Phone koozies

An extremely sarcastic conversation between me and Victor, in which none of us wins…

Victor: I don’t know if you know this, but when we bought our phones they came with these things called chargers.  Lemme explain how they work…

me:  I know what chargers are.  

Victor: Apparently you don’t.

me:  They’re those fancy plates that you put plates on.  They’re ridiculous.  I’m not using plates for plates.

Victor:  No.  I’m talking about the phone chargers.  You know…the things normal people put their phones back into when they’re done using them.

me: You mean the phone koozies?  I don’t use those.

Victor:  Yes.  I know.  That’s why we’re having this conversation.  And why none of the phones in the house work.

me:  But it’s nice.  No ringing.  Listen to how quiet it is.  Peaceful.


me:  You mean the phone koozies?


me:  Well, that wasn’t peaceful at all.

Conclusion:  No one wins here.  Also, all of the phones are broken.  Apparently.

222 thoughts on “Phone koozies

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I think those things are a joke, koozies and chargers. My beers are always warm and my phones are always dead. Period. Also the rims of the cans are always dirty and the phone is always sticky? Talk about no one winning. Except maybe Purel, Purel is always winning with is cleaning, drying, removing-stains and doing everything properties. It definitely wins.

  2. Victor’s acting like he’s new to this parade. I just don’t know how you live with him, at times, Jenny. *dramatic sigh*

  3. Plate Chargers ARE ridiculous.
    Phone chargers are actually pretty useful, and necessary if you ever want to get all the golden eggs in angry birds. Just a thought.

  4. I have this conversation with my boyfriend at least once a week. And my mother. And my best friend. And my boss. Basically anyone who ever tried to call me.

  5. What the hell else does Victor want from you? You are working diligently to make the home safe from cobras and the street safe from unicorns. Seriously, can he NOT take care of the effing koozies himself?


  6. I think you should probably fill your phone koozies with OTHER things that don’t work. Like batteries. And lightbulbs. And pens that have run out of ink.

  7. I must agree about the plate chargers…I just don’t get why those are necessary. I’m glad Victor wasn’t upset about them. They don’t seem worth getting upset about to me.

  8. Honestly, I think if I could charge my phone in the same koozie I drink my beer out of, I’d be more apt to have a functioning phone.

    Luckily, I live alone, and have 27 koozies, so there’s no worries when that connection is finally made.

  9. Can’t relate. I’m a phone charger-aholic. I have a charger on every level of the house…and one in my car. Plus I have awesome and epic phone tones for reminders like “Dentist Appointment at 2:00”. That reminder is soooo much better with a little crescendo of suspense. So a powered up phone isn’t all bad. Just sayin’.

  10. My husband goes through a similar freakout in the kitchen when all the cupboard doors are open. This happens after grocery shopping, cooking, dishwashing…I’m all, “Why you slowin’ down my roll, G?” And he counters with, “You’re not a gangster. (pronouncing the “ster”…) Don’t even try.” And I’m like, “Word.”

  11. My boyfriend thinks phones need chargers too… must be a guy thing. i think they should have to go through a mandatory training for this… and for when its ok to buy towels.

  12. I think we were meant to BFF’s or something. My house phone is lost…uncharged….

  13. Phone koozies. Sounds like something that you should sell on your online store? I mean I hate it when my phone gets all those little beads of condensation all over it and I can’t play Angry Birds.

  14. The problem with phone chargers is, they’re always trying to hide from me. It’s not like I’m intentionally trying to avoid them or anything. But they’re just fucking INVISIBLE when my phone has run out of battery. That’s what I tell my partner all the time, but he just doesn’t understand the need for non-invisible phone chargers.

  15. I recently saw a plate charger at Walmart with a sticker that read: CAUTION. DO NOT EAT FOOD OFF THIS PLATE. HIGH LEVELS OF LEAD MAY CONTAMINATE FOOD. Worst. Advertising. Ever.

  16. What is the deal with the other kind of charger? I mean, why do I need a plate to tell me where to place the real plate? If I needed that kind of help I’d use one of those place mats for little kids – those at least have an outline for the knives, folks and spoons as well as the plates. Actually, if I could find one that also had markings for salad forks and soup spoons, and read and white wine glasses – Oh! And the bread plate marked so I’d remember which piece of bread was mine and could stop accidentally stealing bread from my neighbor… That I’d actually like to find. My wedding china would look good on that, right?

  17. what’s a ‘koozie’? I watch a lot of American tv and this is now added to ‘cootie’ on my list of ‘words I have no idea what they mean but imagine they are like some big hairy toed spider/sloth hybrid’

  18. We have a similar issue in the house. I don’t use the house phone for anything, if anyone wants me they call my cell phone. Beyond that, if the house phone rings it’s for the wife or my son. Since I don’t use it, I don’t charge it, and on a daily basis, the wife is always looking for a phone that’s charged and seems perplexed as to why they’re not magically on the charger somehow.

  19. My husband is the charger police in our family. If we don’t put the phones back in the charger, he unplugs the charger, claiming that we’re wasting electricity. And you can believe that I DO NOT plug the charger back in if I do happen to return the phone to it. If you ask me, we end up with dead phones either way, so what’s the point?

  20. I’ll be honest here, the word Koozie freaks me out.

    It sounds like some sort of disease 8 year olds make up to keep the smelly kid away from them but instead of being an imaginary affliction it came to life and came to life in the shape of a phone charger, waiting to eat your phone so no one can call you.

    You’re right to stay away from them.

  21. If you use paper plates you wont have this charger problem….unless of course you use the cheap-o kind then you need those little wicker plate holder things. Are those the chargers Victor is wanting? Can’t he just use actual plates instead?

  22. Our phone chargers for the landline are slightly inaccessible for my disability so I tend not to put them back and I check that I have my mobile at all times.

    Then my husband puts the house phones back on the chargers then leaves and rings me on the damn landline.

    Then I rip off his testicles.

  23. Hmmmmm. It seems someone needs to invent a phone that is attached by a cord to a charger so it always stays charged. For those of us who are forgetful that way. 😉

  24. I thought this was going to be about James Garfield getting his body back and charging at people. You know, a Halloween tale of terror.

  25. Plates for plates are like my mom’s spoon rest on the stove. You put down a spoon rest so you don’t get the stove dirty. Then you wash the spoon rest. Why????

  26. My father-in-law’s wife insists on using those chargers for Thanksgiving dinner. WTF? Are people afraid you might get some mashed potatoes (if they actually served mashed potatoes) on the stupid place mats? Place mats are washable. If they aren’t, they shouldn’t be around food. People are weird sometimes. 🙂

  27. Wait … so those plates for plates are called “chargers”??? Will someone explain that to me? I don’t live in 1870s New York attending dinner parties with Edith Wharton where there are gilt-edged name cards denoting where I will sit. Do they make your dinner super-charged??? Or do they just charge you for being there? Help!

  28. I swear that I have that same conversation with my husband at least once a week. I tell him that it really doesn’t matter if the house phones are charged or not because the people I want to talk to only call my cell phone anyway, duh! It must be a guy thing.

  29. I hate a lot of words, but KOOZIES (which it hurts even just to type) is the worst one.
    I stand by you in not using the phone koozies.


  30. I think I’m going to forward this conversation to my husband, so the next time he tries to have this discussion with me, he can just read *this* and save us both a headache or three.


  31. I never remember to charge my phone either, I thought I’d be smart and buy a second phone that I could use when my main phone suddenly goes dead on me. Now I have phones with flat batteries, better go buy a third….. This could get expensive.

  32. Chargers! I mean really, WTF? Why do plates need more plates? Isn’t that a little pretentious? Unless you are putting the cheap white paper plates on a charger. Then that would be capital K Klassy!

  33. I can SO relate to this. I’d call and tell you about it… but I never put the phones back on the Koozies either.

  34. Wait until he starts putting up the toilet seat just to piss you off. That’s how you know you are *really* driving him insane – when he deliberately decides to do something that sends you to the brink of madness. Happened to me. True story.

  35. This just gave me a brilliant idea for my next attack against my wife in the endless War of the Landline.
    If I stop placing the house phones back on the chargers/koozies (or if I take the ones that are on the chargers/koozies off the chargers/koozies), they will run out of power and no longer work. If they no longer work, people cannot call us on them. People will be forced to call us on our cell phones. Soon, people will only call us on our cell phones because we never answer the house phone. (They don’t have to know that the phones simply need charging.)
    Six months or year from now, when my wife and I argue about getting rid of the landline, I’ll be able to ask her when the the last time anyone even called us on the house phone. She won’t be able to answer because it will have been six months or a year.
    (Insert evil laughter here.)
    Excuse me while I go take the house phones off the chargers/koozies…

  36. Have nothing witty to say except: bahahaha! Totally needed to hear…wait…read this today.

  37. OMG! All this time I’ve been calling my phone koozies ‘chargers’! Thank you SO much for setting me straight. And I can totally relate to you, too. My mother just asked me the other day why we never answer our house phone and of course I advised her that it’s because the kid never remembers to charge them and I have no need since I have my cell phone on which she is always able to reach me anyways. Yet, she continues to bitch.

    It is nice that our house phone NEVER rings.

    As for those charger plate thingys……you should totally make one with Beyonce on it saying Knock Knock Mother Fucker! You’d make a killing! And it could provide for some wonderful entertainment each time a plate or bowl is removed before the next course is served! Just sayin’

  38. Koozies always sounds like a venereal disease to me. “I fucked her last week and she gave me a bad case of the koozies.”

  39. At least you have more than one phone. We bought a two phone set and lost one somewhere in the house. OF COURSE it ran out of charge before we realized it was gone so it doesn’t ring. Pathetic.

  40. Koozie is a really terrible word, especially since up until reading this blog I always thought it was called a “cozy.” So much for my future drinking cold beer in a park. Oh, and I think many of us are “phone-charger challenged” because we grew up in a land where phones had handles and cradles and ‘chargers’ were a football team your husband watched while drinking warm beer. Unless he was lucky enough to have a cozy. Koozie! Sheesh….

  41. HILARIOUS … I just went thru the same thing with my husband!
    We tried replacement batteries once after the first set of cordless phones died – those lasted all of 6 whole months, on the second round I was like SHIT two of these 40$ batteries are nearly the same expensive price as a whole new phone set.
    Luckily I picked up a set with three cordless phones … two black, and one white. As you can guess, I told my husband you get the two black ones and if you don’t hang those up and they die, you are SHIT OUT OF LUCK – STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MINE! LOL

    The phones allow you to put a banner at the top … unfortunately “DON’T EVEN THINK OF LAYING A FINGER ON THIS” was apparently much too long! So now it says MINE lol Hope he gets the hint – plug your own in!
    I swear we love each other very much! lol

  42. I kind of like plates for plates. I don’t own any of them, but I like them. Maybe I should get them?

    Now I want chargers. I especially want ridiculous chargers. Damn, Jenny, and here I was happily without chargers!

  43. Cell phones do not work inside my house. Really. We have a galvanized steel roof and aluminum siding (Google “faraday cage”) and are in an area where cell phone reception is iffy even when you stand out in the southeast corner of the back yard on top of a washtub. So, despite the fact that 3 out of the 4 people who live in the house have cell phones, we must all still rely on a land line if we wish to speak to the outside world. The computer and TV have their own satellite dishes but the humans are still tethered to a copper cable.

    It’s always fun to play a rousing game of “Phone Hide and Seek” with the family, trying to first find a phone and then second, to find a phone that still retains enough of a charge to work!

  44. It’s like that time that I forgot to plug my phone in and then the next day it died in the middle of me using it for internet things (phones are not for calling people). Fucking tragedy.

  45. Everything in my house that can be considered a repository for anything else is now labeled “koozie”. I am thinking of buying a label maker.

    Put your daughter on the task of phone charging. I did this with my son, and our phones never die now. Well, except for his. Somehow the obsession with charged phones did not translate over to his phone? That or the 5000 texts he sends a month drain more battery than we think? Eh. My phone is charged.

  46. They should make a large decorative plate that charges your phone, but that you don’t eat off of, and that plays professional football. Confustion eliminated. You’re welcome, marriage.

  47. I have a different take on this with Ishbel, my wife.
    Ishbel, “why don’t you ever answer the phone”
    Me, ” I have nothing to say to anyone, and anyway they are usually for you” (and I’m sure I heard her muttering that she was changing her name by deed poll to anyone!!!)
    ishbel, “Sometimes it’s the kids and they might want to speak to you”
    Me, “Did they ask to speak to me”
    Ishbel, “Well, no, but they asked how you were and it would be nice to speak to with them”
    me, “but they didn’t ask to speak to me and anyway I do answer the phone”, I said. “Remember when the phone went a couple of weeks ago and the number was withheld, I answered it, didn’t I”.

    Ishbel, “yes, but telling my MOTHER TO FUCK OFF because you thought she was a cold caller, and then hanging up, doesn’t count”
    Me, ” How was I to know she had changed her number and put some form of protection on it”

    At that point Ishbel wandered off to stick her head in a bucket or something still muttering about changing her name to anyone!!!!

    I still don’t know what I did wrong – misunderstood of 35 years

  48. I miss phones with their long stringy cords… I especially miss those super-old ones with the dials. They just worked. They didn’t need koozies.

    I had no idea that those plates for plates, crap for crap things were called “chargers” that just makes me hate them even more… Seriously. Chargers? Where’s the logic?!

  49. I never even knew that plates for plates were called chargers. Thanks for teaching me something new today! However, knowing what they’re called doesn’t make them any more sensible…

  50. I never knew that those fancy plate-holding plates were called chargers. Now I do.

    See? This blog is educational.

  51. The solution is to tell Victor the landlines are all his and you don’t want them anymore. You can’t tweet from them so what good are they anyway? And then Victor can plug in his own phone.

    Or get rid of the landlines altogether. No phone koozie chargers AND no ringing.

  52. Hate hate hate that I can never remember which phone has the fucked up battery. So they ring and I ALWAYS pick up the wrong one. Why the hell are you ringing if you’re only going to cut off when I press talk? Why are you a demonic device? I even use the damn chargerkooziemajig but now I’m considering marring one of the phones to let me know which works. I see a hammer in my future. Also, new unSatanstricken phones b/c once the hammer strikes I’m guessing they’ll both be broken.

  53. Hey, at least you don’t leave your black cordless phone sitting on the black stovetop…. while being too stupid to differentiate which burner is which… resulting in a melty-near-battery-explosion mess.

    The hubs had me on that one.

    We now have a rule that I store NOTHING on the stove top.

    (Those diagrams are not, I REPEAT, are NOT clear.)



  54. Being of a certain age, my husband and I don’t even have a house phone, we just each have our own cell. And my office gave me a blackberry, which I only use to call my cell phone when I can’t find it. The problem is, I don’t actually know my blackberry’s number, and right now, THAT’S the one that’s missing.

  55. @Anne #10
    There are golden eggs in Angry Birds?!
    I’m off to up my game. Don’t call me.

  56. life just gets more exciting when the phone rings and you can only answer it from the base because every single phone in the house is dead. and then your jewish mom is yelling thru the base speakerphone that she can’t hear you and do you have the tv on and “hold on, i’m going to get your father.”

  57. It took me awhile to figure out that you were talking about a land line phone.

    Also – I’m glad you included a link to the definition of a plate plate, or plate charger.

    Basically this whole thing confused me. I’m apparently not very with it.

  58. OK TARA, I didn’t’t even HAVE a cell phone but NOW I have to go to Costco and figure out the whole cell-phone-koozie-charger bullshit and ITS ALL YOUR FAULT if I miss an important call.
    Thanks a LOT. Will my computer still work?
    I live alone and buy towels ALL THE TIME.
    Please advise.

  59. You inspire me to try to have more conversations like this with my husband… you know, just to keep it interesting.

  60. Really? That’s what those things are for? What if you threw them out? And no wonder I haven’t had a phone call since about 48 hours after getting my new phone. . .

  61. Wow, I thought we were talking cell phone chargers, but Jenny’s takin’ it back old school style.

    Tell Vicor if he really needs to get ahold of someone he can always send a telegraph.

  62. I’ve tried that but somehow someone somewhere always ends up having one in the koozie and it ends up ringing…then to make it worst it is The Mother-In-Law. I did however discover that if you leave one phone on none of the other phones can ring becuase one is on, until it’s battery goes dead. I’ve done that before and then got away with the “really? someone left a phone one, hmmmm?”

  63. You make me happy. I’m sure Victor would say, “Yeah, you should try living with her”. But I don’t, so it’s all good. Well, for me anyway. And I would figure he probably gets some other forms of compensation that keep him happy, too. *wink* So, really, he should just put the phones back on the damn koozies himself and smile.

  64. I was really trying to figure out how cell phone chargers could be mistaken for koozies.. cuz when I think of a koozie I think of those things you put over beer cans… and unless your cell phone is from 1999 it probably only has a plug-in cord charger and that doesn’t look like a koozie at all…

    and then I realized you must be talking about home phones… but who still has those anyway… at least you.

    maybe you should convince Victor to get an antique non-cordless phone.. that way it won’t require to be charged and I’m sure you could find a really cool looking antique-type one you’d probably find at a flea market where you might also find your next copernicus… and he won’t notice that you bought something weird cuz you also bought something practical.. it’s a win-win situation if you ask me.

  65. A landline and chargers???!!!???!!! Holy crap, that is so 1990s! Tell Victor if he really has to go old school that he needs to learn to use Morse code with a flashlight and set up a ginormous mast in the front yard so he can use semaphore flags. That, or hand him a couple of paper cups and and a length of perle cotton crochet yarn so he can make his own damn “phone”.

    Oh, and as for the plate chargers, I don’t have any, but with my family, they’d come in damn handy considering that I set the holiday table with a real linen tablecloth. I wish somebody would make something that makes a wineglass unspillable. Knock over a glass of perfectly good Merlot on that antique linen and I will rip somebody’s throat out! Come to think of it, maybe I’d be better off to banish them all to the backyard with the paper plates and beer cozies. Yes, I DO have an inner Hyacinth, and they’re all channeling Onslow.

  66. I just have to say that no matter how bad my day is going, I can always come to your website for a laugh. You are my hero! You crack my best friend and I up on a daily basis. We have hour phone conversations multiple times a week regarding your blog. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you bring to us daily!

  67. I’ve got this nice phone that plugs into the wall and it has a dial, even. When I’m done talking, I hang the handset back up on the phone and it’s ready for the next call.

    You ought to think about getting one

  68. I say that Victor is lucky he can find the phones. We have 4 cordless phones and all of them are lost.

  69. OMG. You’re hysterical. LOL

    (I never charge my port-a-phones either and I hate talking on the wall phone, so when the phone rings if the port-a-phones are dead, I won’t answer it. Saves me from annoying conversations with my in-laws.)

  70. In my world, we refer to those things you put a can of beer into to keep it cold (but it really doesn’t) as a “koozie.” Perhaps they might charge phones, too.

  71. I had to cancel our home phone because we just never used it- It was loud and ringy and dumb. We just use our cell phones and life is perfect now.

  72. Oh, Jenny! This is the exact same conversation I have overheard between my parents, only without the profanity, because the worst word uttered in their house might just be “Shit” or “Damn”. (Their generation doesn’t believe in f-bombs, unfortunately). 🙂 Love this so much.

  73. i was going to ask why you didn’t call the rspca or whatever animal rescue is called in your part of the world as it obviously looked mistreated and the owner needed to be reported. who knew they were supposed to look like that? i’m amazed that victor actually turned the car around for a second look.

  74. When my husband wants some peace and quiet (or he just wants to take a mid-day nap…he’s retired and naps often), he just unplugs the phones AND FORGETS TO PLUG THEM BACK IN! Who needs phone cozies if you unplug all the fucking phones? Now all the phones are in their little cozies and not ringing not because they are dead, but because they are TURNED OFF! WTF?

  75. My phone is always “chargered” but I refuse to answer it. I will call you back when it pleases me. Or possibly not at all.

  76. In a related story, I’ve had to explain WHY I took the battery out of the cordless house phone. Because it rings all the time w/telemarketers calling. Then when the baby picks it up to play w/it, sometimes she accidentally CALLS the telemarketers. Why would I NOT take the battery out? Annoying.

  77. I think that you should create something and call it a koozie and it’ll be a fluffy container that you put your phone in that’s completely sound proof. That way it can be nice and quiet and Victor can still have it on the charger.

    Everyone wins.

    Or no one.

    But you get to make fluffy koozies.

  78. Holey crap, How can the…”comments are closed on this entry” ?

    No wonder your phone is broken, proly has a big hairball from the sasquatchupagus pic.
    If’n I only had hair like that un. guess the comments weren’t completely closed, HA !

  79. Tell Victor that you will start putting the phones back in the their little phone koozies when he learns how to change the toilet paper roll properly.

    And THAT is how you win that argument.

  80. This reminds a lot about a similar convo I have with my husband about BBQ sauce and/or ketchup and how I don’t keep the lid from getting gross. I don’t care. He does. Look how easy it is to clean, he says. Good, I’m glad it’s easy, then you’ll be able to handle, I say. Why don’t you clean it then, he asks. Because, like I said, I don’t care, I reply. Why don’t you care? Why do you care? It’s disgusting, he says. So clean it, I tell him. I will, he says. Fine. Fine. Does anyone ever really win??

  81. Now jobs is gone no one is going to be able to figure out how to wirelessly charge phones. I’ve been waiting for that invention since they reduce the mobile phones from those brick size monstrosities. Now, it seems, it’ll never happen.

  82. My kids like to hide the phones after they use them, so if I tell the children that the phones won’t work unless they reside on the chargers, I can actually find a phone to answer it when it rings. Self-preservation.

    But then again, I am a fan of the mute button for all phones for naptime. Mine, I mean. Also self-preservation.

  83. You know what else works well? Ringer mute. I turned it on for naptime (mine) and never took it off….also means the teenager can’t exercise his urge to talk talk talk talk talk….

  84. I’m pretty sure that “phone koozie” refers to an ear STD that you get from using any pay phone in the Baltimore area.

  85. My phone doesn’t have a charger. It does have a cord though. Yeah, I didn’t know they still make those either.

  86. I’m with you Jenny. Embrace the solitude whenever you can.

    Of course if the zombies show up at your house you’re screwed; but the cops probably wouldn’t come anyway if you told them that you were being attacked by zombies, so really it’s no big deal.

  87. Know what freaks me out about Chargers? 1. the way they seem to multiply during the holidays, and 2. how much I actually have to resist buying such a stupid item right after Thanksgiving. (I don’t even have a holiday meal at my home, and can barely justify a Christmas tree, why would I need decorative plateware?)

  88. Ummm… Sexis? I clicked on the link, got a HUGE red warning sign that said something along the lines of “This link is unauthorized and blocked by …. (unnamed employer)” followed by a telephone call from said unnamed employer security team person 100 miles away. I tried to explain that the site was safe for work, but now I’m on the “never do that again” list.

  89. I think “koozie” is the term my parents used for “girl parts,” or, as my friend likes to call it, “the front wiener.” so this post is making me feel more embarrassed than necessary. ps i am not horribly mature.

  90. Why does Victor even try? He knows losing is inevitable, either the argument, his temper, or his dignity since you will inevitably blog it. Perhaps if Beyonce were holding the chargers/koozies?


  91. I thought you were talking about cell phone coozies, and I was going to talk about the Cthulhu cell phone coozie that I crocheted. But, never mind.

  92. Victor’s ambiguity is really to blame for today’s squabble.

    Chargers. He could’ve meant (1) for the phone, (2) the San Diego team, (3) the Dodge sedan, (4) the superfluous plates, or apparently (5) a cavalry horse trained for battle. Personally, I would’ve opted for the kickass warhorse as my phone accessory.

  93. Can’t the Sasquatch come plug it in? Oh no, it can’t, because it’s a giant dreadlocked ASS! It’s true no one won, but if Victor wants phone calls – you apparently don’t care if the phone isn’t ringing – HE needs to plug in the phones.

  94. Not to change the subject but today my husband wanted to drive me past a house with a giant “tin rooster” in the yard. I’m Normally not all that interested in lawn ornaments but this one I had to see. It was beyonce’s freakishly huge cousin. The one that everybody is uncomfortably nice to at family reunions because they’re all slightly afraid…..

  95. I don’t think there is such thing as a hard, plastic, coozie. Just sayin’. Maybe foam. Maybe flimsy, squishy plastic. But charger doesn’t = coozie. Victor wins. FOR ONCE.

  96. This is why I only have a cell phone. I used to have a landline back when one was necessary to get on the internet (damn AOL, that dial up tone will haunt my dreams for years) and most of the time I lost the phone to the abyss of my bedroom because I forgot to put it on the “koozie”…I’m glad I know the correct term now, too bad I’ll probably never use one again.


  97. I think a phone koozie is actually that hideous rubber thing people put on their phones supposedly to protect it if it’s dropped. But seriously, we all know people use phone koozies because they miss dressing Barbie dolls.

    Ever see one of those rubber phone koozies with rhinestones? That’s country-western-barbie-phone-koozie.

    I, too, hate the phone charger. It just looks so uncomfortable sitting up so straight. I think the phone is happier where I put it: between two cushions in the couch.

  98. No offense, but my senior father has suddenly forgotten that you need to charge up your cell phone. He’s whining about his phone not working. When I asked him if he’s been charging the battery, he pauses to think and says he can’t remember the last time he charged it. He then said that he can just take it to Walmart, they’ll charge it there. It’s a service he thinks they offer. WTF? I told him he had to just charge the damn phone in his house, and if he doesn’t remember how, he should go to the place where he bought the phone, and they’ll show him how to do it.

    The folks at the cell phone store must love me!

  99. I’m the opposite of you, I can’t stand not having as many fully charged electronics as possible. I’ve murdered so many laptops ’cause I never go anywhere so they just sit on their chargers being eaten by constantly having electricity. So unfair. My obsessive plugging in suits me well when it comes to my Android, at least, since that fucker is constantly almost dead.

  100. I’ll take a carton of neuro gasm. Although I am a little concerned about what it might taste like. Seriously, gasm from a bottle…… Nice job on the sponsorship.

  101. I love how Victor is wrong even when (if) he’s “right”. You’re rubber and he’s SO glue! Yay!

  102. I loose my phone all the time except for the one that’s attached to the wall it’s always where I leave it. and it never runs flat. My husband doesn’t always answer it, neither do I. they’ll ring back if it is important

  103. I don’t know, it sounds like a perfectly normal conversation in my household. Especially after I told my husband that the check book register was just a place where nerds showed off their math skills.

  104. “Unless you are putting the cheap white paper plates on a charger. Then that would be capital K Klassy!” This is what we do. We have cheap (insert who-the-eff-cares college football team that my husband adores) plastic plates that we put paper plates on top of. Who knew they had a name and we were so classy? I’ll be the Queen of Wal-mart now, take that you posers.

  105. Really, I think that you need to buy Victor a charger (the plate) for Christmas and give it to him with all the phones in the house piled on top, just to make him happy.

  106. You know what the best thing about this was? Learning what a “charger” is. When she said they’re those plates you put plates in I thought, “What the hell is she talking about?” Because in two years of required home economics in middle school where we watched film strips that, based on the behavior and dress of the people in them, were made before the invention of film, and which taught us how to set a table and how to behave on a date (the boy tells the girl, “The chicken is excellent” as a way of saying, “The chicken is the most expensive thing I can afford here”) I never once learned what a charger is.

    My home economics education is now complete.

  107. I live in DC but totally want to meet Victor. You two should tour the country. With your chargers and koozies.

  108. MEN!!! Seriously!

    My husband wanders around the house turning off lights, putting the phones on the chargers, closing windows, shutting cupboards and drawers… WTF?

    And he’ll say, “Well, I see DANI was here…” as he puts something away/closes a door/puts the dead phone back on the charger.

    Conclusion? Men are fuckers.

  109. Wow. Of all the ways that could have gone, I didn’t see the homonym coming at all.
    I guess buy now I should no to expect the unexpected here in Bloggess-ville…

  110. plates for you plates is so you table isn’t naked before the plates arrive……and yes the house is quieter without all that ringing. Apparently we have a 3 Koozie limit in this house. I used them – if I could find them……

  111. When I see the word koozie, I think of something to keep my beer cold. If there was a koozie (a.k.a charger) and no beer, it would be completely pointless to me, too.

  112. Go to Goodwill and get Victor a Princess Phone, they have tons of old phones there (yeah i go to Goodwill, I’m American damn it) maybe you will luck out and get him one with rotary dial. Go ahead, show him how much you love him and care.

  113. Yeah, I made the mistake of telling my dad he was wrong while on the phone last night. It went just about as well.


  114. My phones are always charged. So the blasted things RING. And sometimes I actually have to answer it. DAMN! Soon enough Victor will realize you’re actually doing him a favor, keeping the peace in your home in your own special way. . Hmmm I think I’m going to accidentally on purpose leave my phones off their chargers now. Leave a message at the beep.

  115. Jenny, as has often been said here, living with you must be very… interesting.

    I don’t know whether to envy Victor or pity him. I do hope he gets those phones figured out. And even though you and Victor both came out of that conversation as losers, we, your readers, all win!

    As always, you’ve brought a smile to my face. You have a rare talent for writing, and a very odd but witty (bizarre?) sense of humor. I can hardly wait for your book!

  116. We had a discussion about this last night. The wife needed a phone that was charged to call her Mom and lo and behold, they were all dead, hidden in couch cushions, piles of paperwork on the desk and somehow, in the bathroom behind the toilet on the floor.

    Amazingly, she couldn’t comprehend why “there’s never a phone charged up in this house”. Again, I never use the things, she’s the only person who touches them in the entire household.

  117. You actually still have a home phone? Well, ok we do have one but it’s the old school corded variety in case the electricity goes out and we can’t charge our cell phones. And the world gas supply has been used up and we can’t charge them in the car. We’re prepared for the Zombie Apocolypse if “prepared” means 6 cases of Coke Zero and a corded phone.

  118. My mom made me an “art installation” from plate charges once. it looked ridiculous on the wall but no less useful then on the table. Thank goodness that compound that could glue anything together didn’t glue plastic to wood.

  119. Charging a phone is important. How else are you going to get someone to rescue you when you’re in a deserted public bathroom with no toilet paper?

  120. I am less disturbed about you calling phone chargers “koozies” than I am about the fact that you have phones in your home that require charging bases.

  121. While I am the phone koozy police in our house, I have real issues with diaper disposal. They are petit paquets stashed around the house. It’s pretty gross, I’ll admit. I even wrote a blog post about it once a long time ago, hoping that would cure me. It didn’t.

  122. I know, right? When we all have electric cars, we’re going to have to put them back on the Kar Koozies every night as well…or just stay home where it’s, you know, peaceful.

  123. I have a ‘koozie’ for my wine glass….I think they should actually be called ‘boozies’ instead…..not that my wine ever stays in my glass long enough to get warm…

  124. I’m going to call the chargers ‘koozies’ from this day forward.
    You make me laugh, woman.

  125. I just love Victor. He’s so optimistic that you’re going to remember to put the phones on the chargers/koozies; isn’t he? And you, crack me up. Your blog just made my day! Again.

  126. To charge or not to charge; that is the question!

    P.S. I must confess, I have gold charger plates in my sideboard/china thingy. Do you still love me?
    P.P.S. Tell ‘KnottedFingers’ she has to take her handset to Radio Shack & get new rechargeable batteries; just did it & can’t tell you how happy I am to have a phone that will actually hold a charge!
    P.P.P.S. As always, I got a charge out of your post:)

  127. Okay, I have to admit that I charge my GrUBB (Grown Up BlackBerry) every morning…BUT I have had the same BlackBerry for two and a half years. I have simply refused to upgrade, much to the chagrin of the T-mobile’s associates, instead choosing to replace the battery and have not gone anywhere near the iPhone (though I am sure it is amazing). And, of course, there is the fairy that lives in my BlackBerry whom I can’t abandon…from time to time, she exhorts me to “say a command,” to which I happily respond, “Prevail!”

    I just adore my BlackBerry.

    {Happy sigh.}

    To infinity and beyond…by way of my GrUBB!

    Prevail~Tattoo Girl

  128. When I was in Australia one of the greatest discoveries I made was the fact that life is really peaceful and you are way more aware of your surroundings when your phone doesn’t work.

    But then, like two months after I returned, I forgot all about that peace.

    I think I’m going to leave my phone on silent all day tomorrow.

  129. Seriously…
    “put the phone on the charger”
    “don’t walk up to carniverous looking bears”
    “don’t buy towels and five foot giant metal chickens”
    “don’t put creepy monkeys on my shoulder and make them speak to me.”

    Is there anything Victor is happy with you doing?

  130. Chargers ARE ridiculous. For the plates, I mean. I’ve accidentally started serving myself food on them, so I’m guessing I’ve now ingested toxic Chinese faux-gold coatings. If you use them, does that mean you don’t need placemats? Is a tablecloth not decoration enough? Do you wash them after the meal as you would with the other dishes? Can you buy them anywhere except TJ Maxx or senior citizen catalogs?

  131. HAHAHA My parents have this exact same argument every. single. day. And they share it with us every. time. we. visit.

  132. this sounds a lot like the conversation my husband and I have where he whined that there is no seltzer in the house because I *might* be prone to drinking half of the can and forgetting about it, then it goes flat, and I open another. I don’t see the problem. He has even gone as far as to nickname me “half can tan” I think it’s a dig because I have a flat ass.

  133. We don’t use phone koozies either, but my wife tells me that if I play this game she calls, ‘Pin The Tail On The Samsung’ every couple of days, our phones will always work.

    I know, right? Don’t ask me how she figured THAT out.

    My wife, she’s so smahht. She’s like a supergeenius or something.


  134. I think your heading of ‘no one thinks this is funny but me’ is a misnomer.
    You’re frickin’ hilarious!
    I love your humor. Keep it. Don’t let anyone else run off with it. There are sneaky web-creeps that will steal away with it in the night. Just keep a bat handy. 🙂

  135. Victor, I hope you understand how blessed you are to have Jenny in your life. Without her, you’d live a peaceful, boring, everyday existence, and you’d be complacent. And quite possibly married to someone who nags about everything EXCEPT anything interesting.

    With that said, I recommend you see a counselor. You probably need one.

    (And Jenny, you should probably pay for it. But I still love you.)

    P.S. Phone koozies are for losers. Just buy a new phone! Amirite or amirite?

  136. Apparently he is ungrateful and doesn’t realize if you didn’t leave the phones off of the koozies, he couldn’t gather them all and place them there, thereby making him feel useful.

    Gosh. Why can’t he realize that you’re doing all of this for him?

  137. Victor and my husband can go off stomping together cause I get yelled at for having Voip connected to a computer that doesn’t work. I mean really, like it matters. No one has that number anyway.

  138. House phones are as pointless as plate chargers…or is it charger plates…I’m sure all mentioned are useless. Trying to check twitter and facebook on a landline is an exercise in futility. I can, however, play angry birds on a house phone, but apparently people complain when you throw electronics at pigs.

    On a side note, they have solar chargers for cell phones, perhaps they should invent the same for house phones to avoid the need to even have chargers.

  139. I don’t, have a land line, plate chargers and Koozies must be American things that we Australians don’t understand (like Kardashians…aren’t they star trek characters? ) BUT Jenny, you follow me on Twitter and that makes my younger sister stare at me in awe, and despite the fact I have no idea what you are on about
    VICTOR YOU ARE WRONG and I will defend to the death (or zombiedom) this assertion

  140. We fight about using the phones too much and where the chargers are. We probably have 5 between us for 2 phones. Sarcastically….it’s all dripping with sweet sarcasm, though.

  141. Wow! Thank you! I continuously wanted to write on my blog something like that. Can I implement a fragment of your post to my site?

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