There are a lot of machine guns on this vacation

Disclaimer: I’m still incredibly sick and feverish with what I can only imagine is Dengue Fever so this post is probably missing entire paragraphs because of it.  Sorry about that.

Last week Victor and I went to Central America for the weekend and if I don’t write it all down now I’m going to forget it all so I’m just pulling directly from my journal.  This is that story:

****************

Landed in the Belize airport.

me:  So where exactly are we?

Victor:  Belize.

me:  I know, but what country are we in?  Mexico?

Victor:  Are you fucking with me?  Belize is the country.

me: No.  I’m pretty sure this is Mexico.

Victor:  And that’s why you never get the blue pie in trivia.

******************

At baggage claim in the Belize airport there is live music and they’re giving away free booze to everyone.  Also, the tourism board is playing Wheel of Fortune and I just won free jelly.  No shit.  I may never leave this airport.

*******************

Taking a terrifyingly tiny plane to a village in Southern Belize.  I’m pretty sure this is the plane that Buddy Holly died in.  They ran out of room on the plane so they asked me to sit in the cockpit and told me not to touch anything.  Clearly these people have never met me.

******************

The pilot just made some sort of hand gesture that I’m fairly sure indicates his intent to turn the plane into an explosive fireball.  I caught it all on tape. I’m a bit relieved that I’m in the cockpit though because they didn’t lock my door so if I need to I can just jump out right before we crash.  I’ll miss Victor.

me to the pilot: "Are we *supposed* to be sideways?"

******************

Didn’t crash.  Landed in the jungle and met our guide (Golden) who drove us around a few hours while we waited for our lost luggage.

Golden: Let’s explore the village.  You guys have any questions before we start?

me:  I have a question.  What country are we in right now?

Golden:  Um…seriously?

Victor: Oh my God, please stop talking.

Golden:  We’re in Belize.

me: Did Victor pay you to say that?

*******************

Stopped at a fruit stand when Victor told Golden that we’d never seen dragon fruit before.  He bought a few and handed us one but we just kind of looked at it because we didn’t know how to eat it and he said we should just peel it but we didn’t know how to peel it and I realize that sounds completely ridiculous but imagine if you gave someone a banana and told them to peel it and they stuck their fingernail in the middle and started peeling it like an orange.  I bet that shit happens all the time to people who are new to bananas.  So Victor asked Golden to peel one so we could watch him and learn how do it and he did but then he had to pull over to talk to some of his friends and I don’t know what he said but I suspected it was something like “She doesn’t know what country she’s in and he doesn’t understand how fruit works.”

The many complexities of the dragon fruit.

******************

Made Golden stop so I could take a picture of this restaurant:

Nice try, "Red Lobster".

****************
I asked Golden if I should be concerned that so many people are wielding giant machetes and he assured me that the machetes are just there to kill aggressive poisonous snakes.

Oh.  I feel so relieved.

*****************

Got to the resort.  It’s beautiful and tiny but I can’t really concentrate on it because there’s an enormous, mostly-dead black scorpion at our door.

Oh, hi.

I asked the bellhop what would happen if we get stung by the scorpion and he said it would “make your tongue heavy”.  I’m pretty sure that’s Belizean for “You’re going to die“.

*****************

After dinner a group of musicians came to the beach and serenaded us.  It was awesome but after an hour I needed sleep so we snuck back to our room which didn’t actually help at all and I just laid there yelling “The drums!  My God, the drums!”


It’s like the fucking Tell-Tale Heart in our hotel room.

*****************

Our guide (Pedro) took us to see Mayan ruins.  Saw a 14 year old with a machine gun.

He *might* be 15.

Pedro explained that all the machine gun toters were around because we were so close to Guatemala.  I’m not sure what that means but I just nodded.  I miss the old days when everyone just carried machetes.

Then we were (verbally) attacked by howler monkeys and I shit myself with fear.  I don’t know if you’ve ever accidentally come across angry, wild howler monkeys in the middle of the jungle but it sounds exactly like if Predator and the cloverfield monster were raping a bunch of velociraptors.  Then I noticed that a bunch of strangers with machine guns were suddenly standing behind us and I felt a bit safer and that’s when I started to question my own sanity.  Then Pedro told us about how he recently got attacked by a jaguar in the jungle and then I may have cried a little.

The Mayan ruins were deserted but there were a ton of people outside the gate selling stone Mayan Calendars but I didn't buy one because I think it would be depressing to be continually reminded that the world is going to end in 2012.

****************

Pedro climbed a tree and brought us a big melon-like thing and he whacked it open with a knife and told us it was a cacoa plant and that it was used to make something “that Americans can’t live without” and I was a little afraid to try it because I didn’t know how I’d react to eating raw cocaine but I rationalized that it was probably considered health food since it was fresh and organic but then Pedro explained that I was thinking about the coca plant and that this was the plant that they use to make m&m’s.  Disappointing.

This was the smallest knife I saw all weekend.

*****************

Sitting on a hammock on the beach.

The beach is beautiful except that you can't close your eyes because then jaguars will eat your face. I don't know that for certain but it seems reasonable.

Victor:  What you thinking right now?

me:  I’m thinking that if I ever made a movie I’d call it “Four Four’s” so that when people bought tickets for their families they’d be all “Four for Four Fours”.  That would be awesome.”

Victor:  Stop talking.

******************

Victor, an Amish lady and a midget all walk into a bar in Belize.  That’s not a joke.  That just happened.

*******************

Hanging out at the airport bar in Belize.  The owner (Jet) is a 70 year old little person who got me drunk on homemade rum punch and then invited me behind the bar to help serve drinks.  Then he said we needed to take a picture together and so he pushed me up against the wall and layed his head on my boobs.

This is what it looks like when you get molested by a midget.

And yes, I know that “midget” is not the perferred nomenclature but “I just got molested by a little person” sounds like a child grabbed my boob.  Then Daryl Hannah walked in.  This is the point when I suspected that I was suffering from sort sort of fever-induced hallucination but no.  For real, y’all.  A midget molested me while Daryl Hannah and an Amish couple watched and my husband took pictures.  Then I was all “Yo.  That’s Daryl Hannah” and Victor made me stop drinking rum punch but I was sure it was her so I kept trying to take pictures of her surrepticiously but none of them turned out because Jet kept popping into the frame and screwing up the focus and the Amish lady kept glaring at me because I guess cameras are from the devil and Victor kept telling me to just sit down and so finally I did but I wasn’t happy.

Then we walked onto the plane and Daryl Hannah was in the seat in front of us and she couldn’t lift her bag so Victor helped her and then when he was done he was all “DUDE.  THAT WAS DARYL HANNAH” and I was like “No. Shit.”

OMG Daryl Hannah.

And then we went home.  The end.

PS. At the hotel gift shop I asked if they had any stuffed animals that I could bring home for Hailey as a souvenier.  They did.

I don't even have a caption for this.

225 thoughts on “There are a lot of machine guns on this vacation

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You give Hayley toys like that, she grows up to tote a machine-gun. Which will probably work out well in Texas.

  2. LOL! Your trip reminds me exactly of my trip to the Philippines, except that you got to stay in a resort, and I had to stay in huts. Haaaa. This is amazing. I always laugh at your entries.

  3. do you have a good incontinence pad salesperson or perhaps a screen cleaning company you could recommend because i have had several accidents whilst reading this post. Thank you

  4. Midgets are my favorite. And it’s better to call a little person a midget than a dwarf. Because they are very different. And they get really emotionally crazed about it if you screw them up.

  5. That’s the nicest Red Lobster I’ve ever seen.

    Also, I was thoroughly confused through this because I honestly thought ‘Central America’ meant Kentucky which actually makes sense when you couple it with the picture of the Red Lobster.

    Notsomuch the Mayan Ruins but this is what I get for skimming.

  6. Wow. You have the most amazing experiences in life. And, I love all the great pictures!

    Sorry you are sick, but you kind of deserve it for having such an awesome life.

    (totally kidding – I’m really sorry you are sick and if I lived in your vicinity, I would bring you chicken soup and Windex. (Windex cures all!))

  7. I had the “seat in the cockpit and keep the windows closed” experience in Venezuela. Except at some point the pilot thought it would be funny to put on me the big ear things that they use to communicate with other planes we might be about to crash into, so lets just say I didn’t enjoy that part of the trip too much.

    on the way back the pilot was drunk. Fortunately I speak spanish (being spanish and all), but they didn’t realize because I was traveling with loud americans, so I understood when they yelled “he’s sleeping it off, someone go wake him up!”

    needless to say we found another pilot.

    Never been molested by a midget though, unless you count breastfeeding

  8. huh, dragon fruit looks like a pink artichoke. Also, I think I hurt myself snorting with laughter.

  9. I just love your posts all she way.
    Unf. this one I did not read yet because I’m really excited, wanting to submit my thoughts about Thebloggess fast.

    Kindly,

    Maicon Soares

  10. I have a cousin who’s boyfriend grew up in Belize.

    He totally never made it sound that awesome.

    And I definitely watched Roxanne a couple of days ago and wondered what Darryl Hannah looked like now.

    Apperently the same.

  11. When I was at the Jerusalem shuk on Sunday I saw vendors selling dragon fruit and I was wondering what those were. I’m disappointed that you didn’t mention what they taste like because I’m nervous about trying them without having any idea if I’ll like them (I did that with lychee fruit which was a real mistake). I’m also curious about how the cacoa plant tasted.

  12. That is the best travel story I’ve read in ages. Loved it. Would have totally shat my pants the whole time I was there, but you are so funny. That midget sure is making the most of his lack of stature!!

  13. My sister went to Belize because this guy she was dating invited her to go scuba diving. She didn’t know how to scuba but why tell him and miss out on a beach trip was her reasoning.

    She drank all the pineapple juice at the resort they stayed at because all she did was sit at the pool bar and drink Pina Coladas for THREE DAYS AND NIGHTS. On the third night the bartender refused to serve her unless she ordered something else.

  14. Ok. I’ve been to a lot of places like this and your descriptions were hysterically funny. I learned a lot from you. Bring your own knife. Drinking makes things funnier. Darryl Hannah is a giantess and she still can’t put her own bag away in the overhead bin so what hope do I have. Most importantly, if you’re funny (which I am) and blog(which I recently started doing) and travel(which is obvious) then you should keep a journal just in case you end up with dengue fever(which sucks). Great post. Hahaha

  15. Is that a picture of Jesus watching the midget use your boob as a Q-Tip?

    The only place I’ve ever had a similar flying experience was in Iquitos, Peru, where they landed the huge-assed plane on a 25 foot long runway. Watching the roof of the cabin shudder back and forth as the pilot stood on the brakes was more excitement than I needed.

  16. You should probably travel the world to have these experiences. I mean, what if Darryl Hannah already had this idea and now has a head start – you better start now.

    That bitch is fast.

  17. Some resorts leave a mint on your pillow, some leave a deadly, venomous scorpion on your doorstep. It’s the little courtesies that keep customers coming back.

  18. I think I’m going to bookmark this for when I want to go into labor. As it stands, I’m going to go drink some water and lay on whatever side you’re supposed to lay on when Braxton Hicks hit. You laughed me into fake labor.

  19. No. Fuckin.Shit. I spent a semester in Belize for college, and went to that same Mayan Temple. I know this, because I made it to all the Mayan Temple/ruins. Which is why I now think that the mayans were fucking kick-ass. Also? AIRPORTS IN BELIZE ARE ON FUCKING CRACK. And I once had a conversation with a lady in a Belizan airport about dildos. all casually like. I kid you not.
    Also? the alcohol there is unreal. Seriously? I had vodka there that made any and all vodka I’d ever tasted before seem like child’s punch. No shit. I love belize. Fuckin un-Belize-able!

  20. Never been molested by a midget though, unless you count breastfeeding

    Dear god that comment was funny!!!! Your the only blog where that kind of comment totally makes sens. Love it!!!

  21. Dude, this all sounds and looks EXACTLY like the very southern tip of Texas, except you didn’t eat Rocky Mountain Oysters. Except that your beach was really beautiful and made me a little sad and thirsty for Corona.

  22. Wait a second. Did anyone else notice that the owner (Jet) looks an awful lot like the oompa loompa from the new version of Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. Or is it just me. It’s just me isn’t it.

  23. No joke, I went to Belize and that was pretty much my experience…effing weird. I even met Jet and had him sign my Belizean newspaper! Next time hit up the Ambergris Caye and you’ll be a lot happier…and I hope you didn’t eat any beef because I did and got an internal parasite. GLAD YOU HAD FUN and feel better for Christ’s sake!

  24. I totally got my ab workout in by reading your adventure in Belize. I laughed the whole time!! You are absolutely right, you cannot make that shit up!!! My husband is from Honduras so I understand a little about Central America…The ‘Red Lobster’ pic is an instant classic!!

  25. I have spent more than a little time south of the Rio Grande and north of Tierra del Fuego. I’ve loved every minute of it! Although there was that time the bartender at the hotel told me not to go out on Sunday because that was election day and the people carrying automatic weapons used them to express their displeasure if their candidate lost or their happiness if their candidate won. I stayed at the hotel and drank and I heard a lot of displeased and happy people outside the hotel. Oh, and I slept in the bathtub.

  26. Wow. You should start a Travelogue Blog. You have all the beat insight for travelers. Although, I’m not clear on where I book the celebrity and amish couple excursion. Was it offered at the hotel?

  27. Your trip to Belize appears to be similar to my trip to Jamaica, except I found out that what I was eating and enjoying was goat. And I was okay with that. Oh, and no guns in Jamaica. Just a lot of people who thought I wanted to party. And I got attacked by a crab.
    Hmmm, maybe not the same at all.

  28. Nothing.

    I’ve got nothing.

    I’m not even drunk and I am laughing so fucking hard right now. I’m crying. Poor, poor Hailey. Those things with all the dangling things? What the fuck?

  29. The last time I was in Belize I got drunk and pet a stray dog. Long story short, rabies shots.

    It’s a magical, magical country/city/continent/something.

  30. I cannot even explain how hard this made me laugh. I’m with WebSavvyMom – this makes me want to write L O L – oh wait there it is. Hilarious.

  31. The stuffed animals are the best part. The saddest part: whatever Daryl Hannah has stuffed in her face. :(. But really, why were you there for such a short time? Did I miss that part?

  32. Oh wow, I went to Belize last May and it was awesome. I also got assaulted by a howler monkey. It literally tried to devour my flesh. I’ll never be the same.

    Beautiful, beautiful country though. Just don’t go into Guatemala. They’re even more serious about their machine guns. And occasionally they like to close the border between Guatemala and Belize, just to keep tourists guessing. And rushing. And panicking.

  33. I am suddenly acutely aware of all of the wonderful things I have been missing on account of not being a world traveler. I’ve decided to stop feeding my kids and saving for their futures and find Belize instead.

  34. Jenny, this has nothing to do with your blog about Belize, although I have been there, well, really the cruise ship I was on docked there and I didn’t get off.

    But I had a tragedy yesterday. I ran over our dog and killed him. I can hardly write this. When I read about your dog, (who just died, you did not kill) I thought you were possibly slightly crazy. But now I am the crazy one with flashbacks and I get your post like I never did before. Our kind neighbor buried him before my husband, who was in love with the dog, had to see.

    Just crying uncontrollably with PTSD almost.

  35. Oh thank you, thank you, thank you. I must have checked the site a dozen times today waiting for the new post and it was worth it!! One of the best! Sorry you’re feeling punky, get better soon!

  36. Oh, Belize. Well see, that’s a totally different story. And it really isn’t the big black scorpions you have to be afraid of. The little white ones will kill you. Seriously.

  37. ‘Last week I went to central america for the weekend.’ There. And I never thought I’d have the opportunity to write that! Sounds like a cool trip, well other than the dengue fever, why so short? And those monkeys? Awesome. I’d have stayed there all day.

  38. The most guns I’ve experienced on vacation was the time my grandfather shot a hole in the kitchen ceiling during Christmas dinner, followed immediatly by my grandmother screaming like a pack of angry, wild howler monkeys!

    She wasn’t wearing her enchanted prosthetic finger again, was she? Oh, Daryl Hannah, when will you learn?

  39. UM IS THAT LIKE SOME SORT OF FREAKY BLACK BEARDED CENTAUR STUFFED ANIMAL THING????

    ANYWAY new life ambition = to live/work/spread joy and booze at the Belize/Mexican airport.

  40. okay, seriously? i *thought* i had heard a howler monkey before. like, at the zoo or some shit like that. and when you wrote that it sounded like the predator and the cloverfield monster raping velociraptors i was like, wtf? no way.

    then i played the video. i don’t know how you came up with that description, but it was perfect.

    absolutely perfect.

  41. I’ve eaten dragon fruit, and I still don’t know how to peel it.I assume I turn around and they perform magic on it before giving me the peeled fruit.

    Also, the Kuala Lumpur airport is supposed to be one of the best in the world, but I’ve been there, and I have never received free jelly or booze. There is something wrong with these airport qualifications.

  42. Sounds like the summer I spent in Costa Rica. I was a part of a natural products lab that would take samples from different areas of the rain forest. Lost track of time one day and got caught in the rain forest after dark. Pretty much the most horrified I’ve ever been. And the howler monkeys are VERY loud. I don’t think I ever actually hated an animal so much–but it was hard to think when they are around scaring the shit out of you. Of course, I was with the resident biologist there who often spends his nights in the rain forest, but I didn’t feel exactly safe with a guy wearing horn-rimmed glasses (and no machete). But he could shimmy up a tree quickly.

    Be glad for your airport experience. We had a red light/green light thing going. And if you didn’t get all your luggage out on the green light, well, it took bribes to get past the red light.

    But the fruit was excellent, the banks were all protected by machine guns, and bananas there were much larger than what we can buy here.

  43. We should totally sign up for Amazing Race together. Neither one of us would be able to figure out where the eff we were. We’d have way more fun than the blue pie winning Smarty McSmarty pants contestants. And we’d bring scorpion spray. Do they make that?

  44. I couldn’t love you anymore than I do at this moment.

    And I was totally serious when I said we needed Victor to take out….”the stalker.” You were away. It’s not this last post but the post before that. And it might be the post before the post before that by the time you ever read this. Anyway…he scares me.

    Did he try to have a threesome with you and Victor? Because he got very possessive over me real quick and blamed you. What. A weirdo.

  45. I went to Belize last year. Every person there offered my boyfriend coke and weed. He’s a probation officer, so it was kinda funny.

  46. Did you try the cashew wine? We were told it’s the poor man’s wine and will get you drunk twice. Once on the way down and the second time as it ferments in your stomach. REVOLTING stuff but we bought some so we can trick guests into drinking it.

  47. Warning: Do NOT drink strawberry margaritas & read your blog. It’s too funny and makes you feel drunker than you really are.

    But for you, reading your own blog would probably be kind of silly… or nostalgic… but not over the recent posts, because how can you be nostalgic over stuff that happened recently?!

    Yeah, I’m going to bed now.

  48. I’ve been to Belize. The machetes were everywhere. And bugs. We took pictures of guys in front of the bank wearing rent-a-cop uniforms and carrying AK-47’s. Or maybe they were Uzis. I don’t know what kind, but I am pretty sure they were not Super Soaker water guns.

  49. Wow…that sounds like quite an adventure. The best part must have been the midget. How often in your life can you say (and have photographic proof) of being molested by a 70 year old midget!

  50. WTF? One day you’re down with a cold, then you randomly go to Belize and return with dengue fever? What are we going to do with you Jenny? You need a handler, or a personal assistant. I’d volunteer, but I’m far too lazy. My daughter needs a job though. Hope you feel better soon. I totally agree that Hailey will like the “stuffed animals.” What an interesting life you lead. Thanks for sharing with us.

  51. I second the nomination to make you the Czar of Belize. There, it’s official now. And, Holy balls I hope you bought that octo-udder-man-thing for Hailey. It’s amazing. So amazing, I just might hop on a plane to Belize and get one for myself.

  52. This may be a bit tmi, but I don’t care. I remember the first time I was ever able to make the connection between the boners I’d get and hot chicks. This moment of clarity came when I was 5 years old and saw Darryl Hannah’s bare buns in the movie, “Splash.” That is the first time that I thought to myself, “wow, hot naked chicks make my dink do that growing thing.” True story. Darryl Hannah will always have a special place in my heart (and my package) for that reason.

    I loved the “howling monkeys sounding like the cloverfield monster and predators raping a bunch of veloceraptors” line.

  53. You’re the only other person (except my traveling companion) who has been to Central America for a weekend. I went to Costa Rica for a weekend once. It was amazing, with decidedly fewer machine-gun toting folks. And better stuffed animals.

  54. This is the best Belize story I have heard since the one my friend’s missionary parent’s told. They went to Belize, and slept in a cave. That’s all I remember, because I stopped listening after that. . .

  55. That beach looks like paradise and I would love to see the ruins and get drunk at the airport bar… but the snakes and scorpions… oh crap! Did you actually see any (live) scorpions and snakes while there?

    P.S. You saw Daryl Hannah! OMG! I loved her in Kill Bill. Did you get to chat to her at all, Jenny?

  56. Dude, I totally thought Belize was in Mexico because we had friends that went on cruises before we took one and they went to Belize…and Mexico too. So then I’m thinking, if Belize is another country, maybe one of those places we visited was another country too and now I’ve been to like 4 other countries. But alas no, we’ve been to Cozumel and Calica and they are both in Mexico. I really wanted to add another country to my list but this is the same person that was asked what country they’d like to visit and I said Europe. It went on Facebook and all and then I had to delete it before another person saw me talking like some pageant girl who doesn’t know her countries from continents.

  57. I can’t wait til we’re best friends and can travel together. Or write a blog together…or have you around to make fun of Matt for me. 🙂

    lol.

    I’m now officially afraid of stuffed animals, machine guns, scorpions and Daryl Hannah.

  58. I love your look of utter panic. Also, I just love you. I hope that’s ok. Not, you know, in a stalkerish way. Or a lesbianish way. Alright kind of in both of those ways. But hopefully you can take it as a compliment. It’s not like we’re going to run into each other in the supermarket or anything. Because I don’t know where you shop. SAD FACE EMOTICON

  59. First he moves you to BFE into the house that Satan built, then takes you to Belize, Mexico complete with midgets with machetes and poison hallucinogenic rum drinks? Victor is trying to kill you – for the love of Chester Cheesus…….. RUN BLOGGESS —– RUN!!

  60. You went to Belize and in the same time period I drove thru PA to Ohio and visited a Cracker Barrel. Belize vs. Cracker Barrel. And I kept asking my husband, where are we? culture shock is culture shock.

  61. We paid. We haven’t been on a real vacation this year and we’re too busy to take off a week at a time so instead we’re just taking several weekend jaunts. We did Colorado and Belize and in a few weeks we’ll take Hailey to Disney Land for the weekend.

  62. I nominate this entire post for the *Blog Post of the Year* award.

    Also, I love Belize. I’m still trying to find a way to recreate their coconut milk boiled rice and beans…unfortunately, coconut trees are rather difficult to come by here in northern Ohio. But I know what you mean about not being able to close your eyes…our guide was all like, “Oh, and in the jungle, like, right where we are now, there are bugs that will bite your skin and then crawl inside and start to eat you from in there, and then explode out of you.” or something. The details are a bit fuzzy now. I think I probably have PTSD.

    ALSO, that dragon fruit kinda looks like a really messed up bajingo. Just saying.

  63. So, one time, I went to Israel and I was camping in the Negev, and my uncle to came to visit me, and he was all, “Oh, I have the most fun game!!” and he ran around stepping on scorpions in his flip-flops. Then he took me to McDonalds where the kids all had Uzi’s. We didn’t have fucked up dolls like that, but it was all very uncomfy for me and I had to drink a lot to get over it. Oh, and then a dude tried to buy me as a wife because his other two were getting older, and he was all, “This is my sweet-ass pad, biotch!” but it was like, a lean-to with a tinfoil roof or something, and I was like, “Ummmm…… no.”

    I feel like we should travel together some time. Except I’m not awesome and don’t wear unicorn hats… so I might not be cool enough.

  64. I’m dying at the thumbs up from Jet! You rock, I agree with the others that I want to go on a trip with you, you’d be WAAAY more entertaining than my husband!

  65. Along the same lines of Four for Four Fours… they really need to make a video game that allows you to choose miniature animal avatars. Otherwise, there may never be a legitimate reason to say, “Oui, we wee Wii weevils wee! wee! wee! all the way home.”

  66. Back in the 1980’s Belize had an annual per capita earning average of $1000 USD. I had planned on moving there to live cause I love me some jungles. Northern Belize annual rainfall is 100 inches per year and the south gets 200 inches per year. The English protect Belize from Guatemala and the official national language is english. I may retire there.
    On a less boring topic…Your new photo on your Eden site is so fetching as to cause my generic depends to become uncomfortably snug…..and not for the usual reason. Thanks, Oldman.

  67. I was in the middle of the jungle in Costa Rica when we were surrounded by crazy, evil, rabid howler monkeys. Every time we tried to escape their circle of death they would quickly reconfigure. It was like a game of Risk but if you lost you got bit by a poisonous monkey and then died.

    I quickly unwrapped my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, tore them into little pieces and threw them at the monkeys while rattling the plastic bag and doing what I thought was screaming but turned out to be ‘making little guttural whimpers’ while running as fast as I could. My wife and I were able to escape the murderous imps, thanks to my superior intelligence.

  68. Did you see Daryl Hannah’s jacked up hand? (left, I think it is, but I’ve got a 50-50 chance of being wrong) True – google (or as I like to say “Lougle”) it.
    And is it wrong that I’m pissed that you got molested by a midget?? I actually want one for Christmas (I’m not picky, the molesting part is truly optional).

  69. My friend went to Belize and then, when he was in the shower about a month after he got back, a larvae came out of his arm. Some fly had laid an egg IN HIS SKIN. So watch for bumps under your skin. TRUE STORY.

    And just FYI, you’re way safer in little planes than big ones. If the engine stops you can still land them, which totally doesn’t happen on big planes. You have to learn to do this when you get a pilot’s license – at least I did. Maybe I just had a crazy flight instructor who liked to shut down the engine.

    Hope you fell better (although your posts are truly funny when you have dengue fever).

  70. i have been to Belize…and learned that Mayan’s are very small people…so midget/little people=mayan. generally…although i might now be racially profiling, and THAT is probably offensive…but it might be the least offensive moment of my day. 🙂

  71. Yeah, but…was Chevy Chase there? Seems like his kind of vacation.

    I can’t listen to the drums or the howler monkeys because I’m at work but it’s for the best because I just peed myself laughing over the last picture. I don’t really need to shit myself, too.

  72. I don’t know how in hell I ever made it through a work week before I found your blog. Thank you.

    And I was totally on the same tiny plane with holes you could see daylight through (I was looking around for pigs and chickens) once flying from Puerto Rico to St. Thomas.

  73. I hate those “pretentious” Hollywood celebrities like Daryl Hannah who fly all the way to Belize just to eat at the famed original Red Lobster, and then quickly take a plane back to Malibu without meeting the “real” people of Belize like you did. Always stay the same, Jenny, no matter what happens with your writing career. Don’t become too big for your britches like Daryl Hannah!

  74. You are my hero. I am going to live my life vicariously through you. If that’s OK with you. If not, I’ll just stalk you then. On the internet of course, not in real life. I don’t have that kind of cash flow. Lucky for you I guess.

  75. When I read the following, I laughed so hard I peed my pants. Thanks a lot, Jenny! You owe me a new pair of undies.

    me: I’m thinking that if I ever made a movie I’d call it “Four Four’s” so that when people bought tickets for their families they’d be all “Four for Four Fours”. That would be awesome.”

  76. You should have a caption contest for that last picture.

    My submission: Molestor-Midget’s bambinos (they will molest your fingers)

    It’s not really luck that nobody got killed during your stay in Macheteville, Machingunland. I have it on good authority that Death is on an indefinite leave of absense. They’re currently accepting applications.

  77. OK, this is just hysterical. This is the first time I am reading your blog and I love it. You clearly have an eye for humor, something that I wish I could pull off as successfully as you do. I have no idea how you managed to run into all of these things on your vacation, much less capture them so perfectly.

  78. You were only there for the weekend? sweet merciful crap, i can’t even imagine what your journal would be like if you were there the entire week. It would surely be manna from blog heaven.

    on a second note, wtf is up with that doll? it might come to life and try to molest you. Did the guy in the airport give you that? If so, burn it and bury it. Now.

  79. Love the freaky dolls! Dude I have no idea where Belize is either but everyone in the world of daytime dramas goes there so it must be cool. Did you get to take home the midget?

  80. I actually snorted my diet coke with the pilot making your plane into an explosive fireball. That “little person” was certainly very friendly!

  81. I’m going to Belize for Xmas, and from your description, it sounds like we might be staying at the same resort. I can’t wait to be molested by the midget.

  82. OK this is the deal. Victor keeps telling you to stop talking, when clearly your dialogue is only ADDING to the experience of traveling with you. Next time please call me, and I will happily travel with you to where ever we can find creepy stuffed dolls and molesting midgets and I shit you not, I will not only enjoy every word of wit that falls on my ears, I will ask for more. YOU ROCK.

  83. So in a nutshell you spent your entire vacation waiting foR a jaguar to eat your face, getting felt up by a midget and buying some truly disturbing dolls for Hailey. Sounds like fun!

  84. A-MA-ZING. I was overjoyed to see the picture with Jet at the airport. I’ve enjoyed my fair share of Belikin there!
    It helped nurse my face after I got mauled by Jaguars

  85. OMG. Darryl Hannah! No fair. I never run into celebrities when I travel. Oh, wait. I saw Dennis Kucinich at the Cleveland airport once. So, like I said, I never run into celebrities when I travel. Probably because I only ever go to Cleveland to see my family. They’re not doing me any favors.

  86. I literally laughed out loud when i saw the look on your face in the video of you in the cockpit.

    Thank you. After a crappy week, I really needed a laugh and I can always count on you to make that happen. 🙂

  87. There’s no such place as Belize. My 1960 World Atlas says you were in British Honduras. Which is pretty much Mexico, so you win. Suck it up, Victor!

  88. Wow. Belize hasn’t contacted you yet to make you the Head of Belize Tourism? What is WRONG with those people? This stuff is GOLD!!!

  89. This just took me back to my honeymoon. Which was in Belize, OBVIOUSLY, because it wouldn’t make sense for me to say that then share that I honeymooned in Italy. Anyway, the Belize City airport with the free booze is beautiful. We stayed at a resort in the middle of the jungle that was a howler monkey habitat, so we would hear the random screaming monkeys all night long (there’s a honeymoon joke in there somewhere…) and when we went to the Mayan ruins, I kept trying not to look at the 14 year olds with giant machine guns, but really HOW CAN YOU NOT LOOK at them!?
    The best part of my Belizean vacation was when Ignacio, our 18 year old tour guide, took us intertubing through a cave and was like, “Oh, last week, I took Billy Gates through here with his family and security guards.” So basically, my favorite memory from my honeymoon was hearing Ignacio call Bill Gates “Billy.”

  90. I totally got molested by the airport rum midget!! I have the same photo of violation. CLEARLY, that’s his thing: Give a chick some sketchy rum punch, make lots of hand gestures and head nods to distract the husband/boyfriend, hustle her into the corner of your store, lay your head on her boobs and grind your midget pelvis into her knee, thumbs up and… CHEESE!! I walked out of there and was like, I’m not totally sure, but I think I was just raped in broad daylight, in a bar, by Tattoo from Fantasy Island.

  91. My friend and I went to Belize, and all we got was a hideous case of food poisoning…and they warned us about leaving towels on the bathroom floor because scorpions like to hide under them, but we never saw one. I thought they were lying. We did see a gigantic spider in the bathroom, but my friend said it didn’t count because it was missing a leg. I said that just meant it was a bad-ass spider that survived a spider cage match… We were near Guatemala, too, but they hadn’t started shooting tourists at the Mayan ruins yet, so we didn’t get to see ANY machine gun-toting teenagers. I feel totally gypped.

  92. So you got a motorboat from a midgit and got a rag doll with four penises for you daughter. Sounds like a win all the way around!

  93. And the runner up for Funniest Line of the Week is: “That’s why you never get the blue pie in Trivia.”

    And, the WINNER of Funniest Line of the Week is…….( queue some county that’s probably mexico, drum roll please)……………..”I don’t know if you’ve ever accidentally come across angry, wild howler monkeys in the middle of the jungle but it sounds exactly like if Predator and the cloverfield monster were raping a bunch of velociraptors.”
    And the crowd goes wild!

    PS – The Mayan ruins were deserted? No shit huh?

  94. I still don’t get the joke about the Red Lobster. What’s supposed to be funny? But, then again, I live in Florida.

  95. Did I guess you were nearly kidnapped by Sandinistas or what? I’m psychic, damn it.

    Oh wait, those weren’t Sandinistas? Well fuck. I would have thought they would have wanted Daryl Hannah. I mean with all her blondness and all…

    Wait…what was I saying?

    Oh yeah, Sandinistas. Or was it midgets who molest pretty white women and who look like the Oompa Loompa from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The midget, not the pretty white woman.

    By the way, who goes to Central America for a weekend? Shouldn’t going to another country require longer stays than two days?

    I will also now have nightmares about that freaky dark stuffed man with four legs and a fro beard. Thanks for that. Please tell me that you did not give any of them to your daughter. Please? That one act alone will garner her years of therapy.

    I’m glad you did not get kidnapped by Sandinistas, your face eaten off by a jaguar or stung by a mostly dead scorpion. I would love to vacation with you. I think it would be hilarious. As long as there are no Sandinistas, face eating jaguars, molesting midgets or nightmare inducing freak of nature humanoid souvenirs.

    Maybe Disneyland? Oh wait, bad choice. Jamaica? They have ganja.

  96. “And that’s why you never get the blue pie in trivia”
    If this relationship thing you have going with Victor doesn’t work out, can I have him? I’m straight, but I’d be willing to change.

  97. I know everything you said really happened b/c you could not make that shit up.

    Just brilliant. And the stuffed animals at the end was quite the finale.

    A great TV series was just shown in the UK that you might like. It’s called “An Idiot Abroad” (no I don’t think you’re an idiot): http://sky1.sky.com/an-idiot-abroad. Worth watching a few clips, very very funny.

  98. You know something Jenny, you never fail to brighten my day. You truly make life better.

    My little boy just finished treatment for pediatric leukemia, he suffered a stroke, he had endless complications, and now has been diagnosed with anthracyline induced cardiomyopathy. His father died during treatment. There are permenant tears in my eyes.

    Yet I can come here and you make me smile. Thank you.

  99. By the way, if you ever need a machine gun for your next vacation, there are more AK47s in the world than there are people. I don’t know whether that’s true or not. I heard it on NPR. It sounded learned.

  100. What the hell were ya’ll doin in Belize? Sounds fun, not quite as fun as my last vacation which was actually right here in the US, in Costa Mesa but still fun. Mine was only more fun because I got kicked out of my hotel and then escorted around the town by a nice homeless man and a crazy homeless lady all night and didnt convince the hotel to let me back in until noon the next day.

  101. Belize was on our short list of places for a family vacation next Spring. Now I’m not so sure if I should give it extra points or mark it off entirely!

  102. Hilarious! Like I expected anything less. Even when your sick. Doped up on drugs.

    The monkeys were terrifying. Thanks for the audio. I’ll have nightmares for weeks. Welp, there goes my Christmas.

  103. I never get ANY of the pie in trivia, don’t worry! Stupid hard questions – I need the kid’s version, or that version from Family Guy where all you have to do to win the game is say “What”. Yeah, I would win that.

    I hope you recover quickly from your Dengue Fever!

  104. awesome sauce.

    I know when we would go to the flea market in FLA when we got near the Guatemalan vendors all the other vendors would start carrying machine guns. Unrelated note: when I worked at a grocery store (in Produce) a lady read an article about dragon fruits and came to buy one. When she picked it up she ranted about how ugly they looked and how would you eat it. As I tried to explain it to her she got exasperated and threw it to the ground and walked off.

  105. I have been reading through your old posts, and ever since I clicked a link for Amazon’s plastic nipple extractor (I still don’t know what that is), I keep getting emails suggesting that I buy everything and anything with the word “nipple” in the title.

    Thanks. Bunches.

    Whitney

  106. No wonder the Mayans went extinct. The thought of having to walk up all those stairs makes me want to shoot myself in the face. Also, why are we taking advice on when the world is going to end from a group of people who have never heard of escalators and managed to misplace an entire population?

  107. THe weird doll is nice and all, but how disappointed was she that you didn’t bring her back a howler monkey?

    Also, I wish we could walk around with giant machetes! On second thought, I wish I could walk around with a giant machete.

    Except, in the rush to use it, I would probably chop something I shouldn’t. It would be like bringing pepper spray to go running early in morning only leads to accidently pepper spraying barking dogs that come out of nowhere.

  108. angelica… the same thing happened to me on the little plane i flew in… it was a DC1 (that’s one, i didn’t forget the 0). the pilot handed me the earphones they use to what i thought was communicate to make sure they don’t crash into other planes but apparently not because blaring into my ears was Led Zeplin Stairway to Heaven… a place i really wasn’t ready to go to just yet. phew, was so happy when that plane landed!

  109. Ha ha ha! I went to Belize in the 1970s; would have been run out of the country on a rail if there had been any rails. Looks like it hasn’t changed much. Welcome back.

  110. Wish I had time to read the previous comments to see if this has already been mentioned. Your trip is oddly reminiscent of a South Park episode where the kids went to a Save the Rain Forest rally and ended up wanting to plow the whole thing under.

  111. By the way, I hope you are finally getting better! That little person may have slipped you something while he was putting his head on your boobs…

  112. Oh. My. God. The black scorpion? No big whoop. The black stuffed manoctopus? Scary shit!!! I’m guessing you bought two. As for movie titles, name yours “Fighting” instead. I’ve got five in my family and I would love to say “Five for ‘Fighting,’ please.” You know, like the musical group? Only it’s not a group, but one person? ‘One for Fighting’ sounds lame, though, so I can forgive. Anyway, sounds like you had a blast — awesome!

  113. I see a beaver in that molesting-midget picture! Of course, I’m the only convenience-store-obsessed person to notice that. And that totally happens to me with average-sized men and women everywhere I go.

  114. This post seriously cracked me up. Sure, everyone says that, but this one *really* did. Also, I sent it to a friend whose dog had just died, and it cheered her up. So not only is this post funny, but it’s more enjoyable than a dead dog. And really, how many blogs can say that? Not as many as you would think.

  115. Ha ha ha! I went to Belize in the 1970s; would have been run out of the country on a rail if there had been any rails. Looks like it hasn’t changed much. Welcome back.

  116. Everyone knows that Belize is a fake country dreamed up by the British who need SOME place to go since their weather sucks, or they need SOME place to hide their money.
    That scorpion, however, it VERY real.

  117. You got a picture of the Red Lobster of Belize – and look – I got a picture of the Burger King of Belize! I was there in March. http://justlinda.net/blog/?p=663

    ps: I was sort of apathetic about the Mayan ruins, which is why I will never get the blue pie in Trivia. Still, I had a cute blouse on so I allowed the photos to be taken.

    pps: Daryl Hannah MIGHT have been there. I didn’t see her or anything, but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t there.

    ppps: I think all of this taken together means that we were probably twins that got separated at birth. Probably I was the one given away to strangers with no background check because I’m not as cute as you. But I’m not bitter – I totally forgive you.

  118. Oh, my gosh! I was trying to catch up on your blog-going-ons and I don’t even know if I can continue because you have me laughing so hard and so loud about that cocoa vs. coca plant scenario and you thinking cocaine is what “Americans can’t live without”! That is too funny, woman. Your brain just doesn’t quit, does it?

    Is that really Daryl Hannah or just some tired older lady who looks like Daryl Hannah? Or, wait, Daryl Hannah is probably an older lady now, isn’t she? And she probably is tired or tired-looking when she isn’t all done up by the make-up crew of any movie she might be making. So, I guess it could have been her. I’m sorry I doubted you in your drunken, homemade-rum stupor.

  119. umm hey… i totally lived in Belize for like a year for an internship and I know exactly what you are talking about!! AND AND I know that lil midget!! in the airport! I’ve been three times and every time I am sitting there waiting for the jumper plane that lil guy comes and hits on me! UH-mazing!

  120. Great read. I have travelled around Mexico and it was a little surprising to a man with a machine gun standing outside every single bank and government office.

  121. when you said daryl hannah, somehow my mind got all confused and thought hanna of hanna-barbera fame, responsible for such genius offerings to the world as scooby doo. then i thought, how would she even recognize him anyway? but then i saw the picture. that made much more sense. plus hanna’s probably dead by now, right?

  122. Oh my dear lord – I just discovered your blog last week through a friend (and a monkey) and have been reading backwards – I know this is old but I just had to comment bc THAT GUY – Jet!!!! – he would NOT stop trying to grope me LOL. I was all duuuuude I just want to get hammered before I have to fly back to the frigid Northeast, back the fuck off! So creepy!!!!! Plus I was traveling alone – good times!

    Also I’m curious as to where you stayed!

  123. Also late to this party, but had to comment–we honeymooned in Belize too, and we had a LIVE black scorpion waiting for us in our cottage when we checked in. We chased it out the door with the fireplace shovel, and my husband pointed out that scorpions look really hilarious when they’re running away from you…like they’re wearing giant clown shoes. Also, we had machine-gun-toting teenagers who actually rode in our jeep with us up to the Mayan ruins (Caracol), because they needed a ride and the driver/guide liked having them along because he’d been stopped, held for a few hours, and robbed (along with the tourists he was driving) by Guatemalan bandits on that road before. Kind of crazy, but we still REALLY loved Belize and can’t wait to go back!

  124. OK, I am really new to your blog (loving everything! You rock!) and wanted to share a quick something.
    Hubby and I went to Belize for our honeymoon, and were also followed around by short people with big guns! Something about a war… Made me quite uncomfortable to be an American overseas at that moment.
    Our guide told us the Mayan ruin we went to was “tuna sandwich”. I have been promised if we ever go back to tell the guide we want to see “tuna sandwich” and we will be brought back.

    I have not yet ventured back to Belize to test this theory.

  125. Mexico is a great place to ravel right? You both have a great time, I love the pictures above, thanks for sharing this wonderful experience in Mexico. Keep on sharing, good travel experience. Thanks much!

  126. I just found this post in the archives and I thought I’d give you a heads-up that it’s 2012 now and the world hasn’t ended yet.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: