Rules for life

I’ve made rules that I’m trying to implement in my life.  Want to see them?  Probably not.  But here they are anyway:

RULES FOR LIFE

1. Don’t be shitty.

2. Don’t make happy people sad.

3. Don’t make sad people sadder.

4. If more than two people tell you that you’re being an asshole, consider that maybe you’re being an asshole.

5. Flush the toilet behind you.  You’re grossing us all out.

6. Support the under-dog.

7. Critics aren’t automatically bullies and you’re doing yourself a disservice if you ignore all of them out of hand.  That being said, it sucks to read shitty stuff about yourself so find an honest friend to read your criticism and tell you if it’s something worth listening to or if the critic is just a crazy fucking douche-canoe.

8. Real bullies are complete assholes but they can’t recognize themselves as such so maybe spray paint an “x” on their forehead so that we can all just recognize them from a distance and ignore them.

9. Be stupid.  Be childlike.  Be ridiculous.  Be happy.

10. Don’t use the word “literally” when you really mean “figuratively”.  It literally makes me want to stab you a little but I don’t do it because that’s illegal and also because I have a very limited amount of knives.

11. Read more.  Watch shows that inspire you.  Embrace whatever makes you geek out.  Even if it’s Laura Ingalls.  Because Laura Ingalls is fascinating and there’s nothing wrong with obsessively knowing every detail about her life and death.  Stop judging me.  

12. Bite off more than you can chew.  You can always spit it out on the floor if you decide you don’t like it.  Women do it all the time.

12b. Embrace your flaws and foibles.  If people make fun of you, kick them in the back and then blame it on a ghost.

14. Don’t let other people on the internet tell you what to do.  Unless it’s this list.  Then I guess just use your best judgement.

15. Become a pirate.  Or a monster truck.  Or a space toddler.  Or a jacket.  That’s my favorite one.  I just jump on someone’s back and say “Sorry.  You looked cold.  Zip me up.”  It’s awesome.

16. Do something nice for someone you love.

17. Do something nice for a perfect stranger.

18. Do something nice for you.

19. Do ‘The Robot’.

20.  Add your own.  Go ahead.  You can’t fuck this up any more than I have.

 

741 thoughts on “Rules for life

Read comments below or add one.

  1. “…because that’s illegal and also because I have a very limited amount of knives.”

    I recommend following Standard Stabbing Protocol which calls for maintaining a firm grip on the knife handle in order to facilitate removal of the knife after a successful stabbing thrust so that repeated stabs may be made with the same knife. The final stab should always be followed by the final removal of the knife. Followed by a good washing and rinsing of both the knife and the knife wielder.

    Rule 2x) Believe yourself. And believe in yourself.

  2. Cry when you need to, like when reading lists like this on very bad days and they are exactly what you needed to see. Especially number 18.

  3. Make a “Not to do” list. Put at least 5 tasks on there that you hate doing. Do not do those things.
    When someone asks you to do one of those things, just say “Sorry, I can’t do yhat. It’s on my Not To Do list.

  4. 21) Don’t forget to tell your loved ones how you feel. Perhaps they should know, but it’s nice to hear. It’s also an investment in your future health, you know, in case you need a kidney down the road.

  5. Do not misspell “masturbate” as “masterbate” because that’s taking the U out of masturbation and frankly, it’s all about the U.

  6. Remember, somebody probably loves that asshole. Feel sorry for that somebody. And if nobody does, feel a little sorry for that asshole.

  7. What kind of knives do you need, when you feel stabby?

    Maybe we can pitch in for several sets…. Don’t tell Victor, he’ll worry

  8. If someone offer to help you with something stressful, say “Thank you, that would be great!” There is no shame in asking for help, or in accepting it when someone offers.

  9. Don’t believe everything you read.
    Don’t believe everything you think.
    Breakfast for dinner is always a winner.
    It’s far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without you having to tell them.
    The best way to make yourself feel better about having to wait in a long line is to look at the people behind you.
    Teeth are jewels, not tools.
    What you do every day is more important than what you do once in a while.
    If a car is held together with masking tape and plastic wrap, always let them merge. They obviously have nothing to lose.
    However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

  10. Follow your intuition. It isn’t something kooky-spooky. It’s the sum total of all your experiences and thoughts up to that point, combined into one handy feeling.

  11. Don’t forget to don clean underwear (inside of your pants – unless you’re a superhero).

  12. Mind you, I probably shouldn’t advocate for “Don’t tell Victor, he’ll worry”

    How about “Don’t tell Victor what you just bought on Ebay, he doesn’t need the stress”?

  13. Rule N) Be a thoughtful son or daughter: Make it a point to tell your parents, at least once per week, how important they were in ruining your entire childhood.

    Rule N+1) Don’t forget to wear sunscreen.

  14. I still think Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure gets it right: “Be excellent to each other.”

  15. Share a pint of Ben & Jerry’s with a toddler. Less calories for you!

  16. Don’t let other people steal your thunder. Rawr at them if they try. And then yell “I will go Zeus on your ass if you keep trying to steal my thunder and lightning!”

  17. We are not allowed to face the toilet when flushing? I did not know that. Thanks for the heads up.

  18. Give yourself permission. Unless it’s permission to kick a cat. Don’t do that.

  19. My rule for life: Admit when you fucked up. Or that you’re entirely fucked up. Either way. 🙂

  20. If you know something today, you know it. It’s okay to share that without hedging that you just learned it and maybe everyone else already knows it. Don’t downplay your knowledge and abilities. It puts you at a disadvantage in dealing with the assholes.

  21. I was Laura Ingalls for Halloween when I was in 3rd grade, every damn house kept saying Oh Look Holly Hobby. I am still scarred. Anyone who is anyone knows the damn difference between those two. Not even a contest.

  22. Don’t be afraid to tell people to F_#$ off if they don’t like you 🙂

  23. Give yourself permission to be a kid once in a while. Color, play on a playground, wear a tutu for no apparent reason, cry unapologetically. It will make being an adult slightly more bearable

  24. Be okay with eliminating shitty people from your life but, it’s probably better to do so by no longer taking phone calls – woodchippers are probably expensive to rent. : )

  25. If your mama didn’t raise you right – get educated! It ain’t that hard!

  26. It’s often okay to be pants sometimes. Grab onto someone’s leg and let them carry you around like you did when you were five.

  27. Pick something that you don’t like about yourself. If you can change it, do. If you can’t, embrace it.

  28. I feel like you wrote #11 just for me. Did you? Because I too am Laura Ingalls Wilder aficionado and I’m not going to hide it any more. In the 3rd grade I got into it with the school librarian when I found they put the Little House books in the Fiction section. You’ve inspired me to retake up my cause to get them moved to non-fiction. Will you sign on as the campaign’s celebrity spokesperson?

    (Have you read The Wilder Life by Wendy McClure? It’s totally our kind of book. ~ Jenny)

  29. Get on the bandwagon already and watch Doctor Who. You’re going to like it and then all of the jokes on line will make sense and be hysterical. There fore watching Doctor Who will bring laughter into your life. Just do it.

  30. Be confident in being different. Normal people are boring.

  31. Just have to post… it’s my b’day dammit! Thanks for posting something today 🙂 I have a headache and I’m at work. Not the best birthday ever. People suck. But you’re nice.

    (Happy birthday! One of the people that won my book last week emailed back that she already had a copy so I should pass it on to someone else. Want it for your birthday? Just email me at jenny@thebloggess.com if you want it. ~ Jenny)

  32. Don’t put off things til “x” happens. Do it, try it, BE IT NOW!!!

  33. Can I just say that I LOVE being a pirate! I use to just randomly dress up as a pirate sometimes. Then my less-adventurous “friends” started to say I was weird, so I stopped.

    But you know what, pirates are AWESOME and I think if I walked around a city dressed as a pirate, it would bring joy to a lot of people, which fulfills two of your list items. So yeah. Pirate on!

  34. If your 14 year old asks you to make blue waffles, for Baby Jesus’ sake, do not Google the recipe.

  35. Love and then love some more. I know…so trite. But, it works for me and some REALLY good ones were already taken.

    OH, and treat teenagers like adults with zero common sense, it makes raising them that much easier.

  36. My 5 year old recently made a list of our house rules. He added “get a pet sheep”. When I asked about that one, he mumbled quietly that we could just ‘x’ that one out, but I said let’s keep it. I think having something soft to snuggle when needed is not a bad rule

  37. Sometimes it’s more important to forgive than to be right. Sometimes, someone just really needs a good old-fashioned beat down.

  38. Carry this list taped to a can of spray paint so that when the bully-asshole whose forehead you just sprayed an ‘x’ on tries to retaliate you can point to #8 and say, “The Bloggess told me to.” Then run away. Run very, very fast.

  39. I’d add a corollary to #14:

    14. Don’t let other people on the internet tell you what to do. Unless it’s this list. Then I guess just use your best judgement.

    14a: Let people in the Internet tell you what to do if you already wanted to do that thing.

    I’d also add:

    Never let people tell you “I told you so” if you try something that they say won’t work and it doesn’t. Experimenting is part of life. If they say “I told you so”, respond “Yes, you did, but wisdom doesn’t come from blindly accepting what people tell you won’t work. I’m now wiser for my attempt.”

  40. I have another thing for your list:

    Don’t be afraid of doing stuff by yourself. It makes you a richer person (not literally, haha) AND you’d be surprised how many people think it is really badass, rather than strange.

  41. I was in a really crappy mood, until I read the words “douche-canoe”. That made me laugh. I needed a laugh. Thank you for that. As usual.

  42. Giving yourself a WHOO FUCKING HOO occasionally, but especially on those mornings when the espresso just doesn’t seem like quite enough, can be a good idea because sometimes you’re the only one who is going to do it and, well, we all need a WHOO FUCKING HOO. We just do.

  43. Forgot to post my rule.. take off work on your birthday, cause you totally deserve it!

  44. I love this list but where is 13?

    (I’m afraid of that number so I always skip it when I can. I realize this is insane. ~ Jenny)

  45. My mother gave me a list of rules to live by. My favorite was the last one:

    10. Don’s sit on your face, don’t drink with your finger and don’t talk in that funny little voice. Don’t spit into the wind. Don’t mess around with the old Lone Ranger and don’t mess around with Jim.

  46. Laugh. Loud and often. But maybe not when everyone else is crying or angry. Maybe do it quietly then.

  47. “Always” and “never” are rarely a good idea in an argument.

  48. This was exactly what I needed today. Also, I am finding that I need to keep telling myself that how many times you fall doesn’t matter as much as how many times you get back up. I got laid off (AGAIN) yesterday after a whopping three weeks on the job (budget stuff…again). I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been told that I am extremely talented and a “valuable asset” right before they tell me that they can’t afford to keep me on anymore. And I’ve decided that I am only going to count the first part of the statement and discard the rest because that’s what allows me to keep getting back up.

    From your list, I am fully embracing #12. I’ll let you know how it works out for me.

  49. Don’t judge people for flying their freak flag all out and about. We all have one so we might as well enjoy it! Quite hiding your true self to suit other people’s narrow-minded ideals.

  50. A while back I decided that trying to be the best person I could possibly be was setting myself up for disappointment. My new life goal is “don’t be an asshole.” (I could use Wil Wheaton’s mantra, but not HAVING a dick, I feel it’s very difficult to BE one.)

  51. Eat things that will make you fat because they will also make you happy.
    Cuddle a sleeping baby whenever you have a chance. It’s the best and cheapest therapy ever.

  52. If you wouldn’t say it to the person’s face, don’t say it on the internet. Anonymity is not freedom to be a spiteful asshole.

  53. The most important rule: write words on bananas every chance you get.
    Oh, and learn to properly spell profanities, because nobody wants misspelled fruit.

  54. hang the toilet paper going the right way. you know which way i mean….so the free edge comes over the top nicely and hangs down, just waiting to be grabbed. don’t be an asshole and hang it the other way.

  55. don’t ever be afraid to follow your dreams. Even if you keep stumbling along the way, ESPECIALLY if you keep stumbling along the way. It will just make you appreciate it more when you get there.
    And don’t listen to people who tell you you’ll never make it happen.

  56. I LOVE LAURA INGALLS! Had no idea you were into her also; how’d I miss that? and Alyson– I had the EXACT. SAME. EXPERIENCE. Except I was in sixth grade instead of third. <3

  57. I’d like to add what Wil says: Get Excited & Make Things. It doesn’t matter what it is. Have an idea for a silly t-shirt? Do it. Wanna see what that wall would look like with pink & purple stripes? Go for it. Want a TARDIS lamp shade but can’t afford one? Make it yourself. You’ll love it more and you have no idea how much creativity you have in you until you start to unleash it.

  58. About assholes…kill them with kindness. You’ll feel extra good about yourself by doing it in a nice way, and the world will have one less asshole to deal with since they’ll be dead and all.

  59. Three things I tell my kids…

    1. Ask yourself if I would be proud of you before you do something that may be questionable. If the answer is no…don’t do it.

    2. Don’t be an asshole.

    3. ALWAYS be a unicorn 😉

  60. On the knife thing, be green, recycle and use them over and over.

    On the bully thing, HELL YES!! I’m so sick of bullies. They just grow up to bigger bullies, and assholes.

  61. I have to say that #4 is so very relevant to my life today.

    Not because I’M the asshole. OBVIOUSLY. But someone I know has this issue sometimes and refuses to acknowledge it.

    I will add:

    21) Put some cheesy ass music on the jukebox and just start a ridiculous dance party like it’s your job.

  62. – Be compassionate to yourself.
    – Water your plants. They can’t water themselves.
    – Buy anything that is metal and chicken-related.
    – Be nice to your partner. Even when you want they make you want to bite them.

    And for me, this may be the hardest:
    – Do things that scare you. So long as it won’t actually kill or harm you in any way. Or anyone else. Unless you don’t like them. Then delete this post first so the cops don’t catch on that it was actually all intentional. I think I’ve said too much.

  63. Also– love this Jenny, thank you, and you are awesome, and no douche-canoe can touch you! <3

  64. Whatever you do, own it. If you screw up, admit it and help fix the problem. If you do something awesome, own that, too. Don’t wave it off with a dismissive “it was nothing.”

  65. If you are in pain find a way to get better. Really. It’s ok to grit your teeth and take it for a while, but you are not meant to make being in pain a habit. GET THE HELP YOU NEED.

  66. “Don’t put that in your mouth, you don’t know where it has been.”

    That is valid for fingers, toys, unwashed produce and men.

  67. Imagine yourself farting when you are at the office. It will make you laugh in an equally explosive manner and people will think you’re insane. Then, when you DO finally fart in the office, people will expect it.

  68. lol Love the rules! Here’s myne
    “Get dressed up and put on some makeup… get beautiful for you and only you! Beautiful on the outside = Confidence and that goes a loooonnng way!”

  69. 2x) The best way to get a hug is to give a hug. Unless you’re trying to give a hug to a stranger. That’s the best way to get arrested.

    2x+1) Find your tribe.

  70. Also wanted to add a comment about bullies. I grew up bullied a ton from elementary school through to high school. It got so bad that I became paranoid and thought that anyone laughing MUST be laughing at me. Once I got to college, and got some mental distance from the bullies, I realized that I don’t care what 99.999+% of people think. If someone tells me I look stupid for wearing X or that I’m dumb for liking Y, guess what? I DON’T CARE!

    The number of people whose opinion I care about varies depending on the subject but it is always kept to a minimum. However, at the same time, I’ll readily accept compliments. So if a blogger were to tell me that my recent post stinks, I’d shrug it off. If, instead, they said it was amazing, I’d feel great. (If Jenny were to say that it was great, I might embarrass myself by shouting out “THE BLOGGESS READ MY BLOG!” but it’d be worth it. 😉 )

    To distill this down to a short Rule For Life:

    – Ignore bad comments by all but a select group whose opinions you trust. Accept good comments from anyone. Good comments from people you trust get a comment multiplier applied to them.

  71. You should also buy more shoes, the world would be a better place if we all had more fun shoes on! Or maybe you could try to become a shoe, but I think a jacket is safer……

  72. Keep phones out of the bedroom. Exceptions include if someone like your sister is having a baby or if someone in is the hospital & you can’t be there.

    Tell people you love that you love them before you hang up or leave. It could be the last time you see/ hear them. You really never know (trust me, I know)

    Take a nap. Slacking is underrated. No feeling guilty about it either.

  73. Go to the beach and pretend you are a dolphin. If anyone makes fun of you, call them a shark. They might look at you strangely, but you’ll know that, in your mind, that you are a dolphin, and dolphins are so cool, and can punch the shit out of sharks. But you won’t punch them, because you are just that cool.

  74. When you’re feeling blue….FREAKING DO THE TIME WARP!!! If you are at work (much like myself right now) then do the “portable Time Warp” using only your hands. Its almost as effective, though I will admit, doing the actual Time Warp while at work has the added benefit of making people wary of you, which in turn keeps them away from your desk, which means LESS WORK!!! WIN FOR ALL!!

  75. Spend time with those you like and love, avoid the ones you don’t, and don’t wait. Don’t say “next year” or “when i lose 50 pounds”. just do it now.

  76. Shelley,

    It’s also the best way to get dirty glances (or worse) from your spouse when you hug someone else for no apparent reason. 😉

  77. Rule 1 Part B
    Don’t shoot (or stab) the messenger. As much as you don’t like getting bad news, having to deliver it to multiple people isn’t much more fun. Especially when those people take it out on said messenger, just because they’re there.

  78. Be kind, rewind.

    Breathe.

    If you get the first one you might be old like me. You get to be old by doing the second one pretty regularly.

  79. Use your words when possible. Fighting, which often leads to shooting these days, is not the way to end an argument. (Just had this convo with my brother earlier).

    Also, tell the people you love that you do. You can never say it too much.

  80. Thank you I think we all need something like this on a regular basis, excuses to be happy and a nice person.

    One I always try and live by: Avoid being childish but embrace being childlike
    And our geek code: If it’s worth loving, it’s worth knowing absolutely everything about.
    And finally: If your 5 year old self would say you’re being mean, it’s time to take a time out and apologize

  81. Instead of reading “so and so recently posted”…
    I swore I read “so and so was recently stabbed.”

    I thought, wow Jenny, you work fast!

  82. Get on the bandwagon and watch Doctor Who. You won’t regret it. Plus all of the internet jokes will finally make sense and laughter will return to your life.

  83. Don’t discuss religion because we are all just human. And we know nothing for sure. And there is a big difference between drinking the kool aid and making the kool aid.

  84. Try not to judge the people you love. It makes it really hard to love them.

  85. Let go or be dragged (I read that this was said by Buddha himself so it seems even more weighty). Also, I think Alyson and I are spirit cousins. I went as Harriet Beecher Stowe for Halloween in fifth grade and everyone thought I was a pioneer woman. Heathens.

  86. Be kind.
    Wear the red shoes.
    Chances are, people are thinking far less about you than you think they are.
    And my favorite, from the incomparable Maggie Mason: “If you’re worried about someone who dislikes you, first ask yourself whether they’re an asshole. If you don’t like them, and they don’t like you, that’s not a problem. That’s a mutual understanding.”

  87. There’s a T-shirt that says “Misuse of the word literally makes me figuratively insane” I asked for it for Christmas but my family refuses to support proper use of the English language. They might be Russian spies.

  88. Make time for yourself. Don’t just pencil yourself in, use a Sharpie, one of those great big ones that make it look like you’re writing in calligraphy even if you can’t even spell it. Take yourself out for dinner, a movie, whatever, and don’t pressure yourself for sex when you get home even if you spent a lot of money on yourself. Do it just because you love you and want to get to know you better, not because you want to get laid.

  89. Sing songs you learned in second grade. I recommend “Never Smile at a Crocodile.” It makes everyone happy… although they may act as if you’re annoying them but you’re really not so keep singing.

  90. Don’t be afraid to stop being “friends” with someone who isn’t really your friend. It’s better to have 2 really wonderful people in your life than to have 10 that semi-suck.

  91. When you feel a big fart gurgling, go ahead and let it rip. You can always blame it on the dog.

  92. @Sara,

    On the negative side to watching Doctor Who, statues are suddenly frightening.

    On the positive side, playing Red Light, Green Light with my kids is much more awesome when the person saying Red Light/Green Light is The Doctor and the people approaching are Weeping Angels.

  93. You can’t hold a funeral for someone who is still alive. Enjoy the time you have and plan the funeral when they’re actually gone.

  94. This is all spot-on, especially #15.
    I suppose I would add, “It’s never okay to punch your boss even if you really want to”, “if you ever encounter a giant button that says ‘don’t push’, be sure to push it because otherwise you may never know what the button is for and it will plague you forever”, and “never hug a polar bear even if they look like they could use a hug because polar bears are dicks”.

  95. Don’t do anything that you can never tell your child about – even when they are adults.

    Call or visit your elderly parents as often as you can.

    Rid your life of the people & things that do nothing but make you miserable.

  96. Always keep a few people in your life who challenge you to be a better version of yourself.

  97. Be a superhero. Wear your underwear on the outside and go fight crime or traffic tickets. Same difference.

  98. Life is short. So…
    If you love someone, tell them. (If you hate someone, hell, I don’t know…I’m not here to judge.
    Eat dessert first.
    Stop talking about “guilty pleasures”. Laura Ingalls Wilder, Hall & Oates, reality TV…f*&k it, haters gonna hate.

  99. Just thought of another – NEVER ask a woman if she’s pregnant or when she is due. N – E – V- E – R!

  100. I’m probably not helping at all by saying this, but about number 10, stabby knives can be reused, it’s the throwing ones that never come back to you.

  101. Take a break sometime. It’s better than burning out and never coming back.

  102. This is maybe my favorite blog of yours ever. (It’s a close call, though.) Also the comments. Love love love. Yay love.

    Laura Ingalls Wilder books are the best! And of course they should be in the nonfiction section.

    Sometimes bullies grow up to regret what they’ve done. Sometimes people really DO change. Not always. Not even usually. But enough so that we shouldn’t totally give up hope.

    That’s all I’ve got today.

  103. I have trouble with this one but I’m workin on it
    – learn to accept compliments (even if the little voices in your head say you don’t deserve them and that you really suck. That little voice is literally a douch-canoe and deserves to be stabbed a little)

  104. Pay attention to everything your child does and let him/her know how awesome they are and that they are loved.

    Appreciate your parents because one day they won’t be there and you don’t want to have any regrets.

    Sing and dance along to your favorite songs, loudly and with gusto! I do this in the car and people look at me and wish they were doing the same thing!

  105. Put your head on your knees, squeeze your eyes shut, grit your teeth, clench your fists – then explode outward in joyous gratitude!

  106. @Drew: When people tell you to not look at something (or google something), trust them and don’t look it up! Sometimes, curiosity isn’t worth it. 🙂 So i will remain ignorant about blue waffles. Only wish I had remained ignorant on the human caterpillar. (And follow this rule if you don’t know what that is – remain ignorant for your own well being!)

  107. I strongly dislike #6. The underdog is not automatically right; sometimes they’re the ones who pick the fight on purpose, knowing that as underdogs they’ll gain sympathy.

  108. Say I’m sorry. Sometimes, even when it’s not your fault, it gets the other person to take another look at the situation.

  109. Let the Wookiee win. And make sure you spell Wookiee correctly. I think they rip arms out if you miss the extra E.

  110. Let your freak flag fly and fly it proudly. You are the only you there is and will be. Today have kids that are like you, but they are only part of you. Tell this to your kids and love.them even if they are fat. Ok the last part is about my father and I but it is true.

  111. So, I want to make her my life coach…or I guess, go to some booksigning with her followed by kidnapping her and taking her to a bar until she gets super smashed so she can tell me how awful I am to my face until I cry, and then, she cries and holds me in her arms and rocks me until I fall asleep, where she will then kiss me on the forehead and tuck me into bed.

  112. USE the good china
    also the nice purse, the good shoes, and all that. if you are not going to use them, sell them and buy something you will use.

    if you do need to literally stab someone, remember that Hog farms will get rid of the evidence.

  113. – Give yourself a break once in a while. You can only do so much. So when people make you feel bad about yourself, don’t let them tear you down. Walk away

    -Stop comparing yourself to the Joneses. They probably aren’t happy all the time either. You don’t need to be perfect or have everything. Just try to be you.

    -Don’t think everyone hates you when you’re in a bad mood. You’re just in a bad mood. It will pass.

    -If you want to sit & watch a whole season of Gossip Girl because it makes you happy, then do it.

    – Laugh. A LOT. Watch a lot of comedies, read funny books.

    -Drink a lot of wine. But not for breakfast, no one wants you drunk at carpool.

    (can you tell I’ve been in a depressed mood? I’m trying to come up with my own ways to silence all the anger & negativity that’s been emanating around & from me lately).

  114. Think for yourself, even if it’s hard to be alone amongst the sheep.

    *This was a great post. I literally laughed out loud, not figuratively. 🙂

  115. My mom’s favorite rule for like is: Never eat lunch where they sell bait.

  116. 12b. Embrace your flaws and foibles. If people make fun of you, kick them in the back and then blame it on a ghost.

    The best!

  117. Keep commenting on The Bloggess site even though she completely did you wrong by not sending you a book.

  118. Remember that its always a good day if the mirror fogs up when you breathe on it.

  119. Be kind. Be considerate.

    Unless you’ve reached your limit. The be a scary bitch so everyone will leave you alone.

  120. I just printed this out to hang in my office. Seriously considering moving it to replace the name plate outside my door.

  121. Be vulnerable every once and awhile. Let down your guard. Even if an arrow flies through that opening the moment you do, you’ll recover from it. Take a chance that instead of arrows piercing your insides, it’ll be love and compassion healing your broken bones. Be. Vulnerable.

  122. when you apologize, say you’re sorry. Really mean it, and make eye contact.

  123. Don’t feel bad if your kids are hungry, its’ time they learn to cook for themselves anyways.

  124. I love the x on the forehead idea! Very cutting edge and would help others avoid the Assholes! Brilliant!

  125. Use the word “foibles” more often. It’s highly underutilized!

    I am also obsessed with Laura Ingalls. I ALMOST had the chance to see where she lived in SD. I’ve been very annoyed I didn’t get to ever since! I would love to climb in your brain for a few minutes since you probably know much more about her life than I do at this point.

  126. When wearing shoes and socks, they don’t HAVE to go on in that order.
    Peanut butter side down, or the jelly will soak through.
    “Don’t be a dick.” Wheaton’s Law.
    “The principle that at a constant temperature the volume of a confined ideal gas varies inversely with its pressure” Boyle’s law
    “Shredded cabbage, shredded carrots and dressing” Cole’s Law

  127. I recently had a discussion with one of my best friends, regarding how to be yourself in a world trying to make you someone else. Her response was full of true, serious stuff, somewhat boring but still good advice, and she ended with “and if other people don’t like it then chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on”

    I want “chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on” cross stitched onto a pillow. Or stenciled on the back of my hitting-people frying pan. Either way.

  128. This is something that popped into my head the other day and I can’t let it go. Ready?

    Everyone comes into your life for a reason. If there’s a person in your life that you CAN’T STAND, learn the lesson you are supposed to learn from them and MOVE ON. Drop ’em like a hot potato. Burn rubber.

    I’ve been trying to implement this in my own life!

  129. It’s easier to eat crow warm. If you owe and apology, pay it. You’ll feel better having it behind you, as will others. It’s empowering and NOT a sign of weakness.

  130. My dad always told me it’s more important to love what you do for a living than to have a job you hate where you make a lot of money.

  131. “5. Flush the toilet behind you. You’re grossing us all out.”

    I do!…but sometimes it hasn’t gone and I haven’t noticed 🙁

    (then boyfriend gets cross…)

  132. Go with your gut. If something feels off, there’s a good chance something’s wrong.

    Read whatever you want. Don’t let people tell you YA books are for kids, etc.

    Write stuff down. Granted I get some of my best ideas in the shower so it’s hard to write down. But I’ve got post it notes everywhere of things to do, not do, organize, or just random ideas.

    Smile. Just smile.

  133. Always leave the dance with the guy you came with … unless he’s a psychopath or has bad halitosis or picks his teeth or wears a necklace with ears threaded on it … you get the idea.
    Never be afraid to swear. If the occasion calls for blue-tinged language, use it. It makes you feel good to release that pent up stress and anger through words while scaring away uptight wads. Two gifts in one!
    When your favourite song comes on, sing along at the top of your lungs. Even if you don’t know the words and are standing in the middle of a shopping centre or in a crowded elevator. You might just start a sing-a-long and meet some other twisted, bizarre people.

  134. Try to commit some senseless acts of beauty along with the ones of random kindness. It’s harder to do those than it looks.

    My sister-in-law has three rules for her kids when they go anywhere on their own:

    1. Be safe.
    2. Make good decisions.
    3. Keep track of your shit.

  135. Your childlike enthusiasm for being a jacket or whatever makes me happy enough to cry. I wish there were more people like you to remind us that we can be ourselves and whatever we are is okay.

  136. 20) Knit small sweaters for taxidermy animals. Silly, frivolous and guaranteed to bring a smile to an awesome woman’s face. ^_^

  137. I’d put as #A be awesome and alive – as I was suicidal and was almost very selfish and stupid this past weekend. I am getting my help but I want to say to y’all: BE AWESOME AND ALIVE!!

    I apologize for the screaming but for “Gods sake Live”? My new motto

  138. Find someone that needs you, like someone in a nursing home with ALS, or someone with a child that is in need of a heart transplant (those are my two, find your own). Then when you feel the world doesn’t need you anymore, or it’s been a horrible day and you hate yourself, mail that person a postcard, or some coloring books or a gift card to Arby’s ….whatever. Because then you will have done one good thing that day, and you can think about how happy that person will be to get mail. And you will feel you did one good thing that day, so maybe you had better stick around because maybe no one else will remember to mail that postcard, or coloring book or gift card. It’s their gift to ME. If I’ve had a great week, I still send something, but once a week, at least, I know I’ve done something for someone else. Find someone, or someone’s, one thing and you can say “See, you aren’t so bad.”

    Also don’t always read the comments on blog posts, and “don’t be a dick”

    http://yankeeskeptic.com/2013/05/06/dont-be-a-dick-unless-your-name-is-william-or-why-i-often-dont-read-the-comments/

  139. “Don’t nitpick” and “Don’t obsessively correct everyone else’s grammar” are not on your list, so I’d like to point out that #10 should read “limited number of knives” or, perhaps, “limited amount of cutlery.”

  140. Rule #mumblecough : Saddle your own horse. This isn’t just about equine sports, folks. Make sure you’re doing everything you can for yourself, because then you know you *can* do it which is awesome.

    Rule #mumblecough+1 : If you get bucked off, dust yourself off and get back on. Mistakes, oopses, slipups, and bad rides are a part of life. Getting back on tells the world (and gravity) that it can’t beat you for long.

  141. eat chocolate. daily. period. it fixes everything, even the stuff that ain’t broke!

  142. #28 dont just watch on the sidelines ACT. If you see someone burying a body, help them dont watch them thats how friends are made

  143. Give yourself permission to like what you like regardless of what others think of it…and give that permission to others.

  144. This was a posted letter from a mom to her kids on what she wants for Mother’s day and it is the best list I have ever seen, well until I read YOUR!! 🙂 It is actually much longer but I didn’t want to take up too much space so I just picked a few of the best -find the whole letter on FB, everyone is sharing it LOL

    I want you to be a decent human being.
    I want you to be who you are, but don’t be an asshole.
    I want you to ask for help when you need it.
    I want you to help others when they need it.
    When you screw up, and you will, more than once, I want you to own it, because it’s the screw-ups that make the victories sweeter.
    I want you to play nicely with others.
    I want you to feed your curiosity.
    I want you to respect every human being’s right to be who they are.
    I want you to sometimes be more interested in someone else than in yourself.
    I want you to know that you are flawed and you are extraordinary. There is no one else like you.
    I want you to know love, even if it means getting hurt.
    I want you to know life can be brutally hard sometimes.
    I want you to know that you can choose happiness even when the dark side offers you cookies.

  145. My favorite is to dance like no one’s watching. I do that often, everywhere.
    Pick up the shit your dog makes. They don’t know how to use a toilet and it’s gross.
    If you feel like staying in bed all day watching movies and tv series, then do it.
    Be with the man or woman that makes you swoon when you think about them, especially if it’s been longer than 8 months.
    Masturbate. Frequently.
    Lastly, don’t leave the wash in the machine over night. Mildew smells really bad.

  146. Rule 21.2) Don’t always be so dead set on wearing pants…I hate those things

    Rule alpha) Stop holding a grudge against Canada…They can’t even remember what you were so mad about in the first place

  147. Don’t compare yourself to others, or you’ll never be happy! I think it was Einstein (don’t wrote me, and I am too busy to check lol) that said something like “everyone is a genius. if you judge a fish by its ability to fly it will spend its whole life believing it is stupid.”

    Also my personal rules to help me with my anxiety: if there is something I can do about it, then do it, and if not (try to) let it go. And sometimes it’s okay to just avoid situations that you know will cause you anxiety.

  148. I wish I could like comments because man you guys are great! And Imperfect Jessica – Yes For God’s sake LIVE! Glad you choose life!!!!

  149. The word douche-canoe makes me admire you even more. Thank you for this post.

  150. Don’t read all of the Bloggess’s comments because you will be a year older when you are done.

    Don’t lose hope that you can teach your dog to talk. Because you KNOW he can.

    Don’t freak out if a woman in rollers jumps on your back and asks you to zip her up, she just thinks you’re cold.

  151. “If you can’t fuck it, and it doesn’t dance, eat it or throw it away.” ? Pat Cadigan

  152. If you are going to pee into the wind, at least call it air-drying. That way you look cool and hip, instead of just silly and wet.

  153. Pick something you’re afraid of and conquer it. Enlist friends to help you. Repeat once a year.

  154. Glad to hear there are others who love Laura Ingalls! Back in 6th grade i made my family stop at the Laura Ingalls-Wilder museum in South Dakota on a road trip.. I thought it was the most amazing thing ever.. Everyone i’ve ever told about the stop has told me i’m very, very odd and wonders why that would be any fun/interesting. Losers.

  155. I want to send you a Lowe’s gift card to cover the spray paint for #8.

    my rule (it’s taken me about 40 yrs to learn this one) “do something for yourself. do it often. do it before you do things for other people.”

  156. Say no when you need to. Really, it’s ok.
    Sing. Loudly. Bonus points if you can’t actually sing.

  157. These are all really true but seriously the toilet flushing one. Honestly why is that rocket science.

  158. This is a GREAT list – especially needed #8 for my boss. Only thing I would would be the words from Dave Grohl – “Go and suck” (which means just go and try something)

    Thank you!

  159. Find other people that love Laura Ingalls as much as you do, so you can all geek out over her together.
    Jill, you have been talking to losers, cause if you told me that story I would be so excited about it.

  160. If you feel like you need to scream at a loved one, give them a hug and a kiss first. If you still feel like screaming at them, they probably deserve it (except babies – babies never deserve it).

  161. You’re the best! Like not the best at everything, no offense, but the best at making me smile with a blog. And so much of what you say just hits home. Thanks

  162. Nap. Naps rock.

    Listen to Great Big Sea very loudly.

    Snuggle with the kitties.

    Let the gas go. It’s not healthy to keep it in.

    Great post, kitten.

  163. If you don’t want to grow up, don’t grow up. Too many grown ups give up on their dreams of childhood.

    Speaking of….Never give up on your childhood dreams. Just because you may never be an astronaut doesn’t mean you should love the stars. And Star Trek. And especially Wil Wheaton.

  164. SHOULDN’T love the stars.

    Which brings me to one more rule – always reread before you post.

  165. Always assume that “warranty work” on your car that takes a long time means that they are installing a jet engine, missile launchers, and rocket boosters*. Because then your Toyota goes from “Meh, it’s a Toyota” to “Me and my badass Toyota are going to take over the world!!! Bow in fear of my Toyota!!!!”

    * I don’t know what rocket boosters are, but no one really does. I assume that they come from a place that all assume doesn’t exist like Narnia, Middle Earth, or Tulsa.

  166. Be the awesome, crazy, fun loving, aunt or uncle, or cousin, or friend…… teach the youth of today it’s okay to be that way, teach them to laugh, to sing loudly, to glow from the inside. It makes for a sparkley future

    There is way too much seriousness in the world, and we are forgetting how to grow up with laughter

  167. Find someone who “gets you and your sense of humor” and enjoy life!!!
    Don’t compare your life to others. They may seem to have the perfect “x” but if they are in debt up to their eyeballs then is it really worth it?

  168. 21) Stop worrying. It’s not as bad as you imagine it to be. I mean, it probably is that bad, but worrying about it isn’t going to make it any better. Just… okay?

  169. Let a kitten lick ice cream off of your nose. You will forget whatever it was you were worrying about. Unless what you were worrying about was whether cats are lactose intolerant.

  170. Be a strong enough person to hang on when your friends are going through a hard time. Don’t dump people for being imperfect. Value EVERYONE more, both yourself and everyone else. This human thing is hard and not a single one of us is doing it perfectly.

  171. Best. List. Ever! I want it on a shirt so I can wear it and remind myself to do all these things…

  172. If someone says something really truly awesome, and you admire them for it, SAY SO! (I consider this an extension of “attitude of gratitude.”)

    Hey, Jenny? You’re awesome – thank you for being you! The world is a helluvalot more interesting with you in it. (I feel like I should send your parents flowers.)

  173. 21. If you’re having writer’s block – start a list.
    22. If you’re frustrated with your child, don’t put him up for sale on Craigslist because the posting will be taken down in minutes by the moderators and you will have spent all that time writing up a description for nothing THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

  174. Love love love this Jenny! It made me smile today when I had some people make me (a pretty happy person most of the time) sad by being shitty. THANK YOU!

  175. Take the “do not remove” labels off mattresses. Because if the feds are going to take you down, you might as well go down fighting!

  176. Lick your kids when the urge strikes (but when they get old enough to object, warn them first.)

  177. 20. Don’t lick anything at the post office.
    21. Never underestimate the value of three extra seconds of eye contact for good or evil.
    22. Practice unhooking your bra one-handed, twirling it over your head, and slinging it backwards so that it flies across the room and loops *precisely* over the top of a lamp — so that anytime the opportunity arises, you’re ready.
    23. Never say “I love you” when you don’t mean it, and never fail to say it when you do.
    24. Pick a theme song. Change it when you need to.
    25. Don’t put vegetables into dessert. Ever.

  178. PS: I love your list. I am in the middle of making up a list like that myself. Well, it’s different. But it’s similar. Hell, I make no sense. I’m not stealing your list or anything. It’s different. Ack. Now I sound like a crazed robot-head stealer.

    And speaking of stealing:

    PSS: There’s something very The Bloggess about JRose’s Don’t Eat Babies coming right before LisaR@WhoStoleMyBaby. It’s disturbing. But this is probably the only place on earth or the internet where that makes me laugh rather than call 911.

  179. stay away from people who bring toxicity into your environment. It is easier to prevent a mess than it is to clean up afterwards…

  180. Look away when your dog eats poop.
    Keep trying to avoid sugar, no matter how unsuccessful you are, because you WILL crash and burn and feel more depressed than before.
    Step away from the computer and go get some sun. Do it. Now.
    Give generously because God will open the floodgates of heaven and pour out the blessings and it’s impossible to out-give God.
    Stop typing lists in the dark on your iPhone because you can’t sleep and are afraid you’ll wake your husband. Go to sleep. Do it. Now.

    🙂

  181. Another Rule
    Stop bragging about being busy. It’s not a contest, and if it was, it’d be a really shitty one, cause the prize is just stress and heartburn.

  182. These are the 2 my mom taught me.

    1. Pain is unavoidable. Misery is optional.
    2. Homicide not suicide.

    She also babbles something about wearing pants but I ignore that one. 🙂

  183. Be as quick to share praise and positive comments as you are to share criticism and negative comments.

    Everytime you start to hate technology, remember technology is what allowed you to discover Dr. Who.

    Treat life like you are already living in heaven. Because when you die, you could be going to hell, so technically – you are.

    For those who met and married young – if your relationship starts faltering, don’t go on a date that costs tons by eating at an expensive restaurant, going to prime time entertainment, and going to a posh hotel. Instead go to a fast food joint and then on a walk around a park, and then spend the night on a futon in a cheap rented room. Because that is probably more reminiscent of the environment in which you fell in love – and had the best sex!!

  184. 21. enjoy hugs
    22. eat ice cream
    23. roll down a hill without free of rolling in poop
    24. laugh a lot and laugh loud when necessary
    25. enjoy the warm breezes
    26. sing loud and sing often especially in the shower
    27. forgive people and yourself
    28. don’t believe everything you read
    29. but do believe in yourself
    30. be your own best friend

  185. What is it with the word, ‘literally’ being used that way all of the time? When did that start? A few years ago a friend pointed out how most people use it when really the mean, ‘figuratively,’ like you said, and ever since then I notice it everywhere!

  186. Break into rad dance moves at key moments to maximize your teenaged kid’s embarrassment.

    – It’s fun. Literally.

  187. Don’t pick your zits. Because you’ll end up with cellulitis on your face and your cheek will look like a rotting orange.

  188. My favorite motto a coworker told me: When life gets hard, treat it like a penis and ride it. Heh.. makes me giggle and that always makes things a little better. 😉

  189. Thank you for this list. I needed to smile right about now.

    Don’t be afraid to pull over, turn up the music and dance and sing with your kids like a concert! Those are some of the things they will remember the most:)
    Every single time we share a smile we have the chance to turn around someone else’s day!

  190. Number 8 is my favorite, yes, a red X on the bullies!

    Another rule: Don’t make jokes on Twitter about rape, because actual rape survivors read those and it wounds them. I know these assholes think they’re being oh-so-edgy, and women do it too, to try to seem cool to the guys, but I don’t think having a metal rod rip your organs apart internally and dying from it is funny. I’m referring to the the young woman in India recently, I don’t think her family would think rape jokes are cool and edgy. Or your future daughters either, douchebags.

    I know these guys are not all rapists, but it creates a culture where it seems okay, even cool.

    Ditto for Pedophila jokes and violence against children humor, yuck.

    Don’t start cruel hashtags like “anorexia lol” because that’s a disease that can kill precious people.

    In short, don’t be cruel. You can be edgy and funny without being cruel, read The Bloggess. XO

  191. Read “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie. But only if you want to stop suffering, being depressed, being angry, being frightened, and being alone.

  192. I think 9 should be 9-12 and repeat :P. It’s a fair list. Here’s one you missed from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. “Be excellent to each other.”

  193. If Love is all that there is

    (and it is)

    then you have to cut out what’s irking you

    or figure out what it’s really doing there in the first place

  194. I am so glad that “douche-canoe” is gaining ground. I love that phrase so hard. I want to point at strangers and shout it across rooms.

    My Submission:
    Be yourself. Pretending to be someone you’re not, is hard and shady. Let it go, let your freak flag fly.

  195. JENNY! AND FELLOW COMMENTERS – I loved every single word I read (and yes, I’ve read all the comments!). These are definitely THE rules for life!

  196. Some “rules” I’d like to add:

    a) Read what Jenny Lawson writes. It will make you feel better.
    b) Recognize when you’ve fucked up and apologize to the appropriate people, including possibly yourself.
    c) Put a time limit on self-pity parties; it could always, always be worse.
    d) Listen to kids. Don’t do what they say, but do listen to them. They’ve got some funny ideas.
    e) Treating yourself with “loving kindness” may sound like a bunch of hokey hooey, but do it anyway.
    f) When doing the dishes is just too hard, put them inside the oven to hang out for a while. Tell them it’s a secret clubhouse that only dirty dishes can enter. Then take pride in how clean and tidy you made your kitchen.

  197. If you don’t mean it don’t say it. This goes for nice things & not nice things & most of all invitations.

  198. Practice radical honesty once in a while. Just to see the look on the other persons face.

  199. My dad always says…well he has a lot of sayings but..’It’s better to make people happy where you go than when you go.”

  200. Learn the proper usage of “your” and “you’re” because until then I will think less of you when you misuse them. And you are probably a good person but I can’t get past my initial thought of “Wow, what a moron”.

  201. Embarrass your children in public from time to time. It shows them you are human and it makes them laugh.

  202. I’ve always been fond of:
    Run like you stole it.

    And I like to tell my niece and nephew:

    It’s only illegal if you get caught:)

  203. Jenny, this list is a perfect example of why I am a loyal reader of your blog. <3

    My rule #21:
    When channel surfing, ALWAYS stop if you find Anchorman. Even if you're in a glass case of emotion. You'll feel better, I promise.

    Also. I did a book report/scene recreation in 5th grade as L.I. complete with construction-paper leeches taped to my legs. 🙂

  204. Take time to enjoy the silliness of life.

    Dance along with your favorite song when they play it in a store.

    Go to the zoo. Or the beach. Or take a walk. Your work will always be waiting when you come back.

    I lost my husband four weeks ago today and I truly wish that we had followed those rules more often. Thank you so much Bloggess and tribe for giving me things to smile about.

  205. Ask for help when you need it. You’re worth it.
    Admit your mistakes. Then you can fix them faster.

  206. Find out the correct definition of “poop deck.” DO NOT JUST ASSUME!

  207. Never pass up a chance to pee in a comfortable and clean restroom. Even if you don’t think you have to go. You’ll always regret it later.

  208. I recently figured out that I am much happier if I treat myself like a four year old. (And I do mean a four year old that I am fond of.) I need naps. I need a snack. I enjoy juice. I don’t enjoy watching the news. I should be reminded to wear a sweater, and it might help if that sweater had a note pinned on it explaining where I am supposed to be right now.

  209. * make friends with chuck norris
    * make assholes aware that you are friends with chuck norris, and he will find them if they persist in their assholian ways.

    *join the unicorn success club.

    * run from vampire babies. Theyll suck the life out of you. Literally.

    * your weaknesses may actually exist so your strengths can shine

  210. People are a lot like books. It’s hard to tell which ones are real & which ones are fake. Keep the real ones… Boobs and people.

  211. Don’t use apostrophes for plurals. No, really. Correct use of apostrophe will get you laid.

  212. If the cat has kittens in the oven, it doesn’t make them biscuits…

    No…I don’t know what the fuck it means either, but my Grandfather stopped every argument in it’s tracks with this gem, so it’s gotta be worthy of a list!

  213. Take care of your teeth and your toes.
    Have faith in karma.
    There is enough bad stuff out there, don’t add to it and don’t get sucked down by it.
    Always answer when your mom calls. One day she won’t ever again and that is a very sad day. Always always answer.

  214. It’s ok to be scared. But when you find the things and people in life that it’s worth being brave for, then put on your big girl/ boy panties and be brave.

  215. Have a theme song for the really hard days. Mine is “Put One Foot in Front of the Other” from Santa Claus is Coming to Town:) I haven’t taken to singing it out loud……yet:)))

  216. Don’t automatically assume that someone who is different than you is stupid. They may have perfectly good reasons for talking/thinking/acting the way they do, so try to consider that before you write them off.

  217. Don’t scare the livestock.
    Hubby uses that as an description of my brother. As in, “The problem with him is he scares the livestock.”

  218. If somebody, even a complete stranger, has something stuck in their teeth—tell them. Same goes for toilet paper stuck on their shoe or if their dress is tucked up in their pantyhose.
    On that last one, ask them why they’re wearing pantyhose, cuz pantyhose are torture devices and make you all hot and stuff.

  219. For adults: if you are stuck trying to solve a personal or professional problem, ask a second or third grader for help. Chances are their solutions will either inspire you or simply be the best solution.

    Remember that kids don’t have the fucked up filters that we adults have and they often speak the truth we are afraid to admit to ourselves. Plus, their creativity often puts ours to shame, unless you’re the Bloggess.

    If you can’t find a second or third grader for help, ask the Bloggess. She will always give an awesome solution. Even if the solution is buying a big metal chicken or a slightly ratty mounted boars head.

  220. Require as much from the people you let into you life as you require of yourself (and don’t learn why that’s important the wrong way)

    Forgive yourself and remember why you have to

    Know that just because you forgave someone doesn’t mean you have to ever see them again (some people are just bad for you on a number of levels)

    Find what makes you happy and do that, a lot (unless its a crime or hurts other people cuz then you kind of suck)

    Sometimes it’s ok to stay in bed

    Is also ok if you don’t wear pants on occasion cuz really life is just better that way

  221. Jenny – I’d totally buy this t-shirt:
    Chuckitinthefuckitbucket
    and move on

    I, too, find this to be one of my favorite posts of yours, and the tribe’s comments are priceless.

  222. If you’ve got to bury a body, please bury them deep. (This was advice given over dinner once with my friend’s forensic pathologist dad… I’ve never forgotten it.)

  223. The list, as well as the comments, are outstanding.

    I have a group of friends, whom I have daily contact with. We met on a Little House on the Prairie message board about 12 years ago. Mind you, this was before it was even “acceptable” to say you met people online – since everyone thought that the only thing it was good for was sex chat rooms. Wait, people don’t think that anymore, DO THEY?

    🙂

  224. Love the list … and all the subsequent truths from the tribe. More than one has made me snort.
    That’s a good thing.

  225. I love the rules…
    Mine are: No one remembers what you say, but how you made them feel (Maya Angelio) (spelled wrong)
    and…
    Hate them back, it works for me (Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon)
    and….
    “Don’t start nothin’ there won’t be nothin’ (Will Smith Men in Black).
    and mine…”are you really, seriously, goin’ go with that opinion, all by yourself?”

  226. Spend your time doing the things you love with those you love because as we all know, “People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint – it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly… time-y wimey… stuff.”

  227. Don’t pet unicorns in dark alleys…because they probably *aren’t* unicorns, and even if they *are* unicorns, you could injure yourself on the pointy bits.

    Oh, and be kind to yourself, you are the person you have to spend the most time with.

  228. only floss the teeth you want to keep.
    ask if anyone else at the table is still hungry before you take the last pancake in a stack.

  229. I have one for you… Don’t punch your boss, no matter what. It’s not worth getting fired. Unless you have another job lined up and it’s your last day, then go for it.

  230. you said, “foibles!” That’s one of my all-time favorite words….right up there with furbelows. Now, you really are my heroine….because you know cool words and can used them in a sentence correctly.

    that was rule 12B….and since there’s no 13, I shall offer it to you as the bridging rule between 12-12B and 14:

    13. Speak your mind the way your mind speaks to you; never be afraid of what you have to say or the way you have to say it.

    there. i said it.

  231. I am reading Little House in the Big Woods RIGHT NOW! It is falling apart because my set is 30 years old but I love it and just last week I decided to reread the whole series. They are just as magical as I remember. Makes me want to go blow up a pig’s bladder and play catch with my sisters.

  232. Don’t care what other people/the neighbors think, just go out and do it!

  233. Don’t fuck up your mother’s mother’s day & birthday by getting yourself a crisis intake in a psychiatric hospital and only telling her when your bagage is made and there’s no way back – just cause you (so wrongly 🙁 ) distrusted her reaction.

  234. say fuck it and stay in your pajamas all day because you can!!!
    (Thanks for this post I needed it today!!! Climbing out of the dark baby climbing out of the dark!)

  235. I LOVE Laura Ingalls! I read the original books a jillion (literally!) times when I was growing up, then actually read the histories and the biographies and tried to get my wife to go to the Rocky Ridge House when we crossed Missouri by car (she wouldn’t go for it)… I even read some of Rose Wilder Lane’s books about what happened later. When I was in sixth grade, I would wear floor-length pioneer dresses in defiance of mid-70’s fashion…

    BTW, you make eBay very entertaining.

  236. First of all I must admit I haven’t read this blog as often as I used to (I blame the baby). Second, I’ve rarely read it without laughing – or reeeeeaaally feeling something important. Which brings me to the rules.
    1. coffee helps lots of situations but drinking wine out of my knock knock metal chicken coffee mug is the cure all.

  237. Respect your elders. And listen to them. They’ve survived because they are smart.

  238. It’s okay to be wrong or sorry. But be sure to admit when you are either to those that it matters to.

  239. Oh yeah, I left these out:

    – Don’t read social media sites when you’re down, they’ll only make you angry
    -Don’t criticize comedians on twitter for jokes they make, their crazy fans will make you want go zombie and eat them.
    -Let loose the people who break your heart.
    -Find your spirit animal & consult them often. Mine is Joan Jett, I try to think in crappy times what would Joan do, then I rock out.

  240. I guess I usually post as Jen, but sometimes as Charli.

    I seem to have sort of issue with what my name is.

  241. If the person talking to you is saying a lot of bullshit and you know it. Just walk away or have the balls to call them on it then walk away smiling

  242. Don’t complain about all the stuff you didn’t get done because you were holding your sleeping child. Treasure the moment.

  243. The only person you can’t escape is yourself. So be your best damn friend – EVER. All the rest will follow.

  244. I gave my daughter two bits of advice when she turned 12. Well, I gave her more than that but these 2 bits held up through her teenage years well enough. 1) Do not break the skin and 2) If what you’re about to do will get you a guest shot on Jerry Springer or Maury do you REALLY need to do it?
    Your list is really good by the way. I may re-blog it, giving you full credit of course : )

  245. Try reading These is my Words: The Diary of Sarah Agnes Prine, 1881-1901 by Nancy Turner.(the first in the trilogy) Laura Ingalls for grown-ups.

  246. If someone is not willing to help themselves, maybe you shouldn’t help them either.

    Dance in public to hip hop music even if it embarrasses your kids. Especially if it embarrasses your kids.

  247. Where’s the 13th rule? What, is 12 the coolest kid in his class so he gets a part A and B, and poor 13 is at the back of the class sitting behind the kid who picks his nose and disposes of the evidence in various gross ways? Geez, Jenny, where’s the love?

  248. When interviewing for a new job find out who the REAL boss is (office manager, boss’s wife, secretary, ect). Then decide if you can work for THAT person.

  249. Write down funny things you hear (especially from your children). Read them back later when you are sad.

  250. When lecturing our 5 year old at dinner (who at the moment was being quite contrary) we found a new rule, “Don’t be a douchebag”.

    Rule #2 – Don’t even try to explain douchebag to a 5 year old.

  251. I LOVE it! I’m copying this, and editing it, for my kids (10 &8). Because they need to know that life is serious AND silly, but they don’t need to know what a “douche-canoe” is… yet. ;^)

    My rule: Use as many commas as you want, but only when they make sence, unless you like being confusing, if that’s the case, don’t expect me to read it!

  252. It’s really none of your business what other people think about you. But it is really important what you think of your self.

    Don’t worry so much. It’s a waste of time you could spend doing things that make you happy.

    Stretch everyday. Your older body will thank you.

    Wear sunscreen. Skin cancer sucks.

    Find a hobby. Everyone needs to create something.

  253. I personally want to be a jacket omg I can just imagine this scenario the 80 year old lady that lives 2 doors down hopping on her back and saying zip me up you look cold perfect. will you bail me out of jail?

  254. Don’t fart on someone else’s fun. I tell my kids this when they are about to ruin a moment.

  255. Find something you LOVE, like mor than anything in else in the world. Maybe it’s God, or your family, or Fruity Pebbles, or sniffing crack. Whatever, find one thing you LOVE more than anything else… and refuse to use the word ‘love’ for anything that doesn’t rise up to it. Not only does it put things in perspective, but it makes the thing you love that much more special.

    And always wave to the car behind you when they let you in. Hell, wave at them even if you’re not sure if they did it intentionally. Better safe than sorry. Just wave. At least then they know you’re not on your cell phone.

  256. I can’t decide if I love 12 or 12b more… they are both tremendous, and something I need to challenge myself to do more often. I love you, Jenny!

  257. this really is one of the best lists, ever. others said some (hell, maybe all) of the following additions:

    never pass up the opportunity to be outrageously silly with your children in public. (be comfortable enough to laugh at yourself and find your inner child in front of complete strangers and maybe the cops -unless you live in kern county in which case the cops would shoot you for no valid reason.)

    be kind to others (and animals) unless the ‘others ‘are complete, arrogant arseholes or ravenous grizzlies looking for a quick bite).

    question the motives of anyone who hates unicorns and cats and taxidermied animals.

    keep your word. unless it is ‘motherfucker’ and then give it away, liberally. (kidding)

  258. Eat cake icing. Straight from the can.

    Play with silly putty and let people wonder.

    Smile even when it hurts.

  259. Find the joy. Even if you’re doing something you’re not good at – find the joy in being able to do, being around people while you do it, acting silly while you do it – whatever it takes just find the joy. Life’s too short not to.

    Do something that makes you feel good about you – makes you feel sexy, proud, hot – something that you’re proud of – that awesome shirt you saw last week, those kick arse shoes with spikes on them, that body piercing you’ve wanted or that tattoo you day dream about, that wicked hairstyle – just do it and let yourself feel awesome because you are. And if you feel it and embrace it – you’ll exude it.

  260. If finances permit, over-tip waitstaff, delivery-persons and other service-personnel. For theirs is an often thankless, but (if we’re honest) essential job.

  261. Forgive yourself first.

    Sing with your children, especially the songs your parents loved. My daughter and I belt out “Pink Houses” every time it comes on.

    Read the books your friends love.

    Chase life’s vultures away with all stabby things you can find.

    Jump in the rain puddles.

  262. Stop worrying so much about what other people think. Do whatever the hell you want to do, and don’t sweat the other opinions. You wanna wear neon pink pants? Do it! Wanna paint your house purple? Go ahead. Get the idea?

  263. 1. Try hard not to worry about what everyone thinks of you. It just stresses you out

    2. Be quirky. Be athletic. Be whatever it is you want and don’t change for anyone or apologize for it.

    3. It’s OK to not like or respect your boss

    4. Hug an animal daily

    5. Indulge in crappy food when needed and don’t feel guilty about it

    6. A smile goes a long way

    I echo the manners thing because its important.

    Tell your parents you love them. They aren’t going to be around forever.

  264. Hold a door for someone, just because you were there first, let them go first.. life is too short not to enjoy it, take your time.

  265. Follow all of the above and all comments that follow! Victor will just shake his head like my husband!does to me! Don’t judge, is so totally sucks! But do find humor in all that you do, be nice and give back
    as best you can!!1 When all else fails, pray to James Garfield, he will never let you down!!! Or go to back Wine Slushie!!! It can;t help!

  266. If you’re not happy, change something. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result.

  267. Love Jenny Lawson, because anyone who could start the internet on an awesome list like this is totally worth it. And she’s laugh till you pee your pants funny, too.

  268. Jenny, I love this, I love your blog, I love you, what a perfect post. You are a poet and a comedian and a gigantic inspiration in my life.

  269. Rule: Feed the cats before you go to bed.

    Or they will use their MEGAPHONE voices to wake you up at 5:00 a.m. And hubby will get up to yell at them and trip over wife’s shoes and the cats will suddenly find out that they can fly. Which only keeps them away from the door for like 5 minutes before they are back meowing meowing meowing. The moral is, a cat will always have more perseverance than you. I mean, what else do they have to do in the morning when they get to sleep all day.

  270. Always take time to watch funny cat videos.

    Never feed your dog pineapple juice.

    Keep a pair of sneakers under your desk and a toothbrush in your glove compartment — just in case.

  271. This is brilliant, Jenny! I’d like to add:

    * Always do what you can, when you can… and never push yourself to do more than that. It’s great to help, but you should never forget that you’re just as important, wonderful & precious as whomever you’re helping. Plus, sometimes helping less in the short-term means helping more in the longer-term.

    * Remember that a parent is less about how many beds in the house than how many souls in their heart. This goes for mothers and for fathers and applies also to people who may never have biologically conceived or carried a pregnancy to term. (Sorry, on my mind a lot just now!)

  272. Find your “Victor” and don’t let go (finding someone who humors you is 99.99% of the battle).

    Kids are toys, so use them as such. If you don’t have your own, borrow some. I am currently soliciting my friend’s children to enter into mutton busting races or beauty pageants.

  273. Be wary of anyone who uses the words “always” or “never” – they are trying to scare you or they’re trying to sell you something.

  274. If someone says that you’re too smart to be their friend, believe them if they are’t laughing.

    Don’t be ashamed to love the weirdest things passionately.

  275. Stop having bullshit rules that apply sometimes and are the exact wrong thing in others

  276. Totally down with the Laura Ingalls thing; it is not strange at all. Much

  277. Dang Gina,
    I should be reading these to my kids every day.
    My ‘Lil Man is shitty, literally.
    My ‘Lil Miss doesn’t flush,….EVER.
    ….and so on and so forth.

    Jason
    The Cheeky Daddy

  278. Try not to judge. Especially when google-ing the word “coprophagy” for a homework problem. What ever two or more consenting adults like to do is their business, but REALLY? REALLY? Sorry. . . I did say TRY not to judge. I’m working on that one.

    Science is awesome. Learn about and do more science. Need a place to start: baking soda + vinegar volcano. Now go make a mess and learn.

    I love #17. Even if it’s just a smile, do something nice for a perfect stranger!

  279. I’m sure someone has already said this, but my attention span is complete shit right now.

    It’s okay to cry. In fact, it’s important, so cry. It flushes out your eyes. You might want to try to do this one at home, but really, it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be miserable. Eventually, something will make you laugh, even if it’s not all that funny.

    And you should laugh. A whole fvcking lot. I have a fvckload of demons, and I still try to laugh every day. Sometimes it means approaching a random stranger and telling them a knock knock joke, but it almost always works. And I’ve never been arrested for it.

  280. @ Drew #56. I just googled blue waffles. I am sorry. You were right.

    Also I wanted to add a rule. When you go to the ladies room in public places? Check your feet to make sure no toilet paper has stuck to your shoe and make sure you didn’t tuck the front of your dress into your panty hose. Otherwise it can get embarrassing in the hallways.

  281. When I was in grade 7 a mean girl tried to me taunt me by calling me
    Laura Ingalls (if only she knew I secretly took it as a compliment). Freckefaces of of the world unite!

  282. Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery.

  283. “If you get into a fight with someone and they kinda want to punch you in the throat. Just break it down.” Cabbage Patch, Lawn mower, The sprinkler, The Roger Rabbit, The Running Man and don’t be afraid to ride the train. They will be so awe struck over your 80’s/90’s dancing skills or they might think your mentally insane. Either way…. Check mutha fukin mate. You win and your throat is still intact.

  284. Thank you. I had my first evaluation as a teacher today and it was bad. It was so absolutely heartbreaking to put my heart into something that I feel more passionate about than anything I have ever done in 40 yrs on the planet only to be told I am unsatisfactory. I have been crying all day.and them you ma adde this list. Thank you.

  285. I was just going to log on to my favorite blog to tell you that I just read the acknowledgements at the end of your book. I never read the acknowledgments. I don’t know those people! I just wanted to prolong the fact that I had run out of book. I was kind of depressed about the fact that I had run out of book but then you posted this blog post! AND it is perfect! AND I will share it with my other co-workers who have adopted the motto “First. Don’t be a Dick.”

  286. If your cell/office space has stressed people (of course it does) and no room for yoga, sit them on a spinny chair with jelly snakes hanging out their mouth and spin them as fast as you can.

  287. This list is perfect. The only thing that you should have added was “Don’t commit felonies because prison time can’t be fun”. You know, to follow up the stabbing thing.

    On that note, my mom has a knife collection. There is not a knife shortage here. Let me know if you need some.

  288. Hold the door open for people. (Where I work, it’s a lost art, so I have to add this)