So tomorrow I’m taking off work to go to an inauguration party thrown by Oatmeal. Because when you think of Obama you think of oatmeal. Or something. I don’t really know where the tie-in is. All I know is that my friend Karen got a call from Big Oatmeal telling her to round up her girlfriends because they want to make us oatmeal. While we watch the inauguration. And then later we get our picture taken with a giant cardboard cut-out of the Quaker Oats guy. I am not making any of this up.
Basically it’s like a nintendo party but with oatmeal. Honestly, I could not think of a product less likely to have a party based around it. Like maybe a bunch of ad executives were sitting around thinking of the worst possible idea for a product tie-in and the first one’s all “How about a party where women get to try out the latest paper towels?” and the second one’s like “Yeah, except replace ‘paper towels’ with ‘maxi-pads'” and then the first guy is all “No, wait. How ’bout an OATMEAL PARTY?” and then guy #2 is like “Meh” and then the first guy is all “DURING THE PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATION“. And then the second one is all “High five, bro. You win. That’s the dumbest fucking idea ever” and then the third ad exec comes in and he’s wearing a top hat and a monocle because he’s like the boss of the other ad execs and he’s all “Dumber like a fox! We are totally going to do that idea and it will be so awesome that the New York Times will write about it” and then that totally actually happened.
Anyway, I’m not sure what you’re supposed to do at an inauguration party but I’m bringing booze and also I wrote the lyrics to the National Anthem on my hand in case I have to sing it. I’ll be updating the blog throughout the day with my thoughts on political junk. Also, I heard that there will be TV crews at Karen’s house which is awesome because I’ve wanted to say the F word on National TV for like, ever. Also, I just want to reiterate that this is an amazing, solemn occasion and I for one can’t wait to toast our new president. With oatmeal. Apparently.
PS. It just occurred to me that this could be some sort of sting, like when they tell wanted felons that they won a boat and then when the felon goes to pick it up it’s all police dogs and mace. If I don’t update this post it’s probably because all of this is some sort of elaborate set-up. And then when the police arrest me John McCain jumps out and is all “Seriously? You thought the black guy won?!” That would totally suck.
UPDATE – 6:30am: Fox news is here live-broadcasting us live-blogging about being live-broadcasted. I was all “You guys must be so fucking sad today”. They totally are. Also, there’s no oatmeal here at all yet. Mood: disappointed.
UPDATE – 6:45am: Happy Katie, Chookooloonks, Katherine Center and Jodi Bash from The Journey are all here. The news guy was just about to interview me at 8am and I mentioned that my granny is all “I wish Jenny would just blog about kittens and not about killing them” and then the news guy is all “Huh. So…maybe time to up the medications?” and I’m all “Oh, I’m already mixing a bunch of medications” and he’s all “Oh. Usually people are just kidding about that” and then like two minutes later he’s like “You know…maybe we’ll interview the religion blogger instead”. It’s probably a good choice.
UPDATE – 7am: Me: “The last time I was on fox news I was naked wearing only a bed sheet.” News guy : “I’m sorry, what?”. Me: “Are you sure you don’t want me to talk? Because I have a lot to say about this inauguration shit.” Him: “Pretty sure..pretty sure.”
UPDATE – 8:50 am: Motherfucker. There is no giant oatmeal cut-out guy. Instead we have the Quaker guys head on a stick. Also there’s no oatmeal here at all.
Mood: Completely disillusioned.
UPDATE – 8:55am: Laura just arrived with booze. Mood: Less pissed off.
UPDATE – 9:30am : The oatmeal is here. Fucking finally. Apparently we have an oatmeal caterer and he’s pouring us all champagne. Also something is important happening with Obama today. I’m like the best political pundit ever.
UPDATE – 11:00 : CBS is here. My laptop has crashed. I blame Bush. Also, if I was Obama I would totally be high right now and I would stab someone when I was coming down off the podium. And I’d be all “What’re you gonna do? Arrest me? I’M THE FUCKING PRESIDENT.” I wouldn’t stab anyone important though. And I’d just stab them in the leg so it wouldn’t be fatal. Because I’m all about mercy. Also, everytime they show Bush listening to Obama he looks like he’s lost in his own dream world. He’s probably all “How many ponies should I have? I think a lot.”
UPDATE 12:56pm – The CW is here now. I just got my first interview and I mentioned how awesome it would be if tomorrow Obama was all “And I’m also GAY, bitches” and then he’s the first gay President and then he get’s a sex change and he’s the first transgendered president and then the interviewer is all “That’s a lot of pressure” and I’m all “Well, he could stretch it out over a few months. He doesn’t have to do it all the first week.” I’m pretty sure they’re going to make me some kind of news anchor.
UPDATE (I don’t know what time it is) – The news did not use any part of my interview. Also, the inauguration has just ended and already the backlash and political infighting has begun. What was it Obama said about this kind of aggression? That we will extend our hand to you if you will just unclench your damn fist, and then we will kick you in the groin while you’re still looking at our hand? That’s what I heard.
Comment of the day: When I was little, I thought that the Quaker Oats guy was Benjamin Franklin. Or that Benjamin Franklin was the Quaker Oats guy. The concept was kind of scary to me, just another in a long list of Things Adults Did that I’d maybe eventually figure out later. ~kristy