I love the police except for when they’re arresting me

in Random Crap

Conversation between me and a very polite police officer after I got pulled over this morning:

Him:  Is there a reason you were going so fast, ma’am?

me:  Um…a vaguely medical emergency?

him:  Ma’am?

me:  I’m late to see my psychiatrist?

him:  That doesn’t really count as a medical emergency.

me:  What if I said I had a severe medical condition that was invisible?  And…dangerous?

him:  Ma’am?

me:  I’m not threatening you.  I’m just curious.

him:  Can you step out of the vehicle, ma’am?

me:  I can.  Are you asking me to step out of the vehicle, or do you just want to know if I have the ability to?

him:  Step out of the vehicle, ma’am.

me:  Sure.  Sorry.  I couldn’t tell if it was a trick question.

him:  Not a trick question.  This is your ticket….blah, blah, blah (I’m paraphrasing the boring parts about court and junk.)

me:  This ticket says that I’m Hispanic.

Him:  Ma’am?

me:  And that my car is grey.

Him:  Yes, ma’am.

me:  So that’s wrong and so technically I could just tell the court that you arrested the wrong girl.  Not that I would do that.  I’m just telling you that so that in case you needed to change it.  Although I am half Czech and 1/164th Cherokee and there’s probably not a box for that.

him:  No, ma’am.  This paper will tell you how much your fine is if you choose to pay it.

me:  Oh my God, this is so much math.

him:  Ma’am?

me:  You say “ma’am” a lot.

him:  Yes ma’am.

me:  I haven’t gotten a ticket in years so you have to help me.  So it’s $151 for the first 10 miles over the speed limit and then $5 every additional mile?

him:  Whatever it says on the card, ma’am.

me:  So it’s A = $151 + (mph -10 + 5N).  Solve for A?

him:  You can call this number and they can tell you exactly what the fine is, ma’am.

me:  Awesome.  So, like an algebra tutoring program for the recently arrested.

him:  You’re not under arrest, ma’am.

me:  God, I want that for my ring-tone.

him:  Ma’am?

me:  Nothing.  Thank you, officer.

him:  Be careful out there, ma’am.

Yes, I have a TARDIS phone cover. Stop judging me.

 

372 thoughts on “I love the police except for when they’re arresting me”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. OMG – that is too funny. I bet you totally traumatized him. I can just see the conversation at his dinner table tonight: “And then I stopped this lady for speeding. And the speeding ticket turned into a math problem. And the math problem turned into . . . I HATE MY JOB! Please don’t make me go back out there!”

    Kind of makes me feel sorry for him.

  5. Somewhere in Texas, there’s a very disoriented patrolman. I’m betting he won’t show up for court, ma’am. Not guilty!

  6. No matter where you are, no matter who you meet…its all material for you to share so we can laugh our asses off! Thank you for that! I like the TARDIS phone cover. If only the officer knew…can’t wait till you talk to Victor about it. Lol! More material for sure.

  9. Love this so much! Oh, goodness. I always attempt to say as little as possible to/around police officers, perhaps I’m missing out on some fantastic conversations! I agree with Mona (above) imagine how he’ll tell the story.

  11. ahh getting pulled over would be so scary. i’d probably be all nervous and get searched/tested for no reason other than my anxiety flares up in situations like that.

  14. That does need to be a ringtone, I’d totally buy that for my phone, and then secretly hijack all my friends phones and download it onto theirs.

  15. I should totally have that cop over for thanksgiving. he’d make my old fashioned family so happy. full of ma’ams, and pleases, and thank yous. I bet he’d pull out chairs for the ladies.

  22. My friend who is Indian got pulled over yesterday and they marked his race down as White. What are these boxes for anyway if they aren’t going to fill them out properly? How are we going to do all our racial profiling?

  23. I’m not judging your Tardis phone cover. I want one just like it! Sadly, it seems all the cool phone covers are made for iPhones and I have a Droid Bionic.

    Wonder if I could mod podge a printout of a Tardis over a plain blue Droid cover. (Cutting out spaces for the camera and speaker, of course). I might put this in line after my Tardis tie clip project!

  25. For the record? I have the same Tardis skin. Although it was hella hard to find one for a Blackberry–I had to get it from this guy on Etsy.

  26. I don’t about down there, but up here in the GWN, errors on the ticket mean its a freebie!

  27. No field sobriety test? No opportunity to show off your impressive dancing skills? Well. At least you weren’t arrested. And the state of Texas offers algebra tutoring for the recently arrested, just in case.

  29. I’ve been pulled over three times in my life. The first time, when I rolled down my window and he realized how young I was, he asked if I’d had a ticket before. I said no. He then proceeds to tell me that my peach air freshener made my car
    “Smell really pretty, if that makes you feel any better.”
    I said it didn’t, but thank you anyways.

  31. I second the above (drug-related) question. Except you had already said you were on your way to the psychiatrist, so … I mean, the crazies are sort of assumed at that point. Yay!

  35. Reminds me of an old Robin WIlliams routine (all three voices in succession, rapid fire, from RW):
    “I’ll answer your question, but first I want to talk about the serious subject of schizophrenia”
    “NO, he doesn’t!”
    “Shut up, both of you!”

  37. I can’t get over the fact that he thought you were hispanic!
    I should tell you, though, that my husband once responded to someone mentioning a grey car with its lights on, even though our car was BLUE, and guess what? It was our car with its lights on. Which means, I’m pretty sure all men see in greyscale.
    Except, maybe, gay men. Maybe.

  39. Ha! I always respond sarcastically to my students that use “can” incorrectly. I love that you had the balls to do that to a cop!! You are simply the best!

  40. That reminds me of one of my recent conversations with a police officer. Except it was over a burned out headlight that he felt obligated to inform me of.

  44. I really want a phone cover like yours. Also, the ma’am thing–was it a polite ma’am, or a strained “I am using this in place of what I really want to be calling you” ma’am by the end? Inquiring minds… 😀

    <3,
    -J

  47. “If you choose to pay it”? It’s like he WANTS you to go to jail. And my guess is he couldn’t do the math either. I guess that’s what he has the people who you need to call for.

  49. I just got a speeding ticket this week too! I was in my pyjamas, unbrushed teeth, rushing my kids to school–late. I used to work with his wife, so he took $20 off the ticket lol. I really didn’t want to talk to him as I’m sure my breath was horrible, I’m surprised he didn’t arrest me for resisting ticketing. Is that real?

  50. Holy shit, dude. I was so going to share about my time I got arrested– uh, pulled over for speeding, and then I got to the bottom of the page you there’s a god damn TARDIS CASE ON YOUR PHONE. And I completely forgot what i was going to say because I just went all Dr. Who magpie on your ass. Where. Do. I. Get. One. Oh, sorry. that should have a question mark after it, but it just didn’t work with all those emphasis periods.

    Anyway, you can totally email me back about the TARDIS phone thing. It’s not like you’re busy, or get a lot of comments or anything. Thanks. xo

  52. A good friend of mine got pulled over for speeding and told the police officer that she had diarrhea, and that he was really going to regret it if he didn’t let her go… She got off with a warning. Genius.

    A Tardis phone cover… You rock.

    (Synnove-They don’t take their sunglasses off because, well, haven’t you seen Terminator 2?)

  53. Ooo, people wanting the Tardis skin for non-iPhones, here’s where I got mine: http://www.etsy.com/people/stickitskins. I was really pleased with it, although I made my husband put all the individual stickers on my Blackberry for me, because he’s WAAAAY more patient about stuff like that than I am.

  54. I kept thinking maybe at some point in the story, he *might* whip off his glasses and then his velcro break-away pants and be a “cop” like in Magic Mike.

    [Take a note, Siri: Need to invent roaming male-cop-stripper service.]

  55. I almost screamed when I saw you holding my phone, until I came to the much less logical conclusion that we have the same phone case.

  56. And he didn’t ask you to blow into his hand to see if you’d been drinking? Clearly he was trying to get out of extra paperwork.
    LOVE the phone case.

  58. Tardis phone! I got pulled over about a month ago – going 74 in a 65 zone. That’s what I get for choreographing a belly dance routine in my head while driving. He was very nice and let me off with a warning – the nicest cop ever! – and I told him that he totally made my day.

  62. I’m the self-proclaimed Meeter-Greeter for the Texas DPS. Perhaps I can be of help? I’m one of their best customers. P.S. I USE to be married to a cop, and they are humorless unless you have an exceedingly large chest. Stay safe!

  64. So much math! lol

    You were right though. You could have claimed that he ticketed the wrong person. My mom got out of a ticket because the cop never wrote down the date.

  65. First thing I thought when I saw that picture was “Ohhh…wish I had a TARDIS phone cover!” Too bad you can’t use that TARDIS to go back & get out of that ticket.

  66. Here’s the deal….I haven’t been pulled over since I was 19…and I’m 27 now…today I got pulled over and got a ticket and I was considerably upset about and I cried and decided it was a horrible day…and then I log on and see this…and now it’s TOTALLY worth it because I got a ticket the same day you did. You so get me. Hahah

  67. I was recently pulled over for failing to stop at a stop sign.
    In front of the police station.
    And I was running to be the next county court judge.
    And had big magnet signs on the side of my car advertising that I was running for county court judge.
    With my name on them.
    That was a good time……

  69. It is my impression, though not my experience, mind you, that highway patrolmen are not the best audience to try your comedy routine out on. (I just ended a sentence with TWO prepositions!) However, I would love to hear the exchange with the judge should you decide to contest this in court.

  71. The last time I got pulled over I didn’t get a whole lot of “ma’am”. But what do you expect from someone whose real name is Officer Dick?

  72. This would not happen in any other commercial transaction context.

    Like Wal-Mart, for instance. Imagine you’re at Wal-Mart, and you say “How much will this cost?” holding up your item, and the cashier says “I have no idea. You’ll have to do some incredibly stupid math and also call this number.” Sheesh.

    I long for the days of sweaty-palmed bribes slipped sneakily to the officer alongside the license and registration.

  73. I wonder how many police officers/highway patrol have seen people taking pictures of their rear view mirror when they pull them over?

  77. Last time I got pulled over (not like it happens all the time, but this wasn’t the first time either):

    Me, as Officer steps up to my window: Sorry!

    Officer: For what?

    Me: [Internally: *shiiit*.] Uh….speeding? [About 32 in a 25.]

    Turns out it was actually because I hadn’t stopped long enough at a flashing red light when there was no one coming. But he still only gave me a warning, so I guess automatic apology is the way to go?

  78. Surely Victor could mimic the cop and record “You’re not under arrest, ma’am” for your ringtone. Or maybe just go down to the local cop shop with donuts and see who will help you out…

  79. I bet that officer used the word “difficult” several times that day (qirh rhw . Also, he posted your picture from his cruiser camera on his FB page.

  81. hahaha I wish my husband pulled up more ladies like you, your more likely to brighten his day :p

  82. lmmfao @ “there’s probably not a box for that”… there never enough boxes..
    I was in NM a few weeks ago and was called “Ma”am” so much i wanted to smack someone.. HARD

  85. HAAAA!!! I had a similar discourse with a local policeman a few weeks ago. I decided to debate the finer points of “not slamming on your brakes the second you see a police car”. It didn’t go all that well.

  86. I have a TARDIS phone cover too. And one of Starry Night with the TARDIS in it. And an R2-D2 cover as well which went perfectly with my Zombie Princess Leia Halloween costume last week.

  87. Awesome conversation. I wouldn’t dare to talk back to someone carrying a gun, but kudos!

    (I hope I never get pulled over when I visit the USA. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t pass a field sobriety test when I’m sober. I’d end up in jail trying to remember how you are supposed to contact your ambassador)

  88. OK, no one cares about my problems, but I hit the wrong keys and wrote “qirh rhw,” which is NOT Klingon, nerds. Just want that to be on the record. Thank you and good night.

  90. The mistake on race could actually get you out of the ticket. I am surprised you did not go all “Super Troopers” on him and slip in “meow” in your sentences.

  93. As funny as that was I really can’t wait to hear Victor’s reaction. By the way, my husband would have totally let you off for creativity.

  94. Oh. My. God. That made me laugh out loud. What have made it even better is if you had your dressed up baby alligator (crocodile? I can’t keep track of all your dead stuff), seat belted in your front seat. I think he would have taken the invisible medical emergency a little more seriously.

  96. ughhh this makes me feel so much better – just recently got the “flash” that indicates a photo ticket will be soon appearing in my mail box – Apparently they have not disabled ALL the red light cameras in Los Angeles, yes, the news didn’t tell me that…

  97. Man! I wish I had the ability to carry on a conversation with a police officer like that! Every time I’ve been pulled over I turn into sobbing, hiccuping distraught woman. And I always get the ticket. Not once have those tears helped me out!

  102. I totally have the same cover! Hazaa! Sorry you were pulled over. I bet if you asked he would have let you record his voice…

  103. The best part of this is that he’s telling his buddies about this conversation too. Also, next time you will know – always record your arrest and then you get the cool ringtones.

  104. Holy monkey painting his toenails! That is awesome!
    Just a word to the wise though…If an officer ever asks you if you’re aware your break light are burned out, and you say no, and he asks why not? NEVER say to him, “Well, how often do YOU stand behind your vehicle while appluing the brakes?” He will NOT find it funny!

  106. Too funny! Ma’am.

    I don’t know how you’re so witty on the spot like that! My heart would be pounding and my mouth would have lost the muscle memory required to speak.

  108. I love that phone cover! The cops in NJ are never that polite. But they do like irony. I was onxce pulled over for speeding and forgot to put on the emergency brake. I rolled back into the police car. The cop was laughing too hard to give me a ticket and just waved me away with a warning to go slower.

  109. Omibloggess, this is urgent! Have you seen the taxidermy photo posted on FB by Archibald the Pyschotic Housecats Den of Insanity? It’s Cowboy Rat wrangling a huge Snake of Death! Naturally, I thought of you.

  110. I WANT A TARDIS DROID COVER!!!! Whyyyyy won’t they maaaaaake one!?!?! And also, nice verbal akido with the officer. *grin*

  113. I’m in awe. Only a master blogger would have the wherewithal to take a picture in the middle of a non-arrest like that. Wow.

  115. Like many, I’m sure, I’m not judging you over the TARDIS phone cover. That’s awesome. I am, however, a little “judgey” over speeding.

  116. Tardis phone cover??? WANT!!! Where’d you get that??

    Oh, and? GREAT story. He went home and told his girlfriend that night, “you won’t *believe* who I pulled over. You know that crazy woman that wrote that book that you love??”

  117. Okay, you definitely have the most fun being pulled over. I really could have used you in the car when my best friend got pulled over for speeding, and then they searched the car with their drug dog because I looked “suspicious.” No, it wasn’t my car and yes, it was my fault we got searched because apparently being brown in Cullman, Alabama is highly suspicious.

  118. him: Can you step out of the vehicle, ma’am?

    me: I can. Are you asking me to step out of the vehicle, or do you just want to know if I have the ability to?

    I love this!

  120. I’m surprised he didn’t arrest you for violating the Being-A-Smart-Ass-to-Cops law.

    Or, as we call it here in NYS, “Obstructing Governmental Administration, 2nd Degree”. We can make that one work however suitable.

    Stop making us officers work so danged hard, ma’am!!!!!

  121. When he walked up to your car you should have been all “I’m sorry, I’m not doing any photo ops or autographs right now, you’ll have to wait until another time”

  122. You did much better than me. The only three times I’ve ever been pulled over in my life I’ve burst into tears. The first time I was sixteen and I’d just gotten into a fight with my boyfriend (we made up and he’s the hubs now) and I made the cop super uncomfortable, and the other two times I cried BECAUSE the offer yelled a me. Once because my tire was “wobbly” and I didn’t know but that’s no excuse for “almost killing everyone” and the other time was because I’d left my drivers license at home and when I gave him my name and SSN it came up in his system under my maiden name, so I was “trying to steal someone’s identity AND lying to a police officer”.

    So yeah, well done you. Math and Tardis included.

  125. Gotta love it! Unfortunately, cops just don’t understand awesome personalities like yours! Sorry you got a ticket…

    I had an awesome (and by awesome, I mean totally annoying) cop experience this week too. Monday night (11/5), I was coming home from dance practice. It was late (for me, which means 10:00), I was super sick and ridiculously tired but was a good little belly dancer and went to practice anyway, and I was about 1.8 miles from my house (which is in the middle of the north texas countryside between a polo field/equestrian center and a dairy farm). Knowing that my husband would absolutely kill me if I got another speeding ticket this year, I have been VERY good about watching my speed and setting my cruise control, especially within the 10 mile radius of my house, which is full of country speed traps and grump county officers.

    I was doing somewhere between 53 and 55 mph on this little farm to market road with a posted speed limit of 55. I received a lovely little light flash from an oncoming car alerting me that there would be a police officer waiting just around the next corner (I absolutely love that country folk watch out for each other because I totally would have done the same for him), so I checked my speed and was happy with my current cruise setting and continued on my way. I see the cop and think to myself, glad I’m obeying the laws. Then, he pulls out about a mile behind me and then probably hits about 65 so that he can get right up on my ass, then flips on his lights. I check my speed, make sure I wasn’t doing anything wrong, and pull over.

    He walks up to the window and asks for my license and insurance. I realize the copy of my insurance expired on 11/4 (It’s 11/5, mind you). Awesome. I hand him my drivers license, my concealed-carry license, and my one day expired insurance card. He asks me if I am carrying, I said, “Not today, actually. I never get pulled over when I am, funny enough.” He didn’t laugh. He then lets me know that one of my three license plate lights… yes only one, was out and that I needed to get it fixed. He speeds down the little one lane FM road to ride my ass just to tell me to print out a new insurance card and get a new light bulb. He could have caused an accident… all for a light bulb.

  128. If you take any kind of baked goods to the PD I’m sure someone will record what ever you want them to say for a ring tone. They love the baked goods. They would even let you sit in the back of a car for a photo op. and you get a sticker.

  130. You should have told him that you just started your period and were about to bleed through the seat. It would’ve made him so uncomfortable, he would’ve let you go. And if he asked for proof, you could’ve been all, “SEXUAL HARASSMENT! I’M NOT SHOWING YOU MY VAGINA!”

    Or just tell him you really have to poop. Everyone can relate to that.

  132. OH GOD the idea of a “You’re not under arrest ma’am” ring tone is fabulous. MUCH better than the jackass ringtone my coworker has that just repeats “are you there?” 17,000 times before finally shutting the hell up…

  136. I actually think that patrolman should be praised. He didn’t arrest you and he kept his very polite cool.

    (That would have made an amazing ringtone.)

  137. I can’t believe he gave you a ticket! Your adorable ridiculousness should’ve out weighed the infraction, obviously.

  138. Jenny I got pulled over for giving a police officer a dirty look…swear to God!

  139. Didn’t he KNOW WHO YOU WERE??? WTF??? I can’t believe he gave you a ticket. I am just disgusted.

    Also, be careful out there. I have a feeling you always drive really really really really fast.

    xoxo

  140. Jenny, did this really happen? For reals?

    I MUST KNOW.

    I just clam up and break down into tears if I get pulled over. And not as a ploy, I am really always that upset. (It’s only happened twice so far).

    Glad he didn’t see you take the picktah… probably coulda been another ticket, Ma’am.

  141. If by “judging” you mean thinking you’re awsome… um okay… I’ll stop… but awesome is kinda cool… ma’am.

  146. Awesome ticket story -although I’m surprised he didn’t let you go. At some point in there I would have thought he would just give up!

    The math nerd in me needs to point out that the equation is not correct. It should be:

    A = 151 + 5(mph-10-x)

    Where x is the speed limit.

    Do they really make you do the math? When my husband got a ticket, they sent him a bill (with instructions for traffic school).

  148. Hilarious. I don’t think that I would ever be able to do something like that. Last time I was pulled up was just after a psych appointment and I burst into tears.

  150. He didn’t flinch. Maybe he’s read your book – like a primer on how to stay steady just in case he ever pulled you over.

  151. Cops are never polite to me. Probably because I look like a hobo who got ahold of clean clothes somehow.

  154. Why would we judge your TARDIS phone cover? Unless some of your fans are Daleks…

    Is there something you’re not telling us?

  155. But… But… What if I judge you and the verdict is that you are AWSOME! (And so is your phone case.) Can I judge you then?

  159. So, am I the only one that’s curious how fast you were going and what the speed limit was?

    And of course you have a tardis phone cover. If you didn’t, it would be weird. 🙂

  160. You are so lucky he did not ask you to follow him to the station! But he was very polite, and I would have followed him.

  161. Judgement?! You have a Tardis case now. Tardis cases are cool.

    (BTW I have it AND the theme song as a ring tone.)

  164. I admire you for having such a convoluted conversation with him. I wouldn’t have dared to speak up.

    I can’t imagine why he didn’t arrest you for being under the influence – of something. If you repeated the conversation accurately, that is one patient, disciplined police officer.

  165. Oh, that poor police officer. He did *not* know what he was in for when he pulled you over.

    Although, once you mentioned going to the psychiatrist, he probably automatically assumed you were batshit, and everything after just confused him because its unexpected rationality conflicted with his assumption.

  169. I always just cry…and then ramble about frigging tampons or a kid having too pee. The art of confusing the heck out if the police officer is one I must learn. Although up here in Canada it’s deer season, so the cops are all otherwise occupied dealing with all the complainy property owners!!

  170. I’ve somehow never been pulled over in my life. My husband says that is because I live in a big city and don’t use a car but I think he is just bitter because I am clearly a better driver than he is.

    I’m also better at reading, typing and sewing, but he readily admits that…..well actually he says “reading, typing and maybe sewing but I don’t know for sure because I’ve never tried sewing.”

    He’s a gem, my husband.

  171. I have a TARDIS phone cover, too! Way to threaten the officer with something invisible. Watch out for tasers!

  172. OMG, you are so lucky! My last ticket (my first one) was because of a camera at the light. I was speeding just a tiny bit to make the light because every other SINGLE LIGHT had turned red just as I was approaching and I totally could not take one more red light. But that is no excuse apparently, so I got a ticket. I was going 53 in a 40 zone.

    And at the class I took to make sure I didn’t get points on my licence (which I didn’t even know was a real thing, btw), the officer was explaining that the previous week, there had only been two arrests that week due to finding BODIES IN THE TRUNK. And I gasped and said, “Is that a real thing??” And the cop laughed and said, yes, because sometimes when someone kills someone they don’t know what to do with the dead body, so they put it in the car to go dispose of it, and sometimes they get caught. (Actually, it sounds like they get caught A LOT.) So the cop THEN said that you can’t be too careful out there, that the person in the car next to you might be a guy going to work, or someone driving around with a BODY in their trunk!!

    Can’t say you never learn anything in those boring classes.

  173. Speaking of cops who think you’re Hispanic — when I was stopped for speeding this Spring, the cop asked why my Driver’s License had 2 different names on it. My correct caucasian name was PRINTED on it — but the SIGNATURE said “Maria Hernandez.” He asked “Who the heck is Maria Hernandez?” I told him I assumed she must have been the lady in front or back of me in the DMV line, so they mixed up our signatures on the cards! He wasn’t surprised the DMV mixed something up — then I offered to bribe him with homemade cookies I had in my car, but he said he had given up sugar for Lent — I told him I had given up speeding for Lent, and look how well that turned out. He laughed — so no ticket!

  174. I cannot wait to hear the conversation between you and Victor as you tell him about getting a speeding ticket, ma’am.

  175. I need to know where you got your phone cover from.

    Urgently.
    Because I want one.

    And, that’s the greatest pulled over story I’ve ever heard, read or have seen.
    You rock.

  178. Wow! I can’t believe you were so witty and sassy with the cop. The few times I’ve been pulled over I have been a mess! And, I would have been so afraid to say any of those things. Uniforms make me really nervous, some sort of issue with authority, I’m sure.
    Rock on, You!! It’s amazing that you could think straight enough to take the picture! If you ever pull off that ringtone, you should make it available for sale.

  179. The Seattle Police would have probably beaten the shit out of you…but don’t worry…I would have come to the rescue. I’ve always wondered what my mugshot would look like.

    FREE JENNY!

  180. Why does the ticket say whether you’re Hispanic or Caucasian or Martian anyway? I see how the car details might be needed (but not so much if they’re wrong!) but… wha????

  182. Should he read this blog he will find out what a missed opportunity to get an autograph.

  184. Are you also 1/64 th Irish too? It looks like you got pulled over heading on the wrong side of the road. You know like they drive on the left. Orr? Is that a mirror illusion, which might explain why I can’t back up in a straight line.

  186. You need a good radar detector – cheaper than a ticket. They may let you get off by taking a driving course. That is what I had to do when I was a dumb-ass in Dumas. Call the judge and start begging.

  188. He should totally not have given you a ticket. You had a legit medical emergency after all! I think you should go to court and fight it.

  189. Hilarious as usual. I am so surprised you didn’t get arrested! Usual you can’t sass a cop like that! LOL

  192. I last got a ticket on Halloween when I was hyped up on sugar and dressed as a Zombie Mom…which is to say…a Mom-bie. Mister Policeman…WTF?!?!?! If I am not drunk, just in a sugar coma with 5 kids properly buckled in the car seats, just let me go with a warning because YOU DO NOT want to go to court with a Mom-bie.

  195. Either you’re sooo much gutsier than I am or the police in Wall have a MUCH better sense of humor than the ones around New York City. Or both. Hats. OFF. (The bit at the end about the ring tone made my jaw drop.) Go Bloggess!!

  198. Just want to say thank you for ALWAYS making my day better when I read your stuffs. I think “stuff” should be plural sometimes, don’t you?

  199. I want a Tardis phone cover, but haven’t been able to find one for my phone. I practically burst into tears or a shaking mess when I get pulled over.

  200. That was SO MUCH more fun than the last time I got pulled over. I bow before your awesomeness. I am still laughing about this an hour later.

  202. I don’t know how Texas works, but here in KY I think your ticket would be thrown out. Take in your car registration, a picture of said car, and the visual proof that your not Hispanic- and argue that the cop mistakenly pulled you over- obviously he was clocking another car.

  203. My parents were stopped by the police one day when they were downtown. The police officer pulled them over because my step-dad wasn’t wearing his seat belt. The officer said to him, “Sir what is your wife wearing that you are not?” and my smart-ass step-dad said, “A bra?” He still got the ticket. The police officer didn’t even crack a smile.

  204. I haven’t laughed this hard in days. Sorry that it’s at your expense….but damn! That cop probably went straight to the BAR after pulling you over.

  206. Just another example of the man trying to keep a woman down… Lucky he didn’t try to put you in a binder…

  209. After the “I’m late to see my psychiatrist” comment he should have known it was all downhill from there.

  210. Ahem, if one would say like to know, hypothetically of course, where you got said TARDIS phone cover, and hypothetically, if they have one for the iphone 4s, and hypothetically, where would that be?

  211. My dad, Trooper Bob, used to come home with stories about people like you and we would laugh and joke about the lady that daddy stopped. Then I grew up and became one of those people.
    Trooper: Ma’am you were exceeding the speed limit
    Me: Which speed limit?
    Trooper: The speed limit set forth by the state of Texas
    Me: The speed limit set forth by the state of Texas where?
    Trooper: Are related to Trooper Bob?
    Me: How did you know?
    Trooper: Just a good guess ma’am
    and on and on it goes….

  213. You have a fucking TARDIS phone cover! That was the first thing I noticed. And then the cop car. Then the caption on the photo. Could I love you anymore? Well, not in a creepy stalker way. Just in an I love that you have a fucking TARDIS phone cover way.

  214. That’d be an awesome ringtone!

    You’re not under arrest, Ma’am.

    I wonder how hard it’d be to get an officer to repeat what he just said so you can record it.

  215. I’ve got it!
    When you go to court (if you decide to, IDK, it might be fun, you could tell us all about how you’re only just now discovering that you’re hispanic and your car is grey because of reasons): Take the cop a copy of your book. And sign it.

  217. I got pulled over by a cop once speeding to get to my shrink after an argument with my roommate. I told him I was going to a doctor when he pulled me over, and then I threw up on the side of the road (from anxiety of being pulled over, mostly likely, after having just had a fight and scarfing food down before my appointment). Interestingly, the cop did not show up in court so I didn’t have to pay a thing. I am fairly certain he didn’t want to see me throw up again.

  219. I REALLY got pulled over for speeding because of a medical emergency…I was going 45 in a 25 zone…I was rushing to where my son worked because his boss called me to take him to the hospital after he burned his hand while on the job. The cop asked me how old my son was, I said, “18”, which he was. The cop said, “He’s an adult, there is no emergency.” IN MY HEAD I was saying, “Don’t you have children, you idiot? This is my SON we’re talking about here! I’ve got to go help my BABY!!! Just hurry up and write the fucking ticket already!”

    He didn’t ask me to get out of the car, but if he had asked, “Can you get out of the car?” I would have had to bite my tongue because I ALWAYS respond to a “can” question with a smart-ass answer when it is used improperly. My hubby finally caught on after 15 years, and now uses the corrected version of “Would you” or “May I.” B-)

    PS – My son is fine, by the way. He touched something that had a BIG YELLOW CAUTION SIGN on it that said, “CAUTION: HOT! DO NOT TOUCH.” My son said to me, “It didn’t look hot so I had to find out if it really was” in a straight-faced, deadpan look. This was 10 years ago. He’s still not a very bright boy. 🙁

  220. Did the officer offer to cancel the ticket if you. Just. Stopped. Talking…?! British cops tend to be more polite & sarcastic, rather than polite & patient… Still the funniest thing I’ve read today! : ))

  221. My husband is a cop- so he’s got that whole “ma’am” tone thing down. Maybe I can get him to let me record it for you. I doubt it though. Part of why I find your blog so entertaining is that Victor has about as much of an appreciation of your humor as my husband has for my humor.

  222. I would never judge you for your TARDIS phone cover. Because I have one too. My ringtone is also the theme song. And my text notification is the TARDIS whoosh sound.

    Yeah, I might have a problem.

  225. Love everything you write. But would love it even more if your links opened in a different window. It’s an easy box to check and I don’t like losing my place in your winding words of wisdom as they can be going in many directions and I’m doing my best to keep up with you!!!! Now go read my stories, too… I’m lonely. http://www.pencilenvy.blogspot.com

  228. This is better than the time an officer pulled me over in Virginia for speeding and I decided to share a joke with him that I’d heard the day before so I said: “Have you heard the joke about the police officer’s ball?” He said no and I seized on the opportunity to infuse the situation with some humor by telling him the joke: A woman gets pulled over for speeding. The officer says, “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?” She says: “I don’t suppose it’s to invite me to the police officer’s ball.” Officer: “Ma’am, police officers don’t have balls.”
    He did not think it was funny. At all.

  229. OMG! That’s the EXACT phone cover that I want to get. It’s epic!!! 🙂

    P.S.
    I’m mad at my library. I checked out your book but I didn’t get a chance to read it and they wouldn’t let me keep it any longer. Now I have to go back to the bottom of the waiting list. Boo!

  230. I was “ma’am-ed” for the first time yesterday.
    I had to fight the urge to slap her.

    It was only one but it was a black cloud over the rest of my day.
    15 in one conversation would have made me quite stabby.

  231. Was he wearing the hat? I *love* when they wear the hat. They look so… official.

    And you should totally get one of those traffic lawyers – with those mistakes on the ticket, he can easily get that thrown out and you’ll only have to pay the lawyer fee (usually much cheaper than the ticket and no license points or defensive driving course.) [And I also live in TX so I know this works here.]

  233. If I get pulled over I usually start crying and then the officer feels bad. I can’t help it! I panic but it seems to work.

  237. Ok such a smart ass you are and I love it…………………………………….Gotta admit he too had a small sense of humor to put up with that in these small counties and backroads of Texas. Shit. Would love to be a fly on the wall when you go to pay this one…………………………

  238. My senior year of high school, I was headed into school late (you could skip certain parts at the end of the year if you’d already passed the graduation exam) when I reached over to get something from the passenger’s seat of my car and swerved ever so slightly. A cop car appeared behind me out of nowhere and tailgated me for a mile before I, with all of the hot-headedness genetics can confer, pulled over, got out of my car, walked up to the driver’s side window of the now also parked cop car, and snapped, “Is there a problem here, Officer?”

    I was not arrested, ticketed, or shot. I can only assume he was too busy wondering wtf I thought I was doing to think of doing any of those things.

  241. At least he sounded like a respectful and reasonable patrolman. I had one pull me over for running a red light. She scared my kids to death by shining flashlights in all their faces, then asked me, “What are you doing on this road, anyway.” I said as respectfully as I could, “Driving on it.”

    Oh, and I have that same iPhone cover! Yay for geek moms!!

  242. One time, I got pulled over and he took my license. My mom had to come get me. When she got there she proceeded to argue with the cop because he asked her not to approach the vehicle. On her way back to the car she shouted, “she’s my DAUGHTER! Is not like we were going to molest you, asshole.” It was worth all the tickets.

  243. In an unrelated note, while trying to post that the site went wonky and it annoyed me, so I grunted in frustration and my husband blew me a kiss. I said, “stop it. Go back to sleep, jerk.” Thanks for costing me my marriage. I blame the cop.

  244. There is nothing more terrifying than seeing those blue and red lights in your rearview minor. There is nothing more terrifying than seeing those lights twice in six months.

    Luckily, both of the officers were lovely and let me off with a warning!

  246. I had a very nice policeman pull me over last week for going 15 miles over the speed limit AND having a “slightly” expired registration. He asked where I was going in such a hurry. My response, “Walmart. *hung my head in shame*. I wanted to get around the slow guy in the Prius and I just kept going.” At this point I catch him trying not to smile. He left and came back a minute later and let me off with a warning.

  247. As a red dress wearing, metal chicken owning cop, I can say this would have MADE MY DAY. Please, just ONE traffic stop like this and I can retire happy!

    Oh, and please slow down ma’am.

  249. I love your tardis phone cover. I’m also disturbingly curious about the interaction you had with the Doctor the other day… I NEED to KNOW!!!!

  250. And then he goes back to the station and tells everybody about the crazy lady he pulled over…wonder how that conversation went, ma’am! xo

  251. I’m remembering something Ron White once said about his arrest in NYC.

    “Now, at the time, I had the right to remain silent. Unfortunately, I no longer had the ABILITY.”

    Yeah. That’s an important thing to have.

  253. You are SOOOO lucky that guy was nice (even if he didn’t have a sense of humor). He could have been a complete j@ck@ss and ruined your day. I love the algebra….haha!…by the way, how many $5s were you going over?

  254. I wish I could say that I couldn’t believe that you took a picture of the cop in your rearview mirror…..but I TOTALLY believe that you took that picture.

    The one time I got a speeding ticket, the cop said “Do you know how fast you were going?” and I was like “…..too fast?” I was stung by the injustice of it. I was passing somebody within-legal speed, and THEY SPED UP. And somebody was behind me. So then I sped up because I had to finish passing. and I’m the one who got pulled over. It was totally sweet.

  258. I’m jealous of the TARDIS phone cover, but I judge you because your math is wrong.

  260. What a coincidence, my mother was pulled over this morning, but only received a warning. I was with her and although I can’t remember everything the officer said, I do remember my mother saying, “Shit, fuck, goddamnit, shit, what the hell? Shit!” I’ll have to let her know what good company she’s in.

  261. If he couldn’t get your race and car colour right, how can you be sure he got the speed right? Do they have something on board that records it? I’d totally be tempted to challenge it just on the basis that he obviously is colour blind & not at all sure what Hispanic means (but only if you can find someone who’d do it pro bono lol)! He obviously needs a refresher.

    And omg, how fast were you going that you needed to attempt algebra to figure out how much it cost? OR were you attempting to prove your math teacher right that you’d actually need that shit one day?! lol

  263. My sister and I got pulled over this summer when we were on vacation and we took a picture in the rear view mirror too!! LOL!

  268. If his in car camera had gotten you running into HIS vehicle and then taking off you would have gotten SO MANY HITS. That sort of thing can make a little blogger like you, y’know.

  272. That poor officer. He probably went home and went straight to bed with his thumb corked in his mouth. Bet he has a permanent tic now whenever he sees women with dark hair and glasses drive by.

    Sorry…Hispanic/Czech/Cherokee women with dark hair and glasses. Mea culpa.

  273. I also have a Tardis phone case!!!! I love Doctor Who!
    Getting pulled over is no fun, if I was a police officer, I would totally have let you off the hook for your creative excuse!

  274. I bet crying would have helped in this situation. Not saying it’s right, but I would have been crying to begin with for being late. It’s the damn invisible illness. <>

  275. Wow, Jenny. Just….wow. The last time I got pulled over I started hyperventilating and burst into tears. I’m sure both officers left the scenes equally befuddled but seriously? You are my hero.

  276. Jenny,

    Don’t worry, my 12 year old daughter has a TARDIS phone cover, too.

    She loves it.

    Duke

  277. Ugh. If I had a nickel for every time I had to solve an algebraic equation during a traffic stop, I’d have probably..um…carry the 7…divide by.. pi…

    Never mind.

  278. So, I wish that I would’ve had this logic when I most recently got a speeding ticket. ha. Although, I’m sure I would not have been so lucky as you and would have ended up arrested. Oh well, traffic school was my bff for all of 4 hours. Glad to put that behind me!

  281. You would think he would have just been overwhelmed by your question and let you on your way or asked you to walk a straight line backwards and point to your nose.

  283. I’ve tried that excuse before, too, and it actually got me in more trouble because the massive asshole decided to treat me like not only someone who was going 15 over the speed limit (45 in a 30? How is that SUPER DANGEROUS OMG?) but like a crazy one who was going to go off and freak out at any second. Literally, he immediately put his hand on his taser. However, I love how you handled him with the funny, though he was obviously enough of a neanderthal to not understand the jokes.

    We need more smart people on the force.

  285. I turned a corner too fast and found before I could slow down that I was in a speed trap. How was I supposed to know this was 25 miles zone an hour before I turned the corner? I asked the officer. He actually said, we are hoping more people like you don;t know the same thing. I wrote what he said down which made him ask to see it. He corrected me, to say, I said, “many more. ” Lol. I inserted the “many.” So I took it to court and the judge agreed with me. Yay.

  286. I would much rather just pay the ticket and not do the math, but CLEARLY that’s not possible.

    The horror of Algebra, ma’am.

  288. 1. The policeman is probably now in cop-retreat center for snark-impaired cops. 2. He obviously does not understand that being late for a psychiatrist appointment is a definite reason for speeding. He needs sensitivity training. 3. Here on the East Coast nobody uses the word “ma’am” except when addressing old people. Sorry. 4. Also here on the east coast in a major city you take your chances when stopped by a cop and become the most gentle, little-old-me “I’m just a woman.” And smile respectfully. OT- in the box indicating race I always put “Human”.

  289. I hired him to give you a lap dance not give you a ticket!!!

    I have lost all faith in the male dancer industry.

  290. First, no judging here, the only reason I don’t have a TARDIS phone cover was they were out of stock and I had to get Daleks.
    Second, The best way to avoid a ticket is to always travel with someone who is extremely pregnant, and willing to fake labor. Although this dose come with two drawbacks; 1) they might really go into labor, 2) the officer sometimes feels the need to escort you to the hospital.
    You handled that very well, if you have to go in and talk to a judge try to go in late enough that he/she is tired of all the excuses and just say yes, I was speeding and just want to pay what I owe. Doesn’t always work but nine out of ten they reduce it down to a lesser violation, but if you go in too late they just have you pay the fine.

  291. just FYI, did you know you do NOT have to pay traffic tickets.
    Read the fine print on the ticket.
    You can skip paying the fine if you GO TO JAIL. That’s an alternative punishment.
    Think what a cool blog that would make.

    I promise, the folks in there ‘sitting out a fine’ which is what the “Refuse to pay traffic ticket community” calls it, aren’t dangerous.
    Much.

  292. me: So it’s A = $151 + (mph -10 + 5N). Solve for A?

    That formula is crazy! What is N?
    Your verbal description would be Fine = $151 + $5(speed-(10 + speed limit)) in mph. And ever that is odd. For example say you were going 70 in a 65 mph zone the fine would be 151 + 5(75-70) = 151 – 25 = $126

    Post the formula. With my advise you will either get the fine reduced of be cited for contempt.

  293. Judging you, hell – I’m envying you!

    Also, I’m pretty sure cops use ma’am more when they’re trying not to smile. I like to believe you made his day.

  295. I am ROLLING! Because? I am married to “other side” of this story. Oh the stories he comes home with. And thank you all for making it so much fun FOR ME! Seriously, very few perks in public service (other than the honor to serve of course, I mean OF COURSE!) but the stories, the STORIES, those keep me content for hours. Days even.

  296. Substantially similar to an interchange I had with an officer in Simi Valley CA a couple of weeks ago.

    I chattered at him about being late for my brother’s wedding and was apparently too animated so he gave me the “watch my finger” field sobriety test–in spite of me telling him, “I’m not drunk. I’m just stupid.”

    Then he took too long to write the damned thing so I started putting my bridesmaid’s gown on in the parking lot. On his walking up, and him still looking heavily annoyed, I said, “So I guess I shouldn’t ask you to zip me up, huh?”

    My kids were convinced I was going to be arrested.

  300. The last time I was pulled over for speeding the cop said, “If you weren’t going 15 over, I would just give you a warning.
    Next time I’ll be sure to keep it at 14 MPH over.
    He was a nice cop that didn’t call me Ma’am. How I have learned to hate that with a passion….

  303. Man, you can even make getting pulled over fun. It’s like a superpower. My only superpower is to make dull situations life-threateningly dangerous. Which. Ahem. Is awesome if you think about it. You won’t ever need to pull the fire alarm when you need to get out of a crowded building, like they always do in movies–because you’ll ACTUALLY HAVE STARTED A FIRE. On accident.

    Wanna trade superpowers?

  304. @Lisa
    It’s actually a piece wise function. If we want to be very exact. 🙂

    A = { 151 + 5(mph-10-x) } if (x > mph)
    A = { 0 } if (mph <= x)
    Where x = Speed Limit, mph = Miles Per Hour

  305. I was convinced this was going to end in arrest. Or 5150. Or both. You had the nicest most patient cop ever. I was once stopped for speeding and only avoided a ticket because we were on the way to my mom’s last chemo session. She showed them her bald head as proof. He was all “you’re kicking it’s butt, right!?”. My mom said “I’m sure trying” . Then he tipped his hat and let us go. I wanted to make out with him I was so happy

  310. So… let me get this straight: You THANKED him for giving you a ticket? Well, you are gonna get a free math lesson, (with the answers even!), but still Jenny! Best Victor voice: “The fuck?!”

    Did you get lost again after all that trauma too? *grins from the directionally disabled too*

  311. Oops… here is how you don’t get a ticket next time: Always keep a water bottle with you, nearby, in your car. When you see lights go on behind you? Pour that water on your crotch. As he/she is getting out of the car and approaching yours? Stuff both hands in between your legs. After being asked by copperoo why you were speeding… glance down at your crotch and tell him/her you had to pee REALLY bad, but… now it’s, ummmm, too late.

    Here’s the deal… cops ALWAYS have you touch and sign ANY TICKET with THEIR pen, ticket pad, clipboard, etc. Bottom line? After your hands have been buried in your WET crotch for them to see? They will never, never, NEVER give you a ticket, just a warning.

    Tried and true. No shit. Eww… really, no shit. That’s not necessary. *grins* It’s better to get out of a ticket in the first place than to fight one. Or… eek! Traffic School too! Yannow?

    Ketchup packets and period excuses with the same scenario, I hear, work really well too. 😉

  315. I’m sure after 311 comments no one really reads them anymore but major cool points with the Tardis phone cover and I think you should have charged HIM money for the entertainment! Oh wait… no, that could have definitely led to an arrest…..

  316. Okay, you live in Texas. The ma’am thing, well, it just is. The police in the town where we used to live were just ruthless about speeding (and rightfully so, blah blah blah anyway) and I got three separate tickets on the following occasions:
    1. 41 weeks pregnant and about to literally pee my pants. No mercy.
    2. Trying to beat the day care clock, which was five bucks a minute after six, and they didn’t even charge for the added guilt. No mercy.
    3. FREAKING CHRISTMAS DAY. On Main Street. In front of the town Christmas Tree. And my brother in law (driving past by happenstance). No mercy.
    It could have been worse, I guess. Now going to get the calculator to figure out your mathy algebra recipe or whatever it’s called.

  318. Wow, your life sounds as entertaining as mine! I would blog about mine but I just have no idea where to start, however this blog made me think about the time I actually got arrested (when I was 5 months pregnant!) for not having my Dog licensed in the state of Arkansas, of course it didn’t help me any when I looked the cop in the eye and said “you are fucking shitting me! Don’t you have anything better to do, like arrest rapists and child molesters!?!?” ya got the handcuffs on real tight then. Then last week, I got arrested for a warrant, that I had already taken care of, 😐 then last Friday, my fiance got hit, by a jeep, driven by the same cop that arrested me, just he was off duty.. I swear, this is just too insane for me to even make up!! I’m actually speechless! (which is even funnier cuz I am deaf… just don’t ever know how to shut up!)
    Have a great day!! Ha ha!

  320. (oh, to clarify, my fiance was on foot, not in a vehicle.. he is OK, beat up, but OK!)

  321. I love the conversation. It’s fun and sneaky.. Lol! The Tardis phone cover is fun too! i love it actually..

  322. Last time I got pulled over, I told my 3 young kids in the back seat that their mom was going to jail for going too fast. By the time the police officer got to the window, they were all crying and begging him not to take their mom to jail…and I was snickering because he did not want to deal with this mess!! Got off with a warning and went to the drive through for ice cream for my kids as a reward.

  324. Getting pulled over is always so embarrassing! The last time it happened to me the cop turned out to be someone I went to high school with so that was a good/bad situation. On the good side I got let off with a warning, on the bad side everyone knew about it barely an hour later. Damn Facebook!

  325. Just had to share this with you. All that “ma’am” stuff got be thinking about Sergeant Joe Friday.

  326. WOW I totally love your blog and I hope you are serious about the “second book” because I loved reading the first.

  327. Yeah, well, I have a CAT named Tardis. And another named Ianto. (Dr. Who and Torchwood, but I’m sure you knew that.)

  329. Hey Jenny, not sure if this was brought up in the comments or not, didn’t get through all 300-some of them, BUT the incorrect ethnicity and car color is deliberate. Cops do that on occasion when they feel you were going too fast for a simple warning and want to send some sort of message. Basically, if you took the time to fight the ticket in court and show the discrepancy, they’ll throw the ticket out and not charge you a fine, or you could just ignore the discrepancy and pay the ticket. They’re essentially just making sure you’re mildly inconvenienced either way you decide to play it.

  331. Wait. What? They mark race on a ticket? It’s been awhile since I was pulled over, but I’m pretty sure they don’t do that in Canada !

  332. Well…you could have been arrested and had to do math problems non-stop as punishment…that would have been worse than paying the fine in our book…Ma’am

  336. OMG! My husband is half Czech! Maybe you and he are related?

    Don’t you hate that shit? It’s almost as bad as “OMG! Your name is Jenny? So is MINE! We must be twins :)”

    I would come appear in court on your behalf. I’ve actually beaten the rap on a moving violation. I drew diagrams and everything. I even took a picture…back in the days of film cameras…and even developed the film and brought in the picture to the judge. I think he was mostly impressed that I did all that work. Plus the officer was stupid so I had that working in my favor, too.

    Good luck with that 🙂

  337. This is why I save your posts for a Sunday Morning! So that I can choke on my breakfast in the comfort of my own kitchen without coughing and spluttering food over innocent members of the public as my asthma attacks while LMAO, thank you Ma’am

  338. i kept waiting for, “EXCUSE ME! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM???” and he would be all ma’am? and you would say, “THE BLOGGESS.” and he would be all ma’am? and you would be all, “the bloggess.” and he would be all, “no, ma’am.” 😉

  340. I bet he shared your license plate number with everyone else at the precinct and warned them not to stop you. Also, I’m totally not judging the Tardis phone cover because I’d love to have one and I bought my daughter a Tardis lunch box.

  341. Yes, technically you were arrested. Being pulled over and given a ticket is considered an arrest, it’s just not a custodial arrest. I learned that from my be a lawyer in 1047 easy installments correspondence course. It’s like diet arrest, or I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-arrest, or another low calorie arrest related pun.

    You will also be able to fight the ticket and win. I would say you should hire a lawyer, but then you would just be paying the attorney instead of the fine. You have numerous readers, at least one of whom should be a traffic attorney. Mine them for free legal advice in the comments. Call it the Bloggess Defense Comment Fund.

  342. How fast were you going? Not sure, maybe 55?
    What’s the speed limit here ? Around 55 I think, aren’t you supposed to know this stuff before you stop me?
    Cop: Don’t try this routine on me.

    Whatever this routine is get the word out that it doesn’t work on all of them.

  343. Okay, well, I already loved you like some kind of awesometastic superhero, only with more curlers (although I have to suspect Wonder Woman keeps a curling iron in her purse, or something),… But the fact that you have a TARDIS phone cover… Can I be you when i grow up? Errr. if I ever get around to that. *which I won’t*

  344. My daughter saw your TARDIS phone case, and read the story with me and said “I want her to be my new best friend.” I told her… “Sweetie, she can’t be your new best friend, because she’s mine, even if she doesn’t know it yet. She’d have to be like your crazy, kinda sorta, almost aunt.”
    She grinned, and said, “I’ll take it!”
    So there, see, you just adopted us. You’re welcome.

  345. A) I have the same TARDIS phone cover.
    2) I also got stopped for speeding just last night.
    III) The lady trooper let me go with a warning. I suspect because we were a minivan full of mostly women who were on our way to skate in a roller derby bout.

  346. I wish I could talk to cops like that. I have panic attacks when I see them. I blame my son.
    When he was 5 I was pulled over for allegedly running a stop sign (I still think the cop was wrong). My son saw the flashing lights and immediately started singing “Bad boy bad boys whatcha gonna do…” Then when the cop comes up to the window he takes one look at her and says “cops are supposed to be boys NOT girls!” needless to say she was NOT happy and I didn’t get out of that ticket!
    Of course now (he’s 13) if I’m pulled over (only happened once) he asks the officer “what did she do this time officer? I tried to tell her to behave but she never does.” I think he WANTS me to get arrested… again! JK

  347. You could have given the indignant celebrity “Don’t you know who I am?!” a try. OR- even better- you totally should have just unleashed one of your awkward party stories in hopes of weirding him out so that he would just turn around and get right back in his car without another word. Then you’d both have a new story to tell. Win win- worth way more than the cost of that ticket!

  350. Ma’am…figuring out the cost of that ticket will require that algebra that your 9th grade teacher told you that you would have to use someday!

  353. love the tardis phone cover I want one they just don’t make them for the Samsung Galaxy SII

  354. Someday, when I finally break down and get a smart phone, my next purchase will be a TARDIS phone cover and then I will walk around judging everyone else for their poor taste in phone covers as compared to mine which will be epically AWESOME!!!

  355. I’m going to use this as a teaching moment for my son. See, son, you will always need math. Even when you get a ticket. And he’ll say, ” Yes Ma’am!”

  356. At least you didn’t ask him whether he was selling tickets for the policeman’s ball (stop me if you know this one). . .

  357. I know this isn’t the most recent post, but OH MY GADS WHY AREN’T WE FRIENDS? Is it okay if I just pretend we are? And that you’re coming over for hot chocolate later? Mkay.

  362. OMG! “…Do you want me to get out of the car, or are you just asking if I have the ability to?” Hahaha! You have the biggest balls alive! I sort of love you.

  363. I would have paid top dollar to see you in the back of his car, harassing the hell out of him with all your questions… ; ) The last time I was pulled over I refused to get into his car with him while he wrote the ticket. He kept insisting I had to comply and I told him hell would freeze over first. When he finally asked why I wouldn’t get in the car, I said, “Sir, I don’t know you and I’m perfectly fine standing right here.” He shook his head at me like I was crazy and said, ” But I’m a police officer and I’m ordering you to get into my vehicle.” To which I replied, “You are strange man with a gun and I don’t take orders from anybody.” Suffice it to say, it didn’t end well.

  365. You know he went back and was telling all of his cop buddies about the most obnoxious woman he pulled over and he should have brought you in on principle but didn’t want to have to possibly deal with you sitting in the backseat of his car.

  366. I’m kinda confused as to why so many people are pissy about being called ma’am. It’s considered polite down here in Texas. Also, I must be the only person in the world who shuts up and takes my tickets because well, I know that I’m breaking the law by speeding. Whether I agree with the speed limit or not isn’t the issue.

  368. Seeing the TARDIS cover I thought “Cool!” then “OMG I hope she took that pic AFTER the conversation.”

    Cops get a little jumpy when you do weird things.

  370. I have that same TARDIS phone cover! I also downloaded the Dr. Who theme song for my ring tone and a recording of David Tennent saying “Ah! A text! You might want to read that, it might be important.” as my text alert. It’s possible I have a problem, but I’m fairly certain I’m not alone :0)

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Dance recital problems- when you take your ponytail holder off but your hair remains in a ponytail.
Mysteries from the post office, part 3.
Victor said there was a life hack for removing these without scissors and I was like, “Yeah, I already know one” and now I’m bleeding.
Hailey wrote a 10 minute play for school called Happy Fun Times and it won the audience choice award last night! So proud of them.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Coolest American Stories 2023: If you want a book of unputdownable, unpretentious, full-length short stories, we got ya covered. Our 2022 volume went to a 3rd printing; readers are singing this volume’s praises, too.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Just Another Meat-Eating Dirtbag: A memoir: ‘A charming, often hilarious look at how love is actually the worst.’-Tom Hart, author of the NYT bestseller Rosalie Lighting

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

A Thousand Miles to Graceland by Kristen Mei Chase: The journey of a thousand miles begins with sequins and a beehive wig in this funny and tender novel about Mothers, daughters and the surprising power of Elvis.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

The Feely Human Collective: A space for the big-hearted, the highly sensitive, the activists, meaning makers, and mental health advocates. A space to grow and grapple with the wonders of empathy, vulnerability, and emotional curiosity and be seen in all your beautiful wholeness.

Stix Yarn: We live in the beautiful mountains of Montana, sell gorgeous yarns and unique fabrics, and offer lots of opinions on the best ways to get the most out of said mountains, yarn, and fabric.

Quantum Possum: an inclusive, neurodivergence-affirming graphic novel taking readers on a wacky & frequently sidetracked adventure through Cosmic Bog, helping creatures in need and including everyone in the fun.

Acrylic Diva’s Online Painting Class: paint yourself happy from the comfort of your home. Stress free, easy art instruction with a seasoned professional artist. It’s the most fun you can have in your pajamas. Really.

Paris Writers: Join best-selling novelists Laurie Frankel, Ann Garvin, and Lauren Grodstein for a week of practical information – and inspiration! – in Paris this summer.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

PillTimer: No ads, no tracking, no math; just simple, no-nonsense medicine tracking for iPhone and iPad.

Green Heart Guidance: Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., is an international psychic, intuitive and medium who helps people heal from physical, spiritual, emotional or sexual illnesses and traumas.

Thanks to Her: Finding Power and Inspiration in Your Family Photos Discover how American women (and your own relatives!) kicked ass between 1900-1950. Remember: Yes, she did … And so can you!

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.