My sister (Lisa) just called me from California and after talking for a few minutes she was all “Okay, mom said I’m supposed to talk to you for 45 minutes before I break this to you but I don’t have anything to talk about so you have to entertain me” and I’m all “Crap. I don’t have anything interesting to say either and now I can’t concentrate so what is it because you’ve totally freaked me out?” and she’s said “Aunt Karen died”, which was sad because she was awesome even though she was so eccentric she made me look rational and normal. And also it was sad because she was really quite young and I asked what she died from and Lisa said she was afraid to ask so I assume she just died from crazy, which seems crude but honestly I take after her side of the family so probably that’s how I’m going to go too so I’m allowed to say that. Like how black people are allowed to call each other the n-word. Except I don’t think “allowed” is the word I’m looking for here because it’s not like I would want to use the n-word even if I was a black person and was “allowed” to. Also, I don’t know why I’m writing about the n-word in a post about my dead aunt but I blame the grief.
Also, while I was still on the phone with Lisa, Victor could tell I was upset so he asked what was wrong but I didn’t want to interrupt Lisa so I mouthed “My Aunt Karen just died” and he yelled “MARIAH CAREY JUST DIED?” and I just kind of looked at him like “What the hell is wrong with you?” and he was all “I didn’t even know she was sick” and I’m like “My Aunt Karen. Not Mariah Carey.” and then he was all “O-o-oh” and then he just walked out of the room. And then Lisa heard me talking to Victor so I tried to explain it and Lisa’s all “Mariah Carey’s dead too?“ and I felt bad for accidentally making a mockery out of my aunt’s death but then I figured Karen would probably think it was all pretty funny too so it was fine. And right then my sister saw a spider in California and I saw one AT THE EXACT SAME TIME and I’m all “Dude. That’s totally a sign from Karen” and Lisa agreed and then Victor walked back in and he’s all “Yeah, ’cause what are the odds that there’s more than one spider in the world?” and then I started to give him a go-to-hell look but then I just felt sorry for him because he never gets signs from spiders about anything and that probably sucks.
PS. My aunt Karen was truly one of the kindest and gentlest people I’ve ever met and she battled anxiety to a degree that even I can’t imagine. Without knowing it, she was actually the person who taught me that the best place to hide from people, and life, and the world was in the bathroom. And (also without knowing it) she inspired me to walk out of the bathroom as well. And for that I will always be grateful.
Comment of the day: Man, that’s horrible. My sincerest condolences to you and yours. It’s times like these that test all of us, but take solace in knowing that Mariah Carey will eventually die. Also, sorry about your aunt. Sounds like you got a double dose of bad news today. At least we all know she’s in a better place. A Mariah-free place. That’s how I would begin describing heaven. Of course, she may be a bunch of spiders now which would totally kick ass. ~ MayoPie