You know…for Christmas.

in bizarre, no one thinks this is funny but me, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap, Sometimes I get Top Gun and real life confused in my head

Two totally random and unexpected gifts I got yesterday that are so completely fucked up and awesome at the same time that I almost cannot breathe:

1.  A box of 31 used Star Wars novels that no one ordered.  

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Apparently my friend Andy Sernovitz (who I met on the aircraft carrier a few weeks ago) decided I needed them.  Which is kind of weird.  And what’s even weirder is that when I first opened it I thought it was the exact same box of Star Wars novels that we’d just sold on ebay and that someone was just fucking with me but those were the Star Wars bounty hunter series and this was a different set and I probably won’t read all of them because the Star Wars novels are kind of crap except the one where Chewbacca dies and I totally cried a little when I read that one.  Also *spoiler alert* Chewbacca dies, y’all.  I don’t really think that’s a “spoiler” though because it’s not like Wookies are immortal.  Eventually he was gonna die anyway.  Except now  I can’t really remember how he died.  I think he got hit by a car.  Also, I thought it was weird that Andy sent me these because on the carrier I really only talked about Battlestar Gallactica with him and I wondered how he knew I was also a Star Wars girl but then I remembered that we got this mass email telling us that Captain Nasty had just been promoted to Admiral after we left the ship and several of the career bloggers on the trip emailed back and said how happy they were for him because they’d given him a little career advice and that probably helped and I wrote back: 

"I don't want to brag but right before we left I was all "You know who's
higher ranked than you?  Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars.  And that guy's
part octopus."  Pretty sure that's what pushed him to murder the old
Admiral.  I mean, I assume that's how you get the title.  It's like Highlander,
right?  There can be only one."

No one responded to me.  

2. On the way to my aunt’s funeral my father ran out to his taxidermy shop and gave me this:

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And he’s all “You know…for Christmas.”  

***

That space there was the sound of me not breathing because I couldn’t even make up something more fucked-up to say when you hand someone a bobcat skull tied to some kinda bear trap with candy cane antlers.  And then I guess he took my silence for awe because he was all  “Yeah.  That is a *real* bobcat tongue” the same way that other people say “That’s solid gold”.  And then he told me to make sure Hailey didn’t try to eat the candy canes and I’m all “I don’t think it will be a problem” but turns out when I brought it in and told her that her Papa made it for us to hang up at Christmas she was all “Yum!  But where did he get the candy canes?” like that was the weird part.  And then she patted its head and said “Hello, bobcat” and I’m all “How did you even know that was a bobcat?” and she’s all “Oh, I know bobcats” in this foreboding way like she’d had some sort of long, dramatic history with bobcats except that she’s fucking four.  And then I told Victor I was going to hang it on our door this year instead of a Christmas wreath and Victor gave me this look like I was insane, probably because he realizes that it’s so fucking awesome that someone will probably try to steal it, but I’ll only put it out when I’m home and also if people steal at Christmas it’s usually because they are really poor and in need so I try not to be judgey.  Unlike Victor, who is kind of an asshole about poor people apparently.

"You know...for Christmas."
"You know...for Christmas."

PS.  Victor just read this and said that Chewbacca was murdered and was not hit by a car and that I was probably thinking of this pomeranian we used to have.  So, spoiler alert:  My pomeranian was murdered by a car.

PPS.  Victor says it’s not “murder” if you run over a dog, so fine. My dog was “involuntary manslaughtered” by a car.

Comment of the day:   My question about Star Wars novels: Do we get to hear Chewbacca’s thoughts? I want access to Chewbacca’s inner life. The whole time I watch Star Wars I’m wondering: ‘What’s Chewbacca thinking?’ I’ll bet it’s good, whatever it is. ~ ozma

168 thoughts on “You know…for Christmas.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Dude. That might be the awesomest thing I’ve ever seen, and if I was a poor person in your neighborhood on Christmas, I’d steal the hell out of it.

  5. My question about Star Wars novels: Do we get to hear Chewbacca’s thoughts? I want access to Chewbacca’s inner life. The whole time I watch Star Wars I’m wondering: ‘What’s Chewbacca thinking?’ I’ll bet it’s good, whatever it is.

    ozma’s last blog post..Crazy Dictator Month: Depressing Edition

  10. Okay. That is the weirdest thing I have seen in a long time. Is your father taking meds? I think he needs to if he isn’t. Maybe ditch the candy canes and drape spider webs around for Halloween. Yuck.

    I hate that chewbacca died. He was my favorite character. Waaahhhh Can’t quite spell a wookie sound.

    Sorry about your dog. That has to be tough. Don’t let your father near him though. Ewww. He might make something for Easter with him.

    Coco’s last blog post..AND THE NOMINEES ARE

  13. Them’s swell gifts and all, but a Chewbacca skull would have been even awesomer.

  15. My five year old niece keeps telling people that her father killed a coyote and they buried in the yard. No one knows why she is saying this, least of all her father. So maybe Hailey really does have a past with bobcats. Or, maybe, my sister needs to have a look around her yard, sometimes a dead hooker can look like a coyote. In certain light.

  16. The hell with stealing it, you’d find me kneeling in supplication before it. I’d do my best to start a Bobcat Christmas Cult, which has a totally bitchin’ sound to it.

  19. You better keep that indoors because really, who wouldn’t want to steal that? Its awesome!

  21. As usual, you have almost killed me from not being able to breathe due to laughing too hard.

  22. Hey bloggy, have you considered buying a kindle? I wish I had one, maybe one of the new DX models. You can run of of room eventually if you read a lot, and the kindle books are a lot cheaper then buying the book itself. hey if you got lots of bucks, buy one for me while your at it. lol

    Take care Bloggy. love your tweets

  23. I have to be honest, I would totally steal that Thing off your door. I don’t care what the holidays tell me about being good, just *look* at it.

  24. I want to know how your daughter knew that was a bobcat skull. Actually, no I don’t. I really, really don’t.

    Steve’s last blog post..Mall

  25. That Christmas bobcat skull totally kicks the ass of the skull of Satan my husband insists we keep next to my glow-the-dark Blessed Virgin Mary statue!

    Misha’s last blog post..Broken

  26. DUDE! The bobcat! Holy Co–BOBCAT! I love it. I want one! He should sell those on Ebay. But I would probably scream and burn it but now that I think about it, can you burn bones? I’m gonna go try that out. Now I’ll I need is some bones. Humm. This all could have been the Ambien talking.

    AmberMc’s last blog post..I’m going going, back back, to A Z… a z…

  27. I was wanting to make everyone’s xmas gifts this year. Some magnets, scarves, etc. But what else? I was stressing about what to make for the men. This is great! I hope the neighbors don’t miss their cats.

    LizzB’s last blog post..That Big Silver Screen In The Sky

  29. That’s funny that Hailey said that cuz while I was reading this I was all, “Where the hell did he get Candy Canes in June?” Because the rest of the entry didn’t faze me in the least. I know what blog I’m reading.

  30. I know you’re busy killing off Chewbacca with a 4×4 and all but do you know that your site still doesn’t work in Firefox? It’s unnerving. Like when Obi Wan Kennobi died. Except, when he died, I was sad.

    C.J.’s last blog post..Grace in Small Things Part 25 of 365

  31. Are you sure? Because I’m looking at it in firefox and it looks fine for me. Is it possible that you just have really high and unrealistic expectations about what this site is supposed looks like when it’s working properly?

  33. Jenny, you need to explain to LizzB that a bobcat isn’t the same as a cat named Bob. Her neighbors are really going to be pissed.

  35. To get already dead animals I mean. Not to adopt cats so you can boil the flesh off their heads. That probably goes without saying but thought I should clarify just in case.

  37. Just think of the poor bastard that could have gotten an authentic bobcat tongue in a skull with candy cane ears attached in an unfortunate drunk e-bay incident. Now THAT is a Christmas story if ever I heard one.

    Mocha’s last blog post..Thank You For Understanding

  39. Um, i just had a hysterectomy and am not supposed to drive, lift shit, or have sex for weeks. My discharge orders should have listed not reading your fucking blog either. I laughed so hard I think I am now bleeding in places that weren’t cut. Thanks Bloggess. Love you too. I’m going to have “Hello Bobcat” stuck in my head all night. More meds please.

    Amy Shields’s last blog post..Sunday Farting – Type P

  40. That’s not at all how I pictured your aunt.

    I’m on a new timesaving blog skimming schedule. It’s working out well, I think.

  41. Nothing says “I love you” quite like skulls from Dad (or a husband/daughter team that accepts decorated bones into the house with glee – well, maybe not actual glee from Victor, more like a resigned sigh). Maybe Hailey could put curlers in the tinsel hair so it looks like you?!

  42. I’m kind of jealous that your dad makes you really awesome stuff like that. Mine called me yesterday and was all, “You know that surround sound system I gave you last year? Are you using it? Because I kind of want it back.” And I was like, “You never gave me a surround-sound system, and besides, my TV is 800 years old so it wouldn’t even work if you did.” And he’s all, “You lost it, didn’t you?” And I was all, “YOU NEVER GAVE ME ONE.” And then he sighed and hung up on me, and then called me back 20 minutes later to say that he found it in the garage, and never mind. And I yelled at him “It’s your fault I’m a fucking flake!” And he told me that my tone was unwarranted. He works for the post office. He never brings me skulls.

    emvandee’s last blog post..Today was also the best day ever, and I know that you’re going to stop believing me when I say that. Here, have some strawberry shortcake.

  45. Can’t.Fucking.Breathe!!!!!! OMG. I want one…. Do you think if I asked nicely that your Dad would make me one? Cuz, I wanna be one of the cool kids with a bobcat skull that has *real* bobcat tongue in it on my front door!!!

    Asha’s last blog post..Of Course I’m the Problem…

  46. Wow- you should totally drop a hint where you dad got the bobcat head. i know too many people i would love to get one for!!

    P.S. Sorry about the involuntary dogslaughter….

    viemoira’s last blog post..Rewarded with Training

  49. Okay, your branch did not fall far from that tree did it? Hmmm, but I would totally put that ornament on a tree if I had one at Christmas, I would make it one of those theme trees. The Christmas Tree of Death!

  50. I’m going to have nightmares. Serious nightmares that involve bobcat tongues and disturbing Christmas decorations.

    Note to self, do not read blogs right before bed, you just never know what you’ll come across 🙂

    Stacy’s last blog post..MWW

  52. Your dad is the shit! Though something about the tongue makes it quite unsettling… Anycreepyway. Does he have an Etsy shop?

    Hey! You know how you lick frog backs and can see in the future? What woud tongue kissing rigor mortis bobcat tongue do to you? Let me know how it goes.

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..I Killed Tweety

  53. That is wicked. I’d love to receive a box full of star wars book, problem is, I think I have them all in boxes under my house. The only series I haven’t read are the Xwing/clone wars ones… not enough interest for me in those. Great post, +1 subscriber.

    Insanity540’s last blog post..Terminator Salvation Review

  54. MAN! The only surprise gift I ever got was an oversized T-shirt and some pirate stickers (but pirates are awesome, so that actually worked out pretty well).
    Also: this is seriously the funniest post I have ever read. Thank you. You are invited for Christmas… but bring the bobcat.

    Random’s last blog post..Mail!

  57. In 1997 I mysteriously received the entire MTV Party To Go series. It was my first year of college and I think I was drunkenly entering contests online.

  58. Wow. That is the best thing I think I’ve ever seen. I don’t even know where to begin. My spleen hurts from laughing.

  60. Well, call Victor what you will but I would define murder as being crushed between a planet and it’s nearest moon while saving Hans and his son. Sounds like bravery and courage to me. I imagine that’s how your dog died, saving a neighborhood puppy from being crushed between the pavement and a car. Also, I pictured Admiral Akbar yelling “It’s a trap!” as he murdered the previous Admiral so he could make it appear as if he was trying to save his mark’s life. You gotta watch out for those octopoda.

    Jeremy’s last blog post..Episode 1 – Thunderheart Inc.

  61. I’m not sure if I’d hang the festive skull on the door so much as I would put it on the end of a broom stick and drive it into the middle of my backyard. Then I’d wrap myself up and a bed sheet (I don’t have a white one I’d consider dressing up in, so it would probably have to be the Bambi set for the single bed, vintage 1982), light one of those anti-mosquito torches on fire, and dance around until the old biddy next door finally decides to shut her damn curtains and leave us alone already! That would totally teach her for snooping. I bet the cops wouldn’t laugh as hard as I’d like them to. They’re notoriously humourless.

    Tea’s last blog post..Don’t Make Me Beg

  63. Do you think your dad and your daughter would agree to meet me for coffee one of these days? Because I’d like to sit down with them and be all, “Okay, you two. Explain the universe.” I’d totally base the rest of my life on whatever they said.

    Evn’s last blog post..Transamerican Idol

  64. So have you rigged the mouth yet to open and close so that you can make it sing “If I Could Turn Back Time”?

    Please pick this as your Comment of the Day. Because let’s face it: the bobcat skull has Cher hair.

    Evn’s last blog post..Transamerican Idol

  65. your blog makes almost pee my pants practically every time i read it. I MEAN THIS TOTALLY IN A GOOD WAY.

    also? not going to lie, the bobcat decoration made me speechless, too. but the first thought that came to my head about it was, “oh, damn. i wish i had one, too.”

  66. This post totally resonated with me because of two really odd and…wrong elements. Long ago, my friend Sondee and I used to go out to the grandmothers ranch in East Texas and collect cow skulls. I’m not sure why we found so many cow skulls on her grandmothers ranch. I’m guessing that grandma wasn’t much of a rancher. Anyway, we would spray paint the skulls gold, hang random decorations on their horns and give them as gifts. No one really got it but us.Not long after this, Sondee slept with my husband, so I pretty much stopped having anything to do with her. But about 2 years ago, Sondee and I reconnected because we were both completely obsessed with Battlestar Galactica. Did that guy ever tell you how many Cylons were on board? Eerie.

    Gretchen’s last blog post..Camp Mama Week Two: Bookie Boy

  68. I resisted every urge to write the following. And I failed. Sorry.

    Chewebacca died in the evacuation of a planet called Serpindal. He and Han Solo’s son were loading evacuees onto the Millenium Falcon, and it got to be too late to save anyone else, so Chewy gave up his spot on the Falcon’s last trip out to save one more person. Serpindal’s moon, altered from it’s natural orbit by the then-unknown Yuuzvan Vong invasion, crashed into the planet, destroying both. Chewebacca met the incoming moon/planet collision with a defiant roar, and was atomized upon impact. That, my friends, is hardcore. End geekmission.

    Red Delicious’s last blog post..One Tug Means Pull Me Up, Two Tugs Means I’m Out of Air

  70. How very witchdoctor of him. That beats the breadmaker my dad gave me by a thousand miles. How did you get such a cool family? Sigh…sometimes I wonder what I did wrong in a past life.

    melistress’s last blog post..I like your eyes….

  73. I had to actually *think* about this comment because at first there were no words. But honestly…your dad giving you this gift, on the way to a funeral, “for christmas”, in June…now that i’ve read this I completely *get* you.

  76. Now I know what to put on my Christmas List for this year. I won’t get it because people never get me the stuff I really want. Last year I wanted a fedora made of prosciutto, but all I got was a lot of useful crap like shirts and underwear and stuff. Christmas blows at my house.

    IB’s last blog post..A friend has a need; let’s rally, people!

  77. Well, today is father’s day…would it be completely inappropriate to regift both items to Victor? A couple of changes to the bobcat skull (maybe add a tie around the bear trap) and whoa…it has dad written all over it.

  78. Fuck. I was going to send you a bobcat head too, but I sent those lame books instead. That’s OK, my in-laws in Tyler probably need a new one.

  80. Why are the creepy dolls always in your pictures? Actually, if you could have placed one peeking over the edge of the box of books, that would have been awesome…

    So, what are Victor’s plans for showing what a good Father he is on this lovely Father’s Day?

  83. That is so awesome, and should be your totem animal because it is just like you: not afraid to look at anything, no matter now scary, celebrating life in all its complexity (the candy canes!) and also the confidence wig. I love it and now I love your dad too.

  84. Just when I think I know all the ways the Bloggess can fuck with my head…bobcat happens. And a manslaughtered pomeranian. If you are looking for somewhere to unload those books, my 6th graders would totally dig them. Except I couldn’t really tell them where they came from because they don’t know bobcats like Hailey does, you know? I’m just sayin.’

    Middle-Aged-Woman’s last blog post..No More

  85. I am profoundly disturbed by that object…PROFOUNDLY. Does your father walk among us? Are we safe?

  86. If you hang that on your front door i will so steal it. i love it that much. not that i live in the same country or anything. I’m just sayin’…
    And how pre-funeral appropriate is that of your dad? Cool.
    Do you think Hailey might take after Grampa and become a taxidermist?! I’m reading the Soul’s Code right now, and it keeps referring to little *signs* showing up in our childhood referring to what our calling is in life. *Bobcat skull* Need I say more? Or I could be wrong. Maybe ask her! Lemme know. I’m interested now, yo.
    Have a great day & LOVE your blog(s)!
    Leel

    leel’s last blog post..this post is not a post, or an update

  88. My step-daughter would be all over the bobcat skull and I would reluctantly not arm wrestle her for it because as awesome as my hubby is – he wouldn’t be as thrilled with it and it would probably give the wee daughter nightmares. It’s very Nightmare Before Christmas which means its awesome. Halloween should be integrated into ALL the holidays because … just because, there really is no other reason.

    annie’s last blog post..couple things got me thinking

  90. Your entire life was explained in one post…
    I hope your daughter can somehow skim the system, or marries well and gets the help she is bound to need later in life 🙂

    that’s just messed up, in a very awesome way.

  97. Holy Christ, you Christmas Bobcat head may be the scariest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. I think I may actually need to step away from the internet for a while to recuperate. I may never be the same again.

    Jennifer’s last blog post..What Family Means to Me

  99. That bobcat-deer thing is .. the coolest mussed up thing I have ever laid eyes on.

    I kind of want one. And by “kind of” I mean that’s all I’m asking for, for christmas this year. 8D

  100. That looks just like the bobcat skull that was stolen off of my front door last Xmas! Is this like being flamongoed but in reverse?

  101. I think your Dad is awesome. I aspire to his level of awesomeness. I found a wallaby skull on our recent trip to Kangaroo Island and I think I will make something special for my son…

    A Free Man’s last blog post..Song for my father

  106. Would your dad make one of those for me? I need something to liven up the neighborhood holiday decorations; too many Nativity scenes and lighted reindeer. Maybe I will put the bobcat skull IN someone’s Nativity scene manger.

    Julie @ The Mom Slant’s last blog post..The Daddy Track

  109. The Spirit of Christmas moved through your father recently, in the beginning of Summer, and this is
    the result . . . . . .??!??
    How is the dude with lesser holidays, say President’s Day or Martin Luther King’s Holiday?
    I am guessing that Valentine’s Day is where he really shines.. . . .. .. though I am wary of defining “shines.”
    Wait ’til the people at Macy’s window design catch wind of this——they’ll be all over pop.

    Great skull decoration. If he were to break other candy canes and then glue them on the two he has, he could even get more intricate antlers:
    “Hyperbole is the essence of dead animal ornamentation.” (R.Buckminster Fuller)

  110. Are those bobcat prosthetic teeth or do bobcats just have fantastic oral hygiene?

  113. Re bobcat skull — mixed emotions because the bobcat is my high school mascot and I’m back living in my home town.

    All your sites look fine in Firefox to me.

    I would LOVE to see hidden camera videos of people’s reactions to your stuff when you have yardsales — unless, of course, you keep everything your dad gives you on account of the whole heirloom angle.

    Cynthia Yockey, A Conservative Lesbian’s last blog post..What Letterman is doing is mobbing, not humor — FIRE DAVID LETTERMAN

  116. I think your dad needs to make these in miniature for keychains. He could just use little mouse skulls and smaller candy canes.

    Also, Hailey is awesome.

  117. hey jenny! could you possibly send/link me to a good image of the skull for square croppies? as soon as I laid eyes on it it hissed at me “I AM YOUR NEW TWITTER AVATARRRR” and, well… I don’t want to anger it.

  120. That will make an excellent Halloween decoration. Maybe if you rig the authentic bobcat tongue to unfurl and offer halloween candy to all the little trick or treaters and then you can laugh your ass-off when then fall all over themselves trying to GET THE FUCK AWAY from the crazy house.

    Otherwise, that thing is just the most freakish item I’ve seen in quite some time.

    Catootes’s last blog post..why

  121. I laughed so hard when I read this I seriously almost threw up all over my computer. AND my daughter (age 3) saw the picture was excited about the bobcat. What the fuck is wrong with kids these days?!

    Sarah’s last blog post..Review: Marley and Me

  123. Actually I think your father is very thoughtful to get/make you a Christmas decoration so far in advance. That way you have around 5 months to figure out the *perfect* place to display it. I love thoughtful dads.

  131. I love that he specifies that it’s REAL bobcat tongue. Maybe I’m entirely too back-woods, but I do know that you can buy faux animal tongue, LOL… And have the nice people make it into whatever shape you want in your dead animal head.

    Jenny, should you ever need additional Christmas decoration ideas…. My grandmother makes little crocheted circles in red to put on the stuffed deer heads at their house. So it kinda looks like 15 Rudolphs are stuffed and on the walls during the holidays. 🙂 It would totally go with your Taxidermy-Filled-Christmas theme…

  132. I totally wasn’t planning on commenting since you already have 131 comments but then I read post. Brilliant shit. Seriously. I could probably be convicted of involuntary manslaughter of a cat because of that one time i ran the little fucker over.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..A Decade Later

  137. coincidentally, my dog makes wookie noises. i love him. but not the bobcat skull, that’s really gross.

  138. K so I was reading this in a room with the rest of my family and I started laughing and then I kind of stopped breathing for a while and they just looked at me like “What is HER problem” rather than actually worrying about me (whatever, breathing is for the weak). Anyways, I tried to explain but it just kind of came out as “Oh… my god… *laughter*… there’s… there’s a bobcat… with candy canes… and a tongue… and her kid… KNOWS bobcats… oh my god.”

    So now thanks to you my family thinks I’m deranged and might lock me up. Thanks.

    Sarah’s last blog post.."How does one become a butterfly? They have to want to learn to fly so much that you are willing to…"

  140. I’m going to ignore the spoiler b/c seriously? Chewbacca dies? About 25 years ago, I would have cried, now it just seems, well – of course he did.

    As for the bobcat – have to confess – missed the ‘that’s a real bobcat tongue’ portion of the program b/c, I couldn’t get over the tinsel hair. And, I may or may not be slightly disturbed that your 4 year old recognized it incognito for heaven’s sake.

  141. Pingback: Deluxe Lighting Bug Cage: Fail « Thursday Pass

  142. glad the novel doctor sent me here. I don’t generally laugh on Tuesdays. It’s this sorta quasi-religious fast I have that is more born out of a boring life than anything. Today I broke the fast. Must be Mardi Gras. Thanks for the laughs.

  143. Dear God, I’ve only known you for 2 days and I think I’m in love with you.

  144. Dear God, woman. I’ve only known you 2 days and I’m in love with you.

  147. I find this doubly amusing because even though I’m no Star Wars fanatic, I have also wondered idly what Chewbacca was thinking at various points. My wife absolutely hates the sight or thought of him (that noise is thus made even more tempting to do whenever I yawn), so I spend more time thinking of Wookiees than I otherwise would.

    And that bobcat skull is the kind of thing poor people would be more likely than others to decorate with, after they got done eating the bobcat roadkill. They’d probably have sticks for antlers, though, because what kind of horrible poor people would they be if they used perfectly good foodstuffs as decorations?

    On an unnecessary side note that ties this all together, I’m pretty sure a Wookiee would eat that, whether poor or not.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..I’ve got your Father’s Day right here…

  148. So officially, what kind of drugs are you smoking? Are you smokin’ the AIDs drug?

  150. I have no words, but I couldn’t just leave this post without leaving a comment.
    Melinda
    *laughing too hard to speak*

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  152. hysterical.
    i once randomly received a case of pepsi (and i’m a coke girl) in the mail and a note attached said, “you’re one in million,” their marketing thing back then… one in a million who drink pepsi. which i thought was really funny, given that i don’t drink pepsi.

    patty’s last blog post..animal planet

  153. I hope you are happy- you are now soley responsbile for us getting kicked out of the public library. And that’s saying a lot because they let the homeless in here and I think I saw one of them peeing in the corner.

    My kid had a take a break from his research to see why his mom was rolling on the floor laughing so fucking hard and then he saw the picture and now we are banned for life.

    Thanks Blogggess-THANKS.

    P.S. I want one!

    Zoe’s last blog post..How to lose friends and alienate people

  157. Why not trying writing in English instead of Valley Girl, you fucking dumb Ameritard.

  160. OK, my gameplan – to read the last four posts that I had missed, starting with this one.
    The reality – I laughed so hard, I cried – CRIED! Like REAL TEARS! – about that xmas bobcat. In part, because it reminds me of something my dad would do, sans the dead thing. Unfortunately, my husband started worrying that all the laughing would make me go into labor. Cause I’m eight months pregnant. And he’s a Nervous Nelly. So I got to finish reading this one, at least, but I’m not allowed to read anymore. Although it would be interesting to see if you could laugh me into making my water break cause that would be, like, the BEST bloggy award EVER! But let’s wait till I’m in my ninth month. Alright, be back tomorrow. After hubby leaves for work! I’ll keep 911 on speed dial, just in case…

    Jen@HappilyEverAfterLand’s last blog post..Be Thankful This Thing Doesn’t Have Smellivision

  161. I’ve been having an “episode” lately and while I’m on hold with my shrink, I cruise around your blog for a bit, get to this post and laugh until I weep, which made the receptionist at the therapists office question whether my self-diagnosed “Depression” is accurate.

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  164. Just found this linked in another post. That might well be the best random present ever. I was in my mid-teens when I heard Chewbacca would die in the next book & that was it for me. Never read a Star Wars book beyond that, though I see a number in there I did read. 🙂

  165. I disagree, The Bounty Hunter series were awesome! Now that I just outed myself as a Star Wars nerd I have to say I haven’t read many more of the books, except for Death Troopers which was about zombie storm troopers!

  166. Thanks for the spoilers! I’m only on the first book!!!! Love your blog by the way! This has been my source of entertainment at work for the past week!

  167. An insight into my mind:
    I see the pic of the cool Christmas decoration your Dad gave you. Instantly jealous.
    It’s possibly *the* best wreath for front door alternative ever.
    Then I read that the black thing in its mouth is a real bobcat tongue.
    And that is apparently my line…

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This month’s book club picks are fire. For @fantasticstrangelings we have Lucky Red by @claudia.cravens and for @nightmaresfromnowhere we’re sending you Dead Eleven by @jimmyjulianobooks
Advice from Dorothy Barker: Go outside and find the sunset. Touch the grass. Bark at squirrels. Pee aggressively while staring at the neighbors. Eat a bug. The usual.
Instagram makes suggested reels based on old content and I assume most people have beautiful vacation photos or wedding compilations, but this is what they suggested for me.
Sitting in ihop after graduation and “who’s gonna drive you home” comes over the sound system and now I’m lightly weeping into my pancakes but I’M FINE.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Coolest American Stories 2023: If you want a book of unputdownable, unpretentious, full-length short stories, we got ya covered. Our 2022 volume went to a 3rd printing; readers are singing this volume’s praises, too.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: Just read it. Trust me.

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