Disclaimer: I’m still incredibly sick and feverish with what I can only imagine is Dengue Fever so this post is probably missing entire paragraphs because of it. Sorry about that.
Last week Victor and I went to Central America for the weekend and if I don’t write it all down now I’m going to forget it all so I’m just pulling directly from my journal. This is that story:
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Landed in the Belize airport.
me: So where exactly are we?
Victor: Belize.
me: I know, but what country are we in? Mexico?
Victor: Are you fucking with me? Belize is the country.
me: No. I’m pretty sure this is Mexico.
Victor: And that’s why you never get the blue pie in trivia.
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At baggage claim in the Belize airport there is live music and they’re giving away free booze to everyone. Also, the tourism board is playing Wheel of Fortune and I just won free jelly. No shit. I may never leave this airport.
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Taking a terrifyingly tiny plane to a village in Southern Belize. I’m pretty sure this is the plane that Buddy Holly died in. They ran out of room on the plane so they asked me to sit in the cockpit and told me not to touch anything. Clearly these people have never met me.
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The pilot just made some sort of hand gesture that I’m fairly sure indicates his intent to turn the plane into an explosive fireball. I caught it all on tape. I’m a bit relieved that I’m in the cockpit though because they didn’t lock my door so if I need to I can just jump out right before we crash. I’ll miss Victor.
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Didn’t crash. Landed in the jungle and met our guide (Golden) who drove us around a few hours while we waited for our lost luggage.
Golden: Let’s explore the village. You guys have any questions before we start?
me: I have a question. What country are we in right now?
Golden: Um…seriously?
Victor: Oh my God, please stop talking.
Golden: We’re in Belize.
me: Did Victor pay you to say that?
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Stopped at a fruit stand when Victor told Golden that we’d never seen dragon fruit before. He bought a few and handed us one but we just kind of looked at it because we didn’t know how to eat it and he said we should just peel it but we didn’t know how to peel it and I realize that sounds completely ridiculous but imagine if you gave someone a banana and told them to peel it and they stuck their fingernail in the middle and started peeling it like an orange. I bet that shit happens all the time to people who are new to bananas. So Victor asked Golden to peel one so we could watch him and learn how do it and he did but then he had to pull over to talk to some of his friends and I don’t know what he said but I suspected it was something like “She doesn’t know what country she’s in and he doesn’t understand how fruit works.”
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Made Golden stop so I could take a picture of this restaurant:
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I asked Golden if I should be concerned that so many people are wielding giant machetes and he assured me that the machetes are just there to kill aggressive poisonous snakes.
Oh. I feel so relieved.
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Got to the resort. It’s beautiful and tiny but I can’t really concentrate on it because there’s an enormous, mostly-dead black scorpion at our door.
I asked the bellhop what would happen if we get stung by the scorpion and he said it would “make your tongue heavy”. I’m pretty sure that’s Belizean for “You’re going to die“.
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After dinner a group of musicians came to the beach and serenaded us. It was awesome but after an hour I needed sleep so we snuck back to our room which didn’t actually help at all and I just laid there yelling “The drums! My God, the drums!”
It’s like the fucking Tell-Tale Heart in our hotel room.
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Our guide (Pedro) took us to see Mayan ruins. Saw a 14 year old with a machine gun.
Pedro explained that all the machine gun toters were around because we were so close to Guatemala. I’m not sure what that means but I just nodded. I miss the old days when everyone just carried machetes.
Then we were (verbally) attacked by howler monkeys and I shit myself with fear. I don’t know if you’ve ever accidentally come across angry, wild howler monkeys in the middle of the jungle but it sounds exactly like if Predator and the cloverfield monster were raping a bunch of velociraptors. Then I noticed that a bunch of strangers with machine guns were suddenly standing behind us and I felt a bit safer and that’s when I started to question my own sanity. Then Pedro told us about how he recently got attacked by a jaguar in the jungle and then I may have cried a little.
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Pedro climbed a tree and brought us a big melon-like thing and he whacked it open with a knife and told us it was a cacoa plant and that it was used to make something “that Americans can’t live without” and I was a little afraid to try it because I didn’t know how I’d react to eating raw cocaine but I rationalized that it was probably considered health food since it was fresh and organic but then Pedro explained that I was thinking about the coca plant and that this was the plant that they use to make m&m’s. Disappointing.
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Sitting on a hammock on the beach.
Victor: What you thinking right now?
me: I’m thinking that if I ever made a movie I’d call it “Four Four’s” so that when people bought tickets for their families they’d be all “Four for Four Fours”. That would be awesome.”
Victor: Stop talking.
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Victor, an Amish lady and a midget all walk into a bar in Belize. That’s not a joke. That just happened.
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Hanging out at the airport bar in Belize. The owner (Jet) is a 70 year old little person who got me drunk on homemade rum punch and then invited me behind the bar to help serve drinks. Then he said we needed to take a picture together and so he pushed me up against the wall and layed his head on my boobs.
And yes, I know that “midget” is not the perferred nomenclature but “I just got molested by a little person” sounds like a child grabbed my boob. Then Daryl Hannah walked in. This is the point when I suspected that I was suffering from sort sort of fever-induced hallucination but no. For real, y’all. A midget molested me while Daryl Hannah and an Amish couple watched and my husband took pictures. Then I was all “Yo. That’s Daryl Hannah” and Victor made me stop drinking rum punch but I was sure it was her so I kept trying to take pictures of her surrepticiously but none of them turned out because Jet kept popping into the frame and screwing up the focus and the Amish lady kept glaring at me because I guess cameras are from the devil and Victor kept telling me to just sit down and so finally I did but I wasn’t happy.
Then we walked onto the plane and Daryl Hannah was in the seat in front of us and she couldn’t lift her bag so Victor helped her and then when he was done he was all “DUDE. THAT WAS DARYL HANNAH” and I was like “No. Shit.”
And then we went home. The end.
PS. At the hotel gift shop I asked if they had any stuffed animals that I could bring home for Hailey as a souvenier. They did.
