Two totally random and unexpected gifts I got yesterday that are so completely fucked up and awesome at the same time that I almost cannot breathe:
1. A box of 31 used Star Wars novels that no one ordered.
Apparently my friend Andy Sernovitz (who I met on the aircraft carrier a few weeks ago) decided I needed them. Which is kind of weird. And what’s even weirder is that when I first opened it I thought it was the exact same box of Star Wars novels that we’d just sold on ebay and that someone was just fucking with me but those were the Star Wars bounty hunter series and this was a different set and I probably won’t read all of them because the Star Wars novels are kind of crap except the one where Chewbacca dies and I totally cried a little when I read that one. Also *spoiler alert* Chewbacca dies, y’all. I don’t really think that’s a “spoiler” though because it’s not like Wookies are immortal. Eventually he was gonna die anyway. Except now I can’t really remember how he died. I think he got hit by a car. Also, I thought it was weird that Andy sent me these because on the carrier I really only talked about Battlestar Gallactica with him and I wondered how he knew I was also a Star Wars girl but then I remembered that we got this mass email telling us that Captain Nasty had just been promoted to Admiral after we left the ship and several of the career bloggers on the trip emailed back and said how happy they were for him because they’d given him a little career advice and that probably helped and I wrote back:
"I don't want to brag but right before we left I was all "You know who's higher ranked than you? Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars. And that guy's part octopus." Pretty sure that's what pushed him to murder the old Admiral. I mean, I assume that's how you get the title. It's like Highlander, right? There can be only one."
No one responded to me.
2. On the way to my aunt’s funeral my father ran out to his taxidermy shop and gave me this:
And he’s all “You know…for Christmas.”
That space there was the sound of me not breathing because I couldn’t even make up something more fucked-up to say when you hand someone a bobcat skull tied to some kinda bear trap with candy cane antlers. And then I guess he took my silence for awe because he was all “Yeah. That is a *real* bobcat tongue” the same way that other people say “That’s solid gold”. And then he told me to make sure Hailey didn’t try to eat the candy canes and I’m all “I don’t think it will be a problem” but turns out when I brought it in and told her that her Papa made it for us to hang up at Christmas she was all “Yum! But where did he get the candy canes?” like that was the weird part. And then she patted its head and said “Hello, bobcat” and I’m all “How did you even know that was a bobcat?” and she’s all “Oh, I know bobcats” in this foreboding way like she’d had some sort of long, dramatic history with bobcats except that she’s fucking four. And then I told Victor I was going to hang it on our door this year instead of a Christmas wreath and Victor gave me this look like I was insane, probably because he realizes that it’s so fucking awesome that someone will probably try to steal it, but I’ll only put it out when I’m home and also if people steal at Christmas it’s usually because they are really poor and in need so I try not to be judgey. Unlike Victor, who is kind of an asshole about poor people apparently.
PS. Victor just read this and said that Chewbacca was murdered and was not hit by a car and that I was probably thinking of this pomeranian we used to have. So, spoiler alert: My pomeranian was murdered by a car.
PPS. Victor says it’s not “murder” if you run over a dog, so fine. My dog was “involuntary manslaughtered” by a car.
Comment of the day: My question about Star Wars novels: Do we get to hear Chewbacca’s thoughts? I want access to Chewbacca’s inner life. The whole time I watch Star Wars I’m wondering: ‘What’s Chewbacca thinking?’ I’ll bet it’s good, whatever it is. ~ ozma