If it's Saturday this must be San Angelo

I’m still on tour and I’m in San Angelo today so come see me (at 1pm) if you can!  (Tour details are right here.)   My parents will be there so you can actually see that they’re real and not make-believe.

I don’t have a real post for today because I’m still recovering from last night’s tour, which included firetrucks, ambulances, blood, booze, alarms and a stuffed frogs.

Best tour ever.

PS.  By popular request…Everyone Says Fuck Off in iTunes.

95 thoughts on “If it's Saturday this must be San Angelo

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  1. Awh, those pics are awesome! 🙂 Looks like you’re having a great time, AND you got to sign boobs! Last night sounds pretty crazy, hope all’s well. Also – yay for ‘Everyone Says Fuck Off’. 😀

  2. I distinctively remember SOMEBODY saying that they were going to be sitting alone at a rickety table in some abandoned book store for the majority of their book tour (pretending to text people on their mobile, getting pitying looks from the Management Assistants, drinking heavily, etc). And that they weren’t even going to bother with demanding zebra eggs in their dressing room because they didn’t think they were rock star enough.

    You have been proved *SO* wrong. 😀

  3. congratulations! I hope your publisher sends you & your horde of ethical embalmed friends to Australia, especially Sydney.
    I’m especially glad that there are zany, weird people in the world. And that a book by an amazingly zany, weird person gets published and makes the number 1 best seller list!

  4. I cannot think of a single person other than you who would autograph breasts and Xanax bottles and then willingly go to San Angelo.

    Well, other than Dubya.

    Seriously, congrats on the tour’s success, on the friggin NY Times top of the pops list, WOOT, and on avoiding arrest by officials from Parks and Wildlife and the Ferret Protection Society.

    You do rock.

  5. Jenny, I am still in awe that you ARE on tour. You’re kind of a big deal. If you were coming to Canada I’d totally come visit you. Where’s the love for Canada?

  6. So I’m following your adventures and looking at your pictures, and I keep thinking “I can’t believe this happening to someone I know!” And “Wow, my friend is a New York Times best-seller! And then I remember we’ve never met. That’s the Bloggess magic! I DO know you, probably better than most of my friends and family. And I am so proud of you! I want an “I am Jenny Lawson” t-shirt!

  7. Well, now you have to tell is what happened. Did a crazed fan murder someone in the crowd? Did you all get drunk and then start passing out? Also, you got to sign boobs. So jealous.

  8. Hey! Change my litter before you leave.

    Oh crap; you’re gone. Check your shoes when you get home. No wait, don’t.

    You left without feeding me again. Just for that I’m going to go all grammarless on you. “Your the forgetfullest lady of the land of you’re. Yore going to miss me when their giving me tuna on one of there Roman sofa things.”

  9. So here’s what’s funny: I don’t know you in person, but reading your blog for about a year and following you through this publishing experience has apparently made us best friends in my mind. Last night, I said to my sister-in-law, “Have you ever read ‘The Bloggess?’ My friend Jenny writes this hilarious blog full of inappropriate humor and – ohmygod.” And then I covered my mouth and realized what I just said.

    So it’s just your friend, Melanie, checking in to say way to go! And thanks for the friendship. 🙂

  10. I bought your book last night and laughed so hard my husband is going to read it when I’m finished. Your blog makes so much more sense now. 🙂

  11. Congratulations again! Also, I finished your book the other day and shipped it off to a friend of mine who now MUST READ IT OR ELSE. Now I have to go get myself another copy, because she’s my bestie but she is impossible to get loaned books back from. Bright side? My new copy won’t have random food stains in it like the old one does. BWA HA HA

  12. If you’re just half as amazing all these other places as you were in Austin, you’re totally blowing everyone away!

    Austin was FAB!

  13. I very much enjoyed your rendition of “Shock the Monkey” when the little girl asked if she could touch your monkey while you signed my books. Perfect. Also? Dallas knows how to party. If partying = passing out and/or puking for hours in a book store bathroom. Pretty sure that’s the definition.

  14. Jenny,

    In Auckland, New Zealand, I am 27th on the library waiting list for your book.

    Bugger.

    Howz about you come Down Under after San Angelo?

    Just head south. Way south.

  15. My night also included booze and alarms, but sadly, you were not there, so my night sucked.

    I’m trying to convince Carl that dressing the baby up as Copernicus is a good thing when I go to see you in Miami, but he’s no having it. “The baby looks more like Beyonce,” he says.

  16. Fire trucks, ambulances, booze, etc. Oh my! Sounds like you are pioneering a new kind of book signing event. I read about Stanley last night. It made me laugh in a tortured sort of way. Reminded me a bit of the times when I was little and I would make hoof prints with the dismembered legs from my grandpa’s hunting trips.

  17. yanno..I wasn’t worried, until you said stuffed frogs.

    -now- I’m worried.

    Is your Daddy selling bobcat urine today? cause…it sounds like something that would be appropriate for my dad

  18. You mentioned the frogs! I am so excited! I really hope you like them. It gave me such a thrill when, after I told you the story about them, you said they had been waiting for you. Because when I found out they were still there, I told my husband, “They have been waiting patiently for five years, for me to get these and give them to her, so they could have a happy home.”
    My husband gave me what I imagine is a very Victor-esque look, and said something about how I am weird, and stuffed frogs seem up there with boiled bunnies on the inappropriate gift list. He just doesn’t understand the glamour of fancy art.
    Also, Meeting you made my year. You are like my imaginary best friend, who keeps me company when I am trying to hide from myself. You give me so much courage. I could not be happier for you and your success.

  19. I am still sick with disappointment that I couldn’t come to your signing in Austin. Maybe I’ll catch you next time. Sounds like it’s a rocking good time!

  20. I was there! I saw the blood and the ambulance! I drank the booze! And I got Jenny to sign my book saying that we are best friends! (I’ll go ahead and mention that she also put “, sorta” after it.) So… thanks for being my best friend.

  21. Not much of the Midwest in that book tour! Please come to Illinois!!! There’s plenty of blog-fodder here…we’re insane. And bored. And frequently drunk. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease????

  22. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. Your book needs to come with a warning. It should state, “Do not take this book into the urologist’s office while waiting for your husband to have his vasectomy. Men who are sitting in the office waiting for their vasectomy or prostate exam or whatever will not take kindly to you sitting in the room with them laughing so hard that tears are rolling down your face.” They also did not seem to appreciate my apology and explanation as to how funny you are. But hey, I posted a picture of your book on my Facebook page and now lots of my friends are going to read it too!

  23. Like everyone else, I’m pretty devastated you’re not coming to my neck of the woods. Which is Seattle.

    Maybe next time you go on tour?

    At any rate, the book is awesome and would totally come see you if I was in Texas.

  24. I want to live just one day in your crazy, twisted, messed up, unbelievable life.

    Stuffed frogs, booze and firetrucks on top of the whole best selling book tour would probably be too much for me to handle for any longer than that!

  25. Hi,
    Just finished your book. Loved it. 🙂 Thanks for your 10 years of mysterious bodily fluids that helped with this. And maybe give a shout out to Victor, since he allllllmost seems like a co-writer, at times.

  26. Come back to FortWorth/Dallas at the end of the tour!!! A few of us missed the book signing 🙁

  27. Good Lord. Could you please come to Durham, NC? It would give me an excuse to buy something taxidermied for you to sign. . . I am halfway through the audio book and am loving it so much that I kept playing it even after picking up my daughter from elementary school last week…I told her that anytime she heard a word start with an “f” sound to put her fingers in her ears. . .

  28. Sounds like Texans throw much more exciting book-signings than Californians! I mean, minus the Punky Brewster part…and that famous author flying in to meet you.

  29. I love those pictures. You’re amazing and so, so beautiful. I still wish you were coming to Columbus, Ohio, but I will have to be content with “just” a copy of your hilarious book (sitting on my coffee table right now, actually). God bless ya, Jenny!

  30. If I had planned better, I would have made the drive to San Angelo today… because Dallas was fabulous and getting to see your parents (I am assuming that your Daddy will have The Cat’s Meow for sale at the signing) would be awesome!

    Hope that it goes well and that you have a fabulous weekend!

  31. This is not even fair. What happened that all of those things were involved? Have fun in San Angelo. I will be stabbing my friends. Or at least trying to.

  32. I am going to admit, Jenny, that I haven’t bought a copy of your book yet because I have hope you will add a tour date close to me so I can buy a copy in store for you to sign. 😀

    The booze, booze part of last night sounds fun! Rest well and recover! 😀

  33. I live in the wrong part of the country. Nothing that exciting ever happens here. We don’t even have armadillos. Enjoy the rest of the book tour. Wish I were there!

  34. Is there some sort of petition somewhere that we can sign to get you to come do a reading/book signing in Minnesota? Cause I’ll sign it and I’m certain I can get the rest of the MN Traveling Red Dress ladies on board. Seriously- we have the biggest.freakin’.mall.in.the.country with a Barnes and Noble and EVERYTHING! The restrooms are roomy, there is an indoor amusement park and we could go bowling afterwards up on the 4th floor!
    And we even did advance marketing! We were all over the mall in our red dresses just like a week ago! Please come and read to us!

  35. Glad you stopped by in San Angelo, you are just as funny in person as you are in print. 😉

  36. Thanks for coming to San Angelo! BTW a very nice older couple who evidently know your dad mistook me for you in the cafe at Hastings. It was very confusing because knew my name and everything. When they realized their mistake they told me that “all white people look the same”. So thanks for that experience!

  37. So I was reading your book while in the waiting room at the doctor’s office, and I kept laughing while trying NOT to laugh. My mascara was running. My teenage daughter was smirking at my inability to get my sh*t together. Then a nice normal looking woman near me says, “What are you reading?” I show her the cover, attempt to smile, and then lean over and whisper to my daughter, “I can’t tell this woman that I just read a series of sentences containing the words ‘popcorn’ and ‘vagina’ can I?” Daughter says, “I totally want to read that book.”

  38. I swear, if I could pick one place to be right now it would be at this book signing. To see your parents there, just sitting there. I wouldn’t even talk to them, just watch them for a corner.
    Okay, this sounds really creepy. I swear I wouldn’t do anything wrong. I’m just curious about the ones who raised you. I bet I’ll look at them and think “But they look so normal” which is exactly what people who didn’t know my grandmother thought of her. Of course they didn’t know about the chickens or how she slept with the eggs in her bed to warm them up during a cold night. On the outside she was pretty normal, but there’s nothing normal about forcing a child to drink something that should be eaten with a spoon in the middle of the night.

  39. Just bought your book to take with me to stuffy olde England- When I asked for it at Village Books- the clerk lit up and scampered quick as a bug, with shrieks of delight ( she has already read it)- over to the last two copies left in the store!!! Dear GAWD! What luck! Big sign in front of your book which was also in the front of the store- ” STORE PICK”…So, this better be good, Missy…I am counting on you to get me through the London Bleah. I feel so lucky to have bought the last of three copies already! Jesus! Success much? LOVE love LOVE

  40. …so I was sitting on the couch today realizing that now that you’ve got a number 1 selling book … there will be a movie!!! Who will play Victor?

  41. Whoa! That sounds like a blog worthy night! Can’t wait to hear about it.. :). My friend came to your book signing today and had a book autographed for me! So wished I could meet you in person. <3

  42. Thanks for coming to San Angelo – it was fantastic. I won’t mention all of the fabulous things that happened at this signing so the rest of the world doesn’t get jealous. Actually the best part was standing in line listening to all of the people who knew you when you were little. Stunningly, none of them had predicted that you would become a world renowned expert on either zombies or lady gardens.

  43. Hi Jenny,
    I’m a new fan which is definitely better than an old fan because that means your witty magnificence has crossed a barrier from obligated friends, family and early deranged brain washed crazies into main stream insanity and I’m not sure who should be more frightened…You or the world. 🙂

    I loved your book. Laughed until I cried. Literally. In a upscale restaurant, by myself because I am on a trip out of town this weekend and I had to stop reading because I couldn’t stop laughing loudly, again by myself, which looked super strange and at the point my entree came and the tears were streaming down my face, they probably thought I was crying because I was all alone in this very expensive restaurant reading some deeply moving novel instead of visualizing sex concussions a la bunk bed which took me 5 minutes of deep breathing to clear from my mind. I had bunk beds growing up and hit my head often but no sex was involved since I was like 7 but you had me perfectly in the moment of yours. Thanks for sharing.

    Also, as a gift, I paid full price for your book at the airport which I never do because I’m a book whore and I only order from Amazon where I can get the best bang for my buck plus free 2 day shipping but since I’m on the road and had heard about your book a few days ago, when I saw it at the airport book store (yes, that means you have officially made it in the world) I wanted to honor your journey appropriately and hope the extra profit goes towards something meaningful like a new pet. Living or not. Your choice. 🙂

    Bravo and congrats on your journey. You are an inspiration and delight, Jenny Lawson.
    Thank you for the laughter. It’s the best gift ever. Looking forward to Book 2!
    -Leandra

  44. Thank you for signing my book in Angelo! It would have been better if I had actually been there! My friend Albert was awesome enough to snag a copy while he was there. He was the one that showed you the autographed pic of Wil Wheaton holding a spatula 😀

  45. wish you were coming to Orlando while in FL! 🙁

    maybe there will be a leg #2?

    also you have many fans in Chicago. 🙂

  46. We are so happy for you and inspired by your success! I LOVE the photo of you bringing the crowd to tears of joy! Have a wonderful Sunday! Cindy

  47. And now, my iTunes library contains one more song which will get me sent to Hell, I’m sure. But, I still bust a gut when I listened to it!

    ~EdT.

  48. Would you quit fucking around and please come to Virginia already? I am getting tired of asking random strangers to sign my boobs.

  49. I appreciate the shout out on your blog! I’m the fainting, bloodied, ambulance, fire truck summoner. So sorry I passed out before getting to talk to you! Maybe on your next book I can get to sign my new scar at the signing?? I’m naming it Jenny! ! Still – you biggest (fainting) fan

  50. Sadly we didn’t get our books signed at the event because all of the craziness caused my pregnant friend to have Braxton-Hicks pains so we had to leave (luckily not in an ambulance though). Is there another way we could get our books signed? We were so excited to drive an hour to come see you and so so bummed that we couldn’t actually meet you.

  51. I read your book and it rocked! I’m in high school and we have to do book talks and one of the book talks has to be a nonfiction book. I did a book talk on your book and everyone said they were going to go out and buy one. Also I’m sure it was the only book talk done on such an “inapproiate book” as my English teacher called it. This would be more funny to you if you knew my English teacher who once told me I was going to hell for having three earings in each of my ears. She is not a fan. But everyone in my English class is. Of your book not my ear rings.

  52. Dallas Bloddy Fainter! I hope you’re doing okay ~ I was the lady with the pink Japanese fan, fanning you and speaking softly to the nurse who was helping keep you calm and relatively comfy until the paramedics arrived. 🙂 So glad to see you posting, and I hope you’re feeling better!

    Jenny ~ I was totally tongue-tied and unable to speak to you when you signed my book. Seriously, I think I may have said something like, “Arrrrghhhhhh, bleh blaj bloo…errrrr….you’rethebestiloveyousquee.” But you complimented my butterfly dress and took a picture with me, even though I was a sweaty, incomprehensible, slightly drunk (omg…a bar in a bookstore? why don’t I live in Fairview, TX?) fangrrrrrl.

    I’ve been reading for a long time…you linked to my blog from Good Mom, Bad Mom a l-o-n-g time ago…and I tell everyone I know about you, and the Red Dresses, and Becoming Furiously Happy. You help me every time I have a public speaking engagement for work, while I wear my Confidence (something…I don’t wear wigs, but I always have on SOMETHING that makes me feel good about being me!) and remind myself that everyone in the room has had diarrhea at some point, so I can talk to them with stammering and sweating (much) and having to run and hide in the rest room.

    You rock, lady. I’m so proud of you ~ for being able to stand up in front of a couple hundred laughing, catcalling crazy people…for writing a best seller (squeee!)…for being you, and letting the rest of us come along on the ride that is your life. Thanks. For everything.

  53. PETA is a terrorist organization. While part of their leadership does not mind using porcine insulin to control her diabetes, she thinks that having pets are evil. And they would like to free (ie expose most research animals to death) those animals at research facilities. And the research that pets are used for does not only help humans, it helps ANIMALS. SO Fuck off PETA and your scare tactics. You are just as bad as those people that kill doctors that perform abortions.

  54. If you ever come to the Seattle/Tacoma area in Washington state and some weary looking woman hands you a copy of your book to sign with marinara sauce staining some of the pages, that will be me. I finally got my copy today and couldn’t put it down long enough to make and eat dinner. 🙂

  55. I think its awesome that you signed someone’s cleavage. 😀

    You should totally come to Canada. Specifically Montreal cause that’s where you could sign my book. 😛

  56. I’m STILL furiously happy that I got to sit at your feet (literally – I sat on the floor right in front) at Book People in Austin AND then get you to sign my book and other stuff (you didn’t read that long paper with all the words, did you?). But my friend now has my copy of your book (since I already read everything in it except what you wrote. With the Sharpie.) AND the only copy of the picture we took! I don’t mind telling you that as happy as I am, I’m starting to feel a little stabby because I don’t have them. Yet.

    You should totally devote the entire summer to traveling the country with Hailey (and Victor, if he insists) signing books and reading the chapter about [SPOILER ALERT!] … ODing on Ex-Lax. That would be educational for Hailey and make a lot of people furiously happy. And it would probably boost book sales. Enough so the publisher would pay for the whole trip. Maybe you could stretch it out to Christmas to take advantage of holiday sales, too. You’re welcome.

  57. So I finally got a second to sit down and catch up on how the tour is going. My 5 year old is sitting next to me writing down all the names of animals she knows. And, she can’t read complicated words, so I felt we were pretty safe here unti l scrolled past the picture of you autographing the breast. She said, “That is just wrong. Why is she signing her boob? Can I sign my own boob?” And starts making room to slip her dry erase marker into her shirt… And this is why I’m going to have to be more careful reading. Congrats on number 1 on the list!

  58. Hey there lady,

    I have three pieces of info for you, so it must be you lucky day.

    First Congrats on the book, you nut bucket. Second, I f you have a cell phone or a tablet or a Kindle or something electronic, I found this awesome skin that just seems to fit you and your life. http://www.decalgirl.com/artwork/3590/Wrong-Place-Wrong-Time

    And finally, bad news, good news. Unless I WANT to get lucky, I can no longer read thebloggess blog in bed after hubby has gone to sleep. Last night I laughed so hard, but I have to laugh inside, so I don’t wake up the DH, so the sound comes out kind of groany, gaspy, and the bed shakes as I spasm with inside laughter, so I think DH thought I was masturbating because his hand started creeping up my thigh. The good news is that your blog IS sexually stimulated and can be used as foreplay!

  59. There is a wonderful city in the southwest called Phoenix. No, it’s NOT in Mexico, it’s in Arizona, though depending on what part of the city you are in, you might not realize it. We actually have small areas (Guadalupe, anyone?!) where the signs are in Mexican, and it looks like you crossed the border when you crossed the street!

    Well, that wasn’t a glowing recommendation, was it? And no, I’m not a racist. I have friends that are Mexicans. (Isn’t that always what people say to prove they aren’t racist?

    “Some of my FRIENDS are (insert race here).”

    I should start again.

    Phoenix is the best city ever. It’s better than *insert no-longer-existing biblical city here*. You will love it here. You should totally come here during your book tour! We promise to make sure you get on the plane, because your husband would never forgive us if you didn’t go home, because you won’t want to leave you’ll love it so much!

    That being said, your book is wonderful. Definitely funnier than the bible. (Don’t go hatin’ me, it’s Wil Wheaton that said it!) We were in the airport waiting for our flight, and my husband kept laughing out loud…which he almost never does. I’d ask him what’s funny, and he’d read a clip to me. Then I told him to read some more. He read me almost half the book by the time we got on that plane. (I realize almost is subjective…that’s why I used it. He really did read me a lot though.)

    In case you need a quote for your ad campaign:
    Jenny Lawson’s newest book is “intellectually challenging and chronologically surreal. Like if Memento was a book. About dead dogs and vaginas and puppets made of squirrel corpses.” (What do you mean spell checker on this webpage doesn’t recognize vaginas? Vagina is ok, but the plural form isn’t? That is so wrong. )

    I guess you want something a little more original. Or less plagiaristic. And fewer words that spell checker doesn’t

    Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir by Jenny Lawson (or is it Jeri Ryan? No, I checked, it’s Jenny Lawson.) recently won the DeAmbra Book of the Year award . This prestigious, semi-annual award is given to books that both he AND she can agree are their favorite book that year. (Some years go unawarded. ) It is a masterpiece of humor and quirkiness, and Lawson’s original flavor and flair will make you take a look at your life in a whole new perspective.

    I’m glad my husband pre-ordered a copy for his Nook, since there are shortages in some areas and I didn’t want to wait for the electronic copies to be restocked.

    We DO love your book Jenny. I love to write, and on a rare occasion a book comes along and inspires me. Yours did. Thank you for your sense of humor. We look forward to your next book.

  60. Hello Jenny!

    Love your site! But you are neglecting Arizona. You really should come to arizona! And please do come when I am not out of town. Unless you are then going to be where I am going, but since I wont know when you are coming, I wont know where you are going to be ..so it would really just work out if you came to arizona. Or you could come to my house in the middle of the week. I am always in town in the middle of the week. I mean who goes anywhere in the middle of the week, unless you are on vacation, then you are gone but it is your vacation so that is totally acceptable.
    Since you probably need a drink after reading this post, just know you need to come to Arizona!
    cheers
    Diana

  61. I know the drawing for the audiobook is over on that Florida post but there were way too many people in that thread and besides the light is much better over here. At this point the odds over there would have been 1 in 3500 while here it’s only 0 in 93. That’s better, right?

  62. We would love to have the audio version of your book for our library- we own the book (its hilarious!)

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