’m working my way forward). Now I’m going to have to put in some provisos damn it! Ok, I want to die fucking, but not on a rooftop.
What I want to know is if we’re really in the business of fucking shit.
not that this has anything to do with it, but
http://www.xkcd.com/c90.html
Yay! You’re uncensored! Welcome to your new fucking digs!!
I loves it! It’s GREAT!
Ooohhh I love unscensored. Oh wait, I fucking love unscensored. Great new blog.
i love me some uncensored! too bad my fucking dog is fucking pregnant again. want a fucking puppy?? hehe this is fun!
ok – i tried to link directly to this post today but since my shift key doesn’t work i couldn’t type the question mark into the url address. grrr. so it’s a general link to you. which is far less funny. so i’m quite fucking pissed.
With some more ambition, you could EASILY squeeze more curse words in there. Hell, I myself have managed at times to have a curse word appear as every other word in a sentence.
So, i realise this is now way back in the distant past, but why has nobody else pointed out that in the greatest reformulation of those words is “My dog just died fucking”?
BOOM. New Year’s Resolution in July is a go.
As a warning, I’ve decided to stalk you.
I mean, not in real life, just through your blog.
Not that you’re not worthy of real life stalking. But I live in Northern Virginia and that’s really far from Texas and I never remember to sign up for frequent flyer miles so it’d cost a fortune and while I am in need of a good being-sent-to-jail story, based entirely on cultural stereotypes I assume Texans would just shoot me instead.
Not that I couldn’t also use a good being-shot-by-a-crazed-person-wearing-a-wide-brimmed-hat story, but my skin is delicate. I once had a “down there” wax and the technician told me that I bled more than normal, and pretending that’s some sort of medical authority I think I could write my own note excusing me from being shot on account of my sensitive skin.
I have read all 126 pages of your blog in the past two weeks.
Needless to say, I’m a big fan.
I have read all 133 pages of you blog in the last 96 hours
I think that makes me a bigger fan 😉
Also, happy anniversary!
I got here because of your chicken blog. Now I’m starting from the beginning and working my way up 🙂
<—– fan
was fwded your chicken story and now im hooked. fucking A.
I’m in your fucking archives having fun. How can you make the rest of the world look so crazy?
Okay, I’m way late to this party but I only found you recently and have just finished reading your archives backwards to the beginning. Coincidentally, you started your Bloggess adventure on my 30th birthday. It was a shitty birthday. My best friend bailed on me for dinner, so my fondest memory of saying goodbye to my 20’s was going to the gynecologist for a yeast infection. I’m really quite thrilled to see rock-solid proof that SOMETHING good happened on my 30th birthday! I’ll consider you and your amazing stories to be a belated birthday present to me. See? You’re such a generous, healing person, giving such a great gift to someone you don’t even know! Is it any wonder I’m totally enamored of you now?? BTW, my husband is starting to talk about you and your family like we’re all old friends, based on the number of your postings I’ve snorted/cried/laughed/read out loud to him. Wesley-Anne is one of my top faves. Keep it up, girl!
Hmm…Maybe, in keeping with this birthday post for me (yes, totally claiming it) I should have said “my fondest memory of saying goodbye to my 20?s was going to the fucking gynecologist for a yeast infection”. Man, you’re right! Cussing does take the sting out of it! It’s (almost) funny this way! You rock!
Ok just read all the way back to your first post. Took about a week. I wanted to carve my virtual initials into the comment section. I wish I had found you earlier before you got so popular and famous.
So this is where it all began. You give me hope with my blog. Ah, fuck it, I’m gonna go take a nap.
So this is the beginning .. kinda like the Big Bang of Blogs.
I actually came across this after reading your book which was only published here in Australia this year.
Can’t believe I have spent the last 5 years not knowing about this!
I feel like I have found my ‘people’ :o)
P.S. a lot of the links within your older posts no longer work. I feel sad.
Just fucking got here after reading your fucking book and reading every single fucking blog. I feel like I reached the end of the fucking internet. Love you and your writing!!! (or fucking love you and your fucking writing!!)
Wow! What a start! Welcome to the blogosphere…
Hey, better late than never!
OMG. So I don’t have a real comment, but I finally made it to your very first post after reading constantly for almost a month and I just wanted to acknowledge my accomplishment in some way. So here is a comment.
I have accomplished it too! Thank you for sharing with us.
damn, 167 pages and I’m out of Vintage Bloggess.. Long time (since 2010 or so afair) fan first time commenter btw, hope you’ve done a shitload of new fucking posts while this slow fucking reader was busy reading the fucking past 😉
… I don’t know why I wasn’t expecting this to be your first post. This is exactly the kind of wonderfully messed up thing you would start with. You’re awesome Jenny.
I’m getting my own tiny bloggy house in order, will reach out soon to introduce myself, a lurker fan follower from day one, tickled to have been happy-birthday’d by you on facebook. 💕 ツ SMF
I just finished reading ‘Let’s Pretend’ (again), and I read this chapter on the balcony with tears streaming down my face. My wife (I almost typed fiancée; holy shit time flies) shook her head at me, similar to the way I imagine Victor sometimes doing to you.
I’m so so fucking sorry for your loss, then and whenever the memory hurts rather than soothes. But you’re right; swearing makes everything funnier, even if just for the second ♥