Mariah Carey is not dead

in more than meets the eye

My sister (Lisa) just called me from California and after talking for a few minutes she was all “Okay, mom said I’m supposed to talk to you for 45 minutes before I break this to you but I don’t have anything to talk about so you have to entertain me” and I’m all “Crap.  I don’t have anything interesting to say either and now I can’t concentrate so what is it because you’ve totally freaked me out?” and she’s said “Aunt Karen died”, which was sad because she was awesome even though she was so eccentric she made me look rational and normal.  And also it was sad because she was really quite young and I asked what she died from and Lisa said she was afraid to ask so I assume she just died from crazy, which seems crude but honestly I take after her side of the family so probably that’s how I’m going to go too so I’m allowed to say that.  Like how black people are allowed to call each other the n-word.  Except I don’t think “allowed” is the word I’m looking for here because it’s not like I would want to use the n-word even if I was a black person and was “allowed” to.  Also, I don’t know why I’m writing about the n-word in a post about my dead aunt but I blame the grief.

Also, while I was still on the phone with Lisa, Victor could tell I was upset so he asked what was wrong but I didn’t want to interrupt Lisa so I mouthed “My Aunt Karen just died” and he yelled “MARIAH CAREY JUST DIED?” and I just kind of looked at him like “What the hell is wrong with you?” and he was all “I didn’t even know she was sick” and I’m like “My Aunt Karen.  Not Mariah Carey.” and then he was all “O-o-oh” and then he just walked out of the room.  And then Lisa heard me talking to Victor so I tried to explain it and Lisa’s all “Mariah Carey’s dead too?“ and I felt bad for accidentally making a mockery out of my aunt’s death but then I figured Karen would probably think it was all pretty funny too so it was fine.  And right then my sister saw a spider in California and I saw one AT THE EXACT SAME TIME and I’m all “Dude.  That’s totally a sign from Karen” and Lisa agreed and then Victor walked back in and he’s all “Yeah, ’cause what are the odds that there’s more than one spider in the world?” and then I started to give him a go-to-hell look but then I just felt sorry for him because he never gets signs from spiders about anything and that probably sucks.

PS.  My aunt Karen was truly one of the kindest and gentlest people I’ve ever met and she battled anxiety to a degree that even I can’t imagine.  Without knowing it, she was actually the person who taught me that the best place to hide from people, and life, and the world was in the bathroom. And (also without knowing it) she inspired me to walk out of the bathroom as well.  And for that I will always be grateful.

Comment of the day:  Man, that’s horrible. My sincerest condolences to you and yours. It’s times like these that test all of us, but take solace in knowing that Mariah Carey will eventually die. Also, sorry about your aunt. Sounds like you got a double dose of bad news today. At least we all know she’s in a better place. A Mariah-free place. That’s how I would begin describing heaven. Of course, she may be a bunch of spiders now which would totally kick ass.  ~ MayoPie

156 thoughts on “Mariah Carey is not dead”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Holy Hell, you DID learn hiding out in the bathroom from Karen!!! I never made the connection. It’s amazing that they haven’t called you to speak at the funeral yet. In fact, I think they should just forgo the obituary and print this instead. Oh, and I squished my spider. Next time she should come back as a daddy long legs since I think they are cool and always let them live.

  4. So sorry for your loss and so happy that you could commemorate her in this awesome post. I’m sure you aunt is smiling while sending spiders to do her bidding.

    Robin’s last blog post..Giant Pencil update

  8. I’m so sorry Jenny and what you learned from Aunt Karen makes you an amazing person, so she was definitely happy and proud of you. Why she chose a spider to deliver that message is confusing but maybe it was to make you feel a wee bit anxious therefore you’d think of her.

    katie ~ motherbumper’s last blog post..I Was Wrong

  12. i’m so sorry about your aunt! but i think the spiders were totally a sign. pshaw, victor. he knows nothing.

  17. We always tease my sister for enjoying being the bearer of bad news and blurting it out as soon as someone says “Hulloh” – she never calls otherwise, so as soon as anyone sees her name on the caller ID it’s like, “Doh, who died?” It was nice that your sister attempted the small talk. Really sorry about your aunt. Really happy she taught you what she did.

    Penne’s last blog post..Look what I made.

  18. My condolences to you and your family for your loss, it sounds like Aunt Karen taught some great life lessons.

    Messages from spiders? Priceless. Victor is missing out.

  19. So sorry about the loss of your Aunt Karen. And don’t let Victor phase you. He’s just jealous about whole not getting signs of insects.

    Sarah’s last blog post..Plans

  23. My condolences. I probably spelled that wrong but I too have “the crazy” so its ok.

  24. I’m terribly sorry that you’ve lost someone. That said, I think “Coming Out of the Bathroom” would be a fantastic book title.

  27. Your aunt will be waiting for you in the big bathroom in the sky.

    I don’t mean that in a bad way, but in a sweet loving way. Because when I get to heaven I think all my exes will be in a bar and I will totally have a choice whether I go in there and see for myself what awful choices I made when I was still alive.

    I hope the bar has a bathroom.

    jennydecki’s last blog post..Pointy Bootie (or: I Am Not The Penis Mom)

  29. P.S. I hang out in bathrooms a lot too only not for the drugs anymore but because since giving birth to a Blue-Ribbon sized baby eight years ago I have to pee all the time, and also because I have social anxiety too. Except before reading you I just thought it was me being chickenshit and weird. So thank you.

    Yellow Trash Diaries’s last blog post..Another Post Where I Say Fuck A Lot

  31. I’m really sorry about your aunt. Also, I’ve been wondering if it’s all black people that are approved to use the n-word, or only African-Americans. Because I have this friend from Africa, and I think if he went all “n-word, please!” up in the Wendy’s with his Ivory Coast accent it might not get the reaction one would expect.

  32. If only we were all fortunate enough to have someone trailblaze the crazy for us. I was almost 30 before I realized that I came by my crazy quite honestly. I agree with your sister – this should be the obit and if you speak at the funeral, you should try your speech out on us. We’ll be nice.

    Elizabeth’s last blog post..You make me crazy when…

  33. I think I read you because you sort of inspire me. I suffer from social anxiety, as did many members of my family. I had an Aunt who after her husband died basically never left her home except to walk down and get her mail. I fear I fear i will be that aunt someday, i appear to get closer and closer everyday. So, when I read that you took a trip on an airplane and landed on a ship I cheer you on, I basically say don’t let the bastard take your life away from you. I think you have a natural inclination to survive and to beat your demons, even if sometimes you have to hide in the bathroom from them, because you know demons never have to piss or shit or anything like that.

  36. My mom is an Aunt Karen. She’s not in the proverbial bathroom, as it were, but (she might be in the physical bathroom, and) she’s an aunt, and a Karen, and awesome like your Aunt Karen was. Losing is never fun, but having awesome family totally is.

    Kerri Anne’s last blog post..Weekend Update, Celebratory Edition

  37. It makes me the most sad when a good crazy bitch dies. I feel like non-crazy people should die instead. I like for my kind (the crazies, obviously) to thrive. I mean, I feel as if instead of a crazy kicking the bucket, a lady with a stick up her ass should instead have to die. I mean, not that I think anyone should have to die, per se. but yeah. I think I’ll stop.

    Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy’s last blog post..Sunshine on my Shoulders

  39. Sorry to hear about your loss. My condolences.

    And I completely understand and agree with your claim that crazy people are ‘allowed’ to call other crazy people crazy. It’s like a comradery thing; like you’re in the same club. That’s why I don’t take it personally when people call me retarded……i just give them high fives.

  40. Becky Mochaface,
    Obviously you’ve never had a camper full of squirrels. I’ll stick with spiders TYVM.

  50. Next time I get on an elevator , instead of hollering “wolverines” I’ll yell “Aunt Karen.” You know, in tribute. Or something.

  52. I’m shocked that your eccentric Aunt Karen died before mine. Mine is 400+ pounds. GREAT lady, but I’m still amazed that her body is even working!!!!

    I’m sorry for your Aunt. When my Aunt Karen dies, as long as she doesn’t come to me in the form of a mouse, she’ll likely get to live on.

    Debbi’s last blog post..Tuesday Tunes- Scattered Thoughts

  53. I’m sorry for your loss, Jenny. the world needs more crazy, not less. I mean the good kind of crazy, not the psycho kind. We could all do with less of the bad crazy. I think Mariah Carey is the good kind of crazy, and I am therefore glad for confirmation of her live status. Good for her.

  54. i feel seriously guilty for laughing so hard at post that talks about losing a family member. it’s totally your fault.

    oh, and i’m sorry your aunt died & mariah carey didn’t.

    Biddy’s last blog post..A Worthy Cause

  56. I’m sorry for your loss.

    But seriously, what’s up with your mother? 45 minutes of small talk before you get to the big thing that happened? Now THAT’s crazy! I don’t even talk to my mother for 45 minutes a week, and I probably talk to my sisters 45 minutes a year! I’d never get to the news.

    Tell Victor that spiders tend to hide out when there are people about, so seeing them at the same time is definitely a sign.

    a’s last blog post..Show and Tell – Spring

  59. What a bummer, so sorry to hear your sad news. None of my aunts have died yet and I hope they never will. When my grandma T. died my sister and I were in her bedroom with her holding her hand. It was sad but somehow peaceful which I can’t quite explain, but made it me less afraid of dying. A half hour later the nurse said maybe we could go back in and fix her up a bit because my aunts were arriving to pay last respects. So we smoothed grandma’s hair and figured we should probably put her false teeth back in. For appearances. ‘Cause seeing a dead person is bad enough, but a dead person whose false teeth are in a glass by the bed instead of in their mouth? Totally not cool. But my sister and I weren’t really used to dealing with dead people, and we weren’t so used to false teeth and how they work either. So the whole process got sort of funny. Like, really funny and we started giggling and couldn’t stop but we had to do some serious laugh stifling because our poor aunts were crying in the other room and it just seemed so.disrespectful.of.us to be goofing off with our dead grandma’s teeth. And stuff. Finally the nurse came in to help us get the teeth back in. We apologized for laughing at our dead grandma and her teeth. She said everyone grieves in different ways and that maybe we should go eat some cake that the neighbor brought over. So we did. And then we brushed our teeth because we’re hoping we never have to get false teeth.

    juliejulie’s last blog post..If I Were a Slutty Flight Attendant

  61. Man, that’s horrible. My sincerest condolences to you and yours. It’s time like these that test all of us, but take solace in knowing that Mariah Carey will eventually die. Also, sorry about your aunt. Sounds like you got a double dose of bad news today. At least we all know she’s in a better place. A Mariah-free place. That’s how I would begin describing heaven. Of course, she may be a bunch of spiders now which would totally kick ass.

    MayoPie’s last blog post..Encyclopedias, Manginas and Pancreatic emanations

  62. I’m very sorry for your loss.

    And also, Mariah Carey is dead?!? (This is how rumor’s get started!)

  64. Thank god, because you could have been that lady who grew onto the toilet seat. But also because it’s a nice tribute to your dearly departed aunt, so long as you washed your hands.

    Cat’s last blog post..Longfellow Deeds

  65. Please post a photo of your go-to-hell look. I’ve been working on perfecting mine, but really, I need a role model. Mine mostly looks like I suspect someone swapped my coffee for Sanka. Annoyed, but not really searing. Please help.

    followthatdog’s last blog post..Songwriter in training

  67. i absolutely LOVE this post! especially, “Okay, mom said I’m supposed to talk to you for 45 minutes before I break this to you but I don’t have anything to talk about so you have to entertain me” that is so my family as well.

    i’m sorry for your loss. i hope my aunt sends me a sign 🙂

    mylittlebecky’s last blog post..a vote for ‘merica

  68. So sorry for your loss, but *totally* jazzed for you that you had a formative aunt like that. Aunts can be things that moms can’t (or if they can, it’s a much finer line) – cool, eccentric, “crazy” – and we end up learning loads from that.

    harmzie’s last blog post..I hate horses

  69. Jenny — I’m sorry you’ve lost your Aunt Karen – I have one, too, and don’t want to think about losing her. I hope you have some great memories of some great times & conversations with her to hang on to. And some great pictures!
    I’m the “cool aunt” for my niece [I taught her how to ask for her favorite 29-word Starbuck’s drink when she was about 2] and I totally hope she saves up a lot of fun memories of us.
    And LOL to the guy who mentioned the lady who grew to the toilet seat! I’m a native Clear Lake-ian stuck in KS [for now] and that was BIZARRE even by Texas standards.

  70. First, my condolences for your loss. It really sux when someone you like dies.

    Now, can you come explain to my coworkers why I fell out of my chair laughing! That whole exchange about Mariah with Victor just hit me as the funniest thing I’ve read in a lonnnnng time.

    Its was shaping up to be a really shitty day at work, thanks for making me laugh. =D

    peedee’s last blog post..Dog Daze of Summer

  71. So sorry for your loss. I started to cry, but your blog made me laugh. Then it was happy tears mixed with sad tears and my eyes got very confused. Then you said Mariah Carey was dead and then she wasn’t and I cried with anger. Tough blog for my eyes (and my heart).

    I wonder if there is an exchange program somewhere because I would gladly give up Mariah Carey for your Aunt Karen. The world needs more awesome & eccentric & kind people like her.

  72. I’m sorry about your aunt. And also that she is sending you spiders, because if I had a dead relative sending me spiders, regardless of how beloved they were, I would sorta think they were creepy.

    Kurt’s last blog post..Depression Fish Sticks

  73. I’m sorry for your loss, Jenny. and for your husband’s inabilty to read lips. lets hope he never looses his hearing. dude’s gonna be FUCKED! also – I just saw a spider and I live in Maryland. I also just squished an ant. I should maybe clean my kitchen. Deepest sympathies for my assine way of saying “sorry for your loss”.

  74. Dead?————How do people know she’s not just hiding out in a bathroom somewhere?

    Did she leave a note saying that she wants her ashes flushed?
    That would seem reasonable. In an unreasonable way.

    I had a woman like that in my life too. . . very kind, very gentle, a great sense of humor.
    I miss her.

  75. Jenny, I’m very sorry for the loss of your Aunt because losing anyone you love, crazy or not, bites the big one. But I have to admit, knowing you, Lisa, and Victor, I could totally see the conversation going on and I had to laugh. It is kind of like the episode of Mary Tyler Moore when the clown died and they all laughed at the funeral….okay, so I aged myself there, but hey, you could have seen it in a repeat or something. Anyway, take all the good parts of your Aunts personality and continue to honor her in your own special way.

  76. I’m sorry to hear about your aunt. 🙁

    I do hope, however, that something like that happens when I die – ’cause my ghost totally wouldn’t be offended. I imagine it would be like when I worked for Home Depot and I kept hearing “Tracy from Cash” whenever someone called for “Kitchens and Bath.” The first forty seven times, it was hilarious. Then I had to change my name at work.

    Tea’s last blog post..Surprise!

  77. So sorry Mariah Carey’s not dead. No, wait. Something about spiders. Don’t spiders hang out in the bathroom? Thank Chuck you didn’t both see Sasquatch at the same time, now that would be awesome! Because I’m pretty sure there’s only one sasquatch in the world, except where do baby sasquatches come from? Maybe it’s a hermaphrodite?

    Which is to say, sorry for your loss.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Shameless Plug For Charidee

  80. I’m so sorry for your loss, Jenny. Truly.
    Now, if I see a spider, and think of Aunt Karen, and then kill it, does that make me a bad person?
    Also, I find myself hiding away in bathrooms these days when I’m nervous or sad, just now realized that may or may not be your influence….hmmm.

    Back to me feeling sad for you and hoping you are doing okay.
    Much love!

  82. Wow Jenny, your family sounds so totally awesome. I would have loved to have met your Aunt. She sounds so totally cool from the little bit you’ve posted here, and I’m sorry that she’s gone. However, I will take care with spiders carrying messages from the other side from now on. No matter how ugly they may be. Just in case. Drop a bee in Aunt Karen’s ear at the funeral and tell her to look my mom up when she gets there. They can do crazy together and liven things up. It’ll be a blast.

    TMWW’s last blog post..When Did I Accept a Friggin Model Mom of the Complex Award?!?

  83. in your grief that you can still be funny is amazing and i love it.
    your aunt sounds like she was a lovely person.

    ps – your “ps” made me teary

    pps – i want you to write my eulogy… is that weird?

  86. I’m sorry for your loss. Crazy runs in my family as well….and in me, so I can totally use the word too. I’m in your club *fist bump*. Aunt Karen sounds like one cool chick. I’m sorry, again.

    LizzB’s last blog post..Faking Fancy

  88. My condolences on the loss of your Aunt. It’s sad whenever anyone dies but one who influenced your life in such a manner is always worse somehow.
    Not sure why but there seems to be a spider thing going around this week…..it’s a long story that involves half waking the husband from a dream!

    Kari-Mel’s last blog post..Congrats and other ramblings…

  89. I’m sorry for your loss. You honored her memory well.

    In our family, my sister is the crazy aunt. Because she won’t have children. I don’t even have the opportunity to earn that title. What an asshole she is.

  97. I am honestly sorry to hear about your aunt. I know how hard it is to lose someone who was a role model.

    P.S. How cool is it that now she can send you and your sister spiders at the exact same moment?

    MommyTime’s last blog post..My New Un-Diet

  98. I don’t have anything clever to say except that now I will think about your Aunt Karen before I kill another spider. They totally scare the piss out of me.

    I am truly sorry for your loss.

    Shawna’s last blog post..Miss Fortune

  99. One time my friend told me J-Lo died while I was on a break while I was working at this stupid call center. Well of course I told EVERYONE I worked with and I told almost all of the customers I talked to that day.

    When I got home I realized that J-Lo was totally alive and then I murdered my friend. Okay maybe I didn’t kill him, but I totally should have.

    Maxie’s last blog post..Blaze of Glory

  100. I’m really sorry to hear about your aunt. I really wish your blog post had been about something less tragic, because now it makes my comment look really offensive, but basically I just wanted to say I finally read the comment you left on my blog TWO WEEKS AGO and I wanted to tell you I really appreciate you even reading it, much less commenting on it. I’ll go away now. I hope you feel better soon. And don’t feel too bad about your aunt. Like that poem says, she did not die. She’s still here in the grain of wheat or the rain, or… oh hell. I forget how that goes. I’ll shut up now. ((((awkward hug))))

    http://tinyurl.com/nsu6ro

    Michelle Lynne Goodfellow’s last blog post..tweeter’s remorse

  102. In your own special way, you wrote a beautiful tribute to your aunt. May she rest in peace, without anxiety and spiders.

    Wishing you comfort and love,
    David

  105. So very sorry about your aunt. Once my sweetheart kept saying “Mariah Carey” over and over until I yelled at him “DON’T EVER SAY MARIAH CAREY AGAIN!!” and after a few seconds he said, very quietly, “mariah carey” and I screamed “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?” and he said, louder, “I SAID MY EYES ARE HAIRY!”
    So yeah, I’m very sorry about your queen-of-the-spiders aunt.

  107. I’m making a mental note to have you write my obituary (actually, if I really want that I should make an ACTUAL note somewhere) because this is the only time when I’ve ever laughed about anything involving death and I want to go out like that. Seriously, though, I am really sorry about your aunt… and grateful she made you come out of the bathroom, ’cause it’d be hard to blog from there.

    Jessica’s last blog post..For the Love of Good Coffee

  111. I’m sorry about your aunt. And about Mariah. I mean that she’s still with us. But mostly about your aunt. Wouldn’t it be nice if the only people that died were very old happy people who had lived a fulfilling life? Then it wouldn’t suck so much.

    Carolyn…Online’s last blog post..Emptying my head: Vol. 3

  114. I’m sorry about your aunt, but how awesome to be able to control spiders. I hate spiders and would love to be able to control them. I would totally scare people to make them think of me too.

    I am glad she taught you how to come out of the bathroom. I managed to marry the only person that makes me come out of my bathroom (books).

    I also agree with Fargo, “Coming Out of the Bathroom” *would* make an awesome book title.

    daisy’s last blog post..Thirsty Thursday

  118. Sorry about your aunt. Although I’m glad you had such a wonderful relationship with her!
    But, Dude!, your Aunt Karen is totally hanging over my sink right now! I read the post to her, and she seemed mildly amused. At least, she just kept hanging there motionless. Sorry to say, though, that she’s only got till hubby gets out of bed to keep hanging around like that. She is a Daddy Longlegs, so, to make your sister happy (per her earlier comment), I’ll try to get him to humanely throw her outside. You’re welcome!

    Jen@HappilyEverAfterLand’s last blog post..Daddy of the Year – The BIG Girl Bed!

  119. That was seriously the funniest thing I’ve read in a very long time. About Mariah Carey, not your aunt. I’m very sorry about your aunt.

  121. This was a lovely post; my condolences for your loss.

    Also, could you maybe hold a seance or something to ask Aunt Karen how she’s doing that spider thing? Because I *totally* want to have dominion over spiders after I kick. It’d be nice to get some pointers now.

    Cobwebs’s last blog post..Pumpkin Centerpieces

  123. Um, I think your aunt is accidentally sending spiders to my house? I have found 6 in the last three days, could you tell your Aunt’s spiders to call their friends over here, they must have made a wrong turn.

    Becca’s last blog post..Want to learn more?

  124. I’m so sorry about your aunt. I recently lost a very wonderful aunt myself so you have my deepest sympathies.

    But the spider was totally a sign.

    Lost Artist’s last blog post..Digital

  126. We have a sister like that. Brother calls her “Black Linda,” because she’s always calling not only with deaths but with horrifying illnesses/mishaps befalling people you barely know.

    Black Linda: Do you remember Jackie Peterson? From down the block? Her mother was Cousin Cindy’s babysitter?
    Me: No.
    Black Linda: Eye cancer.

    OR

    Black Linda: Carlos Manypenny? He was in chorus with me in 7th grade? Moved to Alaska to mine silver?
    Me: No.
    Black Linda: Eaten by wolves.

    That kind of thing.

    Rooty Toot Toot’s last blog post..Absurdity in the Workplace

  127. Aw. Your post made me cry.
    Battle, battle. I would like you to post a mini-saga about battling anxiety like in an actual battle with light sabers and toilet seats and Kill Bill kind of martial arts and fake blood.
    Just a lil’ ol’ request for some day when you can’t figure out what to write about.

  128. I’m really sorry for your loss. Your aunt Karen sounds like she was an awesome person, even though sending spiders as a sign from beyond is kinda creepy- I’m just sayin’…

  129. I’m so sorry for your loss…and I’m sorry I laughed more than half way through reading your post…but not about your aunt, though, I hope that when I die, i have someone who can make others laugh when talking about all the silliness of me.

    NYCity Mama’s last blog post..Discovering The High Line, NYC

  130. Not that I should at all compare the loss of your Aunt to the loss of my dog but well I’m going to . If it helps any we’d had him for 9 years and he was a huge part of our family. Ahem, but anyway. So after we put our dog to sleep I was talking to him and telling him he’s in a better place and tried to sit down so I could be eye to eye with him on the table. Anyhoo I totally missed the chair and almost fell on my ass. I was lucky my husband caught me. Barely.
    We laughed for a while. It was nice to be laughing instead of crying.

    Ya know sometimes that kind of comic relief is needed. Death is a heavy enough subject. Sorry.

    WM’s last blog post..Suprise ! It’s…a wedding.

  132. Many people give credit for someone teaching them to hide in the bathroom, although most seem to think they gained the strength to walk out of there all by themselves. I think you will find yourself in the bathroom less often…

    Thank you. First time visitor. MacArthur.

    Vince Spence’s last blog post..Not a real win on the PGA tour unless…

  134. Whoever just left the comment above me? Rocks my socks off.

    I’ve had a spider WAVE at me. Now, what the hell am I supposed to do with that? Is he just saying hey, or is my Nana trying to warn me about my impending doom? COME ON, spider, you can do better than that!

    (My condolences to you and your family.)

    LiLu’s last blog post..Bloggy Nuggets (Plop, Plop)

  137. I have to ask… WTFUCKITYFUCK is going on in the universe this week? I had news of 3 people I know or kinda know that DIED on june 16th. One was a dear friend who lost her battle with ovarian cancer. But HAYZEUS was the quota low in heaven or something?

  140. Yeah, Karen’s all, “damn you for mentioning me and Mariah Carey in the same conversation!” Then threw spiders at both of you. She was probably a cool chick to hang out with – sorry for your loss.

    Harna’s last blog post..Recapping the Moments of My Life

  141. OMFG I was throwing my head back cuz I was laughing so hard at something you wrote (obviously not in this post cuz that would be insensitive) and THERE’S A FUCKING SPIDER ON MY CEILING!!! Right after I read this post I see a spider. Its a sign.

    Jack’s last blog post..

  142. So, let me get this right… you and Mariah Carey are going to go into the bathroom, where she will dye you with spider juice.

    Cool.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Shadow warrior

  143. Wow. I needed to laugh today. The Mariah Carey comment did it. I am so sorry about your aunt. One of my favorite people ever, my Grandma, died a few months ago as well. Some days it just feels so messed up. Anyway, I hope that your heart recovers and that those wonderful eccentric things that made Aunt Karen crazy, always stay with you!

    Angie LIskey’s last blog post..On the road again

  144. Let’s trade Mariah for your aunt.

    Also, I’m really looking forward to the hate mail you get for even mentioning the N word. Please be sure to share with your legions of fans.

    Well Read Hostess’s last blog post..Just Say No

  145. Ooooh, I’m just going to go ahead and put this out there in case any of my near-death relatives are reading: Don’t come back as a spider. I will freak the fuck out.

    Sorry about your aunt, and your husband’s concern over Mariah Carey.

    Mommica’s last blog post..Somebody’s bitter

  146. i am sorry for your loss , i also know what you mean about the crazy family i live in one twisted world .
    its a sham your man does not get messages from spiders they could fill him in on what your faces mean.
    lol

    m.pink’s last blog post..the birthday

  147. I’m sorry for your loss, but I’m kind of glad I didn’t know your aunt. I fucking hate spiders. Creepy bastards, always sneaking up on you.. If I get messages from dead people, I hope they pick a bunny or something. I think squirrels were already mentioned, they’d be okay too.

  154. You know what I just figured out? You remind me of Douglas Adams. I mean if Douglas Adams was alive and was a slightly sassy blogger. I mean, bloggess.

    It’s just that sometimes I read your stuff and laugh and I’m like, wait, did I laugh because that was random, or because it was funny? And I think, no, it was funny because it was random! And then I think, wait, WAS it? (funny, I mean, because it’s always random.)

    Just like not forgetting your towel.

    Della’s last blog post..Not Me! Monday, Tornado Edition

  155. I’m so sorry about your aunt but this post did give me a chuckle. Ive been on a news strike this week so I have no clue what is going on in the world. When I saw the title I thought o my gosh what happened to Mariah I need to cancel the strike to read what happened:) Darn strike still on.

    Lucy’s last blog post..The Mark of Cain A Blessing or Curse?

  156. My kids have a crazy Aunt Robin who is my young sister and I learned a lot from her too… like how you can totally pin someone down in a fight even if they are bigger then you just because you are the older sister. My husband used to tease me that my sister was crazy and think that I was crazy too because I totally let my children call her “Crazy Aunt Robin” when she calls, but then his grandmother passed away and his aunt flew in from North Carolina and he’s all tell our kids how she is kinda, sorta, really crazy and I looked at him and sang, “You have a Crazy Aunt Jean! You have a Crazy Aunt Jean!” Then we challenged our three kids to see who would be the crazy aunt or uncle for the next generation. Their working on it with great enthusiasm!

    Christina’s last blog post..Making Banana Lumpia

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Stephen Metcalfe Words: Novels, Screenplays, Stories and Plays that reach around the heart, massage the brain, and usually give a happy ending.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Eye Candy: Ethereal original art and reproductions, streamable painting instruction & art journaling lessons for curious minds. Daydreams & mystics welcome.

Sylvia Shults, author and paranormal reporter: I sit in dark, spooky places so you don’t have to. Check out the award-winning Gone On Vacation: Haunted Zoos, Museums, and Amusement Parks, available in print and ebook.

Cake4Kids: We bake and deliver free birthday cakes to underserved kids who might not otherwise receive one.

Where the Hell is Ivy Dell by Indie Sparks: It’s not like some shirtless guy with a scorpion tattoo is going to change my whole life.

Florida-splaining by Cathy Salustri: We’re not all crazy assholes down here. Really. Here’s a whole book about what makes Florida spectacular.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading