This scale is an asshole.

me: OMG.  This scale can’t even bring itself to tell me how fat I am.

Victor:  What?

me:  This scale.  It’s  being an asshole, and it’s sort of worse that it won’t just TELL ME what I weigh.

Fuck you, scale.

Victor:  That’s an error message.

me:  Awesome.  I’m so fat I broke the scale.

Victor:  No.  You just didn’t use it right.  You have to touch it first, then wait for it zero out.  Then you step on.

me:  I’m too fat to follow instructions.

Victor:  Step away from the scale, Jenny.

me:  It’s even mocking me.  It says “Thinner” ON IT.

Victor:  That’s the name of the brand.

me:  My head hurts.

Victor:  Mine too.  For different reasons.

263 thoughts on “This scale is an asshole.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. That scale is an asshole….an asshole that needs to learn how to fly out an open window!
    If the clothes fit, you are okay. That’s how I play the scale game.

  2. Your foot skin is lovely 🙂 Yeah, that just sounds weird. But since my tootsie skin looks like an alligator at the moment because it’s been so cold and dry here I am envious of the places where that doesn’t happen, and darn it I will tell people when they look lovely. And lady, you got some lovely lady feets!

  3. YES! Mine does that all the time and every single time, I’m always like “what the fuck is this shit!?”. Like…cool error message. Cool.

  4. I have one of those. Occasionally it switches to kilograms for no apparent reason. Initially it’s shocking. For example, Giuliana Rancic’s weight in kilograms is probably a negative number. LOL

  5. I always get back at my scale by standing on it. You wanna be an asshole? It’s cool – I will just put all that sexy weight you’re mocking ON TOP OF YOU.

  6. I have a scale that’s even worse. I step on the scale for it to tell me that I’m up 8.2 lbs. Then I know that can’t be right, so I try again. Now I’m down 3 lbs. Just for giggles, I step on again. Now I’m up 1.2. Then down .6. Then up, again…..
    I wanted to break it into a million pieces, but it’d probably tell me I was at my goal weight. Who fucking knows.
    I hate scales.

  7. My scale did that. Remember that scene in Office Space where they take the printer out to the field? That might have been what happened to it. Incidentally, plastic toddler bats don’t work quite as well as real ones. Also, if you do that shit in your yard the neighbours take notice. It’s like they’ve never seen someone ragefully smash a scale before. Sheesh.

  8. First it mocks you, THEN gives you a headache?! Asshole. You should see what kind of headache it gets when you take a hammer to it…

  9. I love how I can move my scale all around the bathroom and get a different weight every time. I know exactly where the ‘light’ spot is. Your scale is an asshole, mine’s just a tease 😉

  10. i think that basically means you can choose whatever weight you want. like when clothes don’t have a tag that means their free, right?

  11. I’m impressed you let your husband in the room with you when there’s a scale involved. My relationship with the scale is strictly between us. And occasionally the nurse at the doctor’s office.

  12. Total asshole Scale! Although I think I prefer the “Err” as opposed to my scale telling me how much I actually weigh. In my mind “Err” = 125…in jibberish.

    Amy*

  13. Hey, at least your scales are polite…mine just read “Baahahahahahahaha!” And yes, you do have nice feet. I have nice feet but I think that’s because I spend far too much time sitting on my arse so my feet never get worn out…..

  14. “I’m too fat to follow instructions.” Bahahahahahaha! Our scale is the same. Sometimes it takes five tries to work. I often want to throw it out the window.

  15. Just put a new battery in mine, and it said I was nine pounds lighter than the scale at my doctor’s office. Who has the awesomest scale? THIS CHICK RIGHT HERE. I’ve decided I’m dragging it with me to the doc office next week. Never mind that it’s so heavy I can barely lift it…no pain no gain. Or in this case, lose.

  16. Yup. The scale is an asshole. What’s all this waiting for it to work right? What happened to scales you just stepped on, the number rolled up on that rotating do-hickey, and if you weren’t crazy about the number, you could adjust it a little so that the number was more pleasing? Ugh, technology.

  17. It looks like it’s made of glass. That means it should make a satisfying *SMASH* if dropped from a sufficient height.

  18. My parents got me one for my 31st last year (I asked for it, it wasn’t some sort of hideous hint) but while it worked perfectly at their house, when I drove it home something must have shifted, because now it routinely tells me I’m 20 pounds lighter than I am.

    It’s the best scale ever.

  19. Why can’t we all have Special K scales that say things like Joy and Confidence and Hot Damn. Your scale is channeling a Valley Girl.

  20. Throw the scale out the window! Scales are the devil’s spawn! This is proof! No, really. I don’t believe in scales. I believe in hanging up something that you can’t fit into on your closet door and tormenting yourself until you can fit into it. 🙂 Sexy feet, btw! Wish mine looked that good.

  21. Why are there mirrors under your toes? That would be my question….why does the scale want you to look at the bottoms of your toes? or is it secretly trying to get a look underneath your nightgown? Have you checked the scale for a secret camera?

  22. My scale broke. So I went to all the trouble of taking it apart, buying a new battery and putting it back together. Then it said I weighed 48 pounds. So I bought a new scale which says I weigh 10 pounds more than I could possibly weigh (lol). I should have left the old one broken.

  23. My scale will randomly start weighing with nothing on it and nothing touched it. Sometimes it tells me that the air weighs 4.2 pounds. I’ve weighed myself before and after a poop and it’s told me I gained weight through that process. Pretty sure I don’t have anti-gravity poo so that just shows my scale is an ass too.

  24. Apparently, our scales are related. Mine has this awful light that tells me green (yes you lost something) yellow (your fat ass is pushing it) red (damn girl, what the hell did you eat) .. so yeah. Devils!

  25. All scales are assholes and I won’t have an asshole in my home. If my clothes fit, I’m okay. If they are getting tight, I have to do something. Period!

  26. in the scale and victor’s defense .. the instructions are right there between your feet at the bottom. wait… did i just side with the scale AND victor? oh shit. i need more coffee! btw, the instructions can’t be seen once you are on the scale VICTOR! i’m just saying.

  27. My scale hates me too. Personally I think they should be outlawed if they’re going to be such jerks.

  28. It’s actually like those situations where you ask your husband “How does X make me look?” And he responds, “Err, you look great.” So your scale is trying to be polite but lacks the ability to articulate itself.

    P.s. And because I’m cursed with the kind of mind that can’t help but point these things out… You technically just contributed porn to the Internet for one of the most common fetishes.

  29. Oh, you need an EatSmart Scale. Honestly, all scales are awful but at least the EatSmart is accurate and you don’t have to do that stupid tapping before getting on.

  30. This is why I always weigh myself the old fashioned way: Using a complex scale involving ducks and rocks.

    This also explains why I’m not winning any friends at the Condo Association.

  31. At least you aren’t like me, becasue when the scale tells me that I have lost weight I refuse to believe it and then start fiddling with the calibration becasue clearly there is something wrong with the scale. Clearly.

    This might be the saddest thing I have ever typed about myself.

    Well.

  32. I hear ya!!!
    My scale is stuck on the same number. It seems accurate (gulp) until I only step half on it it gives me the same number… asshole.

  33. Sometimes my scale tells me a different number two times in a row, so I usually go by the best out of three. Because scales are assholes.

  34. We recently replaced the old bathroom scale of 10+ years and the new one says I’m a pound and a half fatter than the old one.

    I miss the old one.

  35. Get rid of the scale! All it gives you are numbers and something to obsess about. If your clothes fit, you’re good. If your clothes are a little loose, have a little treat. If they’re a little tight, put down the doughnut and go for a walk.

  36. OMG. I totally had this exact same conversation 4 days ago. My friend and I are on a stupid weight loss kick. She wants me to step on the scale and gives me an error and I say the same thing! Im so fat it wont even weigh me! stupid fucking scales! I got a damn workout just stepping on and off the thing trying to get it work, if only it was elevated higher!

  37. Have had the same bathroom scale the past 24 years, as one of our wedding presents. I should take a picture, because describing it doesn’t do it justice. The face of it, has a picture that looks like you’re stepping on spikes. yea… someone had fun with that one.

  38. Oh god. My scale is the same kind of asshole. I always forget I have to touch it first. I think our scales are conspiring to make us not only fat, but also insane. Damn stupid plotting asshole scales.

  39. My scale was such an asshole I threw it out. For years, those numbers drove me insane, but, NO MORE! Time to go on a diet when the clothes start getting tight.
    There should be an anti-scale movement, complete with theme song. Tyrants they are! 😉

  40. I have the same scale but the Weight Watchers version. After it told me a horrible lie this morning we are not on speaking terms.

  41. That scale was clearly spelling ERUDITE, to describe you and is just a really bad speller. Or maybe it was saying E’ERRBODY LOVES BLOGESS. Get a smarter, more erudite scale, Jenny.

  42. A. I wish there were “like” buttons on your comments

    2. DTMFSA. You deserve appliances that treat you like the Dainty Flower Princess that you are.

  43. Fuck the people who named that scale thinner. Some people may already be thinner, and those who aren’t *don’t* need to be reminded of it every time they step on it. Seriously a lose lose name, no pun intended. Their marketing person should be fired for allowing that to go through.

    I think scales should be black, since they are sinister, and then they should have pre-recorded sayings. For instance mine would be Chelsea Handlers voice – if I go down she would be all _ FUCK YEAH BITCH look at you GO! and if I gained, she would be – aww honey, its ok, but seriously get the fuck off your ass and get moving cause some skinny bitch gonna come in an steal your husband if your don’t. See – then it would be uplifting and funny and REAL.

  44. Well the kids have been playing with the scale here so now it weighs in kilograms instead of pounds and I can’t figure out how to fix it!!

  45. Jenny, if you ever get this far down, I’d like you to forward this to your husband:

    Dear Victor,
    You may already be aware of this, but your wife is incredibly awesome and you are incredibly lucky to have found a woman of this caliber. Not only is she witty, quirky and has one hell of a sense of humor, but she has a strength that few people can possibly recognize. I, too, suffer from debilitating depression and know how it can crush a person to the point where nothing seems worthwhile. But Jenny rises above this in a most amazing way and I am envious of her ability to do this. I have no doubt that you are a huge part of that strength she has, but I wanted to let you know that I see you helping in the background. I envy you for that, too.

  46. ALL scales are evil and should be bannished from our lives! (And remember, chocolate stored on top of the frige is calorie free because calories are terrified of heights and jump ship. *grin*)

  47. Having recently said Goodbye to 50#’s, Scales and I are currently on good terms. My life timeline is divided by BW (Before Weightloss) and AW (After Weightloss). I know, I know, I totally stole that idea but hey it works. So here’s a Cathey BW comment;
    Scales? You really want to talk about scales? Alrighty then! Scales play mind games better than husbands, well maybe not better but close. Logic never comes into play so just pretend they are a mini- Victor. This analogy really helps later during Scales Disposal, but that’ s a whole other timeline phase. I have weighed myself on that rare day when I feel so fucking good, I know I’ve lost a # or two. Shit me not, Scales show I am up 3.4! Just to show who’s boss, for 2 days I eat everything that doesn’t eat me first. Then I step on Scales and as God is my witness, I have lost 5.8#’s! Where is the logic in that shit?Just wait, some asshole scales manufacturer will invent Siri- like Scales, only they will be personalized to sound like the other asshole you’d like to hit with a baseball bat. Can you envision Victor Scales, announcing your weight along with a manly comment? Scales=Asshole

  48. I have outwitted my scale by placing duct tape over the read-out (or dial, I have two) and standing on it backwards. Occasionally I weigh myself on two scales at once, one foot on each scale.

  49. I’m pretty sure it’s more like “Err… should I tell her? Is she going to stomp on me if I do?” My scale knows if it says something mean, it’s getting stomped on. (Why won’t it just break?!)

  50. At least your scale isn’t possessed. When our digital scale broke it said everyone who stepped on it weighed 666.

  51. Who cares what you weigh — you have pretty toes! That’s how society is judging people these days — not by how thin you are, but by how adorable your toes are! It’s a movement — pass it on!

  52. Mine said “Lo” which I decided meant my weight was low and not the battery. Clearly I am in denial!!

  53. My scale decided it didn’t like me last week and had me gain almost 7 pounds.

    I’m convinced it was the scale and not the fact that since I was sick, my diet consisted of nothing more than diet soda and ice cream.

  54. Is it weird that I cant even focus on the scale cause Im like look at her one toes nail doesnt sit in the middle of the toe! I would name the shit out of that toe and make it the boss of the other toes even though its not the Daddy toe.

    God I live in such a sad lonely place some times.

  55. It’s a conspiracy…all scales are in cahoots with the junk food and liquor industry and that error message is programmed to come up to freak you out and drive you to the comfort of a bottle of vodka and a family-sized bag of chips

  56. I have one of those “Thinner” scales. It came with my boyfriend when we moved in together. I never would have purchased a scale that screamed “Thinner” up at me every morning. It’s just mean. Horrors and Chagrin to start my day.

  57. Jenny – in all seriousness, as someone in recovery from an eating disorder, I suggest throwing that scale off the nearest tall building – I haven’t done it yet either but I really should too. If you do, I will. xoxo

  58. I like Catt’s suggestion. I’d have the voice of Samuel L Jackson: “I’m tired of these mutha fucking pounds on my mutha fucking scale! Get off your fat ass mutha fucka!!”

  59. Dear Jenny,
    I wonder who the first person was to think to themselves “hey..why wait to go to Doctor Honky’s Office to get weighed…why cant I just weigh myself at home?” That person started a shitload of problems for people. They should be considered close to a Hitler in History. Think about it. Or not. I am bored.

  60. Scales are TOTALLY assholes. That’s why I never ever weigh myself. When I go to the doctor I don’t look, and the nurse can be a total asshole too. Why does she have to loudly tell me how much I weigh? If I wanted to know I’d weigh myself. Asshole.

  61. How to even the scale: I have a second scale which I put my first scale on and then climb on top. I then pay attention only to the bottom scale which documents how much of the total truly belongs to the intermediate scale itself. Bottom line: My middle scale has really let itself go lately!

  62. I think they should all come with an error message. Then we’d all be skinny rock stars. The last scale I considered buying said “not for children or those with heart conditions.” WTF? I dropped that thing and ran.

  63. I think that digital scales are particularly evil. At least the old mechanical scales had a window of ambiguity. You could stand there, sway slightly to the right and lose 5 lbs.

  64. My scale randomly lets me drop 20 pounds once or twice a week. Those are awesome days. Much more awesome than the days that it tells the truth.

  65. Jenny,
    Thank GOD you wrote this in time! I think you can still be saved, if you will follow these steps. I’ve done them for years, and I am fat, but I am not upset all the time.
    * THROW THE SCALE AWAY. If you have contempt for the poor, you give it to Goodwill.
    * You have to see your doctor, and you get weighed then…RIGHT? Defense #1: refuse to get on the scale. Tell the nurse pleasantly to jot down, “patient declined to be weighed”.
    *Now since we are both arthritics, sometimes our doctors will INSIST we be weighed. So in such a case, you tell the nurse you are going to close your eyes when you get on the scale. She should not say the numbers, esp. not if you are in the hall where all can hear, but she should tell you “up” or “down”. They are very obedient.
    You’re welcome, naturally. (And my toes bend in all the same places as yours, so I thought I owed it to you).

  66. My scale is an asshole too…I have to jump up and down on it for awhile to get it to zero out. Today I just stomped on it repeatedly, but that was after it weighed me. F’ing asshole.

  67. Scales are the devil and should immediately be thrown out of the house. 🙂 Except I can’t bring myself to throw out mine. Sigh.

  68. I went through several months of thinking my scale was broken becuase it kept flashing an error messag when I stood on it, and I would have to get on, then off, then on before it would weigh me. (Maybe it was begging for mercy, but I wouldn’t let it off…its only job in the world is to tell me what I weigh, and damb it, it dosn’t get to slack off until I do…cause when I slack I gain weight and then refuse to stand on it. Like a scale vacation.
    Anyway, one day my husband walked in and saw me doing the error message dance and was all “what are you doing?” (in a really judgy tone).
    “We need a new scale.” I said. “This one has an error message. I think it’s broken.”
    “It’s not broken.”
    “Yes it is look.” (me demonstrating that I had to step on it twice) “And where the weight should be, it just has random things.”
    “It says bat.”
    “Right. Broken. It should say numbers.” (I may have also used a judgy tone here, because I object to the idea that a scale can tell you how much you weigh relative to the weight of another animal. Sure it was flattering me and saying I was light as a bat. Probably because it wanted something from me. But I could just imagine the day it started using less flattering animal references like “horse” or “hippo”. No thanks. Numbers or nothing, scale.)
    Or, maybe it needs a new battery…” (again in a judgy tone) “Like the message says.”

    I’m not saying he was right, but a new batter did make the message go away…

  69. Have you ever played on the wii fit before? When I get one that one it has a scale and a tiny picture of me making a sad OH DEAR GOD noise as it gets progressively fatter. Its mildly offensive.

  70. Have you seen the new commercials for Special-K where women have to weigh themselves in Times Square? When they get on the scales it says things like “confidence” or “joy.” I watch that commercial and live in fear that if I got on the scale it would say things like “depression” or “shoot to kill.” Maybe that’s just me.

  71. Jenny, I cannot believe it!!! You have toes that are perfectly proportioned!! The big toes just gently decline downwards in a perfect what-ever to your little piggy. My feet can be seen in very old paintings of Italian saints. Each toe is a different height and the second is bigger than the big toe; on my right foot, the 3rd toe is the same as the 2nd toe and both are bigger than the big toe. I think they have a mind of their own and grow to their own satisfaction. Jenny, I have never told anybody this before and usually ignore those who laugh at my feet. I feel so much better now that I have “come out” and can accept all my toes. Thank you.

  72. I’m on a diet with my wife. If we gain weight we have to put a dollar in the kitty. There’s $10 in there right now…tomorrow is weigh in…I’m thinking $11 tomorrow, lol.

  73. Oh, I’ve had that happen. I thought it was just tongue-tied, and saying errrr until it could figure out how to break the news…

  74. I agree with GreatGothNinja – #TeamVictor. Your conversations wouldn’t be nearly as funny without his side of them. He’s the straight man in your comedy duo.

    My scale is fine. It’s my doctor’s scale that lies. Why is that the weight they put in my permanent record?

  75. I don’t own a scale, but I always sneak onto my friends’ when I’m at their houses. Those damn things never work for me, I miss the old school ones.

  76. I think I have that same damn scale. I knew I didn’t like it for a reason. Thank you for putting it into words, lol. I was convinced that fact I didn’t like what it always says was due to the fact that I bake nearly every day. I’m always on the lookout for people to pawn the baked goods off on……
    Wait that was probably pretty inconsiderate of me of me after your scale incident.
    -Gina-

  77. My home scale still has the sticker with the instructions on it too. What happened to just jumping on and not looking down? Step on, step off, wait for it to say hi, step on, wait for it to say good luck, step off, wait for the zero…in the amount of time it takes to weigh myself, I could’ve just eaten a Dove bar.

  78. …the scale clearly is NOT your friend! It’s about knowin’ ‘whom’ you can trust! And by the way, what’s Victor’s problem?! :/

  79. Mebbe it’s just trying to distract you? As in, “Err…do you really need to be obsessing about your weight?” Or “Err, btw, I can totes see up your dress.”

  80. All scales are dicks, no matter the make and model. If you aren’t fat enough to have chubby toes, there’s no need to fret. Plus there was that whole thing just a bit ago about how those who are overweight live longer than normal weight people, whatever the fuck that is. It made me feel better about myself and my lard. I don’t know why I own a scale. Masochism?

  81. I hate to point this out, but you know the instructions Victor gives you are actually right there on scale. You can see them in the picture, between your feet. But I will agree that one wouldn’t expect a scale to be so difficult to work. I would think you could just step on it and it would tell you how much you weigh. I wouldn’t expect to have to warn the scale first that it is going to be stepped in. It’s a scale, I think it ought to be expecting that.

  82. My wife shouted upstairs, “what was that banging” Me “I tripped”
    Couple of hours later she asked where the scales were (I’d dropped them out the bath room window!)
    Now I don’t worry any more xx

  83. OMG – we have a scale like this at work ( failed attempts for “group” dieting) I seriously thought I broke it too… and no I did not read the instructions :0)

  84. Who names these things? Why are they messing with us? My scale is named “Salter” but I know that really it’s name is IN-Salter cause that’s what happens when I step on my scale

  85. To err is human.

    So exactly what kind of friggen scales do you have?

    BTW, toenail polish makes you lose 3 pounds.

    NASA figured out that.

    Don’t ask about Neil Armstrong.

    Because that “one giant leap for man” thing?

    Done while wearing “Passion Pink” nail polish.

    I looked it up on the internets.

  86. I don’t even keep a scale in the house anymore. They are assholes. If I want to know how fat I am, I’ll look in the mirror. She’s a bitch, but she doesn’t beat around the bush.

  87. For years scales have been a bitch. Mine have been rather nice to me over the past few months so I won’t break them just yet.

  88. Well played, Scale. Now crawl right back to your cave of impending doom and get some work done. ERROR!!! Doesn’t it know we are fragile???

  89. Scales to me are like clocks – they all say something different so you never know which one is right. So irritating. And remember: Do not view the scale as a Life-O-Meter.

    But are those YOUR real naked feet? That makes this post kind of kinky. I think you should add one of those “adult content” warning things to the blog if this is the path we’re taking.

  90. You know what? Scales ARE assholes.
    Mine is more bipolar though.
    And sort of a bully.
    And extremely hostile.
    And…know what? I’ll stick to that “measuring” technique.
    Fuck you, scales.

  91. the real asshole is the maker who named the brand of scale “thinner.” what a douche!

  92. I am actually SQUAWKING with laughter over here! Thank you for brightening a sad day. 🙂

  93. Two things that women don’t need in their lives- scales and womens magazines! They do more harm than good. Oh, and full length mirrors. Banish them!!!

  94. I hate scales!! I think they are a women’s worst enemy. I seem to be addicted to weighing myself though. Its annoying.

  95. I hate when my scale does that!! I swear…dang. I want to come up w something funny, but the little people in my life have stole my brain power today majorly.

  96. I’m pretty sure “ERR” is Yugoslavian for ” you need another doughnut”…fucking foreign scales…

  97. But you have ADORABLE feet. And I love you. Have my whole family reading your blog. You make so much sence to us. I about needed adult diapers to read your book, I laughed so much.

  98. OMG! I have the same stupid mocking scale! Between the scale that says Thinner in what is clearly a sarcastic font and the WiiFit Plus that doesn’t even pretend to consider my feelings, it’s no wonder I’m chubby. So many feelings to eat.

  99. Satan created scales, just like he created pantyhose, miniskirts and stilletos – to keep us women DOWN because we can’t move in them. But I have to admit I love a good pedi, and your feet are PERFECT for a fabulous pedi – the full treatment with massage chair and leg massage. And then you can admire your toesies as they go ANYWHERE but on the EVIL FUCKING SCALE.

  100. That scale is an asshole you shouldn’t have to go through all those steps just to get your weight. Too much work I’ll just guesstimate my weight.

  101. I go see a new doctor tomorrow…what’s the first thing they’re gonna do there? Put me on a scale…SCALES SUCK SHIT! I already know it’s gonna LIE to me!

  102. Mine was an asshole the other morning, when it informed me that somehow despite my pants not fitting, I had lost 25 pounds.

    Apparently you need to change the batteries once in a while.

  103. My scale is totally an asshole. If I don’t put it in EXACTLY the same spot on the floor every time, it can change my weight +/- about 5 lbs. Even if I get on and get off to get my camera and get right back on (I did a weight loss challenge and we had to photograph our scales just to make it more horrifying) I can gain weight. Asshole scale.

  104. we bought a scale that’s kind of like the man at the fair that guesses your weight. sometimes it’s fairly reasonable and sometimes it’s just wayfuckingwrong.

  105. Make sure you don’t move the scale, because then it is another battle. It weights differently if it is even an inch away from the regular spot. Or maybe my floors aren’t level.

  106. I love you Jenny, but there are times I’m totally and completely in Victor’s corner.

  107. How dare it!! ERR and Thinner?? Please…. The scale is evil and should be dropped from your roof while you watch it implode on the driveway below.

  108. That scale is way too snarky. I would never trust anything it said. You could probably shave a good 15 to 20 lbs off the readings because they are surely “spite” pounds the scale is adding.

  109. Uuugh. This pretty much sums up my day. I found out today, after not weighing for a few months due to lack of scale, that I gained back 30 pounds in the last 4 months of the 40 I lost over the previous year. Siiiiiigh. Also (while I’m here), you followed my husband on twitter recently and I was all jealous because he wouldn’t even know who you were if not for me. lol. ? Uh, and also, while I’m here? I’ve never commented before because I have… issues. But you’re sort of my hero. And I figure, since I managed the courage to comment, I’d just tell you that. A few months ago you wrote the most brutally honest thing I’ve ever read about depression and what it does to you. I made my husband read it. I made anyone who’s never misunderstood what I go through read it. Thank you. You found the words I’ve never been able to. Aaaand you’re just my hero. Not just because of that, but so many reasons.

    Mmk. That was heavy for an asshole scale post. Yeaaaah. Yeah.

  110. Mwaahaha! Mine said “Lo” this morning. Maybe it means I’m so skinny I don’t even register?

    Nah, probably not. Well, one can dream.

  111. I’m so convinced that my scale isn’t accurate, I line it up perfectly against the wall and stand on it with one foot. I do it over and over again until I get a number I’m okay with.

    This begs the question…Why aren’t scales illegal?!

  112. The “err…..” was just the scale buying some time so it could think up a good compliment to pay you.
    Like, “my, your vagina is very well groomed today.”

  113. I put on 20 pounds over the last two years after I started working. First, I have no time to exercise. None. Second, work keeps a fully stocked kitchen including any kind of junk food your heart desires. These two factors have spelled disaster.

  114. There is a company named Thinner that manufactures scales? That just seems 7 kinds of evil and wrong. Why don’t they just go all the way and call themselves Thinner Than You.

    Note to part of self in charge of self-esteem: Don’t buy scales made by companies named Thinner.

  115. ‘Thinner’ scales for measuring body weight? They marketed this with a straight face, did they?

    We have a brand of lift (elevator) here called ‘Schindler’s Lifts’.

    Someone’s definitely screwing with us…

  116. One time I stepped on my scale and it said “LOW” so I thought it was telling me I didn’t weigh enough. I ordered a couple pizzas and thawed out a cheesecake. When my husband got home from work and found me in a food coma on the couch, he had the nerve to tell me it meant “low battery.” So not only is my scale an asshole, apparently so is my husband.

  117. 1. When in doubt, the husband is right.
    2. There’s always some doubt.
    3. If you’re sure there’s no doubt, see #2.

    GO TEAM VICTOR.

  118. I took three of those back to the store before I realized that I was too stupid to operate them. And, too fat.

  119. Throw it out. You don’t need a scale, you just need you. Rely on your mind and your body to know how you feel and if you’re healthy. All that other shit is just superficial.

  120. So, you have to tap your scale first to give it a heads-up that it’s about to be standed uponnnn? Odd.

    My toilet proudly boasts it’s brand name “Church”, so when I have parties my guests can state that they’re “headed to Church”.

  121. Effing scale, mine will give me a lowish weight, I step off and then it errors out. So I get on again and it’s higher. Damn it!

  122. Oh my God! Victor actually just taught me how to use my scale properly. Who knew you had to touch the damn thing before you got on it??

  123. Body shaming is soooo last year! How about making a shift to body positive? Our little girls will never break free from the tyranny of hating themselves if we don’t lead the charge! You’re beautiful! You are all beautiful and just right in your own unique and special ways!!

  124. lol! You are pretty hilarious, poor Victor. My nutritionist always told me “don’t measure your weight with a scale, use your clothes instead” so as long as your clothes aren’t feeling a big “snug” you are fine. Now if everything is hanging out of your clothes like a muffin top disaster you may want to start taking care of how you eat.

  125. SO happy to hear that someone else has (unhealthy) conversations with and/or about their scales. Also, what’s with brand naming a scale “thinner”? Why not name it Sylvia (the obviously much heavier than me Swedish scale-woman, who eats doughnuts for breakfast while I am content to sip on 2 fluid ounces of kelp juice and silently judge her for her food choices)? I just think that was bad marketing..

  126. At my work, we use a standard scale to weigh packages to ship. And when the box by itself won’t measure, we use the ‘humiliation’ method of weighing: weigh yourself, weigh yourself with the box, subtract the two. And the first two numbers always make us weep.

  127. Thank you for taking the picture carefully so as not to join the list of celebrity snatch shots that no one needs to see. Not that I’m dissing your snatch, but some things should remain a mystery. Like the Loch Ness monster. And your snatch.

  128. My 4 yr old thought the name of my scale was actually LIAR as in, “Mommy? Can I see how much I weigh on the Liar?”

  129. This is why I don’t own a scale (which is, coincinentally also why I’m really fat). But I don’t have a fucking scale telling me Error. Which is much better.

  130. I will only step on a scale if my daughter is the one to read the numbers. Since she can count reliably only up to 29, it’s always good. Today I weigh 47 pounds.

    My dog, however, weighs 804. Time to put puppy on a diet.

  131. I have a rock solid product idea that someone should steal from me and do something with.
    A scale that heckles you.
    In the autotrader.com voice.
    “Please remove the second person from the scale. Please only weigh one person at a time.”
    “Wow, fatty did you really need that last piece of pizza last night.”
    “Ugh, you don’t want to know”
    Ad more witty sarcastic fat jokes here………

  132. @Trish Funk #252,

    We’ve already got that one covered, with the plaintive and snarky way that our Wii BodyBoard would wail with alarm and pain when we stepped on it. I’m pretty sure our standard and oft-repeated, “OH STFU” burned about a chicken leg worth of calories. Eventually.

  133. My scale is a relative of your scale…the whole family of them are liars and assholes…true story

  134. I have an agreement with the nurse at the doctor’s office. We are on the “honor system” for recording weight. Turns out I’m always down a few lbs from the time before 🙂

  135. If it really was a “Thinner” scale, you would be skin and bones and in danger of starving to death. I don’t know why Victor doesn’t understand that.

  136. I always pictured the “Err” as the scale buying time to politely insult me. Like “Err….excuse me? Could you one of you people please step off me?”

  137. It would definitely be in the trash. Probably broken, because I went all Office Space on its ass. 😉

  138. I’d be way more concerned about my left index toe if I were you. I mean, you can always lose weight, but that toe will probably still be misshapen.

  139. Let me one up you… I also have a digital scale, but it’s made of plastic. I stepped on it one day and the entire thing cracked. That about summed up my weight for me!

  140. But your toes aren’t hairy like your forehead. That’s a plus isn’t it? I mean, I have to shave my fucking toes for that kind of perfection. Wait, I bet you took that picture, then realized you couldn’t show hairy toes and made it “ERR” a second time didn’t you…but this might just be inappropriate and so I will stop now. Just know that you are not alone in the toe hair department, but perhaps more so with the unicorn hair. Just sayin’. Have a nice day.

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