And now that I think about it, in most of the pictures I’ve seen of aliens they were all smooth down there

So I just woke up and it’s almost 2:00 in the afternoon. I haven’t slept this late since high school and now I’m totally freaked out.  I normally wake up at 4am so there is no possible reason that I would sleep this late unless I lost time after being abducted by aliens.  Except that I’m not really sore so apparently the aliens are very small.  Or that they didn’t take advantage of me at all.  Which is insulting and also wasteful, like taking shrimp at the buffet and then not eating it.  My left ear hurts a little but I think it’s because I slept on it wrong.  Or that the aliens are freaks. 

And in other news that I’ll regret writing as soon as I wake up from this haze, I got this PR email from a company selling “Emotes” which are “cyber beings developed as a learning tool to help children better understand and handle their emotions”.  So I went to the link and it freaked the shit out of me because it was pretty much unintentional porn.

 So I emailed back the company and was all: 

“I just looked at the emotes “Funny pages” and those things are totally creepy.  Are they supposed to be creepy?  Because if so then they’re pretty awesome.  If they’re not supposed to be creepy then they’re kind of even more awesome.  So, yes.  Please send me lots of these creepy things.”

And they actually fucking did.  And my kid was all “WTF?  Hide them”.  But the cat fucking loved them. 

The lesson here? Cats love p0rn, people shouldn’t send me stuff, aliens like to do it in the ear.

 PS.  While I’m on the subject of things which only seem funny when I’m all woozy and recovering from ear molestation, the other day at work I was talking about vagina with my friend Christine and she was all “IT’S A VULVA!  The vagina is the tube.  WHY CAN’T YOU GET THIS?!” and I’m like “Yeah, but I don’t like ‘vulva’ so calm the fuck down, freak” and then my other friend Tracy walks in and is all “Because they’re too boxy?” and Christine is like “The hell?” and I’m all “Vulva, Tracy.  Not Volvo“.  And then he decided to never join our conversations again.  But then right after that Tracy and I decided we were gonna quit and start our own business making vagina mints for those “not so fresh days” and we even came up with a theme song for the “Vagimint Regiment” which is what we’re calling it.  All we need now is a venture capitalist and a licensed scientist someone to lick the “A” off of all the altoids we just bought.

UPDATED:  I just realized that it’s only the altoid mini’s that have the giant A and the regular altoids don’t even have any labels on them.  God is totally on our side with this.

Comment of the day: You know you should just use those listerine melting strip things. That way they’ll just melt away and you won’t have to worry about part of the mint falling out onto the floor when you’re in the middle of a conversation with someone. I mean how embarrassing would that be if you were talking to your boss and all of the sudden a mint fell out of your vagina? ~ Gingela5

144 thoughts on “And now that I think about it, in most of the pictures I’ve seen of aliens they were all smooth down there

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I totally think the vagina mints are awesome, I’ll come lick off all the ‘A’s’ for you, God this sentence sounds kinky… Hi I’m Mariah and I want to lick the A off of your vagina mints.

  2. vulva, vulva, vulva, vulva… aren’t they called boxes anyway, and if that’s the case, can my box be too boxy? I think not. Tell Tracy to think about that for a little while. Also, buying a box of pre-licked vagina mints would be much more convenient that the kind you have to lick yourself… just saying.

  3. I LIVE for the days that you post. SO much so that Ive considered plagerizing your work. dont worry, not only do i not know how to spell plagerize .. i would actually DO it either. Youre a brilliant mind and I can not WAIT for your book!
    Love
    Madness

  4. So, my husband recently shared the following helpful insight with me: bad aliens are known for anal probe action. Good aliens are known for building things like Stonehenge. So, if you see an alien with a wand, run. If you see one with a shovel, say “Hi.” Kinda counterintuitive, that.

  5. You’re insane and brilliant and few can follow a premise like “Vagiment Regiment” — (although I think you mean Vagamint Regimen” for a routine and not a regiment of soldiers, but who knows?) — BUT if you DID want to use the possibly-burning Altoids-with-an-A, just turn them upside down and say that it’s NOT an “A”, it’s obviously a “V” with a mint in the middle. If anyone asked…

  6. Pingback: Good Mom / Bad Mom
  7. I think you might want to follow the tic tac business model rather than Altoids. The little 1 1/2 calorie vag mint sounds much easier to swallow (so to speak) than the curiously strong vag mint.

  8. Now the gods are totally smiling down on your new venture. As a marketing strategy it so much more effective to sell the mini vagina mints. After all, what woman want to advertise that SHE needs the big A ones?

    Faye’s last blog post..They Oughta be in Pictures

  9. Now we’re all for sure gonna say “vulva” because you AND Oprah are talkin about it.

    I’m not sure I like the idea of a mint scent down there. What about cucumber? So fresh and airy. And everyone should like cucumbers down there….

    Wendy’s last blog post..ageism at the San Diego Zoo

  10. I’ve heard that about aliens… freaks.

    I think you should have tagged this with “vagina mints” to see how many people are looking for them. I mean, clearly this venture will be one full of success… I just think you should be prepared for the level of success. Viva la Vagina Mints!

    Lacey’s last blog post..Photo Story Friday: Endless Love

  11. Vagina mints is a pretty good idea. But once you get somebody to lick the a out of the vAginA mints, you are left with vgin mints, and is that some sort of vegan mint? Or mints that taste like v gin? And what is v gin, anyway?

    But then again, if you made mints that *tasted* like vagina, there would probably be a market. I’m sure there are a bunch of smallish men who would use those to blast the impression that they had spent some quality time actually WITH a vagina, instead of Rosie Palmist and her Five Sisters.

    I am clearly thinking too hard on this one.

    Pamela’s last blog post..sometimes things just work out.

  12. Gawd my stomach hurts…

    And my husband is annoyed with me again for laughing hysterically and interrupting his reading.

    What he doesn’t seem to understand is that you are better for my health than Norman Cousins or Valium and that he is saving hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars in ticket prices for comedy club efforts that don’t even get out of the starting gate next to you.

    To quote a previous commenter, “I’m dyin.”

    La Framéricaine’s last blog post..Lest I Neglect To Add My 2¢ Worth…

  13. I think if you posted more often, you’d be able to claim something on your taxes like “public service (psychiatric)” for keeping the rest of us sane.

    Or maybe be able to claim something for being clearly insane yourself.

    I’m not sure, I’m not a tax thingy person.

    Keely’s last blog post..A new low

  14. Just to let you know:

    1. “Vagimint Regiment” is quite the good idea. I’ve tried it and you’re on to something. (Did I just write that?)

    2. And not that I’ve ever used these words in conversation or anything, but I remember sneaking and reading a list of slang vagina words in “Our Bodies, Our Selves” or some banned pre-teen porn like that and the three that remain with me to this day are “muff, stuff, box.”

    So, “Muff Mints” then?

    It’s all about having options.

    Chrystal’s last blog post..Anatomy of a Cell Phone Photo

  15. When I hear vulva, I see Jerry Seinfield saying Mulva, and that just squicks me out. And labia just isn’t as funny. However, I do want to let you know that cool minty freshness is not going to be the result of your vagimints. You might as well light your pink parts on FIRE. Don’t ask me how I know that!

    derfina’s last blog post..Friendship…And a Contest!

  16. Of course cats love porn. Cats are aliens. Aliens love porn. That’s what all the abduction and probing’s all about. Aliens live in your house disguised as cats, abduct you at night, film themselves doing unspeakable things to you, wipe your memory, sell the tapes (“Debbie Does Deneb”, “Earth Probe 7”, “Deep Proboscis”), turn back into cats and crap in your best shoes. It explains everything.

    Steve’s last blog post..Extreme Makeover: ISS Edition

  17. I honestly don’t even know what to say about this….other than to wonder how you got a husband that will let you sleep that late…Because if you know the trick I would like to know. Or if not, can I just borrow your husband once a month? I promise I won’t touch him!

    Kerries’s last blog post..Small Purse – Big School

  18. Call them ‘cubby mints’ cause then you will get all the freaky porn searches that I get.

    In Australia a cubby is a childs outside playhouse. In the US it is something entirely different.

    Or it is just your freaky aliens searching my blog and if that is the case I know why Boo woke this morning, claimed his ear felt like ‘warm’ and then licked the wall.

    Kelley’s last blog post..Dammit. I knew there was something missing from Boo’s party. And keeping with the tradition of freakishly long blog post titles, something about Christmas too.

  19. I have to agree that the Altoids would likely burn.
    But here’s an idea! You know those commercials where they’re saying “Spit out that piece of gum already and chew a new one!” Well… if it still has flavour, then it must still have freshness… so how about we all just send you our chewed up gum and you can grow rich selling them?

    Of course with the way some of your readers post such freaky stuff here, I’d probably recommend you wear some latex gloves when handling them…. (whistles and walks away).

    Aunt Evolity’s last blog post..Crack Crack

  20. God is totally on your side.

    ….or he thought you deserved a break after the ear molestation – which was probably done by those freaking psychotic looking “toys” – you probably have a Chucky meets Toy Story situation going on in your house….

    dude your life sucks…first the snake incident and now creepy toys are coming to life and molesting your ear holes.

  21. Don’t think I am up for the mint licking, even if they haven’t actually been in a vagina yet.

    Those cat things I think my six year old wouldn’t like but the 23 and 26 year olds would be all over them.

    annie’s last blog post..Becoming Jane

  22. Vulvas have the best safety ratings. Uvulas are the little dangling things in the back of the throat. Sometimes my uvula gets inflamed.
    this post made me dizzy, i think it gave me an aneurysm.

  23. You want us to stick an Altoid into our vagina?!? Those suckers burn my tongue, I don’t even want to think about how that would feel on my most sensitive of areas. Although it is kind of a brilliant idea.

    I mistakenly taught my girls the term vagina when I actually meant vulva, but now that I’m trying to teach them the correct term, they refuse to use it. The words I hate more than any other? Pus and probe. (shudder)

    Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..My VBAC Stories

  24. “… there’s only one candy for the
    hole in your middle…”

    Compliments of my dear hubby. We love you!
    (and that’s only creepy if you think it is.)

    Beth’s last blog post..Realizations.

  25. In the interest of public education:

    Vulvodynia: Causes, Symptoms, and Treatments

    Women with vulvodynia have chronic vulvar pain with no known cause. Until recently, doctors didn’t recognize this as a real (of course not, they don’t have a vulva) pain syndrome. Even today, many women do not receive a diagnosis. They may also remain isolated by a condition that is not easy to discuss. Researchers are working hard to uncover the causes of vulvodynia and to find better ways to treat it.

    Types of Vulvodynia

    Vulvodynia affects the vulva, the external female genital organs. This includes the labia, clitoris, and vaginal opening.

    There are two main subtypes of vulvodynia:

    * Generalized vulvodynia is pain in different areas of the vulva at different times. Vulvar pain may be constant or occur every once in a while. Touch or pressure may or may not prompt it. But this may make the pain worse.
    * Vulvar vestibulitis syndrome is pain in the
    vestibule. This is the entrance to the vagina. Often a burning sensation, this type of vulvar pain comes on only after touch or pressure, such as during intercourse.

    Possible Causes of Vulvodynia

    Doctors don’t know the causes of vulvodynia. And there is no evidence that infections, such as sexually transmitted diseases, cause vulvodynia.

    Researchers are trying to find the causes of vulvodynia. They may include:

    * Nerve injury or irritation
    * Abnormal response in vulvar cells to an infection or trauma
    * Genetic factors that make the vulva respond poorly to chronic inflammation
    * Hypersensitivity to yeast infections
    * Muscle spasms
    * Allergies or irritation to chemicals or other substances
    * Hormonal changes
    * History of sexual abuse
    * Frequent antibiotic use

    Women with Vulvodynia: Who Has It?

    A woman of any age, beginning in her teen years, may have vulvodynia. There is no consensus on how many women have vulvodynia. Estimates of women with vulvodynia range from 200,000 to 6 million. Once thought to mainly affect whites, African-American and Hispanic women are now known to be equally affected.

    The Physical and Emotional Impact of Vulvodynia

    Vulvodynia can have a huge impact on a woman’s life. It can impair her ability to have sex, exercise, socialize, or work. A National Institutes of Health (NIH) study showed that most women with vulvodynia feel “out of control,” unable to have sexual intercourse, and unable to fully enjoy life. If this is true for you, seek the support you need.

    Signs and Symptoms of Vulvodynia

    Lasting months to years, symptoms of vulvodynia usually begin suddenly.

    Common Symptoms of Vulvodynia

    These are the most common symptoms of vulvodynia:

    * Burning, stinging, or rawness
    * Aching, soreness, or throbbing
    * Itching

    A burning pain is the single most common symptom of vulvodynia. Some women describe it as a knife-like pain or like an acid poured on the skin.

    Although the vulva usually appears normal, it may look a bit inflamed or swollen.

    It is quite possible that the VAGIMENT REGIMENT might become synonymous with VULVODYNIA, if you insist on using Altoids. I’m just sayin’…

    Oh, yeah, I had vulvodynia for five months. It was pure hell. But that’s another comment.

    La Framéricaine’s last blog post..Lest I Neglect To Add My 2¢ Worth…

  26. OMFG I am seriously sitting here, in the dark, laughing out loud. G-d I hope I don’t wake the baby! Thanks Ms. Jenny for cracking this old mama up. 😉

    Cheryl’s last blog post..Ouch.

  27. You know the Japanese sell packets of gold dust which they eat, so their poop comes out all nice and shiny and golden. I shit you not. Anyway there’s a helluva market for you. Maybe they would buy you out, but that might be a bit of an acquired taste.

  28. This is all a little racy for me. Isn’t the vulva just the front alien part? I mean, it’s not the umbrella term for the whole shebang. It’s one part, the vagina is another part. I could be totally wrong about this, but I have a PhD.

    Nora Bee’s last blog post..Best pillow talk ever

  29. Being a man and all, and the survivor of numerous heterosexual relationships as well as a current eight-year marriage I admit to not knowing much about vaginas or vulvas. I do, however, have way more experience with vaginas and vulvas than with Volvos. I understand Volvos are considerd safer than both vaginas and vulvas but both the vulva and vagina are much more stylish than the Volvos that I have seen.

    I am, however, schooled in marketing and think your product needs at least one more beneficial feature. Perhaps you could make it a minty gum? That way those interested in the freshness of the mintiness could also use it for Kegel exercises like Oprah does on her show. For God’s sake, don’t swallow it though. It’ll be in there for years.

  30. You should never stick foreign objects in your ear. Alien dick falls into this category. Also, the ear is the backdoor of the soul. Or something like that. I don’t know.

    Hello, Jenny the Bloggess.

  31. You know you should just use those listerine melting strip things. That way they’ll just melt away and you won’t have to worry about part of the mint falling out onto the floor when you’re in the middle of a conversation with someone. I mean how embarrassing would that be if you were talking to your boss and all of the sudden a mint fell out of your vagina?

    gingela5’s last blog post..My Husband’s Most Embarrassing Moment…

  32. I am so signing up for the Regiment. Can I be a sergeant, or a commodore? I foresee some sort of ad copy like:

    Friend one: “What sort of rank are you?”

    Friend two: “I’m not rank anymore. I use Vagimints.”

  33. I just awarded you a Superior Scribbler thingee, which you probably already have, but I had to come up with 5 bloggers who stand out for me as writers in some way. And of course you came to mind. There are images burned into my skull from some of your posts, which I couldn’t forget even if I wanted to.
    So even though you are a famous person and I feel like a dumb kid writing fan mail now, here you go:http://tinyurl.com/628m6v

    Kat’s last blog post..Superior Scribbling

  34. Wow. The number of ways in which this post is disturbing may actually exceed the number of words contained in this post. Which may be a new record for you!

    By the way, have you done any “pre-testing” of the Altoids down there idea. It seems like it might not work as well as you’re thinking…

  35. Can’t you get that Guy friend of yours to help with the VC $$$? You know… the Guy whose new Twitter image looks like Liza Minnelli?

    I agree with the other commenter that your mint needs some other value to really set it apart. How about mint-combo-spermicide? I don’t think Altoids are already spermicides, but I’ve never really read the label.

    andy’s last blog post..Random Thautz for the week 2008-11-16

  36. Well, you may be on to something with the vag mints. But don’t forget to market them in a box that looks like soap powder, just so people won’t be embarrassed to cart them through Wal-Mart.

    And if you use my suggestion, can I become a partner? I’ll take like, 5%. Think about it.

    HeatherPride’s last blog post..A Mother’s Mind

  37. I don’t get it. All the little alien toys are showing their orgasm faces. How does that help children understand their emotions?

  38. I have to tell, DO NOT USE ANYTHING WITH SUGAR! Lifesavers have sugar, therefore yeast infection and a terrible UTI. Just sayin. Not like I have experience or anything…

  39. Other than the obvious reason why someone would not want something that burns “down there”, why are some of the commenters worried about flavor (someone said was excited about a chocolate flavored one) unless their “significant other” really likes chocolate, they must be very nimble.

    andy’s last blog post..Random Thautz for the week 2008-11-16

  40. I just popped over here because Steph of The Stephford Diaries mentioned you in a recent post. Now I know why she likes you so much, you are hilarious! Thanks for much laughter today 🙂

    Oh and I hope your ear has recovered from the alien probing. Although I hear they prefer the belly button, so you may want to check…

    PearlWisdom’s last blog post..Tag Part 1

  41. “…The freshmaker!”

    I just keep thinking of other mint and gum tag lines and laughing even more.

    “Dirty vulva? Clean it up with Vagmints…a good clean feeling no matter what (you’ve been doing)”

    avonlea’s last blog post..The one where I feel old

  42. “My left ear hurts a little but I think it’s because I slept on it wrong. Or that the aliens are freaks.”

    You probably just got an alien who failed his college exobiology course. They can’t all be geniuses, you know. Probably only got the job because his uncle’s the anal probing district manager. In a couple years he’ll get promoted to a middle management job in marketing and ear-aches here will suddenly drop 2.7%.

    Steve’s last blog post..Extreme Makeover: ISS Edition

  43. i slap on a little Aqua Vulva after I shave. refreshing!

    Quid Pro Quo. a propos of nothing, I just like to throw in Latin phrases every now and then. makes me feel smart. I don’t drink. I need something.

  44. dear your holy bloggess,

    even though reading your blog during class makes my iphone crash, makes me car(bus)sick/look like a crazy person when i’m reading you on the bus and laugh out loud, i still. can’t. stop. you are my hero and vanguard to my life. in fact, i even followed your example by sending steve jobs an email seeing if he could fix the crashing problem so i could be as unproductive as can be during class. hour later, still no reply. ipso facto, steve jobs hates bloggers.

    sincerely yours,
    your ever faithful follower

    ps, i’m the assistant that mutters about boxy vulvas!
    pps, i’m only an assistant by day…i’m a love goddess by night.
    ppps, and by love goddess i mean i snuggle with my hamster.
    pppps, and by hamster i may mean dust bunny…but a pet’s a pet, right?

  45. No kidding Steve Jobs hates bloggers. I sent him my open letter about cutting the fingers off dead hobos and he totally didn’t respond to me at all. That guys’s kind of a dick.

    Also, I throw up on buses all the time. Mostly because I’m drunk but also because of the carsickness. Buses are dicks too.

    I may have PMS today.

  46. That’s why I always sit in the same seat on the bus everyday to school and keep a barf bag underneath it just in case. In fact, just the other day I polished off a whole bottle of wine before I hopped on the bus (well, sans half a glass to a friend…I’m a social drinker). Come to think of it, I don’t think I ever made it on…

  47. Those things are completely frightening. And as for Vagimints? Um? Ow? Do you KNOW what mint feels like there? Cause, well, it hurts. Once I was brushing my teeth while going to the bathroom (it’s called multi-tasking, ok??) and I had a bit of toothpaste on my hand when I did the wipey thing…and, may I just say… YEEOWCH!

    T@SendChocolate’s last blog post..The Cat Says Meow

  48. Will these mints be located in the feminine product aisle or with regular mints? This could seriously impact the voice over for the commercial advertisement!

  49. I LOVE this blog. FINALLY! Something totally original – not the same old rehashed crap that you see everywhere. I’m tired of all the PC crap. At least you’ve got personality.

    I’m cracking up here!

    DJ’s last blog post..It’s NaNoWriMo Time Again!

  50. We stick to ‘Vagina’ to describe the whole shebang…which was fun over the summer because my daughter shortened it to ‘gina which sounded like ‘china’ and then the Summer Olympics were on so the kids gasped and tee hee’d all summer long.

    So now my children are racist and anatomically incorrect.

  51. I MUST HAVE THESE!!!!
    um, the toys. not the vagina mints. i’m not at all opposed to the natural scent, or taste – for that matter, of my vagina.
    and i heart you and your irreverent humor. even when i’m not in a haze.

  52. uh, late late late comment because I missed this blog for a while. Sorry…

    Um, well, it’s true that women tend to have their vaginas on the inside and vulvas on the outside (I’ve never met a woman who didn’t, by the way) but I’m sorry to say that it is not true that it is a tube (sorry guys, it isn’t at all) so whoever gave it the Latin name meaning tube, sheath, covering, whatever, totally got it wrong, probably after just doing a, umm, “quickie” investigation or something (you know how men are always in a hurry) and never realized that it’s more bag shaped and hella lot bigger than he (or most men) ever thought. I never could understand why women call their vulvas vaginas (and why men do it too, although I know they don’t normally have vaginas–they tend to use it for women) but not vice versa and then I realized that “vagina” sounds rather nicer than “vulva” and has better rhyming possibilities, like, with “angina”, “Carolina”, “minah”, and so on, but I can’t really find much more than “Aqua Velva” to go with “vulva” (and that’s the best rhyme of them all) (mmm–“Aqua Vulva” I think I accidentally said that in church once and scared the organist) and it’s easier to say “vagina” twelve times fast but not “vulva”, which seems to make my lips get tangled up in my teeth after the third time. Anyway, the point is… ummm, let me think… O yes: that if anyone mentions that the vagina is a tube or something like that, you could just mention that it’s really a huge bag that is normally collapsed so it can pretend to be a tube because it has something to do with not being stretchy or something like that. So, that would call for a bag of mints, not just a roll, which would be less likely to fall out, unless the bag were open and then you could leave a trail of mints behind you or wherever you sit–like a mint laying chicken or something.

  53. I totally think the vagina bullets are amazing, I’ll lick every ‘A’s’ for you, God, that phrase sounds eccentric … Hi, I’m Mariah and I want to lick the A off your vagina bullets I think one delicious hmmm

  54. I totally think the vagina bullets are amazing, I’ll lick every ‘A’s’ for you, God, that phrase sounds eccentric … Hi, I’m Mariah and I want to lick the A off your vagina bullets I think one delicious hmmm

  55. Some WiFi names wisely make the most of people who don’t understand much about computer systems or wireless networks, yet can confuse also experienced computer system gurus, specifically after a few beers.

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