So this weekend Victor and I dropped Hailey off at her grandparents and went on a one-day vacation to the Stanley Hotel. (This is not a sponsored post, by the way. We totally paid for it ourselves. Which is why it was for only one day.) I’ve always wanted to go to the Stanley. It was the hotel that inspired Stephen King to write The Shining and it’s supposedly one of the most haunted locations in America. Hi. I am a tremendous dork.
Disclaimer: I’m too busy to write the whole thing out properly so instead I’m just copying straight from my journal. If you’re easily grossed out or don’t believe in ghosts you might want to skip this one.
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Last week: Victor called to get us a room and I told him we needed to be on the 4th floor because that one’s the most haunted and he looked at me like I was insane but turns out that the only room still left on the 4th floor was room 401, which was still available because it’s supposedly the most haunted room in the hotel. Victor says it was probably still available because it costs like $100 extra to stay in that room. Then I demanded that Victor book us that room and he was all “We’re not paying extra to sleep in a room you probably won’t even be able to sleep in” and I was like “BOOK THE DAMN HAUNTED ROOM OR I WILL BURN THE HOUSE DOWN” and he was all “You could use that extra money to get a massage at the spa” and I was like “Is it a haunted massage? Because if not these aren’t even remotely on the same level. I’m kind of baffled I’m having to explain this to you. Baffled” and he was all “Yeah, there’s a lot of that going around” and I was like “Just get us a haunted room, okay? But don’t get us the room where that man-bear-pig was giving the butler a blow-job. I don’t want to stay in that room” and he was all “…WTF?” and I was like “Dude, have you even seen The Shining? Why are we still talking? ORDER THE DAMN ROOM” and then he did. Probably because he was too stunned by my man-bear-pig-butler-blowjob retort to think straight. Which is why I said it. These are the things they should teach you in debate class.
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Arrived at the Stanley and went straight to the bar. I insisted in calling the bartender “Lloyd“. Victor thinks I’m insane. I think I need to buy Victor more books. The bartender somehow splashed booze on us but was very sweet about it. I considered making a joke about being surprised by “spirits” but I didn’t because I figured he probably gets that shit all the time. You fucking owe me, Lloyd.
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Checked into our room (401), which is supposedly haunted by the vaguely evil Lord Dunraven and the nanny prostitutes that stayed there. It’s the same room Jason from GhostHunters stayed in when the closet door opened and closed and his glass was shattered. According to legend, if women stand in the closet they are often molested by Lord Dunraven. Stood in the closet. Nothing. Loudly exclaimed “Oh! I seem to have forgotten to wear underwear.” Still nothing. Awesome. Now I just feel unattractive. Lord Dunraven is an asshole.
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Told Victor that I forgot to bring the EMF detector but that I did bring Hailey’s Mexican jumping beans and they’d probably work just as well at detecting ghosts because they jump when they’re hot or cold or angry so they probably jump when they feel ghosts too. Victor asked me why I think they jump when they’re angry so I shook them in their box to show him how they’d react. They just layed there. I explained that they were probably just stunned. Victor won’t stop sighing.
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There’s a ton of tour groups that keep stopping outside our door. The guide is telling them about how haunted the room is. Victor starts scratching on the door and making strangling noises. I do love that man. I felt bad for all the people who were going on the tours but couldn’t see our room so I invited 42 people into my hotel room so they could all attempt getting groped unwillingly. Feels a lot like college.
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Went on the History/Ghost Tour with our adorable tour guide (Kevin) who probably quit right after we left. He was really excited to be able to show us room 217 (the room Stephen King stayed in when he came up with The Shining) because it’s almost always booked so we explored it while Kevin told us that one couple had left in the middle of the night after the ghost of “Mrs. Wilson” crawled in between the two of them in their bed. Kevin subtly explained that the couple was unmarried and that Mrs. Wilson was old-fashioned and probably just didn’t like unmarried couples sharing a bed. Then I said “Or maybe she just likes threesomes” and I thought I just said it in my head but apparently I said it out loud because everyone looked at me strangely and so Kevin tried to change the subject by pointing out that this was the room in The Shining where the corpse was floating in the bathtub and jokingly asked if anyone wanted to get in the bathtub and so I totally ran into the bathroom and Victor was all “What the fuck are you doing?” and I was all “I’m trying to beat the rush” and he was like “NO ONE ELSE IS GETTING IN THE BATHTUB. KEVIN WAS BEING SARCASTIC” but I just rolled my eyes and climbed into the tub because who turns down the chance to take a death portrait in Stephen King’s bathtub? Apparently? Everyone.
If you’re easily freaked out you shouldn’t look at this. You should look at this instead. Oh wait…no. That one’s worse. Maybe this one? You know what? If you’re easily freaked out you probably shouldn’t be reading this blog anyway. This was a terrible decision for you.
Then Victor gave me that look like “Why are you like this?” and I was all “I dunno. I’m probably possessed” because that’s the best excuse to use when you’re staying at a haunted hotel and you want to do something ridiculous. Or when you need pancakes at 2am, or when you spend too much money in the gift shop Or when you accidentally murder your daughter’s Mexican jumping beans. I used it a lot.
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