I’m in Japan and too sleep-deprived to come up with a good title. Also, I’m very, very grumpy.

So I’m still in Japan.  Day 847.  Or Day 6.  Something like that.  All the days blend together here because my nights and days are still mixed up and I haven’t slept more than 3 hours at a time and it all feels like I’m trapped in a weird Hunter S. Thompson story except that there are less drugs and more puddings that look like boobies and I spent the day disguised as a Japanese prostitute.  Those links both take you to my satirical sex column, by the way, because they’re paying for all the really fucked up parts of this trip.  Thanks, Eden Fantasys!  Now my husband wants to divorce me for all the horrific places I’ve drug him in the name of being an “International Correspondent”.  By the way, I think I got crabs from a Japanese sex house.  Except it’s on my right hand…not my “special lady garden”, thank God.  Can you get crabs on your hands?  Because it itches like hell.  It might be poison ivy.  Or leprosy.  Either way, my hand is probably going to fall off.  I asked a doctor in a shop around the corner for something for it and he just shook his head and said something in Japanese which I’m pretty sure translates to “OMG that is totally crabs of the hand.  Your hand is going to wither away and fall off.  What, did you piss off a gypsy or something?  You’re totally fucked.”  Victor said he just didn’t speak English and was asking me to stop waving my hand in his face.  Probably because I’ve got super-contagious-crab-hand and now they probably won’t let me back on the plane to come back to America.  These are the things I think about at night when I’m not sleeping.  That, and the fact that Japan is totally fucked up. And amazing beautiful.  But slightly more fucked up.  Like, in Japan you’re just walking down the street and this just happens:

"Hello.  I'm here to eat your head off."

"Oh, hello. I'm here to eat your head off."

Then someone tries to charge you $50 for this monstrosity:

"Oh, Hello.  I still have a face."

"Oh, hello. I still have a face."

And then you end up dressed as a Japanese courtesan:

"Oh hello.  This is me.  No shit."

"Oh hello. This is me. With an opium pipe. No shit."

Also, we almost got murdered in our beds one night by people who cut the lock off our door with bolt cutters at 2am.  Victor says I should have lead with that.  I think Victor should get his own damn blog and stop back-seat-driving me.  I might just be grumpy though.  I need sleep.  And some Mexican food.  You can’t find a chimichanga here to save your life.   I could open a Taco Cabana here and make a fortune.

PS. When you ask for a taco here it means something completely different. I was all “Yay!  Tacos!  I LOVE TACOS!” and then they handed me the balls of a octopus.  On a stick.  What the fuck, Japan?  Is there anything you won’t eat?

PPS.  Victor says it’s called “octopus balls” because it’s in the shape of a ball, not because they’re actual octopus testicles.  Apparently those are much more expensive.  Good to know.  I want to go home now.

Comment of the day: I can just imagine you opening a Taco Cabana in Japan. They’d be all “WTF? I ordered a taco and they gave me a big cracker with hamburger on it. There wasn’t any octopus in it at all.” ~ Steve

113 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Today, I was meeting with a professor. Upon sitting in a computer chair that was in there, I was unable to keep from twisting in it…immediately, I thought oh, god, Jenny’s right and now I’m not going to listen to anything coming out of this man’s mouth.

  2. After they tried to cut the lock off your door did they apologize profusely? I felt like such an asshole in Japan because everyone was so polite. Also, because I am sort of an asshole.
    .-= Libby´s last blog ..Totally Insane Decision =-.

  3. you should totally get on the plane looking like that. With the opium pipe and everything.

    They will be all ‘OMG A JAPANESE PROSTITUTE!’ and you will get the WHOLE DAMN ROW to yourself and that boofy thing that sits on your arse that you can smuggle in some octopus balls and MAKE A FORTUNE!

  4. I’m pretty sure that “drug” isn’t the past tense of “dragged”. Unless I totally misunderstood the whole 80s “just say NO campaign”.
    .-= Marinka´s last blog ..Working Girl =-.

  5. Yes, but did you eat the octopus balls?
    .-= tokenblogger´s last blog ..This time it was different… =-.

  6. no, there’s nothing we won’t try. wait. perhaps I shouldn’t speak on behalf of the nation.

    I think you should try to find the big squid on a stick. Yum.
    .-= jen´s last blog ..Chocolate Chip Cookie [MONSTER] =-.

  7. Oh my goodness. I’m moved to comment just because there are so few and I can’t beleive I will be this far up the chain. I wish I had something wicked funny to write. Instead, I’ll just spin in my office chair and dream of octopus testicles.

  8. She doesn’t need the Japanese prostitue outfit to score an entire row for herself. Sounds like one wave of the rotting crab hand should be more than enough.
    .-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..Wisdom =-.

  9. That fish freaks me out in multiple ways. Now my face itches. Eek!

  10. I can just imagine you opening a Taco Cabana in Japan. They’d be all “WTF? I ordered a taco and they gave me a big cracker with hamburger on it. There wasn’t any octopus in it at all.”
    .-= Steve´s last blog ..#98 Side Effects =-.

  11. I am so jealous of your title. Is that something you can forever write after your name? You know, like a degree? Because if so, from now on, you should sign everything, “Jenny, International Sex Correspondent.”
    .-= Andrea´s last blog .."The new pollution" =-.

  12. OMG did you actually eat this smily monster? I know who am I to say something about wierd food, but still – my food doesn’t normally smile.
    .-= Aleutie´s last blog ..Sauerkraut! =-.

  13. You want Mexican food? Srsly, Fonda de la Madrugada in Harajuku. They had the best chicken mole I’ve ever had in my life.

  14. In Japan, it’s polite to eat the tomatoes in your hair. I’m pretty sure of that. Let me know how it goes.
    .-= Mr Farty´s last blog ..Farty’s Friday Chart =-.

  15. You make a very lovely Japanese courtesan. When my wife sent me to Santa Monica Blvd Tranny Hooker Fantasy camp for my birthday, even though I wanted a MacBook Pro, the graduation pictures made me look almost kind of cheap. Also I blinked, but it wasn’t my fault because I had a glob of mascara in my eye at the time. By the way, did you do that team building exercise where someone holds your dick back while you apply the duct tape? ah, the friendships I forged that day…

    By the way, you’ll probably be interested to know that Super Contagious Crab Hand! is Japan’s most popular game show, AND it’s top-selling energy drink, so I applaud your efforts to assimilate. Of course, I can applaud you because I myself never contracted Super Contagious Crab Hand, so I still have two left.

  16. As a Japanese prostitute you are so festively wrapped up. Like a big bedazzled birthday present with boonus pool toys! A Japanese “client” must need written instructions to drill down to the “special lady garden” level and by the time he gets there, he’s too tired to do anything. Hey! Wait just a minute…ah ha! Pretty smart, those Japanese prostitutes!
    .-= Linnnn´s last blog ..Even More Spoor at the Door (Still Stalling) =-.

  17. it is called CaliBALLri.
    .-= William´s last blog ..Man Challenge =-.

  18. Oh look! You’re updating! That’s good news, because I was sitting in the corner shaking and sweating and just waiting for a new post.

    Or maybe I was waiting for some opium.

    Also, my boyfriend has now started saying “So-sue-me-I’m-awesome” as a comeback. To EVERYTHING. Thanks for that. 😉
    .-= txtingmrdarcy´s last blog ..This is Crap of the Highest Degree. If Crap Can Have Degrees. But Wait, Wouldn’t They Be Low As Crap Is Generally Negative And- Oh Eff It. =-.

  19. Surely the Japanese naturopaths would’ve recognised Hand Crabs. I mean, their Oirans wear to much stuff to do anything more than handjoes.
    .-= Leesh´s last blog ..The Horror, The Karma, The Window Washers and my breakfast. =-.

  20. Yepper, you’re having fun. It beats West Virginia, right? Embrace the teeth! The food looks good too, enjoy that and tell us all about it. You are such a whiner, but I still lilke you. Now eat your way through Japan! Hello?!!
    .-= Michele´s last blog ..Quilts For Kids Charity =-.

  21. What about that pufferfish delicacy? The one that can kill you. Have you tried that, yet? I mean, not that I’m wishing an ill fate upon you (that sounded kind of fortune-cookie-esque…oh, shit. Japan, right. Nevermind).

    Maybe you should invite the people who broke into your room out to dinner…let them try the pufferfish all, “totally my treat.”
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..you’re famous?! hell no. hand it over. =-.

  22. Hmmm. No one above is squeeing at your Oiran picture. Is it bad form to squee? If it is, then I must profusely apologize because *squee* you look great! (Not that you don’t ordinarily look great, or good, but that is one hell of a photo :p )

  23. You should try Chicken Pecker. It’s… totally not octopus balls.
    .-= ajnabi´s last blog ..Nuvvostanante Nenoddantana, or, Joint Review Time Again! =-.

  24. Oh Bloggess, but are you *Big In Japan*?

    Yeah and unless you know who Alphaville is this probably won’t make any sense. And yeah, even if you do know who Alphaville is it still may not make any sense.
    .-= meredith groenevelt´s last blog ..maybe next year =-.

  25. I was having withdrawal DT’s….and this installment & the transformation story were soooo hilarious, it might tide me over til you get back!

    And I make it a policy to never eat anything that is looking back at me.
    .-= Paula´s last blog ..Halloween 2009 =-.

  26. Wow, is that REALLY you in that make-up? I know you said “No shit” but really? No shit? Wow.

    There was never any real draw for me to visit Japan and you, my dear, have sufficiently killed any teensy bit I might have once harbored. So yay! Thanks for destroying another expensive vacation. I can now be THAT much more delighted to visit my parents’ house 30 minutes away instead of some exotic foreign country…
    .-= tracey´s last blog ..Peee-youuuu =-.

  27. This post left me with so many questions. The biggest one being, why the hell did someone cut your door open at 2am?! How do you even respond to something like that, besides having a full blown panic attack?

    Octopus balls?! The fuck? Oh and that fish smothered in what I can only guess was vomit is probably the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen on a plate. Please PLEASE tell me you didn’t eat that. And I’m totally lost on how the Japanese prostitues are supposed to be hot? You totally rocked it though.
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Moronic Monday – Where should you hide your cell phone? In your butt crack of course! =-.

  28. Don’t watch this right before sleep, it’ll give you nightmares.

    .-= Sharon Rose´s last blog ..Whoops =-.

  29. I was so glad to see an update on your blog. Every day I start my day by reading your blog and now it’s like my whole day is thrown off. You didn’t tell us what that quilt thing they stuffed down your shirt is for. Is it for if you get cold? Or maybe it’s in case you can’t find a hotel room you can just throw your quilt down and get down to business anywhere? Just asking. I just hope you don’t starve to death while you’re there because if I were you I totally would not eat boob flavored pudding, octopus balls, or that zombie fish skeleton looking thing. Geez, no wonder they are all so skinny.
    .-= Sonya´s last blog ..My Crochet "Favrielle" Doll Makes Her Debut! =-.

  30. I was so glad to see an update on your blog. Every day I start my day by reading your blog and now it’s like my whole day is thrown off. You didn’t tell us what that quilt thing they stuffed down your shirt is for. Is it for if you get cold? Or maybe it’s in case you can’t find a hotel room you can just throw your quilt down and get down to business anywhere? Just asking. I just hope you don’t starve to death while you’re there because if I were you I totally would not eat boob flavored pudding, octopus balls, or that zombie fish skeleton looking thing. Geez, no wonder they are all so skinny.

  31. Hilarious,

    I have only just found your site and love it as much as bedroom activities with the light on.

    Very funny writing style and, like stoners newly arrived in Amsterdam, I look forward to what the future holds.
    .-= Jonny | thelifething.com´s last blog ..My Friend, You And I Are Losers…But It’s Ok Don’t Cry =-.

  32. Off topic and totally random, but I’m too lazy to look for your email address, so I’m posting a comment instead. I saw this article and immediately thought that you had to read it.
    Get this! Girl bats give blow jobs! It’s true! And this article even has video!

  33. I say smoke the opium in that pipe until you forget about your soon-to-be nub and Victor is driving you down 59 to the nearest taqueria. Then your advice column could include how to kick the dragon and the sex column would chronicle what western medicine does about crab-hand, since we know that eastern medicine just waits till your hand drops off because you were too lit on opium to go to a real doctor. Oh, and I was all over XVideos last week (helping you out is going to be the angle with my hubby when he finds out this time) and you need to investigate about how a bunch of these Japanese doctors drug their patients and then do all kinds of sex shit with them while they’re passed out and they film it. Swear. So I guess the question is, do you save your hand at the risk of being chloroformed and molested even if you could totally do an Eden Fantasys expose?
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..LMFAO Friday ~ Rememberance Edition =-.

  34. I absolutely LOOOVE the Orion – Oraceoan? Oreian? costume/make-up/get-up. I’m dying to know Victor’s reaction? Did he totally start unwrapping you for a passionate hand job/love making fest? Also, how long did it take? Not the passion-stuff, but the unwrapping? I bet that was a fiasco!! hee hee.
    .-= Em´s last blog ..Perspective =-.

  35. Me and you and that fish have so much in common. I mean, we ALL still have faces.

    I assume.
    .-= Keely´s last blog ..Is anybody even bothering to take bets on my novel-writing abilities? (Random Tuesday Thoughts) =-.

  36. Great. Now I feel like an asshole for jinxing you with that leprosy shit.
    .-= nicole antoinette´s last blog ..daylight savings time, regrets, and the search for the country’s best mac & cheese =-.

  37. Scabies my friend…. not crabs…. scabies.

  38. Don’t let Victor fool you though, if they’re offering bulls balls, then it is actually testicles, not just rolled up bull.
    .-= Veronica´s last blog ..A big first =-.

  39. I was looking for evidence of right hand crabs, but you are holding an opium pipe in that hand, and hiding your left hand. Maybe you have crabs under the Japanese hooker blanket you are holding, on the left hand? I would have thought that the crab-hand thing would transform your right hand into a claw, sort of like when Gregor turned into a cockroach, except your hand would be a big red claw holding the opium pipe, not a dainty hand with crab funk hidden on the other side. Also, you need to talk to your make-up staff. They made you perfectly white, except your crab hand, which is unpleasantly pink and fleshy, though not covered in a hard shell.

    Sorry about your crabs. I hope they go away, but Gregor was never able to shake off his cockroach transformation, so maybe you should just figure out how to deal with life as a crab.

  40. killer killer post. Don’t ever leave Japan.

  41. What can I say…you’re just awesome no matter what Country you land in. And I think you should keep Victor just cause he makes a good ‘side kick’ lol
    .-= “Seattle” Heather´s last blog .. =-.

  42. The bloggess tweeted out a hilarious video with a guy goin nuts about the “mustache society” shaved his beard off , looked like beaker from the muppets cuz he had no chin and totally flipped his lid. Hilarious but I CANT FIND IT!! Please help…email cbp@interchanges.com

  43. I’ve missed you! I came over every day to check to see whether you still remembered us. I also went to your Sex column but I didn’t want to leave a comment there. I’m afraid I may get scabies. First of all, the taco balls are delicious! I bet Victor was happy to have them all to himself. And I am going to spend the rest of this comment screaming about how gorgeous you look. NOW, I finally understand why some men have Yellow Fevers. With you done up like that, I think I am growing an Asian fetish now too. We will be SO HOT on the porn circuit: two Asian chicks doing each other? Come on!
    .-= submom´s last blog ..“The Simple Grace of Sharing a Meal” Or, My first gig as a guest blogger =-.

  44. I once made sexytime in Japan with octopus balls.

    Or was that sexytime with Octopus who had Japanese balls?

    Either way, sexytime equals WIN.
    .-= Ed Adams´s last blog ..Friday…..My 100th Post….yay me =-.

  45. So, I found the moustache video on my own. Or is it “mustache” . I dont really care what its called cuz its hilarious. (like I mentioned in my post above if you werent paying attention) anywho….here it is :

  46. please..say you didnt eat the faces fish..err*..the fishs face…
    .-= danielle´s last blog ..60 strockes with the whip..and i dont mean the sexy ones =-.

  47. Oh, god that made me howl. I am sort of swaying for feeling sorry for the doctor (if he was one, might have been a butcher, travel sales man or else) who you were waving your hand at or for your poor hand.
    .-= Mel´s last blog ..8 things: Saints and Sinners =-.

  48. Has anyone offered you Pokari Sweat? I think that’s how you spell it. It’s a sports drink, like Gatorade.
    .-= TheExpatresse´s last blog ..My Favorite Moscow Museum: Decorative, Applied, and Folk Art =-.

  49. Have you checked to see if colliary is a Japanese word? Maybe it works even better there!

  50. Maybe the hotel dudes tried to break into your room at 2am because you were making too much noise scratching that awesome crabby hand of yours.

    News gets around, and they probably just wanted to see it.
    .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Signs of stupidity =-.

  51. “Super Contagious Crab-Hand” would be a great name for a rock band.

    So would “Taco Octopus Ball Popcicles” and “The Surprise Head-Eating Street Dragons,” come to think of it.

    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Motivational Filler – Humor =-.

  52. I went to a Mexican restaurant in Shinjuku in Tokyo and asked for tacos and they totally gave me fajitas instead – when I asked for my tacos they were all, these are tacos dude…
    But taco yaki (octopus ball) flavoured crisps, sorry ‘potato chips’, are delicious! Go to Family Mart right now and try em! There’s a 24 hour Family Mart on every street in Tokyo, no lie! If it’s not there, there’s probably a 7/11 instead… They really put the convenience in, um, convenience store down here!
    .-= Natalie´s last blog ..TRUE STORIES =-.

  53. I understand and appreciate your humor, but need to say some of your Japan stuff sounds really racist and is just not cool. Isn’t there a way to have fun without relying on cheap and damaging stereotypes about an entire country of people?

  54. Onegaishimasu, can I have a hit off that opium pipe?
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Putting to Rest the Ghost in the Ghost Town =-.

  55. Here’s hoping you start getting more sleep. But even sleep deprived you give good blog! My husband (who spent time in Japan) loved your octopus ball comment about Japan eating just about anything. He nodded as I read that aloud and say, “She’s right. They’ll eat just about anything!”
    .-= Jane´s last blog ..Jane’s Own Make A Difference Saturday =-.

  56. More reasons not to move to Japan. I can’t eat things where I can still see their faces. But I might be able to smoke opium. Wait. Let me think some more.

  57. I heard those Octopus Balls are really good. I am totally living vicariously through your Japan trip.

  58. Come back to Texas! Houston misses you 🙂

  59. Why are people talking about spinning in a chair…did I miss something? Also tweeted this to you but will say it here.
    That big quilt thingy stuffed down your top is actuall I giant napking to clean up after all the hand jobs!

    That fish looks pissed off about what it is wearing.
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..My Broken Goul =-.

  60. There I go again…thinking I don’t need the last letter of any given word…actually, not actuall.
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..My Broken Goul =-.

  61. Oh no! I’m very Sumimasen for your empty eye holes, little fish monster.
    .-= Steam me up, kid´s last blog ..Awesomely Bad High School Diary, Vol 3: This disease is tearing us apart =-.

  62. The opium has opened up some strange new ideas for you like anyone thought THAT was possible. enjoy the rest of your visit hopefully with less eyeballs
    .-= habanerogal´s last blog ..No the plane didn’t crash and my mama didn’t send me to mah room =-.

  63. You look absolutely lovely as a geisha girl. I am very jealous of Victor atm, but I’m also glad you are his problem, not mine. I mean that in the good way…..

  64. 65
    Linty McLints A lot

    Jenny! You so can get crabs on your hands. I think. Well I know you can get herpes on your hands. I swear google it. I thought I had poison ivy or poison sumac and was treating it with anti-itch cream. I ended up at the doctor for a bacterial infections and the doctor saw the bumps on my hands. With a quick prick they were able to determine it was Herpes of the hands. The funny part was I was at work when the doctor called, I started laughing like crazy. My co-worker then asked why i was laughing and I told her I had my test results. she actually said “is it hand herpes?” ding ding ding! we have a winner!

    They prescribed some serious horse valtrex to take care of it. I swear I’m not dirty! I guess when my immune system is weakened I get a herpes break out on my hands. Like cold sores on your lip. But the hand herpes doesn’t get a secret code name because no one like admitting they have herpes on their lip.

    Don’t worry I took care of the mushroom in my belly button. I fed it to my boyfriend in his salad. thats what he gets for poking fun at me in the first place. Here I am telling you about hand herpes and mushrooms in my belly button. I swear I am a very clean person. I am actually a germ-freak. I know my hand and belly button would tell you otherwise.

    Can we be friends? I can teach you how to grow mushrooms in your belly button.

  65. This is only marginally relevant (like relevance is even relevant around here) but when I was pregnant with my first child, my downstairs neighbor talked to my husband about my morning sickness and said she had “just the thing” to fix it. The thing she had turned out to be octopus chili. Alas, I didn’t take her up on on her generous offer so I am unable to report on what parts of the octopus said chili might have utilized. I have, however, been telling this lame story for 21 years every time anyone mentions octopus in any context.
    .-= Masked Mom´s last blog ..The Nose Is Running, The Brain Is Not =-.

  66. On a recent business trip to China, my all-American meat ‘n potatoes BIL was served pigeon at a restaurant. With the head and feet still attached. He hasn’t been right since.

    Thinkin’ we all need more information about the bolt cutting incident. Or was it a lack-of-sleep hallucination?
    .-= Junk Drawer Kathy´s last blog ..Hi. It’s Windy. Did You Miss Me? =-.

  67. Japan seems kind of cool if you ask me…I can’t find an Opium pipe here in the states to save my life. Wicked awesome! And you found the #1 gift idea for Christmas. I’m getting all my friends some Japanese pudding…not only tasty but a conversation piece at Christmas dinner 🙂
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..The Cat-Dog and What I Did Today =-.

  68. I do not eat anything that still has a face. Nope. Not gonna do it. Nuh-uh.

  69. I always order shrimp at the sushi bar. Then they bring this little plate with some weird thing on it and point to it and then the shrimp on my plate. So I ate both. One day my mother saw me do it and said What Is That On The Little Plate and I replied in perfect Japanese, Fuck If I Know. So I asked and it was the deep friend head of the shrimp and no I don’t really speak Japanese but those head are really crunchy.
    .-= Suzy´s last blog ..It’s Everybody Can Bite Me Friday! =-.

  70. Oh yeah, dear B, the answer to your question is “no”
    .-= Suzy´s last blog ..It’s Everybody Can Bite Me Friday! =-.

  71. Um, more about the bolt cutting incident, please. I always felt really, uncomfortably safe in Japan. Of course, I wasn’t in a major city, but it’s supposed to be a pretty safe place to be all around.
    .-= LS´s last blog ..Low Doesn’t Even Describe It =-.

  72. It’s almost like being there, but without the vomit, bolt cutters and sleeping bag clothing.
    You make a stunning Japanese hooker. I’d do you. But only if you kept on the shoes.

  73. Why did you wrestle that poor Japanese woman’s legs off?
    .-= SwedishSkier´s last blog ..Tala bara svenska =-.

  74. If food with faces scare you, never come to the Philippines. Now, I love my home country, and Filipino food is amazing, but we eat eat everything. Pork blood? Look up Dinuguan. Bull testicles? Look up Soup #5. Goat innards and bile? Papaitan. Last but not least, duck foetuses in its shell? OH YEAH. Balut is the best. Japan is much weirder than the Philippines in many respects, but when it comes to food, we always top the Weird Food List.

  75. 76
    The Original Lisa

    I totally wouldn’t have recognized you except for your hands. Here’s a tip, if you rob a bank wearing your geisha outfit, make sure and wear gloves. Plus it will keep your hand crabs from escaping.

  76. Oh Jen. I heart you despite your hand crabs. In America we’re very tolerant of people with disabilities, so I’m pretty sure you’ll be ok getting back here. Once you get settled in, see if you qualify for disability from the government. Because your job is to type, and WHO CAN TYPE WITH HAND CRABS? I feel for ya.


  77. In an attempt to ease tensions between you and V try ordering Coke light… It’s the closest thing we have to Diet Coke. Not quite as good but should help with the withdrawals.

  78. I can’t believe they made Japanese prostitutes carry their own bedding with them. Seems the least the john could do is bring his own damn quilt.
    .-= califmom´s last blog ..Betwixt My Perpetual Crankiness, I’ve Been Window Shopping On Your Behalf =-.

  79. Will you be doing a post soon on Japanese food in Mexico? Hope so.
    .-= azahar´s last blog ..what fall fruit or vegetable are you? =-.

  80. Oh my gosh! So I’ve totally missed you! You don’t know me, of course, and wouldn’t have missed me at all. So happy was I to see a new blog post and then actually have the joy of reading THREE. Awesomeness. Keep your eye open for animae porn. Supposedly its everywhere and just not a big deal. Oh and if you see Hidecki Matsui over there – hitter for the Yankees – could you do something to him that would make him unable to play baseball. I hate that guy.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Sun: We need to talk. =-.

  81. You should most definitely open a Taco Cabana in Japan… you would make some serious money. Although, you may or may not need to learn Japanese or constantly have that woman around you that doesn’t get anything out of being with you and therefore must be out to kill you… but it may be worth all that money.
    .-= Belle´s last blog ..Don’t worry, I’m still pregnant! =-.

  82. Wow, Japan sounds amazing! Makes me totally want to go. That fish is, um, disgusting. If you open a Taco Cabana, just promise to not be overcome by the Japanese people and start selling those horrible fish encased in taco shells. That’s just sick. Why would you ever want to eat food that looks at you?
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Happy Halloween!! =-.

  83. Oh, Jenny, you do look beautiful =)

  84. I fear an international incident.

  85. Your blogs, photos, and Twitter posts from Japan are hysterical; you should win many awards for these. And you make a beautiful geisha! But what is with that quilt thing? And I, too, want to hear more about why someone cut the lock off your hotel room door at 2 am! What’s with that? And did you buy your pearls? Don’t leave Japan without some pearls, or you’ll be kicking yourself later. (no, not the Barbara Bush pearls…) Oh, and that Google translation of the Portuguese article sucked. I’m using my BA in Portuguese (it seemed like a good idea at the time) to send you a better translation. But they think you’re awesome, too. Hope you get 1st class on your return. (Oh, you might want to read Shogun on your return….and Memoirs of a Geisha–great book, by the way, and those geisha did have sex…..)
    Texas misses you!

  86. So, I dressed as a geisha for Halloween, and I was all proud of myself because I thought I looked authentic. And then I saw this, and now I realize that I just looked like a cheap hooker with a kimono. THANKS.
    .-= Erin´s last blog ..You Capture: Anything Goes =-.

  87. 88

    Sooooo . . . . they made you up to be an Oiran, a high class prostitute.

    But in that same studio they could have made you up instead to be an Oshichi:

    ” Oshichi is a girl who is capital punishment for arson. This true story for her death which was setting fire. Generally she had described cutely town girl.”(from the website, verbatim)

    And I am thinking, “MiGod. How did they NOT recognize a natural-born Oshichi when they had one?!!??”
    Somebody obviously fucked up on this one.

    Nice transformation, just the same—–
    Godzilla would have eaten you up.

  88. I’ve had business transactions with Japanese prostitutes and they looked nothing like that.
    .-= Josh Almighty´s last blog ..Executive Luncheon =-.

  89. Dude, you PAID for OctoBalls??!?! You could have totally gotten them here for FREE!!
    Eh.. well…just dont bring any of that Japanese “wear Halloween costumes everyday on the street” thing back with you! Or the Crabs…yea take care of that shit BEFORE you get home! I’m not even bullshitting! 🙂
    I wish you SLEEP Jenny-san…
    Oh and dont let Victor sleep with any prossies…TRUST me on that one!
    .-= BlackBird´s last blog ..10 Things To Do With a Severed Thumb =-.

  90. Come back to America, we need you here.

  91. Did it take you like 3 hours to get that make up off? Did you have to sleep with anyone to dress up as a Geisha? You should have so that you could get the true “experience”
    .-= Windsor´s last blog ..Seriously creepy…and googley eyes =-.

  92. it might be gonorrhea of the hand. or just a yeast infection. not that i would know. but if you google itchy hands, it’ll probably refer you to a site that would diagnosis your hands with a venereal disease or cancer. either way, i’m sure they have a holistic cure for it on one of the side streets there in japan. or maybe, the cure is octopus balls?
    anyway. you’re a pretty geisha.
    .-= melissa´s last blog ..Whether Or Not You Are Cheating, At Least Clear The History On Your Computer =-.

  93. I have nothing witty to say, I have just come here for general blogger-not-worthiness ala Waynes World. Thusly, I have positioned myself lying face down on the floor facing East to worship in your general direction. (Japan is East, Right?)
    .-= @marymac´s last blog ..Easy Like Sunday Morning =-.

  94. 50 bucks seems like a lot for a sea monster.

    At least he’s sort of smiling.
    .-= J.D. Meier´s last blog ..Lessons Learned from John =-.

  95. Nothing’s worse than a back-seat blogger, except, possibly…back-seat crabs.
    .-= Makya´s last blog ..Odd Ghost Out =-.

  96. They say that an octopus is smarter than a human, but I never see a human being sold on a stick.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..If you only knew what I was going to say =-.

  97. You should be glad all you got was Crab Hand and that some dead watery tart with a chip on her rotting shoulder who got gruesomely murdered by her husband isn’t crawling through the shadows of your room to drag your soul to hell.

    Although that might be less painful than the fish with a face dinner thing.
    .-= Coco´s last blog ..I Think Jillian Michaels May Be Some Kind of Voodoo Priestess =-.

  98. This, I LIKE!

    This is classic personality based marketing. If business owners could connect with their audience like you do through story, they’d create a cult following. This is my first time here and I’m hooked.

    I’m anxiously awaiting the next installment of your adventure.

    Now, I’m off to explore and see what I can learn from your sex site.
    .-= Note Taking Nerd #2´s last blog ..Dan Kennedy Speaks On Laziness =-.

  99. Um, please to explain the part about the bolt cutters at 2am. Because I have serious anxiety about getting murdered and eaten while staying in a hotel room and I could use a good story to fan those flames.

  100. Okay, so this just made me remember all those times when the Japanese shoved suspicious-looking food down my throat more than once when I was there. And what is it about the Japanese and uncooked food? I had to be “polite” and swallow raw oysters, raw eggs, and whatnot. Have you tried the natto? It is so disgusting I can still feel the slime 12 years after. But I’d love to go back to Japan again. What can I say, I’m a masochist.
    .-= Miss Guimba´s last blog ..On Social Maven Stuff and Addiction and Blogging =-.

  101. I thought you are back? How come it’s still this one? No matter. I just re-read it again and looked at the pictures again. Come on! Everybody knows you don’t SLEEP to get over jet lag. You get over it by staying up all night and write awesome blogs until you keel over. Really. Honest.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Things I should be doing instead of agonizing over falling behind for NaBloPoMo… =-.

  102. “special lady garden”
    love it

  103. I’m a little worried Bloggess… I don’t know about crabs of the right hand. But you CAN get scabies! So like, if it’s not eczema it totally might be scabies and you better go to the doctor. Or herpes, unless that other commenter is lying.

    Plus with the RA and fucked up immune system don’t wait to see if it spreads to right elbow before you go to the damn doctor.
    .-= Stitch´s last blog ..Well it’s about damn time… =-.

  104. Your geisha portraits give a whole new meaning to “I think I’m turning Japanese. “

  105. Leave it to a Texan to go to Japan and immediately crave Tex-Mex. Can you get a good sangria?
    .-= heather´s last blog ..THIS is a super cute gift idea! Elf on the Shelf. =-.

  106. When I was in Madrid, I went to a restaurant to eat some Spanish food. I was just going to point at something that looked tasty on the menu… then I realized it was bull testicles. I figure those have to be some of the most “testicley” balls out there because bulls are so angry and full of testosterone. I didn’t want to become full of angry balls, so yeah, I went with the ribs.
    .-= Sonz´s last blog ..Yeah, you’d still be sickly =-.

  107. I found your blog from Angel of Harlots, another favorite of mine. THIS IS HILARIOUS! I lived in Japan for 4 months so I can very much identify with your experiences. Love your work!

    .-= AphroditeRising´s last blog ..Fuck you Father, I figured it out. =-.

  108. If you’re really desperate, there used to be (and probably still is) a Mexican restaurant in Hiroo in Tokyo, near the Mexican embassy.

    You’ve made me snort diet Coke out my nose. Again. I should learn not to read you and drink Diet Coke at the same time
    .-= Lawmommy´s last blog ..Panic Bells It’s Red Alert* =-.

  109. Good things to know if I ever get to Japan…pack lots of pop-tarts in your suitcase. I didn’t see pop-tarts on the prohibited list. Just rice and cobras, I think I’m good.
    .-= Buggys´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.

  110. Hey why not open a Taco place in Japan? They have McDonalds. They call french fries McFry Potato. True story.
    .-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..6 DIY Recycling Ideas for Non DIYres =-.

  111. That fish scares the fuck out of me. Now I will have nightmares about that fucking fish covered in orange sauce trying to kill me. Thanks.

    And what the hell happened with someone cutting the lock off your hotel room? I would sue for that shit.

    OOOH, maybe it was the King of Germany’s minions come to get you and throw you in prison because you want to take down his daughter?

    Royalty does that shit you know.

    All the time.

    They think they are above the law.
    .-= Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity´s last blog ..Shan’s Week ~ End Wordles =-.

  112. […]  Sort of.  Long story which I will probably start off and never finish.  Like that time when I almost told you about how Victor and I were practically murdered in our sleep in Japan?  Still in the draft folder.  BUT I’M TOTALLY WORKING ON IT, I SWEAR.  Also, I’ve […]

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