213 thoughts on “I don’t need this. Literally.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. “Vaginal mesh problem” – now there are three words I never thought I’d see together.

  2. I get this one a lot and find it a little disturbing because I don’t even HAVE a vagina. I also get a lot of emails from AARP, which makes me feel kinda old before I should.

  3. I think HST REALLY needs a pirate costume. But you’d probably better take care of your vaginal mesh problem BEFORE you build his costume…

  4. I’m probably going to hate myself for asking this, but… WTF IS trans vaginal mesh anyway? I can’t even watch TV anymore. It’s everywhere! Nobody’s even telling me to quit taking antidepressants so my baby doesn’t have two heads anymore!

  5. That’s hilarious, and interesting too, because I feel like people who send spam mail are douches. It’s like peanut butter and jelly.

  6. I had a hysterectomy a couple of years ago, and while I was at it, I had ‘bladder sling’ put in. Basically, my second son was 12lbs at birth, and I spent the next 17 years peeing on myself every-time I laughed, or coughed. That sling is also sometimes called vaginal mesh- and a ton of women have had issues with them when they are not installed properly.

  7. Is it bad that I had to look up what the hell vaginal mesh problems were? I have never gotten those e-mails. So I used my dear friend Google to look that up. Yet one more reason I will not be having children. Eek!

  8. When I get that one, I assume that the problem they are referring to is the fact that I have neither a vaginal mesh nor a vagina. Do you think I can get cash compensation for that?

  9. I actually got a vaginal-mesh themed comment on one of my blog posts, to which I was all What le Fuck? My post is about doing Hot Yoga, not about mesh lawsuits and incontinence.

    Where the fuck has vaginal mesh come from and what does it want from us?!?!

  10. When that African prince pays out back all of the money you lent him you’ll be swimming in vaginal mesh! Oh wait…

  11. I loved the cats dressed as pirates but if I am going to get all the perks and benefits of being a voyeur of your inbox, I TOTALLY want to see HST’s human look-a-like. But I am weird like that.

    Cash compensation for my vaginal mesh? I don’t have vaginal mesh but if they are handing out cash because they REALLY need some…

    Times are hard, I am just sayin’.

  12. Is it weird I saw the word “poopers” first?
    WTF is vaginal mesh? I want to look it up but don’t want to answer silly questions later on when my husband looks at the browser history lol

  13. Ok, forget the spam. The other, “real” messages in your inbox are priceless! Chewbacca Bellydancing? I think I’d rather have your inbox than mine. Much more fun!

  14. I get loads of spam about the time I got arrested (which was never), DR. OZ offers URGENT TIPS on the BED BUGS epidemic, and (13) Sexual Predators In Your Area – VIEW NOW. Awesome! 2876 in my Spam box.

  15. I must be really bored because those cat pirate pictures made me CRY with laughter. The one with the toilet paper roll on its leg alone…and most of the cats’ expressions are so…haaaaaaaaaaaa! (p.s. Sorry I have nothing to contribute about the vaginal mesh.)

  16. Around here there are local commercials that run constantly from a law firm that is pulling together a class action lawsuit for that vaginal mesh surgery. After hearing it in the background, my husband asked me, “What is a vaginal mess and can they really sue for that?”

  17. I’ve heard of people having surgery to implant mesh that holds their organs in place, and having horrible complications as a result.

    Maybe some people’s..vaginas…fell out…and…somehow mesh helps with this?

  18. I’m SOOOOOOOOOO jealous. I only ever get offers to be a mystery shopper. Oh, and there’s this millionaire who’s been pestering me for the last couple of weeks as well. Apprently, he wants to work with me.

  19. Does that mean your vagina doesn’t play well with others? Does it mean there’s a mesh lining in the vagina and it’s having problems? I never learned about that in health class.
    But, seriously, because I am strapped for cash, I’m going to see what kind of dough my vagina can make for me.
    Wait…no…
    not that

  20. I am getting those too…I wonder if they think I took too many of their penis enlargement pills and then my enlarged penis pierced my vagina which lead to it needing to be meshed, though it wasn’t done properly and NOW I am owed cash compensation. It is a vicious cycle.

  21. @Heretic Husband….LOLOLOLOL I just see this mental image of ….CLUNK….vagina on the floor

  22. …unless there’s been a sudden increase in the frequency of Wookiees bellydancing, I think I know the people who presented Chewbacca bellydancing to the world. There was a Klingon band. Because only Klingons have the strength and warrior spirit to keep playing instruments while Chewbacca is bellydancing.

  23. Omigod. If I tried that shit with my cat I’d need so much plastic surgery I might as well move to Thailand.

  24. I almost wish I had vaginal mesh problems just so I could score an extra few bucks. File this under: Reasons I know I am underpaid.

  25. These are awesome. My spam is mostly about over-55 dating sites. Which just depresses me, because I am only in my mid-late forties, people.

  26. I wish my inbox was as fun as yours. I’ve never received a message titled, “Chewbacca bellydancing…WTF?!”

  27. How, oh how, could you not follow-up on the one titled “my first taxidermy class”?!!! COME ON!! Inquiring minds WANT TO KNOW!

    My best guess – THAT’s where the flying taxidermied guinea pig came from.

  28. OK, admittedly, I am not totally sure what that email is about. But it sounds like the intended recipient’s first problem is having a vagina full of mesh. Can cash solve that? I don’t know. Would the mesh accept a bribe to vacate the vagina? Or does offering it cash just incent it to stay? The whole strategy stumps me, honestly.

  29. I couldn’t help but get excited by the mystery of some of your other inbox items, like HST’s human look alike and 5 creepiest towns in American. (Where are they? Have I been there? Does HST’s human look alike live in one of them?? I need answers!)

  30. Spam, ok, but the .gc.ca is somebody using my tax dollars to email you. Hmm. At 8:50AM, which is before work hours. I’m not impressed, Canadian Mortgage and Housing employee. It would behoove you to read the Bloggess *during* work hours so as to make a better use of my tax money than whatever usually goes on. 😀

  31. What the hell is vaginal mesh?!

    I never get vagina related spam. I do however get bombarded by penis spam…Maybe I have a secret penis somewhere?

  32. This glimpse into your email inbox folder is like glimpsing into your mind. Disturbing and perplexing.
    I’m still trying to work out if vaginal mesh is (a) mesh for going into your vagina, like a drainage filter or internal support (b) a mesh in some way derived from vaginas.
    Man, I don’t know anything any more…

  33. I, for one, like seeing the Government of Canada email address. A quick look at GEDS reveals someone working in Communications! I bet that Human Lookalike email Is just another creative PR hack trying to promote Canadian Housing programs. Would love to see how they brought that together!

  34. At work, I get a lot of spam for penis enlargement pills at the address for our test proctoring service. I’m not sure they understand what “proctoring” means. Or maybe we’re doing it wrong.

  35. If it makes you feel any better, I usually get spam related to viagra and products to increase the size of my penis. Which would be miraculous considering I am more likely to require vaginal mesh (whatever that is)

  36. PS… prin, most government employees work from 8 to 4 (but they can start as early as 7) – and most departments only allow access to work email at work (to ensure that people don’t use them as personal accounts). I obviously know too much, trust me when I say I’m writing this from the comfort of my living room (in a house with a CHMC-insured mortgage, no less! Now I get why the rates are so high…must be all that Internet research their communications team is doing!)

  37. I am confused. Who doesn’t want “cash compensation?” I could always use cash compensation.

  38. I’ve thought in the past that I could get a whole blog post out of my spam box! Thanks for letting me know I can get larger, but I don’t come equipped with that particular part.

  39. What is vaginal mesh? Another thing my mom never explained. Do I need to get my handmirror out AGAIN? Lol!

  40. Speaking of way too specific I’ve made pirates the theme for my radiation. Day 12 out of 25 today. My cat plays along by wearing an eye patch and sleeping in a pirate hat. And to top it off the rays are being aimed at the skin of my lady bits so I’m going to go ahead and take this blog post as a sign that the pain and stupid sitz baths are gonna be worth it.

    Thanks Jenny!

  41. Please tell me you replied?? If not, forward it to me. I will gladly reply it will make an interesting change to tormenting people promising me 100,000,000 million dollars….

  42. Oh dear…had I known sending you the Chewbacca Bellydancing link would cause entertainment, I would’ve sent it earlier. *snicker*

    Jess

  43. I think you have one of the most intresing inboxes I have ev.er see. I am pretty jealous right now

  44. I work for a magazine that recently ran an article about those transvaginal mesh lawsuits and, I’m going to be honest, proofreading that article was the first time I’ve ever wanted to completely get rid of my vagina. It was also the first time I realized that trial lawyers probably know more about my vagina than I do, but less about comma splices so who’s the real winner here?

  45. So, of course I would know this – and it’s gross – the vaginal mesh, or baldder sling as it’s also known as – is to prevent, literally, your bladder from falling out of your vagina. Can that really happen? Yes, it happened to my friend jeanne – while she was in the shower. Yup, gross.

  46. Dude, what the crap am I doing wrong then? I always get emails asking if I want viagra or penis enlargement pills. At least that one could apply….ahem, I mean… Theoretically if course.

    Shoo, check me out using big words.

  47. Ya know,i get far too much stuff about penis enlargements, hello, i’m a WOMAN, isn’t it obvious by my name!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  48. For a million years I was ALWAYS getting spam mail about enlarging my penis….last I checked, pretty sure I don’t have one…..

  49. To whom it may concern:

    Re: Spam

    Regarding your recent correspondence: I do not now, nor will I ever, have vaginal mesh, so you can stop asking if I require cash compensation for its improper installation. I prefer, when the time comes, to just pee on myself, rather than have something that sounds like genital chicken wire installed in my ladybits. Please make a note of it.

    Furthermore, I am lacking the requisite equipment for penis enlargement. One would assume, given the nature of the first category of spam, that a lack of necessity for the second type of spam was patently obvious. Clearly, one has overestimated the deductive capability inherent at the business end of the spam spectrum. Given the utter disregard held for those in your line of work, one would not have thought that possible.

    Sincerely,
    Mumsi Vaguely

  50. I got this “Vaginal Mesh” email as well, and I was quite offended. What I do with a bag of onions is nobody’s business but my own.

  51. I want to post that Pirate Cat link to my Facebook page, but I feel like I’d have to post it with an apology. But I really want to.

  52. A step towards equality? For years, we’ve had penis pump and Viagra spammers, now, we get vaginal mesh spamming. Hooray for women’s rights?

  53. Not joking: vaginal mesh compensation is my job. I talk to women all day about their vagina problems. It’s amazing I haven’t shot my brains out yet.

  54. I get this shit all the time!! My nickname is BJ (first initial of first name and first initial of maiden name). I’ve had the nickname for going on 20 years now. At the place I worked all the usual variations of my given name were used up, so I went with my initials (at the time) to individualize myself from Babs, Barb, Barbara, Barbie, and Bitsy.

    I have learned how to put filters on my inbox to prevent anything with sexual, anatomical or gender specific emails getting through. This does, however, also prevent all the good sexual degenerate-ish jokes and the like from coming in as well.

    PS – Is HST still enjoying Hammy? or has he totally destroyed said taxidermied rodent already?

  55. I probably should have known better than to open this and read it while waiting in line to pick up my kids at school. Thanks for the laughs!

  56. If you haven’t already googled “vaginal mesh,” I HIGHLY advise against it. I can never un-know what Pelvic Organ Prolapse is now.

  57. Maybe the guinea-pig stalker squeak toy is filled with transvaginal mesh that is all in need of repair and that’s why it rattles? So obvious of the lawyers…send you a badly taxidermied guinea pig with mesh issues…then get you to sue. Ambulance chasers.

  58. Ok, I checked out the Chewbacca bellydancing thing…Hilarious! Thanks Jess. (comment #87)

    But seriously, I NEED to learn about the “Creepiest Towns” and I really want to see the “HST human lookalike”… and WHAT THE FUCK are “Political Poopers” ???

    PLEASE, Jenny? Please, please?

  59. Maybe they’re just doing a preemptive strike considering all of your other obscure medical ailments. Or maybe they’re just effing a-holes. Probably the second one.

    The rest of your inbox looks REALLY entertaining.

  60. I laughed myself into an asthma attack reading the VagMesh comments. (And my brother is sooooo getting these pirate kitty pictures.)

  61. I was going to demand, DEMAND to see the Chewbacca belly dancing thing… and then I thought about it some more, and decided that some things cannot be unseen.

    I am definitely dressing up my cat as a pirate this year. He was a bat last year, and was doing find until the dog decided to go after his wings, and then he panicked and somehow knocked over three plants, a chair, and a shelf. The dog thought it was great fun. Pirate would be better.

    That or I’ll dress him as Hello Kitty.

    I promise I don’t hate my cat.

  62. Thanks for the Kitty Cat Pirates, but WTF… You’re holding out on us by not sharing the Chewbacca belly dancing.

    We deserve better damn it!

  63. You know…I’d take the vaginal mesh spam over the Senior Dating spam any day of the week. Someone got my age wayyyy wrong. LOL

  64. It’s an upgrade from the viagra and male enhancement emails but it’s really really really clear what they would like to assist you with lol. The cats were funny. Too bad mom is afraid of cats.

  65. I’d never even heard of vaginal mesh…. Thanks for enlightening me, Lawsbians!
    I mostly get viagra or prescription drug spam… and now I’ve started getting accident claim texts on my phone which is a bit cheeky (I’m a bit clumsy, but I’m not that bad!)

  66. I’ve been getting these, too (at least once a week). Now at least I know I’m in good company. How the heck did we get on this stupid list?!

  67. Count me in with the group that wants to know what the Five Creepiest towns in America are.

    I mean Jenny, it IS Halloween season, you must, must share with us! Plus I just dig that stuff period.

    Oh and true story: Once I was out to dinner with my mom, stepdad and 2 yr old. I went to the bathroom and felt something odd kind of hanging. I thought my uterus or something collapsed. I was freaking the HELL out. Called my mom in, told her about it and instead of taking me home they took me to the ER. No joke I was freaking out, it felt so bizarre.

    Sooo after I get checked out and they go ermmm up there, they find something white and round. Not my uterus, no siree.

    They ask me what I was doing recently, applying to myself etc. I was dumbfounded. Then ooohh yes, about a week or so prior I did a home Yeast kit. Well apparently this genius here did it without taking off one of the apllicator tops, and well, yeah it wasn’t my uterus falling out. It was the cap.

    My husband will never let me live that one down.

  68. Aw I feel left out. I never get spam emails about vaginas. Or even penis enlargements. Instead I get long lost relatives from africa saying I’ve inherited a gazillion dollars and need to send them all my bank account details and my inside leg measurements.

    Also, I need a cat dressed as a pirate. I NEED IT LIKE I HAVE NEVER NEEDED ANYTHING BEFORE.

  69. Does this mean that there is cash compensation available for those cha-cha wedgies that mesh panties give me? And if so, what’s a fair offer to accept? I mean, my vagina is for private use only – it’s never been utilized in a professional capacity.

  70. I keep getting spam from a girl with the same name as my sister urging me to check out her NSFW videos and pictures. Ummm no thank you Not!Sister

  71. OMG I was looking at that screenshot and just thinking “I hope she actually shows us cats dressed as pirates.” Can you read our minds or is that just something everyone wants to see?

  72. Just received my AARP card application in the mail, discreetly packaged in a nondescript white envelope. So thankful that the mailman doesn’t know I’m old as dirt.

  73. what is a vaginal mesh?? Am i way out of the loop here? And i usually get penis enlargement emails for the penis i dont have. I dont get anything vagina related though…

  74. I get spam all the time promising to enlarge my penis…that would be a medical marvel since I am a GIRL!

  75. Is it wrong that I think the first 4 emails are hysterically funny. Why doesn’t my spam mail ever seem that funny! Thanks for sharing the laughs

  76. only the bloggess has an inbox this explicit…and intriguing. i would love for any of those emails to land in my inbox. #seriouslyboring.

  77. Your spam is much so more interesting than mine! Mostly I get messages from embassies, Western Union, foreign lotteries, and banks in Nigeria. I feel bad for any legitimate banks in Nigeria that have to send emails; probably no one ever sees them.

    Love the pirate felines! I usually feel sorry for (live not taxidermied) animals in costumes but those cats mostly looked like they might be a little crazy to start with.

  78. Is it weird that I want to dress my cat up like a pirate? No, of course not. Is it weird that I want to build a boat for her out of rudimentary objects… Like my deck. Maybe.

    I googled vagina mesh once… There are some things you can’t unsee.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  79. Ginger, thanks for the GEDS. I had no idea that service existed. Now if only we could get government employees to be productive instead of having to cut programs for “austerity”…. You know, the fact that that person used their government email address shows they take their job for granted. Psh.

    Anyway, back to kitties and meshy lady bits. Sorry for the digression, Jenny. Who knew Canadians would find such controversy in this post?

  80. Pirate cats?!? Psh! I’d much rather see HST’s Human Look-a-Like!

    And to whom ever shared the wonderful image of a metal vagina falling to the floor… thanks! I caught it just in scrolling and about spit my drink. LOL! *clunk* Oh shit! What was that contact info?!?

  81. The only spam I get is for 2,000,000 pageviews of your website NOW.

    Um, hmm. Probably not.

    (Speaking of which, any reason why the

  82. Urg, half a comment…
    any reason why there’s not the option to drop down the last few posts when attaching a recent posting?

    It’s a very cool thing, I’ve gotten exposed to some neat blogs that way. So thanks.

  83. Urg, half a comment… And your comment form keeps saying it looks like I’ve already said this, but I haven’t, comment form. I cut myself off by hitting my keyboard in error and now here we are. Unsaid and unsung!

    As i was saying:
    any reason why there’s not the option to drop down the last few posts when attaching a recent posting? Just curious.

    It’s a very cool thing, I’ve gotten exposed to some neat blogs that way. So thanks.

  84. I must agree with Brooke #27; we need to know what political poopers are. I’m guessing that these are simply the assholes we’ve come to expect in politics local, state, and federal?

  85. I get a ton of penis-related spam and no vagina-related spam. What’s up with that? As far as I know Megan is not a unisex name…

  86. I. I don’t. even know. where to start. So confused, too many questions in my head right now. WTF is vaginal mesh? Is it contagious? Who is this Hunter S. Tomcat lookalike roaming the streets? Your entire inbox is full of awesomeness, love it!

  87. So, I opened the Cats Dressed as Pirates link & shortly thereafter my kitty, Caspar Milqtoast, joined me at the computer. He tried to catch the green bird sitting on the PirateCat rump, then took off…

    Always entertaining when the cats see things they like on the screen!

    Gladys

  88. I’m fairly certain that the cats in those photos will kill their families as they sleep. They look PISSED!

  89. Better than being a guy, and every other spam is for penile enlargement. Humiliating.

    Re: Cats dressed as pirates.

    The expressions seem to range from
    “Huh? Have you lost your mind, person?”
    to
    “You bore me to death…”
    to
    “I *will* kill you in your sleep, MoFo.”

  90. This prompted me to look in my Spam folder. Where I found an e-mail from my credit union. And a shipping notice from something I ordered from Canada.

    So thank you, Jenny, for this public service.

  91. I’m actually more interested in the “Five creepiest towns in America” email you received, although I’m quite sure that in at least one of those towns that “cash compensation for vaginal mesh problems” is the exact reason they have been named one of the five creepiest towns in America.

    The RB

  92. I never get vagina spam, all mine have to do with penises. And Cats Dressed as Pirates are my dream come true! I now need a kitty sized eyepatch and tricorn hat, as soon as possible. My cat will be so happy to finally get a break from her tiny sombrero!

  93. Completely unrelated to this post. But I’d like you to know that I’m in the coffee shop, listening to your audiobook, trying desperately not to laugh out loud. Not because it’s embarrassing, but because then I’d have to explain it to the elderly Asian man sitting next to me. And he really doesn’t need to know about how zombies don’t need brains to be zombies.

    Also, I need to get off my duff and write a review for this, because you seriously almost made me get into a car accident because I was listening while driving. Thanks for almost killing me. I hope you can live with that.

  94. Aww, all I ever get are Russian mail order bride offers! Not that I’m turning my nose up at those, god knows I could use someone to cook and clean and 15 thousand dollars sounds like a good deal for a lifelong housekeeper.

  95. Thank you.
    You always make me smile. I love that.
    p.s. when you were in Phoenix, we posed for a pic (thank you) with my silly little sign that said “we <3 Angel" which I subsequently posted on facebook and when Angel saw it, she cried. Cuz she loved it.
    Thank you for that too. 🙂

  96. I love seeing your inbox, with mentions of taxidermy and Chewbacca and creepy spam mail all thrown in together. And also, thanks for sharing those cats! 🙂

  97. LOVE YOU!!!! You totally crack me up! I finally got your book from the library (don’t worry, it’s on my to buy list) and am only to the magic squirrel chapter and I LOVE it!! I keep laughing out loud…literally! 🙂

  98. You know, I’ve seen these ads before and the first thing I want to know is: what the fuck is vaginal mesh? I mean, it’s really hard for me to tell if I have it or not if I don’t even know what it is. And how much cash is the compensation anyhow? If its like, say, $25, then I’ll give it as pass, but if I stand to make thousands of dollars then I’ll go get me a vaginal mesh problem. As soon as I find out what it is, of course. I mean…MESH? What, like, mosquito tent mesh? Why would I have that in my vagina? Is it some sort of birth control that keeps the sperm out, like a sieve?

  99. My grandma and I laugh about those commercials on TVLand…that and the lbs of toxic fecal material we might be carrying around in our unhealthy bowels. Oh, and let’s not forget the Scooter store, the Hurrycane, and possibility that a reverse mortgage might change your life!!

  100. I actually work for a law firm that is doing vaginal mesh claims. Being the only woman in the office I have to talk to ALL the women that call in. Be glad that you don’t need this because from what I’ve heard “cash compensation” wouildn’t be enough for me!

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