Today I’m in San Francisco doing a book reading and signing. Come see me? Please?
And while I’m gone this week I’m sharing “weird-things-I-took-pictures-of-with-my-phone.”
Today’s picture comes from my doctor’s office and is almost as passive-aggressive as it is awesome.
Also, it totally makes me want to put a sandwich in the shredder. Just for fun. Sorry, Lesha.
PS. Completely unrelated: The last words of Roald Dahl (creator of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) were, “Ow. Fuck.” My guess is that those are lots of people’s last words.
90 thoughts on “This is not an April Fool’s Day joke. Unless it’s one on me.”
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Those will totally be MY last words too…
Those are my first words every morning when my feet hit the floor.
You are being listed in one of my blog posts for #HAPPRIL (I know how effed is that new word, but am going to try and write posts that inspire joy for a month, it’ll probably kill me…anyway) as making me happy, wait that should be millions happy!
I have to admit, I’ve put passive/aggressive notes on office equipment before. In my defence though, short of sending half the office to time out, it’s the only solution I’ve found that works.
I love Dahl!
That is all I have to say.
Because it is ass-early in the morning right now.
Don’t mess with Lesha. Or Texas. Or paper shredders, for that matter. We have rules people.
Someone put a head of lettuce through that, didn’t they? And if they didn’t, they should have.
On last words, I go back to Oglaf.com’s “As last thoughts go, ‘Unicorns ARE real!’ is a pretty cool one,” captioned over a dead man with a little round hole in his forehead…
it kinda makes me wish i worked with lesha…..oh $hit. DO i work with her?
So, you are going to do a book signing at Book People in Austin, RIGGGGGGGGHHHHTTTTT?
Perhaps he used Lesha’s shredder even after reading her note.
I’d say leaving the power cord directly over the shredding hole is just encouraging people to use it incorrectly, Lesha. Tempation, tempation.
Oh…forgot to mention. My admin friend was so excited to test out a new shredder that was meant to be super powerful she was shredding anything she could with glee. CDs, old credit cards or store cards from her wallet, wads of paper…. this machine was unstoppable. Until one larger item got stuck halfway and she couldn’t figure out how to reverse it/clear it. I said to refer to the manual.
Unfortunately the item stuck in the shredder WAS the manual.
Perhaps Lesha is from our old office…
I completely understand that sign. I should only be allowed to use a shredder with adult supervision.
I’ve put passive aggressive notes on the printer, computer, shredder and even the washing machine before!!! Totally relate!
Yeah, that sign makes me want to grab the biggest stack of papers I can put together and try to shove them into the shredder. I am messed up that way. I’m hoping my last words also include, “But at least it was fun!” 🙂
Where I grew up in the south, many a man’s last words are “Hey y’all, watch this!”
Have fun in San Fran, Jenny!
Tell them The Hook sent you and you’ll get a discount on a night’s stay at the honeymoon suite at Alcatraz….
By the way, your doctor’s office sounds like a happenin’ place. Good thing they have access to drugs.
That same note would be a lot funnier if you just re-taped it to a computer tower
Seriously makes me miss working in an office.
Being the person who gets stuck “fixing” all kinds of office related equipment, I can sorta see Lesha’s point. Fools be wrecking that stuff constantly! Anywho, I need her to come to my office, where no-one can seem to understand how to thoroughly flush the toilet. I bet she would straighten that up in a skinny minute!
One of my oldest, dearest friends passed away from cancer more than fifteen years ago. The last thing she said was, “Fuck!” She passed away on Labor Day and her minister, who was with her at the time, said he figured she arrived at Heaven’s gate and found it was closed for the holiday.
Just so long as my last words aren’t “ow, fuck, I shouldn’t have used the shredder after all”
Oh jeez, I think I am Lesha!
Looks like Lesha’s job as designated office shredder is secure…for now…
I get the note on the shredder however it does make me want to use it even more. Then again I am the one that has to fix things in my office and I just wish people wouldn’t touch anything.
I won’t be there tonight (just don’t want to drive in to the City), but I CAN’T wait for tomorrow night! Danville is closer! Well, sorta… in any case it’s closer for a friend of mine, and we are going to meet for dinner at Z Pizza first, and then come to meet you!! I can’t wait, first off, I get to MEET YOU, and second I get my book back from her, she’s had it long enough!!
SEE YOU TOMORROW!!! (Good luck tonight!)
I love comment 19.
Is it possible to plan your last words, like you can plan a dream? I would hate to shuffle off the mortal coil after having said something lame. Like when they put me under to extract my wisdom teeth, my last words before going under were “I have to pee”.
Don’t you worry – we’ll be there! If you haven’t already, head down to Paxton Gate on Valencia. The have freeze dried bats AND assorted penis bones. And other fun stuff, too!
I once caught a coworker trying to put an entire sandwich in the toaster in an attempt to make grilled cheese…
My favorite last words were from Oscar Wilde:
“Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.”
Who thinks of that shit when they’re dying? I can’t even be that funny when I’m healthy.
I wish I can put signs like this one in all machines in my office.
Also it is really funny when people read the signs that something is not working and still try to use it, as if the sign was just there to be funny or something.
I would like to put a sandwich in the shredder also, and then deny it, but continue to clamor about it at the office all day. Hooray for comment 27 – Oscar Wilde has long been my hero. I wish I was in SF – I would totally come see you! And buy your book and stand in line awkwardly until you signed it.
I love passive aggressive notes. Except when they’re directed at me. No, wait. Probably especially when they’re directed at me!
My stapler at my last office had the label “GIVE ME BACK MY STAPLER YOU ASSHOLE” because people kept borrowing it and not returning it. No one touched it again after that.
Love this, another post that made my day. Yes, please mess with Lesha. Sounds like she needs the inspiration for more great notes.
Can’t come see you . . . tried when you were in Dayton and made it as far as the parking lot but couldn’t get out of my car )-: But I was there with you in spirit! Will do the same for your San Fran reading . . . except that instead of being in my car I will be in my house. In Ohio.
I won’t see you tonight, but how’s Thursday? The grandparents are even watching the kids. There’s wine at Barnes & Noble, right? No? Owwww, fuck.
Hey! Who is she to tell me I can’t use the office cheese grater?
holy passive aggressive notes batman. I would have made a tiny paper man and put him halfway through with a speech bubble begging for mercy and for SOMEONE to just turn it on already.
We have one of those in our office, too (the person, not the shredder).
I am sooooo looking forward to seeing you tomorrow night in Danville. I actually work in San Francisco, but the Marina isn’t very close to the Financial District unless you take several forms of public transportation. In the rain. So I’ll see you tomorrow night where I can drive my car to the book store in Danville.
There will be at least three of us coming to see you today, and if you need help scraping barnacles, well, one of us has a wetsuit! If you have time, go see the two-headed snake at the Academy of Sciences! or, if you have a way to get to Berkeley, go to the Bone Room (http://mail.boneroom.com/index.html). You can thank me later.
I don’t think I’ve ever gotten passive aggressive over a shredder. Staples on the other hand will bring out the bitch in me. Line those papers up before you staple them together, and only one staple per bunch please.
I would hate to work in that office. I would be the fritz that would screw up the shredder.
I wonder what kind of pranks she is getting today? I would really have fun setting her up!
I have just said that and pledge to never speak again, just to ensure that they are mine as well.
I bet that “someone” knows who he/she is… lol
See you tonight! What a GREAT birthday present to myself. A visit with YOU!
I have the occasion to post signs in my office and then everyone feels compelled to read them out load to me. What gives on that? I wrote the sign and I posted it! I know what it says. Or are they trying to prove to me that they aren’t the stupid one because they have the ability to read? Although it did make me get more creative with my signs: “Copier out of order until the next full moon when a blood sacrifice will be made.”
My husband wants me to write “I told you I wasn’t feeling well!” on his headstone…
Have fun in San Francisco. Did you find a bear?
I bet those words will be inscribed on my tombstone.
The Wife puts verbal notes like that on a LOT of stuff in the house.
What am I, some kind of idio…… oh, read the directions? Gotcha.
The Cheeky Daddy
When my feet hit the floor in the morning, “Aw f**k.” is what the devil says. Or at least my (misbehaving) kid.
I hope when I die, my last words are along the lines of “see you on the other side!” or “later suckers!”.
I would carve a little Fargo-esque foot out of cardboard and stick it in Lesha’s shredder!
I think a lot of women probably want a note like that on their vajajays. Just say’n
PMSL @ Wendy Roberts!
I would so leave a note like that on something. Pity the kidlets can’t read yet.
I like Steve Jobs’ last words “oh wow! oh wow! oh wow!”
Also, I’m reading Looking for Alaska right now, so I’m pretty much up to my earlobes in Last Words.
My last words will probably be “Should have seen that coming.”
And I thought the most common last words were either “watch this!” or “Oh, shit!”. go figure.
We get passive aggressive emails in our office from a particular person. Who we mock, relentlessly, when she’s not around. “Behave! Or Imma send you an EMAIL about that.”
Joghd gieh prodngade bo, “lgodi angld ahdofel.”
I saw a wonderfully passive-aggressive dedication in a book: “To my dear and sometimes helpful husband.”
Wow- I just wrote a post about being pretty sure those were my father’s last words last night. Freaky!!
wait- I just saw that it was Ow- I’m pretty sure my Dad’s were Oh Fuck, not Ow…but maybe Ow might be even more approporiate.
I’ve wanted to say this for years, which proves what a poor communicator I am. Jenny you are truly crazy, I totally love you, congratulations on everything in your life, don’t our babies grow up fast, and thank you so much for the sweet phone call and voice mail years ago. I’ll keep in touch.
Love Roald Dahl!
I love how my office has a laminated sign in the kitchenette to under no circumstances leave a cafeteria tray in the kitchenette. The sign has currently come off the wall and is buried under a pile of cafteria trays.
O.K. I admit it. The note was for me. I slightly messed up and tried to feed a chunk of mozzarella through the shredder. The recipe called for “shredded mozzarella”, and that was the only appliance I could think of that would do the trick.
I’m sure that note would stop anyone from plugging it in and using it, right? Talk about passive aggressive lol.
I would totally have to put sometime in that damn paper shredder if I saw that note.. You don’t have eyes everywhere Lesha.. LOL
Hope you have a fantastic reading tonight!!
Leesha should have signed the note with her full name — Lady Leesha of the Shredder, daughter of Donatello and April.
I clearly have been watching way too many back episodes of Game of Thrones and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles lately. It’s a dangerous combo.
Those words kind of sum up my life…
Also, that note is totally begging people to fuck with that shredder.
The lid of a tin can–can it shred it?
Famous Last Words:
” I should never have switched from scotch to martinis”
I am coming to Rakestraw Books in Danville, California to see you tomorrow!
I am VERY excited. I got a sitter for the kids and I will most likely get to take a shower and everything – whoo hoo! I even bought a SECOND hard cover copy of your book to bring to the book signing. (You may wonder what happened to the first…)
Anyhooo, can’t wait!
Dang and drat! Traveling on Tues makes me unable to get to your Monday SF reading. Very disappointed, especially as I had hoped to make it to both SF and SJ. Like many others, I’ve been trying to “woman up” and deal with the crowd (and navigating across crazy-street SF, and parking).
I was in Denver airport yesterday and bought a (4th) copy, plus Caitlin Moran’s book BECAUSE IT HAD YOUR RECCOMMENDATION on the cover (and is great!!). Ironically, I thought I was buying Mary Roach’s new book (do I mix up names? Yes!) and now she’s a topic on your twitter stream too.
You’ll know who I am (if I make it to SJ) because I’ll be the one with 4 of your books plus two books by other women for you to sign.
Hope SF and Danville go well.
I want fuck to be one of my last words too…I would prefer there be no ow in front of it though…
Finally picked up the book on Thursday – everywhere I went it was sold out! So now I want to know, when are you coming to Toronto so I can get it signed? You’re at the wrong end of the continent. Have fun scraping barnacles!
From now on, I’m going to leave messages like that around my house.
Gotta love Roald Dahl. “To Die Would Be An Awfully Big Adventure” I’d like to think he just gatewayed into some massively huge adventure and “ow fuck” really means “shit how did I not see this sooner?” !!!
So, IF my 2YO had been able to read, I may have posted a similar note after she fed Graham Crackers to the vcr.
They did fit really nicely and it did look hungry though…
And she is an awesome 22YO Roald Dahl fan today, so all is well that ends well I guess.
Were Roald Dahl’s last words in some way related to the shredder?
I used to have to deal with office equipment, and have been known to have signs all over the office, and even the ladies toilets! You really have to spell something’s out………
Is her name really Lesha? She didn’t capitalize the first letter? Iesha makes more sense. Iesha with an i. Except she has two eyes. But only one i.
I broke my husband’s shredder last weekend. I don’t know if he hasn’t noticed yet or we’re just not discussing it. Sadly I was shredding one of those fake credit cards which I like don’t even think you need to shred but I’m paranoid about identity theft, even of a fake credit card that doesn’t even use my real name.
Is that weird?
In some of my former corporate workplaces, you’d practically need to complete a 25 minute online safety training course before operating a shredder. Complete with diagrams and demonstration videos. Sometimes I feel that Health & Safety legislation has replaced the fostering of common sense in the office.
Damn the red tape.
Love Roald Dahl. But I heard he was kind of a dick so his last words aren’t a surprise.
That note is something I would do. 😉 Those last words are too.
Isn’t there only ONE way to use a shredder? How does someone mess this up? Did they try to take shreds of something and put it through backwards to reunite it?
Yeah, I’d totally put a sandwich in there too.