Or maybe you just shouldn’t do whatever the bathroom wall tells you to do.

So I was in the bathroom at Taco Cabana and someone had written “LIVE EVERY DAY AS IF IT WAS YOUR LAST” on the wall of the stall which is really horrible advice because if it was really my last day on earth I’d spend that day calling all the people who have wronged me to tell them they’re assholes.   But then you’d wake up the next morning and BAM, you’re still alive and now your voicemail is filled with people yelling at you because they all got the messages you left last night.  I was going to write this all on the stall but I couldn’t find a sharpie.  And then like a month later you’d be at a party and you’d totally run into one of the people you called but you don’t remember telling them how much they suck because you were probably drunk because who’s going to be sober on their last day on earth?  Not me, motherf’ckers.  And so I’d be all “Oh hi, you!” and they’d be like “Um…didn’t you leave me a voicemail calling me a giant whorebag?” and then I’d be all “Oh.    Awk-ward.”  But then I’d be all, “But I mean, you are kind of a whore.  You slept with my ex-fiance, remember?  Whore?”  Which would actually be kind of awesome.  Okay, I’ve changed my mind.  This is excellent advice.  Expect some calls tonight, assholes.

PS.  I tried to look up the “Live every day like it’s your last” saying to find the author but google was all “Did you mean ‘Live every day like no one’s watching’?” which I think means you can dig your underwear out of your butt during important business meetings.  I am totally going to get promoted.

PPS.  In utterly unrelated news, I got a letter from my doctor saying my final tests came back positive for rheumatoid arthritis but that my x-rays showed “no obvious deformities yet” and the doctor ended the letter by assuring me this “was all good news”.  I don’t know medicine terminology but I suspect when your doctor tells you the good news is “no obvious deformities yet” in layman’s terms it means “Lady, you are totally fucked”.  Someone start building my blog scooter now.  Also, I want ramps everywhere and from now on all the handicap parking spots really do belong to people in wheelchairs and not just to people who feel like they’re disabled because they have really bad cramps that day.  And also, if you’re in a wheelchair you get frontsies in line at the liquor store.  We need to get this all passed in congress before I’m disabled because then it’ll look like I’m just doing it for me because it’s what Jesus would do.

Comment of the day:  The only place with really bad bathroom stall wall advice is Wal-Mart. One time, I found my mom’s phone number written there.

Seriously. ~ Abby

129 thoughts on “Or maybe you just shouldn’t do whatever the bathroom wall tells you to do.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I never have a sharpie when I need one. I wish my super power were sharpie fingers. Then I could graffiti bathroom stalls/people’s faces/the Bible whenever I felt like it.

  2. RA is autoimmune type shit, stop eating gluten and see if it eases your pain. maybe you will be one of the lucky peoples this helps because i’m too damn busy panhandling for my own Hoverround to work on your blog scooter.

    and if you left me a message calling me a whorebag, I’d probably be all, dude you are SO RIGHT. I AM a whorebag and a douchelord. I’m self deprecating like that.

    fidget’s last blog post..The week[end] review

  3. so that RA bullshit? that shit that sucks? You are going to need to starting getting massages, regularly. And also? There is a reason why the bathroom at the Taco Cabana has advice on the apocalypse….

    flutter’s last blog post..I am kind of a dick.

  4. Oh, don’t worry. The economy is going to totally implode and revolution will break out and life as we know it will be so completely over long before any obvious deformities set in. Of course, in the new world order, the disabled are going to be quite vulnerable, so you probably need to work on your ability to control the masses and make them adore you so you are worshipped and protected.

    Wait a minute. You’ve done that! Good on you. You are so ahead of the curve. Maybe Nancy really is writing you from the future. Or maybe I am.

    I am living like every day is my last here in the future, just in case you were wondering.

    annie’s last blog post..Rare Sunday Update

  5. I always carry a sharpie with me for bathroom graffiti. I can’t believe you didn’t have one with you. I had faith in you for such things. You let me down. *pouts*

  6. The good news/bad news is Jesus doesn’t have arthritis (that I know of anyway…but those nails…OUCH) and also, if he was in Austin this weekend, he couldn’t get service on his 3G iPhone…so either way, he won’t be calling people telling them they are assholes. Wait, that made no sense whatsoever. Meaning, it probably made sense to you. BTW, that was a compliment.

    The Stiletto Mom’s last blog post..Fun And Games With Room Service

  7. Wait. Wait. WAIT. So, you’re telling me that phoning people randomly throughout the night and calling them whorebags is something you ONLY do when it’s your last day on Earth!?

    Shit. I am failing at life.

    Jamie’s last blog post..6 ways to not play it safe.

  8. I just put a sharpie in my purse so that I’m prepared for my next deep thought or fabulous response in the stall.

    I got the call about Lupus this year. My coworkers have been designing my future scooter ever since. The waiting list for rides and beer runs is out of control. May the deformities never come my friend. Autoimmune can suck my ass.

    Jessica’s last blog post..Big, Fat, Ugly Tease!

  9. We all walk thru fire Jen.
    Everyone of us in our own way.
    You can come out crispy and burned,
    Or you can come out tempered and strong.
    You spirit is bright and beautiful.
    I pray to whatever is out there bigger than us,
    That you use this to growm
    And be grateful.
    You are.
    And you could have just as easily
    Not been.
    So be grateful.

    Sharkey!

    Sharkey!’s last blog post..Confessions of a Junkie

  10. The nice thing to do would be to have “LIVE EVERY DAY like its your LAST” printed all over the handicap railings and ramps so people in wheelchairs would get that kum ba ya feelin’ people seem to appreciate. But in this economy, I bet they’d just insist that we save on the spending and do the short version: “its your LAST”. Now that wouldn’t be very nice. (I liked it better when our worst problem was how to tell the cat that she’d just lost her ovaries.)

    nin’s last blog post..Poetry and Code on a Sunday afternoon

  11. I’m going to live everyday like it’s my first, which means I get to nurse and crap my pants and all the people at the nursing home where I work won’t know the difference anyway(s), so what I’m trying to say is if you live in a glass house don’t have sex with a comatose octogenarian.

    Kurt’s last blog post..I’m Sorry, Irony

  12. Good thing you weren’t in an Italian bathroom. Usually it says something like want to have sex call me and if you do it’s a real dude’s phone number…not that my sister or I I have ever ever called to see who would leave a number or anything like that

    Anita Ovolina’s last blog post..I shake my booty really, really well.

  13. I am going to live every day like no one is watching because I dream of picking the underwear out of my butt as often as men adjust their balls in public.

    Congratulations on the completely lame news from your doctor. ‘Hi! We know why you are in pain, which you already knew, but don’t have evidence for the pain you will be in 10 years from now!’ Awesome!

    Memoirgirl’s last blog post..Stewart:Cramer::Gervais:Elmo

  14. I feel so inferior in the funny department EVERY TIME I’m here. and srsly, RA? I can’t even use my old stand-by of “heal up & hair over.” unless of course I say something like “i hope jesus helps you heal up & hair over.” but then I’m just opening a whole new can of worms and I think i’ll just shut up now

  15. Is that part of that “dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening” quote? Which by the way is terrible advice. Because as soon as you start doing those things, that’s exactly when everyone starts watching and listening. And pointing and laughing. And calling your mom to come pick you up.

    Steam me up, kid’s last blog post..Because I care

  16. I get tired of standing up and clapping slowly at the end of most of your posts, but that’s just because I’m extremely lazy– don’t stop working this insane magic.

    It sucks about the RA, but does it make me a bad person to feel giddy thinking of all the hilarious riffs you’d have once the obvious deformities kick in??

    You better pray for a third arm coming out of your forehead (just trim the Confidence Wig a bit to fit) because that would be exceedingly convenient as well as terrifying to all who meet you.

    The latter of which is of course awesome all by itself. Think of all the crippling guilt you could inspire in those who’ve wronged you! Isn’t that alone enough to make you stop feeling sorry for yourself –whether or not you’ve got a good reason– and start steering this ship in a direction that suits you?

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Ingredients in my shampoo that may kill me

  17. So instead of writing my paper on the effects of sex ed on young women in America (because our sex ed system sucks) I went and read through your entire blog. Backwards. In retrospect this wasn’t the best way, but it was fuckin’ hilarious either way. And that’s wasn’t creepy at all, was it? Nooo… it’s totally normal for someone to do that, right?

    Fuck you, paper that’s due tomorrow at noon.

    And people who follow that kind of advice generally end up being committed. And I don’t know if that makes our society sad or just the person dancing and publicly wedgie hunting without subtlety. It also means I’m still closing the bathroom door in public.

    AlexMac’s last blog post..Impulse Control

  18. my only comment is

    “LAUGH”

    that’s all i did during this blog. i acutally cried a little too whilst laughing but thats because i had a shit day so there were some tears like stored up all in my bitch.

    please come to los angeles and be my friend. the ones i have kinda suck. and they are ugly too. and they don’t have any money.

    p.s. go read my new blog. my baby turned two. cry/laugh with me.

    p.s.s. yay for not being the elephant man.

    katiekins’s last blog post..two years

  19. if you grow extra fingers with your future deformities, maybe some of them will work on your iphone so you don’t have to use dead hobos.

    katiekins’s last blog post..two years

  20. I am so sorry about the RA (seriously, no one else thinks of resident advisors every time? its just me?)

    also – Nadal apparently lives life like no one is watching. he is a wedgie picking machine – its awkward.

    Deidre’s last blog post..A photo meme, WAhooo

  21. See the problem with reading this stuff at night is that Hotty Hubby hears me laughing and then I have to read it to him. And then he’s all “hey she’s funny, wanna come have sex?”

    I’m not sure of the connection. I just know that you’re hilarious and he’s horny. ‘Nuff said.

    Mad Woman’s last blog post..Free For All Friday…..on Sunday

  22. Sorry to hear about the RA, that blows goats.

    Did you ever go to Taco Cabana when some of the locations were called Two Pesos? The burritos were better then because they had bacon grease in them! MMMMM BACON.

  23. I’m going to echo what someone else wrote—totally start getting insurance-funded massages every week! It is a medical necessity!

    The other saying you made me think of is “Laughter is the Best Medicine”. Unfortunately, you are making me laugh and not vice versa, so it’s almost like you are giving away free medicine.

    Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..One down, part deux

  24. I’m way too fucking distracted by the continued incorrect use of “was” as a conditional in the graffiti. I might listen to someone who asked me to live each day as if it WERE my last, but maybe not because then I’d be all bummed out every day, like “OH SHIT I’M GOING TO DIE TOMORROW” and that would suck.

    P.S: I’m diabetic and they keep telling me “no loss of feeling in my feet yet” and “no loss of vision yet” so if worse comes to worst we can hang out together and get all entwined as we stumble over sharp shit I didn’t see or feel and your skeleton’s sharp corners hook into my pockets and shit and people will say, “What the fuck is that thing?”

    P.P.S: My latest post is about goats.

    Johnny B. Truant’s last blog post..This goat is your goat, this goat is my goat

  25. Why is it that people who are genius in their craft always end up having it yanked away in some cruel fashion? TheBloggess has RA .. so her writing life and thus OUR lives hang in the balance. This reminds me of poor little TinkTink .. you know .. the track super star who lost his legs so they made him artificial legs that looked like bent back paperclips. Katt Williams is genius just.like.jenny.

    Madness’s last blog post..because the love overwhelmed me

  26. I think the “no obvious deformities yet” is your cue to start thinking up a new handle. You could grow a set of tentacles and then you’d be Jenny Squid-U-Like and sucker the bad guys into submission. What? Oh, it’s time for my meds.

  27. I hate that saying because if I lived every day like it was my last, I would be fat and out of money because all I would eat would be cheese fries, hamburgers and milkshakes and I would spend all my money on shoes.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..An Apple a Year…

  28. It has been my experience that Sharpies are like little portable temporary tattoo guns and something that should never be carried with you after 10 beers, because everyone I know becomes ‘the chick who passed out at my 11th birthday sleepover party’. If they’ll let me get that close.

  29. I’m glad you clarified for me what that saying means. I thought it meant live everyday like your last day, and yesterday sucked!

    I couldn’t figure out why people emerged from bathroom stalls so haughty and full of themselves after reading stuff like that.

    If I lived every day like it was my last I’d be balling and giving all my shit away. What kind of life is that?

  30. You should carry a sharpie at all times because public bathrooms really need better advice. The best life advice graffiti I’ve ever seen was on the walls of the bathroom in the unemployment office.

    Tracy’s last blog post..I see you

  31. AND…plan as if you’re going to live for ever.
    (My grandmother’s philosophy – she also said that if she had a penny left when she died she’d have miscalculated)

  32. My office is downstairs from the Philosophy Department and part of Christian Origin Studies. The graffiti up there are the absolute lamest I have ever seen in my life.

  33. The best graffito in my favorite stall in the ladies’ restroom at work: “I have a giant metaphorical cock… and its name is EXCALIBUR”

  34. I like that it’s no OBVIOUS deformities YET. The “obvious” and “yet” give you a lot to work with. Maybe you’ll turn into one of those crazy bitch Steven King story freaky writers who has a twisted arthritic fetus growing in her brain that used to be a twin but you ate it in utero or something and now it gives you secret evil dark powers of blogging… and also arthritis. Or maybe you’ll just grow an obvious hump in thirty years.

    Amy Rossi’s last blog post..Two Skilled Adults

  35. 69 comments!
    Ha. 🙂

    I have to say thank you. Life is so damned stressful and in some strange way you are a light that brightens my day.

    Now that’s fucked up.

  36. Nicole Blackman, poet and performance artist, wrote that line. She wrote all the lyrics and did vocals on all eleven songs on the Golden Palominos “Dead Inside”. The song “Ride” is a poem that contains that quote.

  37. I, too, was diagnosed with RA. Found out this week the doctor was a dumbass – I don’t have RA I have lung cancer. Doctors suck much ass!

  38. The good news is that you have several years to go before you completely morph into Shrek – and then you’ve got a side business where you can entertain at birthday parties.

    See? Just trying to help you think outside the box.

    Gretchen’s last blog post..Intervention

  39. Jen,
    When you call these assholesfriends, and tell them what you think, and then later they call you and tell you what they think and then you call them back to tell them that what they think sucks monkey dick and you think that they eat shit because you are what you eat and then they tell you that if they want to see what a steaming pile of pus looks like they look at a picture of you and then you tell them that you are going to puke because their smell is coming through the phone and you hang up but feel somehow incomplete, as though you purchased a pet at the store but discovered when you got home it didn’t have all four of its legs, wouldn’t it be better just to tell them that you hate them?

    This is so simple and heartfelt, and disallows having to go through all those nasty exchanges of reasoned discourse.

    Just trying to be helpful….

  40. sorry to hear about your RA. my boyfriend has fibromyalgia. wtf? why are we getting these diseases in our 30s? ridiculous. has to be something in the water. or their lacing our crack with old people diseases.

    ms. changes pants while driving’s last blog post..She

  41. You know, I grew up in San Antonio so Taco Cabana was pretty much our high school hangout. Especially the original, where they NEVER asked for ID. But you wouldn’t want to go in that bathroom! Scary!

    But now when I go back to visit family the “new” Taco Cabana just isn’t the same. It’s like a piece of my childhood has been forcibly ripped from me. I hadn’t thought of that in a while. Now I’m sad. I blame you, Jenny. You owe me a picture of boobies.

  42. Bathroom wall verbiage is always amusing.

    In college someone wrote, “Cody has a big dick” on a bathroom stall.

    I wrote back, “Too bad he doesn’t know what to do with it.” (Good looking guy but dumber than dog shit.)

    A few days later this appeared under my comment: “YES HE DOES!” (This presumably from his even dumber girlfriend, that he cheated on all the time of course.)

    Stacy Quarty’s last blog post..The Recognition Dinner

  43. First of all, if it was your last day on earth, would you really be in a bathroom stall in Taco Cabana? I mean, their quesadillas are awesome, but not “last meal” awesome. Second, I need you to come clean my house before you’re too deformed to do so. That’s what Jesus would want you to do.

  44. “No obvious deformities yet”. Hmm, does that mean there is still time for you to pick out your favorite deformities?

  45. The other night I was in the bathroom of a really seedy bar. I was taking a leak, looked up, and noticed that someone had drawn a picture of a naked woman on the ceiling. She had no arms, legs or head.

    I know it was a woman because she had boobies and a vagina (it was very hairy).

    The artist totally used a sharpie, but I have no idea how he (or she) got up there.

    It was very Michelangelo… but with a hairy vagina.

    Six’s last blog post..Aliens kidnapped my baby and replaced him with a broken one!

  46. I cut and pasted live every day like it was your last and got zippo. Dogpile (wanna start something?) told me ‘the form contained illegal charaters’. WTF? Apparently the alphabet is unfamiliar to dogpile, which I guess makes sens since dogs don’t use the alphabet. It’s too nad I can’t get butt smell in the search engine. Dogpile’d probably go nuts over that and I’d have hits up the wazoo.

    Am I rambling? Who cares? This is comment ninety-five. People read at most the first ten or fifteen and then post their own comment prefaced with ‘if this was covered in one of the posts I was too lazy to read I could give fuck all’…

  47. Please correct my typo when you moderate. nad should be bad. Huh. I just read that out loud. Being gayer than gay, I have to say I don’t actually agree with that accidentally sentiment.

    BTW, it was a rough ass day at work and the roommates’ sugar hyped and ADD afflicted niece and nephew kept me awake with the noise last night. I’m barely aware I am writing much less able to control what comes out.

    Flapjacks…

    Steeeeeeeeve (see below for comment 95 theory)’s last blog post..Management Manual

  48. Too bad I learned about not taking bathroom stall advice the hard way.

    Ahem.

    I’m sorry about the RA, but I would totally celebrate not being deformed. I mean, have you been to a Wal-Mart?

    Jerseygirl89’s last blog post..Search Term Fun

  49. I love to read what written in stalls. Some good reading there sometimes. And TC’s?!?! I love TC’s! I only get to eat it though when I visit my family in TX. TN just doesn’t know what it’s missing w/o a TC’s here!

  50. If I were Jesus, I would make all the cripples buttery nipples (haha, I’m a poet and I didn’t even…eh, fuck it) and this other awesome shot called a girl scout cookie. It’s basically a liquid thin mint and it’s UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE.

    Also if I were Jesus, I would pass a law in congress saying that everyone should leave nasty messages for their enemies. Because really, the world is kind of boring as HELL when everyone tries to be nice all the time. I’m all about horrific bitchiness and low expectations. That way people won’t be too shocked when I call 14 year olds out on their muffin tops in the mall. 🙂

    Samantha’s last blog post..The morning-ish after

  51. Dontcha just hate it when the bathroom graffiti artists are also illiterate? Never carry a Sharpie, keep people guessing, and as for your last day, I would never waste it talking to people I don’t like. Besides, I hate answering machines, people who use them, and listening to my own answering machine, which is stupid because it never knows the correct day or time when calls come in. Weird.

    The Medievalist’s last blog post..On time

  52. You say you want someone to actually build your scooter, but I wonder. I have been burned before. Tygorz(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oS-EXn5Fh70) (much better in HQ) also asked if anyone could build his “massive screaming flailing machine”, which is different in purpose but fundamentally similar in awesomeness. But when I tried to contact him to discuss a concrete proposal, he never responded.

  53. I’m serious, by the way. I would be interested in building your scooter just for the hell of it.

  54. Did Sharkey write a poem or just a self-help book in miniature in the comments? Because that was seriously beautiful — for once, I’m not being sarcastic. I’m thinking about writing that down and using it as a mantra.

  55. Sorry to hear about the RA – but glad you aren’t suffering from any “obvious deformities” – though those that aren’t so obvious aren’t to pleasant, either.

    Oh, and feeling like taking a Sharpie to the nearest wall? Better hop to it, if you wait too long you might get a starring roll in the next “Blogger Chicks in Prison 4-Life!” film, courtesy of the Texas Lege. Or, maybe they’ll take my advice, instead.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..A Call For a Sensible Response in the War on Graffiti

  56. Unrelated, but best bathroom wall rebuttal…like…ever?

    Used a men’s bathroom stall once in Nashville.

    Scrawled was “I FUCKED YOUR MOM.”

    Someone who had that Sharpie -in-the-pocket AND was quick-thinking wrote:

    “Go home, Dad. You’re drunk.”

  57. Your post alerted me to the fact I often leave the house without a Sharpie. I must immediately correct this slight. Sister I feel your RA pain…let me know when you are ready for a wheelchair race. I’ll totally spank you…in the race thing…not actually spank you. Sorry but you aren’t on my spanking list.

    Jenni’s last blog post..I Feel Like Crap…how are you today?

  58. I just stole a sharpie from work and put it in my purse. I hope & pray to the sick Gods that put me here that I get fired.

  59. What if your last day is supposed to be getting hit by a Mac truck or lightning or something? I don’t want to live each day like that! It could be painful or something. Why would I want to do that for the rest of my life?
    that sucks!

  60. No, I really can see the point of this. Why go around being dishonest to all the whorebags of the world?

    One day we’re going to be struck dead and not get the chance. So let’s do it now, before it’s too late.

    Since today is probably not our last, I propose the following: Each day should be ‘Tell Off One Whorebag Day.’ Because another problem is that–what if it was the last day we had? We might not even have time! So I suggest that we space the whole thing out, gradually so that by the time we do die, we’re all caught up.

    ozma’s last blog post..Noooooooooooo………

  61. Definite frontsies at the liquor store. I’m pretty sure your doctor can write you a prescription for that. I would also inquire now about hiring a hot manservant, you know, to help you into the store and basically do your bidding. Victor would be cool with that, right?

    jenn’s last blog post..Gearing Up For Bathing Suit Season

  62. What sort of Obvious Deformities are we talking here. Are they totally awesome ones like a third boob or giant labia? Perhaps this could be a good thing…maybe…one can hope…ok, I’m sorry…you are screwed.

    Best thing I ever read on a bathroom stall:

    “Jesus saves our souls and redeems them for valuable cash and prizes”

  63. It’s my last day and I am fucking around at work on the internet.
    I am so disgusted…Goodbye everyone….

  64. Holy crap, that was an awesome post. And the comment of the day was even better. lol

    Now I’m going to go write freaky lines in public bathrooms to mess with people…like “I’m watching you” or “Don’t sit there…trust me.”

    Rhea’s last blog post..Snapshots

  65. My 16 year old daughter and I read your blog and she totally loves the comments about lack of health, drugs, doctors, etc. She has Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Type III and she’ll be doing wheel-chair races with you IF SHE DOESN’T START TREATING HER BODY NICELY (Mom voice).

  66. I was bored so I thought I’d stop in and see how you’re doing. However, I wasn’t quite bored enough to read the prior 126 comments, so pardon me if someone beat me to this brilliant observation:

    If I was to live my day as if it was my last I sure the hell wouldn’t be sitting in the shitter of the Taco Cabana.

    DD’s last blog post..GOTH BABY

  67. When I was in high school, I wrote a big dirty note about a girl I disliked on the boy’s bathroom wall. It took up the whole wall, which I’m guestimating was 10×12 at least. My letters were each 2 feet high. It was after school, so I had some time. The message said this, “*insert name* will suck the grime off of your toes for $5.” Followed by her phone number, of course. Really. I don’t know what the fuck was wrong with me.

    Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy’s last blog post..Dream Weaver

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