People who are making me mad:
1. People who have their twitter account marked private because they don’t want people to read it. YOU ARE ON THE INTERNET. Also, what you’re drinking at Starbucks is not national security. It makes me want to create a page for my cat and make it private because it’s that stupid. Also there are probably a lot of private account people yelling really good reasons why they are private but I can’t hear them so they don’t exist.
2. People who have their twitter account marked private because they don’t want people to read it. I know I just said that but it’s still pissing me off. Mostly because whenever I see a blocked person I assume they are talking bad about me. Screw you, assholes.
3. People who I’m really good friends with on twitter but they never post anything to let me know if they are a girl or a boy and their picture is of a dolphin or a rainbow and I want to talk about them to my husband and I’m all “Oh, one of my best friends on twitter is hilarious and you would love him or her” and then Victor’s all “You don’t know the sex of one of your best friends?” and I’m all ” Well…their picture is a dolphin” and he just shakes his head.
4. People who aren’t on twitter and think they’re better than me, because I was you a year ago and guess what? I had a lot more spare time then. But now I have 11,000 friends. And only half of them are robots. The other half are dolphins.
5. People who spell my name wrong on twitter. I get how you could accidentally spell it “theblogess” or even “thebloggress” but last week someone was all “You know I love? @MCHammer”. You could not have spelled my name worse if you tried.
6. Celebrities. Just shut up.
7. People who ask questions that no one cares the answer to. Like, bad question: “Hey everybody! What’s your favorite color?” Good question: “How many lemurs could you fight off if the lemurs were really mad and you were wearing a suit made out of meat?”
8. People who answer that question “I <3 lemurs!!! They R QT’s!!!” Just stop it. You don’t get to use twitter anymore.
9. People who answer that question “Well, lemurs don’t eat meat so maybe think before you post stupid questions, dumbass” because I was actually referring to a suit made of lemur meat. Made from the lemur’s mothers. So yeah, they’d be pretty pissed, asshole.
9. That girl who writes vague insults about someone who follows her and we all know who she’s talking about and we want to tell her to stop but we feel sorry for her because she must have a really low self-esteem to passive-aggressively fuck with people like that but then we feel like we should stop her from bullying but really why is it my job to regulate twitter and AAAAAH I’m having an existential morality crisis on twitter and this is your fault, bitch, so just quit it.
10. People who create twitter accounts to hate on obnoxious people and then become exactly like the obnoxious people they hated.
11. That one girl. You know exactly who I’m talking about.
12. The people who ask you to retweet a coupon for 10 cents off some shitty cereal and if you do it they promise to send you a coupon for 50 cents off some shitty cereal.
14. The two hundred people who sent me tweets about a coupon for 10 cents off shitty cereal just so they could get a coupon for 50 cents off shitty cereal.
15. Robots.
16. People who ask me to follow them over and over except I’m already following them but I can’t DM them that because they aren’t following me.
17. People whose avatars unintentionally look like genitals and every time they respond to me I’m all “Is that a vagina?” and no, it’s two penguins kissing.
18. People who get mad about twitter.
19. Yes, I see the irony.
20. People on twitter who are actually cats. Or cats on twitter who are actually people. Either way I feel betrayed.
21. People who get mad at me when I ask how they’re doing and they’re all “Didn’t you read my twitter?” and I’m all “I follow like 5,000 people, dude. It’s anarchy in there. I can’t be expected to keep up with each trivial piece of minutia of your life” and later then I look at their twitter stream and turns out their wife died last month. Fucking DM me when that shit happens, dude.
22. People who ask famous people questions and expect to get answers. “Hey, @Oprah, do you like cheesecake?” SHE’S NOT GOING TO ANSWER YOU. Also, I preemptively blocked Oprah the day she joined. That’s what I think of Oprah.
23. Practically everyone who has an auto-response set up to welcome followers. I don’t need you to tell me I’m following you. I just followed you. Also, you only have 16 followers. Just how busy are you? The only exception to this is if you give me a reason to read your auto-response. Like “Thanks for following! Did you know sugar gliders have forked penises?” Because no, actually, I didn’t. Thank you.
24. People under age 16 on twitter. No. Just look what you did to Myspace.
25. I don’t really have a 25 but it seemed like a better number to end on and I was trying to think of another type of person I hate on twitter but then I was all “Okay, actually having to wrack your brain to think of people you hate seems really unhealthy” so I’m going to go take some xanax now because I think maybe I’m the one with the problem. But seriously, everyone listed in #1-24 please change entirely before I get back online or I will send you a pipe bomb will stab you in your nose will grind my teeth at you probably won’t notice at all.
Comment of the day: Actually koalas have forked penises too, the term used is bifurcated tips. And the female koala has two lateral vaginas. No I’m not making this up, it’s one of the many reasons koalas are my favorite animal. That and that they are super vicious when disturbed from sleep and I had a friend in high school from Sydney and he used to tell me koalas would attack his cat so whenever he saw them he tried to hit them with his truck. ~ Michael Tischer