So I was in the bathroom at Taco Cabana and someone had written “LIVE EVERY DAY AS IF IT WAS YOUR LAST” on the wall of the stall which is really horrible advice because if it was really my last day on earth I’d spend that day calling all the people who have wronged me to tell them they’re assholes. But then you’d wake up the next morning and BAM, you’re still alive and now your voicemail is filled with people yelling at you because they all got the messages you left last night. I was going to write this all on the stall but I couldn’t find a sharpie. And then like a month later you’d be at a party and you’d totally run into one of the people you called but you don’t remember telling them how much they suck because you were probably drunk because who’s going to be sober on their last day on earth? Not me, motherf’ckers. And so I’d be all “Oh hi, you!” and they’d be like “Um…didn’t you leave me a voicemail calling me a giant whorebag?” and then I’d be all “Oh. Awk-ward.” But then I’d be all, “But I mean, you are kind of a whore. You slept with my ex-fiance, remember? Whore?” Which would actually be kind of awesome. Okay, I’ve changed my mind. This is excellent advice. Expect some calls tonight, assholes.
PS. I tried to look up the “Live every day like it’s your last” saying to find the author but google was all “Did you mean ‘Live every day like no one’s watching’?” which I think means you can dig your underwear out of your butt during important business meetings. I am totally going to get promoted.
PPS. In utterly unrelated news, I got a letter from my doctor saying my final tests came back positive for rheumatoid arthritis but that my x-rays showed “no obvious deformities yet” and the doctor ended the letter by assuring me this “was all good news”. I don’t know medicine terminology but I suspect when your doctor tells you the good news is “no obvious deformities yet” in layman’s terms it means “Lady, you are totally fucked”. Someone start building my blog scooter now. Also, I want ramps everywhere and from now on all the handicap parking spots really do belong to people in wheelchairs and not just to people who feel like they’re disabled because they have really bad cramps that day. And also, if you’re in a wheelchair you get frontsies in line at the liquor store. We need to get this all passed in congress before I’m disabled because then it’ll look like I’m just doing it for me because it’s what Jesus would do.
Comment of the day: The only place with really bad bathroom stall wall advice is Wal-Mart. One time, I found my mom’s phone number written there.
Seriously. ~ Abby