So I just woke up and it’s almost 2:00 in the afternoon. I haven’t slept this late since high school and now I’m totally freaked out. I normally wake up at 4am so there is no possible reason that I would sleep this late unless I lost time after being abducted by aliens. Except that I’m not really sore so apparently the aliens are very small. Or that they didn’t take advantage of me at all. Which is insulting and also wasteful, like taking shrimp at the buffet and then not eating it. My left ear hurts a little but I think it’s because I slept on it wrong. Or that the aliens are freaks.
And in other news that I’ll regret writing as soon as I wake up from this haze, I got this PR email from a company selling “Emotes” which are “cyber beings developed as a learning tool to help children better understand and handle their emotions”. So I went to the link and it freaked the shit out of me because it was pretty much unintentional porn.
So I emailed back the company and was all:
“I just looked at the emotes “Funny pages” and those things are totally creepy. Are they supposed to be creepy? Because if so then they’re pretty awesome. If they’re not supposed to be creepy then they’re kind of even more awesome. So, yes. Please send me lots of these creepy things.”
And they actually fucking did. And my kid was all “WTF? Hide them”. But the cat fucking loved them.
The lesson here? Cats love p0rn, people shouldn’t send me stuff, aliens like to do it in the ear.
PS. While I’m on the subject of things which only seem funny when I’m all woozy and recovering from ear molestation, the other day at work I was talking about vagina with my friend Christine and she was all “IT’S A VULVA! The vagina is the tube. WHY CAN’T YOU GET THIS?!” and I’m like “Yeah, but I don’t like ‘vulva’ so calm the fuck down, freak” and then my other friend Tracy walks in and is all “Because they’re too boxy?” and Christine is like “The hell?” and I’m all “Vulva, Tracy. Not Volvo“. And then he decided to never join our conversations again. But then right after that Tracy and I decided we were gonna quit and start our own business making vagina mints for those “not so fresh days” and we even came up with a theme song for the “Vagimint Regiment” which is what we’re calling it. All we need now is a venture capitalist and a licensed scientist someone to lick the “A” off of all the altoids we just bought.
UPDATED: I just realized that it’s only the altoid mini’s that have the giant A and the regular altoids don’t even have any labels on them. God is totally on our side with this.
Comment of the day: You know you should just use those listerine melting strip things. That way they’ll just melt away and you won’t have to worry about part of the mint falling out onto the floor when you’re in the middle of a conversation with someone. I mean how embarrassing would that be if you were talking to your boss and all of the sudden a mint fell out of your vagina? ~ Gingela5