And now for something completely different.

During the last book club I mentioned that I write a lot of poetry, but I keep it to myself because it’s fairly terrible, but today I’m making an exception and sharing some haikus I wrote when I found Ferrris Mewler inexplicably on top of the door, terrifying the magpies that make their nests in the eaves.

Flying Cat

Sweet Ferrris Mewler,
How did you manage to fly
as high as a cloud?

Here I am, dumbstruck.
Did you swing from the chain of
our (now) broken lamp?

You waste your talent.
We have lamps that need dusting
and gutters to clean.

Fuck with those birds more
and I’ll break your goddam legs,
you furry bastard.

PS.

Stop yelling, PETA.
I’m a pacifist. It’s called:
Poetic license.

And that’s why I don’t share my poetry.  You’re welcome, world.

190 thoughts on “And now for something completely different.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. The mystery of the flying cat….no cat nip needed, just some pixie dust …or scotch! Cheers!!

  2. That is pretty much my favorite picture ever. I like your haikus. I just tried to write a haiku as a comment, but I couldn’t think of anything to write about .. so nevermind.

  3. Aww, funny Ferris…I actually saw a bird drop dead of sheer fright in front of my little monster today…I guess adorable little cats are scary when you weigh half an ounce.

  4. I’m glad I’m not the only one who threatens bodily damage to their pets. In fact, my dog just may die tonight. I make no guarantees that she’ll see the morning.

  5. I have a feeling that Ferris Mewler has been in contact with my resident felines, because they’ve been behaving badly as of late. Tell him to back the fuck off or we’re gonna have a problem.

  6. O-M-G You need to write a poetry book if it’s all like that!! That was pure awesome! Seriously, I would buy it, especially in ebook format 🙂

  7. Malcolm Boots Sperl was known to climb drapes when there was a full moon. Then would realize he knew not how to get down from the VERY top!

  8. That…is a fantastic picture! And since I call my cats “furry little bastards” with appalling frequency, and never really mean it (even if poetry isn’t exactly on my mind at the time I say it), I think your poetic license is just fine.

  9. Now PETA will be ever watchful. Those bastards never forget… hopefully Ferris never has an actual accident and breaks a leg. Because those mother Fuckers will be all “foul play “. Then you’ll have to go to cat custody court. And lets all hope that Ferris tells the truth. Cats are assholes like that.

    In fact… you should probably just give him tunafish for dinner from here on out.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  10. Is Ferris Mewler still the smallest of your cats? Because he seems pretty big. In terms of his frame, though, not his body mass index. Cats have those, right? Basically, he looks like a big cat in the least insulting way it was ever possible to make that observation. I’m going to stop talking about this now.

    I also wanted to take a moment to mention that I watched the final installment of The Bloggess Book Club at work since I was unable to attend and I did an involuntary vocalization and office-chair-flail in happiness when I heard you were going to read my favorite chapter. That’s at least the fourth time that chapter has caused me to do something involuntarily embarrassing from the pure glee it makes me feel. What I’m trying to say is, Your words wield a strange power, and with great power comes me trying not to pee from laughter in a crowded train station. Which also took great power. Thank you. 🙂

  11. Ferris casually
    Achieves the impossible.
    Hail the Overlord.

    Athleticism,
    Agility and strength? Or
    Teleportation?

  12. I showed my daughter the picture and she informed that “well you know cats can jump 6 times their height” so there you go…..

  13. That is the best haiku I’ve ever read. You’re even better at this than William Shatner, who I believe wrote:

    Haikus are easy
    but sometimes they don’t make sense
    refrigerator

    In your face, Shatner!

  14. I love the haiku. That’s pretty much life with a cat, right there. My cat somehow broke a chandelier once. It was one of those Ikea ones that looks kind of like a grappling hook. I’m still not sure how she did it. All I know is I heard a great big CRASH one morning, follwed by fratic claws-on-hardwood running away sounds. I came downstairs to see the chandelier swinging around in crazy circles, with one of the arms bent out at a 90-degree angle.

    She’s the reason why we can’t have nice things.

  15. Can you come to my daughter’s Career Day at her school in the fall because that shit is awesome and 4th graders need to know how use imagery.

  16. I do not know why
    You think a Ferris haiku
    Would not be awesome

    I do not know why
    You think anything you do
    Is not awesome-sauce

    As a reminder
    Dr. Who and Wil Wheaton
    Juanita Weasel

    Beyonce and twine
    Red Dresses, Depression Lies
    Victor, twitter wars

    Everything you do
    Creative, Inspires, Loved
    Never stop – you rock!

  17. At least your cat doesn’t run fill tilt at the closed windows trying to get at them–every morning I am awaken by a cat giving himself a head injury. I have thought about taping a safety helmet on him, but PETA considers that a form of cruelty.

  18. So, my mind is officially blown. WHO KNEW YOU COULD STRING HAIKUS TOGETHER AND MAKE A GIANT HAIKU CHAIN?!!?!?!?!??!?!

  19. I have been staring at that picture for far too long. I’m dumbstruck. Seriously. How’d he get up there?

  20. That motherfucking cat lives completely by his own rules! He’s like a biker cat. Does he have a Harley? Any tattoos? At least he inspires your creative side.

  21. How in the world did he get up there?

    Your poetry is inspirational….yeah…..really! (Why has someone not invented a sarcasm font. WHY???)

  22. I get the feeling that, the “furry little bastard” owns you. Which is perfectly acceptable. Does he make fake bird sounds? My bitch cat does that–she hasn’t gotten any birds to come to the window yet, but I don’t want to hinder her creative freedom so I don’t discourage her noise.

    Loved the haiku. Much better than the ones about waves and naked women. Those are tacky.

  23. Once had a cat, named him Nightmare, the cat from Hell. I lived on a second floor apartement, and he would come and go as he pleased via the balcony (and shimmying the wall from the ground). Until I found a crawfish in my bed. He once brought me a rat’s head too. And then the body on a second trip. Cats do bring such joy.

  24. is there no end to
    expressive notions unstuffed
    and tossed to this crowd?

    most, you must realize
    are insanely jealous fans;
    bloggess wanna-bes.

  25. When I first joined Twitter, I tried to write all my tweets in haiku. Then I remembered I can’t write poetry. Yours is much better.

  26. I love your front door(s). I love your pendant-thingy. I love your wood floors. No, that was not supposed to be a haiku.

    I know the post was supposed to be about your hilarious/weird-ass cat. I’m sorry; I watch too much HGTV.

  27. Could you make a composite of this photo and the one of Beyonce on the outside? I’m sure you could caption the hell out of that!

  28. I am so glad I happened to check twitter the day ROSIE was at your booksigning because first I downloaded your book, then I recommended it to my friends, then I checked out this blog, and all the while in between I laugh and feel like I have a new stranger friend! Thanks!

  29. That’s quite a good poem actually. See…you did accomplish a hell of a lot today…including 2 posts! Yeah you! Now you can watch some more TV.

  30. Jenny, this link has taxidermied animals in costume and I immediately thought of you. (Not the first few pictures. I think those animals are alive. Scroll down.)

    Also, I’m very sad that I couldn’t figure out where to put my children so I could participate in the book club. You can’t do these things during children hours or us single moms have to get really creative to participate. (Also, my 11 year old son can’t decide if it’s awesome or horrifying that my friend gave me a Beyonce card for my birthday…cause really is it cool or mortifying when moms and their friends say ‘motherfucker.’)

    Finally, I love you.

    http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/130968

  31. Outside lamp matches
    Inside lamp, or is this a
    Looking glass moment?

    Also, great pic; fab haikus….last one is my personal fave.

    (Outside lamp matches inside lamp. ~ Jenny)

  32. Cats are freaky! My cats like to surround bugs that come into our house and torture them until they have a nervous breakdown and just die. Then, they leave the carcass because they’re lazy. One day, they will learn to eat those bug carcasses!!

  33. THAT is an awesome cat. If I were you I would set up a video and tape him! See what he does all day and how he gets up there. Also, your poem is awesome. And I know you would never break his legs. 😀

  34. totally off topic, but wtf: I bought (and read, numerous times) your book, and I’m left with one question: you never did explain what you though whip-its were. they’re definitely a method of getting high. WTF YO! you can’t just leave us hanging like that! what the hell kind of fucked up slang were you raised on? that, btw, is not my question. the question is wtf did you think whip-its were?

    (I always thought whip-its were just whipped cream sprayed directly into your mouth until it overflows. ~ Jenny)

  35. We have two cats. The little one sits on top of doors ALL THE TIME. She doesn’t seem to like it up there; she just seems to like showing off that she can do something the big, clumsy one can’t.

  36. Our old cat was obsessed with climbing on top of doors, particularly our bathroom and linen closet doors since they backed up to each other. We used to hold them closer and closer together and then further and further apart, like that old kids’ game “Shoot the Moon”. Clearly he liked it, because he’d come running anytime I opened the linen closet door.

  37. I love it when you get all artsy and shit. Perhaps, a book of poetry in the future? Thanks for sharing!

  38. I just laughed so hard that my morning coffee spewed out of my nose and onto my laptop. Thanks so much.

    However, I’m amazed at the things cats can get to without any obvious way (to humans) of getting there. In Ferris’s case, if he did swing from the lamp or fly, you need to start videotaping him ALL THE TIME and making money off his crazy acrobatic antics the way that Japanese guy does with Maru. GOLDMINE in a furry body.

  39. Wow. That cat needs to be the cat olympics or something. I guessing he climbed up the door frame if he’s not declawed. If he is – well, he is a serious gold medal contender.

  40. It’s as good as any poem I’ve ever read. In all fairness I don’t really like poetry. But yours had swearing. So. . . good on you!

  41. See, this is why I have a dog. Dogs don’t climb up on shit like that. They just take lots of naps and jump up on your lap at inopportune times. Oh and slobber on your face giving you kisses…..eww. Maybe I need a cat….

  42. From Ferris to Mom:

    the lamp had it coming
    the birds are teasingly beautiful
    I love this door
    STOP with the hating MOM
    You’re welcome.

  43. Love the picture. And haiku is my favorite poetry form. But like Ashleigh, I didn’t realize they could be strung together. Or did you invent a new poetry form. Haiku grande?
    I also love that many commenters included their own haikus. Happy sigh.

    I would contribute
    but my mind has drawn a blank
    too early morning.

  44. I think you’re safe… PETA’s too busy suing the Duluth Zoo for to come after you for Ferris Mewler. I miss cat-shenanigans too…but dogs big enough to get into the kitchen cupboards cause enough trouble in our house.

  45. A few years ago my wife and I has a polydactyl (is that the correct spelling?) kitten named appropriately, Yeti. We lived in a basement apartment at the time and somehow, she would get up on the pipes and walk around the apartment that way. my theory is that she was part ninja, as she was all black, excellent at surprise attacks and i swear she could do the mario wall jump to get stuff (like cheese, she was a cheese thief). sneaky lil cat.

  46. Your Haikus are good
    not awesome still pretty good
    thank god you’re pretty

  47. My husband and I decided last night that any cat found in a child’s room after bedtime will lose a leg. There, now PETA will forget all about you.

  48. I am VERY envious of: 1. your talent, 2. (which is sort of sub1) your following, 3. your cat’s name! My kitty came with his name, which is Bobby, which is clearly nowhere near as interesting as Ferris Mewler. Even his nickname, Schnub Bub, which comes out of snuggly like a buggly in a ruggly (don’t ask me how, as I’m trying to explain this it is becoming clear, even to me, that I should be committed) and also is nowhere near as cool as Ferris Mewler.

    Also, you poetry rocks. And I bet those PETA bastids threaten their cats with bodily harm on occasion.

  49. BTW, that incredibly cool window over your door is what we lawyers call an “attractive nuisance.” It’s just BEGGING for a cat to perch on it!

  50. Have you ever seen the book “I Smell Something Foul”? It’s a collection of haiku about ordinary things (the title haiku, obviously, is about a fart). There is one about getting a ticket for an expired parking meter, and other totally mundane and hilarious things. You might enjoy it.

    And your haiku, btw, are excellent.

  51. oh, P.S. I just put in a request that my town library order your book. I can’t get it on interlibrary loan because it’s too new, but they’re goingt o consider buying it for me. Yay.

  52. The height he reached is actually impressive.

    This weekend I had a giant work event, so I was up at 4 AM on Saturday morning. When I came home and tried to take a nap in the afternoon, my cat Floyd kept opening the drapes right behind my bed. He’s so skilled, he could get it so that the sunbeam was ONLY falling on my face.

    To sum up: cats are jerks.

  53. Yes, but what a photo op….

    Cats recognize empty threats. My calico, who is continually on the OUTside of the 6-foot fence (off limits) just closes her eyes and gives me a half-nod when I say through clenched teeth “I am going to kick your little cat ASS”. Sometimes I swear that a herd of goats would be an easier breed of pet to maintain.

  54. I like limericks. I wrote one about a maine coon cat we had who always started fights with our timid siamese

    There once was a fluffy-tailed bully named Lily
    Who was so mean she was really a dilly
    With teeth and claws
    We’d need lots of gauze
    And then we would slap that cat silly

    (This was written after she tore a hole in the abdomen of the siamese, though there was no actual slapping involved.)

  55. Hmmm…. I’m pretty sure that if you put a Kindle book of your poetry on Amazon you’d make a small fortune… You should remember that next time you feel like taking a trip to Thailand or something…

  56. I shared this with my husband to prove, yet again, that cats are so much better than dogs!

  57. I still laugh out loud at the limerick you submitted for Imperial Sugar’s contest:

    There once was a girl from Nantucket,
    Who bought Imperial Sugar by the bucket.
    She scarfed candies and sweeties,
    ‘Til she got diabetes.
    Then she lost both her legs and said, “Fuck it”.

    As I recall, some people complained but that usually just confirms something is hysterical, and that they’ve no sense of humor.

  58. I’ve never been more than an in-the-shadows reader until today when I decided to go out and buy your book. After a long mishap, in which a sales lady made disapproving noises at me when I interrupted the phone call she was CLEARLY about to make when I began asking where to find your book, I received a message from God by dropping your book straight onto the floor. Now it was damaged goods! This obviously means that God wanted me to go through with this purchase, because putting it back on the shelf after that would be like leaving disturbing messages on strangers’ produce in grocery stores, *ahem*. Looking forward to your book and future posts and the furious happiness they are bound to bring.

  59. Maybe I should write poetry about Copernicus. I’ll recite them while he plays the guitar.

    But seriously, my cat plays the guitar. How fucking sweet is that?

  60. From the files of Coincidental Crap TOO AWESOME To Let Go Unnoticed and Speaking of POETRY: I just googled “things that rhyme with vagina” (for a completely unrelated reason, don’t worry about why) and your site came up in the search results. It’s like you are already associated with fantastic poetry.

  61. I heard once that if you paint the ceiling of an entrance way (or porch) light blue that birds will think it’s the sky and not build their nest there…just a thought..

  62. My eldest cat who is now 15 used to make leaps like that from a sitting position. He’d jump right to the top of a door frame and just land there. When I lived in an apartment with a completely enclosed inner courtyard the cats could go safely outside. My eldest would leap twice and be on the window ledges of the second floor apartments. He’d leap from window to window and visit with the neighbors. Perhaps he and Ferris are cousins?

  63. Kelly@Surbaban Mama (#134) – I wonder how many people are now going to google “things that rhyme with vagina.”

    Not that I did that immediately or anything.

  64. A while back I set myself a goal of writing and posting at least one haiku a day for a year. I did it and ended up posting about 400 of them in 365 days. Some were very good, some were mediocre, and while I enjoyed writing them all, I’m still a little haiku’d out. (Not as bad as that time I ate nothing but chocolate for a 3-day weekend and then couldn’t look at chocolate for several years, but something like that.) All of which is by way of saying that you should appreciate the fact that I wouldn’t crank out another haiku for just anybody, but for you – fuck yeah!

    Jenny the Bloggess
    Sometimes wishes all pets were
    Taxidermied pets.

  65. I love the way cats get DOWN from places like that, the mystery of how they get up there aside. Just like an action movie, throwing caution to the wind, and really living…

  66. Predictions:
    *Mommy blogs break out into haiku worlwide.
    *PETA calls for a boycott.
    *Sale of kitty boots made from dusting cloths take off.

    To make it all about me for a moment, I love putting haiku in completely unexpected places. Not long ago I had to create a document template for work that is regularly used by and shared with other departments. It’s the sort of template that requires some explanation of what information belongs in this section, and what belongs in that other section.

    I did it all in haiku.

    It’s been about two months and not a single person has noticed yet. So disappointing!

  67. Haiku totally needs to come back into style! @Jaimie-if you worked in my office, I would notice and give you a haiku-five.

    Bloggess is the best
    She’s better than all the rest
    China vagina

  68. He’s secretly a superhero… and somewhere.. Eric Northman is so freaking jealous.

    I think this photo is awesome and I can’t write poetry to save my life so hats off to you and Ferris!

  69. Why “and I’ll break your goddamn legs” doesn’t end up in more haikus is a mystery equivalent to who made the pyramids.

  70. I think you would make a great rep. for a cat adoption center. adoptions would be incredibly high in efforts to save the animals from you.

  71. PETA says I’m not allowed to write haikus anymore. It’s not my fault that “shoot Fluffy in the kneecaps” fits so perfectly into a seven-syllable line.

  72. Cat Benetar does that shit too. I tell her all the time to get a job and start contributing to the household… Subway is hiring, shit I don’t even care if she slings weed to kittens, or bath salts to puppies, so long as I get my cut.

    Also, I don’t know if you are aware that Morrissey has been biting your cat-on-the-head look… it works for him though, so I hope you give him a pass:

    http://www.digitalspy.com/odd/news/a318701/morrissey-with-a-cat-on-his-head.html

  73. My favorite haiku, of all time.

    thinking about
    mindfulness
    I pee on my shoe.

    Michael Ketchek

  74. My dad passed away two years ago this week – and all week I have been seeing things that remind me of him. I haven’t read your blog in about two weeks and just opened it to catch up – my dad used to say ‘and now for something completely different’ all most every day… So much so that I cited it in his eulogy…. When I just saw that this was your newest title, it made me smile. So thanks for that! Oh, and I don’t want to say that my dads dead ghost influenced you, but he may have…. So… Yikes. As if you don’t have enough to deal with.. Maybe he could bring the boobi mushroom back from the spirit world.

  75. I vote that you continue sharing these haikus! They’d be a nice thing to include in weekly wrap-up maybe?

  76. i think ferris mewler should be on america’s got talent (and you could read your poetry in the background).

  77. Inside a cat’s mind
    Curiosity, craving
    Plots forming daily.

    Out for adventure
    Don’t you tell me what to do
    I can fly! Uhmm…. catch?

  78. For some reason, I read this in Alan Rickman’s voice – Alan Rickman as Snape.

    Yeah. I cannot. Stop. giggling. now.

  79. “deva June 26, 2012 at 8:48 pm

    For some reason, I read this in Alan Rickman’s voice – Alan Rickman as Snape.

    Yeah. I cannot. Stop. giggling. now.”

    Okay. Now I did it too. I kept snickering at ‘you furry bastard’ and thinking I would name a cat that. Now reciting it in the Snape voice? Perfection.

  80. I’m not usually a laugh-out-loud kind of girl when I’m reading. It doesn’t mean that I don’t find things really entertaining, it just seems like it takes an awful lot to get an actual laugh out of me. You however, had me laughing so deeply when I read this and the dialogue between you and your hubby that my husband stops what he’s doing to see what’s going onand if I’m alright! That’s funny stuff!

  81. I love it! My husband thinks up these kinds of things for our cat when he jumps up and tears the screens on our windows because he wants back in the house. It usually ends with – because I’ll break your GD neck! But he is the most loving, animal friendly person in the house. He gets it all out in his art, just like you do dear.

  82. You ever figure out how to train the cat to dust the lamps and clean the gutters, please be sure to video tape the training session and maybe I’ll be able to figure out how to make my damn kids do the same.

  83. When I was reading this there was a little Spanish guitar strumming playing on the Tv in the background (travel channel) which caused me to read your poem and hear it in the voice of Inigo Montoya (from the princess bride). This made it extra beautiful and reminds me that I’m way Frazier than your poetry.

  84. I missed the majority of Bloggess Book Club because I was traveling for work, but there was an upside. I was reading “Let’s Pretend…” on the plane and got to the chapter “And Then I Got Stabbed in the Face by a Serial Killer.” I got the giggles so bad reading about “the unsheathed sword” that the air hostess came by and asked if I was okay. I didn’t feel like it was the best idea to start talking about euphemisms for penises, so I just pointed to the paragraph. She started laughing too and came back with a glass of wine, on the house – err, plane. Not only did the book distract me from turbulence, it also got me something free from Southwest Airlines – two miracles in one. Thanks, Jenny!

  85. My husband already thinks you’re hilarious, and now I think he loves you more because of your annoyed cat haiku.

    Here are some of my own:

    Cat Extraordinaire
    To meet you would be so grand
    But your fur kills me

    You have zero wings
    Yet you made it way up there?
    Are you a Ninja?

    I don’t think you jumped
    Grappling hooks: Easy to buy
    Saw your bank statement

  86. Ferris Mewler is the Best.Cat.Name.Ever. I laugh every time I read it. Thanks Jen, you really are the bestest.

  87. When our cats would act up, the most common threat was “STOP that or it’s the woodchipper for you!” Second on the list was probably the glue factory. I’m pretty sure PETA would have crated us away in shackles for even saying it.
    The mister also insisted on naming one of the boys… he was Chainsaw-wan Kenobi (and I named his brother Mr. Miyagi, although he turned out to be the clumsiest, worst ninja EVER).

  88. Hi there, long time ,first time here. Normally I hate poetry (it all kind of sounds like Vogon poetry to me), but I could get on board with yours. Share anytime! Also, I agree, Ferris Mewler is the best cat name ever. Previously, the best pet name I’d ever encountered was a German Shepherd called Officer Poocherella, but I think Ferris takes the cake. I assume you tell him he’s your hero, like, all the time?

    I guess I do like Leonard Cohen’s poetry too, but that’s it. The rest of the poetry in the world is all “rend thee in the gobberwarts”, I swear.

  89. I had a cat who used to do that too, only she’d jump FROM THE FLOOR to perch on the top edge of an open door. I saw her do it a couple times. A) I’m not sure how that even works. B) I mean, why didn’t the door just swing and knock her off and, how could she even jump that high?!? She was still mostly kitten at the time.

    But also, that picture is awesome! Ferris’s pose is perfect… I bet if that pic were posted to Tumblr, it would be everywhere by tomorrow morning.

  90. We just had book club on your book!!!! We did not all love it at first but as we talked about it we really decided it was a great book…my friend brought a taxidrermied (???) boar’s head with her that was her recently deceased dad’s. Apparently people do name their taxidermed (maybe not a word) animals….Who know? Probably you…sorry Victor…

  91. I kind of hate how much I love you. I swear that you come into my mind about 15 times a day. Seriously that is too much ….. get the hell out of my head.

  92. Hilarious. I printed it out and posted it at work (veterinary technician). Only that poem can capture the true essence of those bastard cats.

  93. If I lived at your house, I would totally be afraid of casually strolling to the kitchen when a Ferris Mewler would drop down from heights unseen and land on mah head. They should make special helmets for such occasions. Holy crap, he’s agile.

  94. Forgive me, I’m sure your just busy, but you haven’t posted in a few days and I’m just wondering if everything is okay.

  95. This is what I love reading your blogs.. You are what you are. You are not afraid to say the words you want say..
    You made my day again!

  96. These are great in my opinion. I run a writer’s challenge group on another site and we recently had a comedic haiku challenge. You would have done spectacularly!

  97. I’m not going to lie, this is totally my go-to when my cats do something that at once baffles and amuses me. Like Derp-a-tron trying to stalk the birds outside from the open dining room window and continuing to forget that there’s A FUCKING SCREEN THERE, GENIUS. Five times in a row. If it breaks it (again), I’m going to shave him bald and make a new one from his fur.

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