25 things about twitter that are pissing me off

People who are making me mad:

1.  People who have their twitter account marked private because they don’t want people to read it.   YOU ARE ON THE INTERNET.  Also, what you’re drinking at Starbucks is not national security.  It makes me want to create a page for my cat and make it private because it’s that stupid.  Also there are probably a lot of private account people yelling really good reasons why they are private but I can’t hear them so they don’t exist.

2.  People who have their twitter account marked private because they don’t want people to read it.  I know I just said that but it’s still pissing me off.  Mostly because whenever I see a blocked person I assume they are talking bad about me.  Screw you, assholes.

3.  People who I’m really good friends with on twitter but they never post anything to let me know if they are a girl or a boy and their picture is of a dolphin or a rainbow and I want to talk about them to my husband and I’m all “Oh, one of my best friends on twitter is hilarious and you would love him or her” and then Victor’s all “You don’t know the sex of one of your best friends?” and I’m all ” Well…their picture is a dolphin” and he just shakes his head.

4.  People who aren’t on twitter and think they’re better than me, because I was you a year ago and guess what?  I had a lot more spare time then.  But now I have 11,000 friends.  And only half of them are robots.  The other half are dolphins.

5.  People who spell my name wrong on twitter.   I get how you could accidentally spell it “theblogess” or even “thebloggress” but last week someone was all “You know I love?  @MCHammer”.  You could not have spelled my name worse if you tried.

6.  Celebrities.  Just shut up.

7.  People who ask questions that no one cares the answer to.  Like, bad question:  “Hey everybody!  What’s your favorite color?”  Good question: “How many lemurs could you fight off if the lemurs were really mad and you were wearing a suit made out of meat?”

8.  People who answer that question “I <3 lemurs!!!  They R QT’s!!!”  Just stop it.  You don’t get to use twitter anymore.

9.  People who answer that question “Well, lemurs don’t eat meat so maybe think before you post stupid questions, dumbass” because I was actually referring to a suit made of lemur meat. Made from the lemur’s mothers.  So yeah, they’d be pretty pissed, asshole.

9.  That girl who writes vague insults about someone who follows her and we all know who she’s talking about and we want to tell her to stop but we feel sorry for her because she must have a really low self-esteem to passive-aggressively fuck with people like that but then we feel like we should stop her from bullying but really why is it my job to regulate twitter and AAAAAH I’m having an existential morality crisis on twitter and this is your fault, bitch, so just quit it.

10.  People who create twitter accounts to hate on obnoxious people and then become exactly like the obnoxious people they hated.

11.  That one girl.  You know exactly who I’m talking about.

12.  The people who ask you to retweet a coupon for 10 cents off some shitty cereal and if you do it they promise to send you a coupon for 50 cents off some shitty cereal.

14.  The two hundred people who sent me tweets about a coupon for 10 cents off shitty cereal just so they could get a coupon for 50 cents off shitty cereal.

15.  Robots.

16.  People who ask me to follow them over and over except I’m already following them but I can’t DM them that because they aren’t following me.

17.  People whose avatars unintentionally look like genitals and every time they respond to me I’m all “Is that a vagina?” and no, it’s two penguins kissing.

18.  People who get mad about twitter.

19.  Yes, I see the irony.

20.  People on twitter who are actually cats.  Or cats on twitter who are actually people.  Either way I feel betrayed.

21.  People who get mad at me when I ask how they’re doing and they’re all “Didn’t you read my twitter?” and I’m all “I follow like 5,000 people, dude.  It’s anarchy in there.  I can’t be expected to keep up with each trivial piece of minutia of your life” and later then I look at their twitter stream and turns out their wife died last month.  Fucking DM me when that shit happens, dude.

22.  People who ask famous people questions and expect to get answers.  “Hey, @Oprah, do you like cheesecake?” SHE’S NOT GOING TO ANSWER YOU.  Also, I preemptively blocked Oprah the day she joined.  That’s what I think of Oprah.

23.  Practically everyone who has an auto-response set up to welcome followers.  I don’t need you to tell me I’m following you.  I just followed you.  Also, you only have 16 followers.  Just how busy are you?  The only exception to this is if you give me a reason to read your auto-response.  Like “Thanks for following!  Did you know sugar gliders have forked penises?”  Because no, actually, I didn’t.  Thank you.

24.  People under age 16 on twitter.  No. Just look what you did to Myspace.

25.  I don’t really have a 25 but it seemed like a better number to end on and I was trying to think of another type of person I hate on twitter but then I was all “Okay, actually having to wrack your brain to think of people you hate seems really unhealthy” so I’m going to go take some xanax now because I think maybe I’m the one with the problem.  But seriously, everyone listed in #1-24 please change entirely before I get back online or I will send you a pipe bomb will stab you in your nose will grind my teeth at you probably won’t notice at all.

Comment of the day: Actually koalas have forked penises too, the term used is bifurcated tips. And the female koala has two lateral vaginas. No I’m not making this up, it’s one of the many reasons koalas are my favorite animal. That and that they are super vicious when disturbed from sleep and I had a friend in high school from Sydney and he used to tell me koalas would attack his cat so whenever he saw them he tried to hit them with his truck. ~ Michael Tischer

210 thoughts on “25 things about twitter that are pissing me off

Read comments below or add one.

  1. 25. People who have twitter parties but then don’t invite you and if you say something about it later they’re all like “Dude, everyone’s invited because it’s duh a party on Twitter,” but you spent the whole night seeing the same damn hashtag over and over again while you sat home and cried and watched Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands.

    Avitable’s last blog post..Today is like Jesus’s birthday but more important, see?

  2. HAHA I agree with SO many of those. I would add hearing people on TV and news and anythings else piping in at the end of their show “And follow me on Twitter”.

    Karen’s last blog post..Facts about me

  3. Vis-a-vis #4 – the only upside is that when one of those people (say your self-righteous husband) acts like a complete and total asshole or tells you like, 6 times, that there’s a spill on the living room and could you please clean it up because apparently he doesn’t have hands/time/know where the fucking Fantastick is – you can shout it out to the Twitterverse and he’ll never fucking know. Who’s better than who?? Exactly.

    rougeneck’s last blog post..Irish Whiskey for Jews

  4. Dude … there’s TWITTER PARTIES?
    Sitting at home alone on a Friday night … just because other people are doing the same thing, and calling it a party, doesn’t mean you actually went to a party … am I wrong? Twitter’s annoying!

    Miss Rosa’s last blog post..By Tomorrow, I’ll Be On the Lam

  5. People should learn that nothing is secure on the internet and marking your feed private only means they are insecure. But want to hang with the cool kids, so fuck them.

    One Love.

    Eddie – Robot who is hung like a dolphin.

    Eddie’s last blog post..Yeah, I’m Famous

  6. I switched to protected only to stave off the bots who respond to every word I type. It’s annoying. I am not depriving anyone of anything fun and interesting.

  7. /hangs head in shame.

    I am guilty of all of the except 12,14,15,16,20, and 22

    so at least I score like 74% which is passing and then again some of your points were just stupid and can’t be pass fail. So I probably score a B.

    And well SOME OF US HAVE STALKED EXes and have to keep our tweets private lest they know I wish I had a cupcake or that basically I am having a nervous breakdown. So Don’t shout at me little Miss Bloggess!

    /please don’t block me

    and um another thing I hate is that when I follow someone and they want to view my protected tweets and mine are all like “i suck as a person and I hate me (AND DOLPHINS BTW) and then I have to let them in and they are all like this chick is psycho and shit.

    I mean duh.

    So I realize you are all rich and powerful and the great Bloggess and shit but fuck, just follow me. And quit yer bitchin’. It will do wonders for your self esteem.

  8. Vis-a-vis #4…say one of THOSE people (like your self-righteous husband) acts like a complete and utter asshole or tells you like, 6 times, that there’s a spill on the living room floor and could you please clean it up because he apparently doesn’t have hands/time/know where the fucking Fantastick is – you can shout it out to the Twitterverse and they’ll never fucking know. Who’s better than who asshole? Exactly.

    rougeneck’s last blog post..Irish Whiskey for Jews

  9. Life coaches (lifes coach?) who post sweet Mary sunshine crap all the damn live long day. “What kind of day are YOU going to make today?? Get out there and be ur best U!!”

    All socialmediaentrepreneurlifecoachexectivecheerleaders should be forced to wear lemur meat suits in a cage full of wolverines. UR ATTITUDE TELLS PEOPLE WHO U R! :D!!

    Kathleen’s last blog post..kaffeineme: Also, I’m venturing into the world of skorts. At least until I shrink the world that is my ass. http://dwarfurl.com/7b95e

  10. OMGOSH! All the people who have commented on this blog are awesome! I fit in here, excellently! This blog post rocked my face off….well, not “actually” off….but ya know.

    Oh man, Avitable! You’re rediculous! You were SO invited to that twitter party!

    I’m so glad someone loves Wolverines…and I don’t mean Hugh Jackman, I mean real wolverines….I bet you really do love those bastards. You’re that type, I can tell.

    Jones’s last blog post..Meet Robert…

  11. I’ve been wondering about #1 for ages. I mean, why? It’s like saying “You must link to my site from yours before I’ll let you look at my site.”

    RE: #3 — maybe they really are a dolphin (it’s really hard to tell he-dolphins from she-dolphins unless you’re a dolphinologist so you’d still have a problem talking about them to your husband…)

    RE: #20 — Um, my Facebook profile used to have my cat’s picture on it. Until I started getting friend requests from cats. That seemed really weird to me. So I don’t do it on Twitter.

    RE: #22 — Some famous people *do* answer, which is why people think Oprah will (and she won’t, because she sulking because someone preemptively blocked her on her first day). Famous people, stop mingling with the peons — you’re raising expectations.

    Louise’s last blog post..Vacations aren’t all they’re cracked up to be

  12. “what you’re drinking at Starbucks is not national security”

    that shows what you know, i just had a plutonium mochalatte (half-caf), just a short though, plutonium goes right to my hips

    furiousBall’s last blog post..girls actually do poop?

  13. i don’t even know where to start with which one i agree most with because…well…all of them.
    yeah. all of them.
    robots. suck.
    dolphin avatars r QT…ok, kidding.
    i hate twitter. but i love twitter. but…i hate twitter. but really, i love twitter. i’m so confused…

    melissa’s last blog post..HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY

  14. That lemur question IS a really good question. Maybe on your next trip to the zoo, you can wear a meat suit and visit the lemurs and we’ll all know the answer once and for all. Plus, the meat suit would probably be a turn off for your giraffe boyfriend so it would be win win for you.

    Vikki’s last blog post..A Phone Call

  15. I don’t think I’ve ever been on here when u had only 20 something comments. I’m early! You just make me laugh!

  16. my vagina clenched a little when i was alerted that you follow me.

    plus now i’m going to have to take an ativan ’cause i think i may be #11.

    but i don’t fucking care.

    andy

    p.s. is xanax better than ativan? for instance, would you be all “omfg i just dropped my pill down the cats throat we have to suck it out with a bendy straw or cut open his stomach?!!” more if it was xanax, or if it was ativan?

    p.p.s. hypothetically.

    Andy’s last blog post..alternate six words? fuck you and your two cents.

  17. I think you have two #9s? So your #25 doesn’t have to be so unhealthy?

  18. Word.

    I have a number 25 for you, though I think it’s Twitter’s fault:

    When you get a notification that someone’s following you, you click on the link, and their updates are protected. You have to send a request to them to have them follow you.

    WTF?

    I’ve never sent the request, but I’m guessing that you then send it, and then they request you back, but they’re locked! So you have to send another request and HOLY HELL I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

    Angella’s last blog post..On Mother’s Day

  19. Oh crap…I could be #20 either way…please don’t be mad at me…it’s just a stupid derby persona that I can’t give up.

  20. #25 Twitter Hookers. I don’t really care about Brittney1975 or Courtney1986 that are already suspended by the time I try to see who the hell they are.

    #26 People who follow you, then dump you once you follow them. F*ers.

    Dijea’s last blog post..I’m hoping hives aren’t contagious

  21. I have a follower I’m following that I’d really like to stop following because most of his stupid tweets consist of “#’s”, “@’s” and “RT’s”. SAY SOMETHING INTERESTING for Tweet’s sake!! His blog is the same way, just useless info about stuff I don’t care about filled with links to other stuff I don’t care about.

    And for those w/o ANY imagination, just because it says “What are you doing?” doesn’t mean you have to tell me what it is you’re doing every second of the day. Say something clever about what you saw while your were doing something instead of just telling me what you’re doing. For example:

    Stupid: I’m totes at the mall shopping. Yay handbags!

    Awesome: Shopping for handbags (Yay handbags!) and just saw a lesbian buying a Hello Kitty chain wallet. Does that make her butch, or even more gay?

  22. Oh noz…..I’ve got #26, or #27, or whatever number we’re on now, and that’s people who tweet NOTHING BUT THEIR BLOG POSTS. Especially when they do it in ALL CAPS, especially when they do it 25 fucking times a day. It makes me want to never ever read your blog, fucktards, and I take perverse pleasure in dumping you like the whores you are.

    ::::I feel better. Thank you, Bloggess, for once again offering unintentional therapy.:::

    Jane’s last blog post..The Elephant Woman

  23. #26: Mandatory Twitter Day at work, and having everyone find out you’re the only person who doesn’t care about your job enough to tweet the company blog every time there’s a new post, and everyone’s all, “did you just not know how?” And I was like, “no, I know how.” And then someone looks up all your old tweets and finds out you write about cats fornicating on your deck or all those times you got drunk and thought shit was funny and wanted to share. Fuck Twitter. Facebook is where it’s at.

    emvandee’s last blog post..Bump Watch! Or, My Food Baby Abortion. Or, How to Lose Friends and Alienate Anyone who’s ever Given Birth.

  24. did you notice that you included two # 9s ?? so technically you didn’t need to do a #25 …
    and just for the providing of that information … i would beg you to follow me on twitter … but then again … i don’t have anything worth twittering anyways.
    and i’m a girl. i think my picture pretty clearly denotes that … which sounds like it would be a picture of a vagina … but i promise … it’s not.
    and i’m not THAT girl. oh you know … #11. i think.

    jen’s last blog post..constructive feedback friday – i {heart} faces …

  25. Wow. I encounter any of these things so rarely that they don’t bother me. People do these things? And you choose to follow them?

  26. I hate when people unfollow anyone who isn’t following them back. And I’m starting to hate blip.fm tweets (or whatever the hell that music thing is).

    Btw, are you following me? Cause I’m following you but I might quit without a follow back. (totally not true)

    amy @ milk breath and margaritas’s last blog post..I Keep Rocking

  27. #29 (If that is what we are on) People who tweet about “HOW EXCITED” they are about a product 500 times. We get it you love it- how much do you get paid to tweet that?

    Susan’s last blog post..One Word Saturday

  28. Kangaroos also have forked penises, by the way. Which is because lady kangaroos have two vaginas. Oh, did I just BLOW YOUR MIND?

    jfruh’s last blog post..Meddle ambush!

  29. I HATE the fm music tweet things. Argh! And that person who posts an entire song, in 140 characters at a time? So that your entire front page is taken up with nonsense that you don’t care about? I want to stab you.

    Also quitter. Because I love my unfollow button, but then I get all angsty that the person I unfollowed has quitter and will realise I unfollowed them and then will bag me out on twitter, but I won’t know because I’m not following them. That’s a vicious one.

    Veronica’s last blog post..Pig Farming in Tasmania

  30. #26 people whining about being hassled by bots – bots don’t hassle people – unless you ReFollow them, you can’t see them. *shock, horror* yes, don’t refollow EVERYONE! Look at their tweets – are they all ‘make $$ ask me how?” then don’t freaking follow. I have hundreds of bots following me, i don’t see them. Anyone who hassles me gets blocked- i’ve only had to do a couple. Oh, and Oprah – but that was because Jenny said she was going to and i thought, yes, what a good idea.

    #27 people whining about people in their stream being boring. Hey people – if someone’s boring you or just isn’t really your type – unfollow them – you’ll see if they speak directly at you.

    #1 revisited – Marking your feed private doesn’t stop web marketers trying to add you, it does stop ordinary people from doing so. If your feed is private, i won’t refollow you, thanks to a number of MLM people who try to trick others into refollowing by having private streams.

    Sheila’s last blog post..have you heard about the word?

  31. So I was reading this post. And I’m not a twitter-er. I’ve never twat. I’ve never even been to twitter.com or whatever it must be. So I’m kinda bored reading this post… and I get to 23 and it stirkes me that a really funny post was that movie about bears having ear sex. But the thing is, I read faster than I think, so the thought didn’t actually fully formulate til I finished reading 24. I basically just read about people under 16 and thought of bears having ear sex. Thanks.

  32. See this! This is exactly what I’m talking about! Why would you retweet this?!? Does he even know those people??? And who the crap hashes for “undergrad?!?”

    “RT @akruso: Congrats to all those graduating today! @akruso @bhamm @projectchandler & @mellenj @heissb #bgsu #undergrad #gradschool”

    WazNeeni’s last blog post..My Wife Thinks I’m Gay

  33. DUDE.
    #9- you know, the second one…
    I totally have one of those.
    And even though I’m not following her, I know she’s TOTALLY talking about me in her passive agressive way.
    That whore.

    I mean, that #11.

  34. Just so you know, I’m a guy. I mean, y’know, it should be pretty obvious from the picture but, hey, if a person can use a dolphin for their picture then, for all you know, I’m a dolphin using some guy for a picture. I’m not, though. I’m not even sure how that would work, typing with my nose or something. But, yeah, I’m really that guy in the picture. I mean, who’d lie about that, really? If I were a dolphin, I’d use a picture of, like, Colin Firth or something, right? Or Elvis. I bet dolphins like Elvis.

    Also, you’ve got two #9s.

    Steve’s last blog post..Relativism

  35. IDK if any of those numbers are me, but heck…if they were, I’d just brag about it…on my Twitter. LOL
    Geez, Twitter sounds such like something done in a porn movie or something to me at the moment (not that I know what’s in “those” movies, of course –shows innocent halo on head–). 😛

  36. About the unlucky number… I won’t even utter the word. The other day I verbally accosted a cashier for almost swiping my debit card for a total of $6.66. She didn’t even ask me if I wanted to buy something else to change the total to something other than the number of the beast. When did customer service take such a nosedive? Thankfully, I caught her in time to add another item – I bought a gigantic Snickers bar, which I ravenously ate before you could say, “Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness and Ruler of Demons.” Is my superstition retarded?

    Although I have been told time and time again that I will be driving the proverbial bus to hell (for my regular practice of gluttony – see Snickers bar story – sloth, wrath, envy and my liberal use of the words fuck and retard), is a little consideration about my salvation to much to ask? That cashier doesn’t know me. I could be a good Evangelical Christian for fuck sake!

  37. You are sucking the fun out of everything. I’m not allowed to passive-aggressively hate on someone I follow on Twitter? It’s like my life has no purpose anymore.

    (Also I didn’t know you could have a private Twitter account.)

  38. Pingback: No Show Mo
  39. Very funny :).

    You’ve almost made me want to sign up for a Twitter account. Not quite, but almost. I don’t think I’m better than you; I just don’t think I neeeeeed it.

  40. If I didn’t already love you, I’d love you now for #9, 10 and 11.

  41. I think it’s hilarious that you’re afraid of a number. Ferociously fearless Bloggess frightened by one and three. Now that is funny.

    Brenda’s last blog post..Poor Kitty

  42. Uhhhhhhhhh . . . . what’s . . . . Twitter?

    I assume it is a new candy bar, but nobody gets that pissed at a candy bar.

    Well, . . . some do.

    Does it have nuts? It sounds like it does. Nougat? Nougat’s fucking great.
    And different layers of different types of chocolate…? is the best!
    This Twitter —–how’s it taste ?

  43. **runs to check if she has an auto responder programmed because she doesn’t know because although she seems internet saavy she really doesn’t have a clue what she is doing and may actually be too dumb to be on the internet (or live for that matter)**

    melistress’s last blog post..Live Long and Prosper

  44. oh, and to karayigitkizi re: $6.66…

    in my many years of retail, i’ve asked countless number of people if they wanted to purchase another item when their total was $6.66. every one of them did.

    you are not alone.

    erin’s last blog post..you may now call me “swim mom”

  45. RE 21: Don’t expect someone to DM a user with 5,000 followers about such a thing. Why would you be pissed at someone about this? Back when I followed more than 6,000, I couldn’t keep up with everyone and I blamed myself for not knowing the in’s and out’s of everyone’s lives.

    It’s our fault for not knowing what’s going on. They spoke to a public forum (#1)…

    Sol Young’s last blog post..Seeded 2025 for Broad Street 10-miler, Sunday May 3rd

  46. I can’t stand people who keep saying “I don’t get Twitter” and “what’s the point?” Shut the fuck up already. I don’t get gravity, but I’m not going on and on about it.

    Marinka’s last blog post..Happy Mother’s Day

  47. Wow, that’s just brilliant!

    #26 People who are so superstitous that they write #9 twice to compensate for not putting #13 in the list.

  48. #26: People who sit on their couch and tweet every 3 freaking seconds about the episode of American Idol that they’re watching. Guess what. If I gave a flying fuck about what Simon is saying to a talentless loser this week, I’d watch the show. But seeing as I don’t, what in god’s name makes you think that I want to hear about it from you? Seriously, that’s the fastest way to get un-followed by me.

    MonsteRawr’s last blog post..I tried to think of a witty title but all I could think of was Donkey from Shrek singing “On the Road Again” so…there you go.

  49. Eddie wins this comment fracas, IMHO.

    Three things:
    one) I wonder how many broads you just panicked into wondering if they are that one girl.
    two) I wanted to symbolically burn Twitter when Oprah joined, but then I recalled there is that parole restriction involving fire (and I cannot afford a new monitor, it seems)
    three) ….and I follow Shaquille O’Neal; I don’t care what you say, that fucker’s hilarious.

    I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m pretty sure I hate Twitter altogether, but I keep going back and back to it again: It is my bad boyfriend.

  50. so, if I think that I might be ‘that one girl’ does that mean I’m not? Because she would not even know people were talking about her? Just wondering.

    And I totally never even thought to write to anyone to ask them to follow me. Maybe I should.

    and uh, I have no picture on Twitter, because every time I try to upload a picture it gets rejected.

  51. i am now following you on twitter because of this post. i have a rhino graphic as my picture and am suddenly inspired to change it to a real picture of me (since i am not actually a rhino).

    look at you! inspiring change! you should be a life coach!!!

    #26 my personal favorite: people who send out individual tweets (about 100 or so in succession) that say informative things like “@dumbass thanks so much! you rock!” and “@whatsherface Awesome! you too!”

    kate’s last blog post..be nice – be clever!

  52. #26 People whose account consists only of random RTs… like the girl who follows me and RTs everytime I use the words “shut up”. And the other one who does the same whenever I mention coffee. I talk about coffee and shutting up a lot, but really. it does not merit a RT. Actually, nothing ever merits a RT.

    Operation Pink Herring’s last blog post..Hello, Goodbye

  53. Just so you know, I stole the lemur question as my current status on facebook. I plan tos teal the follow up about lemur meat if I get any jackasses who think they know more about lemurs than I do…

    What exactly is a lemur anyway? I know it’s not a bird but that’s about it…

    Or a fish. I’m reasonably certain it’s not a fish either…

    Steve’s last blog post..Tinkerbell

  54. I tried going on Twitter for about three days and there were so many comments and follows and @’s and parties and strange unwritten Twitter laws flying around that I was completely intimidated and ran away. I completely admire anybody who is level-headed enough to deal with the anarchy of Twitter.

    Sarah’s last blog post..Photo

  55. Number 4 would be me. Sorry, it’s nothing personal, I just don’t think I could keep up with the addiction. Never having used Twitter, though, I could still somehow relate to this post. I hate all those bitches, too!

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Awkward moments, Vol. 1

  56. Okay, I’m dying to know, who’s # 11?? I follow you faithfully and would DM you but you don’t follow me cause I’m not famous or anything, just a foot soldier in the trudge of life (…???…).
    In all fairness, the 2 people with locks that I’ve tried to follow have let me right away–Nathan, drummer of Kings of Leon, and Eryka Badu, who is a hoot, although she can take up too much space….
    #26 – people who don’t know the difference between “its” and “it’s” (come on, people!) and either can’t spell or can’t type. Don’t be fooled by typos–they’re idiots! (I learned my lesson: my one half-assed attempt at internet dating, his poor typing turned out to be illiteracy; the poor guy talked about fried squirrel brain balls and kept backhanding my shoulder “you know what I mean?” till I thought I would knife him right there at the bar. Fortunately I had an escape plan. The clincher–he kept calling my cell but calling me “Caren,” my friend/secret chaperone’s name–and she’s never let me live it down. Beware!

  57. I’m not even on Twitter but I immediately decided that I was that girl. I’m that girl everywhere else, so I think I’ll join just to make it unanimous. It’ll flow. Flow!

  58. I started reading this last night and couldn’t make it through all the comments. JUST LIKE TWITTER.
    That’s my problem, I feel like I have to follow everyone that follows me, well, except for the REALLY weird ones…you know the ones. But then I get all overwhelmed that I’m going to miss something from the people I actually like (thebloggess). So I’m completely backlogged with motivational speakers, which just ends up pissing me off and I end up tweeting w/ the word ‘fucktastic’ to describe my day and guess how many followers I loose…yeah.

    amo’s last blog post..The post where I come clean – Mother’s Day SUCKS. Yes, I said it.

  59. i had a dream last night that i was dating willie nelson. it wasn’t funny. it was serious and heart-rending. sometimes he looked like paul newman (you know how dreams are). we held hands a lot and kissed. someone shot him and the rest of the dream and what seemed like the entire night, i sobbed and sobbed. i woke up crying. and it’s mother’s day. fuck that. i just loved him so much. i stumbled down the stairs, squinting through tears, confusing my kids, and irritating my husband by repeating, “why did he have to die?” and “if you could understand how much i loved him” over and over. made it to the computer and looked around on your blog and i feel much much better. i’ve stopped crying and laughed at the thought of forked penises. happy mothers day. i love you.

  60. Agreed. Agreed. Agreed. Minus that whole #20 thing. There are cats on twitter that raise money for charity and I think its pretty cool.

    Did i miss the whole twitter party thing? Not everyone wants to see you tweet out a hashtag 989 times in a row. How about this for a hashtag #thispartysucks or #gettingoneveryonesnervesontwitterrightnowwiththishashtage.

    Wait…you left out the ever annoying “Im on this awesome twitter list for being #56 for tweeting the most!!

    LOSER.

    Trisha

    trisha’s last blog post..CouponChief.com: Got Discount Codes?

  61. I do not twitter and have no desire to. But I am so glad that you blog and not just tweet. This post was hilarious! (and so were many of the comments) Thanks for making my day a little brighter.

  62. Just so you know, I am considering starting a Twitter account exclusively so that I can follow you. Also so I can snub Oprah. Do you think that between us, we can make her cry? Actually that’s kind of mean. I just read in the supermarket checkout line that she only has 3 years to live. I don’t know why – I could have finished the article but instead I had to pick out gum.

  63. I use to be jbridges08 until I read your blog. I changed it to Jenbridges08. You are right it is annoying not knowing if they are male or female.

  64. I was coming to report the two #9’s and tell you if you were going to do that you didn’t need the gratuitous #25 and then I saw someone else already brought it to your attention. At least use 9.1. so people can see you had it well thought out. Then I read your response to the comment about not using the unlucky number. Now I’m pretty sure you are either crazy or paranoid. I can’t decide whether to taunt you about being crazy or feed the paranoia. I’ll just ask… what if the real super-secret unlucky number is nine? You just used it two times.

  65. I hate companies that set up Twitter accounts for marketing / PR, but actually have no one to answer tweets when you really have a customer service question

  66. Who knew 140 characters or less could so severely piss off the Bloggess?

    But yeah, you are right about that girl.

  67. mine’s definitely private because it’s fairly easy to find on google and i’m looking for a job. a lot of other people i know with private accounts have jobs and google-able names. it’s quite logical to make the account private.

    #1 on my list is people who take twitter so seriously.

  68. That. Is. Awesome. Someone needed to say it, so I’m glad you took the initiative.

    And I had no idea that sugar gliders had forked penises. Makes me kinda glad I’m not a female sugar glider. Or maybe I should wish I was one. Gosh, now that’s all I’ll think about. Thanks.

    Karen’s last blog post..Here’s Hoping

  69. What about people who quote bible verses like:

    “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

    Because they think someone has wronged them and that being the one to quote scripture means Jesus is on their side.

    I bet Jesus rolls his eyes at those people.

    Erin’s last blog post..A Sweet Day

  70. Cats? Cats might not be so bad.

    Except the last CAT who was following me DE-followed me. Screw you, CAT.

    Now I’m following a BIRD. A damned bird. And it tweets 600 times per day, of which 2 are interesting. Which is extremely annoying.

    But I can’t DE-follow the BIRD because sometimes it says hi to me, so its typist must be fairly nice. So I feel guilty to DE-follow that stupid BIRD. But when I don’t reply to your twitters, it’s because I have to wade through 600 BIRD tweets to find you and I’m too tired to do that today.

    Wendy’s last blog post..It’s Not So Bad. In fact, It’s Great

  71. 26. Fucking spammers. Make one teen tiny comment about eczema and all of a sudden you are spammed 20 times by the same asshole using different accounts. Oh and god forbid you mention the word bra, hence 50 new porn sites follow you too.

    I may be that girl.

  72. what else pisses me off is people leaving anonymous comments – you know like typing a comment to a post and appearing like a lame insecure person who doesn’t want anyone to know who they are, because you didn’t put in their name, rank and serial number before pressing ‘submit’. Hence Miss Anonymous above. Yep, that be me 🙂

    I’m definitely that girl

    * TONYA *’s last blog post..A tutu monkey’s party

  73. You know what I fucking hate? When you write a post that is actually pretty even handed about Twitter celebrities and someone pretends they are a long-time reader and calls you a conceited bitch because you don’t follow back all the marketers who are following you AND because you think Ashton Kutcher is a douchebag just doing this for PR and tell you they are going to stop following you, but hello, I don’t fucking care cause you just called me a conceited bitch and DOUBLE HELLO, I did say Ashton was a smart douchebag for Christ’s sakes.

    Aimee Greeblemonkey’s last blog post..The Poe & Bo Show

  74. You are incredibly funny. I GOL thru most of this blog until I got to the Oprah crack. LOL LMAO! I keep reading it over so I can LOL again.
    Wait a minute, did I say “Oprah crack”? Sorry, that’s the only thing worse than Oprah.
    I want you in my email every day so I will know the world is not beyond salvaging.

  75. Yes I did notice the two #9s but then I saw the missing unlucky number, which has been named twice by other commenters so that cancels it out, right?

    Wait, why does spellcheck say commenters isn’t a word? And spellcheck FFS? Meh.

    Where was I? I changed my Twitter avatar to a robot because of this post. Maybe if the other robots think I’m just another robot then they’ll stop following me. Has to be worth a try.

    Please RT this.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Computer Terms Illustrated #28

  76. Oh yessss! The part about them ruining myspace. LOL! I don’t twitter. I’m going to have to start though, huh? I’starting to feel a bit left out of society. Just one more thing to keep me from taking care of my kids.

    Lizz’s last blog post..So He Isn’t Shakespeare…..

  77. I was just about to post exactly what Danielle posted.

    One minute people are telling people to auto-follow everyone who follows you. Then people come along and say people who do that are stupid. Then….the cycle is just annoying. I can’t believe people don’t have better things to talk about.

    Also, people who only Twitter about how to Twitter?
    You’re so getting unfollowed.

    All the best!
    deb

    deb’s last blog post..get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’

  78. I have my twitter marked private because my son’s father has been trying to use it against me. We’ve been in court since October, and I think I should still get to say things on the internet without worrying about him trying take my son to a city that’s a three hour drive away from me, where he’s living with a different girl every month, and can’t be bothered to pay support or see his son when he says he will. But he thinks he can use what I say on the internet against me, and that worries me, because I worry about my son.
    As long as you’re not him and I don’t think you’re his friend, I accept your follow request.
    Just saying.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Gabriel’s jet pack.

  79. Fuck. I’m late to the party.

    I met a sugar glider in October. They are such QT’s! I <3 them! I had no idea they had forked penises. Why would nature do that? Is it a dual purpose thing? Maybe when they’re not using them for mating or peeing, they use them to eat their shrimp cocktails.

  80. I used to be private, because there was this really aggressive spammer following me with 200 different accounts and all of the notification emails were clogging up my email inbox. So I went private for a bit, but now I’m not. True story.

    Kyla’s last blog post..Happy Mother’s Day

  81. Actually koalas have forked penises too, the term used is bifurcated tips. And the female koala has two lateral vaginas. No I’m not making this up, it’s one of the many reasons koalas are my favorite animal. That and that they are super vicious when disturbed from sleep and I had a friend in high school from Sydney and he used to tell me koalas would attack his cat so whenever he saw them he tried to hit them with his truck.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Koala#Physical_description

    Michael Tischer’s last blog post..Liquid Propulsion ? f/9.0 | 1/400s | iso100

  82. It occurs to me my previous comment may have sounded sarcastic. It wasn’t meant to be; I can’t help it, I’m British, also it was 3am. You never fail to make me laugh, please don’t stop!

    I have now stopped being a celebrity as I realised I was spoiling twitter. Also my avatar was an orang-utan but I have now become human as I realised I was scaring people. You’re changing the world, Bloggess! Or twitter at least.

    Drolgerg’s last blog post..10 More Ways to Annoy People on Twitter: A Celebrity Special!

  83. i’m so fucking confused. what the fuck does <3 mean on everything? and why do people want to read #threads? and why does death bring all the crazy fuckers out of the wood work?

    gorillabuns’s last blog post..nine out of ten

  84. What is RT? What is <3? It looks like a junior high boy’s drawing of boobs, but sideways. Why doesn’t someone make a key board that has all those stupid emoticon thingy’s on it so normal people can understand them. Like an actual picture of boobs? Oh my gosh, I am so gonna do that. I’ll be rich and therefore I’ll be a celebrity and then I can go on twitter and tell people about that bagel I just ate and Ashton Kutcher and John Mayer will follow me, but I will snub them because they are douches and I will be sticking up for the little people because I will remember where I came from.

    Also, I hate Oprah.

  85. Did you leave off autoblasts?

    Because I HATE autoblasts via twitter.

    Is that what they are called? Do you know what I mean?

    I’m sitting there trying to see what hints Steve Brusk is giving about the next Supreme Court Justice or the latest on Liv’s BF status or catch up on the witty banter between Mad and Andrea or figure out how to reply to the person who just said my Tweet was totally offensive and all of the sudden some tweep blasts 42 inks to their Web site with no warning whatsoever.

    It’s like all of the sudden getting sprayed by a FIRE HOSE while chatting with friends at a Starbucks.

    It’s that bad.

    And I don’t know what you mean. Celebrities answer me back. In fact, Kim Kardashian followed me! She’s famous, right? She keeps saying she is so that makes it so, right?

    But you are probably right. Better to stay away. Big Head Todd dumped me last week and it still hurts. They didn’t even have the balls to tell me *why.* They let that auto dump notice tell me.

    Famous people are COLD.

    Julie Pippert’s last blog post..Women with Big Dogs (and infertility)

  86. I agree with all of those. I hate the private thing. Especially when I see someone respond to someone and I am kind of curious about what they are responding to and I can’t go read it. People complaining about twitter are kind of dumb because they probably have several other internet things and they are all similarly both good and pointless.

    Zandor’s last blog post..Internship?

  87. I forgot what I was going to write. WAIT. Another for the list: when the company you work for wants you to use your own Twitter to promote them. Uh, no. Really. What is that about? If it’s really good or brag-worthy news, then maybe (like, hay beeotches, we won the Nobel Prize), but just to pump up a brand? UGH.

    Carondelet’s last blog post..Daily Doodle: Tapeworm Exercise

  88. I came over here to thank you for your great advice to just get drunk and forget my computer woes…but then I forgot what I wanted to say and read that I am a #3 (sorry) and totally thought the same thing about the @MChammer spelling, how hard can it be to spell your nom?
    So I’m all confused and hoping my camera works even tho the computer doesn’t and now the blackberry is on strike and my thumbs are sprained…

    what was i talking about? Bourbon?

    Sticky’s last blog post..It was Mother’s Day?

  89. I laughed at your Oprah comment. It would seem we share the same disdain for her. I get onset insomnia frequently and I’ll watch my comedic love interest, Craig Ferguson. But then Oprah comes on, and I’m sadly reminded that insomnia sucks and nothing is funny anymore. Damn her. I’d block her, too.

  90. Cereal coupons? WTF? I have never heard of this spectacular tweet/twat/twit item before. HOw come no one has twated me a coupon?

    On second thought I don’t use coupons and I can see me now checking out and saying to the clerk, hang on I got a coupon for that shitty cereal, then I would be all digging in my big ass purse looking for the coupon, dumping the contents out on the converyor belt sifting through tampons and such looking for a 10 cent coupon while all the people behind me are giving me the stink eye and the cashier is sighing at me, only to remember that I left the coupon at home.

    10 cent coupons…to much pressure. Thank God no one tweets them to me.

    Shari’s last blog post..Rah, Rah, What?!?

  91. I don’t need 11,000 friends. I don’t even need 10. I don’t Twitter because if I did, I’d never post again and although that would make some people very happy, it would eat into my naptime. I don’t even understand what I just wrote because the guy upstairs (who I always badmouth on my blog) has a buzz saw and I know he’s trying to find a portal into my brain to make me even MORE insane. Fucker.

    Suzy’s last blog post..Sometimes I Go Shopping Blindfolded

  92. Because of you my Twitter account is now public. I didn’t post anything that I wouldn’t say to anyone. I just heard all the negative news reports about how Twitter, Facebook, MySpace and other social network were being blamed for open comments that potential employers would read and decide not to hire me. Now that i’m working I don’t care if they read what I say. I have a job.

  93. “I follow like 5,00 people, dude. It’s anarchy in there.”

    There’s a typo, so it has me wondering whether you follow 500, 5,000 or 5.00 people on twitter. If the true answer is the latter, the decimal point is not necessary.

    Brought to you by the Grammer Nazi.

  94. also, for Deb (130)

    <3 = a heart, but it’s really hard to tell because the font that Victor chose for this revamped blog is really retarded and the 3’s, 4’s, 5’s, 7’s and 9’s are lower than the rest of the letter/numbers. see?

    123456789

    that makes no sense at all.

  95. I coulda been 25.

    Those who set up a twitter account and then can’t figure out how to use it correctly so they never tweet except every now and then when they remember they can send it through text messages it doesn’t matter anyway because they never sign on to check anything, plus everyone who follows them aren’t any fun or interesting.

    Stephanie’s last blog post..The Party

  96. Know what’s weird? I actually delivered a cheesecake to Oprah once. I didn’t actually get to meet Oprah or see if she actually ate the cheesecake (I have a sneaking suspicion the assistant I gave it to hid in a janitor’s closet and ate the whole thing herself), but it does answer the question in #22 so no one ever has to ask it on Twitter again. It turns out that Oprah does in fact like cheesecake.

    And I preemptively blocked her too. Take that!

  97. Um technically it’s not 25… what about hating those that skip the # 13??? he he he gotcha!!!

  98. Hey, you forgot about the robotic dolphins! It could have been worse, but so far I did not see a giraffe on Twitter!

    You are wonderful and funny!!

  99. None of this compares to the people who offer me coffee on twitter and tell me I’m pretty. DO NOT TAUNT ME WITH YOUR DIGITAL COFFEE.

    And yes, I DO look pretty, and you are demeaning that with your lies because I KNOW THAT YOU CAN’T SEE ME!.

    Can you???

    Miss Britt’s last blog post..His and Hers

  100. well… I’ve changed my name on twitter but one day I want a JOB! when I’m fucking done with this fucking tumor that is making me sick. I don’t want some prospective employer to go online and google me and be all like: holy shit! don’t hire her! Her brain tumor might come back and kill us all!!!

    I remain blocked. That’s all there is to it.

  101. Don’t hate me because of my username. There’s plenty of other reasons.

    #30 the people who get on twitter and follow 2001 people in 2 days and then complain about all the spam, who are also posting an ad in every other tweet.

    Pot calling kettle black? Racism isn’t cool, asshole.

    Twitter Fail’s last blog post..TMI

  102. Thank you for #s 23 and 24…actually, thank you for the whole damn list in general. While I do like Twitter, I’m sort of sick of hearing about how great it is all the time. For example, why the hell does CNN care what Mariah Carey writes in her silly Tweets?!?!?!?

    Sara’s last blog post..Restoring Kenyan Politics One Prude at a Time

  103. I commented earlier because it was just so awesome that I showed like probably 20 seconds after you posted because I was like number 20 something and that has hardly ever happened on here.

    OK that said, I was also on my blackberry that is having issues so I had to be short. I am #1 and #2. I DO NOT know why I have issues with people reading my Twitters yet I have TWO blogs and I Facebook. But my Facebook is totally private to only “real” friends. Don’t get your feelings hurt if you aren’t my Facebook friend.

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Clean House, Sad, Glad and Crazy

  104. I hate robots too. Espeically the ones that shoot laser beams from their eyes and try to take over the world. They stink on ice!

    Except for that little robot who sweeps my carpets. I like him. If he trys to shoot me with his death laser I can stomp him because he’s slow.

  105. I am so a #1, because besides the random stalker people that pop up on my internets and freak me out, we don’t have Starbucks here. The closest one is an hour away at ungodly-speeds-that-normal-people-get-arrested-for-driving … and that would depress me, except for the high I can get from the driving. It’s free and it’s legal.

  106. Personal = private account only for people that I know in real life and can handle that I’m a big lush, turning into a big girlie girl because I got married, or whatever shit I post because I don’t get to see these friends often enough.

    Public = things my family can read, things my clients can read, and things that I’m not going to later regret posting. Sober twits with 89% less snark than my personal ones – they go here.

    And I even have two different apps on my phone so that I don’t accidentally twit to the wrong account when I’m drunk. Of course, having now publicly stated that policy, I’m gonna get drunk and blow it. Damn.

  107. My twitter picture used to be Adrian Zmed and TJ Hooker. Now it’s Rick Astley, but I’m actually a dolphin. I just can’t take my own picture and my trainer Steve refuses. He’s such a prick. In fact, I’m just here because I heard you were starting a movement to attach arms to fish and if I get me some arms, that fucko Steve is in for it. I know, I know. I’m a mammal, but I swim as much as they do and all my best friends are fish. Or maybe you just have something against dolphins? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Where I come from, we have a word for you dolphin haters: “EH-EH-EH-EH-EH.” Pardon my language and I’m sorry I had to go there, but your intolerance enrages me. Whatever. You’re just like fucking Steve.

    mayopie’s last blog post..The Rock Oh Mama

  108. I thought hash tags were shout-outs from the weed-smokers. That’s how I’ve been using them.

  109. One of the highest/lowest points of my life was standing next to my mother at the country’s small accredited zoo in Emporia, Kansas, and realizing that the lemurs we were staring at weren’t grooming, they were autofelating the bejeezus out of themselves. Then I had to decide whether or not to say “Man, I’d do anything to have a neck that flexible.” I decided not to, which was probably for the best.

    This doesn’t technically have much to do with Twitter, but it seems like the kind of story you might enjoy.

    michael5000’s last blog post..The Great Movies: "Sweet Smell of Success"

  110. Loves it!
    I know the whole sugar glider thing was started by my comment about my crazy roommate “Ace Ventura”. Which is pretty much like I’m famous because my super famous favorite blogger said something about something that I rambled on about.
    Awesome. I love you. Oh and the only reason I got on twitter was to follow you. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t listed in numbers 1-24 right? !
    Eh whatever, you’re funnier when you have people to hate. I’m willing to sacrifice myself for your literary genius.
    Your welcome.

  111. LMAO–awesome! Especially 1 & 2, and ESPECIALLY 1 & 2 when the person is an actual IRL friend who follows you and you go to follow back and they don’t let you into the walled sanctuary of their tweets.

    Maggie’s last blog post..

  112. Friends who join Twitter that send you dozens of DM’s, @’s and emails asking you stupid questions, then use your real name online and then ask more stupid questions (how did you get those followers? Why do people follow you, what if your boss finds out all the shit you say about him) so annoying

    Under-employed Girl’s last blog post..Estranged

  113. Oh for Pete’s sake. I forwarded the link to this post to my husband because he has Twitter issues, and I thought he’d think it was amusing. He’s been going through your archives and laughing all day today. I’m never going to get him to cut the grass now.

  114. LMAO – it’s so funny ‘cos it’s all true. I’m old, jaded and cynical enough to nod at every point, several of which have been known to send me off on rants myself. Following you on Twitter and adding this blog to my favourites to see what other venom you have in you 😀

  115. I’ve followed your tweets for a while now (does that sound like a double entendre or what?) and you still do not follow me. Why, Bloggess, why?
    1.) I am not that girl, you know who I mean.
    2.) I have a real avatar without a dolphin.
    3.) I have never autoresponded to anyone except for my husband but that’s not an appropriate story to tell here and has nothing to do with Twitter.
    4.) I am not a Twitter hooker.
    5.) I am not a life coach. Every other person that follows me ends up being a Sister Mary Sunshine friggin’ life coach.
    6.) I have never posted a god damn blip.fm tweet and never will. This is on the top of my Twitter Hate list.
    7.) I could continue but this is your blog and you’ll probably never even read this comment…

    Sue on Twitter as @slots777 (OK, so I gamble a little..) which may be another reason that I’m not good enough for you to follow.

    Sue’s last blog post..Wigging Out And Tieing One On – Drag Queens and Halloween

  116. Thanks Jenny! “You complete me.” (Envision me pointing and circling in the air..)

    Gotta go now. I’m busy tweeting about hot chocolate and listening to “Freebird”. wink wink (but not in a Twitter hooker-ish way.)

    Sue

    Sue’s last blog post..What is eBay Doing Now?

  117. Hello, Bloggess. Stumbled in here via jennsylvania.

    Let me say that this post was honkin’ hilarious! The list is confirmation that I don’t use/have/need twitter, MySpace or Facebook. Keep the laughs coming; I shall return.

  118. I think I came here to get a link to the People’s Party. But then I started reading and was like, “Yea, FUCKOFF twitter assholes!” and then I chuckled a little bit because I just said fuckoffassholes and I’m sitting outside and people walking their dogs are going by me (but seriously, people who have to pick up shit from their dog in a bag? Assholes. It’s SHIT. IN A BAG.) anyway, the assume I’m totally looney, which is true, but also, they really are assholes.

    I forgot what I came here for now…

    MRs. Flinger’s last blog post..Happy (ish) Mother’s Day!

  119. I have officially found my twin! I could not agree more with what you just said. People are so freaking annoying and stupid. How about we think before we just open our mouths and talk for the hell of it? I wish some people had a mute button, that would solve everything. Well, except for global warming, but hey, I’m gonna be dead anyway.

    JustJenny’s last blog post..The New Disney

  120. This is great. In addition to your list could you start an unfollowfriday for celebrities who don’t interact but just spout profound words of wisdom (which is in fact crap) , social media ‘gurus’ who promise to make me rich by signing up to their idiotic program or insist on me reading their stupid quotes and the people who really seem to be totally up their own backsides but not aware of it. Thanks for a very funny post.

    jcbreed’s last blog post..New technology to improve neurological and physical disability

  121. I am *totally* with you on #1 – esp people who are following people who are playing characters from TV shows and such (@BillohBill I’m looking at you – or would be, if your account wasn’t private). Yes, I’m nosy, and want to know what they’re saying that someone I followed made a really great comment to.

    And, #20? ummm, sorry about that (humans playing cats) but see, the thing is, I’m on the computer a LOT (work, doncha know) and I’d MUCH rather look at my kitty’s pretty face every time I check into twitter or facebook, than my own. See? Camera phobic.

    OK?

    karma_musings’s last blog post..Blue Jean Baby

  122. I hate when people actually answer the Twitter question and talk about what they do right now.

    And people who can`t stay within the 140 characters.

    Spammers.

    Ads.

    If you follow 5000 and lots of them piss you off, maybe you should be more picky about who you follow?

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