Shit I found on my phone

in Random Crap

This isn’t a real post.  It’s just a bunch of pictures I had on my phone.

Knives, guns and a total lack of awareness of personal space. If statues suddenly come to life we are fucked. #don't blink

 

This is a locked case in the bookstore filled with "erotica". The book on the right? Is an utterly nonsexual history of table tennis. I can't tell if this is a joke or just a new fetish I'm not aware of.

 

This is what a cat looks like in a weave. In case you were wondering.

The more you know…

144 thoughts on “Shit I found on my phone”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. Am I the first comment? Awesome. I work in a library, and we don’t keep our erotica or our ping pong books under lock and key. I guess we’re just sexually freer up here in Canada.

  8. Obviously, someone read the “P” in the last word in the book title in the second picture as a “D.”

  12. Maybe ‘Pong’ is a euphemism? Or something? I am incredibly unhip with the kids these days. Not that it’s any different from when I was a kid myself.

  15. I hear certain strippers can do obscene things with pingpong balls. Perhaps the store owner experienced that during his last visit to the local club?

  17. Random photos are the best. My husband always finds weird things in stores and is all, “Take a picture of this!” Makes for excellent blog fodder, er, subjects when I can’t think of anything to write.

  18. If I wasn’t on Panera’s wifi I would so be googling pong porn. Anything is more interesting than research for a paper on How Colridge and Wordsworth epitomize the Romantic age.

  19. Perhaps someone saw the book and thought “There is no way someone wrote and entire book on the history of table tennis. This must be a fake cover, like that book about Aqua Squirrels. But more whorey.”

  21. Pong porn is a hugely underrepresented subculture. You should read the fan favorite “Fifty Shades of Pong”

  25. I am afraid to go through my phone for pictures, and I certainly could not share them with anyone. Also, what is the “Chester” book. I can only think of Chester the Molester and that scares me… and intrigues me.

  27. If you think about it, table tennis is a lot like sex. Balls flying everywhere (and sometimes hitting you in the face when you least expect it), some paddling, and often there are expletives shouted.

    I get where you’re coming from, bookstore.

  29. That is one confused looking cat! “What happened to my seersucker suit, man? I didn’t order mohair!”

  38. Statue comment made me giggle, I was totally thinking the same thing. You know the one on the right is the one on the lefts annoying little brother or something or maybe two important political figures….I really have no idea

  39. The more you know…the less you fear the uncertain? 😛
    Also chances of you seeing a scary picture and getting scared is reduced? 😀

  41. I’m not nearly as concerned about the misplaced (or not) pong book, as I am about how SMALL the “Big Book of Porn” really is! Utterly disappointed! (and calling the book store to take the hold off of the “Big Book of Porn” and off to search for a BIGGER book of porn! HA!)

  45. Rule 34 of the Internet: If it exists, there is porn of it. Pong porn now exists because it is on the internet. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

  47. I love going throw my phone and finding all the random pictures I tool because I thought something was funny! I think your kitty needs to be groomed 😉

  50. I have a “gift” for being able to open up ANY book to the naughtiest part. I would like to exchange gift for just about anything else.

  52. Do you think the stone guns work? GREAT!
    A whole new Blink nightmare. armed statues.

    Also, that weave is the wrong color for that cat. She need a colorist consultation or she will end up look like she belongs on a Maury explaining why her 3rd son’s penis actually used to belong to an alien.

  53. Pretty sure that if you put your erotica under lock and key the only people buying it are those into S&M and shaming. That might explain the ping pong book, but I’m not sure how. I must not be the target audience…

    Don’t blink might also apply to the cat. They move almost as fast as weeping angels and can do a lot more damage than sending you back in time, especially when made to wear fake hair. Real hair they’re much more tolerant of, go figure.

  55. Thank you so much for “Cat in A Weave” – it turned my day around. Now, if you could just show “Cat Weaving,” which would instill some small hope that possibly one day, far in the future, there could be gainful feline employment.

  57. Your pics are far more interesting than the ones in my phone, that might or might not include hot wheel cars and little 7 yo fingers.

  58. They have a bunch of superhero comics in the Erotica section too? I… I think maybe you ought to have pulled the store’s manager aside for “The Talk,” Jenny.

  60. I was wondering what a cat looked in weave. Thanks for clearing that up.

  61. Yeah, I find pictures like this on my phone from time to time. The other thing I find are pictures of my daughter’s games that she saves on my iPad. I think it’s just part of being a mom; you’re always going to find weird things you can’t explain.

  62. That is almost like my favorite used bookstore. Except they don’t as far as I know, have an erotica section. But they do have a bunch of conveniently miss-stacked books

  63. Maybe the person who put the Pong book in there is remembering Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

  66. I love this idea. I’ll have to empty my phone pictures into my blog about once a month now.

  67. …or maybe they get kinky with their own ping pong paddles, thus making it certainly erotica!

  69. If you had to ask for assistance to get the books of erotica here, I would never have bought that first one, or spent so much time browsing a local bookshop and being amused by the low quality of porn texts. Oh well, prude US, make sure you have to be very sure to buy that porn.

  76. I hope the Pong book is just a conveniently sized censor for a really gratuitous cover on another book.

  78. My question would be if you already had these captions in mind when you took the shots….the captions are definitely what pulls it all together…just love the cat weave…think I need something like that!

  80. I feel so informed. And enlightened. Cat weave is just another way of saying hairy pussy, no? Harrier? And, um, STOP IT FINGERS, WE WILL NOT GOOGLE PONG PORN, PORN WITH PONG, GETTING PONGED ,PONG IT ON UP NOW, PONG ME, PONG WITH A BONG, HE HAS KING KONG PING PONG BALLS WHILST ON THE GUHMENT COMPUTER *sits on hands*

    *gets excited while hands are underbutt, thinking of mmmmmm pong*
    *the guhment probably read this comment*
    *Fuck sequestration, I’ma get fired*
    *Now I’m REALLY gonna get fired*

  83. I have read the chester book. It is quite a ….good read. ahem.

    The history of pong, not so much.

  85. I know you get a bajillion comments but I just wanted to let you know that your website always makes me laugh even on the crappiest day. I have anxiety and depression issues too and you are my heroine for being so brave and funny. Have a great weekend.

  88. I’m pretty sure that if you search the web you will eventually find something involving sex with ping pong balls or whatever, and cats with hair extensions. You know, to make them look more Persian. Or Angora. Or Schapendoesy.

  89. The History of Table Tennis in the Erotica Section is classic! Not to mention that it’s embarrassing enough to be purchasing such a book but then to have to fetch someone to open the glass door of naughty? Too much!

    Amy*

  93. That’s why I live for thrift store shopping! I usually arrange some items in an inappropriate pose and leave it there for someone to take a picture. It’s my random acts of kindness-you’re welcome.

  96. Uh oh… my cat saw the cat with a weave and now he totally wants one too.

  98. There are those videos of ladies shooting ping pong balls out of their vagina’s…..

  99. Woot, I work at a Half Price Books (though not that one). Also, Jenny-for what it’s worth I’ve never seen your book come through our store. A lot of people ask for it but there are usually only a couple available in the entire (now nationwide) company. People just aren’t willing to sell your book!

    And for the love of all that is good, people, PLEASE don’t accuse HPB of ripping you off when you sell to them. Here’s a cover-my-ass statement: I don’t speak for the company nor do my views represent them in any way. But seriously, I guarantee you that when I say that I see that book frequently I mean I literally had three other people sell it back earlier today.

    /rant

    Also, from the Amazon description of the Pong Book: “*Please note: some images contained in this book are of an adult nature.” So yeah, Rule 34 all the way. Sexy, sexy table tennis…

  102. I totally recognize the statues in the top picture. That’s part of a larger piece outside the Alamo. 🙂

  110. Do you think the statues were standed like that when they were carved, or did they just get tired of standing next to each other for years on end and now they fight about everything???
    And maybe PONG is code for something only die-hard Erotica fans know. Things that make you go….WTF?

  112. Since I can’t figure out where on your site to submit this link, and I know you love Tim Minchin, I thought I’d attach this for you here (no, it has nothing to do with your phone pics) – enjoy!

  113. The book on the right might have been placed there by someone with a paddle fetish. Just a guess. And the statues are thin enough to go where fully dimensional statues can’t.

  114. I used to have an awesome book on my desk when I was a graduate teaching assistant in Classical Civilization. It was a giant red coffeetable-sized book entitled THE BOOK OF PAIN. I used it as a paperweight for students’ tests, figuring that no one would dare pick it up. Ah, good times, good times.

  115. Oh, you’re a genius. I have so many photos in my phone that I refuse to erase because someone somewhere will appreciate their hilarity. Now I have something to do with them. You’re a genius of your time and an inspiration! 😉

  116. Random comment: Did you know AMC has a reality show about taxidermy????
    Immortalized

  117. The inclusion of ping pong in the cabinet is less funny than the sign. Erotica you need assistance with? Sounds like a clunkily worded escort ad!

  118. Already starting to worry about my withdrawal symptoms while you are on the road for the Book Tour! Hope you will keep blogging even while you are gone!!

  119. Reminds me of Priscilla Queen of the Desert where the Asian wife demonstrates the muscularity of her vagina by launching ping pong balls into a rowdy crowd with it.

  120. Another seriously scary aspects of statues coming to life is all the headless, armless, demonic, biblical and nothing-but-a-torso-y statues that will run (crawl, jump, fly etc) about… definitely be part of the apocalypse I think. We should all get sledgehammers.

  122. I’m a little concerned about this bookstore’s porn being locked up. Because who the hell wants to ask a salesperson “Excuse me, I’d like to have a closer look at some of your fine pornography…and do you have anything about ear sex fetishes?”

    No thanks. I’ll google that shit in the privacy of my own home where no one can judge me

  124. I once laughed aloud in the bookstore when I noticed that “Erotica” was next to “Self-help”

  128. Hm, am I the only one who thought it was funny that the bookcase says, “Please ask for assistance erotica”? I’m imagining all the erotica books that involve submissives asking to be tied up, virgins asking more experienced people to educate them. The title that leaps to mind is, “Can You Give Me a Hand?” (The “Job” is understood.)

  129. Seriously, that cat needs a lawyer….
    How is it you’re “non-posts” always do better than my official posts?
    I suck….

  130. What I found funny about the erotica shelf is that it tells you to ask for assistance! I guess no one likes to see someone having fun all by themselves!

  131. Nice to see that cat get some blog-time. She used to somehow photo-bomb you regularly, but now it’s all HST all the time, with some bones thrown to Ferris now and again. Note I can’t even remember her name!

  133. Where on earth is that bookstore? Only two of those books could possibly be considered as erotica. Powers and Preacher are possibly for adults, but not all adult fiction is erotica!

  136. Now that’s what we call a zany selection of photos! Most of the time, I find myself randomly downloading photos off Facebook pages that qualify to be called funny (George Takei’s page and 9GAG are some of my favorite) and then leaving them there for weeks at a time, never to look at them again. And your cat with the weave – priceless! Thanks for the laugh!
    Alana

  138. Yo, I have a $150 metal chicken in my front yard because of you. But if you intend to stay my hero, I need some color up on them there walls. You’re too dynamic for “taupe.”

  139. Nice Dr Who reference there 🙂

    When I was at school it was a joke that you sometimes had to write an essay on the sex life of a ping-pong for detention – could be that!

    I think the cat just read mine…

  140. I love it when HPB makes it into funny pictures! 😛 I know why that book table tennis book is in there; someone bought one as a gift for their kid only to find it had people playing it NAKED OMG SCANDALTIMES.

    I hate having the erotica in a locked case. It’s awkward for the customer and it’s awkward for the cashier who has to stand right next to the case while the customer browses.

  141. 1. all the powers books on the left are NOT porn. they are serious crime comics with an occaisional wild sex scene but I’ve got to get that chester book now! thanks for educating your readers! 🙂

    and naked ping pong sounds like it would hurt

  142. Maybe the book is really entitled “Everything You Know is Dong” instead of “Pong” but it’s a typo, so it was given to the book store obviously in need of good erotica materials.
    I can’t see the author’s name, but I’m telling myself it’s Long Duk Dong from “Sixteen Candles.”

  144. THANK YOU! I commented on this earlier talking about how I work at Half Price. I was trying to put some stuff on a shelf in the sports section that was too full yesterday and noticed the same Pong book on the shelf. I proudly took it to my manager and informed her that it needed to go in the art case, showed why, and had room to take care of the stack of books I had. Who knew your blog could be *this* educational??

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It's like I'm stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

MY INSTAGRAM

Remember last week when Hailey graduated from kindergarten?
Last high school dance.
Yesterday I was telling my friends that I have to take Hailey to the Blossom Culp stadium for graduation practice and they looked at me weird bc apparently it’s the “Blossom stadium” and I’ve been saying it wrong for years and I just realized that Blossom Culp was the heroine of Richard Peck book series I loved when I was little and had forgotten existed until now.
When the roles are reversed and your child tells you to go to sleep and then records you for their TikTok.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Coolest American Stories 2023: If you want a book of unputdownable, unpretentious, full-length short stories, we got ya covered. Our 2022 volume went to a 3rd printing; readers are singing this volume’s praises, too.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

Quantum Possum: an inclusive, neurodivergence-affirming graphic novel taking readers on a wacky & frequently sidetracked adventure through Cosmic Bog, helping creatures in need and including everyone in the fun.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: Just read it. Trust me.

%d bloggers like this: